well it is 5 am and i am trying to get myself together to go back to this place that i dont really want to go to ...so it is a challenge. It is so weird when you have to sit down and look at yourself and say, what did i do to create this situation, and then assess what you can do to fix things. i dont really know how to fix things because with them i never knew i was saying anything that would shock or horrify or otherwise insult them until i had already said it, so here is Tuesday and I have to work straight through Saturday which is not very appealing to me, not because I dont want to work, but because of the weight of the oppression i feel.... just sucks.
but I will try to be positive and build upon the negatives (even if I disagree) I will not say anything about anything but just go in and run report and educate myself as that is the way it appears to me that I have to do. I obviously appear incompetent and that is not good. Especially since I know I am not. I am totally trying to keep my nerves intact. This really really sucks.
On the other hand...yesterday while in my usual doodles I came across a theme for some work which i hope I will create... So if i make it through this i might actually do some artwork and some more writing besides all this whinning and get on with things.
i hate being a grown up. it is much easier to play in a world where there are no responsibilites and you can just do what you want when you want.
i suppose the opposite of BIG would be me. let me be little again with my innocence intact, without the knowledge of the world and what it does to people and dreams and families and the innocents themselves. the burden of knowledge is sometimes too great. it is a weight that can imprision ones mind and being, it is also a tool though however if you are an educated person working with those who think you think you are something better than those who are not educated that can sometimes cause great strife. fear...who is this person ...what is he she trying to prove.
arghh i must get on with this
Tuesday, April 04, 2006
Monday, April 03, 2006
more of the old
There is nothing like the dread that comes, like being a little kid and not doing your homework, the feeling like, I'm in for it. That is how I feel. I am so worn out by this entire process it is disgusting that I am still in it.
Last night I said I was gong to quit, if this is what things are like now, what are they going to get to be like. only worse before better.
quitter that's what was said -- dont be a quitter... they are trying to push you out because of fear, or jealousy or some other motivation
what is the motivation behind the conversation. what a horrid why to go through all of this
with 4 weeks less it is Mom's way, put up and shut up, dont say a word-- it is obvious that other supervisors feel threatened when a person comes in and views their operations and see that things are not the way the instructors are instructing, never mind the fact that it is sooo difficult to work with a group that identifies themselves as such and if you are not in that group watch out. The select fews have "chit chats" about those who are not, it is highschool again and it is bs. I was never like that in High School why would I be that way now?
Last night I said I was gong to quit, if this is what things are like now, what are they going to get to be like. only worse before better.
quitter that's what was said -- dont be a quitter... they are trying to push you out because of fear, or jealousy or some other motivation
what is the motivation behind the conversation. what a horrid why to go through all of this
with 4 weeks less it is Mom's way, put up and shut up, dont say a word-- it is obvious that other supervisors feel threatened when a person comes in and views their operations and see that things are not the way the instructors are instructing, never mind the fact that it is sooo difficult to work with a group that identifies themselves as such and if you are not in that group watch out. The select fews have "chit chats" about those who are not, it is highschool again and it is bs. I was never like that in High School why would I be that way now?
Sunday, April 02, 2006
dream
For the past few weeks I've had this horrid dream that wakes me up, and sends me running out of the bed, it is so real that I cannot rest again until I've talked to all of my kids, ...I am sleeping and I hear a horrid cry, Mom, Mommy and then I wake up. The cry seems as it if is real life, I wonder if my soul is suffering.
I've also had bad dreams about the po. Never mind the daydreaming on how to deal with the situation, but my daughter reminded me that the po sucks. She reminded me of how many supervisors have an fantastic attitude about what they do, they are great and you suck... She reminded me of all the reasons why I wanted to leave the place, and here I am going some place on the career path that is the opposite to all that I am.
I will be silent in class tomorrow as much as I can be. The oppression has to stop!!! I believe in myself and that counts for alot if you ask me.
I've also had bad dreams about the po. Never mind the daydreaming on how to deal with the situation, but my daughter reminded me that the po sucks. She reminded me of how many supervisors have an fantastic attitude about what they do, they are great and you suck... She reminded me of all the reasons why I wanted to leave the place, and here I am going some place on the career path that is the opposite to all that I am.
I will be silent in class tomorrow as much as I can be. The oppression has to stop!!! I believe in myself and that counts for alot if you ask me.
Saturday, April 01, 2006
thinking
my soul is reaching out and feeling what is this that has come about
what karmic lesson or what new journey, what do i not want to become
I certainly do not want to become that which I have visited or been priviledged to bear witness to, why would I
the negativity is great.
I will bear with it.
Only one week in this station and then I have a break from them thank God, then I will be with the ass alone, and what will happen then I do not know, but personally I really dont care.
He doesnt see himself.
I try to see myself everyday, but that doesnt mean I dont see myself as a fool wandering a path back and forth
questioning, is this worth it?
I ve been through so much shit it really sucks,
I am just trying to do something for my family to make our lives a bit better
I didnt get here through the help of anyone but myself, i did higher level I didn a 991 i did pass the interview, and the tests and the first section of the training, and now to be berated just because I mention something where does that put me, do i want to co operate, no i want to run
I want to run so fast it isnt funny
Can i change things in the long run?
who knows what are my goals...stay in focus, just stay in focus....
what karmic lesson or what new journey, what do i not want to become
I certainly do not want to become that which I have visited or been priviledged to bear witness to, why would I
the negativity is great.
I will bear with it.
Only one week in this station and then I have a break from them thank God, then I will be with the ass alone, and what will happen then I do not know, but personally I really dont care.
He doesnt see himself.
I try to see myself everyday, but that doesnt mean I dont see myself as a fool wandering a path back and forth
questioning, is this worth it?
I ve been through so much shit it really sucks,
I am just trying to do something for my family to make our lives a bit better
I didnt get here through the help of anyone but myself, i did higher level I didn a 991 i did pass the interview, and the tests and the first section of the training, and now to be berated just because I mention something where does that put me, do i want to co operate, no i want to run
I want to run so fast it isnt funny
Can i change things in the long run?
who knows what are my goals...stay in focus, just stay in focus....
thoughts write it out
i have no way to deal with this really... there is only one thing to do and that is to write it out or else i will go mad. the temptation is too great, i want to call him and say what is your fn problem, what did i do to you, ive had to sit and listen to you on how you think theyve made so many mistakes picking people for the program and other stuff you have said about it, and i have to wonder really what is up your ass? but i dont because it just seems to me that talking to you will get me know where, there should be a joint communication, that is all and i dont think that being questioned is like being taught...but hey so goes the way of the world,
you cant show someone how to do something once and expect the person to know it. I think it is just bs that is for sure.
this is such a lonely place,a very lonely place.... not knowing how to handle it, is it worth it, i want to call him and say ...did i do something to piss you off... i want to say to him, what is your problem? but i am not at least for now, my better judgement tells me to let it go and just get on with things...not say a word to b or him about anything for certain they really have made some judgments about me that they are not sharing, but they judge everyone in the office.... it is really sickening. Help!
you cant show someone how to do something once and expect the person to know it. I think it is just bs that is for sure.
this is such a lonely place,a very lonely place.... not knowing how to handle it, is it worth it, i want to call him and say ...did i do something to piss you off... i want to say to him, what is your problem? but i am not at least for now, my better judgement tells me to let it go and just get on with things...not say a word to b or him about anything for certain they really have made some judgments about me that they are not sharing, but they judge everyone in the office.... it is really sickening. Help!
another bad day
I dont know how much longer I can take the bs. as that is what it is.
Now i am in another situation a team, that I am dividing, how does someone come into a place and disrupt the team>? it is bs. I feel some severe bad energy from him but what can I say. F says let it go. Yes, I want to let it go but it is bs. There is only so much I can take. I'll do this week and be glad to go on to the otherside. It is really ridiculous the feedback that this guy is giving out about my class, and I havent said a word back. God save me from all this!
Now i am in another situation a team, that I am dividing, how does someone come into a place and disrupt the team>? it is bs. I feel some severe bad energy from him but what can I say. F says let it go. Yes, I want to let it go but it is bs. There is only so much I can take. I'll do this week and be glad to go on to the otherside. It is really ridiculous the feedback that this guy is giving out about my class, and I havent said a word back. God save me from all this!
Sunday, March 26, 2006
A Babe Story
Babe Wants a Job
By Connell Mathews
Once upon a time in the Forest of Destiny there was a fairy named Babe. She lived in a pea pod under the Willow Tree down by the grassy knoll. Babe was a special fairy with green eyes, and heartshine, for if Babe was to smile at you, and you were downtrodden, you would be filled with happiness, at least for a little while.
When Babe was young she had four flowers that she tended to every day, two pink with silver stems and two blue, with golden stems, but as Babe grew older, so did her flowers, and soon there was a garden that many fairies tended to. The King of the Woodland never assigned another job to Babe, so often, time was her own, and Babe was free to do what ever she pleased.
Babe loved to travel. Sometimes, she would visit the Land of the Humans, and other times she would camp out at the Rainbow River and laugh at the leprechauns and elves because they had wild parties where they sang and danced and fell into the water, but none of them could swim. If needed, Babe would use her magic to rescue them. Babe would, of course, visit the Black Rose to hear about things unknown, but often times Babe was alone.
Babe was older now, and a bit wiser, and although some don’t realize it, fairies do get to an age when they are less inclined to roam, however, Babe never lost her fever for discovery.
On one cold day in January, Babe packed her wand in her fairy satchel along with some honey, some magic sprinkles, her notebook, her glasses, and hopped upon her poppy stick and flew.
First, Babe went to visit her sister, Dawn. Dawn only came out when the sun was down, that was the kind of fairy she was. Dawn was the oracle for the littlest ones and very busy all night long. When Dawn saw Babe, she whispered aside, “Hey, hey, and they fluttered their wings and hugged. I’m so glad to see you.”
Babe watched Dawn work through the night, exhausted in the morn; Dawn fell asleep as they talked. Babe pouted, “Why hadn’t the King of the Woodland given her another job.” When dusk came Dawn awoke, but she was too busy to visit with Babe: two new fairies were coming their way. Babe hugged her sister good bye and went on her way, but she didn’t have a way.
Babe felt a tear in her eye as she flew. There was nothing here or there, there was nothing new, or so she thought until she wasn’t paying attention and into a hole in a Redwood tree she flew.
Bump, Bump, Bump, Babe bumped down through the trunk of the tree, down through all ledges that lead to limbs, and roots. Down into the ground Babe found herself covered with dirt and goo.
“Arghh!” Babe shouted at herself, “How could this have happened? Where am I? How could this be, no one is allowed to make tunnels under trees.”
Babe tried to fly up, but her wings were covered with goo. Her poppy stick was stuck above her, but she couldn’t reach it either. Babe looked around and searched for something she could climb on, but there was not-a thing she could use.
She took off her fairy satchel and looked for her whistle, but she didn’t have it, she’d forgotten it. Oh, what was Babe to do?
Babe sat down and began to cry. She hadn’t cried for a very long time, at least one hundred years, she thought. Why was she crying now? She was older and wiser, and, and, she lost her thoughts as she whimpered for a Big Rat, with a very large head and missing tooth was coming toward her. He was smacking his lips and breathing through the hole where his tooth was missing. Babe wondered if he was going to try to eat her.
Taking out her magic sprinkles, Babe tried to hide, but the goo made the dust disappear. Babe backed up further and further into the tunnel as the Rat moved closer and closer toward her.
Finally Babe stopped, “What do you want?”
But the Rat didn’t speak; he just kept gnashing his one big tooth.
Babe held out her fairy wand, “Please, I don’t want to hurt you.”
But the Rat put out his paws, with long nails, he grabbed her fairy wand and snapped it, and then he snatched her fairy satchel away.
Babe tried to flutter her wings again, but the goop was just too thick.
“Help help” cried Babe, but soon she found herself in a cage.
“He, he,” snarled the Rat, “I’ve got myself a fairy.”
“He he,” the Rat snarled some more, "And I’ve got her fairy satchel. What does she have in here?” said the Rat as he emptied the contents onto the tunnel floor.
Babe moved back as far as she could from the paws of the Rat,”Who are you?” She hollered. “What are you doing building a tunnel beneath the Redwood trees, you know that is not allowed? Wait till the King of the Woodlands finds out. You'll be thrown from the Forest of Destiny, just you wait and see.”
The Rat paid her no mind, he didn’t even introduce himself, he put on her glasses, and then glared at Babe in the cage.
“You’ll see,” said the Rat, “You are no threat to me, and neither is the King. I’m going to catch the King of the Woodland, too, and then I will be King! And then what will you do?” The Rat bellowed so loud his sound shook all the under land of the Woodlands, but he was so big headed he never even realized it.
Far away, in the castle of the King, reports came in from all over the Forest of Destiny. “Earthquake.” “Earthshake.” “Tremors.” “Catastrophe.”
“How could that be?” questioned the King. “Bring the Moles before me, I must have a report. Have them investigate immediately and report their findings 1, 2, 3.”
Within the hour the Moles reported, “Sire, there is something odd, we’ve found a series of tunnels beneath the Oldest Redwood tree. They are lined with goo and we are unable to travel through. The goo attaches to our feet and makes us unable to move.”
The King was worried. He agreed to meet the Moles at the site to investigate this himself. He brought along a team of engineers, one scientist, and the chief wizard to assist.
Babe sat in the cage deep in the tunnel. The Rat glared at her from time to time. “Maybe he is sad,' Babe thought to herself. So Babe began to grin and she smiled, perhaps her heartshine would help her. But the Rat glared back at her,” What do you think, this is funny? You stupid fairy. I know all about you. I know you are the King's favorite and he will come to rescue you.”
“The King doesn’t even know I am here,” said Babe. “You better send him a ransom note.”
The Rat shook his head, “I don’t have to listen to you. I know what I’m going to do," and without even looking before he leapt, he went up through the tunnel, as if he was going up through a shoot.
Babe sat down and tried to reach for her satchel, but it was no use.
When the Rat jumped out of the hole, he found himself inside a trap. The moles, the engineers, and the scientists had planned it.
The Rat was angry,” He was spitting ashes as he spoke, “You think you’ve got me, but there's something you don’t know. And I’m not going to tell you, so you better let me go.”
The King spied into the trap, he saw the glasses on the Rat. He knew immediately that they were Babes and he whispered to the wizard, "Babe must be saved."
The wizard blew into the tunnel and the goo dissipated. Down into the hole climbed the moles.
Babe was sitting on the lock of the cage trying to open it,”Oh Oh, thank-you, thank-you, you’ve come to save me. Hey, how did you know to rescue me?”
The moles told Babe the King had sent them.
But how did he know? Babe wondered, but then the chief mole held out her glasses,
“Oh you’ve caught the Rat, how fantastic!”
The next week, Babe made an appointment to visit the King.
“Oh, Sire," she asked, “Why don’t you give me a job?”
And the King replied, “But Babe don’t you see, you have not one, but many. You’ll find them on your own, and don’t think that I won’t know.”
With that Babe was happy. She went home for a bit, but Babe knew when it struck her fancy, that something was not yancy in the Forest of Destiny, it was time for her to roam.
C 2006
By Connell Mathews
Once upon a time in the Forest of Destiny there was a fairy named Babe. She lived in a pea pod under the Willow Tree down by the grassy knoll. Babe was a special fairy with green eyes, and heartshine, for if Babe was to smile at you, and you were downtrodden, you would be filled with happiness, at least for a little while.
When Babe was young she had four flowers that she tended to every day, two pink with silver stems and two blue, with golden stems, but as Babe grew older, so did her flowers, and soon there was a garden that many fairies tended to. The King of the Woodland never assigned another job to Babe, so often, time was her own, and Babe was free to do what ever she pleased.
Babe loved to travel. Sometimes, she would visit the Land of the Humans, and other times she would camp out at the Rainbow River and laugh at the leprechauns and elves because they had wild parties where they sang and danced and fell into the water, but none of them could swim. If needed, Babe would use her magic to rescue them. Babe would, of course, visit the Black Rose to hear about things unknown, but often times Babe was alone.
Babe was older now, and a bit wiser, and although some don’t realize it, fairies do get to an age when they are less inclined to roam, however, Babe never lost her fever for discovery.
On one cold day in January, Babe packed her wand in her fairy satchel along with some honey, some magic sprinkles, her notebook, her glasses, and hopped upon her poppy stick and flew.
First, Babe went to visit her sister, Dawn. Dawn only came out when the sun was down, that was the kind of fairy she was. Dawn was the oracle for the littlest ones and very busy all night long. When Dawn saw Babe, she whispered aside, “Hey, hey, and they fluttered their wings and hugged. I’m so glad to see you.”
Babe watched Dawn work through the night, exhausted in the morn; Dawn fell asleep as they talked. Babe pouted, “Why hadn’t the King of the Woodland given her another job.” When dusk came Dawn awoke, but she was too busy to visit with Babe: two new fairies were coming their way. Babe hugged her sister good bye and went on her way, but she didn’t have a way.
