vanilla toothpaste and Dad's day

i bought the vanilla toothpaste new on the market...i usually like everything vanilla, vanilla shake, vanilla coke, vanilla coffee, ice cream etc... but i dont care so much for the lingering vanilla flavor in my mouth after i am done. i dont know if it is being a creature of habit or what. on to the citrus and lemon, hummmm i really have to try that one out.


it is Father's day and my Dad has been gone for a long time. 8.5 years it seems like forever to me, it just really does and it sucks. my life within my family has such a hole in it sometimes i just dont care to be around them anymore, at times the relationships seem trivial.... and it isnt as if i am excluded, but it certainly feels that way. It is little things i am sensitive to, like my sister in law sending out invitaions to my brother's birthday party, but the invitation is specific, mr and mrs, instead of the w family, it just seems so weird to me. i am going to have to call to make sure everyone is invited which probably seems ridiculous as the entire family is going to be there, but it is just weird to me. Sil family got three invitations... her older kids got them, but not mine. i am not going to make a big deal about it, but i feel insulted, probably overly sensitive. they are having the party on a saturday which is just a suck day for us as we both work on saturdays and would have to get the day off.... i just dont see it happening --- we dont even have any vacation planned yet...we will probably send the kids and attend late....arghh...maybe we can get out early that would be a solution... just rambling thoughts....any way...it is Father's day... and I just really feel gloomy, like it is outside, our pool is still not open... the weather has not even been tropical, it has been cold raining foggy, someone said like England..i do not know as i have never been..................................................................being i am just being today... trying to get through this day without having a major melt down because things are not perfect... i have to go shopping and get the chickens and make a cake and do laundry and dishes that i shouldnt have to do.... and it is a day off but it is a day on too...


when i was being programed i asked my dad to help me everyday, he knows what management is like, and you know, my aspirations are not to become a manager, just being what i am is good enough for me. i have a full time job and im going to be able to retire someday...i have no intentions of letting the teacher in me slide and i hope to start school in january to finish my masters but i have to do some reseach first...enough of my dream... without those prayers to my Father i dont know if i would have made it through...it was just a very difficult time....so i know he is there in this universe somewhere...

then there is my husband, he over the years developed a special relationship with my dad, they used to go shellfishing together, something my husband hasnt done since my father died, well not true, we did go once over to the bay and that was a fun day, except for the people who lost their oars and i swam over to save them from being carried away by the current... i forgot about that day... and that was before the horrid back incident...but f rarely goes to my mother's house now; it is obvious to me that everything has changed for him too. we just dont talk about it, it is too painful for the both of us, the friendship...

my brothers are great guys, but... they are not my Dad, and my father was close to both my husband and I at different times, like when my mom moved to the cape with my younger brother and sister, my husband would go to my house and wait for me, my father and him would play cards and sometimes eat hot dogs or fix stuff. it was just the way it was. when my kids were younger, we would go down the cape in the summer, amd my mother always seemed to be away...my father would take my husband shellfishing and they would tinker about together and play cribbage etc...and later I would play too. but mostly they would play and i would take care of the kids and let them be chums. dad and i would food shop and he always remarked, 'i've filled up the napkin holder because i knew the w were coming' i do like napkins and neatness at the table...

my dad always offered me bombs and 1/2 bombs and i've only had 1 since he left. and well i rarely get to play cards anymore, and i rarely go to the cape... day trips for a few hours... that's it. and my husband wonders why i dont want to be buried down there beside him, my husband that is...

throw me in the ocean that is what i really want... i wish he would want that too.... but he says he wants to rot in the ground beside me... nooooooo noooo we have to work this one out....

so anyway i am still greiving for my father, but not just him, but the way things used to be, my kids are older now --- but i still say i miss those days... for they were some of the very very best... i would go off to the beach with the kids and leave the men to themselves... i would sometimes be gone all day... when i got home the men would have cooked...and played cards and napped.... that was a vacation for my husband... i would do the dishes, but i rarely had to cook now that i think about that.... it was just a time that will never be again .... and perhaps that is why F and I are having such a hard time trying to figure out what kind of vacation we would like to take, because for us, our vacations were spent with my Father, down the cape, and he would do his things with my dad, and i would do my things with the kids, and once in awhile f would go to the beach but less and less over the years, as he would chum with my dad... and play cards at night... and that was all we needed... nothing elaborate..... just a different way of being, a different life, that passed away with my Dad...

the closest day i've had since then was probably the day my sister and i went to the beach with the all the kids... that was a fine day. one of the best since i can remember when. my sister is coming at the end of the month... i wonder if we are going to have any good summer days at all... i need to call her for her itineray...

my daughter says i should go tanning to help my illness ...i wonder if it will help i have to go look that up.

well happy Father's day to all dads... i love that Dave mathews song... daughters and dads something special because my dad had a way to make all his daughters feel special...that is just the way he was

quiet

My days have grown better, but still alot to do. The job is good, but need to get out on the street more, always more to learn.

Tuesday was the Field of Dreams at Fenway Park. It was great. We had over 500 kids come to be face painted, make t-shirts and /or work with clay. There was a point where we were overwhelmed by the crowd, but it all went well, and the families went home happy. It was noticeable to me the significant socio-economic divide between the companies who paid to rent the park and those they are holding the fund raising for. Unfortunately, those who are actively participating in the fundraiser by playing a game will never see the ugliness of life the kids they are fundraising for often see. It is all about money. raising money, spending money, and having money --- "old money," not relatively new money because new money can make people make foolish choices, it is the tried and true money that has been invested and divested over the years that is the true wealth of money. What would really be amazing would be to have the kids who get jobs through ABCD come to the park and work that day, but that doesn't seem to be the case -- our students, the dot art students are the only ones we see... i wonder if that could be changed?

time otherwise goes on.
i have an appt for the dermatologist in July sometime. I am tired of the ugly disease. no short sleeves, not short anything -- the pain is pretty severe at times, but not any worse than the entire back incident... so i just keep plugging along.

R and H had another ugly fight, but thank G. not in this house. R is here, H is at the mothers. I miss seeing the baby, but I dont miss the fighting and the upset. It is hard on R. and i suppose on H too, but that is why people dont have babies without having a place of their own first where they can navigate their own space without interfering with other's space.

Personal space is very important when living. without it one might go nuts. dont i know it. i like this moment right now though. i am not tired. i do not have to do for someone else. it is my space alone. I like it, it is more natural the past few days then it has been for months. This I need and I like.

Fred asks for only a chocolate cake for Father's day. Very funny. Still working on that one --- he says he is happy... i believe him.

My mom and sister are away in Rome. Lucky for me, I get to use my sister's car while our car situation is being worked out. St blew her engine and nothing has been easy since then ... carting people around sucks. it probably is different if you have no children but it is certainly not a chariot ride

i want Red Sox's tickets. they are impossible to come by... but i am working on it. F says he will go whoo hoo!!!

shame shame

ive been working so hard, i've no time for anything. havent been writing, havent been calling... looking forward to nyc this weekend. i really need to have some fun.

maybe a new buggy next week... too bad ive grown fond of the wagon..i dont know what we are going to do. Ricky bought a little car, it reminds me of my younger sister's old one. I think it will be a good car for him and his family. i pray that all things work out. cant believe it is memorial day weekend wow.

Life death, little annoyances

Today there was a comment on my blog, receive a college degree.... well I have two --- big deal... having to screen comments to avoid spam is an annoyance... but it is minor compared to the people here who have lost their homes, and are living in shelters because of the floods. Luckily, we have a new drainage system in place that seems to be working well, but we had 4 feet of water in the basement once, and I don't want to have to go through that again.

I pray for strength, and peace for those who have to deal with the aftermath and recovery ...water--- life giveth and taketh away...nature...

the job is going ok... lots to learn, but loving it.... i hope it stays this way...

On the other note, death has come to the family. My aunt, 83, i think she was passed away. My daughters noticeably upset, my sons, a little shaken. "She always seemed so strong, so febrile,old but not so old" My oldest went crabbing with her as a child, my grandson has a big green seahorse given to him by my aunt...

my cousin, her daughter, we were close as children, well as close as cousins can be in a way... in our early teens, my cousin met someone and fell in love, her mother threatened her, do not marry him, he has no college degree, he wants to be a lock smith... they were madly in love...

my cousin went to cornell... left school to be with the locksmith...went to bu...mother threatened her again... do not marry him...

she moved away to delaware, started her life again, got her masters, met someone new, got married and within 6 months she was dead..plane crash, burned to death...

my aunt, strong women, but very controlling, she lived a good long life, even though tragic ..... My God Bless her and keep her...

It will be a long two days...wakes and funerals....

one week gone by

it is a week since i went to my new assignment, and i like it..i really like it...
i have so much to learn, so many things to juggle...lots of paperwork, but i am managing, once i get the unit caught up and adjust some routes, i think it will be ok.... i am sure i will have some horrid days, but for the moment... i am liking it. whew!

first day in new station

saturday i went to the station, it is being run by all people under 30...for the most part that is. i am impressed....i am also impressed at the cleanliness of the building as it used to dark and scary.

i am as nervous as a cat.... but saturday went ok..today i will be assigned wint.. a community that is on the water and the carriers will be mine.... i look forward to the challenge as it will be a new challenge for me being as the decisions will be mine. more learning, always more to learn...

