again ive been moved into a special project...will i succeed.... two days now we have made goal, my boss was happy...today however i worked 12 hours to get stuff done that should have been done a month ago...oh well.... cant do everything.
i am so mad at my dr.... her sec faxed the wrong test results to my gyn....they called me.....What's going on...they sent us stuff from January.... arghhh...now i have to wait even longer to find out what the decision is going to be...it may not just be a lap....... arghhh...
i took my b day off..and havent told a soul hahahah...
.i just want to take off and go to NYC... i could and no one would even know ... they could think i am in work and i would be sitting in the theatre enjoying a wonderful play... now that the strike is over that's all i can think about....
mk...got refused for his passport, if he was an illeagle...that's how i'll call it to be politically correct he would have a license and God knows what other identification...here he is an american born kid and he has to have 5 pieces of something to prove it....it is bs that is what it is.
well my new medication is working some what except that i feel like a greased pig and that part sucks. this is just a whine session....and i know it....so much for that ...it is really bugging me that i am turning 50...it just really is...not that i feel so much different but gheeze ive got so much to do in my life...
hp is coming tomorrow to remove her furniture, that will free 1.5 rooms in my house...wow wow.... space yahoo... that is something every one will enjoy...i will be able to use my treadmill and the tv room will be a delight to everyone...welcome back house.
on the other hand rw is not here and i am really really sad about that too...3-5 years he said and it aint even the final count.... not that he isnt a jerk..it is just that feeling fractured sucks...and that is how i feel when we are all together and he is not here...and i think about the times we could be having together with his baby ...the little love that he is and my heart is just ripped up and that is the part that is sometimes killing me the most because i cant think about it, coz if i do i just feel so very very sad...enough bitching...
there is nothing i can do to change the way things are
just keep going and praying and hoping that someday he will gain the strength to be whole...and not be part of that clan that is forever labeled.... a drug addict...
that would be a gift...when i was really sick i prayed to God, make him well, i dont even care if i ever get better if he was to get well...but that didnt happen..and i am still not well... figures...
next thurday i am going to join the senior choir at church - i will be the youngest one there. ha! this is something i will enjoy alleluia...
Friday, November 30, 2007
Wednesday, November 14, 2007
the unthinkable....
Somehow throughout my life I manage to get myself into trouble, being nice, well.... in the supply closet at work there were some pretty nifty hats, hats that should be given to people not just collecting dust, but i suppose....well i asked the jr manager who they were for, and he told me for a certain crew but that they were never given out, so i ask if i could give one to bn .... who is really deserving of a gift for no reason, a just because gift because he would never qualify for anything in the real of po logic...so i gave him one, you would think it was the best thing, he loves it...wears it with pride...that was a great gift some of the people in there you can give them something and they just wont care...it is only trash to them.....so anyway... the nosey body got ahold of bn and questioned him, where'd you get that hat.... of course he said...supervisor stupid gave it to me ---which by all means i am glad i gave it to him ---- so i get this email in work...
You took a hat out of the supply room and gave it to bn. We will talk about this Monday...from ds...well..you would think she was my boss...i felt like responding yes you fn bi it took it, now what...but... i just ignored her message ....this morning i get another email.... you gave bn a hat from the supply room you must pay jlb 12.00 for the hat as soon as possible.
I answered ....no problem
the truth is my boss never said a word to me, and he probably knows of the story... maybe he is pissed, but i did ask someone about the hats and thinking they were to be given out i saw nothing wrong in giving it out... however my judgment was laxs...yet again....yet i dont care about the 12 bucks.... i am still happy that i gave bn the hat because he appreciates it and wears it with a smile. however i am pissed at the pissy secretary... and feel like asking her what her problem is... i would prefer to not have to work with her as she shows so little courtesy and consideration, she could have just talked to me, but no she email...fine...and i didnt mention it and neither did my boss... so what does he really think? arghhhh
You took a hat out of the supply room and gave it to bn. We will talk about this Monday...from ds...well..you would think she was my boss...i felt like responding yes you fn bi it took it, now what...but... i just ignored her message ....this morning i get another email.... you gave bn a hat from the supply room you must pay jlb 12.00 for the hat as soon as possible.
