wellness

i found this note i wrote to myself in January 22 of 2002, obviously it was a note to help me to continue with my studies and not deter from my goals, but it still rings true to this day for me--

wellness
wellnes is a state of being
physically and mentally equipped with the ability to cope with incapacity.
when you do not have the ability, stamina, to cope, you run to fantasy.
Fantasy makes what is unbearable bearable, but when your fantasy is something you can not make reality and you have strived beyond the fantasy and the reality, there goes the equipment to cope, to hold,
thereby this state of being creates an incapacity that can not be taken or understood as anything but grief.
Bereavment must take place for without it, the inability to cope will go on, insanity will remain.
Acceptance is a must, fill the void with what you are capable of doing and go from there.
Crushed dream, worked for, for so long, don't tell me it is okay, it is not, let me grieve for my desire, and let me say good bye, and then build something from the ashes of myself.

Where was I then? I was recovering from my surgery, stuggling everyday with the desire to go on to be well, to be myself, something i am now, but i am not, physically i lost strength, and power, mentally defeated, i carried on.... and now i am grateful i did not fall, but yes, i still look back and realize my physical incapacity is what killed my dream, the inability to work work and home, not enough strength in me. how wretched and cruel life can be, some day i will go back there, some day i will be doing it because i know i will