Babe felt a tear in her eye as she flew. There was nothing here or there, there was nothing new, or so she thought until she wasn’t paying attention and into a hole in a Redwood tree she flew.
Bump, Bump, Bump, Babe bumped down through the trunk of the tree, down through all ledges that lead to limbs, and roots. Down into the ground Babe found herself covered with dirt and goo.
“Arghh!” Babe shouted at herself, “How could this have happened? Where am I? How could this be, no one is allowed to make tunnels under trees.”
Babe tried to fly up, but her wings were covered with goo. Her poppy stick was stuck above her, but she couldn’t reach it either. Babe looked around and searched for something she could climb on, but there was not-a thing she could use.
She took off her fairy satchel and looked for her whistle, but she didn’t have it, she’d forgotten it. Oh, what was Babe to do?
Babe sat down and began to cry. She hadn’t cried for a very long time, at least one hundred years, she thought. Why was she crying now? She was older and wiser, and, and, she lost her thoughts as she whimpered for a Big Rat, with a very large head and missing tooth was coming toward her. He was smacking his lips and breathing through the hole where his tooth was missing. Babe wondered if he was going to try to eat her.
Taking out her magic sprinkles, Babe tried to hide, but the goo made the dust disappear. Babe backed up further and further into the tunnel as the Rat moved closer and closer toward her.
Finally Babe stopped, “What do you want?”
But the Rat didn’t speak; he just kept gnashing his one big tooth.
Babe held out her fairy wand, “Please, I don’t want to hurt you.”
But the Rat put out his paws, with long nails, he grabbed her fairy wand and snapped it, and then he snatched her fairy satchel away.
Babe tried to flutter her wings again, but the goop was just too thick.
“Help help” cried Babe, but soon she found herself in a cage.
“He, he,” snarled the Rat, “I’ve got myself a fairy.”
“He he,” the Rat snarled some more, "And I’ve got her fairy satchel. What does she have in here?” said the Rat as he emptied the contents onto the tunnel floor.
Babe moved back as far as she could from the paws of the Rat,”Who are you?” She hollered. “What are you doing building a tunnel beneath the Redwood trees, you know that is not allowed? Wait till the King of the Woodlands finds out. You'll be thrown from the Forest of Destiny, just you wait and see.”
The Rat paid her no mind, he didn’t even introduce himself, he put on her glasses, and then glared at Babe in the cage.
“You’ll see,” said the Rat, “You are no threat to me, and neither is the King. I’m going to catch the King of the Woodland, too, and then I will be King! And then what will you do?” The Rat bellowed so loud his sound shook all the under land of the Woodlands, but he was so big headed he never even realized it.
Far away, in the castle of the King, reports came in from all over the Forest of Destiny. “Earthquake.” “Earthshake.” “Tremors.” “Catastrophe.”
“How could that be?” questioned the King. “Bring the Moles before me, I must have a report. Have them investigate immediately and report their findings 1, 2, 3.”
Within the hour the Moles reported, “Sire, there is something odd, we’ve found a series of tunnels beneath the Oldest Redwood tree. They are lined with goo and we are unable to travel through. The goo attaches to our feet and makes us unable to move.”
The King was worried. He agreed to meet the Moles at the site to investigate this himself. He brought along a team of engineers, one scientist, and the chief wizard to assist.
Babe sat in the cage deep in the tunnel. The Rat glared at her from time to time. “Maybe he is sad,' Babe thought to herself. So Babe began to grin and she smiled, perhaps her heartshine would help her. But the Rat glared back at her,” What do you think, this is funny? You stupid fairy. I know all about you. I know you are the King's favorite and he will come to rescue you.”
“The King doesn’t even know I am here,” said Babe. “You better send him a ransom note.”
The Rat shook his head, “I don’t have to listen to you. I know what I’m going to do," and without even looking before he leapt, he went up through the tunnel, as if he was going up through a shoot.
Babe sat down and tried to reach for her satchel, but it was no use.
When the Rat jumped out of the hole, he found himself inside a trap. The moles, the engineers, and the scientists had planned it.
The Rat was angry,” He was spitting ashes as he spoke, “You think you’ve got me, but there's something you don’t know. And I’m not going to tell you, so you better let me go.”
The King spied into the trap, he saw the glasses on the Rat. He knew immediately that they were Babes and he whispered to the wizard, "Babe must be saved."
The wizard blew into the tunnel and the goo dissipated. Down into the hole climbed the moles.
Babe was sitting on the lock of the cage trying to open it,”Oh Oh, thank-you, thank-you, you’ve come to save me. Hey, how did you know to rescue me?”
The moles told Babe the King had sent them.
But how did he know? Babe wondered, but then the chief mole held out her glasses,
“Oh you’ve caught the Rat, how fantastic!”
The next week, Babe made an appointment to visit the King.
“Oh, Sire," she asked, “Why don’t you give me a job?”
And the King replied, “But Babe don’t you see, you have not one, but many. You’ll find them on your own, and don’t think that I won’t know.”
With that Babe was happy. She went home for a bit, but Babe knew when it struck her fancy, that something was not yancy in the Forest of Destiny, it was time for her to roam.
C 2006
Saturday, March 25, 2006
just going on
It is Saturday and all is ok. I am maintaining, but I've come to the realization that there are no "standards" for those who are participating in this program. By standards, I mean standards of knowledge, standards of ability, and in some ways standards of ethics. For instance, one student isn't held to knowing and doing as much as another student. It all depends upon who the trainer is or trainers are. And the ethical standard is the fact that one trainer can completely destroy a student and there is no punitive action as far as I can see.
I think that after 10 years of having this program that things would be different, but I guess that isn't the case. It is the typical p way, if you try to fix it, it will cost a ton of money so... why bother....
I think that one of the problems is that fact that trainers do not receive compensation. If they did, they might be inspired to teach and do it with good intentions.
Now, my first trainer was fantastic, she taught me a lot, and she had patience, and also a way of being that was a match for me. She certainly help me to excel. On the other hand, the second trainer was an egotistical maniac from the first 15 minutes I spent with him til the infamous last.
Now, here I am in a completely different situation. A situation of team leadership and a group of s. who work together. I have never seen so many s's in one place. But I don't say anything for fear of stirring up the pot. So, here I am in a weird situation, more so because I have a certain standard, a certain expectation, as a teacher and also as a trainee. To me it would have been beneficial if they let me try to manage the floor and fill in where I need help, oversee me so to speak. However, they let me get used to the place, so that is good too. Learning....I am taking my vision as it is, keeping my mouth shut, and watching.
I gave my first safety talk to the group on Friday. They seemed positive and receptive, and actually very nice. I kept it short and sweet, talked about the spring, "watch out for that winter clutter and your daydreaming." Hazards. etc.
D. the manager was supportive...he even winked at me... I feel as if he had some insight into me. Yes, I like to be told I am doing a good job.
I bet he knows D G. hummm
Anyway... on the other hand no feedback good or bad from my trainer (s). Coached by B and that was about it. I like her. She is straight and serious, but funny too. A little different than me. She says "I was wild as a teen." One might think I was but I wasn't. I had my days but for the most part I have been serious my entire life, it is difficult for me to have fun. What is my problem....
At work.... The problem is that I know how to do many of the functions, I just wish they would let me do them. And I am sure it is going to happen very soon. So I am not worried about it at all. I will worry then. Her count is different than mine... so where will we go from here.
On the home front, well, I have a bunch of freeloaders and a son who wants freedom, which is fine, but he needs to do it on his own time and get the chip off his shoulder.
My girls are hard workers, my boys... well they are hard workers too, but there's a difference in the maturity rate between them. I see it in all of them regardless of what they see.
Today is a cleaning day on the list... Laundry, all the ceiling fans, and the front porch. Also I want to see if we can somehow trim that tree out back. I will have to call the tree company, something I really dont want to do, but.... I think it is a good idea before the leaves come in.
It is really getting to be nice out. H is too sensitive about stuff I say, and that I don't know how to fix. If I say to her, you are too sensitive, I am sure she will get pissed. Oh well, sometimes silence is the best thing...Just do what I have to do. Laundry, the porch, and the tree, main focuses today....
I'll tkae my lousy 2.6 and do on, managing myself as best that I can. It is what I should have gotten last week. Being an over achiever sucks, what week was that...11... only 5 more weeks of this shit then onto something else.... plus i have to bid after I get through.... on with the day.
I think that after 10 years of having this program that things would be different, but I guess that isn't the case. It is the typical p way, if you try to fix it, it will cost a ton of money so... why bother....
I think that one of the problems is that fact that trainers do not receive compensation. If they did, they might be inspired to teach and do it with good intentions.
Now, my first trainer was fantastic, she taught me a lot, and she had patience, and also a way of being that was a match for me. She certainly help me to excel. On the other hand, the second trainer was an egotistical maniac from the first 15 minutes I spent with him til the infamous last.
Now, here I am in a completely different situation. A situation of team leadership and a group of s. who work together. I have never seen so many s's in one place. But I don't say anything for fear of stirring up the pot. So, here I am in a weird situation, more so because I have a certain standard, a certain expectation, as a teacher and also as a trainee. To me it would have been beneficial if they let me try to manage the floor and fill in where I need help, oversee me so to speak. However, they let me get used to the place, so that is good too. Learning....I am taking my vision as it is, keeping my mouth shut, and watching.
I gave my first safety talk to the group on Friday. They seemed positive and receptive, and actually very nice. I kept it short and sweet, talked about the spring, "watch out for that winter clutter and your daydreaming." Hazards. etc.
D. the manager was supportive...he even winked at me... I feel as if he had some insight into me. Yes, I like to be told I am doing a good job.
I bet he knows D G. hummm
Anyway... on the other hand no feedback good or bad from my trainer (s). Coached by B and that was about it. I like her. She is straight and serious, but funny too. A little different than me. She says "I was wild as a teen." One might think I was but I wasn't. I had my days but for the most part I have been serious my entire life, it is difficult for me to have fun. What is my problem....
At work.... The problem is that I know how to do many of the functions, I just wish they would let me do them. And I am sure it is going to happen very soon. So I am not worried about it at all. I will worry then. Her count is different than mine... so where will we go from here.
On the home front, well, I have a bunch of freeloaders and a son who wants freedom, which is fine, but he needs to do it on his own time and get the chip off his shoulder.
My girls are hard workers, my boys... well they are hard workers too, but there's a difference in the maturity rate between them. I see it in all of them regardless of what they see.
Today is a cleaning day on the list... Laundry, all the ceiling fans, and the front porch. Also I want to see if we can somehow trim that tree out back. I will have to call the tree company, something I really dont want to do, but.... I think it is a good idea before the leaves come in.
It is really getting to be nice out. H is too sensitive about stuff I say, and that I don't know how to fix. If I say to her, you are too sensitive, I am sure she will get pissed. Oh well, sometimes silence is the best thing...Just do what I have to do. Laundry, the porch, and the tree, main focuses today....
I'll tkae my lousy 2.6 and do on, managing myself as best that I can. It is what I should have gotten last week. Being an over achiever sucks, what week was that...11... only 5 more weeks of this shit then onto something else.... plus i have to bid after I get through.... on with the day.
Wednesday, March 22, 2006
out of there and something new
i was moved from the hellish situation to a situation that is a take it as it goes situation. this is good. i am still worried though having been put through all that shit.
my classmates are all signing up to take cpr april 18th...they want me to join them. i am wondering if we have a class... i will have to see it would be fun to just do something with ourselves.
for certain my nerves have been shot, i haven't written anything for fun or enlightenment or anything but sanity maintaining devices for weeks, how depressing.
the spring is coming and ive had no energy as it is spent all over
give me strenght to get over this, and to stop watching the calendar.
but .... i dont...so let life go on and me too...cheers cheers to the right ness that sometimes happens.
if i was my sister i would go to the drs in phoenix about her neck... all the worry is just not good. that is what i always tell people...dont sit and stew ...go to the drs and have a chew!
live love and laugh oh yeah
my classmates are all signing up to take cpr april 18th...they want me to join them. i am wondering if we have a class... i will have to see it would be fun to just do something with ourselves.
for certain my nerves have been shot, i haven't written anything for fun or enlightenment or anything but sanity maintaining devices for weeks, how depressing.
the spring is coming and ive had no energy as it is spent all over
give me strenght to get over this, and to stop watching the calendar.
but .... i dont...so let life go on and me too...cheers cheers to the right ness that sometimes happens.
if i was my sister i would go to the drs in phoenix about her neck... all the worry is just not good. that is what i always tell people...dont sit and stew ...go to the drs and have a chew!
live love and laugh oh yeah
Sunday, March 19, 2006
the horror of it all
Monday
B my trainer was off. I worked with the other supervisor, T who is very nice and the manager, S J who is great too. The day went relatively smoothly. I was not responsible to work the floor.
The area manager, J called and apparently said to T that I should be running the floor. T said it aloud.
We laughed, and I said, “They did tell us they wanted us to run the floor when we went to our next station.”
S said, “We’ll give you time to know the place.”
T ran the floor; I help as much as I could. I have a lot to learn. T said they count the sprs here in the dispatch. I don’t know what to thing or do, mixed messages. T was just as unsure, she didn’t even realize that she needed to count the curtailed mail for Dois. She is new too and usually does only the financial.
I’ll ask B when I see him tomorrow. All stations are little different, that I know.
I used the DCD without writing down the numbers for the first time and made a mistake. I knew it but I didn’t know how to fix it, although I tried, the other supervisor didn’t know how to fix it either. It was a relativity ok day. S J. is very supportive
Tuesday
I met B while coming through the door. I hung up my coat and went to find him. He was counting the mail in a hamper. I asked him if they counted sprs, as I had been trained to not count them in W R. He told me that he counted them as flats, 115 pieces. He also said there was a certain amount of letter mail at 1.75 feet per tray. I said that “I was previously taught that there is 2 feet of mail per tray.” He was still moving the mail in the hamper and the clerks were there. He told me specifically, “Where did you learn that?”
I said, “W R.”
He said, “I don’t care what you learn in West Roxbury or anywhere.” Adding “and I don’t want to know who told you what.”
I followed him into the office and explained that I had never used the DCD as in W R they didn’t have one, but I had tried the day before. I also explained about the DCD mistake, I had made the day before. He went through various processes and fixed it. His tone was gruff with me. Again he said to me, “I don’t want to know about W R” And I said,” I guess there are differences in every station.”
He replied brusquely,” NO there are no differences in any stations.”
Then I said,” But I was taught it was 2 feet per tray and you say it is 1. 75 so that is a difference.”
As B sat at the computer I mentioned that there were a “ton” of service talks in the office. He asked,” What do you mean?”
To be more specific I said, “We’ll there are two here a VOE and an OSHA, and also three on the clip board. Can I give one today?”
“No,” he said without any explanation. I was taken back by his response and as I had no reason as to why he wouldn’t let me or want me to do a service talk especially when there were so many to do. I mentioned that J called the day before and said he wanted me to run the floor.
B said, “Yeah” and I shrugged my shoulders. And then I added that “that was what they told us in class.”
B told me sternly to be quiet and listen and added, “I have to grade you on your listening skills and the feedback I am getting from you is that they are not where they should be.
By this time I was upset, and I was defensive as I said, “I am a 48 year old woman, who has 4 kids. I am a certified teacher and I have excellent listening skills.”
I added that, “I didn’t know what his expectations of me were, and that I was fearful of him being my trainer as he had already deep sixed someone in my class.”
He asked me boldly,” Do you think that is what you deserve?” And I said “No I do not’ just as sternly back.
He barked at me to stop talking and to listen to him, leaning his face toward mine, reiterating that he “didn’t want to hear what I had to say. He instructed me to “be quiet and listen. You are still in training and I am your instructor.” I fuddled words,” Are you saying I can’t ask you questions” I was nervous as he was speaking to me as if to put me in my place.
Sternly, he said, “See you are still talking back to me, when I told you to sit and be quiet and listen. What I heard from you was that you are telling me that I don’t know my job.”
I said, “I didn’t say that.”
B reprimanded me again. I sat quietly, in shock from the exchange of words, totally berated and washed out. A little while went by I didn’t say another word, and then about 9 or 9:30 B left as he said to me he had a Drs. Appt.
I was upset, but did what I could on the computer and the workroom floor. B left me no instructions.
I was so upset I called my coach and left a message with my cell phone number.
I also spoke to S J.. He knew I was upset. He listened with understanding.
When I got home I called a classmate and also T Q, my old manager, who gave me advice and support.
Wednesday
I arrived before 5:30 and immediately found B counting the mail. I asked him about the count. I followed him around while he went into the office. He sat at the computer and did the entire computer work. I was pretty quiet. I asked if I could count the mail with the DCD. He said, “Yes” but never gave me any instruction nor did he try to talk to me about using the DCD. I counted the mail and gave the DCD to him to check. He never said a word. About 10 or 15 minutes later he came to me and said I had “missed something on the floor and I was to go and find it.”