I answered ....no problem
the truth is my boss never said a word to me, and he probably knows of the story... maybe he is pissed, but i did ask someone about the hats and thinking they were to be given out i saw nothing wrong in giving it out... however my judgment was laxs...yet again....yet i dont care about the 12 bucks.... i am still happy that i gave bn the hat because he appreciates it and wears it with a smile. however i am pissed at the pissy secretary... and feel like asking her what her problem is... i would prefer to not have to work with her as she shows so little courtesy and consideration, she could have just talked to me, but no she email...fine...and i didnt mention it and neither did my boss... so what does he really think? arghhhh
Saturday, November 10, 2007
shopping surgery and passports
Fred made it through his surgery, I hope this stops his chocking and hacking in the middle of the night, i know i have reflux, but he has it so horrid, i guess i am pretty used to it all, back takes all the attention... i dont know just cant figure it all out, he's been home three days, and i have been home 1 and i just dont get much done, did take the dd and mike for their passports, if all goes right di will be going to the motherland, Germany and Czech for a world wind tour of numerous depression monument to the Holicaust which isnt a bad thing. I wouldnt mind going myself, but with her school I know she will experience a different kind of trip without me being with her, lots to do as usual. did start the xmas shopping and have about 1/2 of it done...if i get the rest done before the end of the month i will feel good and wont be a nut at the end of the holidays. so much to do around the house i will be glad when i get back on schedule with work so i can spend more time organizing... I am looking forward to Christmas and just enjoying life. i am completely ignoring the result of the pelvic ultrasound... why fix it if nothing is bothering you and surgery is not something i want to add to my holidays. yup lets have fun.
Thursday, November 08, 2007
november
yes, somehow, some way, the year is coming to a close, time is not a friend of mine at this moment. I did buy a turkey...and i will have a three day weekend which will be awesome -- perhaps I can get ready for the holiday. Fred's surgery is today, and of course every time he has surgery i get nervous... But hopefully this will help him breath better --- the smoking is over whelming... and he needs to quit, how can i make him...cant... we all die sooner or later he says...oh ill put that on his tombstone. arghhhhh....
Monday, November 05, 2007
from my iphone
This is totally amazing, blogging from my iPhone? Is this possible
iguess this is the test.
iguess this is the test.
from my iphone
This is totally amazing, blogging from my iPhone? Is this possible
iguess this is the test
iguess this is the test
Saturday, November 03, 2007
ever persistent change
the old boy network is at work in the old po. the processes that were in place are going over significant change. I have no idea what will happen next. covering a co worker while she is out of a month...or so it seems... oh well new things do keep me going. working again like a dog and my house is a disaster this has got to be fixed. went to the drs...my mri shows my back is still the same, will i ever recover, no... this is it, so live with it, and within it... proof..i need to get inot shape. I have the number for a personal trainer that works out of the Sheraton in Boston, but I think I might just join the bac.... i just have to do it.
the other surprise was the pelvic ..fibroid uterus, enlarged, two cysts and just a mess great... primary stated call the gyn... ill pass. im feeling just fine.... well most of the time.
the other surprise was the pelvic ..fibroid uterus, enlarged, two cysts and just a mess great... primary stated call the gyn... ill pass. im feeling just fine.... well most of the time.
Monday, October 29, 2007
WOWWHEE
Well they did it! The Soxs socked those Rocks, and we had a great time watching them...it is sooo crazy having an awesome tv in our bedroom....
Monday, October 22, 2007
Wow and WOW
After a long series, but an entertaining one the Red Soxs have made it to the series. Now the Sox have to take on the Rocks, and Boy do I hope they Sox it to them! My love of baseball beseeches me. I dont know why I continue this affair as it gives me so many ups and downs, and worst of all it isnt like I get to go to a game much. the priciness of the tickets is a killer oh well but the tv is free, but as i told hubby, it is a lot easier to watch a game at the park...
there are distractions at the park that keep you ---
at home ---the pacing the floor infront of you, through to the kitchen and back again, the guant stares and groans while standing by the sofa alone, the clapping weakly and then loudly and the screaming that shakes the house is just a small example of watching a do or die game --- and kids looking at you like you are out of your mind only happen in my living room. At the park you can cheer and jeer, and sing and dance and
geesh ill have to finish this later....
there are distractions at the park that keep you ---
at home ---the pacing the floor infront of you, through to the kitchen and back again, the guant stares and groans while standing by the sofa alone, the clapping weakly and then loudly and the screaming that shakes the house is just a small example of watching a do or die game --- and kids looking at you like you are out of your mind only happen in my living room. At the park you can cheer and jeer, and sing and dance and
geesh ill have to finish this later....
