it is almost 2012...wowo
oh wow
Saturday, December 31, 2011
Friday, December 30, 2011
giving thanks chaos is abundant
just wondering if there was a secret in the moon yesterday, the stars all lining up to hit me, many home runs to the heart yet i still won this game, somehow, not
it was real that real friends came to listen and my sister was a calling, it was real that someone took the time to just let me banter on my heart broken as it was and i am grateful and thankful to the universe for that friend of the heart. it tears at me so to live in craziness...
my son my grandson my new grandson to be, the mother in the situation, i can't help any of them so distant as they are not so far in mile but in attitude and interferance i just can't do
i am here but i am not calling
i am not looking for more stress
or anxiety or anguish, or disappointment or worry
do i care
yes i care
i always care
i wish i could change things but i can't
money rules the world it really does
but i have none so...
God Bless us all
it was real that real friends came to listen and my sister was a calling, it was real that someone took the time to just let me banter on my heart broken as it was and i am grateful and thankful to the universe for that friend of the heart. it tears at me so to live in craziness...
my son my grandson my new grandson to be, the mother in the situation, i can't help any of them so distant as they are not so far in mile but in attitude and interferance i just can't do
i am here but i am not calling
i am not looking for more stress
or anxiety or anguish, or disappointment or worry
do i care
yes i care
i always care
i wish i could change things but i can't
money rules the world it really does
but i have none so...
God Bless us all
Thursday, December 29, 2011
after the rush and glow
after the rush and glow there is a let down
and then you wonder why you feel like .... what
all the good times and then the bad times mix up
and become just a remembrance of what was
some how my family went from being together to fractured
again, i'll with stand it all and i'm letting things go
but it makes no sense to me,
kids, they are the children, they grown up and make decisions
if you try to guide them they get angry
when things don't work out they blame the parents
there is no sense of responsibility toward their choices
and now this. ughhhh just let me get through the new year so
i can deal with this better
i would just like to retire
i really really can't stand my job, my boss arghhh
she makes me crazy
and then you wonder why you feel like .... what
all the good times and then the bad times mix up
and become just a remembrance of what was
some how my family went from being together to fractured
again, i'll with stand it all and i'm letting things go
but it makes no sense to me,
kids, they are the children, they grown up and make decisions
if you try to guide them they get angry
when things don't work out they blame the parents
there is no sense of responsibility toward their choices
and now this. ughhhh just let me get through the new year so
i can deal with this better
i would just like to retire
i really really can't stand my job, my boss arghhh
she makes me crazy
Monday, December 26, 2011
Sunday, December 25, 2011
youth and parents
It is Christmas day ...oh and I am soooo exhausted, all because of Christmas Eve but it was a wonderful night. Sometimes it is better to be older, I feel as if I have a better perspective. Thank you wisdom for being on my shoulders.
The best part of my night was having Little Andrew sit on my lap while we sang Christmas Carols. oh my that child stole my heart.
Merry Christmas Everyone!
The best part of my night was having Little Andrew sit on my lap while we sang Christmas Carols. oh my that child stole my heart.
Merry Christmas Everyone!
Saturday, December 24, 2011
Christmas Eve
Christmas Eve
twas the day before Christmas and all through the land
millions and millions of people questioned, where do you stand
everyone has worries, everyone has fears, everyone has
problems or issues, or cares,
but the question remained,
where does it stop, when can people say Merry Christmas and not worried they are wrong,
How foolish it is to always be on guard, why can we just share what it is our hearts, Happy Holidays to be politically correct, it just doesn't cut it, it's make shift at best,
Happy Happy Happy
enjoy your day of rest
pretty soon we will have tape across our country stating
Caution, Don't Guess...don't ask
Boo hoo and bar humbug to those that can't see beyond themselves to others, just wish them well... and if you say Merry Christmas don't feel guilty about it.
twas the day before Christmas and all through the land
millions and millions of people questioned, where do you stand
everyone has worries, everyone has fears, everyone has
problems or issues, or cares,
but the question remained,
where does it stop, when can people say Merry Christmas and not worried they are wrong,
How foolish it is to always be on guard, why can we just share what it is our hearts, Happy Holidays to be politically correct, it just doesn't cut it, it's make shift at best,
Happy Happy Happy
enjoy your day of rest
pretty soon we will have tape across our country stating
Caution, Don't Guess...don't ask
Boo hoo and bar humbug to those that can't see beyond themselves to others, just wish them well... and if you say Merry Christmas don't feel guilty about it.
Friday, December 23, 2011
highs and lows
last night was one of those nights that i consider myself blessed... Fred called it, I was asking an awful lot requesting him to fill the big guy's boots, that big guy meaning the Claus...and it all came off excellent--- nothing can take back the excitment of the kids at the Cuddler's house screaming it is Santa Claus, and Little Ricky Talking with Claus and even little Alastair pulling his beard and waving. I am still smiling. That was a Christmas gift to me. Thank you! thank you Thank you!
Thursday, December 22, 2011
wipe out
There was never a more fun dance when I was a kid than....WIPEOUT... what watta fun we had...and right now I am there...on the wipeout. It is Thurdays and wow again...mostly stuff wrapped just have to mail the things and be done with it all.not bad. almost finished..nerves are shot... have to make another list now for dinner..hahah..tonight the Claus is going out! what fun we should have.!Yah
Wednesday, December 21, 2011
exhaust......
when the body runs down does it let out exhaust... like the breath we exhale.. i am trully exhausted...have to get stuff out in the mail and i am very disorganized...ouch...but at any rate, i now have a few duckets in the bucket even though it was a cheapo check and well at least i can pay my bills ha... have to mail and sort out stuff today a little late but maybe not too late this i do not know...but off I go...
my Mom liked her new slippers --- she said to me, Is this my Christmas Present and I said Yes! and she was sooo happy.... I will remember that for the rest of my life. her face so happy
so the exhaustion is worth it, every moment. off to the grind, if i can find some Christmas in work I will be lucky.
my Mom liked her new slippers --- she said to me, Is this my Christmas Present and I said Yes! and she was sooo happy.... I will remember that for the rest of my life. her face so happy
so the exhaustion is worth it, every moment. off to the grind, if i can find some Christmas in work I will be lucky.
Tuesday, December 20, 2011
What is Christmas?
Christmas for those of the faith is the day that is the celebrated birth of the Christ Child. A Child who came to us free of sin, to teach us of many things, love, forgiveness, sacrifice, ... a child without vice...
So what is Christmas to others... that I have yet to know but this is what i've seen,
Christmas is about giving and sacrifice
Christmas for some is about receiving, mostly the young heheh
they do not mean it maliciously, but we breed the, I want this and that...
Christmas is about forgetting about the self and thinking of others.
so i am working on that
This year for Christmas my husband went and bought a tree and put it up and also put up the lights on the house... Somethings he has never done, at least never alone, and I applaud him for his work because I just couldn't do it, i don't have the strength in me. That was a gift of giving ...and that is Christmas.