I found I had not counted a tub of mail the clerks had dispatched to the carrier since the count, when I told B, I found a foot, he said and what about rte 21, and he took me there and reprimanded me in front of the carrier and then walked away. I was following him as I tried to explain that that mail was not originally there.
B smirked at me.
I said, “I am not making an excuse, but that mail wasn’t there.”
He reprimanded me by saying,” You are saying you are not making excuses but you are. You are responsible for the mail count.”
I agreed, and felt belittled and unfairly criticized as the mail he was referring to was mail that the clerks had place near the cases after I had done the original count.
I had not counted the mail the carriers were to sweep at 7:30 upon their report. I felt disheartened and confused. I had no specific instructions and B’s attitude made me feel insecure as if I was hanging by a thread. Instead of supporting my efforts, and specifying instructions to me, he let me fail to count the mail for the carriers’ first sweep and he emphasized my mistake.
( I had no idea of the procedures for the carriers in this office. I figured it out that they like W R punched in and swept. In N Q where I worked prior, the carriers usually went to their cases and then swept.)
I followed B to the office where he continued to do the computer work.
I looked at the reports and reported to B, just as S J popped into the office, that the street/office scans were low. S gave a service talk about scanning. B did all the computer work. I watched quietly. Later B did some stamp counts and transfers and I watched and asked questions. We did not argue. Later, we talked about next week’s area safety talk and he said “Why, you have never been?”
I said, “No, why would I?”
He said, I could attend the one next week and I said I thought that would be good. I also told him about my conversation with one of the carriers using a broken u cart and the conversation I had with the union steward about the situation of the Ucarts in the unit being a safety hazard. B emailed someone to find out about getting more.
He made no comment good or bad.
He left about 12:30 as he said he had to order stamps. He didn’t ask me any questions or give me any feedback on the day.
The day was someone ok.
Thursday, I arrived at my usual time before 5:30 and started counting the mail, I didn’t see B. I took a count sheet out of the office, as I am new, and I don’t remember the numbers and I want to have a reference for the mail count coming into the office. I counted the mail and B was there. I said hi and followed him into the office where B and I had, what I thought was a productive conversation while he was checking his email and we did check the delivery truck.
It was 7:10 when B said that he hadn’t done the DOIS and TACS and I could do it adding the he “couldn’t actually understand why I wasn’t already doing it.”
I just looked at him, but I wanted to say, “why didn’t you say that earlier?” and also “how could I when you have been on the computer?”
I felt under the gun, but was grateful for the opportunity to perform some supervisory tasks.
I printed out reports; B left the office and went to the other side of the building. I had questions. I felt that if I dare make another mistake B would reprimand me again or give me another sign of his disapproval and make me feel more stupid and incompetent.
At 8:30, S wanted his reports. I felt as if B set me up by not allowing me to do the work earlier, but I did have it complete except for one transaction in Tacs.
An aside: B stated in my evaluation that I had made some mistakes in DOIS. If this is true, he never pointed them out to me. It is true that I made two mistakes on the mail count entries into DOIS, but I identified these mistakes immediately and worked to correct them. He never pointed out any mistake I made without me recognizing them first.
I could not get into CSDRS.
I informed B that he would have to do the CSDRS as I had no access. He came into the office and started writing out numbers from reports and I started to ask him questions about why he needed those numbers. He said some for the DPS. I said that I had done that report and I pointed it out to him. He was visibly annoyed with me for pointing out the report. He didn’t say that I did it correctly or incorrectly. I asked him “why?” again about the more numbers he was putting on the back of the Early/Late leaving report and I asked him why he didn’t use the CSDRS delivery helper report. He moved toward my face and sternly told me “When I am instructing you, you are to be quiet and listen. Do not ask me any questions or interrupt until I am through. I was upset, the phone rang, I said, ”Do you want me to get that. He said, “No.” and covered the phone with his hand.
(He did this numerous times when I asked should I get the phone or said “I’ll get it”}
B answered the phone and was talking with a customer. I had a customer request from My PO that I had printed out earlier and I didn’t want to miss the truck driver so I went to take care of the parcel while Brian was on the phone. I left the office to try to find the parcel. The parcel rack is only 10 -15 feet from the office door at most. I labeled the parcel and as I was walking back into the office B called me.
Back in the office, he reprimanded me for leaving while we were doing the report, even though he was on the phone. I said that I was trying to get something else done. He said that I shouldn’t have left because the CSDRS report was due at 10:30 and it didn’t make a difference if he was on the phone. I said, “But I can’t do the report.” B looked at me and told me to sit down and be quiet while he instructed me, he picked out my ASP evaluation from the file rack and read aloud the section on oral communication and pointed out the listening sections. He said to me, as he held the paper in his hand and repeatedly pointed his finger upon the paper, “Look, I have to give you a grade from 0 -4 and I’m telling you, you are not going to make it. I have spoken to K S about you …” at this moment S J was at the door.
I am sure I looked at S, and B, in some horrid way. I felt threatened. The phone rang; it was my coach Joe S. on the phone. I felt as if the phone call was an act of God, the higher power intervened.
I was rescued by my coach. He saved me from another round of B’s whims and moods. He saved me from more reprimanding, belittlement, confrontation, antagonism, and out and out disregard for me as a person.
I was so upset. that as I spoke to J, I could barely talk. We agreed to meet at 1:30 on Friday.
B and I never finished the “discussion” that he began by pointing out to me that I was not going to make it.
Later, just before he left, B said, “Why don’t come in at 6 tomorrow because you will have that meeting?”
I said that, “I feel I should be in at 5 because I want to get used to working the floor and I want to have enough time.” B didn’t say anything else about my desire at that time. Little did I know that he would come back to me with my statement later, and use it to say I was "telling him what to do."
B was leaving at 11:30 or so as he had a meeting in town.
He said, “We’ll start again tomorrow.” Which I thought was a positive, but I was shaken and upset.
I ended up voicing my concerns with S J again, telling him I was upset with how B was talking to me. I felt that if he was my trainer he should be more supportive and less critical.
I called K S in PEDC; I also called one of my classmates, and D P, my trainer, while I was in W R.
I asked DP to please criticize me and tell me what I did wrong as I am doing something wrong. D reassured me that I had the skills I needed to be an effective supervisor. I voiced to D that I felt like this guy was going to give me a bad evaluation and that it didn’t make a difference what I did. D told me to call K S as she was sure my instincts were correct.
K S called me later. He voiced his concerns about my pre-attitude toward B and also stated that he didn’t want to take me out of M. I agreed that I did voice my concerns to V when I was told of my assignment. But V said that “He is a good trainer.” So I said “OK, I’ll go.” Although I was on guard, I do not feel and I still do not feel that I had a pre disposition toward B.
It was my experience with B this week that has lead me to believe that B, no matter what I do from now on, will always view me in a negative manner. I did say to K at the end of the conversation that B did say when he was leaving “We’ll start again tomorrow.” Which I thought was a positive.
I was upset all evening, but still maintained a good outlook. On Friday. I was hoping to let bygones be bygones. My thoughts were, I was going in early so I would have enough time to be organized and run the floor. I would only ask B questions when he was not instructing me. Maybe things would be better.
Friday
I reported to work, took a count sheet, counted the mail, did scheduling with the help of B and did all the reports and followed all the protocol I had learned in W R. B had never given me a protocol nor did he discuss any mistakes I had made in DOIS or Tacs or anywhere else.
When B saw that I was writing down the mail count from the trucks, he informed me that they don’t use that sheet; they just put it into DOIS.
I explained that I wanted the sheet as a reference.
I found I had made a mistake on one seq set in DOIS even though I had B look over the DCD. I saw the mistake and worked to fix it, finally B came into the office and with his help, I did fix it. I thought every thing was going well. I had Tacs and DOIS complete before 7. I had all the mail counted by the time the carriers came in.
I stood at the cases and said hello to everyone so I could see them and get use to calling them by their names.
I went back into the office and tried to complete all the paper work. In-between, I also tried to go out onto the floor to make sure all was working properly. One letter carrier on the schedule didn’t show up because of some miscommunication between certain parties. S and B discussed by the carrier had not shown up. B said he had talked to the carrier Thursday afternoon. B decided to call back a carrier from NQ. I asked should I call her. B said, “Yes.” I did. I thought things were finally working out ok.
Hours needed to be sold, etc. I asked B if I could do a service talk, but he said, “I have some stuff to talk to them about.” I took that as a “No.” I didn’t dare ask him why or say anything else.
B talked to the carriers. I managed DOIS and Tacs and other functions I could perform. I wrote down the numbers for CSDRS on a buck slip. B came in and printed out the Early/Late Leaving report and did the CSDRS. I watched and asked no questions. He didn’t explain what he was doing. He left the office. I found him on the other side of the building doing my evaluation. T, the late supervisor was there.
I asked should I put in the splits, router time and auth. OT or does the late supervisor do it, and I looked at T. He said, “The morning supervisor does it.” I left and continued working in the office.
Off and on through the day S J asked me how things were. I told him ok. And I thanked him for listening to me and supporting me. I also asked him some questions in regards to the procedures for handling a new scanner that came into the office as B was at the other end of the building filling out my evaluation. S gave me some instructions. I did what he told me to do. And I didn’t think that it was out of line for me to ask the manager the question as B was busy.
Later I told B what I had done and he said to me, “I don’t do it that way. S has his own way of doing it.” This lends me to believe that I had again made the horrid mistake of asking someone how something was done in the office without asking B. I was fearful of the reprimand that he was going to give me.
It was after 12:30 when B came into the supervisors’ office with my evaluation. I was finishing up the OT auth in tacs. He told me I didn’t need to put the times in at the end of the day for the OT auth as I have been previously taught. I didn’t not argue with him or ask him any questions but did as he instructed. Then he gave me my evaluation.
I looked it over and felt myself flush. I am sure my distress was visible. B said something to me, but I didn’t even hear him.
I told him that his evaluation was unfair and I state even stronger that it is truly unfair and non objective.
The facts below support my assessment of my trainer’s opinions of my performance, beyond the fact that there is not one positive remark on the evaluation.
I pointed out the homework. He originally checked off, “completed unsatisfactorily.”
I argued, “I didn’t complete my homework.”
I told B about the homework on Wednesday and he said he didn’t know where to find a 2608. I explained that I had looked for a 2608 in the office, but couldn’t find one. He said he didn’t know where to find one either. I also said that I asked, the manager, S where I might find one. S did not know. I also said to B on Wednesday that I found a step A in the plastic tray and pointed to where it was, but we never went over it. And I said that I knew I could find a 2608 on online but I never downloaded it nor did B discuss the situation again as he was out of the office and I felt too intimidated to mention it.
As I reviewed the homework section I said, “My homework was incomplete, not completed unsatisfactorily.”
B retorted,”Why is that? Whose responsibility is that? “
I knew my homework was incomplete but I didn’t care. I knew that I could work on it later and I wanted a chance to talk to J and K about my situation.
I feel that B deliberately set me up to have a negative on the homework evaluation, because although I mentioned it to him three times, he never gave me any feedback about it.
When I argued with his assessment on my evaluation, B was willing to change it because I said to him, “It maybe not completed, but it was certainly not completed unsatisfactorily.”
I would rather have a not completed on my evaluation then to try to discuss the 2608 with him as have to maintain a subservient position as B’s trainee. I have every intention of completing my homework but I wanted to discuss the situation with my coach first.
As we went over the evaluation, I wanted to say to B that he was unfair about the remarks he made as far as Dois and Tacs were concerned as he never showed me any mistakes I had made in DOIS or Tacs. But I remembered earlier that there was an error on a particular carrier, D G. The error didn’t show up in the daily error report. S just happened to be coming by the office and I said, “This is so weird.” I showed him the clean report from earlier. S agreed. He went into Tacs and took out the changes I made to see what would happen. The weekly report showed the errors but not the daily. I made a note of that. B didn’t say anything to me. I apparently made the mistake again of talking to S when I shouldn’t have. I did not do it deliberately but I think that B, because of his statement on my evaluation and also his implicit instructions before I left on Friday that I was not to speak to anyone else but him, was offended.
The DCD evaluation I thought was fair for the time because I had made two mistakes.
The Safety evaluation was unjust and misleading, as he wrote that I “asked to do an OSHA talk on Tuesday but I had yet to do it” or one.
We argued about this, as I said,” I asked you about this Tuesday and you said “NO’ and today when I asked again, you said, ‘I have some things I want to talk to them about’.”
He replied,” I never told you NO.” B’s behavior and answer was a signal to me that he deliberately did not say ‘no’ for a reason. He also did not say “yes” which I would have liked to say to him but I didn’t because it wasn’t worth arguing about.
B did not mention in the evaluation the positive conversations or actions I displayed toward safety while I was in the station.
After the safety talk discussion the agitation grew.
We argued about me reporting to work at 5 instead of 6. He stated “you are not supposed to work ot.” I replied, “Actually, I was told I could.” I pointed out to him that he never said a word the day before when I said I would rather come in early in order to make sure I had enough time to manage the floor.
I said, “I didn’t care about the time that I would see my coach on my own time, that the money didn’t matter to me.”
B said, “If you get into an accident you will be covered under OWCP and you should be on the clock.”
I replied,”It really doesn’t matter to me.”
B verbally bashed me more by pointing out and manipulating situations that took place. He took this time to point out that I had written the CSDRS information on a buck slip instead of on the back of the Early/Late leaving report. I said to him, “But I didn’t do that report.” And he said to me, “but you did write the information down here, which tells me regardless of what I tell you, you are going to do it your way. You changed the overtime desired list; you took people off because S told you to.”
I said, “I was just doing what I thought I was supposed to do.”
He reprimanded me sternly, “The quarter is coming up and those people are just going to ask to be added to the list again.”
I sat there quietly and was instructed again that "You are not to talk to anyone or ask questions about anything from anybody.”
As B’s trainee, I am not allowed to show any initiative, communicate with anyone else but him, and/or ask questions about anything. As B’s trainee, according to his instructions, I am to “sit and be quiet when he is talking to me or instructing me.” I am “not allowed to ask him any questions until he is through instructing me or talking to me.” I am also “not allowed to ask anyone else any questions about anything.” I am not allowed to freely answer the phone if he is in the office with me. If I say “I’ll get that.” Or “Do you want me to get that?” B’s response is always “No” and he puts his hand over the phone and waits for it to ring one more time before he answers it, which tells me that B dismisses my presence as a viable source in handling any phone communications.
As B’s trainee, in the approximately 24 hours I have spent with him, I have been chastised so many times for my actions that I cannot make a sound or move the only acceptable behavior is to be quiet. B gives mixed and no signals about his expectations, and I honestly feel that no matter what I do, I am doing the wrong thing.
In the end, I told B that I thought “he was overly critical, and that in my opinion, a trainer is supposed to support a candidate not just criticize and chastise.” We had many more words between us during which B said, “That is how you feel, but I didn’t make you feel that way, and also it is a matter of perception. He also retorted to me that, “I didn’t need to hear from you, that you are a 48 year old mother, with 4 kids and a teaching certificate.”
I wanted to reply, you left out the part about “and I have excellent listening skills.” But I didn’t.
I just wanted to leave.
We argued about signing the evaluation, for I didn’t want to sign a copy until I talked to J S. He questioned me on why was that. And I said that,” Joe was my coach and I wanted to see what he had to say.” B pointed out the clause about not agreeing with the assessment, so I did sign a copy for him. B tried to give me a copy for J, but I told him that I had to sign the evaluation first. I took only the original, and left the copy with Brain.
I gave the original to my coach J S.. I signed it with the statement that said that I felt the evaluation was unfair. I do not have a copy for myself. I feel humiliated and ashamed.
It is my opinion that B did and will continue to evaluate me from a negative point of view.
It is my perception, that I annoyed B by asking questions and asking to do tasks that are part of my job. B established the routine of telling me “No” the first time I requested to do any action or task, intimidating me from wanting to ask if I could do anything again.
If I interrupt B while he was instructing me, it was for clarification of what he was doing.
B has given me implicit instructions that I am not to speak to anyone else but him, but B never gave me a tour of the station, nor did he give me the procedures that are followed on the day to day activities in the station.
I learned about how the station works by my own investigation, asking clerks what they do, asking carriers, how do you do this? In my opinion, the inability to ask questions and talk to employees is an impediment in my learning process, because to get to know the employees and my peers in order to be a team player and an effective supervisor need to be able to communicate with them.
Numerous other incidents took place in the short time I spent under B’s guidance that were positive instances of my effectiveness as a supervisor. These incidents also support that I was willing to work with B, but that B chose not to acknowledge these situations in my evaluation or even on a personal note to me.