I pray for strength after the beating I took.

two days til i am doomed? i wonder

i wonder as i take this path if this is a mistake... like so many of the mistakes one makes but --- no one forced it upon you...
everyone in my station likes me, the carriers are good to me and even when they are messing with me, they still like me.

i dislike some of them because they try to screw with me, me being new, but it is just the way it has to be. i am so tired of having to not deal with them on my own basis.

now mike d seems to like me just fine. so i dont know what i did...tb has been different to me though. so .... something must have happened either inside his head or else where....

barbara has always been nice to me.... we did never go over my evaluation but hey what can i say....

now that jerk sj needs to be proven wrong... i just cant wait is all i can say.

bring it on.
one day left in the station

thank god...
but what ever nightmare i might enter ...that i am not too sure about.

Tuesday

got through the day--- it is true I am so unhappy, js is correct about that, but why wouldnt i be unhappy with the way i have been treated.... Fred is supportive but then again he is not in my shoes and he is just not getting my own reservations about the entire situation ...is it worth it... he says money...i am thinking more like moving out of the cs position into one where i dont have to deal with the carriers .... i am sick of the entire facade that is coming about through this process...suffering for sure. i dread graduation... f.this i feel like saying

getting by

well i was almost axed from the program. my coach who is supposed to meet with me a bunch of times during this process did not approve of my promotion. it went before the board and they voted ok to let me pass with reservations. i have my own reservations. but i am going to be quiet still....and just go in an do my best to do a good job, i dont know how i can learn anything from someone who doesnt see that he doesnt want to teach me. i am the loser though because i do not have the power that he has ...or bc had that obvicously went elsewhere. but what hurts me, what truly hurts me deeply is that my integrity has been questioned. And I said that to my coach. You have questioned my integrity. That bothers me. It is going to be a long day, and Valerie says, I have been labeled. I think that is absolutely true, by whom I do not know. Censured is what should be written. No new job is easy but i am worried about selling out my soul. more because i am not recognized for what i know but what i dont know. and well i just cant believe dg said anything bad about me..

Training I dont wan

Training  I don’t want to forget

More of THE FIRM

I have one week to go in this program.  I am a bit dismayed for I am wondering just what will happen to me.  Will I quit?  Will I be assigned an early or a late end?  Will I end up in a big station or a small station?  

It really doesn’t matter to me, for the truth is I will still just be only an ASP graduate, but I will be a “real” supervisor which has been my goal since deciding to try to get into the program.

I feel lucky that I was trained by Dawnmaire my first few weeks as I really had a lot to learn.  She was patient with me, and also followed protocol that we were taught in class.  But the last few weeks have been a horror show for me, first being put with Brian Coyne who flunked someone out of our class, and then tried to flunk me too, because I dated to say that every station was different.  

Now here I am again in a situation that I have tolerated but certainly have not excelled in.  The first day I was with Tom B he trashed my class Too many ptf’s that don’t know the business.  I know people who have been 204b’s for 5t years that were not taken into the program….etc.  How much am I supposed to just say ok ok….
And stuff was  brought up---
Information about our class that only people in the class could or should know.  Humm, who is the informant.  

Then of course, Janet Gomes flunked out.  “She’s the first one we’ve lost”  Yeah, well what can I say.  I don’t know why Janet didn’t pass, she only needed a 1. In my mind she either wasn’t trained or she just blew the test.  TB and all the other supervisors talk about the financial supervisor all the time behind her back.  It is really disgusting.  This is not a good place for me to be but I am just going to deal with it.

Week 2.  More of the same, questioned without being taught.  Not allowed to really do anything.  David Y the manager was leaving.  I requested to do a service talk, No one said wait, The entire episode was chaotic.  Tom B spends most of his time in the office and on the phone.  He bangs the desk with his fist while working things out on paper, he’s actually pretty scary.  Not someone I would call for help.  Jim Holland reamed him for inaccurate projections.  I need to learn that stuff but he is not teaching me and that sucks.

Office hours change, street hours never change.  I don’t make myself clear enough.  How can I when I feel so intimidated.  I am putting on the face and going with the flow as soon as I graduate I am going to get someone to teach me what I need to know.  Right now I am just going to put up and shut up, I’ve been in enough trouble.
God help me is all I can say.






Week 15

This week has been a nightmare.  I called  ville  the week before trying to do the right thing.  

Barbara have a nice vacation.
Do you want me to work Saturday?
What time should I report?

I was informed that Jillian was shooting her mouth off.  That the manager of Cheut Hill was brought into pedc.  

My thoughts, Well what do you want me to say?  
What happened?  

Well that girl has just made herself a bunch of enemies.

Ok Tuesday reported to work.  TB says nothing.  He is at the supervisors stand up desk instead of the office.   I go to the computer in the office and start some morning work…The printer is not working.  I go to the stand up desk where Tom tells me we need a new cartridge etc….

I ask--- How is everything?
Good.
What’s going on?
Not much,

Tom works the number in Tacs and Doir.  He says nothing to me.
Later he asks, “: Have you done an 1838?”  Yes I answer.  He takes me to case--- you’re going to count out Keefe.  
It is 7:30 the carriers are coming in.  He counted the mail etc.  I start the count down I am working.  Jen Bren prf comes to the case instead of Keefe.  I still count her.  She declined to count herself.  It is about 8.  I go to Tom and Mike DeM at the stand up desk.  “You are going to work the floor.”  Tom B says.

I ask well what has been done, what has been put into Dois.  He says all the paper work is done.  I really dislike this man; he is just not a good trainer.  Great Supervisor, no doubt but not a good trainer.  Just like Be Cy, knows the job but doesn’t know hoe to teach it.  Arghh more of the same shit…

Later I go into the office TB is in a snit about having to change and adjust clerk schedules because the other supervisor, who was a clerk, doesn’t do her job, at least according to TB.  

The oppression I felt was horrid.

At the end of the day, I spend time trying to pry open TB’s mind.  We have a talk that I think he productive.  
I found out the only reason why I was on the floor was because Jim Holland called.  He wants to know if you can work the floor?“Well” I asked, “What do you think?”
“I don’t know.”


Well that was honest, how could he know.  First of all, the first two weeks in the station I followed Barbara around like a puppy.  The carriers even made jokes about it.  But hey, that goes with the territory.  

The next week, Barbara let me count mail and work with the carriers, but she sells the time, and when she is off one morning as I was selling time, Mike Do takes the clipboard from me, like I was doing something unthinkable.  The look on his face was one of horror.  I know they are thinking, she’ll sell out the ship.  There was no feedback about anything.  I request my evaluation from BH two days in a row, Friday and Saturday….and was told, don’t worry about it.  I will get it to you.  

That week was ok, but Barbara didn’t have me do any of the time changes that are regularly done … ?  Nor could I do the schedule, “Not my schedule!” she said.

What am I supposed to do?  She also said, “When I was in training I wasn’t allowed to do anything?”  Hummm what is up with this…. I hear that a lot.

There is no consistency in the program that is the truth about the trainers…..

Anyway…Back to TB  -- so how could he evaluate my floor performance or any of my performance… So he let me know that I was going to work the floor and he wss going to be hard on me.

So yesterday, he reamed me for not pivoting because we had 18 extra hours in the office.  And I didn’t even ask him, why would I ask him anything, every time I asked him something he seemed annoyed.  When I asked him Thursday what his impression of the day was, he said he hadn’t made the decision yet.  We were under in DOIS and I knew it.  But I just let it go… I had saved time even though I had to run the list.  Did he say anything to me on Friday, no he didn’t.  He looks at me as a lesser because I was a clerk, not a carrier.  What a big head this man has!  

About the 18 hours, I would have loved to say to him, well let me see, you did the schedule, You called in the entire F set to cover the day when you didn’t need to.  If you hadn’t called in every person I could have pivoted people, but You called them in for 8, and you think I am going to send home the two subs who get the shit end everyday,  That would not be how I treat my complement.  For another fact, You think that I don’t know that Ed L was on a tirade in ally 58 because of the steward election.  I was down there, but I did not intervene, I am only here next week, and it is not my place to get involved in something that has been going on in this station for months, and this employee felt obligated to voice his opinion.  That is necessary for the work force to be able to speak.
So then he went on about the mail flow, hey, I was paying attention, I was the one who made sure Dale was going to do the hub, I also didn’t answer about the iop report because if I said that to you again, I was afraid you would take my head off again as you did a couple of weeks ago.

More stuff was said this week about my class, and about Jillian.  Really I felt like saying, you are so big headed….. TB the great! whooptido

However the same courtesy is not afforded to me, for I don’t even have as much power as a 204b, I cant go out on the street and do any kind of street work without someone, I can’t do 3971’s even though the manager told me to do so, but I didn’t say to him, Mike I cant do them, T B told me so.  I am so sick of this.

He says I miss volume but I didn’t miss volume: they inflate their volume, they also don’t count their curtailment.  I am so pissed right now it is not funny.  I need counseling from this.    Is this the way it is going to be when I get to a station?

If my manager hammers me because I mess up, fine and dandy, but my trainer  hammers me without me messing up, or about me messing up because I go to him or I don’t go to him.  Geesh.  God help me!!!

My trainer is not training me, he is testing me.  Had I know I was going to have to jump through hoops, I might not have even bothered to try to succeed.  My entire disposition toward the program has changed.  It sucks.  

My friend is also complaining that they too are not getting the training they need.

Some are left to sit and do nothing, others are told to do mundane tasks.  Others are told to be quiet.  Others are told you don’t cut the mustard.  When I get through I am going to write something about this to the postmaster.  I best wait for if I open my mouth now they probably won’t pass me.  