Monday, October 15, 2007
Sunday, October 14, 2007
time gone by
seems impossible that the pool is closed, ive put the summer things away, and fall has been knocking on the window for over a week. the redsox's loss last night....arghh it was painful, but we could have won...faith and the faithful...
have been lacks about posting, writing and doing much of anything as my back has been out for a couple of weeks now, the cool air is not helping it much --- looking for a hotel in NYC trying to plan for that. January looks like the best rates. I have to check and see if Dianna wants to come and go from there.
some of my favorite pictures from days gone by recently....
Monday, October 01, 2007
hair cuts
the Bubbins got his first hair cut... his curly white locks sent to the bin, saving forver ... Karen said he tired to put them back on. "As each one fell, he would lift it and pat it to his head." He is a handsome boy, and looks like his father....and yes, although a toddler, a big boy, not so much a baby. He used his new Ikea cups and loved his new chair and the Diego toy we purchase for him for his birthday....
His father is still crazy....i dont know if he will ever change. Love cant fix him.
This morning is one of those mornings that I just feel like crawling back to bed and sleeping.... Our vacation last week was way too short. How i enjoy just hubbing along.... October 1st....time to think of Christmas organization and getting ready for the holidays. Steph is still away not back til thrus or fri.... i miss my JC.... i am just writing this to avoid going to work
The series starts this week...tonight is football...and Mikey has yet to start painting the kitchen ...procrastinator...he is painting every thing but.
His father is still crazy....i dont know if he will ever change. Love cant fix him.
This morning is one of those mornings that I just feel like crawling back to bed and sleeping.... Our vacation last week was way too short. How i enjoy just hubbing along.... October 1st....time to think of Christmas organization and getting ready for the holidays. Steph is still away not back til thrus or fri.... i miss my JC.... i am just writing this to avoid going to work
The series starts this week...tonight is football...and Mikey has yet to start painting the kitchen ...procrastinator...he is painting every thing but.
Saturday, September 29, 2007
Friday, September 28, 2007
apple cart
one symbol used in the wrong space can upset the entire apple cart...
so i would say that is me...
death has come to the imc and i am back in my old haunt...
i dont know how long i am staying there...
oh well...
of course they ask, isnt he going to be here for monday
probably not ....but...i feel like saying would you be here if your father died...
anyway...life goes on
there must be an alternative to working this hard.
so i would say that is me...
death has come to the imc and i am back in my old haunt...
i dont know how long i am staying there...
oh well...
of course they ask, isnt he going to be here for monday
probably not ....but...i feel like saying would you be here if your father died...
anyway...life goes on
there must be an alternative to working this hard.
Wednesday, September 26, 2007
My Soxs
Red now
in my youth, there was only gray and white and blue sox's to wear,
but with the Red, we shout I dare, I will, Come and get me, and I'll see you through... Believe in us, we believe in you. For long ago a dream that was true, is still that dream filled with God Bless You. too...
It comes like a sneeze, a cathchew cauchew.... the memory, the angst, the wonder, the news....
I watched Yaz and Scott, and Tony C
I watched too, when Buckner bent his knees---
I long ago swooned at Lonberg and though Reggie was cool, and then Nomar and the rest of that crew.... long ago...I sat in the bleachers for less than a duece. I stood by the fence near Landsdowne Street and kissed many a summer goodbye in the heat.
I've watched as September became boring beyound belief, no Red Soxs playing, who cares, the rest stink...
But this year, this team, yes this TEAM -- This ONE -- has had glory and honor, and struggles and grief, it has seasoned players and new kids on the block and sometimes they all stink...but for the most part...it has been a season of bliss....lets keep it going on guys....lets give everyone else the hip!... This year these boys, yes boys i must say, remember the fun in the game,
Let's go!!! Lester and Pap, and oh ho, hummm Big Pappi, let's go Ellsbury, Pedroia, Lowell and Youki ---Mike Lowell, and Coco, and let's not forget Manny, let's go Varitek, and J D too let's go Red Soxs GO RED dont be blue!!!! to be continued....: )
in my youth, there was only gray and white and blue sox's to wear,
but with the Red, we shout I dare, I will, Come and get me, and I'll see you through... Believe in us, we believe in you. For long ago a dream that was true, is still that dream filled with God Bless You. too...