So what is Christmas to others... that I have yet to know but this is what i've seen,
Christmas is about giving and sacrifice
Christmas for some is about receiving, mostly the young heheh
they do not mean it maliciously, but we breed the, I want this and that...
Christmas is about forgetting about the self and thinking of others.
so i am working on that
This year for Christmas my husband went and bought a tree and put it up and also put up the lights on the house... Somethings he has never done, at least never alone, and I applaud him for his work because I just couldn't do it, i don't have the strength in me. That was a gift of giving ...and that is Christmas.
rambling
Dropped the D off at the bus...she texted me at 550 will you?
I didn't do it for myself, I did it for her because she is working very hard. I think she is handling it well, but I also know that she is discovering that working every day is hard because you get tired, and then there is stuff to do at home and sometimes you are just too tired to do that. it is a different world when you have a child... or children, sacrifices must be made and routines too or else things gets typsy turvey.... have so many thoughts, the need to be creative is pressing, when i have the mooments, they float and then disappear like bubbles in the air... like skid marks and the culprits that create them, like an itch scratched, like the smell of someone in the room and then dispersed, thoughts that disappear, what are they
are they dreams
are they shared
are they going someplace else for someone else to think them but perhaps in a different way because maybe they speak a different language, maybe they will float and twist and what was the purple yellow blue red orange green rainbow will be come rainbow, yellow blue, red, orange, green, purple.... do we share thoughts or do they just belong to one...
that is the question. can they be snared and kept, no one knows the secret?
what is the secret? is the secret one of love, one of giving, one of truth, or trust, or happiness? or is it evil one of lying and deception, onre of pain or sorrow or mean...
some people are trully mean, it is really horrid how they can be that way. it makes me want to throw up
some people are forgetful and you always have to forgive them, but sometimes i don't feel likfe forgiving them because there are moment in ones life that you need to pay attention and if you really care about someone they you don't forget----some people just opt for the new thing that has popped up because it is fresh and exciting, almost like an affair i would say...it is healthy to keep learning, and people can become obsessed with what they are doing and let everything else slide, then there is focus, some have to stay in focus or else they loose it...so they forget things ... then there are excuses... and mine is time got away from me and often it does, but then i am sorry for the moment has past and i wish i could back track to the time and change what ever i did so that i remembered and that would set off a different reaction then the one i feel or received because i forgot....
but that might be me and not someone else...another would be like so i forgot who cares and there may be a group who forgot so are they sectioned into the forgetful slots, what is it really about this collective conscience.... why do i believe so strongly...because i know we are there
I didn't do it for myself, I did it for her because she is working very hard. I think she is handling it well, but I also know that she is discovering that working every day is hard because you get tired, and then there is stuff to do at home and sometimes you are just too tired to do that. it is a different world when you have a child... or children, sacrifices must be made and routines too or else things gets typsy turvey.... have so many thoughts, the need to be creative is pressing, when i have the mooments, they float and then disappear like bubbles in the air... like skid marks and the culprits that create them, like an itch scratched, like the smell of someone in the room and then dispersed, thoughts that disappear, what are they
are they dreams
are they shared
are they going someplace else for someone else to think them but perhaps in a different way because maybe they speak a different language, maybe they will float and twist and what was the purple yellow blue red orange green rainbow will be come rainbow, yellow blue, red, orange, green, purple.... do we share thoughts or do they just belong to one...
that is the question. can they be snared and kept, no one knows the secret?
what is the secret? is the secret one of love, one of giving, one of truth, or trust, or happiness? or is it evil one of lying and deception, onre of pain or sorrow or mean...
some people are trully mean, it is really horrid how they can be that way. it makes me want to throw up
some people are forgetful and you always have to forgive them, but sometimes i don't feel likfe forgiving them because there are moment in ones life that you need to pay attention and if you really care about someone they you don't forget----some people just opt for the new thing that has popped up because it is fresh and exciting, almost like an affair i would say...it is healthy to keep learning, and people can become obsessed with what they are doing and let everything else slide, then there is focus, some have to stay in focus or else they loose it...so they forget things ... then there are excuses... and mine is time got away from me and often it does, but then i am sorry for the moment has past and i wish i could back track to the time and change what ever i did so that i remembered and that would set off a different reaction then the one i feel or received because i forgot....
but that might be me and not someone else...another would be like so i forgot who cares and there may be a group who forgot so are they sectioned into the forgetful slots, what is it really about this collective conscience.... why do i believe so strongly...because i know we are there
Sunday, December 18, 2011
temper temper
I can feel my temper being up, Christmas is not about what they give me...really I am angry because why would someone say that to me... to see how i would handle it.
the bottom line on Christmas...some Christmases are great, the joy, the friends, the family, the gifts, the not so exhausted Christmases are perfect but they are rare too... right now i am mifted at the people I work with, but really who cares, if they don't why should I ....And my employees, who are self righteous, etc... why would I care, they are not going to change who i am, i have no expectations, and that is the bottom line about that. I care about my babies, my grand sons and that is about it, even my kids, they are grown ups, they need to get over themselves, really.... I don't own anyone anything, Christmas is not about gifts, it is about giving, sometimes it is giving of yourself, or your time, or helping someone in need. that's all it should be but... of course the reality is there...so i am not trying to spoil Christmas, I just believe that the magic is there in the people not in the things...so let the bells ring.
the bottom line on Christmas...some Christmases are great, the joy, the friends, the family, the gifts, the not so exhausted Christmases are perfect but they are rare too... right now i am mifted at the people I work with, but really who cares, if they don't why should I ....And my employees, who are self righteous, etc... why would I care, they are not going to change who i am, i have no expectations, and that is the bottom line about that. I care about my babies, my grand sons and that is about it, even my kids, they are grown ups, they need to get over themselves, really.... I don't own anyone anything, Christmas is not about gifts, it is about giving, sometimes it is giving of yourself, or your time, or helping someone in need. that's all it should be but... of course the reality is there...so i am not trying to spoil Christmas, I just believe that the magic is there in the people not in the things...so let the bells ring.
Saturday, December 17, 2011
Smiles away
Oh last night was sooo much fun. Went to see La Cage with George Hamilton who was very good even though I thought ....he is really getting up there, but it goes to show that up there is not so up there any more.