It is the FIRM

papercollector

more of the same

went to class today... of course there were the same issues...
reminders that we are still trainees and expected to behave in such a manner
reminders that we have yet to graduate
it is bull shit...
threatening is what I call it
again not allowed to question, or when we question given non specific answers.
i will see where i am assigned next week i really dont give a shit what they do coz it is bs
giving someone no credit for what that person knows is a degrading and a force in itself....

and well my trainer who said ...ill give you a good one gave me a great one until she evaluated me on stuff I didnt do with her, how can she evaluate such things. Ive really had it with the entire process, and right now I feel like quitting. I feel as if I am selling my soul to get someplace... it is like academia... games games games...God give me strength

Good Friday

It is the Friday before Easter. I don't have to work having worked til 5 am... but I am exhausted even though I slept well from about 5 til 9 30... I guess 4.30 hours just doesnt do it for me anymore--6 straight is workable, even though I rested on the sofa i still am exhausted...eyes tired no energy tired, but it is really nice outside. Johnny is here for the day and being patient with his tired grandmother. I do feel okay though, 2 weeks left to the program or 10 working days. Two classroom days, 7 days in the station and one graduation day. We get to invite 2 people but I've invited only one, my husband ---i sorted invited my mother, but i dont think she really wants to come, it would be a hassel for her to come up from the cape... Everyone else has school or work so that's that's except for dil...and well, She just drives me mad. She left today before I even got up, she knew Johnny was coming and it is obvious to me that she doesnt like to share the house with the child, which is total bs because he is my grandson too And I am happy to have him here. When will she get over herself? that's what I am wondering. And actually, I wish she would get a job so they could afford to move out, but i dont see that happening either. this journal is becoming a whine mobile. arghhh.

travel..and unravel...or raveling

humm... drove about 5 hours tonight between going to nwb nashua nwb and back to beantown.... my leg is kicking up badly. tomorrow i will have the two boys, go to build a bear and pray it isnt raining for i wanted to take them to the park. it is 2 am ...we were dimissed abit early which was good. i dont know how much more of this we can all take. two weeks after tomorrow and i have to call my trainer and Vf to find out what is going on with that. the last week we will only have two days in the station whoopee and everyone says report to new job on saturday..also take time off...well i am not putting in for time until i see where i end up and then from there. i would like to have some time off in the summer ...everyone laughs.

got into an argument with jilliam..the girl just doesnt get it... of course the state has standards of learning...i could seriously have some issues with that girl.

more of the same...

no evaluation from my trainer yesterday.... vf says.... call her up get her to do her job. it is so frustrating having to ask people to do their jobs. it just sucks. it is so frustrating to be in this program and have all my classmates feel like i feel. we only have 2 plus weeks left and it is torture. God help us all!

as time goes by

i never wonder about the past, but often about the future, not any more than when i was younger though... i am more fearful of "losing" not wealth, but health, more fearful of "losing" touch with my inner self, and bowing down to the minions.... the other day an argument of sorts took place. a person i work with who has 4 children also, the oldest is 10, the youngest still an infant...

---he said.....i am going to direct my children to where i want them to be. my daughters will be nurses, my son -- he's in sports, he's making connections, I know he wont be a bobby orr but he is still making connections that will be useful for getting a job in a high paying position later in life...

he continued,

it isn't about being happy it is all about money...

i said -- not everyone can be a nurse....
he said....there are other types of nursing careers...
i said, but who wants to be one? a very difficult choice....
and then he said...my wife is a teacher she made a bad choice, she cant teach while the kids are home...
sure she could, i could have continued to argue but why bother...

there are always choices one has to make and from there things are decided...
career / no career
business / arts / humanity / science / politics / education / how many fields
and where is the money?

money does matter but it isnt the only satisfaction in life

i have learned to do without many times in my life, not just clothing but going out, new cars, new lots of things that really just get old and need to be thrown out after awhile... entertainment... ---- you name it, i've gone without because living life and being happy doesnt necessitate always having the best of every "thing" to me, the best part of my life is my relationship with my husband,
integrity, respect and a love that people dream of ...but it has not come about easily....

my innocence in youth perhaps helped me upon this path, but the truths i have witnessed as i have aged and watched my children grow have given me a vision i really dont care to see or to know but nonetheless i have to accept...
still for myself... i choose
for life and living,

the drive to no where
a walk in the woods, or a hike in the hills
lazing on the beach from 9 til sunset
reading and swimming
sleeping til noon
or staying in bed all day and night ... til the next day... if i could
staying up late and watching a good movie even though i know i have to work the next day
making a great dinner and having a small group over for conversation
my family coming together impromptly
and children who have opinions but dont have to argue --- could this be possilbe?

i choose simplicity
if only it were that simple

another week gone...

down to only 3 weeks minus one day left. am i going to make it? I best because I never want to have to go through this shit again. Sometimes I really second guess this reality, but then again, I know what is out there is not worse than what i have to deal with. There are three bids still up west roxbury, quincy, two in cambridge and a few more places whoa... what will I be looking at in May...hum hum hum

pouring out

rain washes the earth today, sometimes rain can be so dirty, i wonder what we are doing to our planet or so that is the way of nature, maybe to earthy crunchy but it is true, mankind rages havoc with the planet...

read today zimbawee however you spell it as i have to go to work, age 36 ..life expectancy. i would most likely be dead if i lived there. sad and tragic.

i think about what i can be thankful for and i am...
i just hope my husband gets well...he has been having trouble with his reflux and it gets upsetting to see him suffer

off to work to deal with the carriers, i will just let Barbara sell as i dont want to give the house away.

i know it wont be easy when i am sent wherever but at least i will be able to have some initiative without being watched at every moment. arghhh God help me get through this.

1:30

time moves on. it is strange to me that i write stuff and post it and then see spelling etc. errors later, but it really doesnt matter coz this stuff is to clear my head and work through the crap i am going through.

now tb has been off and it has been a good couple of days. bh and i get along fine. i am really thinking that alot of men have problems with women in the workplace... Especially if it is a smart man who meets a smart woman, intimidation seems to be the way they progress. now i haven't had any other problems with any of the other people in the office. even those who bark...and i did find out about a barker... and i could write about that one, but since i will only be there this week and then i get a break from them maybe i best just try to get out of the place... unscathed.... for what ever it is worth i just really can't wait til this is over ...it is like torture.

on the home side there was a terrible blow up the other day... and well i just dont know how much more i can take. i am not going to sacrifice the health and well being of the entire family because i have one tyrant child ---man. i see this as his challenge to get over his control freak, and abusive behavior...... then he would be a really great person.
so i hope for this. until then may God help us All!

i have to pay my taxes this weekend or by the 15th .... boo hoo... that would have been a nice vacation.

inspiration and hope

well it is 5 am and i am trying to get myself together to go back to this place that i dont really want to go to ...so it is a challenge. It is so weird when you have to sit down and look at yourself and say, what did i do to create this situation, and then assess what you can do to fix things. i dont really know how to fix things because with them i never knew i was saying anything that would shock or horrify or otherwise insult them until i had already said it, so here is Tuesday and I have to work straight through Saturday which is not very appealing to me, not because I dont want to work, but because of the weight of the oppression i feel.... just sucks.
but I will try to be positive and build upon the negatives (even if I disagree) I will not say anything about anything but just go in and run report and educate myself as that is the way it appears to me that I have to do. I obviously appear incompetent and that is not good. Especially since I know I am not. I am totally trying to keep my nerves intact. This really really sucks.

On the other hand...yesterday while in my usual doodles I came across a theme for some work which i hope I will create... So if i make it through this i might actually do some artwork and some more writing besides all this whinning and get on with things.

i hate being a grown up. it is much easier to play in a world where there are no responsibilites and you can just do what you want when you want.

i suppose the opposite of BIG would be me. let me be little again with my innocence intact, without the knowledge of the world and what it does to people and dreams and families and the innocents themselves. the burden of knowledge is sometimes too great. it is a weight that can imprision ones mind and being, it is also a tool though however if you are an educated person working with those who think you think you are something better than those who are not educated that can sometimes cause great strife. fear...who is this person ...what is he she trying to prove.

arghh i must get on with this

more of the old

There is nothing like the dread that comes, like being a little kid and not doing your homework, the feeling like, I'm in for it. That is how I feel. I am so worn out by this entire process it is disgusting that I am still in it.
Last night I said I was gong to quit, if this is what things are like now, what are they going to get to be like. only worse before better.

quitter that's what was said -- dont be a quitter... they are trying to push you out because of fear, or jealousy or some other motivation

what is the motivation behind the conversation. what a horrid why to go through all of this
with 4 weeks less it is Mom's way, put up and shut up, dont say a word-- it is obvious that other supervisors feel threatened when a person comes in and views their operations and see that things are not the way the instructors are instructing, never mind the fact that it is sooo difficult to work with a group that identifies themselves as such and if you are not in that group watch out. The select fews have "chit chats" about those who are not, it is highschool again and it is bs. I was never like that in High School why would I be that way now?

dream

For the past few weeks I've had this horrid dream that wakes me up, and sends me running out of the bed, it is so real that I cannot rest again until I've talked to all of my kids, ...I am sleeping and I hear a horrid cry, Mom, Mommy and then I wake up. The cry seems as it if is real life, I wonder if my soul is suffering.

I've also had bad dreams about the po. Never mind the daydreaming on how to deal with the situation, but my daughter reminded me that the po sucks. She reminded me of how many supervisors have an fantastic attitude about what they do, they are great and you suck... She reminded me of all the reasons why I wanted to leave the place, and here I am going some place on the career path that is the opposite to all that I am.