It comes like a sneeze, a cathchew cauchew.... the memory, the angst, the wonder, the news....
I watched Yaz and Scott, and Tony C
I watched too, when Buckner bent his knees---
I long ago swooned at Lonberg and though Reggie was cool, and then Nomar and the rest of that crew.... long ago...I sat in the bleachers for less than a duece. I stood by the fence near Landsdowne Street and kissed many a summer goodbye in the heat.
I've watched as September became boring beyound belief, no Red Soxs playing, who cares, the rest stink...
But this year, this team, yes this TEAM -- This ONE -- has had glory and honor, and struggles and grief, it has seasoned players and new kids on the block and sometimes they all stink...but for the most part...it has been a season of bliss....lets keep it going on guys....lets give everyone else the hip!... This year these boys, yes boys i must say, remember the fun in the game,
Let's go!!! Lester and Pap, and oh ho, hummm Big Pappi, let's go Ellsbury, Pedroia, Lowell and Youki ---Mike Lowell, and Coco, and let's not forget Manny, let's go Varitek, and J D too let's go Red Soxs GO RED dont be blue!!!! to be continued....: )
Thursday, September 20, 2007
is it ?
it is past my bed time, i ve not slept ...legs keeping me awake, i stretched out for hours it seems...didnt make it to dds school just could not do the walking as still recovering from the horrid flu..... spent two days in my old haunt and think i will return to Eb tomorrow ...i do not know what is happening...one day at a time. will be off sun thru tuesday a little vacation well needed... tomorrow i will be exhausted from no slept although i tried to catch it sometimes
sleep it is a he or a she
it is a star or the moon
is it a firefly or a mosquito
is it a lightbulb or a hue
sleep what are you>
sleep the city cover by fog sleeps no lights gray shadows tall building looming over smaller one like monsters and robots ready to leap cool gray water touched the thick cotton sky and i watch to see lights flicker on and off off and on on and off boats sail moored shrink wrapped presents docked upon the shore no ribbons but bows and my skin feels the salt air and my tongue thirst for refreshment ---- water but not from the mist or the ocean a cool clean river to walk upon yes and drink from it anew refresh
sleep are you?
sleep it is a he or a she
it is a star or the moon
is it a firefly or a mosquito
is it a lightbulb or a hue
sleep what are you>
sleep the city cover by fog sleeps no lights gray shadows tall building looming over smaller one like monsters and robots ready to leap cool gray water touched the thick cotton sky and i watch to see lights flicker on and off off and on on and off boats sail moored shrink wrapped presents docked upon the shore no ribbons but bows and my skin feels the salt air and my tongue thirst for refreshment ---- water but not from the mist or the ocean a cool clean river to walk upon yes and drink from it anew refresh
sleep are you?
Wednesday, September 19, 2007
plans
hub wants me to take next tuesday off... silly if i do not get monday off too... i will ask...i should not have delayed but... i will try---.it is our anniversary... i asked. what are we going to do? and he didnt say much... I wonder if he has a plan? something i should never wonder.
i went crazy last night and had all my hair chopped off... now to get the color straightened out that would be good. the bug is lingering in me...arghhhh....
i went crazy last night and had all my hair chopped off... now to get the color straightened out that would be good. the bug is lingering in me...arghhhh....
Tuesday, September 18, 2007
change
the once tepid morning is now cool,
need of robe, hot shower
dry hair, with warmth in mind
heater on in auto
mobile, noble wind, earth, sea,
what chilly news will you bring?
need of robe, hot shower
dry hair, with warmth in mind
heater on in auto
mobile, noble wind, earth, sea,
what chilly news will you bring?
Friday, September 14, 2007
given
it is 8:35 --- my eyes are barely open... chills...leg pains.... home from work which is a never... but here i am sick .... and i wish i wasnt...home is okay at least there is hope i might get better.
