Last Sunday the "girls" in the family that were interested (this does not exclude those that are miles away and couldnt have made it without paying airfare)....... got together at the oldest of the J' sister's house to work on my mother's surprise scrapbook. June 13th, Mom will be 80 years old. I consider that I will be 50 and think, Geesh, I really must keep living or else I will be done and never been cooked. So this week I lived a little in a short span of space and days.
Thursday was the duo birthday, two oldest turning 29 and 26 respectively... but Friday was the youngest first prom of two scheduled... thursday... the birth date, i spent 8 hours at work, 6 hours shopping and 3 doing hair. Went to bed at 1, up at 4:30, dragged myself to my job, left at 11:30, shopped more, drove to the North End with all the necessary trimmings the youngest wanted, returned to the homestead to cook and clean and get ready for a birthday bash, small intimate, and without a doubt one of our best. Giant Lobsters... over 10 lbs ...a piece and what a feast... so was the joy, so was the passion, the pleasure, the release... but throughout the evening out side the door stood the oldest with his gf... in and out, oppression, for us, anger for him.
he was excluded, the child looking in, as in the story of the children from Weathering Heights...or the cat, left outside, while the dog is pampered inside the house, or even still, the poor boy lookin at a vision of how it could be if he were different... it was cruel, some would say how could you? but we did, and we had to, a lesson to teach...trying a new thing? Prayer, if the entire world were to focus on the drug addicts and the drinkers of the world for just one day, would the thoughts pervade .... entwine and save one, one thousand... one thousand men women .... Americans, how many are dead across the world now, internal wars are big and small, yet each a significant statement, one line or a book, they both rage on, i rage on now... could write more, the paradox... the ying and yang, the ....
I have that on the list now to bring to Mom, one giant lobster for her birthday gift. So...in the midst of happiness is the opposite, the midst of despair, my son, lost cometh and goeth as he pleases, fights day and nights, waking to find him sleepin in the recliner chair, his gf stashed beside his bed, "Why wouldnt she sleep on the bed?" I asked. You sneak into the house, and sleep, "You think Im going to scream at you at 4 in the morning? She is not a dog sleeping on the floor!"
I've given you hundreds of dollars this year alone, I cant do it any more. I cant and I wont," I say it again and again.
The youngest boy says, "i can't live with you, with him here, fear."
I say, "dont go, and he is not living here, and why should i explain myself to you, and he isnt living here, and he isnt allowed to be here, he just comes here, we make him leave time and time again, ripping opened my guts on the floor, stepping on me, on them, on and on, over and over.
I am maintaining that all this is not going to kill me, or my spouse. however, it does make it easier to close our bedroom door and lock ourselves in and leave the world behind. It just does workfor a few hours, yet we do not sleep through the night, neither him nor i, we are plagued by reflux and leg cramps, and nightmares-- we keep trying though
.... this weekend, i finally have 2 days off...i will clean my porch, f will open the pool, and we will tender to our homestead as best as we can, weakened from the war ...
the world is at war .... with itself, nature ...killed by man, man killing man, children killing...child killing parents, killing family, it is a silent killer,
this country ...what does it stand for? what is man'kind's commitment to man. Men, Women our sons and daughters, nearly 1000 more dead in a year from the war, how many dead from the killer, heroin, what are the statistics... burn the field, shoot them dead, how many would there be, like vampires i once wrote, 6 years ago, and it continues, in to the night they draw blood, and leave behind someone broken or something broken into, stealing away, to ease their pain, that persists and grows with each waking moment, death just a knock, prison just an opening, and families, passing through invisible doors, never framed paths --- they never realized existed, the products of pain seeping through the flesh visible to doctors who treat them, knowing there is no end, only death, or a new beginning...
it is easier to take the same path, than to proceed on the new one
the old path is well worn, you know every corner, every rock, every stream to freshen up, every rain storm, and every hurricane,
the new path, is one taken slow, watching out for mines, you may lose a leg or an arm. you may lose the life you are trying to save.
is there any hope? the youngest son keeps his eyes opened at all times.
lying awake like waiting for the bomb to hit the house, there is not shelter here.
the war is taking its toll.
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