New Year past present....on the verge of tomorrow

When my oldest were young, every New Year's Day, I would take the other cousins, and them out for the day; we went to Faneuil Hall, the Ice Sculptures, and a few other places, that was long ago. As my younger children got older I took my youngest to NYC on the Christmas Train---NYC became a tradition for 6 years, New Year's day became a quiet restful day after a two day jaunt .... But this year I couldn't find a decent hotel rate and was smart enough to say to the youngest, we will go for your birthday--- which is next month. I've found a great hotel rate, and also great theatre tickets and seats, plus taken a gift that was a non spoken gift and made it a gift so there ya go! saving. whoopptyde... I am looking forward to it all, i missed my excursion...

Beyond all this, I do not know what this year will bring, having achieved my promotion, I am at rest in the spire..... back to school, back to the lab, doing something creative would be great for my soul, but I have to work at myself and I think that will be my goal. With my nephew getting married in a year and 1/2 that is a good reason, besides turning a half century old, how can that possibly be... my breasts are saying --- there we go arghhh...


Having started on the treadmill, it feels good, now just to keep it up... I will, as I feel better already building up a sweat does something for me, now to not let life or laziness get in the way of health.

F wants a new tv for the bedroom. A wall tv because I always complain. I can't see the tv it is true, but it would be nice to cuddle up and watch something on a flat screen, so we might just spoil ourselves and do so. Ive measured by favorite painting and it is three feet by 43" on the diagonal... so that will be helpful when choosing size. transporting etc. that is another question. This just seems so frivolous will i forgive myself..?? i know i will be finding my children in my room... oh well...

2007 seven rhymes with heaven, heavenly, I hope so. Good by 2006, with nothing amiss....

I have a plan for my godson's bd... rock bottom for dinner, and a trip to the build a bear in dtb. it is just so much cooler than the plaza. Now I just have a few more bds to figure out and then I will be all set for a few months of r and r for myself...

vacation within

it is cold out side, i am lost in mystery, having 8 days off from the grind, what will i do with myself besides have a neat and tidy house for as many days, what a laugh, housekeeping is a job, curled up on the sofa blankets and tea, watching movies til my eyes cry, shopping for nothing online, shopping for some new house toy, dreaming of painting, redecorating, but not, exercise walk on the treadmill, stretch, drive children to their destinations and retreive them - husband asleep, will we drive each other mad, or maintain space easily, expectations change everything. what is mine? wow i am surprise to find so much time has gone by all ready.

upgrading

i have up graded the blog, as probably most do, but i am a lazy reader here, not into finding out more about how it all works. for now things are as they are. I don't know what i am doing. tomorrow i will take off for the day and hope to have fun by myself. i dont know why but i am depressed. i am tired of stress.

wellness

i found this note i wrote to myself in January 22 of 2002, obviously it was a note to help me to continue with my studies and not deter from my goals, but it still rings true to this day for me--

wellness
wellnes is a state of being
physically and mentally equipped with the ability to cope with incapacity.
when you do not have the ability, stamina, to cope, you run to fantasy.
Fantasy makes what is unbearable bearable, but when your fantasy is something you can not make reality and you have strived beyond the fantasy and the reality, there goes the equipment to cope, to hold,
thereby this state of being creates an incapacity that can not be taken or understood as anything but grief.
Bereavment must take place for without it, the inability to cope will go on, insanity will remain.
Acceptance is a must, fill the void with what you are capable of doing and go from there.
Crushed dream, worked for, for so long, don't tell me it is okay, it is not, let me grieve for my desire, and let me say good bye, and then build something from the ashes of myself.

Where was I then? I was recovering from my surgery, stuggling everyday with the desire to go on to be well, to be myself, something i am now, but i am not, physically i lost strength, and power, mentally defeated, i carried on.... and now i am grateful i did not fall, but yes, i still look back and realize my physical incapacity is what killed my dream, the inability to work work and home, not enough strength in me. how wretched and cruel life can be, some day i will go back there, some day i will be doing it because i know i will

6:40 am

Ive been awake since 4, my usual body clock now, very very weird, but i can stay up late if i need to, it is the nap that is killing me, if i take one i end up sleeping ...all night. let me say i am tired and that is that.but this week was pretty good in some aspects and in others well i will learn to deal with them.

first of all i must truly believe that if a person wrongs another it will come back to that person and so be it. second, i must not let people get to my mind or my decision making. i have the ability, now i must keep it in my mind set.

third, just because i received my promotion, i will not change, i will be as i have been, diligent in learning.

fourth, today i will do what i can do and not be apologetic for what i cannot get done

five, i will forget about my job and enjoy my life

i will forgive and i will try to forget the angst i have been through, but i will keep the eyes in the back of my head open.

Christmas

I think I had my Christmas today. Johnny came for the third day in a row. My daughter was her usually :mememe: self. arghh... .... My grandson however made today good...

I promised him yesterday that he could make a volcano. And today we did, and he learned to do it all by himself. Did he make a mess, well sort of, did he try to help clean it up, yes. Did he show his mother what he could do all by himself? yes, did she care, yes, but she was tired, and hungry, and it just sucks that i have to deal with her attitude. i just really dont need it. It is like i cant get tired, i cant not feel well. i am supposed to be invincible or something.

laughin

I am lauging to myself this morning because if I really thought about all I have to do, I would be in bed from a severe stress attack. But things are coming together slowly. B asked me if I was working tomorrow, and no, I am not... tomorrow I am finishing all I have to do as far as gift and my menu and basic clearing and setting up... I didnt get some stuff done that I wanted but I can live with that.

My b day this year was one of the best and one of the worst at the same time. The reality of the son who is on the edge coming by and planting himself, haunting and taunting... could have ruined the day
the reality that the principal at BLA said to the youngest, you are hangin in where you are. You should stay there. was totally torture for the youngest, but true too. Her perception was right now if only the younger will believe in herself that would work.
the reality that the job was just not going to work out, well that rang true too... so vacation time will be used to have him sign up for school as he says he is ready now.
the reality that my grandson jc makes my day... is so true. all he wants is someone who gives him time....
today he is coming over after school again. we will take him to pick out a tree with his mother. and he will help us decorate ours. i am looking forward to this
i miss my baby grandson, i hope i get to see him soon. i cant talk to the otherones mother. she just doesnt get it. what an ass she is.
on a positive note, i did spend about 16 hours working on a poem ...that i sorta finished but let it be finished because it was comsuming all my energy and i really needed to get on with things. the best thing about it for me, is that i proved to myself that i can still do it, although it takes time, and quiet, something i have a lack of. alas... the feeling was still there...

there is nothing like writing for me,
the quiet, the tapping of the keys, the scratch of the pen on paper
the atmosphere here, but there, in that other side, that other divide where i go
i like it there, but if i stayed there i would get nothing done, i wonder sometimes if i will end up there.... that is why ive not written much, the void, it takes you in, and you dont want to come out... and i get so many disruptions... i feel good. and that is what counts.

tears that slip

my young son took a job, not a great job, just a job where he can earn money-- so he can have some money and his father and i wont have to keep giving him money... this taking of this simple job has made me happy, he is doing something... no not what i would like him to do, but something other than skateboarding...now he is a great skateboarder, and he would love to be sponsored, but that isnt an easy feat, like being a writer...you have to be discovered...hahaha...so he is a dreamer and and artist....that i can live with... he says he will go to college when he feels like doing the work, and well, i can agree with him there too. he has probably another 80 years to live so why rush responsiblity beyond the need....

my youngest daughter is doing ok too. she is finally adjusting to school even though she wants to transfer, and perhaps she will but she is adjusting and that is a start too.

what a rough september... just horrid....after we returned from our vacation...

so today ive had alot of tears that seem to ooze from my eyes, but not so much sadness, a touch of relief, a touch of worry, and a touch of life. that is what the tears are from...life keeps grabbing me and pinching me. and that is just how it is.

giving thanks

i give thanks for my children this Thanksgiving who helped me get everything ready and even helped to clean up.
i give thanks to God and the universe for looking over my son who is out of his mind, but not so out of his mind that he had my baby grandson come by.
i give thanks for being able to work, having a decent job, and also having money to pay my bills, and keep going on.
i give thanks that i can walk because 6 years ago i could not.
i give thanks for being me, and being strong, and having the strength to go on when all seems like what for.
i give thanks for my Johnny cake who gives me reason to smile, and laugh every day.

overdone

by far i am over done, over worked, over worried, over and over and over
it is an over world for me at this moment and there is no other word that is as fitting as the word over because over isnt over even when it is over
it is over... work, laundry....relationships, meetings, day, night, holiday, eclipse, test, dinner, of couse this over is different than the other variables that have to do with over
such as over there
over here
under and over
over and under
over such as on top of....
this i am not
i am not on top of my housework, my laundry, my kids, paying my bills, i am under-- overridden with the overs that i am suppose to have under control, or at least believing so.

it is obsurd that i can mail things on time, but then again if i stopped working then i would have plenty of time to take care of the things i am supposed to be taking care of. this wednesday johnny is coming over, i will try to call h. and see if she will bring the bub over, see there is over and over again. this will make me happy, also i will leave work at 3 pm monday and tues and take my ns off ... this is needed because i am over done....
and i dont want my turkey day to be over done because i could very easily become undone at this moment.

plus, a note to myself, you cant eat ff from mcd's it makes you sick! dont forget.

and to my sister whom i love, if she just happens to pop by,
i do not care if liberals or conservatives are bigger hypocrites... every individual suffers from hypocrazies...hahaha... at times. -- certainly i dont want to be pegged as either a liberal or a conservative, i just want to live!

dreams

sometimes my dreams prepare me for my future, so last night I had the dream of searching for my son, here, there, everywhere I've known him to be, and nothing. So that says to me, that I dont really want to find him, because I dont want to know him right now. The reunion would be one of sword thrusting in .... and slowing being withdrawn... that is how it would be.

i finally told my mother that i wouldnt be going to the cape for turkey day, we will stay home and relax, i need more relaxation time fighting this bug doesnt help my energy level. she said, you know you have to live your life, and i have said that myself, but i have no energy for driving when i only have the one day off.... i dont know if f has more time or not, and he doesnt even know if he has the time either. i put in for time after xmas that i wasnt going to take, but i might take one less day, i cant decide. i am just really worn out i think and that is keeping me from doing other things. f has computer parts all over the place so i am trying to get his stuff together, it is a bit ridiculous as he should be doing it himself. work is okay, but friday bit as half the people didnt show up and well... that just makes it suck.
driving ro again, which isnt bad, but no more personal phone calls to friends and family ... she says she doesnt want to stay... so something might happen who knows.

rain

I finally have my laptop back after months of being in disrepair. The keyboard is soft and nice, they changed the entire board, so that is good.