Wednesday, September 12, 2007
not picked....
not chosen, and not complaining... it would have been a two week trial i think ...or longer a murder trial... something i do not regret getting challenge for..... it was nice to get home early and just enjoy my life a little, make dinner, make a few phone calls, wow there is life out there besides work.i have three bags of baseball peanuts in my office....just the small ones.... i wonder what the shelf life is considering that i have had them here since june hummm..september ...12th almost half way through....i need to go shopping for the bub...who will be 2 wow--- and johnny will turn 9 even scarier...
let me get through the next few days as work is going to be an uproar
let me get through the next few days as work is going to be an uproar
Tuesday, September 11, 2007
ceiling
the fan swirls above me as i sit half covered by a towel although the air is cool i am drying before dressing not in a hurry tomorrow the government the people's choice will take me for a few hours maybe maybe more i wouldnt mind being sequestered at this moment perhaps my idealism of the entire mystic would change if it would to be true, but i look forward to this little time to serve in the judicial system and the truth be known, i dont have to go to work. It isnt that i do not like my job, it is that right now --- i dread working with someone who really is quite harsh and i cannot get a sense of who this person is--- as if there is something else there... and then there is this other man twerp who is just so rude to me at times i feel like telling him to go ---- well i wont say it...is it i that cant stand her or is it she that cant stand me... what her truth is is beyond me. i think she is a liar. maybe i am wrong ....however we shall see
Friday, September 07, 2007
still exhausted...
i am exhausted today... still... came home and slept but not peacefully everyone was waking me up... read this, can you find this? I need a vacation... again...i do pray for a better day today.
Thursday, September 06, 2007
more work and not working out
somehow my plan to join the bac hasnt worked out... i am too friggen tired...last night i didnt get home til 8, i spent the time with dd doing her hair and getting her ready for the 1st day of school. i watched a movie with her, but then i ...i... had to go to bed, i forgot that i woke up at like 3 something am...no wonder i was exhausted...and now i am still exhausted but off to work...and she will be off to school with her day dropping her at the t.... junior girl...i remember my junior year as one of my best.... go di go ...
Wednesday, September 05, 2007
sleep
somehow between the rush at work yesterday, and dinner, and the last quiet moment i remember feeling the softness of my husband's face... i feel asleep only to wake before the alarm, 3:30 am. wow! I was exhausted when I got home yesterday, but i guess i didnt realize how tired. I wish I felt this way every day when I wake, just enough sleep.... and relaxed as i dont have work for two and so so hours. ive had a headache for days, and this sleep... helped--but work sucked yesterday, it just really did.
Sunday, September 02, 2007
half tellers
once someone said to me, only show half your ass, or in other words never tell the entire truth, or story or what ever it maybe, this way you can cya, or cover your ass, or leave a door or window open or something like that....but throughout my life, i have never been a cyar... I can be brutally honest, and even more so, say things at the wrong time, and then again, i am anot keep my mouth shutter..or nkmsr. now... what is the point of all this? if you cant tell the entire truth than why bother to tell anything at all> If you tell the story so changed around and embellished from the facts then it is fiction even if it is truth to you -- yes it is still fiction.... There are many truths, how many times must i remind my self of that.... but.... i have met so many liars who tell untruths for so many various reasons.... it would be nice to run into honesty someday.... it just really would be and then i would be faced with an almost vision of myself except when i am practicing the art of being a half teller, cyar, or even a kmar... or even a nkmsr -- git... what is that again?
Saturday, September 01, 2007
tired before i begin
went to bed early and woke a t 1 am... now i am up for work and Mikey is just coming in... college age and only in the collage of life..yes deliberate typeo ...yes i make many... i am exhausted and now have to go to the grind --- arghh why think of them...f has three days off... i will get 2...yahoo... holding my own thinking... fearful of the month that are going to follow
Thursday, August 30, 2007
one day left
I count down the days, well the last few days waiting for August to end and September to come in... What am I waiting for I wonder as the 6th will change the quiet of the last few weeks with the D going back to school...and then Halloween will be upon us, and Thanksgiving and Christmas all over again...
I will turn 50 in between all that and my dream was to take a cruise to some place hot without any kids to harrass me, but i dont see that happening with all the has happened this year...so again it will be postponed to something else. I am going to look into last minute trips, but our passport or rather lack of them even though i filled our the forms a year ago...well they still haven't been done...arghhhh... this weekend will be a good time to get them together....everyone has all kinds of plans...i just plan on staying home and enjoying my time off...least i forget the shopping trip with the d...oh well there goes my pocket book.
