morning

seeking quiet --- everyone is up.... i am still tired as i stayed up way too late -- the Cake is so thoughtful of Pugsly... now if he would just stop lifting his leg.....

I cannot believe it is August 18th..it seems near impossible, Dianna will be back in school in three weeks... and I who was going to do something about taking a class has yet to do so... God it will be tough I havent been in school for over 5 years.... Is that Possible? I have to decide what I am going to do... now... wow...

I will have the Bub tomorrow and drive his mother back home ...I will see how that goes.
It is fully how G and I get along... omg.

quiet tired

Friday, G is going to nights, EB is mine for the day. Work is crazy and I've been a yoyo.... oH WELL give me strength...to think about other thinks.

back at the grind

it's been less than a week and i am back into the grind, i also blew monday off and was told Tuesday that I was needed to work at least through September... Mondays off goodbye.... it was nice while it lasted. my main intention is to get out of work on time instead of being so late everyday ... it crimps the focus on what i can do and what i can get done.

Di is now a junior as she passed her math ... She did do her work and I think it was good for her. Next year will be easier I hope except for the fact that she is talking about going to college in Canada... this college thing will be a lot of work, and alot of travel as we will probably start visits after January....She goes from one extreme to another about where she wants to go to school, so ... oh well, i will look at the positives.

Summer is winding down, not so many days at the beach this year, and a lot more dificult having no time to myself on Sundays --- but then again, the Bub, is growing in leaps and bounds, he calls us on the phone now, and he is just a happy special boy...

And the Cake, how he is just the most precious child growing into that inbetween age, and how he has grown with his friends and the time he had spent here this summer....

life is good....
oh yeah

back at the grind

hot hot hot....im melting

Went back to work after a fab vacation mostly spent at home, but F and I did venture out to Mohegan Sun for a lazy Sunday alone ... It was really a fun evening... and we got to hear Eric Burdon and the Animals sing.... House of the Rising Sun, F's song that relates to his upbringing...and It's my life... lol and just a lot of fun music while we gambled away a few hours.
Probably the funniest part of the evening was when I decided I wanted a player's club card... I went to the desk and was told to "wait there" by the girl at the kiosk....however you spell it...anyway... I said after 5 minutes ..is there a problem.... oh, she said to me, there is a problem with the computer.... so i said... really? as others had come and gone.... and sure enough...along comes a security office.... hummm, i said, what is the problem...and i was told i was banned from the casino...... I said vehemently, I've never even been here... true true, and then.... away i had to go with the security office... where i was checked out...and vindicated --- innocent of the charges....apparently there is another person in Mass with my name and in bad standing.... hummmm an outlaw of some short... So I laughed at that one, and of course F thought it was unfair as he came to rescue me and we lost our place in the free line...

the ride home was dark and creepy for much of the time and we got off the road to get gas and ended up in a small town that came right out of a horror story...we laughed alot and hurried back home

...i know i probably wont go to Mohegan again... Foxwoods is far enough and they are supposed to be building a casino in mass...

my friends at work say suffolk downs...uh oh... that makes me nervous...very close to home... and to my employees...

temptation ...oh yeah

work work work

I've been back to work only a few days and they have been hectic ones. Injuries to employees and paperwork, discipline and other various tasks constant ... at times i just hate it, but other times i love it. what is wrong with me?

alas, had a long conversation with my older sister about our Mom's health, and she and I agree on many of facets regarding the comings and goings of her health care. i feel vindicated in my feelings regarding the discussion with my brother.

My boss gave me tickets to the up and comings at Fenway, but no one is available to go ... so I guess I will give them off, perhaps another time... too bad St is down the cape, Dd is working and I refuse to go with Mugsey.... Fred cant get time as he took time earlier this week....oh well...I will give them to PB i am sure he would love to have them especially since his tickets are not in the same row...weird....

working on my novel finally -- i think i am stronger now and can deal with the rereads etc and the work involved in making it a better read...who knows... it will be an accomplish ment if i can work through each section and complete it as I never seem to be able to get there...but hopefully ....i will find the strength some place.

the big boss said if i look into classes he will investigate and sign off because i want to finish my masters but it is just too expensive so ...perhaps perhaps...

for now the laundry is cooking and so am i ...

Perfect days

This week has been 7 days of laziness watching movies and just doing what we or i pleased. I only drove D to school three mornings...lol so that was a bank error in my favor for sleeping late. I never usually sleep later than 4 am so it will be difficult returning to work because i have been sleeping til 7 and today it was 8 ... long ago in the days of old i remember sleeping til noon... i wonder if that will ever happen again, my clock as just about everything else has and is constantly changing.

Fred turned 55 this week and had a fantastic day. All the kids were here and then some. I even went and got the Bubbins. He takes so much pleasure in seeing everyone enjoy themselves in the pool -- and this week they all have. We didnt get to bed til near 2 in the morning.... If only we could live like this all ways...

Cook outs and swimming day and night --- nothing could be better than that in this steamy weather. easyLiving in the city oh yeah!

Faithful the book by Steward O'Nan and Stephen King has also cracked me up all week. K sent it to me months ago but I never picked it up. What a great read that I can relate to. Thanks you two for some of the best short takes on the ups and downs of being a Red Soxs Lover.... and I am, I tell you I am. She also sent me a little slip that said Mothers are for loving and telling Stories... So I guess I am some kind of a mother. enough...
I cant believe it is August 4th, my sister birthday.... and I am ever closer to the big 50....arghhhh

Vacation.... of sorts

I've forgotten how easy it is to just be home and not have the morning rush, not deal with suits, and stockings, and shoes. Not worry about my unkempt hair.... and shower without worry of time constraints.... it is all too short a time this week, or 10 days as it will be --

We took an impromptu trip to NYC, thanks to my boss who sold me his tickets to Xanadu... I wasnt sure I was going to like it.... but it turned out to be a fantastic funny show a stopper for sure....I remember the movie as horrid. The Cake enjoyed it and understood it.
Mugs whined the entire time he was with us, except at the theatre, so I learned never go on a vacation with him, what a drag...
I saved money by not staying in Times SQ, but it wasnt the same...and I will probably never do that again.

We did stay at a hotel behind the WTC site, so that was good, but very emotional, we could watch workers and tourists from near and far visit all day and night.... It just seems like a cold place, I hope the Freedom Tower will be a vision of light and least they dont forget the greenery.... it is a cement land down there... even though the water is not far, with the tall buildings gray shadows overtake all...

My Mom is fighting a blood pressure battle and I was upset with the fact that her drs. never seem to call her back for days. I made the mistake of calling my brother who said stuff to me like, You should be taking care of yourself... and with that I almost blew my top and found it hard to maintain my composure-- regardless My Mother, Our Mother is a part of my life, and if I feel as if the response she is getting from medical profession regarding her problem is lacking, I most certainly will question it. From Where and what he thinks---- I do not understand. Does he think because one has children, the parents arent of concern? He said I should call my sister and ask her about the timing. And I felt so angry, what would my need be.... Why because my sister has had dealing with the medical community not communicating as quickly as she likes either... geesh... Life experience... I just have to reason that he doesnt have a clue as to what I have dealt with, and leave it as that. or rather he thinks my life is overwhelming me and therefore i am concerned about my Mother, how ridiculous.

So, He did say to me that they have a deal, My Mom. They will move to the cape and take care of her if they have to when the time is needed... OK. Therefore Mom doesnt need to leave her home. I am happy they have such an agreement, but that doesnt take away the now of her blood pressure being out of sync for over three weeks...the damage it could cause is ....i dont want to even say it.... Yes, I know she is 80... i will be lucky if i live that long.

aside, it would be nice to have just one thing happen where my Mother and my brothers and sisters will stop pitying me for some of the stuff that has gone awry in my life. Hey that's what like is, nothing is perfect and I have one thing is my life that is constant, regardless of my struggles... and that is me and my creativity... and of course my husband...who always knows where I am coming from even if no one else does.

so i have rambled on about such stuff... some things therapy just cannot change, because you cant change others you can only change your reaction to them... enough!

It has been too hot to paint ... or do much of anything but be lazy. So I am.

prevacation...

hummm... today i work and then i am off for a good 10 days...I will have to work my a-- off today but it will be worth it.
Tomorrow Steph, Mikey, the Cake and I will go to NYC for an overnight, see a show, and what else I am not sure of but something will arise... something not planned but just popped up --- then it will be work at home, our new fridge is coming monday, tuesday is Fred's birthday and well the rest of the week I will probably be cleaning and painting the kitchen.....but it will be nice to not have to work and just be home

My mom is not doing well... I am a nervous wreck... my sense of urgency is so elevated that I have to control it...arghhh... I got a key chain from one of the other supv at work..."I dont have an attitude problem, Its supposed to be like this." lol... Yup, bossy. or at least there is a correct way of doing it, then do it the correct way----

things are somewhat better... it has really been a difficult year.

when young, i never realized that as you get older, well at least for me, i am still growing...