One, in particular, was when a letter carrier was arrested. I received a phone call from a postal inspector. The other supervisor was out of the office, and S J was in an area managers’ meeting. Although, I knew B was at training, I called him on his cell phone and gave him the information and also asked his advice, “Should I leave the office to investigate it.” He said,” No” and that he would call me back. He called me back as he had the info, that it was a carrier out of R, but hung up with out even saying goodbye after I told him that T had just come back into the office. The next day B never mentioned the incident to me but told the letter carriers in the office about the incident while he gave his ‘service talk.’”
During the hours I spent in M, B my trainer never said one positive remark to me about any supervisory situations or tasks I addressed, communicated or accomplished with customers or employees.
B also only stated half truths on the evaluation.
Before I left, B also informed me that he trained, ”D , L C, J D,, M D, and J F who are very successful at what they do.”
I listened and collected my things to go to my meeting with Joe S.
As I turned to leave I said to B, “I do not want to argue with you.”
B replied, “I do not believe that.”
He said,” I’ll see you at 5:30 on Wednesday.”
I replied, “I guess so.”
B my trainer was off. I worked with the other supervisor, T who is very nice and the manager, S J who is great too. The day went relatively smoothly. I was not responsible to work the floor.
The area manager, J called and apparently said to T that I should be running the floor. T said it aloud.
We laughed, and I said, “They did tell us they wanted us to run the floor when we went to our next station.”
S said, “We’ll give you time to know the place.”
T ran the floor; I help as much as I could. I have a lot to learn. T said they count the sprs here in the dispatch. I don’t know what to thing or do, mixed messages. T was just as unsure, she didn’t even realize that she needed to count the curtailed mail for Dois. She is new too and usually does only the financial.
I’ll ask B when I see him tomorrow. All stations are little different, that I know.
I used the DCD without writing down the numbers for the first time and made a mistake. I knew it but I didn’t know how to fix it, although I tried, the other supervisor didn’t know how to fix it either. It was a relativity ok day. S J. is very supportive
Tuesday
I met B while coming through the door. I hung up my coat and went to find him. He was counting the mail in a hamper. I asked him if they counted sprs, as I had been trained to not count them in W R. He told me that he counted them as flats, 115 pieces. He also said there was a certain amount of letter mail at 1.75 feet per tray. I said that “I was previously taught that there is 2 feet of mail per tray.” He was still moving the mail in the hamper and the clerks were there. He told me specifically, “Where did you learn that?”
I said, “W R.”
He said, “I don’t care what you learn in West Roxbury or anywhere.” Adding “and I don’t want to know who told you what.”
I followed him into the office and explained that I had never used the DCD as in W R they didn’t have one, but I had tried the day before. I also explained about the DCD mistake, I had made the day before. He went through various processes and fixed it. His tone was gruff with me. Again he said to me, “I don’t want to know about W R” And I said,” I guess there are differences in every station.”
He replied brusquely,” NO there are no differences in any stations.”
Then I said,” But I was taught it was 2 feet per tray and you say it is 1. 75 so that is a difference.”
As B sat at the computer I mentioned that there were a “ton” of service talks in the office. He asked,” What do you mean?”
To be more specific I said, “We’ll there are two here a VOE and an OSHA, and also three on the clip board. Can I give one today?”
“No,” he said without any explanation. I was taken back by his response and as I had no reason as to why he wouldn’t let me or want me to do a service talk especially when there were so many to do. I mentioned that J called the day before and said he wanted me to run the floor.
B said, “Yeah” and I shrugged my shoulders. And then I added that “that was what they told us in class.”
B told me sternly to be quiet and listen and added, “I have to grade you on your listening skills and the feedback I am getting from you is that they are not where they should be.
By this time I was upset, and I was defensive as I said, “I am a 48 year old woman, who has 4 kids. I am a certified teacher and I have excellent listening skills.”
I added that, “I didn’t know what his expectations of me were, and that I was fearful of him being my trainer as he had already deep sixed someone in my class.”
He asked me boldly,” Do you think that is what you deserve?” And I said “No I do not’ just as sternly back.
He barked at me to stop talking and to listen to him, leaning his face toward mine, reiterating that he “didn’t want to hear what I had to say. He instructed me to “be quiet and listen. You are still in training and I am your instructor.” I fuddled words,” Are you saying I can’t ask you questions” I was nervous as he was speaking to me as if to put me in my place.
Sternly, he said, “See you are still talking back to me, when I told you to sit and be quiet and listen. What I heard from you was that you are telling me that I don’t know my job.”
I said, “I didn’t say that.”
B reprimanded me again. I sat quietly, in shock from the exchange of words, totally berated and washed out. A little while went by I didn’t say another word, and then about 9 or 9:30 B left as he said to me he had a Drs. Appt.
I was upset, but did what I could on the computer and the workroom floor. B left me no instructions.
I was so upset I called my coach and left a message with my cell phone number.
I also spoke to S J.. He knew I was upset. He listened with understanding.
When I got home I called a classmate and also T Q, my old manager, who gave me advice and support.
Wednesday
I arrived before 5:30 and immediately found B counting the mail. I asked him about the count. I followed him around while he went into the office. He sat at the computer and did the entire computer work. I was pretty quiet. I asked if I could count the mail with the DCD. He said, “Yes” but never gave me any instruction nor did he try to talk to me about using the DCD. I counted the mail and gave the DCD to him to check. He never said a word. About 10 or 15 minutes later he came to me and said I had “missed something on the floor and I was to go and find it.”
I found I had not counted a tub of mail the clerks had dispatched to the carrier since the count, when I told B, I found a foot, he said and what about rte 21, and he took me there and reprimanded me in front of the carrier and then walked away. I was following him as I tried to explain that that mail was not originally there.
B smirked at me.
I said, “I am not making an excuse, but that mail wasn’t there.”
He reprimanded me by saying,” You are saying you are not making excuses but you are. You are responsible for the mail count.”
I agreed, and felt belittled and unfairly criticized as the mail he was referring to was mail that the clerks had place near the cases after I had done the original count.
I had not counted the mail the carriers were to sweep at 7:30 upon their report. I felt disheartened and confused. I had no specific instructions and B’s attitude made me feel insecure as if I was hanging by a thread. Instead of supporting my efforts, and specifying instructions to me, he let me fail to count the mail for the carriers’ first sweep and he emphasized my mistake.
( I had no idea of the procedures for the carriers in this office. I figured it out that they like W R punched in and swept. In N Q where I worked prior, the carriers usually went to their cases and then swept.)
I followed B to the office where he continued to do the computer work.
I looked at the reports and reported to B, just as S J popped into the office, that the street/office scans were low. S gave a service talk about scanning. B did all the computer work. I watched quietly. Later B did some stamp counts and transfers and I watched and asked questions. We did not argue. Later, we talked about next week’s area safety talk and he said “Why, you have never been?”
I said, “No, why would I?”
He said, I could attend the one next week and I said I thought that would be good. I also told him about my conversation with one of the carriers using a broken u cart and the conversation I had with the union steward about the situation of the Ucarts in the unit being a safety hazard. B emailed someone to find out about getting more.
He made no comment good or bad.
He left about 12:30 as he said he had to order stamps. He didn’t ask me any questions or give me any feedback on the day.
The day was someone ok.
Thursday, I arrived at my usual time before 5:30 and started counting the mail, I didn’t see B. I took a count sheet out of the office, as I am new, and I don’t remember the numbers and I want to have a reference for the mail count coming into the office. I counted the mail and B was there. I said hi and followed him into the office where B and I had, what I thought was a productive conversation while he was checking his email and we did check the delivery truck.
It was 7:10 when B said that he hadn’t done the DOIS and TACS and I could do it adding the he “couldn’t actually understand why I wasn’t already doing it.”
I just looked at him, but I wanted to say, “why didn’t you say that earlier?” and also “how could I when you have been on the computer?”
I felt under the gun, but was grateful for the opportunity to perform some supervisory tasks.
I printed out reports; B left the office and went to the other side of the building. I had questions. I felt that if I dare make another mistake B would reprimand me again or give me another sign of his disapproval and make me feel more stupid and incompetent.
At 8:30, S wanted his reports. I felt as if B set me up by not allowing me to do the work earlier, but I did have it complete except for one transaction in Tacs.
An aside: B stated in my evaluation that I had made some mistakes in DOIS. If this is true, he never pointed them out to me. It is true that I made two mistakes on the mail count entries into DOIS, but I identified these mistakes immediately and worked to correct them. He never pointed out any mistake I made without me recognizing them first.
I could not get into CSDRS.
I informed B that he would have to do the CSDRS as I had no access. He came into the office and started writing out numbers from reports and I started to ask him questions about why he needed those numbers. He said some for the DPS. I said that I had done that report and I pointed it out to him. He was visibly annoyed with me for pointing out the report. He didn’t say that I did it correctly or incorrectly. I asked him “why?” again about the more numbers he was putting on the back of the Early/Late leaving report and I asked him why he didn’t use the CSDRS delivery helper report. He moved toward my face and sternly told me “When I am instructing you, you are to be quiet and listen. Do not ask me any questions or interrupt until I am through. I was upset, the phone rang, I said, ”Do you want me to get that. He said, “No.” and covered the phone with his hand.
(He did this numerous times when I asked should I get the phone or said “I’ll get it”}
B answered the phone and was talking with a customer. I had a customer request from My PO that I had printed out earlier and I didn’t want to miss the truck driver so I went to take care of the parcel while Brian was on the phone. I left the office to try to find the parcel. The parcel rack is only 10 -15 feet from the office door at most. I labeled the parcel and as I was walking back into the office B called me.
Back in the office, he reprimanded me for leaving while we were doing the report, even though he was on the phone. I said that I was trying to get something else done. He said that I shouldn’t have left because the CSDRS report was due at 10:30 and it didn’t make a difference if he was on the phone. I said, “But I can’t do the report.” B looked at me and told me to sit down and be quiet while he instructed me, he picked out my ASP evaluation from the file rack and read aloud the section on oral communication and pointed out the listening sections. He said to me, as he held the paper in his hand and repeatedly pointed his finger upon the paper, “Look, I have to give you a grade from 0 -4 and I’m telling you, you are not going to make it. I have spoken to K S about you …” at this moment S J was at the door.
I am sure I looked at S, and B, in some horrid way. I felt threatened. The phone rang; it was my coach Joe S. on the phone. I felt as if the phone call was an act of God, the higher power intervened.
I was rescued by my coach. He saved me from another round of B’s whims and moods. He saved me from more reprimanding, belittlement, confrontation, antagonism, and out and out disregard for me as a person.
I was so upset. that as I spoke to J, I could barely talk. We agreed to meet at 1:30 on Friday.
B and I never finished the “discussion” that he began by pointing out to me that I was not going to make it.
Later, just before he left, B said, “Why don’t come in at 6 tomorrow because you will have that meeting?”
I said that, “I feel I should be in at 5 because I want to get used to working the floor and I want to have enough time.” B didn’t say anything else about my desire at that time. Little did I know that he would come back to me with my statement later, and use it to say I was "telling him what to do."
B was leaving at 11:30 or so as he had a meeting in town.
He said, “We’ll start again tomorrow.” Which I thought was a positive, but I was shaken and upset.
I ended up voicing my concerns with S J again, telling him I was upset with how B was talking to me. I felt that if he was my trainer he should be more supportive and less critical.
I called K S in PEDC; I also called one of my classmates, and D P, my trainer, while I was in W R.
I asked DP to please criticize me and tell me what I did wrong as I am doing something wrong. D reassured me that I had the skills I needed to be an effective supervisor. I voiced to D that I felt like this guy was going to give me a bad evaluation and that it didn’t make a difference what I did. D told me to call K S as she was sure my instincts were correct.
K S called me later. He voiced his concerns about my pre-attitude toward B and also stated that he didn’t want to take me out of M. I agreed that I did voice my concerns to V when I was told of my assignment. But V said that “He is a good trainer.” So I said “OK, I’ll go.” Although I was on guard, I do not feel and I still do not feel that I had a pre disposition toward B.
It was my experience with B this week that has lead me to believe that B, no matter what I do from now on, will always view me in a negative manner. I did say to K at the end of the conversation that B did say when he was leaving “We’ll start again tomorrow.” Which I thought was a positive.
I was upset all evening, but still maintained a good outlook. On Friday. I was hoping to let bygones be bygones. My thoughts were, I was going in early so I would have enough time to be organized and run the floor. I would only ask B questions when he was not instructing me. Maybe things would be better.
Friday
I reported to work, took a count sheet, counted the mail, did scheduling with the help of B and did all the reports and followed all the protocol I had learned in W R. B had never given me a protocol nor did he discuss any mistakes I had made in DOIS or Tacs or anywhere else.
When B saw that I was writing down the mail count from the trucks, he informed me that they don’t use that sheet; they just put it into DOIS.
I explained that I wanted the sheet as a reference.
I found I had made a mistake on one seq set in DOIS even though I had B look over the DCD. I saw the mistake and worked to fix it, finally B came into the office and with his help, I did fix it. I thought every thing was going well. I had Tacs and DOIS complete before 7. I had all the mail counted by the time the carriers came in.
I stood at the cases and said hello to everyone so I could see them and get use to calling them by their names.
I went back into the office and tried to complete all the paper work. In-between, I also tried to go out onto the floor to make sure all was working properly. One letter carrier on the schedule didn’t show up because of some miscommunication between certain parties. S and B discussed by the carrier had not shown up. B said he had talked to the carrier Thursday afternoon. B decided to call back a carrier from NQ. I asked should I call her. B said, “Yes.” I did. I thought things were finally working out ok.
Hours needed to be sold, etc. I asked B if I could do a service talk, but he said, “I have some stuff to talk to them about.” I took that as a “No.” I didn’t dare ask him why or say anything else.
B talked to the carriers. I managed DOIS and Tacs and other functions I could perform. I wrote down the numbers for CSDRS on a buck slip. B came in and printed out the Early/Late Leaving report and did the CSDRS. I watched and asked no questions. He didn’t explain what he was doing. He left the office. I found him on the other side of the building doing my evaluation. T, the late supervisor was there.
I asked should I put in the splits, router time and auth. OT or does the late supervisor do it, and I looked at T. He said, “The morning supervisor does it.” I left and continued working in the office.
Off and on through the day S J asked me how things were. I told him ok. And I thanked him for listening to me and supporting me. I also asked him some questions in regards to the procedures for handling a new scanner that came into the office as B was at the other end of the building filling out my evaluation. S gave me some instructions. I did what he told me to do. And I didn’t think that it was out of line for me to ask the manager the question as B was busy.
Later I told B what I had done and he said to me, “I don’t do it that way. S has his own way of doing it.” This lends me to believe that I had again made the horrid mistake of asking someone how something was done in the office without asking B. I was fearful of the reprimand that he was going to give me.
It was after 12:30 when B came into the supervisors’ office with my evaluation. I was finishing up the OT auth in tacs. He told me I didn’t need to put the times in at the end of the day for the OT auth as I have been previously taught. I didn’t not argue with him or ask him any questions but did as he instructed. Then he gave me my evaluation.
I looked it over and felt myself flush. I am sure my distress was visible. B said something to me, but I didn’t even hear him.
I told him that his evaluation was unfair and I state even stronger that it is truly unfair and non objective.
The facts below support my assessment of my trainer’s opinions of my performance, beyond the fact that there is not one positive remark on the evaluation.
I pointed out the homework. He originally checked off, “completed unsatisfactorily.”
I argued, “I didn’t complete my homework.”
I told B about the homework on Wednesday and he said he didn’t know where to find a 2608. I explained that I had looked for a 2608 in the office, but couldn’t find one. He said he didn’t know where to find one either. I also said that I asked, the manager, S where I might find one. S did not know. I also said to B on Wednesday that I found a step A in the plastic tray and pointed to where it was, but we never went over it. And I said that I knew I could find a 2608 on online but I never downloaded it nor did B discuss the situation again as he was out of the office and I felt too intimidated to mention it.
As I reviewed the homework section I said, “My homework was incomplete, not completed unsatisfactorily.”
B retorted,”Why is that? Whose responsibility is that? “
I knew my homework was incomplete but I didn’t care. I knew that I could work on it later and I wanted a chance to talk to J and K about my situation.
I feel that B deliberately set me up to have a negative on the homework evaluation, because although I mentioned it to him three times, he never gave me any feedback about it.
When I argued with his assessment on my evaluation, B was willing to change it because I said to him, “It maybe not completed, but it was certainly not completed unsatisfactorily.”
I would rather have a not completed on my evaluation then to try to discuss the 2608 with him as have to maintain a subservient position as B’s trainee. I have every intention of completing my homework but I wanted to discuss the situation with my coach first.
