sleeping on shoulder

woke at 2 am shoulder sore, unable to move
frozen by the weight of my own self
i know i passed out earlier
the stress makes me sleep
R's friend call, "Havent seen him all day"
I checked the caller ID, the friend called at 11 30 in the morning,
so there it is --- Is he dead? Hurt? Arrested?

My mother called to ask about Thanksgivng ... I have no plans. I dont even have a plan for ourselves. I dont tell her, why and what for... She says she loves me as she hangs up. I believe her, we just dont have the same plane, my plane never steers straight... it is constantly running into turbulence.... on the other hand, i dont know how my mother would handle it all, and why should she have to? when my brothers wanted to live a different life they removed themselves from her, and i see it now, years later how it is easier for her to not talk about it, or what ever it maybe.... and I am not that way, but I am, as I am doing it with my own daughter right now, not seeing i to i, it is her righteousness


I am supposed to attend a baby shower Sunday with the oldest, but I dont think Ill go to that either. I am pissed, my youngest is never invited, the oldest one says, but she, they dont know her, but the man is her god father.... I dont blame her for feeling forgotten. I can send a gift and keep my time for myself --- snob..maybe ...but no...just relative to where i am right now...

Cant even talk about it with people I know, because regardless of their ... sympathy, or support it doesnt help. The weight is there, my shoulder hurts when I move it, but not when I touch it, a sign of weight not injury.

and that is the point...

this weight can not be seen by those that do not know
this weight can not be felt by those who do
everything else is connected to the weight
all perspective is made upon bearing of the weight
and all decisions too.

the weight upon my shoulder is the not knowing
the pain is true, real, physical
anger sits there too
as does frustration, and the knowledge of
the relativity of truth

the weight, i refuse to let it own me
but it is chewing away at me,
i run, but it wont let up,
the disease has taken over
thought that is all i can do

i wonder, if one day I will not be able to get
out of bed, and go to work, and do my job because
they know nothing of what I am going through, it is like a safe
haven. To go there, is peaceful, and then to have someone yell in my face
and point a finger at me, I feel like saying to him, what is your problem
you think your finger shaking and voice mean a thing to me, you are nothing --
i have the strength of a Spartan when it comes to you, you have no idea of the weight I already carry, you are only a feather to me. It is odd... they say I have the toughest job in the office, the truth is it isnt, because if I am not there, someone else will be, and well, all that is not relative to my life, only this weight that i carry, that is killing me.