4th of July?

Wow, another month of this year, it is frightening... i've so much to do. I canvased the fam to see who was interested in taking a cruise...d and m say no, but ha, i have no intentions of leaving them home. I have to have everyone get their passports soon... because you cant travel without them...how foolish of me to wait. Such is life.... i thought it wasnt until jan...

i am in ch again... it is okay, i am managing well... it is not too hard to manage...the mail volume is completely off...so that is another thing....i am relieved to be out of Win. There are certain people i just cannot stand over there..thank G i am gone.

plans are up and down.... weather predicting major rain tonight..fireworks..>>>.i dont know >>>> shopping... oh well have to see later.

trust

it is very hard to trust someone you know has lied over and over again.
it is very hard to say, this is okay, when you dont know if it is ok
when you have just been put some place and that is that...
i guess i will find out more as i go...nervous, you aint shhhhhh

Mom

My Mother's 80th had come and gone, in a hoopla, and hooray it was a wonderful day, the crowd appeared and dispersed -- it is so funny we are so closely related... I have two grandsons, my brother had two grandsons... my mother 4 great grandsons and 14 grandchildren and one angel in heaven, so that is 18 people on this planet... wow, how amazing life is.

work is coming along... my boss asked me if i wanted to stay in So so ville for a month...I blatantly said, you want to be rid of me, you think i suck...i really need to know if that is the case..he said no...and told me why he brought me... the bottom line was i said i would do whatever he wanted me to do, but to wait until after Saturday to make the decision as they dynamic will soon change. He agreed. whoa... did i say that? it is a lot less stressful -- but .... who knows..i will take things as they come.

removed

removed from the old and in with the new
removed from what i feel
removed from the space that could be
removed about the remiss
removed as in moved again, and again and again
removed as in rubbed out, it wont happen, it will happen
removed as in let me stand back and see what is the truth
removed as in truth is not always just
removed void the context of what was and what will be
removed replaced reestablished redefine reentry
of what

ole' Fireball

Tonight I look out into the yard
and it is vacant of the old soldier that
once owned it.

Pugsley lies with stretched out legs, his paws curled in, head
sloped to the deck boards. He misses his friend.

We will all miss Fireball, good ole dog, died at the age of 18.
well taken away and put to sleep as he wouldnt eat, or drink, his legs moved
only on quivers.

Dear Fireball, you were a good ole boy. We loved you.
Rest, and play in dog heaven.

sense

change again, and it is fine by me, i will be going to another city for a while which is a challenge but i will get to do what i like to do best, but there is a chance that all could change, i hope not, i am only too happy to oblige my boss and go with him on this detail.... what i have then left of me, is a bit of me, struggling to get time for itself and none ever available. the baby is coming over today so that will be a full day for me. and then work, and the trying to tie off the loose ends i might have. i will take everything with me, i dont trust a soul in there. so be it.

life sucks and then you die

this has never been a favorite tag of mine, some where a while ago, this was brought to keychains and bumper stickers...how depressing and how cynical we all are...but, right at this moment i think things couldn't get much worse for me mentally... f says he wouldnt have made it through..and my job, what can i say, that sucks too... no conforming... yup that is what is going on. push on push back, yep...so it goes. not fun, just flustering fuming and a bit of flaming.... yup
tomorrow i am glad i have the day off ...field of dreams day at Fenway, my poor Soxs... boo hoo... they are tired and need to regroup!! come on guys...get it together!!

stand up /stand down

if i were to tell my mother, i wonder if she would have a heart attack, so i will tell her, but after her party. the kid and his gf, well it has all caught up with him and her, and now, they are in the pen, my husband is without his big tv, i am without any jewelry of any value, his sister is without her diamond from her ex. and we are all a bit broken and fractured from the past .... and the present, i pray he gets some help now. the fbi and cops i guess were ok. hubby spared me from them...but not the kids, who found themselves home and they came into our house, without knocking and well..it has just been perhaps one of the most horrid days of my life. the tears finally came, and like the rain that happened today..they flooded my face, and i realized that i as explained it to his sister that a great part of my choking on my words was the strong sense of relief i felt...but then again i had such a horrid day at work, my boss on his ramage...and me again at the end of the page .... beaten up again... so angry...my job and the po...this just totally sucks again...

My Mother's recipe

I lose things.... i just cant keep myself together sometimes, and i just lose things....
but i am never going to lose this recipe because i put it everywhere...so today, since i am baking it, i am putting it in here.


Blueberry Cake

1 1/2 cups sugar
2 cups of flour
2/3 cups of shortening

blend into small piece
put aside 3/4 cups of mixture for topping later...

add to the original mix

2 tsp baking powder
1 cup milk
1 1/4 cups blueberrries
2 eggs

blend gingerly
mixture will be slightly lumpy

pour into 8x8 inch greased and floured pan

drop blueberries on top if you want a few extra

bake 350 for 40 minutes

pleasure and pain ramblinds

Last Sunday the "girls" in the family that were interested (this does not exclude those that are miles away and couldnt have made it without paying airfare)....... got together at the oldest of the J' sister's house to work on my mother's surprise scrapbook. June 13th, Mom will be 80 years old. I consider that I will be 50 and think, Geesh, I really must keep living or else I will be done and never been cooked. So this week I lived a little in a short span of space and days.

Thursday was the duo birthday, two oldest turning 29 and 26 respectively... but Friday was the youngest first prom of two scheduled... thursday... the birth date, i spent 8 hours at work, 6 hours shopping and 3 doing hair. Went to bed at 1, up at 4:30, dragged myself to my job, left at 11:30, shopped more, drove to the North End with all the necessary trimmings the youngest wanted, returned to the homestead to cook and clean and get ready for a birthday bash, small intimate, and without a doubt one of our best. Giant Lobsters... over 10 lbs ...a piece and what a feast... so was the joy, so was the passion, the pleasure, the release... but throughout the evening out side the door stood the oldest with his gf... in and out, oppression, for us, anger for him.

he was excluded, the child looking in, as in the story of the children from Weathering Heights...or the cat, left outside, while the dog is pampered inside the house, or even still, the poor boy lookin at a vision of how it could be if he were different... it was cruel, some would say how could you? but we did, and we had to, a lesson to teach...trying a new thing? Prayer, if the entire world were to focus on the drug addicts and the drinkers of the world for just one day, would the thoughts pervade .... entwine and save one, one thousand... one thousand men women .... Americans, how many are dead across the world now, internal wars are big and small, yet each a significant statement, one line or a book, they both rage on, i rage on now... could write more, the paradox... the ying and yang, the ....

I have that on the list now to bring to Mom, one giant lobster for her birthday gift. So...in the midst of happiness is the opposite, the midst of despair, my son, lost cometh and goeth as he pleases, fights day and nights, waking to find him sleepin in the recliner chair, his gf stashed beside his bed, "Why wouldnt she sleep on the bed?" I asked. You sneak into the house, and sleep, "You think Im going to scream at you at 4 in the morning? She is not a dog sleeping on the floor!"
I've given you hundreds of dollars this year alone, I cant do it any more. I cant and I wont," I say it again and again.
The youngest boy says, "i can't live with you, with him here, fear."
I say, "dont go, and he is not living here, and why should i explain myself to you, and he isnt living here, and he isnt allowed to be here, he just comes here, we make him leave time and time again, ripping opened my guts on the floor, stepping on me, on them, on and on, over and over.