Steph, Syb and Kathy went too...Ill have to get the pic from Syb with the Queen oh she was lovely... I just laughed so hard and I didn't cry this time as I remember the first time I saw it I cried, but it wasn't that the show did not tug at my emotions it is just that the characters kept it so alive and lively oh my the one who played ZaZa... Fantastic just fantastic. The other ladies enjoyed the show too. It is funny how we remarked that we dont think our men would enjoy that show... sad, coz in reality the music could fit any relationship. just wonderful.
off to work a little late... but oh well
smile smile smile I could feel my lips just smiling and my teeth showing...laughing and grinning like a fool. just loved it! thank you
Steph, Syb and Kathy went too...Ill have to get the pic from Syb with the Queen oh she was lovely... I just laughed so hard and I didn't cry this time as I remember the first time I saw it I cried, but it wasn't that the show did not tug at my emotions it is just that the characters kept it so alive and lively oh my the one who played ZaZa... Fantastic just fantastic. The other ladies enjoyed the show too. It is funny how we remarked that we dont think our men would enjoy that show... sad, coz in reality the music could fit any relationship. just wonderful.
off to work a little late... but oh well
smile smile smile I could feel my lips just smiling and my teeth showing...laughing and grinning like a fool. just loved it! thank you
Friday, December 16, 2011
good and bad
My phone link is not working and I don't know why... that bits though because it limits my posts... Yesterday was a wonderful day until the jerk almost ruined it, but I am not going to let his addiction ruin my life or anyone elses if i can help it. Little Ricky Johnny and Alastair were all there to sing Happy Birthday, they are so sweet each of them. And I thank God for them because the big ones can just drive me mad. Steph ...oh no, Ricky...brat boy 1, Mikey runaway (don't blame him) and the all righteous Di...how did I create them. Giving them minds to think on their own perhaps I should have drilled the robot system into them then maybe they wouldn't be such brats. My new dr martin's boots gave me a blister on my ankle boo hooo...and now off i go to work...yek.
i believe in celebration, i believe celebration of youth and age, in celebration of good, and the hard working
i believe in celebration of freedom, of giving and grieving too.
i believe in joining together and laughing and remembrance and
saying how do you do
i believe in breaking bread together and gathering to touch and hug and just say, you are wonderful
i believe in the young and the innocence and i believe in protecting them too for the world is not a very nice place, it will stab you when youre down if you let it...
the wind is howling out my window...what is waitng for me out there, it sounds like a horror story.... eeek.... im scared, hold my hand and we will walk together through the mire, hold my hand and squeeze it tight and know you are with me even though you might not see me. Hold my hand and I will hold yours back and guide you coz i know sometimes you are lost and it is hard to find your way back again.
like any traveler on the sea in a ship blessed be.
i believe in celebration, i believe celebration of youth and age, in celebration of good, and the hard working
i believe in celebration of freedom, of giving and grieving too.
i believe in joining together and laughing and remembrance and
saying how do you do
i believe in breaking bread together and gathering to touch and hug and just say, you are wonderful
i believe in the young and the innocence and i believe in protecting them too for the world is not a very nice place, it will stab you when youre down if you let it...
the wind is howling out my window...what is waitng for me out there, it sounds like a horror story.... eeek.... im scared, hold my hand and we will walk together through the mire, hold my hand and squeeze it tight and know you are with me even though you might not see me. Hold my hand and I will hold yours back and guide you coz i know sometimes you are lost and it is hard to find your way back again.
like any traveler on the sea in a ship blessed be.
Thursday, December 15, 2011
december 15
Thursday December 15... so much stuff going on ...getting the christmas stuff done, today i am 54 who would believe it...arghhh how did this happen. In the middle of cleaning and decorating and just trying to get ready for the holiday...
Tuesday, December 13, 2011
dec 13
well i am off til my b day..haha..figures.but at least i might get some stuff done, now that i know it is not my back i am much happier. F is driving D to her job...oh my not good...grumpy grump...Thia is making me late for my Mom's ...entire day will be late now...arghhh
Monday, December 12, 2011
love and christmas
i love Christmas music. It speaks of joy, of beauty, of peace, of forgiveness, of giving, of sacrifice, of comfort, of light, of love, of remembrance, of angels, of Christ, of gifts and stars, and thoughts of others and what makes people happy..beyond the toys for children and the other gifts that people may want.
today F took me shopping or he tailed with me...oh how i like to shop by myself, but it worked out ok. I got the most awesome walking doc marten's and i am not ready to rock the streets.... can wait to enjoy them. hip hip hooray for me. So many good things..I keep praying every day. it is sad how nervous i am but i am very happy that my back is not the culprit that is ailing me and i just am going to have to focus on getting myself in shape and well ...no more goofing off in life even though it can be alot of fun...i have to look for new ways to enjoy that is for certain.
today F took me shopping or he tailed with me...oh how i like to shop by myself, but it worked out ok. I got the most awesome walking doc marten's and i am not ready to rock the streets.... can wait to enjoy them. hip hip hooray for me. So many good things..I keep praying every day. it is sad how nervous i am but i am very happy that my back is not the culprit that is ailing me and i just am going to have to focus on getting myself in shape and well ...no more goofing off in life even though it can be alot of fun...i have to look for new ways to enjoy that is for certain.
December 12
Only ...13 days til Christmas and I am falling shorter than I thought I would but I am managing still... Have a drs appt about my back which is scaring me...is it going to fall, fail, like a row of dominos...each disc letting go so that will only be able to crawl...that is what it feels like...i am nervous. without certainty where should i go from here. Time to get some stuff done ... maybe my hair...maybe my outside lights, i have to get my wreath for the front of the house, but maybe this year i wont maybe ill just decorate with the big bulbs i got...
today is mw's birthday...and i laugh as f called him the old man... just love it.
rip paul navarro
two deaths already this month, how many more?
death takes a ride through the month of december in between Thanksgiving and Christmas different than the other times of the year. The call for family and friends to be near is the theme and it gets ripped and changed and shatters dreams. So many deaths take tolls on the mind, and no wonder depression is high this time.
Feel for the families, cuddle the young, laugh and be merry and look for fun, don't dwell on the negative, look for the positive in every day, some day someday you will see the sleigh. an angel in white or a devil in red is Santa only in someone's head, lets give gifts of joy and be happy we live for tomorrow the reaper could come creep in your bed. dont ask where this dribble comes from, i'm just having some fun right now free writing.
today is mw's birthday...and i laugh as f called him the old man... just love it.
rip paul navarro
two deaths already this month, how many more?
death takes a ride through the month of december in between Thanksgiving and Christmas different than the other times of the year. The call for family and friends to be near is the theme and it gets ripped and changed and shatters dreams. So many deaths take tolls on the mind, and no wonder depression is high this time.
Feel for the families, cuddle the young, laugh and be merry and look for fun, don't dwell on the negative, look for the positive in every day, some day someday you will see the sleigh. an angel in white or a devil in red is Santa only in someone's head, lets give gifts of joy and be happy we live for tomorrow the reaper could come creep in your bed. dont ask where this dribble comes from, i'm just having some fun right now free writing.
Sunday, December 11, 2011
ugh
my nerves are unsettled... i dont think anyone could know how this feels ...well not true -- that was a selfish statement...
my son i dont know where he is...he doesnt call...it is so painful i could just scream i want to call around but he is an adult. i am afraid... and i wonder should i be or am i just making it out to be more upsetting than i need to be...being emotional just doesnt help. plus the refereress are being unfair to MY Patriots....arghhh
my son i dont know where he is...he doesnt call...it is so painful i could just scream i want to call around but he is an adult. i am afraid... and i wonder should i be or am i just making it out to be more upsetting than i need to be...being emotional just doesnt help. plus the refereress are being unfair to MY Patriots....arghhh
Saturday, December 10, 2011
Saturday Dec 10....