I will be silent in class tomorrow as much as I can be. The oppression has to stop!!! I believe in myself and that counts for alot if you ask me.

thinking

my soul is reaching out and feeling what is this that has come about
what karmic lesson or what new journey, what do i not want to become
I certainly do not want to become that which I have visited or been priviledged to bear witness to, why would I
the negativity is great.

I will bear with it.
Only one week in this station and then I have a break from them thank God, then I will be with the ass alone, and what will happen then I do not know, but personally I really dont care.

He doesnt see himself.
I try to see myself everyday, but that doesnt mean I dont see myself as a fool wandering a path back and forth
questioning, is this worth it?
I ve been through so much shit it really sucks,
I am just trying to do something for my family to make our lives a bit better
I didnt get here through the help of anyone but myself, i did higher level I didn a 991 i did pass the interview, and the tests and the first section of the training, and now to be berated just because I mention something where does that put me, do i want to co operate, no i want to run
I want to run so fast it isnt funny
Can i change things in the long run?
who knows what are my goals...stay in focus, just stay in focus....

thoughts write it out

i have no way to deal with this really... there is only one thing to do and that is to write it out or else i will go mad. the temptation is too great, i want to call him and say what is your fn problem, what did i do to you, ive had to sit and listen to you on how you think theyve made so many mistakes picking people for the program and other stuff you have said about it, and i have to wonder really what is up your ass? but i dont because it just seems to me that talking to you will get me know where, there should be a joint communication, that is all and i dont think that being questioned is like being taught...but hey so goes the way of the world,
you cant show someone how to do something once and expect the person to know it. I think it is just bs that is for sure.
this is such a lonely place,a very lonely place.... not knowing how to handle it, is it worth it, i want to call him and say ...did i do something to piss you off... i want to say to him, what is your problem? but i am not at least for now, my better judgement tells me to let it go and just get on with things...not say a word to b or him about anything for certain they really have made some judgments about me that they are not sharing, but they judge everyone in the office.... it is really sickening. Help!

another bad day

I dont know how much longer I can take the bs. as that is what it is.
Now i am in another situation a team, that I am dividing, how does someone come into a place and disrupt the team>? it is bs. I feel some severe bad energy from him but what can I say. F says let it go. Yes, I want to let it go but it is bs. There is only so much I can take. I'll do this week and be glad to go on to the otherside. It is really ridiculous the feedback that this guy is giving out about my class, and I havent said a word back. God save me from all this!

A Babe Story

Babe Wants a Job


By Connell Mathews



Once upon a time in the Forest of Destiny there was a fairy named Babe. She lived in a pea pod under the Willow Tree down by the grassy knoll. Babe was a special fairy with green eyes, and heartshine, for if Babe was to smile at you, and you were downtrodden, you would be filled with happiness, at least for a little while.

When Babe was young she had four flowers that she tended to every day, two pink with silver stems and two blue, with golden stems, but as Babe grew older, so did her flowers, and soon there was a garden that many fairies tended to. The King of the Woodland never assigned another job to Babe, so often, time was her own, and Babe was free to do what ever she pleased.

Babe loved to travel. Sometimes, she would visit the Land of the Humans, and other times she would camp out at the Rainbow River and laugh at the leprechauns and elves because they had wild parties where they sang and danced and fell into the water, but none of them could swim. If needed, Babe would use her magic to rescue them. Babe would, of course, visit the Black Rose to hear about things unknown, but often times Babe was alone.

Babe was older now, and a bit wiser, and although some don’t realize it, fairies do get to an age when they are less inclined to roam, however, Babe never lost her fever for discovery.

On one cold day in January, Babe packed her wand in her fairy satchel along with some honey, some magic sprinkles, her notebook, her glasses, and hopped upon her poppy stick and flew.

First, Babe went to visit her sister, Dawn. Dawn only came out when the sun was down, that was the kind of fairy she was. Dawn was the oracle for the littlest ones and very busy all night long. When Dawn saw Babe, she whispered aside, “Hey, hey, and they fluttered their wings and hugged. I’m so glad to see you.”

Babe watched Dawn work through the night, exhausted in the morn; Dawn fell asleep as they talked. Babe pouted, “Why hadn’t the King of the Woodland given her another job.” When dusk came Dawn awoke, but she was too busy to visit with Babe: two new fairies were coming their way. Babe hugged her sister good bye and went on her way, but she didn’t have a way.

Babe felt a tear in her eye as she flew. There was nothing here or there, there was nothing new, or so she thought until she wasn’t paying attention and into a hole in a Redwood tree she flew.

Bump, Bump, Bump, Babe bumped down through the trunk of the tree, down through all ledges that lead to limbs, and roots. Down into the ground Babe found herself covered with dirt and goo.

“Arghh!” Babe shouted at herself, “How could this have happened? Where am I? How could this be, no one is allowed to make tunnels under trees.”
Babe tried to fly up, but her wings were covered with goo. Her poppy stick was stuck above her, but she couldn’t reach it either. Babe looked around and searched for something she could climb on, but there was not-a thing she could use.
She took off her fairy satchel and looked for her whistle, but she didn’t have it, she’d forgotten it. Oh, what was Babe to do?

Babe sat down and began to cry. She hadn’t cried for a very long time, at least one hundred years, she thought. Why was she crying now? She was older and wiser, and, and, she lost her thoughts as she whimpered for a Big Rat, with a very large head and missing tooth was coming toward her. He was smacking his lips and breathing through the hole where his tooth was missing. Babe wondered if he was going to try to eat her.

Taking out her magic sprinkles, Babe tried to hide, but the goo made the dust disappear. Babe backed up further and further into the tunnel as the Rat moved closer and closer toward her.

Finally Babe stopped, “What do you want?”
But the Rat didn’t speak; he just kept gnashing his one big tooth.
Babe held out her fairy wand, “Please, I don’t want to hurt you.”
But the Rat put out his paws, with long nails, he grabbed her fairy wand and snapped it, and then he snatched her fairy satchel away.
Babe tried to flutter her wings again, but the goop was just too thick.
“Help help” cried Babe, but soon she found herself in a cage.
“He, he,” snarled the Rat, “I’ve got myself a fairy.”
“He he,” the Rat snarled some more, "And I’ve got her fairy satchel. What does she have in here?” said the Rat as he emptied the contents onto the tunnel floor.

Babe moved back as far as she could from the paws of the Rat,”Who are you?” She hollered. “What are you doing building a tunnel beneath the Redwood trees, you know that is not allowed? Wait till the King of the Woodlands finds out. You'll be thrown from the Forest of Destiny, just you wait and see.”

The Rat paid her no mind, he didn’t even introduce himself, he put on her glasses, and then glared at Babe in the cage.
“You’ll see,” said the Rat, “You are no threat to me, and neither is the King. I’m going to catch the King of the Woodland, too, and then I will be King! And then what will you do?” The Rat bellowed so loud his sound shook all the under land of the Woodlands, but he was so big headed he never even realized it.






Far away, in the castle of the King, reports came in from all over the Forest of Destiny. “Earthquake.” “Earthshake.” “Tremors.” “Catastrophe.”

“How could that be?” questioned the King. “Bring the Moles before me, I must have a report. Have them investigate immediately and report their findings 1, 2, 3.”

Within the hour the Moles reported, “Sire, there is something odd, we’ve found a series of tunnels beneath the Oldest Redwood tree. They are lined with goo and we are unable to travel through. The goo attaches to our feet and makes us unable to move.”

The King was worried. He agreed to meet the Moles at the site to investigate this himself. He brought along a team of engineers, one scientist, and the chief wizard to assist.



Babe sat in the cage deep in the tunnel. The Rat glared at her from time to time. “Maybe he is sad,' Babe thought to herself. So Babe began to grin and she smiled, perhaps her heartshine would help her. But the Rat glared back at her,” What do you think, this is funny? You stupid fairy. I know all about you. I know you are the King's favorite and he will come to rescue you.”

“The King doesn’t even know I am here,” said Babe. “You better send him a ransom note.”
The Rat shook his head, “I don’t have to listen to you. I know what I’m going to do," and without even looking before he leapt, he went up through the tunnel, as if he was going up through a shoot.
Babe sat down and tried to reach for her satchel, but it was no use.

When the Rat jumped out of the hole, he found himself inside a trap. The moles, the engineers, and the scientists had planned it.

The Rat was angry,” He was spitting ashes as he spoke, “You think you’ve got me, but there's something you don’t know. And I’m not going to tell you, so you better let me go.”

The King spied into the trap, he saw the glasses on the Rat. He knew immediately that they were Babes and he whispered to the wizard, "Babe must be saved."

The wizard blew into the tunnel and the goo dissipated. Down into the hole climbed the moles.
Babe was sitting on the lock of the cage trying to open it,”Oh Oh, thank-you, thank-you, you’ve come to save me. Hey, how did you know to rescue me?”
The moles told Babe the King had sent them.
But how did he know? Babe wondered, but then the chief mole held out her glasses,
“Oh you’ve caught the Rat, how fantastic!”



The next week, Babe made an appointment to visit the King.
“Oh, Sire," she asked, “Why don’t you give me a job?”
And the King replied, “But Babe don’t you see, you have not one, but many. You’ll find them on your own, and don’t think that I won’t know.”

With that Babe was happy. She went home for a bit, but Babe knew when it struck her fancy, that something was not yancy in the Forest of Destiny, it was time for her to roam.

C 2006

just going on

It is Saturday and all is ok. I am maintaining, but I've come to the realization that there are no "standards" for those who are participating in this program. By standards, I mean standards of knowledge, standards of ability, and in some ways standards of ethics. For instance, one student isn't held to knowing and doing as much as another student. It all depends upon who the trainer is or trainers are. And the ethical standard is the fact that one trainer can completely destroy a student and there is no punitive action as far as I can see.

