inspiration and hope

well it is 5 am and i am trying to get myself together to go back to this place that i dont really want to go to ...so it is a challenge. It is so weird when you have to sit down and look at yourself and say, what did i do to create this situation, and then assess what you can do to fix things. i dont really know how to fix things because with them i never knew i was saying anything that would shock or horrify or otherwise insult them until i had already said it, so here is Tuesday and I have to work straight through Saturday which is not very appealing to me, not because I dont want to work, but because of the weight of the oppression i feel.... just sucks.
but I will try to be positive and build upon the negatives (even if I disagree) I will not say anything about anything but just go in and run report and educate myself as that is the way it appears to me that I have to do. I obviously appear incompetent and that is not good. Especially since I know I am not. I am totally trying to keep my nerves intact. This really really sucks.

On the other hand...yesterday while in my usual doodles I came across a theme for some work which i hope I will create... So if i make it through this i might actually do some artwork and some more writing besides all this whinning and get on with things.

i hate being a grown up. it is much easier to play in a world where there are no responsibilites and you can just do what you want when you want.

i suppose the opposite of BIG would be me. let me be little again with my innocence intact, without the knowledge of the world and what it does to people and dreams and families and the innocents themselves. the burden of knowledge is sometimes too great. it is a weight that can imprision ones mind and being, it is also a tool though however if you are an educated person working with those who think you think you are something better than those who are not educated that can sometimes cause great strife. fear...who is this person ...what is he she trying to prove.

arghh i must get on with this