It is raining, F and I dropped off my car to see if they can finally fix it. I would like it to be finally fixed. I have also been looking at the chrysler milan v 6 ... I like it, it is more sensible than a mini, and 5 grand less. We shall see. Penny pinching is getting me down.

I am exhausted as my body is aching me. We ran about to a bunch of different shops but were unable to find what F was looking for. Figures.

I think Kristy Alley looks great. Kudos to her.

I hope something goes right today, as I cant stay in this funk much longer.

Thinking of going to NYC for the parade ..I know F wont go. I would just like to go once in my life time. oh well...

voting

tonight when i went to vote, i had a difficult time,
the font on the ballot was so small even with my glasses on I had to use a magnifier,
i was not NOT the only one,
even young people voting held their ballots close to their eyes to read....

complaints logged:
better lighting needed
more space, and more privacy, there was NONE

disgusting display in this tech age of cheap voting desks, and even cheaper money spent on what is purported as an inalienable right!!! shame on our state for allowing such cheap ness!

on the other hand my shoulder is still killing me,
havent heard from the son or anyone relative to the situation,
and i am glad i have tomorrow off...
laundry, and well lots of other chores await, but at least i dont have to run out the door at the younger is sick.

sleeping on shoulder

woke at 2 am shoulder sore, unable to move
frozen by the weight of my own self
i know i passed out earlier
the stress makes me sleep
R's friend call, "Havent seen him all day"
I checked the caller ID, the friend called at 11 30 in the morning,
so there it is --- Is he dead? Hurt? Arrested?

My mother called to ask about Thanksgivng ... I have no plans. I dont even have a plan for ourselves. I dont tell her, why and what for... She says she loves me as she hangs up. I believe her, we just dont have the same plane, my plane never steers straight... it is constantly running into turbulence.... on the other hand, i dont know how my mother would handle it all, and why should she have to? when my brothers wanted to live a different life they removed themselves from her, and i see it now, years later how it is easier for her to not talk about it, or what ever it maybe.... and I am not that way, but I am, as I am doing it with my own daughter right now, not seeing i to i, it is her righteousness


I am supposed to attend a baby shower Sunday with the oldest, but I dont think Ill go to that either. I am pissed, my youngest is never invited, the oldest one says, but she, they dont know her, but the man is her god father.... I dont blame her for feeling forgotten. I can send a gift and keep my time for myself --- snob..maybe ...but no...just relative to where i am right now...

Cant even talk about it with people I know, because regardless of their ... sympathy, or support it doesnt help. The weight is there, my shoulder hurts when I move it, but not when I touch it, a sign of weight not injury.

and that is the point...

this weight can not be seen by those that do not know
this weight can not be felt by those who do
everything else is connected to the weight
all perspective is made upon bearing of the weight
and all decisions too.

the weight upon my shoulder is the not knowing
the pain is true, real, physical
anger sits there too
as does frustration, and the knowledge of
the relativity of truth

the weight, i refuse to let it own me
but it is chewing away at me,
i run, but it wont let up,
the disease has taken over
thought that is all i can do

i wonder, if one day I will not be able to get
out of bed, and go to work, and do my job because
they know nothing of what I am going through, it is like a safe
haven. To go there, is peaceful, and then to have someone yell in my face
and point a finger at me, I feel like saying to him, what is your problem
you think your finger shaking and voice mean a thing to me, you are nothing --
i have the strength of a Spartan when it comes to you, you have no idea of the weight I already carry, you are only a feather to me. It is odd... they say I have the toughest job in the office, the truth is it isnt, because if I am not there, someone else will be, and well, all that is not relative to my life, only this weight that i carry, that is killing me.

stress = sleep

too much stress has me exhausted. I need to find some energy somewhere -- today I will not run away but deal with what i must. would much rather run, but the problems will still be here, so i am no. ... bring me the chair

Monday

well, my hopes are again dashed as it was told to me that the son was here today, humm, who does he think he is? my son, our son, --- all ways welcome, not now, but he knew when to drop in, not a car in the drive... of course... he is alive, I thank the Hand for that. However, it doesn't help to know that he is not on the right path, at least I don't believe he is, and I refuse to accept what he is doing as his right path. How righteous am I? I can be if need be and at this moment I am very.

Have to go to the store, the game has my stress up... how ridiculous, but true. why do I even like sports: they are like life --- you dont know when your good game is on til your playing it

Salem, MA

Although we've lived in Mass forever for years we never visited Salem during the Halloween season although the history is there --- Last year my sil and I and some of the kids, who are not really kids anymore took the train out of North Station and walked the streets of Salem for hours. There was a bike run among other festivities taking place, and we had a blast, so we went this year again....

It was quieter without my grandson Johnny, whom I missed dearly because of his innocence, but he really wasnt interested in going, too scary grammy he said... but it was a nice windy day, lots of costumes were abound and the spirits were good.... so we went not for a long day, but a nice day.... and i wish i had more of them....

what really bugged me out however was my oldest daughter blew me off, she never answered her phone... then my youngest said to me, she said r is going to die. so that was something i didnt need to hear, or to have to ponder, as what is it about older females in families, they think it is their right to tell youngers stuff the teller thinks the listener needs to know. Some times it sucks having older and younger children, the olders ones have some type of authority vision that exists if only in their own minds, the younger ones think ''''' things are kept from them""""" well.... what ever it is the oldest one just pissed me off to no end today, and of course when i talked to her she has a different story all together, and i didnt mention the burden she dumped on her sister's brain, because she thinks it is her right to tell her what she thinks and feels regardless of what i think is appropriate. arghhh .... im ready to snap!!... halloween is two days away, tomorrow the treadmill goes into the old tv room, and the plan is in place to take off some of this weight i seem to just keep gaining ... too much stress doesnt help. Help would be wonderful ... i found a great magnet quote... dwell in the possibility... i am dwelling in the possibility that my son has come to his senses and locked him self away. even though i dont know if that is true. amen i say amen.

the way things are

i am not doing well at all, as a matter of fact i am falling apart ...holes no seams to resew. there seems to be no end to this.

exhaustion

Very tired this week, not fulfilling the needs of the house, I need a maid. R has gone away, all I an do is pray. M is still job hunting. Dianna is taking her psats today... There was a college fair at her school the other day. As she is only a sophomore, I wanted to let her look alone. I picked her up --- she was excited, showing me this and that. She picked out Columbia, I think she would be a good fit there, but she said she is interested in Bowdoin in Me. I will have to take a look. I had a hard time to keep from crying. I am happy she is planning, the others never wanted to. on top of all this one of her favorite teachers died of cancer yesterday ---- she got the news and wrote a beautiful tribute. She wants to go to the funeral Monday....
Monday my mom goes to the drs to find out about her heart. Tues. my sister has surgery, and my daughter has an ultrasound to find out about the lump in her breast. It is all overwhelming.

I wish science and medicine was further evolved... I wonder if it will ever become like on startrek.... humm --- it would be wonderful

another lost blog

i really must use word.

babies and babies

Johnny turned 8, he is no longer a baby.
My baby Dianna has acquired a baby, a kitten named Nina.
And the baby, Baby R, well he is growing quite large! What a boy! baby.

slippage

Slippage


he said, "it's not like the last time."
but I knew, and watched, and waited,
the hysteria inside let bees out occasionally
the stingers didn't stay in long enough to
cause an infection, just sharp pains
quick jabs in the gut
nausea begetting headaches begetting tears
don't fall because I can't pick you up
you are too slippery like a fish in the bath
wiggle wiggle wiggling through my veins.

Monday anniversary

Tomorrow will be our 30th wedding anniversary. 30 years, barely a lifetime, but a life time still. I was thinking about marriage in relation to age. If you were married and divorced after 5 years, your marriage would have been in childhood, still learning, but able to be very head strong, obstinate.

in the beginning... If you get divorced before 1 year, infancy. In the 2-3 age bracket, you were just toddling along in your marriage, ages 4-6, early childhood, 7-10 childhood, prepubescent, 11-14--- oh those so turbulent years, before adolescence: ages 15-21. And finally when you become adults, after the age of 21, then if you become divorced, you will have run many gambits but achieved the rank of being a full fledged adult divorcee, in stead of one of the others just because of the age length of your marriage........ do age behavior patterns correlate with the ages of marriages. hummm....perhaps perhaps...does anyone care? where do these thoughts come from?

it has been a busy three days back at work after a wonderful vacation, that just wasnt long enough to get everything done, now today I have a ton of housework to do, and I would prefer to visit my mother, but I dont see that happening either. It sucks, I might take a drive down just to take a drive... laundry first though.