I will turn 50 in between all that and my dream was to take a cruise to some place hot without any kids to harrass me, but i dont see that happening with all the has happened this year...so again it will be postponed to something else. I am going to look into last minute trips, but our passport or rather lack of them even though i filled our the forms a year ago...well they still haven't been done...arghhhh... this weekend will be a good time to get them together....everyone has all kinds of plans...i just plan on staying home and enjoying my time off...least i forget the shopping trip with the d...oh well there goes my pocket book.
Wednesday, August 29, 2007
August 29th
Labor day weekend is coming... it is going to be some time in work, no one has been in.... those that do come in work like dogs...it sucks.... but we continue on.
S says she has a new puppy, i couldnt deal with one....i forgot to ask if yk took sugar to the new house.... I need to get into focus to take care of myself... so much work...oh well... September is my favorite month....wow...
S says she has a new puppy, i couldnt deal with one....i forgot to ask if yk took sugar to the new house.... I need to get into focus to take care of myself... so much work...oh well... September is my favorite month....wow...
Monday, August 27, 2007
Bubbins goes to the Beach
I went to the big beach with Grammy. The beach is not a pool. The beach is the ocean and the water is very salty. VBlahhh.
Grammy said, "The beach has waves." I waved to it a few times, but it kept waving and waving and waving. I guess the beach never stops waving.
The beach I go to has very soft sand and a sand bar. That means that the water is not too deep most of the time for little ones like me.
But today there was a lot of seaweed along the shoreline. There was brown seaweed with little bulbs on it. There was skinny grassy strappy type seaweed and there was also big leafy green seaweed. Grammy said there are all kinds of seaweed. She said some people eat seaweed. "Ick" is what I say about seaweed. It tried to get me a few times but I pulled it off of my little feet. By the time I left the beach I was no longer afraid of seaweed, but it is still "ICKKKKKKY."
When I was swimming in the water with Grammy, I saw something scary. It had two arms that went up and down in the water, it had a squished face with one big square eye, and it had a tube that stuck out of the water as it moved its arms. I was scared at first and held Grammy tight, but Grammy told me not to worry, that it was a person snorggling. I watched as the snorkler swam this way and that way. Soon I was saying hello, but he didn't hear me.
I also saw a buoy in the water when I was swimming. It was white and red and blue. It bobbed up and own in the water. The buoy tells boats they cannot come any closer. It also tells people they cannot go past it. The lifeguard always blew his whistle and waved his arms at anyone who went out to the buoy.
At the beach there was a little boy from France. I know this because Grammy said his parents spoke French. I said hi but the boy didn't understand me. We had the same shaped pail and shovel but they were different colors. I had a purple shovel and he had a purple pail. I had a blue pail and and he had a green shovel. We both made sand castles with our pails and shovels. I stepped on all of mine. He left his standing.
Grammy and I walked along the edge of the water where the waves come into the sand. We were looking for seaglass. I found no seaglass, and Grammy found only one piece on the entire beach. It was brown and looked like a seahorse. I found lots and lots of rocks, little rocks and big rocks, gray and white rocks, black rocks and brown rocks and marble type rocks. I found so many rocks that I could not bring them home. I left them in a pile for someone else to play with.
I played, ready, on your Market, get set, and go, at the beach. I ran from the big rock wall to the blanket over and over again. Grammy said most of the time you cannot run at the beach because it is too crowded, but it was okay today because the beach was not crowded. Grammy even let me jump on the blanket. It was great.
In the water at the beach there were boats, motor boats and sailboats. The motor boats made funny noises and lots of waves. The sailboats just floated along.
Above the water I saw two planes carrying big giant flags. One was about lemonade and the other was about sharks. I did not understand them at all.
After awhile it started to sprinkle, Grammy said we had to leave before it poured. I don't know why as we were getting wet anyway.
I love the beach. It is the ocean.
for Little R. 8/26, 2007
Grammy said, "The beach has waves." I waved to it a few times, but it kept waving and waving and waving. I guess the beach never stops waving.
The beach I go to has very soft sand and a sand bar. That means that the water is not too deep most of the time for little ones like me.
But today there was a lot of seaweed along the shoreline. There was brown seaweed with little bulbs on it. There was skinny grassy strappy type seaweed and there was also big leafy green seaweed. Grammy said there are all kinds of seaweed. She said some people eat seaweed. "Ick" is what I say about seaweed. It tried to get me a few times but I pulled it off of my little feet. By the time I left the beach I was no longer afraid of seaweed, but it is still "ICKKKKKKY."