So my sis went away for her 60th birthday, lucky girl...I on the other hand had three days off after today.... one day for cleaning and getting christmas stuff together, one day for going to the doctors for my back which bites because that was supposed to be a day for me which is not going to happen now, and one day for Mom.Not happy with myself for the progression of my weight but only I can fix that...and the steriods and stress have a lot to do with that, but I am one of those people who has to exercise --- so the gym is there, but i really would like my treadmill back...please try to fix it.
Fred cracked me up yesterday as he dressed like Santa, and I got to kiss him too... So I can kick kissing Santa off my bucket list --- as that is something I thought would be fun and ticklish too...I will send pics later, Right now I am off to the boring ist place on earth...but i know i will find some entertainment there with my carriers...they do crack me up...even though they tick me off sometimes too.
my daughter is sleeping late
i am very proud of her for taking charge of her life
i worry as does her father but i am not going to fight
i see her growing as a person and that is how life should be
bless her and keep her even if she doesn't believe
for there is a spirt there, a higher power than me, a higher power than just you alone, there is the collective and i've seen it, i've experienced it, it many different ways, so trust and have faith, press on every day,
keep her safe, keep him safe, and hopefully someday she will see.
Fred cracked me up yesterday as he dressed like Santa, and I got to kiss him too... So I can kick kissing Santa off my bucket list --- as that is something I thought would be fun and ticklish too...I will send pics later, Right now I am off to the boring ist place on earth...but i know i will find some entertainment there with my carriers...they do crack me up...even though they tick me off sometimes too.
my daughter is sleeping late
i am very proud of her for taking charge of her life
i worry as does her father but i am not going to fight
i see her growing as a person and that is how life should be
bless her and keep her even if she doesn't believe
for there is a spirt there, a higher power than me, a higher power than just you alone, there is the collective and i've seen it, i've experienced it, it many different ways, so trust and have faith, press on every day,
keep her safe, keep him safe, and hopefully someday she will see.
Friday, December 09, 2011
sometimes some time
sometime some times would be like skating on ice
how i miss it
and how i would love to be able to...but this weight is keeping me down
i have to get over my fear and just get up and go that is the fact
knowing the my back is falling apart just isnt helping.
thank God it is Friday even though I have to work Saturday, I still have Sunday and Monday off...and then Tuesdays with Mom.. it will be good.sometimes people say the wrong thing....not because they intend to, but they do, so sometimes it is better not to say anything at all. off to the tombstone of my life...no creativity, none.
how i miss it
and how i would love to be able to...but this weight is keeping me down
i have to get over my fear and just get up and go that is the fact
knowing the my back is falling apart just isnt helping.
thank God it is Friday even though I have to work Saturday, I still have Sunday and Monday off...and then Tuesdays with Mom.. it will be good.sometimes people say the wrong thing....not because they intend to, but they do, so sometimes it is better not to say anything at all. off to the tombstone of my life...no creativity, none.
Thursday, December 08, 2011
Wednesday, December 07, 2011
hummm
I thought I posted pics of the Christmas Parade but I guess I didn't ...humm I have to do that today. lazy lazy after the drive yesterday, my leg is killing me so that isnt good, but not as bad in someways...however I haven't even started my day. Syb says it is my back that is doing this, yowzaaa...who needs it.
lots to do. drs tomorrow and then fri and sat and sun mon tues...off
yes, time off!!!! i need it.
Mom doing ok but not as strong as I would like her to be. She knows it too. still not able to drive. still having hot flashes...two years now. when will they ever stop.
37 ...7 minutes past the time i should stop
will it make me late for what is not
will i continue to just while away without a care
everyday not trying, not tending, not doing anything but working and coming home and being exhausted. ive got to stop and get in shape, is it really my back causing this pain in my leg...ugh....
onward today that is certain.
lots to do. drs tomorrow and then fri and sat and sun mon tues...off
yes, time off!!!! i need it.
Mom doing ok but not as strong as I would like her to be. She knows it too. still not able to drive. still having hot flashes...two years now. when will they ever stop.
37 ...7 minutes past the time i should stop
will it make me late for what is not
will i continue to just while away without a care
everyday not trying, not tending, not doing anything but working and coming home and being exhausted. ive got to stop and get in shape, is it really my back causing this pain in my leg...ugh....
onward today that is certain.
Tuesday, December 06, 2011
Morning thoughts
Off to Mom's will bring my page for my sister's book. just too tired. busy lately. Have so much to do. Giving to my mom while I can.
Monday, December 05, 2011
Addiction
An addiction is a curse. Affliction at it worst. God I am in so much pain. So much worry. I get so pissed off at other people because they judge. They have no compassion only judgement. They look upon it as a weakness of character. And it is in away but once it starts it is a cancer. A cancer if the mind. Of the body that is an evil more powerful than a nuclear bomb. It changes thoughts corrupts and weaves. It is a virus no antibiotic can kill it. No medicine can quell it. No amount if love or money can control it. I believe religion can help but religion can create problems too. I worry for my grandson. He loves his father. He is innocent. I want to protect him from the pain but it has taken root and I feel it seeping up. Spongelike absorbing. I wish I could squeeze it out
Today
It is gorgeous out. A nice day for taking a walk. Breathing in the air. It is just beautiful the cool wind carries sing me soothing me
December 5
The fifth of December, such a busy month...Tomorrow to Mom's .... and then Wednesday to Waltham for Jeanne's birthday...surprise. It should be good. But today I have to get the living room ready and go from there...So much baby stuff in the house it is congested. But not as bad as Karen's I don't know how she is doing it, I would be over the edge by now.
no response...figures... I tried but sometimes it is not good enough.
no response...figures... I tried but sometimes it is not good enough.
Sunday, December 04, 2011
December 4 2011....
off to the cape with the Bub and Johnny and Steph....
to see the Christmas Parade and then to visit Mom
Hope we have a nice day.
My stomach is a little weird and that is bothering me
Sometimes I wish I did have a van it would be better for traveling with the kids which appears that is what I will be doing a lot of.
not bad but the other side of me wants that mini cooper...the four door one is the best hahah
to see the Christmas Parade and then to visit Mom
Hope we have a nice day.
My stomach is a little weird and that is bothering me
Sometimes I wish I did have a van it would be better for traveling with the kids which appears that is what I will be doing a lot of.
not bad but the other side of me wants that mini cooper...the four door one is the best hahah
Saturday, December 03, 2011
Aunt Helen
Rest now, beaway from those bones that grew old
be away from the eyes that could barely see
and the knees that cried, no i'm tired.