I am in the process of redecorating, although my husband doesnt realize it.hehehe.... I am working at it subtly.... remove the rug... Rearrange stuff... Shopping for furniture without his knowledge, my typical way of redecorating....long term planning in the mind, then popping the decisions, as they are decisions. I think I am lucky in that respect, my husband doesnt care about home decor, as long as it is not frilly in the bedroom..... and he likes a comfy sofa, but little does he know, I am preparing to purchase him a lounge chair, something he hasnt had in years, oh a recliner I guess, well at least I am thinking about it.

For now, rug removal and general clutter clean up is taking place...new blinds, window washing.... painting....and perhaps by Christmas, the ultimate will be achieved. If I was wealthy, it would be so easy to call on someone, please do this, and it would only take a week!... what a dream...

back to my marriage....

being at it may, 30 is a great age, I loved being 30. And wow, here we are at 30 years of marriage and it feels pretty good, it feels so relaxed, and so understood. and it isnt at all boring... so many times little things just happen, my husband is great with the one liners....the quips that he says that remind me why i chose him, ... when we were on the ship, we got up in the middle of the night, 3 am. no one was around, it was amazing, maybe 1 person and 1 couple .... in the public places that we visited, but we were out on the deck under the stars, and he said, watch out for the pirates, such a quip and i laughed and remembered what I thought was just wonderful about him, and he too, at times will say to me after I've said sometime weird, obscure, or just mundane, who knows, but some line, and he will let out a chuckle and say, you know I love you, so i think it is that, those little lines that a mate can say during conversation or in the midst of some task that prompts that space in the brain to perk up and feel that love that no one else in the entire world can touch because he or she just isnt in "your" head that way.

Tomorrow I am going to try to leave work early, stop at the pier and get lobster, and well, just have a nice day...today, I have to shop for a gift for hubby...hummm...what will i get him?

morning...what kind

Flo as she will be known has turned into a hurricane, surprise --- not.
I have a zillion things to still do, which I will certainly try to get to, but, how ironic, i will be glad to be getting away, i just hope the boat doesnt shake.... bought seasickness meds, and we have decided to bring the lap top just encase i want to upload the pics. the main thing we are worried about is the storm at sea, i am so anxious i could just burst, f teases, reminding me of how much i like the poseidon adventure, but that's only a story, not one i want to imitate.

getting closer and far away

the days have been short, time melting into time, day, noon, night
the children are nervous, asking questions, when, where,
and we question them, too.
they are not used to us leaving them behind, even to go out by ourselves, we are usually always here.
we are getting ready...
nervous about Florence, but we have been told they will go elsewhere if it looks like a rough time. so be it, what will be will be.
closing the pool always marks the end of the season,
our anniversary, the beginning of a new year.
how fall melds in to winter and covers the earth as we cover each other
blessed and blissfull


my mom went to the drs. which was a gift, as we have assumed she has been avoiding taking charge of her medical issues, she said, "well, i was waiting for the news from joan just encase I had to fly out there." I am relieved that all is good. I also said to Mom, well thank you for that gift, as we need you to take care of yourself. It is easy to let things pass... like the mamo, like the physical, like the windows, or even cutting the grass, if you keep up with the chore of taking care of yourself, hopefully you can stay on top somehow. Mom is in for a couple of weeks of testing. God, I do hope she is okay!

time to get packing the cruise people said that if the hurricane is going there, we will go elsewhere, so i have faith.

first days of school

d, dyed her hair for the family values concert, i was getting fond of her regular chestnut hair, lesson, just when you think your teen has quieted down and has accepted mainstream, watch out!

Jcakes with his substitue teacher looking on.

and the most wonderful smile in the world!

on vacation

We've been on vacation already for two days, it seems more like 2 hours. of course my daughter had to point out that the Florence the storm is out on the ocean and is heading for Bermuda, where we are going. I hope they are wrong; F says he doesnt care as we are out to relax. The moon is showing signs of craziness..hummm

Today was a very inspirational day, but of course I didnt have my journal on me so all the thoughts were just there and put out into the cosmos from my brain.

of course having drs appointments, boob squishing tests, and other wise charge of jcake has added to the time going by quickly.

Wednesday, we shopped for a kitty for D. First we drove out to the animal rescue league in Dedham. It is a farm, and a great place to visit, like going to the zoo. They had horses and crows, and a rooster that kept crowing, cockadoodle do, and jcakes did, too. Best of all, they had sheep and goats, and a pig.

When jcakes saw the pig he said, "Look they have a pig! and then he pinched his nose closed and said, "And a smelly pig it is, too!" that has kept me laughing all day.

But no kitty there as they fix the tike before letting it go home, and since we are leaving on Sunday, although D had found a 5 month old she like, well, we had to say adeiu. Then we drove downtown, and there they petted lot of older cats, but none that D seemed to like. I like a cat named Lily, but ....
D did get to hold a ferret, and she changed her mind about wanting one, as she has always said she wanted one, but she said it felt like a snake with fur, much different than she expected....

Jcakes played with an awesome black bunny for nearly 15 minutes. I would have like to get him myself if I didnt have so much stuff to take care of all ready. It was sad to say good-bye to the beasties, but it was also nice to leave them behind too. It was a long day of driving hether and there, but it was fun and free except for the gas.

Tonight F and I went to the pool place and bought a new cover. I realized when we were there that we have had this second pool since the year F's mom died, and that is 8 years ago the 13th. Time is just going by way too fast.

F has been great helping to get ready for the trip, helping with the laundry while i do all the other stuff.... tomorrow and Saturday will be busy busy days...no late naps and late drives...just packing and making sure everyone is on the same page.

I am so nervous with thoughts of worry leaving D and M alone, that I ended up asking the dr about it, she sent me for an ekg and a zillion tests on top of everything else. I am a ok...but still worried. I do hope all goes well, it isnt as if we dont have a support infra structure encase something is amiss...

or thoughts that dont let me sleep

my son is talking about joining the service
my other son is on the edge of i dont know what
my daughter is getting ready to go back to school and
my husband and i will be leaving on a vacation
thinking about my growning up kids keeps me awake, so at times, like every night
i cant think --

i cant think about the iraq war because i cant stop it, nor can i do anything to help the people over there stop fighting with themselves, and it disgust me how so many wars and fights are about land and religion, oil and money
i dont understand why mankind ...cant get along. i know i could read a zillion articles on why and why not, but i dont care to. it is like my kids, no excuses, but they have them and it is just the way of the world. i am sick of listening to the rhetoric. I am tired of hearing my son say, there it goes world war III and i do mean sick for when i think of him joining the service, my stomach turns inside out and i want to heave; what if he does? I will live with it, but will i like it? no.

nervous but happy

my manager asked me today if i like it there... yes i do i said... he asked about the commute, it is ok i said too... i dont really care coz i like it there... he said he is putting up two jobs, "make sure you put in" that makes me happy. It will make Fred happy to as I will get a raise.

ON the home front I miss my grandsons... The little tyke is hardly ever around, but I am just not saying anything...and my Johnnycake is with his Dad... I am going to arrange something so I can see the lad.

Labor day weekend is just around the corner, then I work 1 day and have two weeks off...yahoooo....

My sis is in Tex. I didnt get to call her today, things have just been too crazy at work, I'll call her tomorrow and check in on her, I wish I had a transporter, life would be wonderful... I'll just keep one spot reserved for her in my thought at every moment to give her strength to just get through the next few days. you are not alone...

went to the dot art opening... it was great, the kids' work was really good, but no sculpture this year which was too bad. saw kb from the joiner center.... he was great, Gee I miss the Joiner Center arghhh... oh well btb... early to work as today I left too much undone...

God please make it so my sister doesnt have to have surgery and she gets a clean bill... please please please, I am thanking you ahead of time as I have trust in the universe --- me...

do not have a pop up blocker working and

then set it free, or you will end up like me at this moment, pissed off because you lost whatever it is was you had written...arghhh.....

i am the you in this ..or just a yew at this moment, bleastly...

come on Red Sox Come on!!!!

The Red Wing (to be worked on later)

At the Red Wing

before the age when I could remember what age I was, my uncle who is now in his 80's and on dialysis, and my aunt, who passed away this summer, took their family and me, the tag along, to the Red Wing. That diner dinner remains a vivid memory, and the Red Wing, a place that I will never let go of, as long as it remains there, for I always manage to have the whim and will to go there. I have over the years, dragged family members along: come be a part of the Red Wing clan.

At the time of the dinner, back in the early 60's, my cousin, who fell off her bike and died at age 10, an example of why they have helmet laws, was still alive. Also, my cousin, who died at 25, in a small plane crash, was still alive; we were nearly the same age. And my cousin, who is still alive, the sisters' older brother, whom I always thought was strange, was there, he still lives near there with his father in the old house, I remember as a great place, where the wonders of nature, and life, and change touched me then and still remain.

At the Red Wing,
We sat at a table in the middle of the room, and had great food, I dont remember what it was, and my cousin, the strange one, used so many napkins, that the waitress brought him a stack 3 inches high, and my female cousins and I were laughing. Something else went array at that dinner, but I dont remember what it was, all I remember was that it was a marvelous time.

I had a lot of great times at my cousins' house when I was growing up, and it is sad now, as my aunt is gone, and my uncle is ill, and their son, the strange one, has no one but himself to carry things on. But his parents suffered in this life, not for loss of material, but from loss of lives, having two children of their three children taken from them. I think how different things would be now, if neither of them had passed on, and how the only memory that remains strong that I will have access to will be that Red Wing restaurant, for I havent been to their old house in years, nearly 20 years it seems to me, but so many memories from those days come back to me.

But the Red Wing ---
Back then I thought the place was old, a throw back from another time, wooden chairs at wooden tables, covered by laminate, not formica, but another material, that was the seating area up. Then there was not a makeshift wall of painted lattice to separate the one big room into two sections, nor was the wallpaper a marbled blue. But the ketchup squeezers, and tartar sauce squeezers,and metal napkin holders remain the same, as does the salt and pepper shakers, and the ladies room, that I never make it to, and the men's room, my husband doesn't go into because there are no doors on the stalls; I wonder if it was that way back then, I do not know, but the man finds the restroom uncomfortable. Soooo....