When I was swimming in the water with Grammy, I saw something scary. It had two arms that went up and down in the water, it had a squished face with one big square eye, and it had a tube that stuck out of the water as it moved its arms. I was scared at first and held Grammy tight, but Grammy told me not to worry, that it was a person snorggling. I watched as the snorkler swam this way and that way. Soon I was saying hello, but he didn't hear me.
I also saw a buoy in the water when I was swimming. It was white and red and blue. It bobbed up and own in the water. The buoy tells boats they cannot come any closer. It also tells people they cannot go past it. The lifeguard always blew his whistle and waved his arms at anyone who went out to the buoy.
At the beach there was a little boy from France. I know this because Grammy said his parents spoke French. I said hi but the boy didn't understand me. We had the same shaped pail and shovel but they were different colors. I had a purple shovel and he had a purple pail. I had a blue pail and and he had a green shovel. We both made sand castles with our pails and shovels. I stepped on all of mine. He left his standing.
Grammy and I walked along the edge of the water where the waves come into the sand. We were looking for seaglass. I found no seaglass, and Grammy found only one piece on the entire beach. It was brown and looked like a seahorse. I found lots and lots of rocks, little rocks and big rocks, gray and white rocks, black rocks and brown rocks and marble type rocks. I found so many rocks that I could not bring them home. I left them in a pile for someone else to play with.
I played, ready, on your Market, get set, and go, at the beach. I ran from the big rock wall to the blanket over and over again. Grammy said most of the time you cannot run at the beach because it is too crowded, but it was okay today because the beach was not crowded. Grammy even let me jump on the blanket. It was great.
In the water at the beach there were boats, motor boats and sailboats. The motor boats made funny noises and lots of waves. The sailboats just floated along.
Above the water I saw two planes carrying big giant flags. One was about lemonade and the other was about sharks. I did not understand them at all.
After awhile it started to sprinkle, Grammy said we had to leave before it poured. I don't know why as we were getting wet anyway.
I love the beach. It is the ocean.
for Little R. 8/26, 2007
Sunday, August 26, 2007
lament
the night once a deep blue sea has turned like a black crayon covered by film, watched and waxed, fine filtered fog finds the morning
wet dripping in gauze, the sun is hiding, the moon is too
leaves once soft and supple are tough and aged their lives cut
too short soon they will turn and fall jumble tumble
they will be raked and bagged and burned and buried and jumped into
not necessarily in any order the little shelters built only for a month will be
crushed and regenerated into the land building soil and garden and hutch
like a movie set and just as expensive because after they fall they are useless
wet dripping in gauze, the sun is hiding, the moon is too
leaves once soft and supple are tough and aged their lives cut
too short soon they will turn and fall jumble tumble
they will be raked and bagged and burned and buried and jumped into
not necessarily in any order the little shelters built only for a month will be
crushed and regenerated into the land building soil and garden and hutch
like a movie set and just as expensive because after they fall they are useless
Monday, August 20, 2007
The Bubs FIrst Adventure
Sunday, Grammy came to pick me up. Just Grammy, no Papa, because we were going to the cape to visit my greater Grammy, Great Grammy.
I fussed a little bit about half way down, but then Grammy and I began to sing songs. We sang The Three Little Fishes, and Willoby Wolloby, and my very favorite of all Bingo. I love that clapping.
Just as we were almost at Great Grammy's, the Papa car had a problem. The brakes stopped working. Grammy drove slow, and then we almost rode into the house, just kidding. We made it okay. But, we didn't get to go the the little beach because Grammy had to get the car fixed and find a way back home.
I played with Great Grammy in the back yard. We played three ball, and one big ball, we played with rocks, and best of all we read my picture book. I counted all the fishes, and told Great Grammy all my colors. After a while we went into the house because the sqeetos were coming out and we don't want to catch EEE.
Grammy had to get a tow truck. She was on the phone off and on. I played with Great Uncle Jim's little chair, and Grammy's little chair. They are both over 45 years old. Grammy's is a rocker. Great Uncle Jimmy's has no rockers because he rocked them off when he was my age. That is what I heard.
We waited for the tow truck. I played the piano. Grammy told me,"One finger, One finger." So that is what I did. Plick, plunk, tink, wink, plick, plunk, but every once in a while I've have to let those keys have allllmy little fingers and, "Whump" or "Tinkleingunk" would come from the piano.