As we went over the evaluation, I wanted to say to B that he was unfair about the remarks he made as far as Dois and Tacs were concerned as he never showed me any mistakes I had made in DOIS or Tacs. But I remembered earlier that there was an error on a particular carrier, D G. The error didn’t show up in the daily error report. S just happened to be coming by the office and I said, “This is so weird.” I showed him the clean report from earlier. S agreed. He went into Tacs and took out the changes I made to see what would happen. The weekly report showed the errors but not the daily. I made a note of that. B didn’t say anything to me. I apparently made the mistake again of talking to S when I shouldn’t have. I did not do it deliberately but I think that B, because of his statement on my evaluation and also his implicit instructions before I left on Friday that I was not to speak to anyone else but him, was offended.
The DCD evaluation I thought was fair for the time because I had made two mistakes.
The Safety evaluation was unjust and misleading, as he wrote that I “asked to do an OSHA talk on Tuesday but I had yet to do it” or one.
We argued about this, as I said,” I asked you about this Tuesday and you said “NO’ and today when I asked again, you said, ‘I have some things I want to talk to them about’.”
He replied,” I never told you NO.” B’s behavior and answer was a signal to me that he deliberately did not say ‘no’ for a reason. He also did not say “yes” which I would have liked to say to him but I didn’t because it wasn’t worth arguing about.
B did not mention in the evaluation the positive conversations or actions I displayed toward safety while I was in the station.
After the safety talk discussion the agitation grew.
We argued about me reporting to work at 5 instead of 6. He stated “you are not supposed to work ot.” I replied, “Actually, I was told I could.” I pointed out to him that he never said a word the day before when I said I would rather come in early in order to make sure I had enough time to manage the floor.
I said, “I didn’t care about the time that I would see my coach on my own time, that the money didn’t matter to me.”
B said, “If you get into an accident you will be covered under OWCP and you should be on the clock.”
I replied,”It really doesn’t matter to me.”
B verbally bashed me more by pointing out and manipulating situations that took place. He took this time to point out that I had written the CSDRS information on a buck slip instead of on the back of the Early/Late leaving report. I said to him, “But I didn’t do that report.” And he said to me, “but you did write the information down here, which tells me regardless of what I tell you, you are going to do it your way. You changed the overtime desired list; you took people off because S told you to.”
I said, “I was just doing what I thought I was supposed to do.”
He reprimanded me sternly, “The quarter is coming up and those people are just going to ask to be added to the list again.”
I sat there quietly and was instructed again that "You are not to talk to anyone or ask questions about anything from anybody.”
As B’s trainee, I am not allowed to show any initiative, communicate with anyone else but him, and/or ask questions about anything. As B’s trainee, according to his instructions, I am to “sit and be quiet when he is talking to me or instructing me.” I am “not allowed to ask him any questions until he is through instructing me or talking to me.” I am also “not allowed to ask anyone else any questions about anything.” I am not allowed to freely answer the phone if he is in the office with me. If I say “I’ll get that.” Or “Do you want me to get that?” B’s response is always “No” and he puts his hand over the phone and waits for it to ring one more time before he answers it, which tells me that B dismisses my presence as a viable source in handling any phone communications.
As B’s trainee, in the approximately 24 hours I have spent with him, I have been chastised so many times for my actions that I cannot make a sound or move the only acceptable behavior is to be quiet. B gives mixed and no signals about his expectations, and I honestly feel that no matter what I do, I am doing the wrong thing.
In the end, I told B that I thought “he was overly critical, and that in my opinion, a trainer is supposed to support a candidate not just criticize and chastise.” We had many more words between us during which B said, “That is how you feel, but I didn’t make you feel that way, and also it is a matter of perception. He also retorted to me that, “I didn’t need to hear from you, that you are a 48 year old mother, with 4 kids and a teaching certificate.”
I wanted to reply, you left out the part about “and I have excellent listening skills.” But I didn’t.
I just wanted to leave.
We argued about signing the evaluation, for I didn’t want to sign a copy until I talked to J S. He questioned me on why was that. And I said that,” Joe was my coach and I wanted to see what he had to say.” B pointed out the clause about not agreeing with the assessment, so I did sign a copy for him. B tried to give me a copy for J, but I told him that I had to sign the evaluation first. I took only the original, and left the copy with Brain.
I gave the original to my coach J S.. I signed it with the statement that said that I felt the evaluation was unfair. I do not have a copy for myself. I feel humiliated and ashamed.
It is my opinion that B did and will continue to evaluate me from a negative point of view.
It is my perception, that I annoyed B by asking questions and asking to do tasks that are part of my job. B established the routine of telling me “No” the first time I requested to do any action or task, intimidating me from wanting to ask if I could do anything again.
If I interrupt B while he was instructing me, it was for clarification of what he was doing.
B has given me implicit instructions that I am not to speak to anyone else but him, but B never gave me a tour of the station, nor did he give me the procedures that are followed on the day to day activities in the station.
I learned about how the station works by my own investigation, asking clerks what they do, asking carriers, how do you do this? In my opinion, the inability to ask questions and talk to employees is an impediment in my learning process, because to get to know the employees and my peers in order to be a team player and an effective supervisor need to be able to communicate with them.
Numerous other incidents took place in the short time I spent under B’s guidance that were positive instances of my effectiveness as a supervisor. These incidents also support that I was willing to work with B, but that B chose not to acknowledge these situations in my evaluation or even on a personal note to me.
One, in particular, was when a letter carrier was arrested. I received a phone call from a postal inspector. The other supervisor was out of the office, and S J was in an area managers’ meeting. Although, I knew B was at training, I called him on his cell phone and gave him the information and also asked his advice, “Should I leave the office to investigate it.” He said,” No” and that he would call me back. He called me back as he had the info, that it was a carrier out of R, but hung up with out even saying goodbye after I told him that T had just come back into the office. The next day B never mentioned the incident to me but told the letter carriers in the office about the incident while he gave his ‘service talk.’”
During the hours I spent in M, B my trainer never said one positive remark to me about any supervisory situations or tasks I addressed, communicated or accomplished with customers or employees.
B also only stated half truths on the evaluation.
Before I left, B also informed me that he trained, ”D , L C, J D,, M D, and J F who are very successful at what they do.”
I listened and collected my things to go to my meeting with Joe S.
As I turned to leave I said to B, “I do not want to argue with you.”
B replied, “I do not believe that.”
He said,” I’ll see you at 5:30 on Wednesday.”
I replied, “I guess so.”
Thursday, March 09, 2006
1 am
awake, used to getting up at 3...no i am awake at 1 after only a few hours of sleep...i was so exhausted
the news that i passed my test came late, almost 5 days, such stress...
2 more people from the class are gone.
31 down to 22, nearly a third.
someone said, will they question who was picked?
some said, they system isnt fair
some said, as I have said, it is unnerving to go day to day and not have a clue where you will end up ... it is like military training, do as you are told to do, question only what you are allowed to question.
I keep focused, it is what I have to do. Tomorrow I should find out my new assignment.... if it is a later day I might be able to take the T. It is much healthier to travel by T. keeps your alert. This Sunday is the Sopranos, finally. I think they have something subliminal in there show otherwise why am I so addicted
the news that i passed my test came late, almost 5 days, such stress...
2 more people from the class are gone.
31 down to 22, nearly a third.
someone said, will they question who was picked?
some said, they system isnt fair
some said, as I have said, it is unnerving to go day to day and not have a clue where you will end up ... it is like military training, do as you are told to do, question only what you are allowed to question.
I keep focused, it is what I have to do. Tomorrow I should find out my new assignment.... if it is a later day I might be able to take the T. It is much healthier to travel by T. keeps your alert. This Sunday is the Sopranos, finally. I think they have something subliminal in there show otherwise why am I so addicted
Sunday, March 05, 2006
looking back
house reorg
consolidate three rooms of stuff...
movies books writing
school day treasures photos
sympathy cards how long do you save them
more writing
by my daughter, myself,
drawings by my son, letter upon letters
when do i stop and chuck it all away
some writing, books of knowledge bought for college
sent out to the curb maybe someone will pick them up
outdate 1995 1997 has it been that long since ive taken up
the gauntlet and said, no more stuff
will 10 years from now be a deja vu of today
and yesterday and the years prior
i feel sad going over my stored away life
i would live it again
the
memories are moist cake baked fresh
everyday tasted with good
coffee, tea, milk, and honey
and a salad bar prepared not able to save.
consolidate three rooms of stuff...
movies books writing
school day treasures photos
sympathy cards how long do you save them
more writing
by my daughter, myself,
drawings by my son, letter upon letters
when do i stop and chuck it all away
some writing, books of knowledge bought for college
sent out to the curb maybe someone will pick them up
outdate 1995 1997 has it been that long since ive taken up
the gauntlet and said, no more stuff
will 10 years from now be a deja vu of today
and yesterday and the years prior
i feel sad going over my stored away life
i would live it again
the
memories are moist cake baked fresh
everyday tasted with good
coffee, tea, milk, and honey
and a salad bar prepared not able to save.
Friday, March 03, 2006
getting over myself
exhaustion ... i was exhausted and slept for nearly 4 hours
tension, stress, relief --
talk talk talk
blathering on and on about things i cannot change
my husband is a patient man
he gives great shoulder rubs
and has more faith in me than anyone
not withstanding my Mother and my Lil Sister who are wonderful
supporters of me too. thanks Mom and Jo
i am thankful for my Husband though
for when I am suffering some internal crisis He knows how
to handle me, and when suffering something so internal, so mental, that it
hits me physically----
He knows when to take me for a ride
and when to hold me tight
He knows when I need him more than I do.
He likes the independent me, but loves it when
I say "what would I do without you" he knows i would survive
without him, but I dont ever want to have to---
i hate that he smokes
he should quit
i sadly admit that i wonder if it is too late
his mother died at 65, his uncle too,
lung cancer they smoked
they say lung cancer starts small--
when detectable ...sometimes too late
my chest is crushed
i hate cigarettes
my son has been wearing my favorite long overcoat outside to smoke
"Hey, You are wearing my coat, and making me smell like cigarettes."
Him: Does it really smell?
"Yes,you owe me a coat.
If i wanted to smell like cigarettes I would smoke, but I dont"
It will be a long wait ...I think I'll take the coat to the cleaners tomorrow.
I suppose I need to make my husband happy and do our taxes.
I just dont want to ---
Oh well off I go
tension, stress, relief --
talk talk talk
blathering on and on about things i cannot change
my husband is a patient man
he gives great shoulder rubs
and has more faith in me than anyone
not withstanding my Mother and my Lil Sister who are wonderful
supporters of me too. thanks Mom and Jo
i am thankful for my Husband though
for when I am suffering some internal crisis He knows how
to handle me, and when suffering something so internal, so mental, that it
hits me physically----
He knows when to take me for a ride
and when to hold me tight
He knows when I need him more than I do.
He likes the independent me, but loves it when
I say "what would I do without you" he knows i would survive
without him, but I dont ever want to have to---
i hate that he smokes
he should quit
i sadly admit that i wonder if it is too late
his mother died at 65, his uncle too,
lung cancer they smoked
they say lung cancer starts small--
when detectable ...sometimes too late
my chest is crushed
i hate cigarettes
my son has been wearing my favorite long overcoat outside to smoke
"Hey, You are wearing my coat, and making me smell like cigarettes."
Him: Does it really smell?
"Yes,you owe me a coat.
If i wanted to smell like cigarettes I would smoke, but I dont"
It will be a long wait ...I think I'll take the coat to the cleaners tomorrow.
I suppose I need to make my husband happy and do our taxes.
I just dont want to ---
Oh well off I go
tears
for what reason (s) am i crying today?
test stress maybe
God I hope I passed, it doesnt feel good though!
life stress maybe
lack of support no from some yes from others
the unbearable truth that i am a perfectionist and want to get
everything right but that 100% factor is not always possible no matter how much i study
wishing that this program was over and i could stop being under the gun
knowing some classmates failed and i didnt realize it was happening but i would have liked to try to help ---- perhaps they could have used some support earlier
knowing our elected class president has become a self obsessed asshole ---this really sucks
worrying about my daughters
worrying about my sons
worrying about my husband
wanting to just lay down and cry ...
so what does this translate into
tears
inside i am ripped up
broken split into piece of pie
fear is the card face up face down spinning around
sliced
test stress maybe
God I hope I passed, it doesnt feel good though!
life stress maybe
lack of support no from some yes from others
the unbearable truth that i am a perfectionist and want to get
everything right but that 100% factor is not always possible no matter how much i study
wishing that this program was over and i could stop being under the gun
knowing some classmates failed and i didnt realize it was happening but i would have liked to try to help ---- perhaps they could have used some support earlier
knowing our elected class president has become a self obsessed asshole ---this really sucks
worrying about my daughters
worrying about my sons
worrying about my husband
wanting to just lay down and cry ...
so what does this translate into
tears
inside i am ripped up
broken split into piece of pie
fear is the card face up face down spinning around
sliced
Thursday, March 02, 2006
Wednesday, March 01, 2006
lots to say
i have in my thoughts many lots to write out,
but lately i never seems to get to them. these lots of thoughts
are still there though....
and this morning i dont have the time to write them out either...arghhhh
Friday is my last test, have to study, but I did get to watch Walk the Line with my husband. The first movie we have gotten to watch together in weeks. It was wonderful!
Some times people say stuff without realizing what they are saying. Sometimes I can give it back very implicitly.... and actually be a bitch ...like yesterday a class mate make fun of me talking to my mom on my cell at lunch...
Later he said, On the phone with Mom in Arizona. .... and I said... "My Mom is watching my sister's kids while she is in Houston.
Oh your Mother is in Arizona, your sister is in Houston, and they are warm while we are freezing and I just got mad, and I said, My sister is in Houston because she has cancer. He was as silent as a rock.
et ate granite that is why she has rocks in her head.
Sometimes people dont mean to hit nerves and they do.
but lately i never seems to get to them. these lots of thoughts
are still there though....
and this morning i dont have the time to write them out either...arghhhh
Friday is my last test, have to study, but I did get to watch Walk the Line with my husband. The first movie we have gotten to watch together in weeks. It was wonderful!
Some times people say stuff without realizing what they are saying. Sometimes I can give it back very implicitly.... and actually be a bitch ...like yesterday a class mate make fun of me talking to my mom on my cell at lunch...
Later he said, On the phone with Mom in Arizona. .... and I said... "My Mom is watching my sister's kids while she is in Houston.
Oh your Mother is in Arizona, your sister is in Houston, and they are warm while we are freezing and I just got mad, and I said, My sister is in Houston because she has cancer. He was as silent as a rock.
et ate granite that is why she has rocks in her head.
Sometimes people dont mean to hit nerves and they do.
Sunday, February 26, 2006
all mixed up
it's 3 am and i am awake, my clock is all mixed up, it doesnt know when to turn or churn or just be still....
this week will be very stressful, my final three days in westie, i cant wait to leave that place, the employees run the show and it is not my style....
God only knows where they will send me next
S is talking about selling her condo and getting an apartment close to her job,
M starts his job tomorrow
D goes back to school Monday
and R and H are doing ok, even if they drive me nuts.
H complains about her sister in law, but she is just as bad, no mention about getting a job... I dont get it...Dont complain unless you have a solution, that is the motto
The christening went well except for the fact that one of my cameras was left in my daughter's locker at school...and the other...put some place by H and not retrieved for the day.
that irks me.
I am obviously cranky, however i did iron enough of F's shirts to last over the week and meditated on the week coming up...
work, class, work, work, test... the last test of this course and the half way mark! God give me strength. This would be alot easier without the worries of family.
no it wasnt a complaint merely a statement.
WS said..."when this is done they should give us all a vacation" I completely agree.
well i best try to get back to bed, and plan out my study time. I really do not like crunching it all at the last minute. oh how my brain is dead.
oh how my brain is dead
words come to mind, but not said
words float by but i cant pick them up
or out,
a buttercup sauce without the stuff
that is my brain
mush mush!
this week will be very stressful, my final three days in westie, i cant wait to leave that place, the employees run the show and it is not my style....
God only knows where they will send me next
S is talking about selling her condo and getting an apartment close to her job,
M starts his job tomorrow
D goes back to school Monday
and R and H are doing ok, even if they drive me nuts.
H complains about her sister in law, but she is just as bad, no mention about getting a job... I dont get it...Dont complain unless you have a solution, that is the motto
The christening went well except for the fact that one of my cameras was left in my daughter's locker at school...and the other...put some place by H and not retrieved for the day.
that irks me.
I am obviously cranky, however i did iron enough of F's shirts to last over the week and meditated on the week coming up...
work, class, work, work, test... the last test of this course and the half way mark! God give me strength. This would be alot easier without the worries of family.
no it wasnt a complaint merely a statement.
WS said..."when this is done they should give us all a vacation" I completely agree.
well i best try to get back to bed, and plan out my study time. I really do not like crunching it all at the last minute. oh how my brain is dead.
oh how my brain is dead
words come to mind, but not said
words float by but i cant pick them up
or out,
a buttercup sauce without the stuff
that is my brain
mush mush!