The Red Wing though, is famous, famous for old time prices, and really great food. No decor, but a good time. And the same waitresses, they've been working there for all time. It is like you walk into this place and there they are, two old women, one with white hair, the other dyed brown, both in need of dental repair, but kind, and yet scary if you were a child and had never been there. I was wondering today as I left the place, is it bewitched? Have those women really worked there all those years and never changed? Are they in my mind that way, or truly, truly, is the Red Wing in a special place that no one else can see, only those who have been there as a child can get in there, and know it is there, for everyone else who drives route 1 there is a vacant lot there...no little red house with a wing? I wonder.

On the other side of the restaurant there is a bar. I wonder what part of the little house is the wing, the wing that has a restaurant or the wing that is a bar? They are both wings with a little room inbetween. Anyway...

That bar is ripe with stories galore, for the Red Wing always has customers, from the moment it opens til after the lock of the door. We never go into the bar side. I remember it from long ago when I first saw it, and the few times I've peeked behind the opening. It is like a trailer home, with no chairs, only barstools and standing room only. A mirror as long as the room, and a rich chocolate bar as long as that too, laden with bottles and glasses, ready to serve up customers. I really must make it a point to go in there --- some evening just to be sure.

One thing about the Red Wing, it is not too far from the stadium where the Patriots play,so I can only imagine how the place is hopping from September through January... as we only go there on occasion. a whim, and a ride, to have the one dish no restaurant serves up as fresh and over the top as they...

the fisherman's platter fills two, or even three--- that is the plate we order and divide.

So there it is the Red Wing... A little place not many know of, but it is a story, now it I can ever find the time to write it out right, is is a place of horror, or a place of love, or a place of divide. Is it a place of happy people old and young alike with the same memories, the Red Wing, a wing of life.

quiet house

at midnight the hiding mouse can come out
at 4 am when the clock rings out
not a breath is missed
nor the shuffle of feet passing by as i sleep
at 6 he says good bye, have a wonderful day
at 7 i pick up my head and see the numbers on the clock
i lie there awake listening for the dog and birds and an alarm to ring inside my head,
get out of bed, there is not a child, nor a beastie, nor a man, nor a book calling me, quiet house, empty head holds one exception, one thought, how everything is changing, which is not a quiet thought at all, it is quite the thought, very very involved.

back to work

I went back to work after being off 7 days; it seemed only like one --- i didnt achieve much of anything, but i did get to the beach for a day, and another new car, a 1991 honda accord, which is in great shape, and more to my liking than the contour. it was weird because i didnt even have to complain about the contour, f just returned it on his own, he knew without me saying a word that the car was just not worth it.

i sent my sister a bday gift, i dont even know if she got it, and as of yet i havent gotten to talk to her, but i did call her today, a day late because yesterday was such a hectic day getting stuff done because I knew I was going back to work, by the time I looked at the phone it was midnight --- so there went my vacation.

i am so happy f is taking off the same two weeks as me in september. it is like wow, we have not spent two weeks together in years. my friend b at work was laughing, he said you two will be in the news. lol... i just laughed. i am so looking forward to our vacation together everything else seems secondary.

r is acting very strange, i cant even talk to him. i dont particularly like the barrel i am rolling around in. or the ripple in the lake it is floating in...That is my biggest stress right now, and it sucks.

tomorrow i will go to my mom's and the beach and just forget about everything. i even think no one wants to come with me so i will be going alone. how weird. how very weird. but it is ok by me. i dont mind being alone, i actually like it at times. must be my age, i like being with myself.

tomorrow is august 6th my friends b-day..i havent talked to her in nearly 1/2 a year. i will call her, it is her daughter's first wedding anniversary too. so that is a good thing for her.

then my brother's b-day and my nephews and my other brother's anniversary...and the baby's first birthday,and we will be away, but i am happy, because i just dont need the stress of it all.

it is odd when someone makes me crazy because of rudeness, or excuses, i say i just cant and wont be bothered, but in reality it is untrue for when someone lies to me it hurts, and when someone makes it flauntingly clear that he or she lacks appreciation or has an expectation beyond my own willingness to extend myself then... And there that ends it for me. i close myself off and say, hey so what! and that's life isnt it. sometimes it just sucks, but you try to maintain happiness regardless of the blueness or the greenness, greenness is jaded ness, at least today it is for me. Yellowness,right now i am purplness which is related to lochness, and Scottish or so i believe. now that ive rambled into foolish ness i am going to go ... enough is enough i do believe.

vacation really?

yesterday after an extremely strange day at the office, my vacation began. i dropped off the rental and took the train home. The transfer from blue to orange to red seemed exceedingly long and it was, as I missed one train, then they had two braintree trains, and the heat in the tunnels made everything smell and i thought, how i really wouldnt want to live in heat all the time.

F and i went to get "my car" and of course, I wasnt happy. The door was not fixed as it was supposed to be, the air conditioning isnt working right, and really, the car is a fine car for my son, but not for me, and that is how I feel. I am tired of having things that are second class. I am just going to surprise F and save the money and buy my own car. I think it is about time, so that is my plan for that.

I fell asleep early because r and h had another horrid fight, and i just cant take it. I am not used to it, it is makes me sick to my stomach. F and I woke up in the middle of the night and it was nice to have the quiet and the time to just chat. He had to go to work, so he teased me as he was leaving how he will be exhausted all day, but at least We had some time together.

Today I am heading to my mom's. I dont know when I will get there, and I might be traveling back tomorrow, I really dont know as of yet. But i will try to get some sun as the dr recommended especially on my legs and hopefully I wont be so bad on vacation, but then again, I dont think I will care. I need to do what I need to do to get better.

My house is a tumble of stuff. Every child'f mine has stuff. in the hallway, in my upstairs hallway, in my office, in the basement, in the back yard. it is ridiculous. they are going to have to do something about all their stuff that is all i can say, because i am tired of looking at it!

last night f was teasing me, he was licking the back of my neck, i said to him, stop you are annoying me, he said, but i am kissing you, and i said, no you are licking me, and it feels yucky... kissing has more pressure and sucking... and he laughed, and so did i.

of the utmost importance is the fact that i cannot find my bill pay notebook... it is freaking me out. I must take my laptop to best buy and have the shift key fixed ... i like my office but it is much more user friendly to be on my computer downstairs...especially when bill paying, as it is such a horrid task.... back into the groove.

rain

Seems as though time is floating on by, as I am working too many hours, as I feel like it is summer, but not the summers I once dreamed of, yet still, I go on and move within the circles watching and looking and learning. My job, yes, I really do like my job, weird as it is, even when I dislike it, I like it. The paperwork and computer work is a bit much, but managing the floor, and the people and getting things done, that is that challenge everyday, everyday moods, and what nots.

Today it is raining, It is my brother's 50th birthday party, and it should be alot of fun. I havent heard from St all week really as she has been working nights. I miss my grandsons as I haven't seen either of them all week, but it is really ok.
I dont miss the fam that has gone away, I love having my house to just us. It has been a relatively quiet week... no fighting, yelling, and best of all, no agitation...
this i have enjoyed the most.
one week til vacation yippee....then i might get something done.

time to collect all that stuff that hasnt been used or touch for over a year and just chuck. perhaps paint my kitchen, find a plumber, and carpenter to replace my bathroom floor, and work on the yard. so is the plan.

chat

I've learned... so much... yesterday I talked to T my old boss, the person who really wanted me to go into the program. It was the first time we've talked since all the craziness a couple of months ago. She has always been there for me, and stood by me. And yesterday, we were as peers in our discussions, and knowing things as I do, learning as I have, we both said at the same time, better to keep your mouth shut, or else you just get labeled--- whiner. So we laughed at that, but of course, She and I both know, it is a world of the third leg, and we have survived most of its grim truth, although, we don't accept it, we know it is there and maneuver as best we can within the confines... Her husband has to have surgery again, Tuesday, i cant imagine, an aneurysm. God bless them all.

just busines or busyness

stuff just going on...living... i am exhausted and much annoyed as i discovered after i left work yesterday that the hours i have work, i havent gotten paid. over 31 hours to be more precise and that just makes me mad at my boss... i am trying not to be. I learn a valuable lesson. I am going to watch to make sure I get paid every nickle from now on!!!