Rest now and be safe be warm
be comforted above us all
with the spirits that you cleave to
linger in love
days no more a struggle
just love and loved
be away from the eyes that could barely see
and the knees that cried, no i'm tired.
Rest now and be safe be warm
be comforted above us all
with the spirits that you cleave to
linger in love
days no more a struggle
just love and loved
Saturday...all ready...
December...and so much to do..hang christmas lights, shopping which i did start by purchasing 5 Hess Trucks which are pretty cool...cards and cooking, dinner planning...i love it and i just can't wait! All the kids are getting bigger and that is the best part... Except for my jerk of a son that threw me into a funk like a baseball shattering glass, deceit is an awful thing... now to find a way out of it. to even be deleted by my kid as if we are nothing and no one ---
do the dance come on lets run lets go and have some fun
do the dance come on lets run lets go and have some fun
Friday, December 02, 2011
Ughhh
Pretty pissed off right now. It just cracks me up how people can be complete jerks and think they are justified. Reasoning isn't always sensible. So done with the craziness. So much want to get on the straight and keep going down the path so weary of steps and hurdles. Can it ever be just a road less travelled which is often a lovely drive full of adventure.
Choice
We make choices in the hope that the correct decision is being made. Not all decisions are correct. They may be right and they maybe wrong but still correct. One never knows. Just do your best to do the right thing even if others don't agree. Even if you are wrong you may be right Left
Thursday, December 01, 2011
ugh
not feeling well ...still stressed...husband stressed too. it is ridiculous --- my boss is driving me mad. I am worried about my mom and on top of that things are crazy at home. What difference does it all make? none what so ever. I can't change anything. Right now I don't even want to go to work because I don't want to deal with the bs. Oh please let her back off of me. I can't stand it.
then there is heather writing on facebook. I am beginning to lose my mind. arghhh
then there is heather writing on facebook. I am beginning to lose my mind. arghhh
Wednesday, November 30, 2011
November closing
This month started with a death and ended with a death... death is so many things, you can be alive and experience a death within your own self. My son I think he welcomes death but is just aftaid to do it, is that a horrid thing to write...yes, and it is even a more horrid thought, but after some of the communications we have had over the past couple of weeks I feel that...he says no, he is going to make it, and i pray for him that he can, i pray for him to have strenght because it is going to require a tremendous amount of strength... his patterns are so long and grooved within his life...he needs to change them and i dont know if he can. All I can do is pray. Let go let God for the rest of his life. There is nothing more I can do.
Sick to my stomach still... and gained 2 lbs, how is it possible. Really going back on the carrot, yogurt, salad diet...no choice. When I am stressed I gain weight from thinking, ridiculous.
Back to the horrid job, with my horrid boss..ugh.
and then onwards thinking about christmas and looking for a bit of fun.
alleulia is that how u spell it.
Sick to my stomach still... and gained 2 lbs, how is it possible. Really going back on the carrot, yogurt, salad diet...no choice. When I am stressed I gain weight from thinking, ridiculous.
Back to the horrid job, with my horrid boss..ugh.
and then onwards thinking about christmas and looking for a bit of fun.
alleulia is that how u spell it.
Monday, November 28, 2011
morning
hello morning that i am choosing to not shower before getting on the computer and blogging
hello morning that i am choosing to have a slice of toast and a cup of coffee before starting my day
hello morning that will soon find me in the shower, and blow drying my hair and running out the door to a job that i hate...at least at the moment...
it is unfair the way they are doing things, just completely unfair...
my son ....my eldest son ... had brought us into the the world of shadow again... and cursed as i feel because of his addiction, angry as i feel because of it too...my own family that one i grew up in, they just haven't got a clue. they do not know of the torture or the resentment or the horror that we have lived through and under, and i don't want their sympathy not do i want them to try to understand because their pity doesn't make it any easier, or thier horrification makes me angry ...it is a disease and it grows into being one, a need, as i wrote years ago, it will be him against it and there is nothing i can do...he cannot make it here we have been here too many times, and this one is the last, because i can't take it, it is just killing me and i dont even want the holidays to come but i have to put on that smile and do it and get through it when i would just asoon lay in bed and just stay there and let the world float on by
hello morning that i am choosing to have a slice of toast and a cup of coffee before starting my day
hello morning that will soon find me in the shower, and blow drying my hair and running out the door to a job that i hate...at least at the moment...
it is unfair the way they are doing things, just completely unfair...
my son ....my eldest son ... had brought us into the the world of shadow again... and cursed as i feel because of his addiction, angry as i feel because of it too...my own family that one i grew up in, they just haven't got a clue. they do not know of the torture or the resentment or the horror that we have lived through and under, and i don't want their sympathy not do i want them to try to understand because their pity doesn't make it any easier, or thier horrification makes me angry ...it is a disease and it grows into being one, a need, as i wrote years ago, it will be him against it and there is nothing i can do...he cannot make it here we have been here too many times, and this one is the last, because i can't take it, it is just killing me and i dont even want the holidays to come but i have to put on that smile and do it and get through it when i would just asoon lay in bed and just stay there and let the world float on by
Sunday, November 27, 2011
so much....
Sunday November 27 ---- I think I've made it but then something happens...and here I sit with a million things to take care of. I don't know when I'll get to see the Bub again as the gf is being a jerk and they actually have both been jerks for a while, not the Bub but the mother and father of the child. Why must I forever fight this battle? A question that I can't answer because I could just not bother, just not care, and not fight at all --- would that be giving up and giving in --- Is it my own stubbornness that keeps it all going on? Another Christmas and wow --- I'm just feeling so sick. I knew it and I said it, and of course denial set in around the house, like something shrink-wrapped with Teflon or even encase in formaldehyde....just disgusting my heart is ripped to shreds again. And the disappointment, the worry, the feeling out of control is back. I try to let go of the anger but I cry.
I try to let go of the sadness but the anger comes back and then I just want to fight.
I work with unscrupulous people sometimes. I want to shout at them and tell them off but I don't ...8-9 years until retire ment....am I going to make it? Doesn’t seem so far away really.
guess ill go make breakfast. just want to scream
I try to let go of the sadness but the anger comes back and then I just want to fight.