I am maintaining that all this is not going to kill me, or my spouse. however, it does make it easier to close our bedroom door and lock ourselves in and leave the world behind. It just does workfor a few hours, yet we do not sleep through the night, neither him nor i, we are plagued by reflux and leg cramps, and nightmares-- we keep trying though

.... this weekend, i finally have 2 days off...i will clean my porch, f will open the pool, and we will tender to our homestead as best as we can, weakened from the war ...

the world is at war .... with itself, nature ...killed by man, man killing man, children killing...child killing parents, killing family, it is a silent killer,
this country ...what does it stand for? what is man'kind's commitment to man. Men, Women our sons and daughters, nearly 1000 more dead in a year from the war, how many dead from the killer, heroin, what are the statistics... burn the field, shoot them dead, how many would there be, like vampires i once wrote, 6 years ago, and it continues, in to the night they draw blood, and leave behind someone broken or something broken into, stealing away, to ease their pain, that persists and grows with each waking moment, death just a knock, prison just an opening, and families, passing through invisible doors, never framed paths --- they never realized existed, the products of pain seeping through the flesh visible to doctors who treat them, knowing there is no end, only death, or a new beginning...
it is easier to take the same path, than to proceed on the new one
the old path is well worn, you know every corner, every rock, every stream to freshen up, every rain storm, and every hurricane,
the new path, is one taken slow, watching out for mines, you may lose a leg or an arm. you may lose the life you are trying to save.
is there any hope? the youngest son keeps his eyes opened at all times.
lying awake like waiting for the bomb to hit the house, there is not shelter here.
the war is taking its toll.

pleasure

here is the Bubbins a super lad having fun at Great Grammy's at Christmas time

New York City I am an addicted and not ashamed to say it, tourist.

Where have I been?

It is a couple of months since I've stepped inside here. Too much stress going on. job home. i guess it is life. the surgery has worked out positive. so far so good. i didnt realize that it took me longer to recover than i thought, but that is ok...

more on the positive... my little vacation to NYC what a blast we had... If I can afford it we must do something similar every April vacation! whoopee... anyway i am going to try to post a few pics something else i havent done for a bit.

life takes hold of me, the rain comes down, the red soxs continue to give me joy, and all else is wonder... wonder why, wonder why not -- not much free time, not much energy... but lots of love, lots of joy, and lots of learning everyday. -- cant complain.

it is May 15th, my nephew's birthday, Happy Birthday ....

Soon school will be out, but things for me wont be that much different... my sister is coming up and i told my boss i need all my ns days in july...so i will let her know Wednesdays will be a visiting day for me. Vacation will be the usual week at hubby's birthday space. 55 ...wow

age: something that everyone on the outside sees but your insides dont

Sunday

The cake is coming over today, we are going to see the Last Mimzy. I need a break. I am feeling ok, not the usual post op ... but swollen probably from all the iv fluids they pushed into me. arghh... just wish i could be normal back to the way things were 7years plus ago. .... frustrated with my own body, what could be worse. lots i suppose...

srr

after a horrendous week at work, i am out of there for approx 6 days...which will not be long enough. however... the surgery was a success or so it seems, although I don't remember saying anything to my dr or even seeing him after it was done.... it was done or so it seems as i had the worst pains i can ever remember and i said pain... and more than that i do think i was writhing for a bit and they put morphine in my iv... so that was that...except for the fact that I get nausea from the stuff, so ive been sick to my stomach for the rest of the day, never mind the dizziness because my blood pressure went down to 80 over 40 and they weren't going to let me go back home unless it rose...and it did to 100 over 48 ....and then they let me go home with the stipulation that i stay in bed and only get our to walk here or there so no emboli get me.

great now let us see what is going to happen...

r went to bw so i hope all else goes well... i am scared he is going to give up i am trying to have faith.

scheduled

woke up at 5:30 tried to sleep but fumbled about doing nothing, went back to sleep, now it is 9:20 my body is stiff from too much bed time... yesterday went well considering the morning mess...flooding etc. Monday will be a disaster that is all I can say.
I do not have the bub today. oh well. the meatball was thrown out of the place i drove him to on thursday, i picked him and his companion up, that meatball is his twin, came from the same bowl of grounded up ingredients that i dont know who concocted... there was nothing i could do. they said they are turning themselves into bw on monday. let us see as i dont believe them very stressfilled week and i am glad it is over.

dread

outside, it is light, but heavy,

snow, i hear your sister, rain hiding inside you
you are wonderful
what camouflage!
you look like fluff, but i know you are cement
please dont become slippery shoes

a miz, a mess, i dread the chore of cleaning you off--
snow
will be the wetness of my clothes
snow will guide the ride that will be like driving on
a skating rink.
everyone is talking about Easter, I just want to get through today and
next week
and be here convalescing.

disconnected

it is my first day off not being a Sunday that I have the baby, and my peace was interrupted by the meatball. yes that is what i am going to call him, because it is just like that song, on top of spaghetti...covered with cheese, i lost my poor meatball because somebody sneezed...

the kid just doesnt get it. and i'm just done.

and over that too.

bliss

simplicity, yes i like it, as i like this morning, this daylight savings time' morning, all is at rest here. and i've found bliss
i am lacking something in my day to day, solitude,
the quest for being together and being alone does not balance...

it is nearly 8:15, everyone is still in bed, i have made coffee, and accessed the situation -- mail and laundry are out of control....

I will establish a mail basket, all mail must be placed into it.

I will establish another laundry rule, the same one I established 30 years ago, no laundry downstairs, but it doesnt hold true. What I need is a laundry room up stairs and that is not happening either. So ... rules to make and be broken no doubt by all the inhabitants of the household....and visitors too, but why would they even know the rules.

it feels good to sit and ramble without a watcher, someone who asks what are you doing

what are you writing,

yes i lack privacy because my office still has the Christmas stuff out of the closet and on the floor, and other various things people decided to "store" in my office, because if i am not home they can just store what ever they like there, because there is so much stuff who knows who put what in there...

i hear a thumping... not a loud thump, but one nonetheless...a door closing, must be the bathroom...soon my solitude will be interrupted... and then i will have to explain all these thoughts...or maybe i wont, for my morning is now planned out, and no one even knows that... yet...perhaps they have plans of their own... the bub is coming today..he is such a love! time, it is a burden if you watch it. let it go

pinwheels

the pinwheels made of dough were left out on the window sill
the ice dripped from the gutter and they melted like
icicles in the heat from the sun

the pinwheel left out on the lawn through summer, fall, and winter
froze, then tipped, then disappeared,
into the trash it blew

the pinwheel inside the kaleidoscope was untouchable
but always changing, unlike the cookies, unlike the form,
into the tube it is, and stays

protected

unless someone was to break it, smash it
and then it would no longer be

i am a pinwheel.

the broken one, the smashed one, the melted one, the protected one,
the one thrown into the trash category
because, just because

sadness abounds me, tears don't stop falling
i am the wheel round and round pinned down
stuck and struck
happiness overrode by grief

sometimes i want to believe everything is the way it should be
but then sometimes reality checks me, that hip check or
knock upon my wooden door that says, you are so blind
and now that i have opened my eyes, i just know i believe things are the way they are because
they are, but i cant change them, well some of them
and it hurts.

then i realize that is why things are the way they are because I've put myself into that tube to be that pinwheel, that beautiful ever changing form of jewels or glass or paper that floats here and thither and yonder... so the pain that i am hiding from can't touch me, but it is not truth, because it is touching me and that is why i am there hiding from the reality

where is this taking me,
i don't really know.
i just know i cant fix things and make them right... i am not in control of the tube
it just ran out the door like the meatball

not able to complete much

a lost week, snow, slush, ice, kids skating on ball fields, and my self just skating through life unable to keep up with things, i am really exhausted all the time. managed to make two nice dinners for the family, and have two mornings off, but tomorrow back to the grind. i have to think of a purpose here, perhaps plain poetry might be the best, it is nearly 10 pm, and my eyes are droppy. 4 will come soon and i will be off again. energy has to come from someplace, because i just dont have any. arghhh

Valentines day.. and other stuff..

As I get older Valentines Day means a lot to me, it means a lot to me that I communicate with those people I love and care about just to say he or she is wonderful, this year I was a complete failure within my own standard. Time just got away from me, I worked way too late and didnt get home til it was too late to call anyone, and I just felt too tired to too. My job is taking it's toll on me, not having a day off in the middle of the week leaves only after work and Sunday to complete the chores that need to be done, and Im just exhausted from my own body failing me as of late. with this in my head it doesnt surprise me that i had a melt down today and just left work without all my work completed...something i never do, and on top of all that passed out after hitting my bed just 1 hour after being home. i need to call the dr in the morning with questions and see where this is all going... so that kind of sucks too... and then there is my boss who is being a complete jerk... just let me run my unit i want to say, but he likes drama... yes he does, right now i just want rest. a nice trip to the sun would help tremendously. Sat three people are off... who is closing...no answer...I dont think It is going to be me. It is ridiculous.... I am going to tell my boss that i need to extend my sick leave as things are not going as planned. waiting for a break that isnt happening... that is what it seems to be happening. arghhh..

just thoughts

Sunday, a day of rest, not, a busy day, cant say im happy cant say im not
cant say much of anything it seems as of late
words are just complaints
and how i dont want to be woe be gone
i just keep going on.


the Bub came today, he is such a sweet sweet lad
his father on the other hand... dont even know what to say
how he could make the choices he makes i dont know.