On another note, the car, my car is still not ready, but it is suppose to be ready this week... that will be a wondershot. Ive not freedom, only work. but it will get better...
i have week's vaca at the end of the month and then two weeks off in september.

today i have to get myself in gear and apply for that job at the imc and hope i get it. some sense of security would be good.

onto doing my job app and housework in very much need.

emotions

yesterday i received a hit of emotional awareness...
the brick came at me so swiftly and has left me profoundly astonished
amazed
a vision come true
the big boss actually said,"if you have problems with a trainer you should let us know." Email M C.
The truth is I am afraid.
I ended up talking with my husband at length about this quandary.
Should I or shouldn't I. But no one should have happen to him or her what happened to me. And --- there are consequences of opening one's mouth... not the same consequences of opening one's mind.
the emotional impact of the entire less than 5 minute chat is still with me this morning. tears...what from -- relief...happiness--- no certainly not.
perhaps just knowing and believing there is something in the universe...some power that knows what is going on...and is willing to let me know it is there, listening and believing in me. Thank you.

something

Heat in your hands

Paper on the floor
bent by crushing weight
wheels not on the rug
on the paper on the floor
twisted not torn
unseen yet felt
like heat too warm
in the hands


Sometimes something comes over me, I can’t explain it
It is a suffering that I want to go away
That I do not want to endure
But nonetheless it is there

I can take a shower
I can get dressed
I can go out and visit friends
I can cook, and clean, and do laundry
And iron, but that something is still there
Like it is now

In my chest a hand pressing down
Is it my heart aching, or breaking
Is it my heart yearning or churning,
Is it my brain cooking and reaching down inside stirring up emotions
Desire
Is that what it is
Heat too warm in your hands

things and people

things --- oh so many things
people --- oh so many people

things and people do fall apart
do get old
get worn out
and even get thrown away
like relationships you've out grown
or people you can't be bothered with
or people who don't want to be bothered with you
or is that true
bother bothers me
beseeches my mind why bother is a word that provokes me to such lengths
no one wants to feel bothered or to be told -- one is bothering another --
or you just don't bother to
does that makes sense
enough of being bothered by bother

the reality is
my green monster is dead, the beast is no longer able to be fixed
my daughter's car still isn't fixed
i have no car of my own, even though back and forth they (my husband and his buddies) have dithered over some contour

I am more than half tempted to purchase a vehicle on my own. I am tired with the annoyance of shuffling people...and my sister will be back from Rome soon. arghhhh

F's grill is deceptive, it looks fine on the outside, to an extent that is, and on the inside, the bottom is ready to fall out.

new grill needed

this is going to be an expensive summer
new mattress
new grill
new car

guess it is a good thing i am working like a dog.
blah

vanilla toothpaste and Dad's day

i bought the vanilla toothpaste new on the market...i usually like everything vanilla, vanilla shake, vanilla coke, vanilla coffee, ice cream etc... but i dont care so much for the lingering vanilla flavor in my mouth after i am done. i dont know if it is being a creature of habit or what. on to the citrus and lemon, hummmm i really have to try that one out.


it is Father's day and my Dad has been gone for a long time. 8.5 years it seems like forever to me, it just really does and it sucks. my life within my family has such a hole in it sometimes i just dont care to be around them anymore, at times the relationships seem trivial.... and it isnt as if i am excluded, but it certainly feels that way. It is little things i am sensitive to, like my sister in law sending out invitaions to my brother's birthday party, but the invitation is specific, mr and mrs, instead of the w family, it just seems so weird to me. i am going to have to call to make sure everyone is invited which probably seems ridiculous as the entire family is going to be there, but it is just weird to me. Sil family got three invitations... her older kids got them, but not mine. i am not going to make a big deal about it, but i feel insulted, probably overly sensitive. they are having the party on a saturday which is just a suck day for us as we both work on saturdays and would have to get the day off.... i just dont see it happening --- we dont even have any vacation planned yet...we will probably send the kids and attend late....arghh...maybe we can get out early that would be a solution... just rambling thoughts....any way...it is Father's day... and I just really feel gloomy, like it is outside, our pool is still not open... the weather has not even been tropical, it has been cold raining foggy, someone said like England..i do not know as i have never been..................................................................being i am just being today... trying to get through this day without having a major melt down because things are not perfect... i have to go shopping and get the chickens and make a cake and do laundry and dishes that i shouldnt have to do.... and it is a day off but it is a day on too...


when i was being programed i asked my dad to help me everyday, he knows what management is like, and you know, my aspirations are not to become a manager, just being what i am is good enough for me. i have a full time job and im going to be able to retire someday...i have no intentions of letting the teacher in me slide and i hope to start school in january to finish my masters but i have to do some reseach first...enough of my dream... without those prayers to my Father i dont know if i would have made it through...it was just a very difficult time....so i know he is there in this universe somewhere...

then there is my husband, he over the years developed a special relationship with my dad, they used to go shellfishing together, something my husband hasnt done since my father died, well not true, we did go once over to the bay and that was a fun day, except for the people who lost their oars and i swam over to save them from being carried away by the current... i forgot about that day... and that was before the horrid back incident...but f rarely goes to my mother's house now; it is obvious to me that everything has changed for him too. we just dont talk about it, it is too painful for the both of us, the friendship...

my brothers are great guys, but... they are not my Dad, and my father was close to both my husband and I at different times, like when my mom moved to the cape with my younger brother and sister, my husband would go to my house and wait for me, my father and him would play cards and sometimes eat hot dogs or fix stuff. it was just the way it was. when my kids were younger, we would go down the cape in the summer, amd my mother always seemed to be away...my father would take my husband shellfishing and they would tinker about together and play cribbage etc...and later I would play too. but mostly they would play and i would take care of the kids and let them be chums. dad and i would food shop and he always remarked, 'i've filled up the napkin holder because i knew the w were coming' i do like napkins and neatness at the table...

my dad always offered me bombs and 1/2 bombs and i've only had 1 since he left. and well i rarely get to play cards anymore, and i rarely go to the cape... day trips for a few hours... that's it. and my husband wonders why i dont want to be buried down there beside him, my husband that is...

throw me in the ocean that is what i really want... i wish he would want that too.... but he says he wants to rot in the ground beside me... nooooooo noooo we have to work this one out....

so anyway i am still greiving for my father, but not just him, but the way things used to be, my kids are older now --- but i still say i miss those days... for they were some of the very very best... i would go off to the beach with the kids and leave the men to themselves... i would sometimes be gone all day... when i got home the men would have cooked...and played cards and napped.... that was a vacation for my husband... i would do the dishes, but i rarely had to cook now that i think about that.... it was just a time that will never be again .... and perhaps that is why F and I are having such a hard time trying to figure out what kind of vacation we would like to take, because for us, our vacations were spent with my Father, down the cape, and he would do his things with my dad, and i would do my things with the kids, and once in awhile f would go to the beach but less and less over the years, as he would chum with my dad... and play cards at night... and that was all we needed... nothing elaborate..... just a different way of being, a different life, that passed away with my Dad...

the closest day i've had since then was probably the day my sister and i went to the beach with the all the kids... that was a fine day. one of the best since i can remember when. my sister is coming at the end of the month... i wonder if we are going to have any good summer days at all... i need to call her for her itineray...

my daughter says i should go tanning to help my illness ...i wonder if it will help i have to go look that up.

well happy Father's day to all dads... i love that Dave mathews song... daughters and dads something special because my dad had a way to make all his daughters feel special...that is just the way he was

quiet

My days have grown better, but still alot to do. The job is good, but need to get out on the street more, always more to learn.

Tuesday was the Field of Dreams at Fenway Park. It was great. We had over 500 kids come to be face painted, make t-shirts and /or work with clay. There was a point where we were overwhelmed by the crowd, but it all went well, and the families went home happy. It was noticeable to me the significant socio-economic divide between the companies who paid to rent the park and those they are holding the fund raising for. Unfortunately, those who are actively participating in the fundraiser by playing a game will never see the ugliness of life the kids they are fundraising for often see. It is all about money. raising money, spending money, and having money --- "old money," not relatively new money because new money can make people make foolish choices, it is the tried and true money that has been invested and divested over the years that is the true wealth of money. What would really be amazing would be to have the kids who get jobs through ABCD come to the park and work that day, but that doesn't seem to be the case -- our students, the dot art students are the only ones we see... i wonder if that could be changed?

time otherwise goes on.
i have an appt for the dermatologist in July sometime. I am tired of the ugly disease. no short sleeves, not short anything -- the pain is pretty severe at times, but not any worse than the entire back incident... so i just keep plugging along.

R and H had another ugly fight, but thank G. not in this house. R is here, H is at the mothers. I miss seeing the baby, but I dont miss the fighting and the upset. It is hard on R. and i suppose on H too, but that is why people dont have babies without having a place of their own first where they can navigate their own space without interfering with other's space.

Personal space is very important when living. without it one might go nuts. dont i know it. i like this moment right now though. i am not tired. i do not have to do for someone else. it is my space alone. I like it, it is more natural the past few days then it has been for months. This I need and I like.

Fred asks for only a chocolate cake for Father's day. Very funny. Still working on that one --- he says he is happy... i believe him.

My mom and sister are away in Rome. Lucky for me, I get to use my sister's car while our car situation is being worked out. St blew her engine and nothing has been easy since then ... carting people around sucks. it probably is different if you have no children but it is certainly not a chariot ride

i want Red Sox's tickets. they are impossible to come by... but i am working on it. F says he will go whoo hoo!!!

shame shame

ive been working so hard, i've no time for anything. havent been writing, havent been calling... looking forward to nyc this weekend. i really need to have some fun.

maybe a new buggy next week... too bad ive grown fond of the wagon..i dont know what we are going to do. Ricky bought a little car, it reminds me of my younger sister's old one. I think it will be a good car for him and his family. i pray that all things work out. cant believe it is memorial day weekend wow.

Life death, little annoyances

Today there was a comment on my blog, receive a college degree.... well I have two --- big deal... having to screen comments to avoid spam is an annoyance... but it is minor compared to the people here who have lost their homes, and are living in shelters because of the floods. Luckily, we have a new drainage system in place that seems to be working well, but we had 4 feet of water in the basement once, and I don't want to have to go through that again.

I pray for strength, and peace for those who have to deal with the aftermath and recovery ...water--- life giveth and taketh away...nature...

the job is going ok... lots to learn, but loving it.... i hope it stays this way...

On the other note, death has come to the family. My aunt, 83, i think she was passed away. My daughters noticeably upset, my sons, a little shaken. "She always seemed so strong, so febrile,old but not so old" My oldest went crabbing with her as a child, my grandson has a big green seahorse given to him by my aunt...

my cousin, her daughter, we were close as children, well as close as cousins can be in a way... in our early teens, my cousin met someone and fell in love, her mother threatened her, do not marry him, he has no college degree, he wants to be a lock smith... they were madly in love...

my cousin went to cornell... left school to be with the locksmith...went to bu...mother threatened her again... do not marry him...

she moved away to delaware, started her life again, got her masters, met someone new, got married and within 6 months she was dead..plane crash, burned to death...

my aunt, strong women, but very controlling, she lived a good long life, even though tragic ..... My God Bless her and keep her...