I work with unscrupulous people sometimes. I want to shout at them and tell them off but I don't ...8-9 years until retire ment....am I going to make it? Doesn’t seem so far away really.
guess ill go make breakfast. just want to scream
Friday, November 25, 2011
lament or not
it's after 530 am and i shouldnt be here writing but i am... so much crap...so shall i feel sorry for myself or move on... i am certain i will feel sorry for myself but that doesn't mean i can't try to move on..haha
we had a great great thanks giving turkey yesterday which made the dinner fantastic....all day was good til about 6 and that is when everything changed. Im going to make plans to go to NYC my hip is killing me I hope I can make it. I just don't have time to finish this now as i must go to work..i have had so many thoughts in my head and then when i get to write them down it is not the same...
i lost a very good crying song that was erased because someone called my phone while i was blogging that is eating at me...have to keep everything on the notes and email...always a lesson to learn.
another year gone by really sad...even with all my thank full ness. arghh
we had a great great thanks giving turkey yesterday which made the dinner fantastic....all day was good til about 6 and that is when everything changed. Im going to make plans to go to NYC my hip is killing me I hope I can make it. I just don't have time to finish this now as i must go to work..i have had so many thoughts in my head and then when i get to write them down it is not the same...
i lost a very good crying song that was erased because someone called my phone while i was blogging that is eating at me...have to keep everything on the notes and email...always a lesson to learn.
another year gone by really sad...even with all my thank full ness. arghh
Wednesday, November 23, 2011
Lost post
Trying to get back to my crying song
Cry cry cry baby cry
Don't be afraid to let the tears come down cry cry cry
Sometimes you needs to cry just let the fall from your eyes
I can hear your tale I can hear your wails
Don't think that I can't see you
Don't think that I can't imagine you
Just know that I am beside you
Guiding you
Be strong even if you cry
Be stronger than you thought I was when I died
Cr cry cry
Dry tears and smile
Cry cry cry baby cry
Don't be afraid to let the tears come down cry cry cry
Sometimes you needs to cry just let the fall from your eyes
I can hear your tale I can hear your wails
Don't think that I can't see you
Don't think that I can't imagine you
Just know that I am beside you
Guiding you
Be strong even if you cry
Be stronger than you thought I was when I died
Cr cry cry
Dry tears and smile
ugh ugha ugh
trying to be upbeat considering
ugh
My Mom is depressed...very difficult for her...she wants to drive and she should have had me drive with her yesterday....I wish I could buy her a little car that is what she needs.... sooo frustrating....so worried to my stomach...She wants to be at home and She wants to travel but she is afraid to go alone. I wish I could take her but I can't ... I just don't have the Funds... That being said...here i am at this computer i have 5 minutes before i have to get ready for work...
my son has driven me mad again...for this i do not know what to say..he brings it upon the entire family--- i am sooo pissed is it ever going to stop...really God help me and help him...He needs to find religion I swear.
They could all use a dose of it...belief in something stronger than themselves...I trully believe that if you want to have children you need to be responsible for them, not have someone else
and what is he teaching his son...going in an out of his life days are like weeks to kids... i am just so pissed.
well happy thanksgiving ...i am thankful for many things but right now i am just tooo angry and I am thankful that i can admit that too.
ugh
My Mom is depressed...very difficult for her...she wants to drive and she should have had me drive with her yesterday....I wish I could buy her a little car that is what she needs.... sooo frustrating....so worried to my stomach...She wants to be at home and She wants to travel but she is afraid to go alone. I wish I could take her but I can't ... I just don't have the Funds... That being said...here i am at this computer i have 5 minutes before i have to get ready for work...
my son has driven me mad again...for this i do not know what to say..he brings it upon the entire family--- i am sooo pissed is it ever going to stop...really God help me and help him...He needs to find religion I swear.
They could all use a dose of it...belief in something stronger than themselves...I trully believe that if you want to have children you need to be responsible for them, not have someone else
and what is he teaching his son...going in an out of his life days are like weeks to kids... i am just so pissed.
well happy thanksgiving ...i am thankful for many things but right now i am just tooo angry and I am thankful that i can admit that too.
Tuesday, November 22, 2011
Tuesdays
Tuesdays with Mom, like Tuesdays with Morrie, not
That guy is not the only one with claim to spending Tuesdays with someone that he loves.
Sooo tired today and I have no clue why
Watched the Patriots..awesome win after loathsome start
hahah
having pie and coffee for breakfast then off to the cape...
car doing ok just still needs a good cleaning
I feel so happy to have my own mechanic, is that ridiculous or what...but really it is a trust situation, you have to trust your mechanic to not screw you...which would be very easy for me because i know nothing about cars and i do not want to know anything about them...why should I have to know about cars when i know so much about so much other stuff... it is something i choose to be dumb in...know nothing say nothing
last night all the kids were here, there was no fighting and that was good -- some times they bicker and that drives me mad but otherwise when i woke up this morning i had the same sensation i had as a kid, safe, warm, comfortable, i heard the mother telling her son to get up...(i was so glad it wasn't me)
for so many years i had to get people up, now i only have to get myself up, it is easier to just get yourself up then one or two or three or four...i wonder how i did it, i wonder how my mother did it...7 kids my lord!!!
That guy is not the only one with claim to spending Tuesdays with someone that he loves.
Sooo tired today and I have no clue why
Watched the Patriots..awesome win after loathsome start
hahah
having pie and coffee for breakfast then off to the cape...
car doing ok just still needs a good cleaning
I feel so happy to have my own mechanic, is that ridiculous or what...but really it is a trust situation, you have to trust your mechanic to not screw you...which would be very easy for me because i know nothing about cars and i do not want to know anything about them...why should I have to know about cars when i know so much about so much other stuff... it is something i choose to be dumb in...know nothing say nothing
last night all the kids were here, there was no fighting and that was good -- some times they bicker and that drives me mad but otherwise when i woke up this morning i had the same sensation i had as a kid, safe, warm, comfortable, i heard the mother telling her son to get up...(i was so glad it wasn't me)
for so many years i had to get people up, now i only have to get myself up, it is easier to just get yourself up then one or two or three or four...i wonder how i did it, i wonder how my mother did it...7 kids my lord!!!
Saturday, November 19, 2011
Funny husband
Came home from work
Made my own dinner as usual
Kids asked me ffor something
So I said- gheesh. Come home after work and shopping. . Order my prescriptions. Cook my dinner run out and get the meds. And Fred pipes up. I guess your wife sucks. And I cracked up. Yup guess so
Made my own dinner as usual
Kids asked me ffor something
So I said- gheesh. Come home after work and shopping. . Order my prescriptions. Cook my dinner run out and get the meds. And Fred pipes up. I guess your wife sucks. And I cracked up. Yup guess so
Friday, November 18, 2011
more about time
Let’s Have Coffee
there are people who like coffee, people who can take it or leave it, and people who can’t stand coffee, just the smell of it makes them sick.
So let’s talk about coffee, DD, Starbucks, Honey Dew, Marylou’s, name the coffee place and I’ll check and out and give you the view.
First and foremost, not all Dunkin Donuts all the same. Some Dunkin’s just don’t make the grade, on the other hand every Starbuck’s I’ve ever been too, consistency, they have it. Except for the Starbucks at the Hotel in the Marriot at Niagara Falls, not up to par, but then again the hotel had just opened.
Time goes by and stuff happens, just stuff
Everyone says, what happened...and the reply is....
Life gets in the way...
Life can be solo---life can be joint, or joined, life can be great and you give and give of yourself to certain ways and goals, and then things change
And that is gone but what is gone is filled up by something else
And you say... what happened how come we don’t talk anymore>
How come we don’t see each other any more?
Because it is not convenient...