I think that after 10 years of having this program that things would be different, but I guess that isn't the case. It is the typical p way, if you try to fix it, it will cost a ton of money so... why bother....

I think that one of the problems is that fact that trainers do not receive compensation. If they did, they might be inspired to teach and do it with good intentions.

Now, my first trainer was fantastic, she taught me a lot, and she had patience, and also a way of being that was a match for me. She certainly help me to excel. On the other hand, the second trainer was an egotistical maniac from the first 15 minutes I spent with him til the infamous last.

Now, here I am in a completely different situation. A situation of team leadership and a group of s. who work together. I have never seen so many s's in one place. But I don't say anything for fear of stirring up the pot. So, here I am in a weird situation, more so because I have a certain standard, a certain expectation, as a teacher and also as a trainee. To me it would have been beneficial if they let me try to manage the floor and fill in where I need help, oversee me so to speak. However, they let me get used to the place, so that is good too. Learning....I am taking my vision as it is, keeping my mouth shut, and watching.

I gave my first safety talk to the group on Friday. They seemed positive and receptive, and actually very nice. I kept it short and sweet, talked about the spring, "watch out for that winter clutter and your daydreaming." Hazards. etc.
D. the manager was supportive...he even winked at me... I feel as if he had some insight into me. Yes, I like to be told I am doing a good job.
I bet he knows D G. hummm

Anyway... on the other hand no feedback good or bad from my trainer (s). Coached by B and that was about it. I like her. She is straight and serious, but funny too. A little different than me. She says "I was wild as a teen." One might think I was but I wasn't. I had my days but for the most part I have been serious my entire life, it is difficult for me to have fun. What is my problem....


At work.... The problem is that I know how to do many of the functions, I just wish they would let me do them. And I am sure it is going to happen very soon. So I am not worried about it at all. I will worry then. Her count is different than mine... so where will we go from here.

On the home front, well, I have a bunch of freeloaders and a son who wants freedom, which is fine, but he needs to do it on his own time and get the chip off his shoulder.

My girls are hard workers, my boys... well they are hard workers too, but there's a difference in the maturity rate between them. I see it in all of them regardless of what they see.

Today is a cleaning day on the list... Laundry, all the ceiling fans, and the front porch. Also I want to see if we can somehow trim that tree out back. I will have to call the tree company, something I really dont want to do, but.... I think it is a good idea before the leaves come in.

It is really getting to be nice out. H is too sensitive about stuff I say, and that I don't know how to fix. If I say to her, you are too sensitive, I am sure she will get pissed. Oh well, sometimes silence is the best thing...Just do what I have to do. Laundry, the porch, and the tree, main focuses today....

I'll tkae my lousy 2.6 and do on, managing myself as best that I can. It is what I should have gotten last week. Being an over achiever sucks, what week was that...11... only 5 more weeks of this shit then onto something else.... plus i have to bid after I get through.... on with the day.

out of there and something new

i was moved from the hellish situation to a situation that is a take it as it goes situation. this is good. i am still worried though having been put through all that shit.
my classmates are all signing up to take cpr april 18th...they want me to join them. i am wondering if we have a class... i will have to see it would be fun to just do something with ourselves.
for certain my nerves have been shot, i haven't written anything for fun or enlightenment or anything but sanity maintaining devices for weeks, how depressing.
the spring is coming and ive had no energy as it is spent all over
give me strenght to get over this, and to stop watching the calendar.
but .... i dont...so let life go on and me too...cheers cheers to the right ness that sometimes happens.
if i was my sister i would go to the drs in phoenix about her neck... all the worry is just not good. that is what i always tell people...dont sit and stew ...go to the drs and have a chew!
live love and laugh oh yeah

the horror of it all

Monday

B my trainer was off. I worked with the other supervisor, T who is very nice and the manager, S J who is great too. The day went relatively smoothly. I was not responsible to work the floor.
The area manager, J called and apparently said to T that I should be running the floor. T said it aloud.
We laughed, and I said, “They did tell us they wanted us to run the floor when we went to our next station.”
S said, “We’ll give you time to know the place.”
T ran the floor; I help as much as I could. I have a lot to learn. T said they count the sprs here in the dispatch. I don’t know what to thing or do, mixed messages. T was just as unsure, she didn’t even realize that she needed to count the curtailed mail for Dois. She is new too and usually does only the financial.
I’ll ask B when I see him tomorrow. All stations are little different, that I know.
I used the DCD without writing down the numbers for the first time and made a mistake. I knew it but I didn’t know how to fix it, although I tried, the other supervisor didn’t know how to fix it either. It was a relativity ok day. S J. is very supportive

Tuesday

I met B while coming through the door. I hung up my coat and went to find him. He was counting the mail in a hamper. I asked him if they counted sprs, as I had been trained to not count them in W R. He told me that he counted them as flats, 115 pieces. He also said there was a certain amount of letter mail at 1.75 feet per tray. I said that “I was previously taught that there is 2 feet of mail per tray.” He was still moving the mail in the hamper and the clerks were there. He told me specifically, “Where did you learn that?”
I said, “W R.”
He said, “I don’t care what you learn in West Roxbury or anywhere.” Adding “and I don’t want to know who told you what.”

I followed him into the office and explained that I had never used the DCD as in W R they didn’t have one, but I had tried the day before. I also explained about the DCD mistake, I had made the day before. He went through various processes and fixed it. His tone was gruff with me. Again he said to me, “I don’t want to know about W R” And I said,” I guess there are differences in every station.”
He replied brusquely,” NO there are no differences in any stations.”
Then I said,” But I was taught it was 2 feet per tray and you say it is 1. 75 so that is a difference.”

As B sat at the computer I mentioned that there were a “ton” of service talks in the office. He asked,” What do you mean?”
To be more specific I said, “We’ll there are two here a VOE and an OSHA, and also three on the clip board. Can I give one today?”
“No,” he said without any explanation. I was taken back by his response and as I had no reason as to why he wouldn’t let me or want me to do a service talk especially when there were so many to do. I mentioned that J called the day before and said he wanted me to run the floor.
B said, “Yeah” and I shrugged my shoulders. And then I added that “that was what they told us in class.”
B told me sternly to be quiet and listen and added, “I have to grade you on your listening skills and the feedback I am getting from you is that they are not where they should be.
By this time I was upset, and I was defensive as I said, “I am a 48 year old woman, who has 4 kids. I am a certified teacher and I have excellent listening skills.”
I added that, “I didn’t know what his expectations of me were, and that I was fearful of him being my trainer as he had already deep sixed someone in my class.”

He asked me boldly,” Do you think that is what you deserve?” And I said “No I do not’ just as sternly back.

He barked at me to stop talking and to listen to him, leaning his face toward mine, reiterating that he “didn’t want to hear what I had to say. He instructed me to “be quiet and listen. You are still in training and I am your instructor.” I fuddled words,” Are you saying I can’t ask you questions” I was nervous as he was speaking to me as if to put me in my place.
Sternly, he said, “See you are still talking back to me, when I told you to sit and be quiet and listen. What I heard from you was that you are telling me that I don’t know my job.”
I said, “I didn’t say that.”
B reprimanded me again. I sat quietly, in shock from the exchange of words, totally berated and washed out. A little while went by I didn’t say another word, and then about 9 or 9:30 B left as he said to me he had a Drs. Appt.

I was upset, but did what I could on the computer and the workroom floor. B left me no instructions.
I was so upset I called my coach and left a message with my cell phone number.
I also spoke to S J.. He knew I was upset. He listened with understanding.

When I got home I called a classmate and also T Q, my old manager, who gave me advice and support.



Wednesday

I arrived before 5:30 and immediately found B counting the mail. I asked him about the count. I followed him around while he went into the office. He sat at the computer and did the entire computer work. I was pretty quiet. I asked if I could count the mail with the DCD. He said, “Yes” but never gave me any instruction nor did he try to talk to me about using the DCD. I counted the mail and gave the DCD to him to check. He never said a word. About 10 or 15 minutes later he came to me and said I had “missed something on the floor and I was to go and find it.”

I found I had not counted a tub of mail the clerks had dispatched to the carrier since the count, when I told B, I found a foot, he said and what about rte 21, and he took me there and reprimanded me in front of the carrier and then walked away. I was following him as I tried to explain that that mail was not originally there.
B smirked at me.
I said, “I am not making an excuse, but that mail wasn’t there.”
He reprimanded me by saying,” You are saying you are not making excuses but you are. You are responsible for the mail count.”
I agreed, and felt belittled and unfairly criticized as the mail he was referring to was mail that the clerks had place near the cases after I had done the original count.
I had not counted the mail the carriers were to sweep at 7:30 upon their report. I felt disheartened and confused. I had no specific instructions and B’s attitude made me feel insecure as if I was hanging by a thread. Instead of supporting my efforts, and specifying instructions to me, he let me fail to count the mail for the carriers’ first sweep and he emphasized my mistake.

( I had no idea of the procedures for the carriers in this office. I figured it out that they like W R punched in and swept. In N Q where I worked prior, the carriers usually went to their cases and then swept.)