It will be a long two days...wakes and funerals....

one week gone by

it is a week since i went to my new assignment, and i like it..i really like it...
i have so much to learn, so many things to juggle...lots of paperwork, but i am managing, once i get the unit caught up and adjust some routes, i think it will be ok.... i am sure i will have some horrid days, but for the moment... i am liking it. whew!

first day in new station

saturday i went to the station, it is being run by all people under 30...for the most part that is. i am impressed....i am also impressed at the cleanliness of the building as it used to dark and scary.

i am as nervous as a cat.... but saturday went ok..today i will be assigned wint.. a community that is on the water and the carriers will be mine.... i look forward to the challenge as it will be a new challenge for me being as the decisions will be mine. more learning, always more to learn...

I pray for strength after the beating I took.

two days til i am doomed? i wonder

i wonder as i take this path if this is a mistake... like so many of the mistakes one makes but --- no one forced it upon you...
everyone in my station likes me, the carriers are good to me and even when they are messing with me, they still like me.

i dislike some of them because they try to screw with me, me being new, but it is just the way it has to be. i am so tired of having to not deal with them on my own basis.

now mike d seems to like me just fine. so i dont know what i did...tb has been different to me though. so .... something must have happened either inside his head or else where....

barbara has always been nice to me.... we did never go over my evaluation but hey what can i say....

now that jerk sj needs to be proven wrong... i just cant wait is all i can say.

bring it on.
one day left in the station

thank god...
but what ever nightmare i might enter ...that i am not too sure about.

Tuesday

got through the day--- it is true I am so unhappy, js is correct about that, but why wouldnt i be unhappy with the way i have been treated.... Fred is supportive but then again he is not in my shoes and he is just not getting my own reservations about the entire situation ...is it worth it... he says money...i am thinking more like moving out of the cs position into one where i dont have to deal with the carriers .... i am sick of the entire facade that is coming about through this process...suffering for sure. i dread graduation... f.this i feel like saying

getting by

well i was almost axed from the program. my coach who is supposed to meet with me a bunch of times during this process did not approve of my promotion. it went before the board and they voted ok to let me pass with reservations. i have my own reservations. but i am going to be quiet still....and just go in an do my best to do a good job, i dont know how i can learn anything from someone who doesnt see that he doesnt want to teach me. i am the loser though because i do not have the power that he has ...or bc had that obvicously went elsewhere. but what hurts me, what truly hurts me deeply is that my integrity has been questioned. And I said that to my coach. You have questioned my integrity. That bothers me. It is going to be a long day, and Valerie says, I have been labeled. I think that is absolutely true, by whom I do not know. Censured is what should be written. No new job is easy but i am worried about selling out my soul. more because i am not recognized for what i know but what i dont know. and well i just cant believe dg said anything bad about me..

Training I dont wan

Training  I don’t want to forget

More of THE FIRM

I have one week to go in this program.  I am a bit dismayed for I am wondering just what will happen to me.  Will I quit?  Will I be assigned an early or a late end?  Will I end up in a big station or a small station?  

It really doesn’t matter to me, for the truth is I will still just be only an ASP graduate, but I will be a “real” supervisor which has been my goal since deciding to try to get into the program.

I feel lucky that I was trained by Dawnmaire my first few weeks as I really had a lot to learn.  She was patient with me, and also followed protocol that we were taught in class.  But the last few weeks have been a horror show for me, first being put with Brian Coyne who flunked someone out of our class, and then tried to flunk me too, because I dated to say that every station was different.  

Now here I am again in a situation that I have tolerated but certainly have not excelled in.  The first day I was with Tom B he trashed my class Too many ptf’s that don’t know the business.  I know people who have been 204b’s for 5t years that were not taken into the program….etc.  How much am I supposed to just say ok ok….
And stuff was  brought up---
Information about our class that only people in the class could or should know.  Humm, who is the informant.  

Then of course, Janet Gomes flunked out.  “She’s the first one we’ve lost”  Yeah, well what can I say.  I don’t know why Janet didn’t pass, she only needed a 1. In my mind she either wasn’t trained or she just blew the test.  TB and all the other supervisors talk about the financial supervisor all the time behind her back.  It is really disgusting.  This is not a good place for me to be but I am just going to deal with it.

Week 2.  More of the same, questioned without being taught.  Not allowed to really do anything.  David Y the manager was leaving.  I requested to do a service talk, No one said wait, The entire episode was chaotic.  Tom B spends most of his time in the office and on the phone.  He bangs the desk with his fist while working things out on paper, he’s actually pretty scary.  Not someone I would call for help.  Jim Holland reamed him for inaccurate projections.  I need to learn that stuff but he is not teaching me and that sucks.

Office hours change, street hours never change.  I don’t make myself clear enough.  How can I when I feel so intimidated.  I am putting on the face and going with the flow as soon as I graduate I am going to get someone to teach me what I need to know.  Right now I am just going to put up and shut up, I’ve been in enough trouble.
God help me is all I can say.






Week 15

This week has been a nightmare.  I called  ville  the week before trying to do the right thing.  

Barbara have a nice vacation.
Do you want me to work Saturday?
What time should I report?

I was informed that Jillian was shooting her mouth off.  That the manager of Cheut Hill was brought into pedc.  

My thoughts, Well what do you want me to say?  
What happened?  

Well that girl has just made herself a bunch of enemies.

Ok Tuesday reported to work.  TB says nothing.  He is at the supervisors stand up desk instead of the office.   I go to the computer in the office and start some morning work…The printer is not working.  I go to the stand up desk where Tom tells me we need a new cartridge etc….

I ask--- How is everything?
Good.
What’s going on?
Not much,

Tom works the number in Tacs and Doir.  He says nothing to me.
Later he asks, “: Have you done an 1838?”  Yes I answer.  He takes me to case--- you’re going to count out Keefe.  
It is 7:30 the carriers are coming in.  He counted the mail etc.  I start the count down I am working.  Jen Bren prf comes to the case instead of Keefe.  I still count her.  She declined to count herself.  It is about 8.  I go to Tom and Mike DeM at the stand up desk.  “You are going to work the floor.”  Tom B says.

I ask well what has been done, what has been put into Dois.  He says all the paper work is done.  I really dislike this man; he is just not a good trainer.  Great Supervisor, no doubt but not a good trainer.  Just like Be Cy, knows the job but doesn’t know hoe to teach it.  Arghh more of the same shit…

Later I go into the office TB is in a snit about having to change and adjust clerk schedules because the other supervisor, who was a clerk, doesn’t do her job, at least according to TB.  

The oppression I felt was horrid.

At the end of the day, I spend time trying to pry open TB’s mind.  We have a talk that I think he productive.  
I found out the only reason why I was on the floor was because Jim Holland called.  He wants to know if you can work the floor?“Well” I asked, “What do you think?”
“I don’t know.”


Well that was honest, how could he know.  First of all, the first two weeks in the station I followed Barbara around like a puppy.  The carriers even made jokes about it.  But hey, that goes with the territory.  

The next week, Barbara let me count mail and work with the carriers, but she sells the time, and when she is off one morning as I was selling time, Mike Do takes the clipboard from me, like I was doing something unthinkable.  The look on his face was one of horror.  I know they are thinking, she’ll sell out the ship.  There was no feedback about anything.  I request my evaluation from BH two days in a row, Friday and Saturday….and was told, don’t worry about it.  I will get it to you.  

That week was ok, but Barbara didn’t have me do any of the time changes that are regularly done … ?  Nor could I do the schedule, “Not my schedule!” she said.

What am I supposed to do?  She also said, “When I was in training I wasn’t allowed to do anything?”  Hummm what is up with this…. I hear that a lot.

There is no consistency in the program that is the truth about the trainers…..

Anyway…Back to TB  -- so how could he evaluate my floor performance or any of my performance… So he let me know that I was going to work the floor and he wss going to be hard on me.

So yesterday, he reamed me for not pivoting because we had 18 extra hours in the office.  And I didn’t even ask him, why would I ask him anything, every time I asked him something he seemed annoyed.  When I asked him Thursday what his impression of the day was, he said he hadn’t made the decision yet.  We were under in DOIS and I knew it.  But I just let it go… I had saved time even though I had to run the list.  Did he say anything to me on Friday, no he didn’t.  He looks at me as a lesser because I was a clerk, not a carrier.  What a big head this man has!  

About the 18 hours, I would have loved to say to him, well let me see, you did the schedule, You called in the entire F set to cover the day when you didn’t need to.  If you hadn’t called in every person I could have pivoted people, but You called them in for 8, and you think I am going to send home the two subs who get the shit end everyday,  That would not be how I treat my complement.  For another fact, You think that I don’t know that Ed L was on a tirade in ally 58 because of the steward election.  I was down there, but I did not intervene, I am only here next week, and it is not my place to get involved in something that has been going on in this station for months, and this employee felt obligated to voice his opinion.  That is necessary for the work force to be able to speak.
So then he went on about the mail flow, hey, I was paying attention, I was the one who made sure Dale was going to do the hub, I also didn’t answer about the iop report because if I said that to you again, I was afraid you would take my head off again as you did a couple of weeks ago.

More stuff was said this week about my class, and about Jillian.  Really I felt like saying, you are so big headed….. TB the great! whooptido

However the same courtesy is not afforded to me, for I don’t even have as much power as a 204b, I cant go out on the street and do any kind of street work without someone, I can’t do 3971’s even though the manager told me to do so, but I didn’t say to him, Mike I cant do them, T B told me so.  I am so sick of this.

He says I miss volume but I didn’t miss volume: they inflate their volume, they also don’t count their curtailment.  I am so pissed right now it is not funny.  I need counseling from this.    Is this the way it is going to be when I get to a station?