Many friendships are friendships of convenience...they work when you are there together by fate but when the wheel changes and everything moves on often those friendships are left on the sideline...
Some friends you will have forever
And some friends you might find out were never really friends at all
But some friends when you don't get to say good bye to them because you have grown up or gone away or they did...
and then you find out that that person is dead, it can just be really really painful
This year I found out 3 people my age are dead, I never got to say good bye or hug them that is what hurts the most.
there are people who like coffee, people who can take it or leave it, and people who can’t stand coffee, just the smell of it makes them sick.
So let’s talk about coffee, DD, Starbucks, Honey Dew, Marylou’s, name the coffee place and I’ll check and out and give you the view.
First and foremost, not all Dunkin Donuts all the same. Some Dunkin’s just don’t make the grade, on the other hand every Starbuck’s I’ve ever been too, consistency, they have it. Except for the Starbucks at the Hotel in the Marriot at Niagara Falls, not up to par, but then again the hotel had just opened.
Time goes by and stuff happens, just stuff
Everyone says, what happened...and the reply is....
Life gets in the way...
Life can be solo---life can be joint, or joined, life can be great and you give and give of yourself to certain ways and goals, and then things change
And that is gone but what is gone is filled up by something else
And you say... what happened how come we don’t talk anymore>
How come we don’t see each other any more?
Because it is not convenient...
Many friendships are friendships of convenience...they work when you are there together by fate but when the wheel changes and everything moves on often those friendships are left on the sideline...
Some friends you will have forever
And some friends you might find out were never really friends at all
But some friends when you don't get to say good bye to them because you have grown up or gone away or they did...
and then you find out that that person is dead, it can just be really really painful
This year I found out 3 people my age are dead, I never got to say good bye or hug them that is what hurts the most.
staying up too late
have been staying up late, watching the football games this week... must knock it off and do some stuff...just lazy i would say...trying to relax after work is difficult adrenaline pumping...but here i go again for another day and this one looks like a late one. ugh...so be it.hopefully it will change is all i can say.
and im am done with the c brothers.
and im am done with the c brothers.
Thursday, November 17, 2011
The rain comes down I hear crackling and plop and patters. I hear running in the gutters the street table rises and the sewer fills pushing back I'm crying because he is trying to make me do something I don't want to do I feel like the rain on the earth going down the gutter
The rain comes down I hear crackling and plop and patters. I hear running in the gutters the street table rises and the sewer fills pushing back I'm crying because he is trying to make me do something I don't want to do I feel like the rain on the earth going down the gutter
J
Wednesday, November 16, 2011
Tuesday, November 15, 2011
November 15th
mind not completely there... sister coming in from hawaii and i thought it was today but it is tomorrow... Tomorrow would have been or is Connie's birthday... it has been over 13 years since she passed, and 14 since my father --- when you love someone and you think of them passing on, alot of thought are postive, you think of the things that drove you crazy and you laugh, you think of the things you laughed about and you laugh harder, you think about the struggles and the strife and they aren't so bad. it is all over when they die, or is it...
i don't believe it is,
there is spirit that lives on,
words or mannerisms,
glimmers cast your eye,
a glimpse
you've seen before in another --
tears shed like dew dripping in the woods wet
the mist coming from the pond
mourning you
i care not to
but remember you as the smile
and the fighter that you were
i don't believe it is,
there is spirit that lives on,
words or mannerisms,
glimmers cast your eye,
a glimpse
you've seen before in another --
tears shed like dew dripping in the woods wet
the mist coming from the pond
mourning you
i care not to
but remember you as the smile
and the fighter that you were
Monday, November 14, 2011
Monday Grind
So back to the job, and still sick, exhausted and would love to just take a week off, but it's not going to happen...arghhhhhhh
i wish the mail would calm down so I can get back to my life. I don't know if it is going to though.
Cold has come in and I have a chill...
So let's have coffee or tea if you will
i wish the mail would calm down so I can get back to my life. I don't know if it is going to though.
Cold has come in and I have a chill...
So let's have coffee or tea if you will
Sunday, November 13, 2011
found poem
Morning Walk
Daylight sun-up slacks pressed for lover
Little black pug sits in the kitchen chair
Waiting for his mother ---
She takes the jeans from the bedroom floor
Crinkled as they lie, an accordion
A snake curled, unzipped fly….
She dips her feet into them, pulling up, they slip over her skin
Without any panties there, thoughts of a warm shower
Don’t take the stale ones, save the clean ones for later.
In the pockets are slips of paper, a few pennies, and a nickel
But in the back, there is a bulge, a bulbous bump
She reaches in and her fingertips are greeted by coarse giant pebbles
Slip into the pocket by a tiny hand.
She smiles, she remembers, and she cries inside, she fears for him,
Worries, he is only part her child. If she could fix things and
Make them right she would, but she can’t change your Daddy
Or your Mommy… Each thinking what each other could or should or won’t do
There is no compromise.
jwillard july 10,2004
for my Johnny cake I love u so, I’m sorry you have to go through all this. Grammy
Daylight sun-up slacks pressed for lover
Little black pug sits in the kitchen chair
Waiting for his mother ---
She takes the jeans from the bedroom floor
Crinkled as they lie, an accordion
A snake curled, unzipped fly….
She dips her feet into them, pulling up, they slip over her skin
Without any panties there, thoughts of a warm shower
Don’t take the stale ones, save the clean ones for later.
In the pockets are slips of paper, a few pennies, and a nickel
But in the back, there is a bulge, a bulbous bump
She reaches in and her fingertips are greeted by coarse giant pebbles
Slip into the pocket by a tiny hand.
She smiles, she remembers, and she cries inside, she fears for him,
Worries, he is only part her child. If she could fix things and
Make them right she would, but she can’t change your Daddy
Or your Mommy… Each thinking what each other could or should or won’t do
There is no compromise.
jwillard july 10,2004
for my Johnny cake I love u so, I’m sorry you have to go through all this. Grammy
still tired
still tired and not well
long day and i should just be in bed.
i want to quit my job and run away to where it is warm and where it will stay warm. im tired is all i seem to say
long day and i should just be in bed.
i want to quit my job and run away to where it is warm and where it will stay warm. im tired is all i seem to say
Saturday, November 12, 2011
Tummy ache
Tummy ache tummy ache please go away
Tired of the monster scratching the inside of my belly
Tired of the gurgling groaning and moaning
Afraid of the nausea and headache that woke quit. Go to sleep wake up still queased
Go away please please please
Tired of the monster scratching the inside of my belly
Tired of the gurgling groaning and moaning
Afraid of the nausea and headache that woke quit. Go to sleep wake up still queased
Go away please please please
Halloween
It is Halloween and I have no candy...wowo..
not like me at all, must hit the store sometime in work I guess.
My boss will be back today, not something I am looking forward to but none the less done.
Tomorrow is November 1st and Thanksgiving is not far away then Christmas, what is happening...