I followed B to the office where he continued to do the computer work.
I looked at the reports and reported to B, just as S J popped into the office, that the street/office scans were low. S gave a service talk about scanning. B did all the computer work. I watched quietly. Later B did some stamp counts and transfers and I watched and asked questions. We did not argue. Later, we talked about next week’s area safety talk and he said “Why, you have never been?”
I said, “No, why would I?”
He said, I could attend the one next week and I said I thought that would be good. I also told him about my conversation with one of the carriers using a broken u cart and the conversation I had with the union steward about the situation of the Ucarts in the unit being a safety hazard. B emailed someone to find out about getting more.
He made no comment good or bad.
He left about 12:30 as he said he had to order stamps. He didn’t ask me any questions or give me any feedback on the day.
The day was someone ok.

Thursday, I arrived at my usual time before 5:30 and started counting the mail, I didn’t see B. I took a count sheet out of the office, as I am new, and I don’t remember the numbers and I want to have a reference for the mail count coming into the office. I counted the mail and B was there. I said hi and followed him into the office where B and I had, what I thought was a productive conversation while he was checking his email and we did check the delivery truck.
It was 7:10 when B said that he hadn’t done the DOIS and TACS and I could do it adding the he “couldn’t actually understand why I wasn’t already doing it.”
I just looked at him, but I wanted to say, “why didn’t you say that earlier?” and also “how could I when you have been on the computer?”
I felt under the gun, but was grateful for the opportunity to perform some supervisory tasks.
I printed out reports; B left the office and went to the other side of the building. I had questions. I felt that if I dare make another mistake B would reprimand me again or give me another sign of his disapproval and make me feel more stupid and incompetent.

At 8:30, S wanted his reports. I felt as if B set me up by not allowing me to do the work earlier, but I did have it complete except for one transaction in Tacs.

An aside: B stated in my evaluation that I had made some mistakes in DOIS. If this is true, he never pointed them out to me. It is true that I made two mistakes on the mail count entries into DOIS, but I identified these mistakes immediately and worked to correct them. He never pointed out any mistake I made without me recognizing them first.

I could not get into CSDRS.

I informed B that he would have to do the CSDRS as I had no access. He came into the office and started writing out numbers from reports and I started to ask him questions about why he needed those numbers. He said some for the DPS. I said that I had done that report and I pointed it out to him. He was visibly annoyed with me for pointing out the report. He didn’t say that I did it correctly or incorrectly. I asked him “why?” again about the more numbers he was putting on the back of the Early/Late leaving report and I asked him why he didn’t use the CSDRS delivery helper report. He moved toward my face and sternly told me “When I am instructing you, you are to be quiet and listen. Do not ask me any questions or interrupt until I am through. I was upset, the phone rang, I said, ”Do you want me to get that. He said, “No.” and covered the phone with his hand.

(He did this numerous times when I asked should I get the phone or said “I’ll get it”}

B answered the phone and was talking with a customer. I had a customer request from My PO that I had printed out earlier and I didn’t want to miss the truck driver so I went to take care of the parcel while Brian was on the phone. I left the office to try to find the parcel. The parcel rack is only 10 -15 feet from the office door at most. I labeled the parcel and as I was walking back into the office B called me.
Back in the office, he reprimanded me for leaving while we were doing the report, even though he was on the phone. I said that I was trying to get something else done. He said that I shouldn’t have left because the CSDRS report was due at 10:30 and it didn’t make a difference if he was on the phone. I said, “But I can’t do the report.” B looked at me and told me to sit down and be quiet while he instructed me, he picked out my ASP evaluation from the file rack and read aloud the section on oral communication and pointed out the listening sections. He said to me, as he held the paper in his hand and repeatedly pointed his finger upon the paper, “Look, I have to give you a grade from 0 -4 and I’m telling you, you are not going to make it. I have spoken to K S about you …” at this moment S J was at the door.

I am sure I looked at S, and B, in some horrid way. I felt threatened. The phone rang; it was my coach Joe S. on the phone. I felt as if the phone call was an act of God, the higher power intervened.

I was rescued by my coach. He saved me from another round of B’s whims and moods. He saved me from more reprimanding, belittlement, confrontation, antagonism, and out and out disregard for me as a person.

I was so upset. that as I spoke to J, I could barely talk. We agreed to meet at 1:30 on Friday.

B and I never finished the “discussion” that he began by pointing out to me that I was not going to make it.

Later, just before he left, B said, “Why don’t come in at 6 tomorrow because you will have that meeting?”
I said that, “I feel I should be in at 5 because I want to get used to working the floor and I want to have enough time.” B didn’t say anything else about my desire at that time. Little did I know that he would come back to me with my statement later, and use it to say I was "telling him what to do."

B was leaving at 11:30 or so as he had a meeting in town.
He said, “We’ll start again tomorrow.” Which I thought was a positive, but I was shaken and upset.

I ended up voicing my concerns with S J again, telling him I was upset with how B was talking to me. I felt that if he was my trainer he should be more supportive and less critical.

I called K S in PEDC; I also called one of my classmates, and D P, my trainer, while I was in W R.

I asked DP to please criticize me and tell me what I did wrong as I am doing something wrong. D reassured me that I had the skills I needed to be an effective supervisor. I voiced to D that I felt like this guy was going to give me a bad evaluation and that it didn’t make a difference what I did. D told me to call K S as she was sure my instincts were correct.

K S called me later. He voiced his concerns about my pre-attitude toward B and also stated that he didn’t want to take me out of M. I agreed that I did voice my concerns to V when I was told of my assignment. But V said that “He is a good trainer.” So I said “OK, I’ll go.” Although I was on guard, I do not feel and I still do not feel that I had a pre disposition toward B.

It was my experience with B this week that has lead me to believe that B, no matter what I do from now on, will always view me in a negative manner. I did say to K at the end of the conversation that B did say when he was leaving “We’ll start again tomorrow.” Which I thought was a positive.

I was upset all evening, but still maintained a good outlook. On Friday. I was hoping to let bygones be bygones. My thoughts were, I was going in early so I would have enough time to be organized and run the floor. I would only ask B questions when he was not instructing me. Maybe things would be better.

Friday

I reported to work, took a count sheet, counted the mail, did scheduling with the help of B and did all the reports and followed all the protocol I had learned in W R. B had never given me a protocol nor did he discuss any mistakes I had made in DOIS or Tacs or anywhere else.

When B saw that I was writing down the mail count from the trucks, he informed me that they don’t use that sheet; they just put it into DOIS.
I explained that I wanted the sheet as a reference.
I found I had made a mistake on one seq set in DOIS even though I had B look over the DCD. I saw the mistake and worked to fix it, finally B came into the office and with his help, I did fix it. I thought every thing was going well. I had Tacs and DOIS complete before 7. I had all the mail counted by the time the carriers came in.
I stood at the cases and said hello to everyone so I could see them and get use to calling them by their names.
I went back into the office and tried to complete all the paper work. In-between, I also tried to go out onto the floor to make sure all was working properly. One letter carrier on the schedule didn’t show up because of some miscommunication between certain parties. S and B discussed by the carrier had not shown up. B said he had talked to the carrier Thursday afternoon. B decided to call back a carrier from NQ. I asked should I call her. B said, “Yes.” I did. I thought things were finally working out ok.
Hours needed to be sold, etc. I asked B if I could do a service talk, but he said, “I have some stuff to talk to them about.” I took that as a “No.” I didn’t dare ask him why or say anything else.

B talked to the carriers. I managed DOIS and Tacs and other functions I could perform. I wrote down the numbers for CSDRS on a buck slip. B came in and printed out the Early/Late Leaving report and did the CSDRS. I watched and asked no questions. He didn’t explain what he was doing. He left the office. I found him on the other side of the building doing my evaluation. T, the late supervisor was there.
I asked should I put in the splits, router time and auth. OT or does the late supervisor do it, and I looked at T. He said, “The morning supervisor does it.” I left and continued working in the office.

Off and on through the day S J asked me how things were. I told him ok. And I thanked him for listening to me and supporting me. I also asked him some questions in regards to the procedures for handling a new scanner that came into the office as B was at the other end of the building filling out my evaluation. S gave me some instructions. I did what he told me to do. And I didn’t think that it was out of line for me to ask the manager the question as B was busy.

Later I told B what I had done and he said to me, “I don’t do it that way. S has his own way of doing it.” This lends me to believe that I had again made the horrid mistake of asking someone how something was done in the office without asking B. I was fearful of the reprimand that he was going to give me.

It was after 12:30 when B came into the supervisors’ office with my evaluation. I was finishing up the OT auth in tacs. He told me I didn’t need to put the times in at the end of the day for the OT auth as I have been previously taught. I didn’t not argue with him or ask him any questions but did as he instructed. Then he gave me my evaluation.

I looked it over and felt myself flush. I am sure my distress was visible. B said something to me, but I didn’t even hear him.

I told him that his evaluation was unfair and I state even stronger that it is truly unfair and non objective.

The facts below support my assessment of my trainer’s opinions of my performance, beyond the fact that there is not one positive remark on the evaluation.


I pointed out the homework. He originally checked off, “completed unsatisfactorily.”
I argued, “I didn’t complete my homework.”

I told B about the homework on Wednesday and he said he didn’t know where to find a 2608. I explained that I had looked for a 2608 in the office, but couldn’t find one. He said he didn’t know where to find one either. I also said that I asked, the manager, S where I might find one. S did not know. I also said to B on Wednesday that I found a step A in the plastic tray and pointed to where it was, but we never went over it. And I said that I knew I could find a 2608 on online but I never downloaded it nor did B discuss the situation again as he was out of the office and I felt too intimidated to mention it.

As I reviewed the homework section I said, “My homework was incomplete, not completed unsatisfactorily.”
B retorted,”Why is that? Whose responsibility is that? “
I knew my homework was incomplete but I didn’t care. I knew that I could work on it later and I wanted a chance to talk to J and K about my situation.