It makes me sad....

My brother called, says everyone wants the party on Saturday... geesh ...

too much

nearly a month has passed and i havent written, perhaps because i keep hoping for changes to occur, but not much has changed since the new year. my dysfunctional uterus is maintaining it's temper tantrum for what ever reason my body seems to be ignoring the medication the dr has given me and continues to be upset ... i am working 6 days a week and that is exhausting because i could really use some time to relax, now today i have sometime to relax and i am sort of, but of course i feel guilty because there is a zillion things i should be doing.
i am currently waiting for the hot water to replenish so that i can take a hot shower, instead of a luke warm one since both my teens decided to jump into the shower without asking me what my plans for the day were, are> plans for the day, I am not going to watch the superbowl, i am refusing to watch it, as a matter of fact i am beginning to think that football is fixed, and i am not at all happy with that thought at all.

yesterday was a wonderful day, Johnny made his First Penance and I got out of work early, so I could be there. It was over 2 hours long... much longer than my First Penance a trip to church in the middle of my catholic school day, and as regular as going home for lunch. The church is forever changing, as I heard my nephew made his Confirmation yesterday too. So there was a blessing there too. So congrat to them both.

On the other side of my life, i did get my promotion, and i did get a small raise, and now i am wondering if i am going to get my promotion raise, I have to wait and see this week as i've no form 50 to prove any of this.

Tomorrow is back to work as usual, and me, well, i just have to stop feeling sorry for my self, angry at the way things are, pissed off at the death of innocents, outraged at the acts of violence that seems to be overwhelming my city, and be greatful that i have a job, a wonderful husband even if he isnt perfect, and a good family, even though they are all driving me mad. Perhaps I am just snippy as I have no control over anything it seems lately arghhh... including the bubble that has decided to pop out of the wall of my tire. blah.

New Year past present....on the verge of tomorrow

When my oldest were young, every New Year's Day, I would take the other cousins, and them out for the day; we went to Faneuil Hall, the Ice Sculptures, and a few other places, that was long ago. As my younger children got older I took my youngest to NYC on the Christmas Train---NYC became a tradition for 6 years, New Year's day became a quiet restful day after a two day jaunt .... But this year I couldn't find a decent hotel rate and was smart enough to say to the youngest, we will go for your birthday--- which is next month. I've found a great hotel rate, and also great theatre tickets and seats, plus taken a gift that was a non spoken gift and made it a gift so there ya go! saving. whoopptyde... I am looking forward to it all, i missed my excursion...

Beyond all this, I do not know what this year will bring, having achieved my promotion, I am at rest in the spire..... back to school, back to the lab, doing something creative would be great for my soul, but I have to work at myself and I think that will be my goal. With my nephew getting married in a year and 1/2 that is a good reason, besides turning a half century old, how can that possibly be... my breasts are saying --- there we go arghhh...


Having started on the treadmill, it feels good, now just to keep it up... I will, as I feel better already building up a sweat does something for me, now to not let life or laziness get in the way of health.

F wants a new tv for the bedroom. A wall tv because I always complain. I can't see the tv it is true, but it would be nice to cuddle up and watch something on a flat screen, so we might just spoil ourselves and do so. Ive measured by favorite painting and it is three feet by 43" on the diagonal... so that will be helpful when choosing size. transporting etc. that is another question. This just seems so frivolous will i forgive myself..?? i know i will be finding my children in my room... oh well...

2007 seven rhymes with heaven, heavenly, I hope so. Good by 2006, with nothing amiss....

I have a plan for my godson's bd... rock bottom for dinner, and a trip to the build a bear in dtb. it is just so much cooler than the plaza. Now I just have a few more bds to figure out and then I will be all set for a few months of r and r for myself...

vacation within

it is cold out side, i am lost in mystery, having 8 days off from the grind, what will i do with myself besides have a neat and tidy house for as many days, what a laugh, housekeeping is a job, curled up on the sofa blankets and tea, watching movies til my eyes cry, shopping for nothing online, shopping for some new house toy, dreaming of painting, redecorating, but not, exercise walk on the treadmill, stretch, drive children to their destinations and retreive them - husband asleep, will we drive each other mad, or maintain space easily, expectations change everything. what is mine? wow i am surprise to find so much time has gone by all ready.

upgrading

i have up graded the blog, as probably most do, but i am a lazy reader here, not into finding out more about how it all works. for now things are as they are. I don't know what i am doing. tomorrow i will take off for the day and hope to have fun by myself. i dont know why but i am depressed. i am tired of stress.

wellness

i found this note i wrote to myself in January 22 of 2002, obviously it was a note to help me to continue with my studies and not deter from my goals, but it still rings true to this day for me--

wellness
wellnes is a state of being
physically and mentally equipped with the ability to cope with incapacity.
when you do not have the ability, stamina, to cope, you run to fantasy.
Fantasy makes what is unbearable bearable, but when your fantasy is something you can not make reality and you have strived beyond the fantasy and the reality, there goes the equipment to cope, to hold,
thereby this state of being creates an incapacity that can not be taken or understood as anything but grief.
Bereavment must take place for without it, the inability to cope will go on, insanity will remain.
Acceptance is a must, fill the void with what you are capable of doing and go from there.
Crushed dream, worked for, for so long, don't tell me it is okay, it is not, let me grieve for my desire, and let me say good bye, and then build something from the ashes of myself.

Where was I then? I was recovering from my surgery, stuggling everyday with the desire to go on to be well, to be myself, something i am now, but i am not, physically i lost strength, and power, mentally defeated, i carried on.... and now i am grateful i did not fall, but yes, i still look back and realize my physical incapacity is what killed my dream, the inability to work work and home, not enough strength in me. how wretched and cruel life can be, some day i will go back there, some day i will be doing it because i know i will

6:40 am

Ive been awake since 4, my usual body clock now, very very weird, but i can stay up late if i need to, it is the nap that is killing me, if i take one i end up sleeping ...all night. let me say i am tired and that is that.but this week was pretty good in some aspects and in others well i will learn to deal with them.

first of all i must truly believe that if a person wrongs another it will come back to that person and so be it. second, i must not let people get to my mind or my decision making. i have the ability, now i must keep it in my mind set.

third, just because i received my promotion, i will not change, i will be as i have been, diligent in learning.

fourth, today i will do what i can do and not be apologetic for what i cannot get done

five, i will forget about my job and enjoy my life

i will forgive and i will try to forget the angst i have been through, but i will keep the eyes in the back of my head open.

Christmas

I think I had my Christmas today. Johnny came for the third day in a row. My daughter was her usually :mememe: self. arghh... .... My grandson however made today good...

I promised him yesterday that he could make a volcano. And today we did, and he learned to do it all by himself. Did he make a mess, well sort of, did he try to help clean it up, yes. Did he show his mother what he could do all by himself? yes, did she care, yes, but she was tired, and hungry, and it just sucks that i have to deal with her attitude. i just really dont need it. It is like i cant get tired, i cant not feel well. i am supposed to be invincible or something.

laughin

I am lauging to myself this morning because if I really thought about all I have to do, I would be in bed from a severe stress attack. But things are coming together slowly. B asked me if I was working tomorrow, and no, I am not... tomorrow I am finishing all I have to do as far as gift and my menu and basic clearing and setting up... I didnt get some stuff done that I wanted but I can live with that.