If my manager hammers me because I mess up, fine and dandy, but my trainer  hammers me without me messing up, or about me messing up because I go to him or I don’t go to him.  Geesh.  God help me!!!

My trainer is not training me, he is testing me.  Had I know I was going to have to jump through hoops, I might not have even bothered to try to succeed.  My entire disposition toward the program has changed.  It sucks.  

My friend is also complaining that they too are not getting the training they need.

Some are left to sit and do nothing, others are told to do mundane tasks.  Others are told to be quiet.  Others are told you don’t cut the mustard.  When I get through I am going to write something about this to the postmaster.  I best wait for if I open my mouth now they probably won’t pass me.  

It is the FIRM

papercollector

more of the same

went to class today... of course there were the same issues...
reminders that we are still trainees and expected to behave in such a manner
reminders that we have yet to graduate
it is bull shit...
threatening is what I call it
again not allowed to question, or when we question given non specific answers.
i will see where i am assigned next week i really dont give a shit what they do coz it is bs
giving someone no credit for what that person knows is a degrading and a force in itself....

and well my trainer who said ...ill give you a good one gave me a great one until she evaluated me on stuff I didnt do with her, how can she evaluate such things. Ive really had it with the entire process, and right now I feel like quitting. I feel as if I am selling my soul to get someplace... it is like academia... games games games...God give me strength

Good Friday

It is the Friday before Easter. I don't have to work having worked til 5 am... but I am exhausted even though I slept well from about 5 til 9 30... I guess 4.30 hours just doesnt do it for me anymore--6 straight is workable, even though I rested on the sofa i still am exhausted...eyes tired no energy tired, but it is really nice outside. Johnny is here for the day and being patient with his tired grandmother. I do feel okay though, 2 weeks left to the program or 10 working days. Two classroom days, 7 days in the station and one graduation day. We get to invite 2 people but I've invited only one, my husband ---i sorted invited my mother, but i dont think she really wants to come, it would be a hassel for her to come up from the cape... Everyone else has school or work so that's that's except for dil...and well, She just drives me mad. She left today before I even got up, she knew Johnny was coming and it is obvious to me that she doesnt like to share the house with the child, which is total bs because he is my grandson too And I am happy to have him here. When will she get over herself? that's what I am wondering. And actually, I wish she would get a job so they could afford to move out, but i dont see that happening either. this journal is becoming a whine mobile. arghhh.

travel..and unravel...or raveling

humm... drove about 5 hours tonight between going to nwb nashua nwb and back to beantown.... my leg is kicking up badly. tomorrow i will have the two boys, go to build a bear and pray it isnt raining for i wanted to take them to the park. it is 2 am ...we were dimissed abit early which was good. i dont know how much more of this we can all take. two weeks after tomorrow and i have to call my trainer and Vf to find out what is going on with that. the last week we will only have two days in the station whoopee and everyone says report to new job on saturday..also take time off...well i am not putting in for time until i see where i end up and then from there. i would like to have some time off in the summer ...everyone laughs.

got into an argument with jilliam..the girl just doesnt get it... of course the state has standards of learning...i could seriously have some issues with that girl.

more of the same...

no evaluation from my trainer yesterday.... vf says.... call her up get her to do her job. it is so frustrating having to ask people to do their jobs. it just sucks. it is so frustrating to be in this program and have all my classmates feel like i feel. we only have 2 plus weeks left and it is torture. God help us all!

as time goes by

i never wonder about the past, but often about the future, not any more than when i was younger though... i am more fearful of "losing" not wealth, but health, more fearful of "losing" touch with my inner self, and bowing down to the minions.... the other day an argument of sorts took place. a person i work with who has 4 children also, the oldest is 10, the youngest still an infant...

---he said.....i am going to direct my children to where i want them to be. my daughters will be nurses, my son -- he's in sports, he's making connections, I know he wont be a bobby orr but he is still making connections that will be useful for getting a job in a high paying position later in life...

he continued,

it isn't about being happy it is all about money...

i said -- not everyone can be a nurse....
he said....there are other types of nursing careers...
i said, but who wants to be one? a very difficult choice....
and then he said...my wife is a teacher she made a bad choice, she cant teach while the kids are home...
sure she could, i could have continued to argue but why bother...

there are always choices one has to make and from there things are decided...
career / no career
business / arts / humanity / science / politics / education / how many fields
and where is the money?

money does matter but it isnt the only satisfaction in life

i have learned to do without many times in my life, not just clothing but going out, new cars, new lots of things that really just get old and need to be thrown out after awhile... entertainment... ---- you name it, i've gone without because living life and being happy doesnt necessitate always having the best of every "thing" to me, the best part of my life is my relationship with my husband,
integrity, respect and a love that people dream of ...but it has not come about easily....

my innocence in youth perhaps helped me upon this path, but the truths i have witnessed as i have aged and watched my children grow have given me a vision i really dont care to see or to know but nonetheless i have to accept...
still for myself... i choose
for life and living,

the drive to no where
a walk in the woods, or a hike in the hills
lazing on the beach from 9 til sunset
reading and swimming
sleeping til noon
or staying in bed all day and night ... til the next day... if i could
staying up late and watching a good movie even though i know i have to work the next day
making a great dinner and having a small group over for conversation
my family coming together impromptly
and children who have opinions but dont have to argue --- could this be possilbe?

i choose simplicity
if only it were that simple

another week gone...

down to only 3 weeks minus one day left. am i going to make it? I best because I never want to have to go through this shit again. Sometimes I really second guess this reality, but then again, I know what is out there is not worse than what i have to deal with. There are three bids still up west roxbury, quincy, two in cambridge and a few more places whoa... what will I be looking at in May...hum hum hum

pouring out

rain washes the earth today, sometimes rain can be so dirty, i wonder what we are doing to our planet or so that is the way of nature, maybe to earthy crunchy but it is true, mankind rages havoc with the planet...

read today zimbawee however you spell it as i have to go to work, age 36 ..life expectancy. i would most likely be dead if i lived there. sad and tragic.

i think about what i can be thankful for and i am...
i just hope my husband gets well...he has been having trouble with his reflux and it gets upsetting to see him suffer

off to work to deal with the carriers, i will just let Barbara sell as i dont want to give the house away.

i know it wont be easy when i am sent wherever but at least i will be able to have some initiative without being watched at every moment. arghhh God help me get through this.

1:30

time moves on. it is strange to me that i write stuff and post it and then see spelling etc. errors later, but it really doesnt matter coz this stuff is to clear my head and work through the crap i am going through.

now tb has been off and it has been a good couple of days. bh and i get along fine. i am really thinking that alot of men have problems with women in the workplace... Especially if it is a smart man who meets a smart woman, intimidation seems to be the way they progress. now i haven't had any other problems with any of the other people in the office. even those who bark...and i did find out about a barker... and i could write about that one, but since i will only be there this week and then i get a break from them maybe i best just try to get out of the place... unscathed.... for what ever it is worth i just really can't wait til this is over ...it is like torture.

on the home side there was a terrible blow up the other day... and well i just dont know how much more i can take. i am not going to sacrifice the health and well being of the entire family because i have one tyrant child ---man. i see this as his challenge to get over his control freak, and abusive behavior...... then he would be a really great person.
so i hope for this. until then may God help us All!

i have to pay my taxes this weekend or by the 15th .... boo hoo... that would have been a nice vacation.

inspiration and hope

well it is 5 am and i am trying to get myself together to go back to this place that i dont really want to go to ...so it is a challenge. It is so weird when you have to sit down and look at yourself and say, what did i do to create this situation, and then assess what you can do to fix things. i dont really know how to fix things because with them i never knew i was saying anything that would shock or horrify or otherwise insult them until i had already said it, so here is Tuesday and I have to work straight through Saturday which is not very appealing to me, not because I dont want to work, but because of the weight of the oppression i feel.... just sucks.
but I will try to be positive and build upon the negatives (even if I disagree) I will not say anything about anything but just go in and run report and educate myself as that is the way it appears to me that I have to do. I obviously appear incompetent and that is not good. Especially since I know I am not. I am totally trying to keep my nerves intact. This really really sucks.

On the other hand...yesterday while in my usual doodles I came across a theme for some work which i hope I will create... So if i make it through this i might actually do some artwork and some more writing besides all this whinning and get on with things.

i hate being a grown up. it is much easier to play in a world where there are no responsibilites and you can just do what you want when you want.

i suppose the opposite of BIG would be me. let me be little again with my innocence intact, without the knowledge of the world and what it does to people and dreams and families and the innocents themselves. the burden of knowledge is sometimes too great. it is a weight that can imprision ones mind and being, it is also a tool though however if you are an educated person working with those who think you think you are something better than those who are not educated that can sometimes cause great strife. fear...who is this person ...what is he she trying to prove.

arghh i must get on with this

more of the old

There is nothing like the dread that comes, like being a little kid and not doing your homework, the feeling like, I'm in for it. That is how I feel. I am so worn out by this entire process it is disgusting that I am still in it.
Last night I said I was gong to quit, if this is what things are like now, what are they going to get to be like. only worse before better.

quitter that's what was said -- dont be a quitter... they are trying to push you out because of fear, or jealousy or some other motivation

what is the motivation behind the conversation. what a horrid why to go through all of this
with 4 weeks less it is Mom's way, put up and shut up, dont say a word-- it is obvious that other supervisors feel threatened when a person comes in and views their operations and see that things are not the way the instructors are instructing, never mind the fact that it is sooo difficult to work with a group that identifies themselves as such and if you are not in that group watch out. The select fews have "chit chats" about those who are not, it is highschool again and it is bs. I was never like that in High School why would I be that way now?

dream

For the past few weeks I've had this horrid dream that wakes me up, and sends me running out of the bed, it is so real that I cannot rest again until I've talked to all of my kids, ...I am sleeping and I hear a horrid cry, Mom, Mommy and then I wake up. The cry seems as it if is real life, I wonder if my soul is suffering.