I feel that B deliberately set me up to have a negative on the homework evaluation, because although I mentioned it to him three times, he never gave me any feedback about it.
When I argued with his assessment on my evaluation, B was willing to change it because I said to him, “It maybe not completed, but it was certainly not completed unsatisfactorily.”

I would rather have a not completed on my evaluation then to try to discuss the 2608 with him as have to maintain a subservient position as B’s trainee. I have every intention of completing my homework but I wanted to discuss the situation with my coach first.

As we went over the evaluation, I wanted to say to B that he was unfair about the remarks he made as far as Dois and Tacs were concerned as he never showed me any mistakes I had made in DOIS or Tacs. But I remembered earlier that there was an error on a particular carrier, D G. The error didn’t show up in the daily error report. S just happened to be coming by the office and I said, “This is so weird.” I showed him the clean report from earlier. S agreed. He went into Tacs and took out the changes I made to see what would happen. The weekly report showed the errors but not the daily. I made a note of that. B didn’t say anything to me. I apparently made the mistake again of talking to S when I shouldn’t have. I did not do it deliberately but I think that B, because of his statement on my evaluation and also his implicit instructions before I left on Friday that I was not to speak to anyone else but him, was offended.

The DCD evaluation I thought was fair for the time because I had made two mistakes.

The Safety evaluation was unjust and misleading, as he wrote that I “asked to do an OSHA talk on Tuesday but I had yet to do it” or one.

We argued about this, as I said,” I asked you about this Tuesday and you said “NO’ and today when I asked again, you said, ‘I have some things I want to talk to them about’.”
He replied,” I never told you NO.” B’s behavior and answer was a signal to me that he deliberately did not say ‘no’ for a reason. He also did not say “yes” which I would have liked to say to him but I didn’t because it wasn’t worth arguing about.

B did not mention in the evaluation the positive conversations or actions I displayed toward safety while I was in the station.

After the safety talk discussion the agitation grew.

We argued about me reporting to work at 5 instead of 6. He stated “you are not supposed to work ot.” I replied, “Actually, I was told I could.” I pointed out to him that he never said a word the day before when I said I would rather come in early in order to make sure I had enough time to manage the floor.
I said, “I didn’t care about the time that I would see my coach on my own time, that the money didn’t matter to me.”
B said, “If you get into an accident you will be covered under OWCP and you should be on the clock.”
I replied,”It really doesn’t matter to me.”

B verbally bashed me more by pointing out and manipulating situations that took place. He took this time to point out that I had written the CSDRS information on a buck slip instead of on the back of the Early/Late leaving report. I said to him, “But I didn’t do that report.” And he said to me, “but you did write the information down here, which tells me regardless of what I tell you, you are going to do it your way. You changed the overtime desired list; you took people off because S told you to.”
I said, “I was just doing what I thought I was supposed to do.”
He reprimanded me sternly, “The quarter is coming up and those people are just going to ask to be added to the list again.”

I sat there quietly and was instructed again that "You are not to talk to anyone or ask questions about anything from anybody.”

As B’s trainee, I am not allowed to show any initiative, communicate with anyone else but him, and/or ask questions about anything. As B’s trainee, according to his instructions, I am to “sit and be quiet when he is talking to me or instructing me.” I am “not allowed to ask him any questions until he is through instructing me or talking to me.” I am also “not allowed to ask anyone else any questions about anything.” I am not allowed to freely answer the phone if he is in the office with me. If I say “I’ll get that.” Or “Do you want me to get that?” B’s response is always “No” and he puts his hand over the phone and waits for it to ring one more time before he answers it, which tells me that B dismisses my presence as a viable source in handling any phone communications.

As B’s trainee, in the approximately 24 hours I have spent with him, I have been chastised so many times for my actions that I cannot make a sound or move the only acceptable behavior is to be quiet. B gives mixed and no signals about his expectations, and I honestly feel that no matter what I do, I am doing the wrong thing.

In the end, I told B that I thought “he was overly critical, and that in my opinion, a trainer is supposed to support a candidate not just criticize and chastise.” We had many more words between us during which B said, “That is how you feel, but I didn’t make you feel that way, and also it is a matter of perception. He also retorted to me that, “I didn’t need to hear from you, that you are a 48 year old mother, with 4 kids and a teaching certificate.”

I wanted to reply, you left out the part about “and I have excellent listening skills.” But I didn’t.

I just wanted to leave.

We argued about signing the evaluation, for I didn’t want to sign a copy until I talked to J S. He questioned me on why was that. And I said that,” Joe was my coach and I wanted to see what he had to say.” B pointed out the clause about not agreeing with the assessment, so I did sign a copy for him. B tried to give me a copy for J, but I told him that I had to sign the evaluation first. I took only the original, and left the copy with Brain.

I gave the original to my coach J S.. I signed it with the statement that said that I felt the evaluation was unfair. I do not have a copy for myself. I feel humiliated and ashamed.

It is my opinion that B did and will continue to evaluate me from a negative point of view.
It is my perception, that I annoyed B by asking questions and asking to do tasks that are part of my job. B established the routine of telling me “No” the first time I requested to do any action or task, intimidating me from wanting to ask if I could do anything again.

If I interrupt B while he was instructing me, it was for clarification of what he was doing.

B has given me implicit instructions that I am not to speak to anyone else but him, but B never gave me a tour of the station, nor did he give me the procedures that are followed on the day to day activities in the station.
I learned about how the station works by my own investigation, asking clerks what they do, asking carriers, how do you do this? In my opinion, the inability to ask questions and talk to employees is an impediment in my learning process, because to get to know the employees and my peers in order to be a team player and an effective supervisor need to be able to communicate with them.

Numerous other incidents took place in the short time I spent under B’s guidance that were positive instances of my effectiveness as a supervisor. These incidents also support that I was willing to work with B, but that B chose not to acknowledge these situations in my evaluation or even on a personal note to me.

One, in particular, was when a letter carrier was arrested. I received a phone call from a postal inspector. The other supervisor was out of the office, and S J was in an area managers’ meeting. Although, I knew B was at training, I called him on his cell phone and gave him the information and also asked his advice, “Should I leave the office to investigate it.” He said,” No” and that he would call me back. He called me back as he had the info, that it was a carrier out of R, but hung up with out even saying goodbye after I told him that T had just come back into the office. The next day B never mentioned the incident to me but told the letter carriers in the office about the incident while he gave his ‘service talk.’”

During the hours I spent in M, B my trainer never said one positive remark to me about any supervisory situations or tasks I addressed, communicated or accomplished with customers or employees.

B also only stated half truths on the evaluation.

Before I left, B also informed me that he trained, ”D , L C, J D,, M D, and J F who are very successful at what they do.”
I listened and collected my things to go to my meeting with Joe S.
As I turned to leave I said to B, “I do not want to argue with you.”
B replied, “I do not believe that.”
He said,” I’ll see you at 5:30 on Wednesday.”
I replied, “I guess so.”

1 am

awake, used to getting up at 3...no i am awake at 1 after only a few hours of sleep...i was so exhausted

the news that i passed my test came late, almost 5 days, such stress...
2 more people from the class are gone.
31 down to 22, nearly a third.

someone said, will they question who was picked?
some said, they system isnt fair
some said, as I have said, it is unnerving to go day to day and not have a clue where you will end up ... it is like military training, do as you are told to do, question only what you are allowed to question.

I keep focused, it is what I have to do. Tomorrow I should find out my new assignment.... if it is a later day I might be able to take the T. It is much healthier to travel by T. keeps your alert. This Sunday is the Sopranos, finally. I think they have something subliminal in there show otherwise why am I so addicted

looking back

house reorg

consolidate three rooms of stuff...

movies books writing
school day treasures photos
sympathy cards how long do you save them
more writing
by my daughter, myself,
drawings by my son, letter upon letters
when do i stop and chuck it all away

some writing, books of knowledge bought for college
sent out to the curb maybe someone will pick them up
outdate 1995 1997 has it been that long since ive taken up
the gauntlet and said, no more stuff

will 10 years from now be a deja vu of today
and yesterday and the years prior

i feel sad going over my stored away life
i would live it again
the

memories are moist cake baked fresh
everyday tasted with good
coffee, tea, milk, and honey
and a salad bar prepared not able to save.

getting over myself

exhaustion ... i was exhausted and slept for nearly 4 hours
tension, stress, relief --
talk talk talk
blathering on and on about things i cannot change
my husband is a patient man
he gives great shoulder rubs
and has more faith in me than anyone
not withstanding my Mother and my Lil Sister who are wonderful
supporters of me too. thanks Mom and Jo

i am thankful for my Husband though
for when I am suffering some internal crisis He knows how
to handle me, and when suffering something so internal, so mental, that it
hits me physically----
He knows when to take me for a ride
and when to hold me tight
He knows when I need him more than I do.
He likes the independent me, but loves it when
I say "what would I do without you" he knows i would survive
without him, but I dont ever want to have to---
i hate that he smokes
he should quit
i sadly admit that i wonder if it is too late
his mother died at 65, his uncle too,
lung cancer they smoked
they say lung cancer starts small--
when detectable ...sometimes too late
my chest is crushed
i hate cigarettes

my son has been wearing my favorite long overcoat outside to smoke
"Hey, You are wearing my coat, and making me smell like cigarettes."
Him: Does it really smell?
"Yes,you owe me a coat.
If i wanted to smell like cigarettes I would smoke, but I dont"

It will be a long wait ...I think I'll take the coat to the cleaners tomorrow.