My b day this year was one of the best and one of the worst at the same time. The reality of the son who is on the edge coming by and planting himself, haunting and taunting... could have ruined the day
the reality that the principal at BLA said to the youngest, you are hangin in where you are. You should stay there. was totally torture for the youngest, but true too. Her perception was right now if only the younger will believe in herself that would work.
the reality that the job was just not going to work out, well that rang true too... so vacation time will be used to have him sign up for school as he says he is ready now.
the reality that my grandson jc makes my day... is so true. all he wants is someone who gives him time....
today he is coming over after school again. we will take him to pick out a tree with his mother. and he will help us decorate ours. i am looking forward to this
i miss my baby grandson, i hope i get to see him soon. i cant talk to the otherones mother. she just doesnt get it. what an ass she is.
on a positive note, i did spend about 16 hours working on a poem ...that i sorta finished but let it be finished because it was comsuming all my energy and i really needed to get on with things. the best thing about it for me, is that i proved to myself that i can still do it, although it takes time, and quiet, something i have a lack of. alas... the feeling was still there...

there is nothing like writing for me,
the quiet, the tapping of the keys, the scratch of the pen on paper
the atmosphere here, but there, in that other side, that other divide where i go
i like it there, but if i stayed there i would get nothing done, i wonder sometimes if i will end up there.... that is why ive not written much, the void, it takes you in, and you dont want to come out... and i get so many disruptions... i feel good. and that is what counts.

tears that slip

my young son took a job, not a great job, just a job where he can earn money-- so he can have some money and his father and i wont have to keep giving him money... this taking of this simple job has made me happy, he is doing something... no not what i would like him to do, but something other than skateboarding...now he is a great skateboarder, and he would love to be sponsored, but that isnt an easy feat, like being a writer...you have to be discovered...hahaha...so he is a dreamer and and artist....that i can live with... he says he will go to college when he feels like doing the work, and well, i can agree with him there too. he has probably another 80 years to live so why rush responsiblity beyond the need....

my youngest daughter is doing ok too. she is finally adjusting to school even though she wants to transfer, and perhaps she will but she is adjusting and that is a start too.

what a rough september... just horrid....after we returned from our vacation...

so today ive had alot of tears that seem to ooze from my eyes, but not so much sadness, a touch of relief, a touch of worry, and a touch of life. that is what the tears are from...life keeps grabbing me and pinching me. and that is just how it is.

giving thanks

i give thanks for my children this Thanksgiving who helped me get everything ready and even helped to clean up.
i give thanks to God and the universe for looking over my son who is out of his mind, but not so out of his mind that he had my baby grandson come by.
i give thanks for being able to work, having a decent job, and also having money to pay my bills, and keep going on.
i give thanks that i can walk because 6 years ago i could not.
i give thanks for being me, and being strong, and having the strength to go on when all seems like what for.
i give thanks for my Johnny cake who gives me reason to smile, and laugh every day.

overdone

by far i am over done, over worked, over worried, over and over and over
it is an over world for me at this moment and there is no other word that is as fitting as the word over because over isnt over even when it is over
it is over... work, laundry....relationships, meetings, day, night, holiday, eclipse, test, dinner, of couse this over is different than the other variables that have to do with over
such as over there
over here
under and over
over and under
over such as on top of....
this i am not
i am not on top of my housework, my laundry, my kids, paying my bills, i am under-- overridden with the overs that i am suppose to have under control, or at least believing so.

it is obsurd that i can mail things on time, but then again if i stopped working then i would have plenty of time to take care of the things i am supposed to be taking care of. this wednesday johnny is coming over, i will try to call h. and see if she will bring the bub over, see there is over and over again. this will make me happy, also i will leave work at 3 pm monday and tues and take my ns off ... this is needed because i am over done....
and i dont want my turkey day to be over done because i could very easily become undone at this moment.

plus, a note to myself, you cant eat ff from mcd's it makes you sick! dont forget.

and to my sister whom i love, if she just happens to pop by,
i do not care if liberals or conservatives are bigger hypocrites... every individual suffers from hypocrazies...hahaha... at times. -- certainly i dont want to be pegged as either a liberal or a conservative, i just want to live!

dreams

sometimes my dreams prepare me for my future, so last night I had the dream of searching for my son, here, there, everywhere I've known him to be, and nothing. So that says to me, that I dont really want to find him, because I dont want to know him right now. The reunion would be one of sword thrusting in .... and slowing being withdrawn... that is how it would be.

i finally told my mother that i wouldnt be going to the cape for turkey day, we will stay home and relax, i need more relaxation time fighting this bug doesnt help my energy level. she said, you know you have to live your life, and i have said that myself, but i have no energy for driving when i only have the one day off.... i dont know if f has more time or not, and he doesnt even know if he has the time either. i put in for time after xmas that i wasnt going to take, but i might take one less day, i cant decide. i am just really worn out i think and that is keeping me from doing other things. f has computer parts all over the place so i am trying to get his stuff together, it is a bit ridiculous as he should be doing it himself. work is okay, but friday bit as half the people didnt show up and well... that just makes it suck.
driving ro again, which isnt bad, but no more personal phone calls to friends and family ... she says she doesnt want to stay... so something might happen who knows.

rain

I finally have my laptop back after months of being in disrepair. The keyboard is soft and nice, they changed the entire board, so that is good.

It is raining, F and I dropped off my car to see if they can finally fix it. I would like it to be finally fixed. I have also been looking at the chrysler milan v 6 ... I like it, it is more sensible than a mini, and 5 grand less. We shall see. Penny pinching is getting me down.

I am exhausted as my body is aching me. We ran about to a bunch of different shops but were unable to find what F was looking for. Figures.

I think Kristy Alley looks great. Kudos to her.

I hope something goes right today, as I cant stay in this funk much longer.

Thinking of going to NYC for the parade ..I know F wont go. I would just like to go once in my life time. oh well...

voting

tonight when i went to vote, i had a difficult time,
the font on the ballot was so small even with my glasses on I had to use a magnifier,
i was not NOT the only one,
even young people voting held their ballots close to their eyes to read....

complaints logged:
better lighting needed
more space, and more privacy, there was NONE

disgusting display in this tech age of cheap voting desks, and even cheaper money spent on what is purported as an inalienable right!!! shame on our state for allowing such cheap ness!

on the other hand my shoulder is still killing me,
havent heard from the son or anyone relative to the situation,
and i am glad i have tomorrow off...
laundry, and well lots of other chores await, but at least i dont have to run out the door at the younger is sick.

sleeping on shoulder

woke at 2 am shoulder sore, unable to move
frozen by the weight of my own self
i know i passed out earlier
the stress makes me sleep
R's friend call, "Havent seen him all day"
I checked the caller ID, the friend called at 11 30 in the morning,
so there it is --- Is he dead? Hurt? Arrested?

My mother called to ask about Thanksgivng ... I have no plans. I dont even have a plan for ourselves. I dont tell her, why and what for... She says she loves me as she hangs up. I believe her, we just dont have the same plane, my plane never steers straight... it is constantly running into turbulence.... on the other hand, i dont know how my mother would handle it all, and why should she have to? when my brothers wanted to live a different life they removed themselves from her, and i see it now, years later how it is easier for her to not talk about it, or what ever it maybe.... and I am not that way, but I am, as I am doing it with my own daughter right now, not seeing i to i, it is her righteousness


I am supposed to attend a baby shower Sunday with the oldest, but I dont think Ill go to that either. I am pissed, my youngest is never invited, the oldest one says, but she, they dont know her, but the man is her god father.... I dont blame her for feeling forgotten. I can send a gift and keep my time for myself --- snob..maybe ...but no...just relative to where i am right now...

Cant even talk about it with people I know, because regardless of their ... sympathy, or support it doesnt help. The weight is there, my shoulder hurts when I move it, but not when I touch it, a sign of weight not injury.

and that is the point...

this weight can not be seen by those that do not know
this weight can not be felt by those who do
everything else is connected to the weight
all perspective is made upon bearing of the weight
and all decisions too.

the weight upon my shoulder is the not knowing
the pain is true, real, physical
anger sits there too
as does frustration, and the knowledge of
the relativity of truth

the weight, i refuse to let it own me
but it is chewing away at me,
i run, but it wont let up,
the disease has taken over
thought that is all i can do

i wonder, if one day I will not be able to get
out of bed, and go to work, and do my job because
they know nothing of what I am going through, it is like a safe
haven. To go there, is peaceful, and then to have someone yell in my face
and point a finger at me, I feel like saying to him, what is your problem
you think your finger shaking and voice mean a thing to me, you are nothing --
i have the strength of a Spartan when it comes to you, you have no idea of the weight I already carry, you are only a feather to me. It is odd... they say I have the toughest job in the office, the truth is it isnt, because if I am not there, someone else will be, and well, all that is not relative to my life, only this weight that i carry, that is killing me.

stress = sleep

too much stress has me exhausted. I need to find some energy somewhere -- today I will not run away but deal with what i must. would much rather run, but the problems will still be here, so i am no. ... bring me the chair

Monday

well, my hopes are again dashed as it was told to me that the son was here today, humm, who does he think he is? my son, our son, --- all ways welcome, not now, but he knew when to drop in, not a car in the drive... of course... he is alive, I thank the Hand for that. However, it doesn't help to know that he is not on the right path, at least I don't believe he is, and I refuse to accept what he is doing as his right path. How righteous am I? I can be if need be and at this moment I am very.