Time going by way to fast. just WOW
not like me at all, must hit the store sometime in work I guess.
My boss will be back today, not something I am looking forward to but none the less done.
Tomorrow is November 1st and Thanksgiving is not far away then Christmas, what is happening...
Time going by way to fast. just WOW
sat
Have been thinking alot about Christmas... what to do, it is at my sister's and i hope things go well there. I wonder sometimes but that is all i can do wonder, spend my entire life wondering...wandering thoughts that do not make sense some home come to me ...very intense.
i don't hear voices, nor see ghoasts, but words come through me like waves touch the coast,
today is just another day, Saturday but it is blue, because it is getting chilly out and my stomach is aching me too.
spent the day in bed yesterday, but it hasn't changed a thing,
i want to climb back into it and pretend that Im a Queen,
churn churn goes the knots in my belly, and I would really like to cry,
but i won't
Ill dress and ride and take that climb to where
there are bratty men that today I just might chide.
and a couple of women too!
Feel better oh how i wish
i don't hear voices, nor see ghoasts, but words come through me like waves touch the coast,
today is just another day, Saturday but it is blue, because it is getting chilly out and my stomach is aching me too.
spent the day in bed yesterday, but it hasn't changed a thing,
i want to climb back into it and pretend that Im a Queen,
churn churn goes the knots in my belly, and I would really like to cry,
but i won't
Ill dress and ride and take that climb to where
there are bratty men that today I just might chide.
and a couple of women too!
Feel better oh how i wish
Friday, November 11, 2011
Ugh
Have the day off and nothing is going right. Sick in bed. My heart hurts too. Left my meds in my car which I am afraid to go into after being sick in it yesterday. Cleaned it up but some smells don't leave their nests. Maybe take it and get it detailed. I do t know. Just wish things were better. Too emotional and need to not cry
Thursday, November 10, 2011
hooray for Thursday
I have tomorrow off and I need it...I think I have a cold which is not good.
Just tired and runned down. Ive been going to bed but the stress at work is kicking my ass...arghh...
today is another day with the brats. and my boss will be on my ass again..blah blah blah ...
it is not an easy job. oh well...
trying to save truck 61...that's Billy Nevulis's job. I wonder if it can be done? why not? ops blah blah blah...
not looking forward to the cold I really don't feel well enough to handle it.
Just tired and runned down. Ive been going to bed but the stress at work is kicking my ass...arghh...
today is another day with the brats. and my boss will be on my ass again..blah blah blah ...
it is not an easy job. oh well...
trying to save truck 61...that's Billy Nevulis's job. I wonder if it can be done? why not? ops blah blah blah...
not looking forward to the cold I really don't feel well enough to handle it.
Tuesday, November 08, 2011
morning
It's 6:52am been up since I can't remember, early early, and I don't have to work. Going to the cape but need to do a few things around here. Told Fred, D died, and he said, D isn't anything,he is dead...just seemed a cold and cruel thing to say. What did he die of a drug od? really sometimes he can be a jerk. get over it. Life goes on
Life Goes on I cant go back to my future and the beyond to whereever this tact is taking me...to get in a sailboat and float then fly with the wind and seaspray in my face.ok.
let's go
Life Goes on I cant go back to my future and the beyond to whereever this tact is taking me...to get in a sailboat and float then fly with the wind and seaspray in my face.ok.
let's go
Monday, November 07, 2011
Funny
Funny how ruffled and rippled people can get when you say. I love u
There is all kind of love and most of it is pretty good. I don't get into the bad love scene. It is a waste of my energy
There is all kind of love and most of it is pretty good. I don't get into the bad love scene. It is a waste of my energy
Truth
I feel sorry for anyone who has no faith as to believe in the collective conscience. It truly exists
just messed up
Monday and I'm going to work, life goes on and that is how it is... tomorrow I will go to my mother's and do what I have been doing for a while now. She needs to get stronger or else she won't have the life she wants. She is working on it but it is not easy.
I on the other hand am just floating along, days and nights, sports suck lately --- they have me depressed to say the least. I haven't changed not one ioda and I do not think I can nor do I really want to. I need more energy that I do not have so be it.
It is messed up. What I wrote and then what happened. I need to let it go and get back to it. I can't change anything If I don't change. So I will and that will be it.
It is cold all ready. I hate the cold.
I on the other hand am just floating along, days and nights, sports suck lately --- they have me depressed to say the least. I haven't changed not one ioda and I do not think I can nor do I really want to. I need more energy that I do not have so be it.
It is messed up. What I wrote and then what happened. I need to let it go and get back to it. I can't change anything If I don't change. So I will and that will be it.
It is cold all ready. I hate the cold.
Sunday, November 06, 2011
Sunday
The weather has turned fall is definitely here. Nice day for driving the sun is out and it is warm in the car, not open air though too cold on the legs.
Saturday, November 05, 2011
mind crippled
my mind is not thinking clearly too much stuff from the past
ghost like and odd...
let's have coffee she says and i think yes we should
but then i think what for
we are in the same place but different directions for so long
what would be the point,
rehashing the past not worth it
i have too much positive since then
no ammends were made there, it all still confuses me, was i that warped
or what he that mad, as insane, unalbe to talk
i dont know and i would like to that is a sad question
a very sad question that cannot be answered because he is dead now.
live long and prosper that is it
dream on in my heart i know what went on
if you call me i will be there he said
i never did so i don't know
there was no point to it
a friendship i would be denied because of my chosen life.
rip
ghost like and odd...
let's have coffee she says and i think yes we should
but then i think what for
we are in the same place but different directions for so long
what would be the point,
rehashing the past not worth it
i have too much positive since then
no ammends were made there, it all still confuses me, was i that warped
or what he that mad, as insane, unalbe to talk
i dont know and i would like to that is a sad question
a very sad question that cannot be answered because he is dead now.
live long and prosper that is it
dream on in my heart i know what went on
if you call me i will be there he said
i never did so i don't know
there was no point to it
a friendship i would be denied because of my chosen life.
rip
Friday, November 04, 2011
ouch
sick to my stomach...so much to do at work, would rather have too much to do at home...funny how when someone dies that you never made peace with it can feel uneasy and questionable...like what happened there. oh well life goes on.
Thursday, November 03, 2011
November 3
Dark morning dark day light and lift and melt away
come into the sun come into the shine
come into the light and let's go for a ride
all I think of doing lately is driving the Mohawk Trail.
I wonder when we will
come into the sun come into the shine
come into the light and let's go for a ride
all I think of doing lately is driving the Mohawk Trail.
I wonder when we will
Wednesday, November 02, 2011
November
Was down the cape, Mom seems tired. I want to give her a pep pill but I dont know if that will help. SO sad leaving her and she is not in a rush to have me go. I don't know what to say or do. She would be better off if more people were around her like in the summer, but I have to work. How do I convince others to take her out and keep her busy. I might call senior help in Falmouth today.
Monday, October 31, 2011
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