I've also had bad dreams about the po. Never mind the daydreaming on how to deal with the situation, but my daughter reminded me that the po sucks. She reminded me of how many supervisors have an fantastic attitude about what they do, they are great and you suck... She reminded me of all the reasons why I wanted to leave the place, and here I am going some place on the career path that is the opposite to all that I am.

I will be silent in class tomorrow as much as I can be. The oppression has to stop!!! I believe in myself and that counts for alot if you ask me.

thinking

my soul is reaching out and feeling what is this that has come about
what karmic lesson or what new journey, what do i not want to become
I certainly do not want to become that which I have visited or been priviledged to bear witness to, why would I
the negativity is great.

I will bear with it.
Only one week in this station and then I have a break from them thank God, then I will be with the ass alone, and what will happen then I do not know, but personally I really dont care.

He doesnt see himself.
I try to see myself everyday, but that doesnt mean I dont see myself as a fool wandering a path back and forth
questioning, is this worth it?
I ve been through so much shit it really sucks,
I am just trying to do something for my family to make our lives a bit better
I didnt get here through the help of anyone but myself, i did higher level I didn a 991 i did pass the interview, and the tests and the first section of the training, and now to be berated just because I mention something where does that put me, do i want to co operate, no i want to run
I want to run so fast it isnt funny
Can i change things in the long run?
who knows what are my goals...stay in focus, just stay in focus....

thoughts write it out

i have no way to deal with this really... there is only one thing to do and that is to write it out or else i will go mad. the temptation is too great, i want to call him and say what is your fn problem, what did i do to you, ive had to sit and listen to you on how you think theyve made so many mistakes picking people for the program and other stuff you have said about it, and i have to wonder really what is up your ass? but i dont because it just seems to me that talking to you will get me know where, there should be a joint communication, that is all and i dont think that being questioned is like being taught...but hey so goes the way of the world,
you cant show someone how to do something once and expect the person to know it. I think it is just bs that is for sure.
this is such a lonely place,a very lonely place.... not knowing how to handle it, is it worth it, i want to call him and say ...did i do something to piss you off... i want to say to him, what is your problem? but i am not at least for now, my better judgement tells me to let it go and just get on with things...not say a word to b or him about anything for certain they really have made some judgments about me that they are not sharing, but they judge everyone in the office.... it is really sickening. Help!

another bad day

I dont know how much longer I can take the bs. as that is what it is.
Now i am in another situation a team, that I am dividing, how does someone come into a place and disrupt the team>? it is bs. I feel some severe bad energy from him but what can I say. F says let it go. Yes, I want to let it go but it is bs. There is only so much I can take. I'll do this week and be glad to go on to the otherside. It is really ridiculous the feedback that this guy is giving out about my class, and I havent said a word back. God save me from all this!

A Babe Story

Babe Wants a Job


By Connell Mathews



Once upon a time in the Forest of Destiny there was a fairy named Babe. She lived in a pea pod under the Willow Tree down by the grassy knoll. Babe was a special fairy with green eyes, and heartshine, for if Babe was to smile at you, and you were downtrodden, you would be filled with happiness, at least for a little while.

When Babe was young she had four flowers that she tended to every day, two pink with silver stems and two blue, with golden stems, but as Babe grew older, so did her flowers, and soon there was a garden that many fairies tended to. The King of the Woodland never assigned another job to Babe, so often, time was her own, and Babe was free to do what ever she pleased.

Babe loved to travel. Sometimes, she would visit the Land of the Humans, and other times she would camp out at the Rainbow River and laugh at the leprechauns and elves because they had wild parties where they sang and danced and fell into the water, but none of them could swim. If needed, Babe would use her magic to rescue them. Babe would, of course, visit the Black Rose to hear about things unknown, but often times Babe was alone.

Babe was older now, and a bit wiser, and although some don’t realize it, fairies do get to an age when they are less inclined to roam, however, Babe never lost her fever for discovery.

On one cold day in January, Babe packed her wand in her fairy satchel along with some honey, some magic sprinkles, her notebook, her glasses, and hopped upon her poppy stick and flew.

First, Babe went to visit her sister, Dawn. Dawn only came out when the sun was down, that was the kind of fairy she was. Dawn was the oracle for the littlest ones and very busy all night long. When Dawn saw Babe, she whispered aside, “Hey, hey, and they fluttered their wings and hugged. I’m so glad to see you.”

Babe watched Dawn work through the night, exhausted in the morn; Dawn fell asleep as they talked. Babe pouted, “Why hadn’t the King of the Woodland given her another job.” When dusk came Dawn awoke, but she was too busy to visit with Babe: two new fairies were coming their way. Babe hugged her sister good bye and went on her way, but she didn’t have a way.

Babe felt a tear in her eye as she flew. There was nothing here or there, there was nothing new, or so she thought until she wasn’t paying attention and into a hole in a Redwood tree she flew.

Bump, Bump, Bump, Babe bumped down through the trunk of the tree, down through all ledges that lead to limbs, and roots. Down into the ground Babe found herself covered with dirt and goo.

“Arghh!” Babe shouted at herself, “How could this have happened? Where am I? How could this be, no one is allowed to make tunnels under trees.”
Babe tried to fly up, but her wings were covered with goo. Her poppy stick was stuck above her, but she couldn’t reach it either. Babe looked around and searched for something she could climb on, but there was not-a thing she could use.
She took off her fairy satchel and looked for her whistle, but she didn’t have it, she’d forgotten it. Oh, what was Babe to do?

Babe sat down and began to cry. She hadn’t cried for a very long time, at least one hundred years, she thought. Why was she crying now? She was older and wiser, and, and, she lost her thoughts as she whimpered for a Big Rat, with a very large head and missing tooth was coming toward her. He was smacking his lips and breathing through the hole where his tooth was missing. Babe wondered if he was going to try to eat her.

Taking out her magic sprinkles, Babe tried to hide, but the goo made the dust disappear. Babe backed up further and further into the tunnel as the Rat moved closer and closer toward her.

Finally Babe stopped, “What do you want?”
But the Rat didn’t speak; he just kept gnashing his one big tooth.
Babe held out her fairy wand, “Please, I don’t want to hurt you.”
But the Rat put out his paws, with long nails, he grabbed her fairy wand and snapped it, and then he snatched her fairy satchel away.
Babe tried to flutter her wings again, but the goop was just too thick.
“Help help” cried Babe, but soon she found herself in a cage.
“He, he,” snarled the Rat, “I’ve got myself a fairy.”
“He he,” the Rat snarled some more, "And I’ve got her fairy satchel. What does she have in here?” said the Rat as he emptied the contents onto the tunnel floor.

Babe moved back as far as she could from the paws of the Rat,”Who are you?” She hollered. “What are you doing building a tunnel beneath the Redwood trees, you know that is not allowed? Wait till the King of the Woodlands finds out. You'll be thrown from the Forest of Destiny, just you wait and see.”

The Rat paid her no mind, he didn’t even introduce himself, he put on her glasses, and then glared at Babe in the cage.
“You’ll see,” said the Rat, “You are no threat to me, and neither is the King. I’m going to catch the King of the Woodland, too, and then I will be King! And then what will you do?” The Rat bellowed so loud his sound shook all the under land of the Woodlands, but he was so big headed he never even realized it.






Far away, in the castle of the King, reports came in from all over the Forest of Destiny. “Earthquake.” “Earthshake.” “Tremors.” “Catastrophe.”

“How could that be?” questioned the King. “Bring the Moles before me, I must have a report. Have them investigate immediately and report their findings 1, 2, 3.”

Within the hour the Moles reported, “Sire, there is something odd, we’ve found a series of tunnels beneath the Oldest Redwood tree. They are lined with goo and we are unable to travel through. The goo attaches to our feet and makes us unable to move.”

The King was worried. He agreed to meet the Moles at the site to investigate this himself. He brought along a team of engineers, one scientist, and the chief wizard to assist.



Babe sat in the cage deep in the tunnel. The Rat glared at her from time to time. “Maybe he is sad,' Babe thought to herself. So Babe began to grin and she smiled, perhaps her heartshine would help her. But the Rat glared back at her,” What do you think, this is funny? You stupid fairy. I know all about you. I know you are the King's favorite and he will come to rescue you.”

“The King doesn’t even know I am here,” said Babe. “You better send him a ransom note.”
The Rat shook his head, “I don’t have to listen to you. I know what I’m going to do," and without even looking before he leapt, he went up through the tunnel, as if he was going up through a shoot.
Babe sat down and tried to reach for her satchel, but it was no use.

When the Rat jumped out of the hole, he found himself inside a trap. The moles, the engineers, and the scientists had planned it.

The Rat was angry,” He was spitting ashes as he spoke, “You think you’ve got me, but there's something you don’t know. And I’m not going to tell you, so you better let me go.”

The King spied into the trap, he saw the glasses on the Rat. He knew immediately that they were Babes and he whispered to the wizard, "Babe must be saved."

The wizard blew into the tunnel and the goo dissipated. Down into the hole climbed the moles.
Babe was sitting on the lock of the cage trying to open it,”Oh Oh, thank-you, thank-you, you’ve come to save me. Hey, how did you know to rescue me?”
The moles told Babe the King had sent them.
But how did he know? Babe wondered, but then the chief mole held out her glasses,
“Oh you’ve caught the Rat, how fantastic!”



The next week, Babe made an appointment to visit the King.
“Oh, Sire," she asked, “Why don’t you give me a job?”
And the King replied, “But Babe don’t you see, you have not one, but many. You’ll find them on your own, and don’t think that I won’t know.”

With that Babe was happy. She went home for a bit, but Babe knew when it struck her fancy, that something was not yancy in the Forest of Destiny, it was time for her to roam.

C 2006