Have to go to the store, the game has my stress up... how ridiculous, but true. why do I even like sports: they are like life --- you dont know when your good game is on til your playing it

Salem, MA

Although we've lived in Mass forever for years we never visited Salem during the Halloween season although the history is there --- Last year my sil and I and some of the kids, who are not really kids anymore took the train out of North Station and walked the streets of Salem for hours. There was a bike run among other festivities taking place, and we had a blast, so we went this year again....

It was quieter without my grandson Johnny, whom I missed dearly because of his innocence, but he really wasnt interested in going, too scary grammy he said... but it was a nice windy day, lots of costumes were abound and the spirits were good.... so we went not for a long day, but a nice day.... and i wish i had more of them....

what really bugged me out however was my oldest daughter blew me off, she never answered her phone... then my youngest said to me, she said r is going to die. so that was something i didnt need to hear, or to have to ponder, as what is it about older females in families, they think it is their right to tell youngers stuff the teller thinks the listener needs to know. Some times it sucks having older and younger children, the olders ones have some type of authority vision that exists if only in their own minds, the younger ones think ''''' things are kept from them""""" well.... what ever it is the oldest one just pissed me off to no end today, and of course when i talked to her she has a different story all together, and i didnt mention the burden she dumped on her sister's brain, because she thinks it is her right to tell her what she thinks and feels regardless of what i think is appropriate. arghhh .... im ready to snap!!... halloween is two days away, tomorrow the treadmill goes into the old tv room, and the plan is in place to take off some of this weight i seem to just keep gaining ... too much stress doesnt help. Help would be wonderful ... i found a great magnet quote... dwell in the possibility... i am dwelling in the possibility that my son has come to his senses and locked him self away. even though i dont know if that is true. amen i say amen.

the way things are

i am not doing well at all, as a matter of fact i am falling apart ...holes no seams to resew. there seems to be no end to this.

exhaustion

Very tired this week, not fulfilling the needs of the house, I need a maid. R has gone away, all I an do is pray. M is still job hunting. Dianna is taking her psats today... There was a college fair at her school the other day. As she is only a sophomore, I wanted to let her look alone. I picked her up --- she was excited, showing me this and that. She picked out Columbia, I think she would be a good fit there, but she said she is interested in Bowdoin in Me. I will have to take a look. I had a hard time to keep from crying. I am happy she is planning, the others never wanted to. on top of all this one of her favorite teachers died of cancer yesterday ---- she got the news and wrote a beautiful tribute. She wants to go to the funeral Monday....
Monday my mom goes to the drs to find out about her heart. Tues. my sister has surgery, and my daughter has an ultrasound to find out about the lump in her breast. It is all overwhelming.

I wish science and medicine was further evolved... I wonder if it will ever become like on startrek.... humm --- it would be wonderful

another lost blog

i really must use word.

babies and babies

Johnny turned 8, he is no longer a baby.
My baby Dianna has acquired a baby, a kitten named Nina.
And the baby, Baby R, well he is growing quite large! What a boy! baby.

slippage

Slippage


he said, "it's not like the last time."
but I knew, and watched, and waited,
the hysteria inside let bees out occasionally
the stingers didn't stay in long enough to
cause an infection, just sharp pains
quick jabs in the gut
nausea begetting headaches begetting tears
don't fall because I can't pick you up
you are too slippery like a fish in the bath
wiggle wiggle wiggling through my veins.

Monday anniversary

Tomorrow will be our 30th wedding anniversary. 30 years, barely a lifetime, but a life time still. I was thinking about marriage in relation to age. If you were married and divorced after 5 years, your marriage would have been in childhood, still learning, but able to be very head strong, obstinate.

in the beginning... If you get divorced before 1 year, infancy. In the 2-3 age bracket, you were just toddling along in your marriage, ages 4-6, early childhood, 7-10 childhood, prepubescent, 11-14--- oh those so turbulent years, before adolescence: ages 15-21. And finally when you become adults, after the age of 21, then if you become divorced, you will have run many gambits but achieved the rank of being a full fledged adult divorcee, in stead of one of the others just because of the age length of your marriage........ do age behavior patterns correlate with the ages of marriages. hummm....perhaps perhaps...does anyone care? where do these thoughts come from?

it has been a busy three days back at work after a wonderful vacation, that just wasnt long enough to get everything done, now today I have a ton of housework to do, and I would prefer to visit my mother, but I dont see that happening either. It sucks, I might take a drive down just to take a drive... laundry first though.

I am in the process of redecorating, although my husband doesnt realize it.hehehe.... I am working at it subtly.... remove the rug... Rearrange stuff... Shopping for furniture without his knowledge, my typical way of redecorating....long term planning in the mind, then popping the decisions, as they are decisions. I think I am lucky in that respect, my husband doesnt care about home decor, as long as it is not frilly in the bedroom..... and he likes a comfy sofa, but little does he know, I am preparing to purchase him a lounge chair, something he hasnt had in years, oh a recliner I guess, well at least I am thinking about it.

For now, rug removal and general clutter clean up is taking place...new blinds, window washing.... painting....and perhaps by Christmas, the ultimate will be achieved. If I was wealthy, it would be so easy to call on someone, please do this, and it would only take a week!... what a dream...

back to my marriage....

being at it may, 30 is a great age, I loved being 30. And wow, here we are at 30 years of marriage and it feels pretty good, it feels so relaxed, and so understood. and it isnt at all boring... so many times little things just happen, my husband is great with the one liners....the quips that he says that remind me why i chose him, ... when we were on the ship, we got up in the middle of the night, 3 am. no one was around, it was amazing, maybe 1 person and 1 couple .... in the public places that we visited, but we were out on the deck under the stars, and he said, watch out for the pirates, such a quip and i laughed and remembered what I thought was just wonderful about him, and he too, at times will say to me after I've said sometime weird, obscure, or just mundane, who knows, but some line, and he will let out a chuckle and say, you know I love you, so i think it is that, those little lines that a mate can say during conversation or in the midst of some task that prompts that space in the brain to perk up and feel that love that no one else in the entire world can touch because he or she just isnt in "your" head that way.

Tomorrow I am going to try to leave work early, stop at the pier and get lobster, and well, just have a nice day...today, I have to shop for a gift for hubby...hummm...what will i get him?

morning...what kind

Flo as she will be known has turned into a hurricane, surprise --- not.
I have a zillion things to still do, which I will certainly try to get to, but, how ironic, i will be glad to be getting away, i just hope the boat doesnt shake.... bought seasickness meds, and we have decided to bring the lap top just encase i want to upload the pics. the main thing we are worried about is the storm at sea, i am so anxious i could just burst, f teases, reminding me of how much i like the poseidon adventure, but that's only a story, not one i want to imitate.

getting closer and far away

the days have been short, time melting into time, day, noon, night
the children are nervous, asking questions, when, where,
and we question them, too.
they are not used to us leaving them behind, even to go out by ourselves, we are usually always here.
we are getting ready...
nervous about Florence, but we have been told they will go elsewhere if it looks like a rough time. so be it, what will be will be.
closing the pool always marks the end of the season,
our anniversary, the beginning of a new year.
how fall melds in to winter and covers the earth as we cover each other
blessed and blissfull


my mom went to the drs. which was a gift, as we have assumed she has been avoiding taking charge of her medical issues, she said, "well, i was waiting for the news from joan just encase I had to fly out there." I am relieved that all is good. I also said to Mom, well thank you for that gift, as we need you to take care of yourself. It is easy to let things pass... like the mamo, like the physical, like the windows, or even cutting the grass, if you keep up with the chore of taking care of yourself, hopefully you can stay on top somehow. Mom is in for a couple of weeks of testing. God, I do hope she is okay!

time to get packing the cruise people said that if the hurricane is going there, we will go elsewhere, so i have faith.

first days of school

d, dyed her hair for the family values concert, i was getting fond of her regular chestnut hair, lesson, just when you think your teen has quieted down and has accepted mainstream, watch out!

Jcakes with his substitue teacher looking on.

and the most wonderful smile in the world!

on vacation

We've been on vacation already for two days, it seems more like 2 hours. of course my daughter had to point out that the Florence the storm is out on the ocean and is heading for Bermuda, where we are going. I hope they are wrong; F says he doesnt care as we are out to relax. The moon is showing signs of craziness..hummm

Today was a very inspirational day, but of course I didnt have my journal on me so all the thoughts were just there and put out into the cosmos from my brain.

of course having drs appointments, boob squishing tests, and other wise charge of jcake has added to the time going by quickly.