Friday, February 03, 2006
the Questions Mothers Ask
My mom called the other day, "What are you doing for your anniversary?"
"I don't know yet," I replied. "It would be great for F and I do just have a vacation for ourselves."
We haven't had a for ourselves vacation in 14 years! Wow has it been that long?
Anyway, in September we will be married for 30 years. It doesn't seem like it has been that long. And I actually don't know where the time has gone. We have accomplished many things in these 30 years, but what is the most amazing is the fact that we get along really well.
I was talking with a classmate of mine. She is the same age as my oldest daughter. Marriage is tough when you're in your twenties...so much want, and not wanting to miss anything, and children, they dont make it easier. It takes five years to learn to live with someone, but you weather in time, or so I think. Less expectation, more realization. More and different love, respect is number one.
So my mom asked. And so now I , we are thinking. But I just want to get through the next 12 weeks, and then I'll really think about it.
"I don't know yet," I replied. "It would be great for F and I do just have a vacation for ourselves."
We haven't had a for ourselves vacation in 14 years! Wow has it been that long?
Anyway, in September we will be married for 30 years. It doesn't seem like it has been that long. And I actually don't know where the time has gone. We have accomplished many things in these 30 years, but what is the most amazing is the fact that we get along really well.
I was talking with a classmate of mine. She is the same age as my oldest daughter. Marriage is tough when you're in your twenties...so much want, and not wanting to miss anything, and children, they dont make it easier. It takes five years to learn to live with someone, but you weather in time, or so I think. Less expectation, more realization. More and different love, respect is number one.
So my mom asked. And so now I , we are thinking. But I just want to get through the next 12 weeks, and then I'll really think about it.
Sunday, January 29, 2006
housewifery
As I sit in my kitchen, taking the first sips of my coffee that was brewed three hours ago, I spy two brooms and one mop, and I remember my second mop is in the bucket in the hallway waiting to be either groomed, or put to another task and I laugh.
I have four brooms and three mops, each has a task, one broom is for the outside steps and deck, sidewalk, and driveway, one broom is for the cellar, one broom is for the porch, and one broom is for the kitchen, hallway and other areas strictly indoors and upstairs. One mop is for the kitchen, one mop is for the deck, and the third mop is for the bathrooms. Each broom and mop is a different size,weight, color, and head. Straw, plastic, woven, textured.red, yellow, blue, black, and oh I forgot to mention that I do have a Swiffer for I have a pet, and also a vacumn cleaner. Clean floors? I'm working on that.
I have four brooms and three mops, each has a task, one broom is for the outside steps and deck, sidewalk, and driveway, one broom is for the cellar, one broom is for the porch, and one broom is for the kitchen, hallway and other areas strictly indoors and upstairs. One mop is for the kitchen, one mop is for the deck, and the third mop is for the bathrooms. Each broom and mop is a different size,weight, color, and head. Straw, plastic, woven, textured.red, yellow, blue, black, and oh I forgot to mention that I do have a Swiffer for I have a pet, and also a vacumn cleaner. Clean floors? I'm working on that.
Wednesday, January 25, 2006
kids grow up
sometimes the things you want come along, and then, poof they are gone just in that moment of the coming and going
why do young people leave home and get their own apartments, houses, etc?
because they want to make their own rules.
It is a man's right to do what he does in his own home, one that he has worked for and paid for his entire life.
Smoking is bad in today's society. The pressure on smokers is enough for them to say, I'll never quit just because you hate it so much.
I am tired of my daughter in law complaining about my husband. He is mine regardless of how unpolished he can be at times. I think I will make my list of complaints about her.
She leaves cups, baby bottles, and dirty baby clothes where ever.
She always is complaining about something.
She slams doors.
She fights with my son everyday about stupid things.
She thinks that just because she lives in this house she should have a say on who does what.
On the positive side, since living here
I can count on my five fingers the number of times she has cleaned anything.
I can count on less than five fingers the number of times she has done laundry.
I can count the numerous times that she sat in the back room smoking cigarette, after cigarette when she first came to live here.
I better stop now before I continue my bad thoughts.
This girl of 25 needs to do some growing up. IF you dont like it go live someplace else.
You'd rather have me and my baby go to a shelter.
GO! I am so tired of hearing doors slam and stomping feet everyday. Even my own children out grew that by the time they were 10 grown up you spoiled brat
why do young people leave home and get their own apartments, houses, etc?
because they want to make their own rules.
It is a man's right to do what he does in his own home, one that he has worked for and paid for his entire life.
Smoking is bad in today's society. The pressure on smokers is enough for them to say, I'll never quit just because you hate it so much.
I am tired of my daughter in law complaining about my husband. He is mine regardless of how unpolished he can be at times. I think I will make my list of complaints about her.
She leaves cups, baby bottles, and dirty baby clothes where ever.
She always is complaining about something.
She slams doors.
She fights with my son everyday about stupid things.
She thinks that just because she lives in this house she should have a say on who does what.
On the positive side, since living here
I can count on my five fingers the number of times she has cleaned anything.
I can count on less than five fingers the number of times she has done laundry.
I can count the numerous times that she sat in the back room smoking cigarette, after cigarette when she first came to live here.
I better stop now before I continue my bad thoughts.
This girl of 25 needs to do some growing up. IF you dont like it go live someplace else.
You'd rather have me and my baby go to a shelter.
GO! I am so tired of hearing doors slam and stomping feet everyday. Even my own children out grew that by the time they were 10 grown up you spoiled brat
Sunday, January 15, 2006
same ole questions
i love the rain, warm rain in winter feels likes the spring
reminds me of flowers and budding trees yet it is not spring but
still winter and today all is frosted
i too am frosted, tired from driving around for 7 hours doing necessary things.... oh really
Hermes the chinchilla to the vet --- dehydration - bring back in 6 days ...it is only an hour drive to the vet .... it is always the same old question, people or proximity
i used to choose proximity, now i am beginning to thing about people, how many people, such as how long will the wait be at the vets, there was no wait, but there was an hour long drive, and an hour spent lost in the backroads of southeast massachusetts where I literally pulled over at one point and cried out to my daughter, "i fear we will never find a highway again" .... I dont think she took me seriously for one moment during this torture except when I criticized her and told her she was useless as the map from mapquest, little did I know that the street map, my son who drives quite a bit uses, was right behind her seat, what an idiot I am sometimes!!! How much does a navigation system cost anyway?
I did manage to escape from the woods to do some food shopping, get 7 new blinds, I am in the process of replacing all the blinds, well not all but ... a few... and clothes shopping for the spoiled younger daughter who needed a new outfit for today and the next day too. Geesh, what ever happened to my promise of "no"
anyway I dont miss my old job, or my old boss at the non profit. adios amigo. and i could complain about her rude ness but i am just going to let it go.
then there is "the program" --- I actually like it! I am in school with an old friend, and some new ones. Of course there is controversy! The first test was not overwhelmingly hard, but yes, it was still stressful. I hate taking tests!!! One woman left the test and then when back in.... I wonder what is going to come of that little walkoff... There are many students up in arms about it. I know the woman, if she is thrown out of the program, she will flip out. I dont know what is going to happen with that....
Well, i am really avoided the ole question of how I am going to just accept that the boys couldnt pull it together in Denver, but I love them anyway! NEW ENGLAND PATRIOTS Keep the Faith -- We love you Next Year will be here soon enough! And I for One will be ready for some Football yeee haahh
but this year is not over yet ---
I wonder if Indy will win? humm Im looking at those Seahawks
reminds me of flowers and budding trees yet it is not spring but
still winter and today all is frosted
i too am frosted, tired from driving around for 7 hours doing necessary things.... oh really
Hermes the chinchilla to the vet --- dehydration - bring back in 6 days ...it is only an hour drive to the vet .... it is always the same old question, people or proximity
i used to choose proximity, now i am beginning to thing about people, how many people, such as how long will the wait be at the vets, there was no wait, but there was an hour long drive, and an hour spent lost in the backroads of southeast massachusetts where I literally pulled over at one point and cried out to my daughter, "i fear we will never find a highway again" .... I dont think she took me seriously for one moment during this torture except when I criticized her and told her she was useless as the map from mapquest, little did I know that the street map, my son who drives quite a bit uses, was right behind her seat, what an idiot I am sometimes!!! How much does a navigation system cost anyway?
I did manage to escape from the woods to do some food shopping, get 7 new blinds, I am in the process of replacing all the blinds, well not all but ... a few... and clothes shopping for the spoiled younger daughter who needed a new outfit for today and the next day too. Geesh, what ever happened to my promise of "no"
anyway I dont miss my old job, or my old boss at the non profit. adios amigo. and i could complain about her rude ness but i am just going to let it go.
then there is "the program" --- I actually like it! I am in school with an old friend, and some new ones. Of course there is controversy! The first test was not overwhelmingly hard, but yes, it was still stressful. I hate taking tests!!! One woman left the test and then when back in.... I wonder what is going to come of that little walkoff... There are many students up in arms about it. I know the woman, if she is thrown out of the program, she will flip out. I dont know what is going to happen with that....
Well, i am really avoided the ole question of how I am going to just accept that the boys couldnt pull it together in Denver, but I love them anyway! NEW ENGLAND PATRIOTS Keep the Faith -- We love you Next Year will be here soon enough! And I for One will be ready for some Football yeee haahh
but this year is not over yet ---
I wonder if Indy will win? humm Im looking at those Seahawks
Friday, January 06, 2006
morning not my own
i used to own my morning time -- send children off to school, then i went to school myself, while husband slept the day away for he worked that horrid 11 -7 shift. he wouldnt sleep if i was here and he didnt sleep when i wasnt here either, but school made my days less stressful in many ways, I did what i had to do in the house, lived a very programmed life, and maintained it all somehow. Monday. I will start 'school' again, but a different kind of school, a training program that will last for 4 months, everyone's needs are just going to have to be met before or after my hours. how will this work? I honestly am just going to put my foot down, two feet down, no no no, no i will not baby sit in the am before work, no i will not drive you here or there, no you cannot have my car, no i will not drop this off, no i will not stop and get this and that or that either. NO. I will take this word to heart. All good parents need to learn to tell their children NO from the start or else they become spoiled brats. Like mine> ? Yeah they are.
Wednesday, January 04, 2006
tears ---- just leave me alone
self pity, self possessed self pity.... i suffer from them both at this moment.
my son is going to get his license and leave ...go to Tennessee because he can skate year round there and there is a job waiting for him, and he just needs to go he says
i said to my husband ...well now is the time for him to go, he has no responsibilities, and he needs to grow up, so maybe he is the type that needs to do so on his own. if we tell him, no stay, he can go anyway, or he may resent us: you made me stay, you wouldnt let me go, so now is the time. I agree... regardless of the less than perfect circumstances.... "at least he isnt saying he is going to join the service." i said.
hubby said, "i'd feel better if he said he was."
too horrified, i have taken my tears into my office. never over my dead body i would say. but i know he needs to choose his own path. i really dont want him to go so far away, but... i will let go if i need to and just pray. i will rejoice in his willingness to be free from parents, family and what ever else holds him here.
my son is going to get his license and leave ...go to Tennessee because he can skate year round there and there is a job waiting for him, and he just needs to go he says
i said to my husband ...well now is the time for him to go, he has no responsibilities, and he needs to grow up, so maybe he is the type that needs to do so on his own. if we tell him, no stay, he can go anyway, or he may resent us: you made me stay, you wouldnt let me go, so now is the time. I agree... regardless of the less than perfect circumstances.... "at least he isnt saying he is going to join the service." i said.
hubby said, "i'd feel better if he said he was."
too horrified, i have taken my tears into my office. never over my dead body i would say. but i know he needs to choose his own path. i really dont want him to go so far away, but... i will let go if i need to and just pray. i will rejoice in his willingness to be free from parents, family and what ever else holds him here.
Friday, December 30, 2005
an angel
I love angels . Here is a gift from my son. even a tortured one. Now to find a way to hang it as I think it weighs about 50 lbs.
Thursday, December 29, 2005
Believe
Believe
Some holidays contain more magic than others. This year I was blessed with a share that will stay with me til the end of my days.
A couple of years ago, my daughter split from her beau leaving her to be the main care taker for their son. (just to give the father credit -- He does take an avid interest in his son, but he is a control freak, too, which can often make child rearing difficult negotiations for the parents and the boy…) that aside, my younger son and I have taken to being Santa Claus, storing the lad’s gifts at our house and bringing them to hers after he has fallen asleep Christmas Eve.
This Christmas Eve went long. My daughter didn’t leave our house until nearly 1 a.m.. My son and I traveled to her house an hour later. But before we went, I pulled out a special Santa gift for my grandson, a replica of the bell from the movie Polar Express that was put out by Hallmark. The bell has the same look and jingle as the bell from the movie. It can also not jingle too if held the correct way. The box it comes in could be the one from the movie, too, a perfect connection for one who believes in Christmas magic. I wrapped the bell in special blue paper and put a big bow on it.
At my daughters, we helped her to set up the gifts. I left the blue box on top of the stack. It was the only wrapped gift in a plethora of others. I took a quick picture, kissed my daughter good-bye, and finally went home.
The morning came quickly; I got up at 8 but was exhausted. I puttered about for a while and tried to go back to sleep but I couldn’t. About 11, I called my daughter to see how Johnny was and say Merry Christmas.
She said, “Johnny, just left. You missed him.” Her tone was sad, as it is so hard for her to say goodbye to her boy for the day. But then she asked, “Mom did you leave that blue wrapped present here?”
I said,”Huh? What blue wrapped present?”
Then she said, “Mom, Johnny got up and looked at his gifts, but then he said,”Look one little wrapped present! What could it be Mama?”
My daughter looked too. “Where did that come from?”
Johnny opened it quickly and said, “Look Momma, a bell from Santa’s sleigh.” My daughter grinned and hugged her son. She said tears came to her eyes. Mom did you? And I Laughed. And she knew. But she said,
“For one minute Mom, really, my heart really fluttered, and I really did believe.”
I just giggled over the phone and said, “Of course Santa left it there.” And I didn’t say another word.
She has never seen the Polar Express, and I hope she gets to watch it soon, for I think she will smile ear to ear for the magic of the bell there, was here.
Some holidays contain more magic than others. This year I was blessed with a share that will stay with me til the end of my days.
A couple of years ago, my daughter split from her beau leaving her to be the main care taker for their son. (just to give the father credit -- He does take an avid interest in his son, but he is a control freak, too, which can often make child rearing difficult negotiations for the parents and the boy…) that aside, my younger son and I have taken to being Santa Claus, storing the lad’s gifts at our house and bringing them to hers after he has fallen asleep Christmas Eve.
This Christmas Eve went long. My daughter didn’t leave our house until nearly 1 a.m.. My son and I traveled to her house an hour later. But before we went, I pulled out a special Santa gift for my grandson, a replica of the bell from the movie Polar Express that was put out by Hallmark. The bell has the same look and jingle as the bell from the movie. It can also not jingle too if held the correct way. The box it comes in could be the one from the movie, too, a perfect connection for one who believes in Christmas magic. I wrapped the bell in special blue paper and put a big bow on it.
At my daughters, we helped her to set up the gifts. I left the blue box on top of the stack. It was the only wrapped gift in a plethora of others. I took a quick picture, kissed my daughter good-bye, and finally went home.
The morning came quickly; I got up at 8 but was exhausted. I puttered about for a while and tried to go back to sleep but I couldn’t. About 11, I called my daughter to see how Johnny was and say Merry Christmas.
She said, “Johnny, just left. You missed him.” Her tone was sad, as it is so hard for her to say goodbye to her boy for the day. But then she asked, “Mom did you leave that blue wrapped present here?”
I said,”Huh? What blue wrapped present?”
Then she said, “Mom, Johnny got up and looked at his gifts, but then he said,”Look one little wrapped present! What could it be Mama?”
My daughter looked too. “Where did that come from?”
Johnny opened it quickly and said, “Look Momma, a bell from Santa’s sleigh.” My daughter grinned and hugged her son. She said tears came to her eyes. Mom did you? And I Laughed. And she knew. But she said,
“For one minute Mom, really, my heart really fluttered, and I really did believe.”
I just giggled over the phone and said, “Of course Santa left it there.” And I didn’t say another word.
She has never seen the Polar Express, and I hope she gets to watch it soon, for I think she will smile ear to ear for the magic of the bell there, was here.
Wednesday, December 21, 2005
Johnny Damon is a traitor
money lovin grubin baseball players that is what they are becoming. what happened to the team? what happened to sticking with one team for a career?
I am seriously thinking of giving up baseball after this!
JOHNNY DAMON I HATE YOU FOR GOING TO THE YANKEES>>YOU HAVE NO LOYALTY
I really want to wish something bad upon you... this sucks!!!