I suppose I need to make my husband happy and do our taxes.

I just dont want to ---

Oh well off I go

tears

for what reason (s) am i crying today?


test stress maybe
God I hope I passed, it doesnt feel good though!

life stress maybe

lack of support no from some yes from others

the unbearable truth that i am a perfectionist and want to get
everything right but that 100% factor is not always possible no matter how much i study

wishing that this program was over and i could stop being under the gun

knowing some classmates failed and i didnt realize it was happening but i would have liked to try to help ---- perhaps they could have used some support earlier


knowing our elected class president has become a self obsessed asshole ---this really sucks

worrying about my daughters
worrying about my sons
worrying about my husband

wanting to just lay down and cry ...

so what does this translate into



tears

inside i am ripped up
broken split into piece of pie

fear is the card face up face down spinning around
sliced

baby r pics he has a tooth!!!

lots to say

i have in my thoughts many lots to write out,
but lately i never seems to get to them. these lots of thoughts
are still there though....
and this morning i dont have the time to write them out either...arghhhh

Friday is my last test, have to study, but I did get to watch Walk the Line with my husband. The first movie we have gotten to watch together in weeks. It was wonderful!

Some times people say stuff without realizing what they are saying. Sometimes I can give it back very implicitly.... and actually be a bitch ...like yesterday a class mate make fun of me talking to my mom on my cell at lunch...
Later he said, On the phone with Mom in Arizona. .... and I said... "My Mom is watching my sister's kids while she is in Houston.

Oh your Mother is in Arizona, your sister is in Houston, and they are warm while we are freezing and I just got mad, and I said, My sister is in Houston because she has cancer. He was as silent as a rock.

et ate granite that is why she has rocks in her head.

Sometimes people dont mean to hit nerves and they do.

all mixed up

it's 3 am and i am awake, my clock is all mixed up, it doesnt know when to turn or churn or just be still....

this week will be very stressful, my final three days in westie, i cant wait to leave that place, the employees run the show and it is not my style....

God only knows where they will send me next
S is talking about selling her condo and getting an apartment close to her job,
M starts his job tomorrow
D goes back to school Monday
and R and H are doing ok, even if they drive me nuts.
H complains about her sister in law, but she is just as bad, no mention about getting a job... I dont get it...Dont complain unless you have a solution, that is the motto

The christening went well except for the fact that one of my cameras was left in my daughter's locker at school...and the other...put some place by H and not retrieved for the day.
that irks me.

I am obviously cranky, however i did iron enough of F's shirts to last over the week and meditated on the week coming up...
work, class, work, work, test... the last test of this course and the half way mark! God give me strength. This would be alot easier without the worries of family.
no it wasnt a complaint merely a statement.

WS said..."when this is done they should give us all a vacation" I completely agree.

well i best try to get back to bed, and plan out my study time. I really do not like crunching it all at the last minute. oh how my brain is dead.



oh how my brain is dead
words come to mind, but not said
words float by but i cant pick them up
or out,
a buttercup sauce without the stuff
that is my brain
mush mush!

the Questions Mothers Ask

My mom called the other day, "What are you doing for your anniversary?"
"I don't know yet," I replied. "It would be great for F and I do just have a vacation for ourselves."

We haven't had a for ourselves vacation in 14 years! Wow has it been that long?

Anyway, in September we will be married for 30 years. It doesn't seem like it has been that long. And I actually don't know where the time has gone. We have accomplished many things in these 30 years, but what is the most amazing is the fact that we get along really well.

I was talking with a classmate of mine. She is the same age as my oldest daughter. Marriage is tough when you're in your twenties...so much want, and not wanting to miss anything, and children, they dont make it easier. It takes five years to learn to live with someone, but you weather in time, or so I think. Less expectation, more realization. More and different love, respect is number one.

So my mom asked. And so now I , we are thinking. But I just want to get through the next 12 weeks, and then I'll really think about it.

housewifery

As I sit in my kitchen, taking the first sips of my coffee that was brewed three hours ago, I spy two brooms and one mop, and I remember my second mop is in the bucket in the hallway waiting to be either groomed, or put to another task and I laugh.

I have four brooms and three mops, each has a task, one broom is for the outside steps and deck, sidewalk, and driveway, one broom is for the cellar, one broom is for the porch, and one broom is for the kitchen, hallway and other areas strictly indoors and upstairs. One mop is for the kitchen, one mop is for the deck, and the third mop is for the bathrooms. Each broom and mop is a different size,weight, color, and head. Straw, plastic, woven, textured.red, yellow, blue, black, and oh I forgot to mention that I do have a Swiffer for I have a pet, and also a vacumn cleaner. Clean floors? I'm working on that.

kids grow up

sometimes the things you want come along, and then, poof they are gone just in that moment of the coming and going

why do young people leave home and get their own apartments, houses, etc?

because they want to make their own rules.

It is a man's right to do what he does in his own home, one that he has worked for and paid for his entire life.

Smoking is bad in today's society. The pressure on smokers is enough for them to say, I'll never quit just because you hate it so much.

I am tired of my daughter in law complaining about my husband. He is mine regardless of how unpolished he can be at times. I think I will make my list of complaints about her.

She leaves cups, baby bottles, and dirty baby clothes where ever.

She always is complaining about something.

She slams doors.

She fights with my son everyday about stupid things.

She thinks that just because she lives in this house she should have a say on who does what.

On the positive side, since living here
I can count on my five fingers the number of times she has cleaned anything.
I can count on less than five fingers the number of times she has done laundry.
I can count the numerous times that she sat in the back room smoking cigarette, after cigarette when she first came to live here.

I better stop now before I continue my bad thoughts.

This girl of 25 needs to do some growing up. IF you dont like it go live someplace else.

You'd rather have me and my baby go to a shelter.

GO! I am so tired of hearing doors slam and stomping feet everyday. Even my own children out grew that by the time they were 10 grown up you spoiled brat

same ole questions

i love the rain, warm rain in winter feels likes the spring
reminds me of flowers and budding trees yet it is not spring but
still winter and today all is frosted
i too am frosted, tired from driving around for 7 hours doing necessary things.... oh really
Hermes the chinchilla to the vet --- dehydration - bring back in 6 days ...it is only an hour drive to the vet .... it is always the same old question, people or proximity

i used to choose proximity, now i am beginning to thing about people, how many people, such as how long will the wait be at the vets, there was no wait, but there was an hour long drive, and an hour spent lost in the backroads of southeast massachusetts where I literally pulled over at one point and cried out to my daughter, "i fear we will never find a highway again" .... I dont think she took me seriously for one moment during this torture except when I criticized her and told her she was useless as the map from mapquest, little did I know that the street map, my son who drives quite a bit uses, was right behind her seat, what an idiot I am sometimes!!! How much does a navigation system cost anyway?

I did manage to escape from the woods to do some food shopping, get 7 new blinds, I am in the process of replacing all the blinds, well not all but ... a few... and clothes shopping for the spoiled younger daughter who needed a new outfit for today and the next day too. Geesh, what ever happened to my promise of "no"

anyway I dont miss my old job, or my old boss at the non profit. adios amigo. and i could complain about her rude ness but i am just going to let it go.

then there is "the program" --- I actually like it! I am in school with an old friend, and some new ones. Of course there is controversy! The first test was not overwhelmingly hard, but yes, it was still stressful. I hate taking tests!!! One woman left the test and then when back in.... I wonder what is going to come of that little walkoff... There are many students up in arms about it. I know the woman, if she is thrown out of the program, she will flip out. I dont know what is going to happen with that....

Well, i am really avoided the ole question of how I am going to just accept that the boys couldnt pull it together in Denver, but I love them anyway! NEW ENGLAND PATRIOTS Keep the Faith -- We love you Next Year will be here soon enough! And I for One will be ready for some Football yeee haahh
but this year is not over yet ---

I wonder if Indy will win? humm Im looking at those Seahawks

morning not my own

i used to own my morning time -- send children off to school, then i went to school myself, while husband slept the day away for he worked that horrid 11 -7 shift. he wouldnt sleep if i was here and he didnt sleep when i wasnt here either, but school made my days less stressful in many ways, I did what i had to do in the house, lived a very programmed life, and maintained it all somehow. Monday. I will start 'school' again, but a different kind of school, a training program that will last for 4 months, everyone's needs are just going to have to be met before or after my hours. how will this work? I honestly am just going to put my foot down, two feet down, no no no, no i will not baby sit in the am before work, no i will not drive you here or there, no you cannot have my car, no i will not drop this off, no i will not stop and get this and that or that either. NO. I will take this word to heart. All good parents need to learn to tell their children NO from the start or else they become spoiled brats. Like mine> ? Yeah they are.

tears ---- just leave me alone

self pity, self possessed self pity.... i suffer from them both at this moment.

my son is going to get his license and leave ...go to Tennessee because he can skate year round there and there is a job waiting for him, and he just needs to go he says

i said to my husband ...well now is the time for him to go, he has no responsibilities, and he needs to grow up, so maybe he is the type that needs to do so on his own. if we tell him, no stay, he can go anyway, or he may resent us: you made me stay, you wouldnt let me go, so now is the time. I agree... regardless of the less than perfect circumstances.... "at least he isnt saying he is going to join the service." i said.
hubby said, "i'd feel better if he said he was."

too horrified, i have taken my tears into my office. never over my dead body i would say. but i know he needs to choose his own path. i really dont want him to go so far away, but... i will let go if i need to and just pray. i will rejoice in his willingness to be free from parents, family and what ever else holds him here.