Wednesday, we shopped for a kitty for D. First we drove out to the animal rescue league in Dedham. It is a farm, and a great place to visit, like going to the zoo. They had horses and crows, and a rooster that kept crowing, cockadoodle do, and jcakes did, too. Best of all, they had sheep and goats, and a pig.

When jcakes saw the pig he said, "Look they have a pig! and then he pinched his nose closed and said, "And a smelly pig it is, too!" that has kept me laughing all day.

But no kitty there as they fix the tike before letting it go home, and since we are leaving on Sunday, although D had found a 5 month old she like, well, we had to say adeiu. Then we drove downtown, and there they petted lot of older cats, but none that D seemed to like. I like a cat named Lily, but ....
D did get to hold a ferret, and she changed her mind about wanting one, as she has always said she wanted one, but she said it felt like a snake with fur, much different than she expected....

Jcakes played with an awesome black bunny for nearly 15 minutes. I would have like to get him myself if I didnt have so much stuff to take care of all ready. It was sad to say good-bye to the beasties, but it was also nice to leave them behind too. It was a long day of driving hether and there, but it was fun and free except for the gas.

Tonight F and I went to the pool place and bought a new cover. I realized when we were there that we have had this second pool since the year F's mom died, and that is 8 years ago the 13th. Time is just going by way too fast.

F has been great helping to get ready for the trip, helping with the laundry while i do all the other stuff.... tomorrow and Saturday will be busy busy days...no late naps and late drives...just packing and making sure everyone is on the same page.

I am so nervous with thoughts of worry leaving D and M alone, that I ended up asking the dr about it, she sent me for an ekg and a zillion tests on top of everything else. I am a ok...but still worried. I do hope all goes well, it isnt as if we dont have a support infra structure encase something is amiss...

or thoughts that dont let me sleep

my son is talking about joining the service
my other son is on the edge of i dont know what
my daughter is getting ready to go back to school and
my husband and i will be leaving on a vacation
thinking about my growning up kids keeps me awake, so at times, like every night
i cant think --

i cant think about the iraq war because i cant stop it, nor can i do anything to help the people over there stop fighting with themselves, and it disgust me how so many wars and fights are about land and religion, oil and money
i dont understand why mankind ...cant get along. i know i could read a zillion articles on why and why not, but i dont care to. it is like my kids, no excuses, but they have them and it is just the way of the world. i am sick of listening to the rhetoric. I am tired of hearing my son say, there it goes world war III and i do mean sick for when i think of him joining the service, my stomach turns inside out and i want to heave; what if he does? I will live with it, but will i like it? no.

nervous but happy

my manager asked me today if i like it there... yes i do i said... he asked about the commute, it is ok i said too... i dont really care coz i like it there... he said he is putting up two jobs, "make sure you put in" that makes me happy. It will make Fred happy to as I will get a raise.

ON the home front I miss my grandsons... The little tyke is hardly ever around, but I am just not saying anything...and my Johnnycake is with his Dad... I am going to arrange something so I can see the lad.

Labor day weekend is just around the corner, then I work 1 day and have two weeks off...yahoooo....

My sis is in Tex. I didnt get to call her today, things have just been too crazy at work, I'll call her tomorrow and check in on her, I wish I had a transporter, life would be wonderful... I'll just keep one spot reserved for her in my thought at every moment to give her strength to just get through the next few days. you are not alone...

went to the dot art opening... it was great, the kids' work was really good, but no sculpture this year which was too bad. saw kb from the joiner center.... he was great, Gee I miss the Joiner Center arghhh... oh well btb... early to work as today I left too much undone...

God please make it so my sister doesnt have to have surgery and she gets a clean bill... please please please, I am thanking you ahead of time as I have trust in the universe --- me...

do not have a pop up blocker working and

then set it free, or you will end up like me at this moment, pissed off because you lost whatever it is was you had written...arghhh.....

i am the you in this ..or just a yew at this moment, bleastly...

come on Red Sox Come on!!!!

The Red Wing (to be worked on later)

At the Red Wing

before the age when I could remember what age I was, my uncle who is now in his 80's and on dialysis, and my aunt, who passed away this summer, took their family and me, the tag along, to the Red Wing. That diner dinner remains a vivid memory, and the Red Wing, a place that I will never let go of, as long as it remains there, for I always manage to have the whim and will to go there. I have over the years, dragged family members along: come be a part of the Red Wing clan.

At the time of the dinner, back in the early 60's, my cousin, who fell off her bike and died at age 10, an example of why they have helmet laws, was still alive. Also, my cousin, who died at 25, in a small plane crash, was still alive; we were nearly the same age. And my cousin, who is still alive, the sisters' older brother, whom I always thought was strange, was there, he still lives near there with his father in the old house, I remember as a great place, where the wonders of nature, and life, and change touched me then and still remain.

At the Red Wing,
We sat at a table in the middle of the room, and had great food, I dont remember what it was, and my cousin, the strange one, used so many napkins, that the waitress brought him a stack 3 inches high, and my female cousins and I were laughing. Something else went array at that dinner, but I dont remember what it was, all I remember was that it was a marvelous time.

I had a lot of great times at my cousins' house when I was growing up, and it is sad now, as my aunt is gone, and my uncle is ill, and their son, the strange one, has no one but himself to carry things on. But his parents suffered in this life, not for loss of material, but from loss of lives, having two children of their three children taken from them. I think how different things would be now, if neither of them had passed on, and how the only memory that remains strong that I will have access to will be that Red Wing restaurant, for I havent been to their old house in years, nearly 20 years it seems to me, but so many memories from those days come back to me.

But the Red Wing ---
Back then I thought the place was old, a throw back from another time, wooden chairs at wooden tables, covered by laminate, not formica, but another material, that was the seating area up. Then there was not a makeshift wall of painted lattice to separate the one big room into two sections, nor was the wallpaper a marbled blue. But the ketchup squeezers, and tartar sauce squeezers,and metal napkin holders remain the same, as does the salt and pepper shakers, and the ladies room, that I never make it to, and the men's room, my husband doesn't go into because there are no doors on the stalls; I wonder if it was that way back then, I do not know, but the man finds the restroom uncomfortable. Soooo....

The Red Wing though, is famous, famous for old time prices, and really great food. No decor, but a good time. And the same waitresses, they've been working there for all time. It is like you walk into this place and there they are, two old women, one with white hair, the other dyed brown, both in need of dental repair, but kind, and yet scary if you were a child and had never been there. I was wondering today as I left the place, is it bewitched? Have those women really worked there all those years and never changed? Are they in my mind that way, or truly, truly, is the Red Wing in a special place that no one else can see, only those who have been there as a child can get in there, and know it is there, for everyone else who drives route 1 there is a vacant lot there...no little red house with a wing? I wonder.

On the other side of the restaurant there is a bar. I wonder what part of the little house is the wing, the wing that has a restaurant or the wing that is a bar? They are both wings with a little room inbetween. Anyway...

That bar is ripe with stories galore, for the Red Wing always has customers, from the moment it opens til after the lock of the door. We never go into the bar side. I remember it from long ago when I first saw it, and the few times I've peeked behind the opening. It is like a trailer home, with no chairs, only barstools and standing room only. A mirror as long as the room, and a rich chocolate bar as long as that too, laden with bottles and glasses, ready to serve up customers. I really must make it a point to go in there --- some evening just to be sure.

One thing about the Red Wing, it is not too far from the stadium where the Patriots play,so I can only imagine how the place is hopping from September through January... as we only go there on occasion. a whim, and a ride, to have the one dish no restaurant serves up as fresh and over the top as they...

the fisherman's platter fills two, or even three--- that is the plate we order and divide.