I am seriously thinking of giving up baseball after this!
JOHNNY DAMON I HATE YOU FOR GOING TO THE YANKEES>>YOU HAVE NO LOYALTY
I really want to wish something bad upon you... this sucks!!!
Sunday, December 18, 2005
what is this something new
often I purchase new things for my husband, pants, shirts, wallets, you name it, I buy it. Most often he will just let what ever it is sit there until some time that has some significance to him--- sometimes it is a very long time, like three months for the t-shirt I purchased him at Disneyland---
bottom line, i can not make him exchange his old for what is new...he will choose to wear it when he chooses ---- and what ever has kicked around so long that I have washed and ironed it three times and he still has not bothered with it..., or something --- and maybe nothing out of the ordinary happens...just a whim comes upon him.... he is just not the, "it's new I want to wear it, or use it," type of guy. He likes was is tried, true, and comfortable, each adjective not applied to all....
but yesterday, while I was finally doing some xmas shopping, I spied a pair of wing tips, with soft rubber soles, his favorite! and in his size, not easy to find I must say.
when I came home last night, I had a big grin, "look what I found"...he looked in the box, "wingtips" no trying them on, no taking them out of the box to look at them...no nothing...hummm.... I let his unenthusiastic mood slide .... why why.. i didn't even question.... That is just how he is i reminded myself...oh something for me, thanks.... ... and six months later....hey this is great...lol... it is kind of funny...but...
This morning, I heard him rumbling about the bedroom, getting himself together, and then I kissed him goodbye with my eyes half opened....so exhausted from everything, I lay there listening to hear his car, and I didnt hear it for quite a long while--
so long a time passed that I got out of bed and looked out of the window... and I saw him leaving, 1/2 hour later than usual hummm... I wondered, what took him so long, .... and I paused for a few minutes, tried to go back to sleep, but I couldn't so I began my day.
After doing dishes and bottles and organizing my lists... I went into the living room to see the shoe bag near the sofa was empty. Humm... and the box was empty --- left on the buffet...hummm
Yes, he took the time to take his inserts ..he has special feet... and put them in his new shoes, so that means he tried them on, and they fit..yahooo!!!!
New shoes for a new day, wear them well. For some reason this simple act has me in a much cheerier mood. How silly... what does this mean? hummm I guess he is happy about his shoes...
bottom line, i can not make him exchange his old for what is new...he will choose to wear it when he chooses ---- and what ever has kicked around so long that I have washed and ironed it three times and he still has not bothered with it..., or something --- and maybe nothing out of the ordinary happens...just a whim comes upon him.... he is just not the, "it's new I want to wear it, or use it," type of guy. He likes was is tried, true, and comfortable, each adjective not applied to all....
but yesterday, while I was finally doing some xmas shopping, I spied a pair of wing tips, with soft rubber soles, his favorite! and in his size, not easy to find I must say.
when I came home last night, I had a big grin, "look what I found"...he looked in the box, "wingtips" no trying them on, no taking them out of the box to look at them...no nothing...hummm.... I let his unenthusiastic mood slide .... why why.. i didn't even question.... That is just how he is i reminded myself...oh something for me, thanks.... ... and six months later....hey this is great...lol... it is kind of funny...but...
This morning, I heard him rumbling about the bedroom, getting himself together, and then I kissed him goodbye with my eyes half opened....so exhausted from everything, I lay there listening to hear his car, and I didnt hear it for quite a long while--
so long a time passed that I got out of bed and looked out of the window... and I saw him leaving, 1/2 hour later than usual hummm... I wondered, what took him so long, .... and I paused for a few minutes, tried to go back to sleep, but I couldn't so I began my day.
After doing dishes and bottles and organizing my lists... I went into the living room to see the shoe bag near the sofa was empty. Humm... and the box was empty --- left on the buffet...hummm
Yes, he took the time to take his inserts ..he has special feet... and put them in his new shoes, so that means he tried them on, and they fit..yahooo!!!!
New shoes for a new day, wear them well. For some reason this simple act has me in a much cheerier mood. How silly... what does this mean? hummm I guess he is happy about his shoes...
Sunday, December 11, 2005
morning
the snow came quick
all was covered
the tree limbs and branches and even the
trunks
signs along the road look sprayed with white corn
or cotton
p.j.hernon was out in his truck with his dog
they both wore hats
looking forward driving along
christmas lights
peeking through the snow crested trees
and fences and porches and rooftops
for as far as eyes could see
12/10/05
i pray for my friend Bob Glavin
i pray he gets well
My love hate relationship of this season continues
i have yet to purchase one gift
i have yet to get my tree or my lights up on my house
i am losing it.
i told my boss i have an interview for a job
if i get into the program it wont be until january--- i told her on the 9th of december that means... it would be almost a months notice.....
she started to cry, i felt badly, but i cant
i have been telling her for weeks she needed to find someone
i am tired of her complaint, "i hate working early, i cant get into the office"
there is no certainty here .... i wanted her to understand
but she pressed, call your boss, they cant do that, they must give you a date
but that is not how it is, and she knows that
i did call one of my bosses, he told me the same, what does she think i am going to do, call and get myself throw out before i even get in.... geessh...it is a game..all a fn game...
she is the one who decided to go to europe for 3 weeks....
arghhh....
i will write poetry and next week get ready for xmazz haha.. or Christmas
all was covered
the tree limbs and branches and even the
trunks
signs along the road look sprayed with white corn
or cotton
p.j.hernon was out in his truck with his dog
they both wore hats
looking forward driving along
christmas lights
peeking through the snow crested trees
and fences and porches and rooftops
for as far as eyes could see
12/10/05
i pray for my friend Bob Glavin
i pray he gets well
My love hate relationship of this season continues
i have yet to purchase one gift
i have yet to get my tree or my lights up on my house
i am losing it.
i told my boss i have an interview for a job
if i get into the program it wont be until january--- i told her on the 9th of december that means... it would be almost a months notice.....
she started to cry, i felt badly, but i cant
i have been telling her for weeks she needed to find someone
i am tired of her complaint, "i hate working early, i cant get into the office"
there is no certainty here .... i wanted her to understand
but she pressed, call your boss, they cant do that, they must give you a date
but that is not how it is, and she knows that
i did call one of my bosses, he told me the same, what does she think i am going to do, call and get myself throw out before i even get in.... geessh...it is a game..all a fn game...
she is the one who decided to go to europe for 3 weeks....
arghhh....
i will write poetry and next week get ready for xmazz haha.. or Christmas
Thursday, December 08, 2005
cold heat
wear your gloves
wear your hat
cover your head
dont go out like that
where are your socks?
where are your boots?
do you need long underwear?
a sweater?
hot chocolate?
tea?
none of the above
give lasting heat
yesterday was one of those everlasting days
a day i took a nap in the afternoon
a day i cooked breakfasts (short order) after 4
a day the shopping took place so late
that by the time all was put away
husband and i went to bed
that was the deal...
if you go shopping with me, we can come home and go right to bed...
hahah ...
so we did...
first there was the unpacking by the crew, they picked and decided what they wanted to cook,
then there was the sneaking into bed, but hearing all kinds of noise---
the oil overheated and the smoke alarms and the baby and doors and windows......
the bellow of
"you're not paying the heating bills"
yesterday was 8 years since my father died...
and 33 years since my husband and i first kissed
yesterday we tested those kisses
they didnt seem 33 years old---
some things get better with age...
perhaps kissing does
the reason why our eyes get weaker is so that we cannot see the imperfections that come along with growing old.... some how my husband does not look like he is losing his hair, nor does his beard and mustache appear all white, i just dont see the way it is....
nor does he see how old lady ive become..well when it comes to driving with my seatbelt on, and worrying about wrinkles, and not wanting to wear anything but plain white cotton underwear.... that he never complains are old lady like..... thank you love for creating foolish visions and giving us heat when it is too cold to walk around the house in bare feet
enough rambling...
wear your hat
cover your head
dont go out like that
where are your socks?
where are your boots?
do you need long underwear?
a sweater?
hot chocolate?
tea?
none of the above
give lasting heat
yesterday was one of those everlasting days
a day i took a nap in the afternoon
a day i cooked breakfasts (short order) after 4
a day the shopping took place so late
that by the time all was put away
husband and i went to bed
that was the deal...
if you go shopping with me, we can come home and go right to bed...
hahah ...
so we did...
first there was the unpacking by the crew, they picked and decided what they wanted to cook,
then there was the sneaking into bed, but hearing all kinds of noise---
the oil overheated and the smoke alarms and the baby and doors and windows......
the bellow of
"you're not paying the heating bills"
yesterday was 8 years since my father died...
and 33 years since my husband and i first kissed
yesterday we tested those kisses
they didnt seem 33 years old---
some things get better with age...
perhaps kissing does
the reason why our eyes get weaker is so that we cannot see the imperfections that come along with growing old.... some how my husband does not look like he is losing his hair, nor does his beard and mustache appear all white, i just dont see the way it is....
nor does he see how old lady ive become..well when it comes to driving with my seatbelt on, and worrying about wrinkles, and not wanting to wear anything but plain white cotton underwear.... that he never complains are old lady like..... thank you love for creating foolish visions and giving us heat when it is too cold to walk around the house in bare feet
enough rambling...
Monday, December 05, 2005
sleepy
the morning is quiet, i can hear the ticking of the clock,
the soft touch keys beat as they are tapped, the baby coos, and squeaks in his swing, my eyes droop, mothering for an hour
i remember the endless mornings, one child, then later, another, and more years, another, and more years another... til there was four. today they run out the door, each on their own path, for the most part happy, so that should be it,
but sadness comes over me, covers me like snow turned to ice-- glazed
how fast they have grown.... their lives are going by, just as mine, slipping--
even with the hardships, i would relive it again to get to this day, this moment, this feeling of peacefulness,
i breathe longer and harder
everyday is full, but i take each moment of joy for all it gives,
yet i am sad, i really have no more babies. my youngest will be 16 after the first of the year, the oldest will turn 28
i dont want another child to care for, i just want this to keep going
this way
quiet
Peace
calm
the dog is barking, i laugh, being so annoyed, he wants to go out in the snow
you are too old, your hind legs will freeze,
stay in be warm, he reminds --
the world outside is barking for me
.
the soft touch keys beat as they are tapped, the baby coos, and squeaks in his swing, my eyes droop, mothering for an hour
i remember the endless mornings, one child, then later, another, and more years, another, and more years another... til there was four. today they run out the door, each on their own path, for the most part happy, so that should be it,
but sadness comes over me, covers me like snow turned to ice-- glazed
how fast they have grown.... their lives are going by, just as mine, slipping--
even with the hardships, i would relive it again to get to this day, this moment, this feeling of peacefulness,
i breathe longer and harder
everyday is full, but i take each moment of joy for all it gives,
yet i am sad, i really have no more babies. my youngest will be 16 after the first of the year, the oldest will turn 28
i dont want another child to care for, i just want this to keep going
this way
quiet
Peace
calm
the dog is barking, i laugh, being so annoyed, he wants to go out in the snow
you are too old, your hind legs will freeze,
stay in be warm, he reminds --
the world outside is barking for me
.
Saturday, December 03, 2005
Tests Suck
Tests Suck
Who at 47 years old wants to take a test that could possibly change the direction she has been working toward for over 12 years –
The reason for the test would be to be accepted into a program that will turn her life upside down for 4 months, and then from there, the future could be endless, if she manages to make it through it all….
So she took the test… she stressed during the test, she freaked during the test, not that it was hard, but because it was work. Yes, you must work at math she reminded herself. Yes, you can do math she reminded herself.
The test had a grammar mistake…how dare they
The test had stupid questions….why would they?
She left the test with a feeling of “I know I blew it”
But she didn’t… excellent, excellent, excellent, that is how they grade you,
Excellent, strong, minimal, and non-eligible. So she passed that part. Now she has to wait for an interview. Will she get one? God help her through this crap. Who at 47 years old needs it? All should be settled and straightened out by now! Isn’t that the way it is supposed to be?
There is no supposed to be in life and living. To truly live one must keep learning, that is the teacher in me. Oh it is fun to be a fool sometimes. So many paths... How much time?
Who at 47 years old wants to take a test that could possibly change the direction she has been working toward for over 12 years –
The reason for the test would be to be accepted into a program that will turn her life upside down for 4 months, and then from there, the future could be endless, if she manages to make it through it all….
So she took the test… she stressed during the test, she freaked during the test, not that it was hard, but because it was work. Yes, you must work at math she reminded herself. Yes, you can do math she reminded herself.
The test had a grammar mistake…how dare they
The test had stupid questions….why would they?
She left the test with a feeling of “I know I blew it”
But she didn’t… excellent, excellent, excellent, that is how they grade you,
Excellent, strong, minimal, and non-eligible. So she passed that part. Now she has to wait for an interview. Will she get one? God help her through this crap. Who at 47 years old needs it? All should be settled and straightened out by now! Isn’t that the way it is supposed to be?
There is no supposed to be in life and living. To truly live one must keep learning, that is the teacher in me. Oh it is fun to be a fool sometimes. So many paths... How much time?
Wednesday, November 30, 2005
New York New York
Truly Scrumptious
Johnny, my grandson, 7, curious, observant, smart, dislikes school, but he doesn’t dislike learning. He dislikes the regiment, and finds his imaginative mind much more entertaining than school lessons. He loves music, likes to sing, and likes to watch TV. He hates to color but in his words, “loves to draw.” There is a difference, he will let you know.
This summer, I asked him,”Would you like to go to New York City, would you like to go see Chitty Chitty Bang Bang?
He asked, “What’s that Grammy?”
I explained that “it” is a musical on Broadway and more questions came easily.
What’s Broadway? Where is New York? Why is it far away? What is a musical? What is Chitty Chitty Bang Bang?
“Oh, yes Grammy, I would like to go.” he finally said. So we went.
The night before we watched a movie and cuddled up on the sofa, but sleep came lightly, or no sleep, so it seemed, we were both too excited, and woke up easily at 5:30. Papa dropped us at South Station where a twisting line 100 people strong waited to get on the bus. Would we make it on the first bus out?
The driver looked at our papers, and at Johnny, “Laddie, where is your ID? I suppose you’re not old enough? Do we have to put him with the luggage?” he asked another driver. Johnny tightened his grip around my already held hand and leaned into me. I laughed a bit as we entered the bus.
“He was just teasing me?” Johnny said looking back, I laughed and agreed.
We found the last, free, two- seater, at the very back of the bus near the bathroom. Arggh I thought, I hope it doesn’t smell, and it didn’t seem to.
Johnny settled in near the window and gazed out of it, and then at me, “Is it going to be a long ride Grammy?”
About 4 hours, like when we went by plane to visit Aunt Joni.
Humm, but then we were flying, here we are driving, and it takes the same time. Are we going to go down hills and up hills and around hills?
Yes, I would say so, but not big hills.
I hate hills in buses, he said just as we turned onto the long hill that lead the bus to the Mass Pike. Grammy that was fun. Johnny looked at the buildings as we passed and in the stir, we talked a bit, but then he relaxed and rested against me and fell asleep.
We were in Connecticut when he woke up.
Are we there yet? Not yet? Just how much longer? I have to go potty. Want to try?
Sure, he bravely went to the bathroom door, lock it from the inside, and said, “Don’t touch that thing over head or else you have a problem.” he giggled, and I heard his feet slip on the floor, his voice saying…..oh no oh no, ---- metal seat warned not to touch or sit on,------ and the bus rumbling along, oh no oh no I can’t, I heard him say again as he came out the door holding onto his pants. I can’t Grammy, it’s too bumpity. I’ll wait till we get there…. And he did.
Soon we came to the Bronx and the bridges and Johnny perked up. How soon Grammy? Please say “We’re here!” when we get there. But I was just as dazed as him, and soon we were in the terminal with out my cheer. Grammy you didn’t say “We’re here!” I laughed; well we’re here, hooray! And we both grinned.
We found the rest rooms and had lunch in the bus station; it was much easier to make our plans that way.
Where to first? Let’s find the theatre and walk from there. So we did.
Times Square on this Sunday Morning was the quietest I’ve ever found it to be. There were fewer people, much fewer than I ever remembered, but it was only 10:30 am. Of course.
We found the theatre and then walked up to the middle of the square. Johnny noticed and pointed out the neon signs immediately. Look! Grammy Look! He shouted as he watched them lighten and go dark or change picture from picture. We walked up to the Hershey’s store where he picked out a few things he was interested in. He also helped the man in the store make buckets of Hershey’s treats with a machine. What time are you open till? 10 pm Mam. Johnny and I decided to return after the show. From there we walked back to the Toys R Us. Look, Grammy, look, he shouted as we walked by the Ferris wheel.
Want to go on that?
Nope, Grammy I do not.
I’ll go with you.
Nope, I don’t like heights.