So there it is the Red Wing... A little place not many know of, but it is a story, now it I can ever find the time to write it out right, is is a place of horror, or a place of love, or a place of divide. Is it a place of happy people old and young alike with the same memories, the Red Wing, a wing of life.

quiet house

at midnight the hiding mouse can come out
at 4 am when the clock rings out
not a breath is missed
nor the shuffle of feet passing by as i sleep
at 6 he says good bye, have a wonderful day
at 7 i pick up my head and see the numbers on the clock
i lie there awake listening for the dog and birds and an alarm to ring inside my head,
get out of bed, there is not a child, nor a beastie, nor a man, nor a book calling me, quiet house, empty head holds one exception, one thought, how everything is changing, which is not a quiet thought at all, it is quite the thought, very very involved.

back to work

I went back to work after being off 7 days; it seemed only like one --- i didnt achieve much of anything, but i did get to the beach for a day, and another new car, a 1991 honda accord, which is in great shape, and more to my liking than the contour. it was weird because i didnt even have to complain about the contour, f just returned it on his own, he knew without me saying a word that the car was just not worth it.

i sent my sister a bday gift, i dont even know if she got it, and as of yet i havent gotten to talk to her, but i did call her today, a day late because yesterday was such a hectic day getting stuff done because I knew I was going back to work, by the time I looked at the phone it was midnight --- so there went my vacation.

i am so happy f is taking off the same two weeks as me in september. it is like wow, we have not spent two weeks together in years. my friend b at work was laughing, he said you two will be in the news. lol... i just laughed. i am so looking forward to our vacation together everything else seems secondary.

r is acting very strange, i cant even talk to him. i dont particularly like the barrel i am rolling around in. or the ripple in the lake it is floating in...That is my biggest stress right now, and it sucks.

tomorrow i will go to my mom's and the beach and just forget about everything. i even think no one wants to come with me so i will be going alone. how weird. how very weird. but it is ok by me. i dont mind being alone, i actually like it at times. must be my age, i like being with myself.

tomorrow is august 6th my friends b-day..i havent talked to her in nearly 1/2 a year. i will call her, it is her daughter's first wedding anniversary too. so that is a good thing for her.

then my brother's b-day and my nephews and my other brother's anniversary...and the baby's first birthday,and we will be away, but i am happy, because i just dont need the stress of it all.

it is odd when someone makes me crazy because of rudeness, or excuses, i say i just cant and wont be bothered, but in reality it is untrue for when someone lies to me it hurts, and when someone makes it flauntingly clear that he or she lacks appreciation or has an expectation beyond my own willingness to extend myself then... And there that ends it for me. i close myself off and say, hey so what! and that's life isnt it. sometimes it just sucks, but you try to maintain happiness regardless of the blueness or the greenness, greenness is jaded ness, at least today it is for me. Yellowness,right now i am purplness which is related to lochness, and Scottish or so i believe. now that ive rambled into foolish ness i am going to go ... enough is enough i do believe.

vacation really?

yesterday after an extremely strange day at the office, my vacation began. i dropped off the rental and took the train home. The transfer from blue to orange to red seemed exceedingly long and it was, as I missed one train, then they had two braintree trains, and the heat in the tunnels made everything smell and i thought, how i really wouldnt want to live in heat all the time.

F and i went to get "my car" and of course, I wasnt happy. The door was not fixed as it was supposed to be, the air conditioning isnt working right, and really, the car is a fine car for my son, but not for me, and that is how I feel. I am tired of having things that are second class. I am just going to surprise F and save the money and buy my own car. I think it is about time, so that is my plan for that.

I fell asleep early because r and h had another horrid fight, and i just cant take it. I am not used to it, it is makes me sick to my stomach. F and I woke up in the middle of the night and it was nice to have the quiet and the time to just chat. He had to go to work, so he teased me as he was leaving how he will be exhausted all day, but at least We had some time together.

Today I am heading to my mom's. I dont know when I will get there, and I might be traveling back tomorrow, I really dont know as of yet. But i will try to get some sun as the dr recommended especially on my legs and hopefully I wont be so bad on vacation, but then again, I dont think I will care. I need to do what I need to do to get better.

My house is a tumble of stuff. Every child'f mine has stuff. in the hallway, in my upstairs hallway, in my office, in the basement, in the back yard. it is ridiculous. they are going to have to do something about all their stuff that is all i can say, because i am tired of looking at it!

last night f was teasing me, he was licking the back of my neck, i said to him, stop you are annoying me, he said, but i am kissing you, and i said, no you are licking me, and it feels yucky... kissing has more pressure and sucking... and he laughed, and so did i.

of the utmost importance is the fact that i cannot find my bill pay notebook... it is freaking me out. I must take my laptop to best buy and have the shift key fixed ... i like my office but it is much more user friendly to be on my computer downstairs...especially when bill paying, as it is such a horrid task.... back into the groove.

rain

Seems as though time is floating on by, as I am working too many hours, as I feel like it is summer, but not the summers I once dreamed of, yet still, I go on and move within the circles watching and looking and learning. My job, yes, I really do like my job, weird as it is, even when I dislike it, I like it. The paperwork and computer work is a bit much, but managing the floor, and the people and getting things done, that is that challenge everyday, everyday moods, and what nots.

Today it is raining, It is my brother's 50th birthday party, and it should be alot of fun. I havent heard from St all week really as she has been working nights. I miss my grandsons as I haven't seen either of them all week, but it is really ok.
I dont miss the fam that has gone away, I love having my house to just us. It has been a relatively quiet week... no fighting, yelling, and best of all, no agitation...
this i have enjoyed the most.
one week til vacation yippee....then i might get something done.

time to collect all that stuff that hasnt been used or touch for over a year and just chuck. perhaps paint my kitchen, find a plumber, and carpenter to replace my bathroom floor, and work on the yard. so is the plan.

chat

I've learned... so much... yesterday I talked to T my old boss, the person who really wanted me to go into the program. It was the first time we've talked since all the craziness a couple of months ago. She has always been there for me, and stood by me. And yesterday, we were as peers in our discussions, and knowing things as I do, learning as I have, we both said at the same time, better to keep your mouth shut, or else you just get labeled--- whiner. So we laughed at that, but of course, She and I both know, it is a world of the third leg, and we have survived most of its grim truth, although, we don't accept it, we know it is there and maneuver as best we can within the confines... Her husband has to have surgery again, Tuesday, i cant imagine, an aneurysm. God bless them all.

just busines or busyness

stuff just going on...living... i am exhausted and much annoyed as i discovered after i left work yesterday that the hours i have work, i havent gotten paid. over 31 hours to be more precise and that just makes me mad at my boss... i am trying not to be. I learn a valuable lesson. I am going to watch to make sure I get paid every nickle from now on!!!

On another note, the car, my car is still not ready, but it is suppose to be ready this week... that will be a wondershot. Ive not freedom, only work. but it will get better...
i have week's vaca at the end of the month and then two weeks off in september.

today i have to get myself in gear and apply for that job at the imc and hope i get it. some sense of security would be good.

onto doing my job app and housework in very much need.

emotions

yesterday i received a hit of emotional awareness...
the brick came at me so swiftly and has left me profoundly astonished
amazed
a vision come true
the big boss actually said,"if you have problems with a trainer you should let us know." Email M C.
The truth is I am afraid.
I ended up talking with my husband at length about this quandary.
Should I or shouldn't I. But no one should have happen to him or her what happened to me. And --- there are consequences of opening one's mouth... not the same consequences of opening one's mind.
the emotional impact of the entire less than 5 minute chat is still with me this morning. tears...what from -- relief...happiness--- no certainly not.
perhaps just knowing and believing there is something in the universe...some power that knows what is going on...and is willing to let me know it is there, listening and believing in me. Thank you.

something

Heat in your hands

Paper on the floor
bent by crushing weight
wheels not on the rug
on the paper on the floor
twisted not torn
unseen yet felt
like heat too warm
in the hands


Sometimes something comes over me, I can’t explain it
It is a suffering that I want to go away
That I do not want to endure
But nonetheless it is there

I can take a shower
I can get dressed
I can go out and visit friends
I can cook, and clean, and do laundry
And iron, but that something is still there
Like it is now

In my chest a hand pressing down
Is it my heart aching, or breaking
Is it my heart yearning or churning,
Is it my brain cooking and reaching down inside stirring up emotions
Desire
Is that what it is
Heat too warm in your hands

things and people

things --- oh so many things
people --- oh so many people

things and people do fall apart
do get old
get worn out
and even get thrown away
like relationships you've out grown
or people you can't be bothered with
or people who don't want to be bothered with you
or is that true
bother bothers me
beseeches my mind why bother is a word that provokes me to such lengths
no one wants to feel bothered or to be told -- one is bothering another --
or you just don't bother to
does that makes sense
enough of being bothered by bother

the reality is
my green monster is dead, the beast is no longer able to be fixed
my daughter's car still isn't fixed
i have no car of my own, even though back and forth they (my husband and his buddies) have dithered over some contour

I am more than half tempted to purchase a vehicle on my own. I am tired with the annoyance of shuffling people...and my sister will be back from Rome soon. arghhhh

F's grill is deceptive, it looks fine on the outside, to an extent that is, and on the inside, the bottom is ready to fall out.

new grill needed

this is going to be an expensive summer
new mattress
new grill
new car

guess it is a good thing i am working like a dog.
blah