We continued walking ….WOW look Grammy! Johnny shouted, look King Kong made out of Lego’s and the Statue of Liberty made of out Lego’s, too. And on and on Johnny’s eyes took in the magic, and his voice let out his glee. Certainly, he has been to other toy stores, he has been to Disneyland, he has seen all kinds of displays, but today, that day, right then, right there, all was new, and wonderful to him, and he was seeing it all for himself, by himself without me pointing a thing out, he was exploring and enjoying and for me, and actually for quite a few passersby, and a few clerks in the store, Johnny had that certain magic that wonder and innocence creates, the magic that joy and simplicity can spray, and that most grown ups, at least the ones I like, love to hear and see and be touched by.
Johnny played for a bit, then we walked to the theatre for his first Broadway Musical, Chitty Chitty Bang Bang, that was perfect for a child of 7.
Perfect for the settings, bright bold, and amicable to children’s eyes. The windmill looked like a playspace with beds on lofted stilts,
The music was fun and playful, and especially nice with melodies from flutes from time to time.
You could watch the conductor on the TV if you wanted to --- Johnny did a few times. The show was perfect for him because the children in it were about his size,
It was perfect because the Child Catcher was very very scary, and the stage setting so dramatic that Johnny remarked, “That doesn’t look real, it looks like it is on TV.” And Johnny shivered in his seat as the Child Catcher caught the children because he was in a disguise.
The show was perfect for the live puppies that ran across the stage, and the underground tunnel that made Johnny afraid, and the guns that shot confetti that floated down upon us, but most of all, it was perfect for the vision of Chitty, the magical car that could float and fly and Johnny could not figure out how, for there were no strings to make it fly. Johnny clapped, and cheered, and then sighed as we went outside.
This could have been the down of the day, the show was over, it was a little gloomy, but it wasn’t, for when we began to walk up the street, Santa Claus and an Elf were suddenly there. Hello, Santa Claus, Johnny said.
Well Hello Young Man, Santa said and they shook hands. The Elf gave Johnny a candy cane and we kept walking.
Grammy, Santa wasn’t there before, where did he come from?
I don’t know, maybe magic, I said.
Yes, Johnny agreed as he grinned ear to ear.
When we got to Times Square we stopped to take his picture, and passersby stopped too to let the shot be done. Everyone was extremely nice.
We went back to the Toys R Us where the Ferris wheel was still too daunting for him and Johnny picked out Buckaroo, a game small enough that he could carry himself. We went back to the Hershey’s store where he bought a big huge Hershey’s Kiss and some big Hershey’s bars and then we walked and talked. Tickets were available for David Letterman, but he was too young. Cabs were there to jump into, but he wanted to walk, and by the time we got to Central Park the sun had set. It was just too dark to go exploring. Another time, Johnny, I said, and he agreed. We took the A train back to 42nd street, had our dinner at the same place we had our brunch, and then found ourselves in a 200 person line waiting for a bus back to Boston. Johnny was excited to go home, but then again sad to leave, When are we coming back Grammy?
In the spring Johnny, I’ll bring you here for an over night.
Ok, Grammy, that sounds good.
When we came from the bus station at home, Papa was waiting for us.
Johnny ran to his car, Papa, Papa, we’re back!
My husband, said, “You’re smiling, you look so happy, I love that.”
I said, “I had a wonderful day with my grandson.”And from the back seat up piped little Johnny’s voice, “I had a wonderful day, too”
He stayed over that night, and he went to the school the next day. And actually I haven’t seen him since, but I see his handsome face in the picture and in my mind, and I know I’ll be seeing him soon. I wonder if or what tune he has playing in his head? I’ll have to ask him, because I can’t get Truly Scrumptious out of mine! And yes, it actually was a Truly Scrumptious time.
Monday, November 21, 2005
rush
i heard him in the shower and moaned
it was going to be one of those mornings when my space would not be my space one of those mornings that i could easily stay in bed curled up
in my blankets, my feather pillow
beneath my head dreaming instead of planning
scheming oh please give me a way out---
before 5:00 am he knocked on the door
did you get me that phone?
no
then more
do me a big big favor?
what is it?
sew a patch on my jeans?
no i dont really want to, but i suppose i'll have to
fine I'll do it myself
i would let you but you need to use the sewing machine, set it up
so he did
and i did
and well he was happy, and i was my old self, proud i could accomplish something that many people couldn't or wouldn't want to do
i like to sew, it has a meditative effect
much like ironing, that process too has a reflective state while in the doing
years ago women, who did not come with money, worked in the home, they sewed, they ironed, they took an entire day to do laundry, they even shoveled their own coal, grew potatoes in their cellars, and grapes vines in their yards, they cooked, and scrubbed, and still made love....
my my mind does wander...
how little space is does one own?
that the answer is none
even when alone you are sharing space
I loved the book the Subtle Knife, to have a knife that cuts a hole into another world and then back into your own, yes exciting, treacherous, dangerous, but oh what a form of escapism
a transporter would be good too.
right now i have to transport myself to work ---
it was going to be one of those mornings when my space would not be my space one of those mornings that i could easily stay in bed curled up
in my blankets, my feather pillow
beneath my head dreaming instead of planning
scheming oh please give me a way out---
before 5:00 am he knocked on the door
did you get me that phone?
no
then more
do me a big big favor?
what is it?
sew a patch on my jeans?
no i dont really want to, but i suppose i'll have to
fine I'll do it myself
i would let you but you need to use the sewing machine, set it up
so he did
and i did
and well he was happy, and i was my old self, proud i could accomplish something that many people couldn't or wouldn't want to do
i like to sew, it has a meditative effect
much like ironing, that process too has a reflective state while in the doing
years ago women, who did not come with money, worked in the home, they sewed, they ironed, they took an entire day to do laundry, they even shoveled their own coal, grew potatoes in their cellars, and grapes vines in their yards, they cooked, and scrubbed, and still made love....
my my mind does wander...
how little space is does one own?
that the answer is none
even when alone you are sharing space
I loved the book the Subtle Knife, to have a knife that cuts a hole into another world and then back into your own, yes exciting, treacherous, dangerous, but oh what a form of escapism
a transporter would be good too.
right now i have to transport myself to work ---
Saturday, November 19, 2005
cool air
Here is a funny picture of the new baby in his baby Einstein... he is growing way too fast!
suddenly it really is November, the air is crisp, the wind frisky at times, and Thanksgiving is next week.
This weekend I have to do all the shopping, then start the baking. We are staying home this year. I need the time to be home as I am so rarely here. I miss my house, its warmth, just having the time to snuggle up and watch a movie on TV without falling asleep would be a gift. Hub Bub is building some kind of external harddrives for his work, computers are expensive erector sets to him, so go for it, but of course some day I might feel like I am living in a museum....of the old and new. We do have two huge closets full of computer parts.
The crew went to see Harry Potter 4. It was a wonderful night. The movie made me cry, and with that, I have to say, it is the best Harry Potter yet.
There is something special in a movie that can make me cry. And even more something in a movie that can make a man cry. Would my husband have cried at this? I don't rightly know, but... oh I cant tell tales. Off to work I go......
Friday, November 11, 2005
Construction
Construction
Since April we have lived in a construction zone:
The T is doing a major overhaul on the 100 year old red line section where we live.
The city is working on the water/sewer separation project mandated by the Federal Government.
Discovery ---- …. we live in a bed from an old river, when the city put in piping …sewer pipes, any kind of piping…under our little section of H street … the main junctions-- were build here… these bases give access to the electricity, cable, gas, and who only knows what other utilities---they lie beneath the concrete and black top of our neighborhood -- a city unto their own… Just how much of the neighborhood I do not know, but if this is any indication of what lies beneath our houses…. Hummm ---- they keep records of this… a job someone could go into as far as the dating is concerned because our project is always being put on “hold’ waiting for one utility or another to finish its “section” of the job.
It has been mornings, afternoons, and evenings of
Useless policemen on details….cops in orange and white belts….orange vested sewer workers, baseball caps, swearing and more swearing…, hardhats and all and all a lot of nastiness.
My grandson has received a fine construction vehicle education:
Shovel trucks
Dump trucks
Fork lift trucks
Trucks that men jump out of with jack hammers in their hands
Trucks that men jump out of and unload other machines from
Trucks with huge metal plates--- the metal plates are dropped on the big fat holes they make everyday
little and sizeable Trucks people wearing orange vests drive….carrying clips boards and papers and what ever else…
He also is witness to the pipes they took out and replaced…
8 foot round pipes
6 foot round pipes that look like huge tunnels we used to play in at the playground… but I can’t remember what they would called at this moment… but I am trying
2 foot round pipes
4 inch round pipes
And holes------- oh all kinds of holes…
Holes the size of my kitchen from sidewalk to sidewalk and some
Making the street impassable…and sink holes here and there… Where did that one come from?
One day a
Little street cutter drove out of a truck, it was a small three wheeled vehicle with a huge circular saw that sliced up the black top, and as it did the slicing, it also sprayed water. This water and digging at the same time splashed up mud, a mud so thick you would be a sculpture if you passed by. This mud marked all the vehicles as it sliced up the street. Everyone’s car looked as if it had been driving through a treacherous rain storm in a South American country------ movie cliché I know…
The workers didn’t take the time to warn anyone…
So today after a week of quiet
The Nstar trucks
Keyspan trucks
And some construction company trucks are out on the street again. It makes me wonder what folly has taken place, but I know it isn’t a folly, it is that the planning for this project has been poor, filled with set backs.
Life dreams in time and space, construction projects remind us to be patient. = soon it will be gone away, until the next bright idea… But this project will be back after the snow and probably in-between snowstorms too, because the black top is not going to make it. It is too loose.
Which prepares me to say I am still looking for the greatest bath tub… and ive yet to find one..? A deep one I can soak in … a hide away for some private time.
My own construction project… Humm, perhaps I’ll wait til spring, it will be warmer, and and and…. Hummmm…. There is always more to do.
Since April we have lived in a construction zone:
The T is doing a major overhaul on the 100 year old red line section where we live.
The city is working on the water/sewer separation project mandated by the Federal Government.
Discovery ---- …. we live in a bed from an old river, when the city put in piping …sewer pipes, any kind of piping…under our little section of H street … the main junctions-- were build here… these bases give access to the electricity, cable, gas, and who only knows what other utilities---they lie beneath the concrete and black top of our neighborhood -- a city unto their own… Just how much of the neighborhood I do not know, but if this is any indication of what lies beneath our houses…. Hummm ---- they keep records of this… a job someone could go into as far as the dating is concerned because our project is always being put on “hold’ waiting for one utility or another to finish its “section” of the job.
It has been mornings, afternoons, and evenings of
Useless policemen on details….cops in orange and white belts….orange vested sewer workers, baseball caps, swearing and more swearing…, hardhats and all and all a lot of nastiness.
My grandson has received a fine construction vehicle education:
Shovel trucks
Dump trucks
Fork lift trucks
Trucks that men jump out of with jack hammers in their hands
Trucks that men jump out of and unload other machines from
Trucks with huge metal plates--- the metal plates are dropped on the big fat holes they make everyday
little and sizeable Trucks people wearing orange vests drive….carrying clips boards and papers and what ever else…
He also is witness to the pipes they took out and replaced…
8 foot round pipes
6 foot round pipes that look like huge tunnels we used to play in at the playground… but I can’t remember what they would called at this moment… but I am trying
2 foot round pipes
4 inch round pipes
And holes------- oh all kinds of holes…
Holes the size of my kitchen from sidewalk to sidewalk and some
Making the street impassable…and sink holes here and there… Where did that one come from?
One day a
Little street cutter drove out of a truck, it was a small three wheeled vehicle with a huge circular saw that sliced up the black top, and as it did the slicing, it also sprayed water. This water and digging at the same time splashed up mud, a mud so thick you would be a sculpture if you passed by. This mud marked all the vehicles as it sliced up the street. Everyone’s car looked as if it had been driving through a treacherous rain storm in a South American country------ movie cliché I know…
The workers didn’t take the time to warn anyone…
So today after a week of quiet
The Nstar trucks
Keyspan trucks
And some construction company trucks are out on the street again. It makes me wonder what folly has taken place, but I know it isn’t a folly, it is that the planning for this project has been poor, filled with set backs.
Life dreams in time and space, construction projects remind us to be patient. = soon it will be gone away, until the next bright idea… But this project will be back after the snow and probably in-between snowstorms too, because the black top is not going to make it. It is too loose.
Which prepares me to say I am still looking for the greatest bath tub… and ive yet to find one..? A deep one I can soak in … a hide away for some private time.
My own construction project… Humm, perhaps I’ll wait til spring, it will be warmer, and and and…. Hummmm…. There is always more to do.
Sunday, November 06, 2005
wanted
girls day out. di and i do this occasionally, take a day to ourselves. and we-- usually --- in some way have our picture taken, today it was after 5 hours at the mall, she maintained her sense of humor, me, all i could think about was the work i had to get done at home... i cant believe i had four inches cut off my hair, and it looks green arggghhh.....what a bore!
Saturday, November 05, 2005
Life, Living, and Running Away
Running Away sometimes is just what I have to do to keep living.... or else all there would be is work...
We ran away to Salem the day before Halloween-- My sister in law, my godson, my two daughters, and my grandson all took the train. It was much easier than driving, then we walked.... all about the town which isnt too large, and has many sights to see even when it isn't close to Hallow's Eve....
There was a bike run which brought in over 7500 motorcycles of various styles, Johnny and I waited and watch for them all to come by. He was so excited, look Grammy over and over again. He was a tired lad that day, so watching the run from stacks of hay, curled up to his Grammy was just what he needed to enjoy the rest of the evening....
In Salem there were haunted houses, and ghost stories, and witches, and warlocks, and scary creatures, like Chuckie, and Jason, but I didnt see a Freddie this year... Oh how I hate Chuckie! and so does my little love Johnny, he turned into me as a large 6 foot Chuckie passed us on the street... There were wizards, and lots of Harry Potter stuff, but I just wore my black clothing and long black coat and an angel's halo. My daughter Di dressed up too, as a Cat with wings, she looked very cute.... Scary that she is only fifteen.. But the rest of the troop dressed down in their everyday clothes, but it didnt make a difference because in Salem there is room for both the costumed and the viewers...
There were one act plays about ghosts, and goblins, and murderers... We went to see a certain one act play .... and in the dark theatre Johnny sat up quickly, and peeped out, "Excuse me, Excuse me Sir" as he was frightened, but we shsshed him quiet and he sat down for the rest of the show. When we were leaving a man came up to me and said, "Gee, he was the best. I've never laughed so hard in my life."
I met a writer and illustrator of a book who self published, and of course my kids were yearning to hear me say I was going to do the same, but I didnt. I just enjoyed meeting Maryanne and her husband and chatting with her for awhile.
My daughters were just wonderful, exploring the inns and outers of the town, not an argument, just joy, and of course a few bikers who are the biggest flirts in the world, added levity to my all too consumming working world. I have so much more to say but of course, I have to go off to work. maybe I'll have some time tomorrow.
We ran away to Salem the day before Halloween-- My sister in law, my godson, my two daughters, and my grandson all took the train. It was much easier than driving, then we walked.... all about the town which isnt too large, and has many sights to see even when it isn't close to Hallow's Eve....
There was a bike run which brought in over 7500 motorcycles of various styles, Johnny and I waited and watch for them all to come by. He was so excited, look Grammy over and over again. He was a tired lad that day, so watching the run from stacks of hay, curled up to his Grammy was just what he needed to enjoy the rest of the evening....
In Salem there were haunted houses, and ghost stories, and witches, and warlocks, and scary creatures, like Chuckie, and Jason, but I didnt see a Freddie this year... Oh how I hate Chuckie! and so does my little love Johnny, he turned into me as a large 6 foot Chuckie passed us on the street... There were wizards, and lots of Harry Potter stuff, but I just wore my black clothing and long black coat and an angel's halo. My daughter Di dressed up too, as a Cat with wings, she looked very cute.... Scary that she is only fifteen.. But the rest of the troop dressed down in their everyday clothes, but it didnt make a difference because in Salem there is room for both the costumed and the viewers...
There were one act plays about ghosts, and goblins, and murderers... We went to see a certain one act play .... and in the dark theatre Johnny sat up quickly, and peeped out, "Excuse me, Excuse me Sir" as he was frightened, but we shsshed him quiet and he sat down for the rest of the show. When we were leaving a man came up to me and said, "Gee, he was the best. I've never laughed so hard in my life."
I met a writer and illustrator of a book who self published, and of course my kids were yearning to hear me say I was going to do the same, but I didnt. I just enjoyed meeting Maryanne and her husband and chatting with her for awhile.
My daughters were just wonderful, exploring the inns and outers of the town, not an argument, just joy, and of course a few bikers who are the biggest flirts in the world, added levity to my all too consumming working world. I have so much more to say but of course, I have to go off to work. maybe I'll have some time tomorrow.
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