The big tow truck arrived. I watched the man load Papa's car onto the ramp truck.
"Bye," I said to Papa's car as he went away.
Great Grammy drove Grammy and I to the bus stop. I fell asleep until it was time to get onto the bus.
Grammy picked me up, I saw all the people, I was so tired they looked like a bunch of monsters on the bus. And it was FULL - Full of Monsters! I was so scared I started to scream and cry. All the monsters on the bus looked at me. They had mean faces. Grammy held me tight so I would not be scared. I closed my eyes and slept on Grammy the entire way home.
When I woke up at the bus station all the monsters were gone. They turned into people again. I was happy.
That was my first bus ride, and what a ride it was.
Little R The Bubbins August 19, 2007
I fussed a little bit about half way down, but then Grammy and I began to sing songs. We sang The Three Little Fishes, and Willoby Wolloby, and my very favorite of all Bingo. I love that clapping.
Just as we were almost at Great Grammy's, the Papa car had a problem. The brakes stopped working. Grammy drove slow, and then we almost rode into the house, just kidding. We made it okay. But, we didn't get to go the the little beach because Grammy had to get the car fixed and find a way back home.
I played with Great Grammy in the back yard. We played three ball, and one big ball, we played with rocks, and best of all we read my picture book. I counted all the fishes, and told Great Grammy all my colors. After a while we went into the house because the sqeetos were coming out and we don't want to catch EEE.
Grammy had to get a tow truck. She was on the phone off and on. I played with Great Uncle Jim's little chair, and Grammy's little chair. They are both over 45 years old. Grammy's is a rocker. Great Uncle Jimmy's has no rockers because he rocked them off when he was my age. That is what I heard.
We waited for the tow truck. I played the piano. Grammy told me,"One finger, One finger." So that is what I did. Plick, plunk, tink, wink, plick, plunk, but every once in a while I've have to let those keys have allllmy little fingers and, "Whump" or "Tinkleingunk" would come from the piano.
The big tow truck arrived. I watched the man load Papa's car onto the ramp truck.
"Bye," I said to Papa's car as he went away.
Great Grammy drove Grammy and I to the bus stop. I fell asleep until it was time to get onto the bus.
Grammy picked me up, I saw all the people, I was so tired they looked like a bunch of monsters on the bus. And it was FULL - Full of Monsters! I was so scared I started to scream and cry. All the monsters on the bus looked at me. They had mean faces. Grammy held me tight so I would not be scared. I closed my eyes and slept on Grammy the entire way home.
When I woke up at the bus station all the monsters were gone. They turned into people again. I was happy.
That was my first bus ride, and what a ride it was.
Little R The Bubbins August 19, 2007
Saturday, August 18, 2007
morning
seeking quiet --- everyone is up.... i am still tired as i stayed up way too late -- the Cake is so thoughtful of Pugsly... now if he would just stop lifting his leg.....
I cannot believe it is August 18th..it seems near impossible, Dianna will be back in school in three weeks... and I who was going to do something about taking a class has yet to do so... God it will be tough I havent been in school for over 5 years.... Is that Possible? I have to decide what I am going to do... now... wow...
I will have the Bub tomorrow and drive his mother back home ...I will see how that goes.
It is fully how G and I get along... omg.
I cannot believe it is August 18th..it seems near impossible, Dianna will be back in school in three weeks... and I who was going to do something about taking a class has yet to do so... God it will be tough I havent been in school for over 5 years.... Is that Possible? I have to decide what I am going to do... now... wow...
I will have the Bub tomorrow and drive his mother back home ...I will see how that goes.
It is fully how G and I get along... omg.
Friday, August 17, 2007
quiet tired
Friday, G is going to nights, EB is mine for the day. Work is crazy and I've been a yoyo.... oH WELL give me strength...to think about other thinks.
Thursday, August 16, 2007
back at the grind
it's been less than a week and i am back into the grind, i also blew monday off and was told Tuesday that I was needed to work at least through September... Mondays off goodbye.... it was nice while it lasted. my main intention is to get out of work on time instead of being so late everyday ... it crimps the focus on what i can do and what i can get done.
Di is now a junior as she passed her math ... She did do her work and I think it was good for her. Next year will be easier I hope except for the fact that she is talking about going to college in Canada... this college thing will be a lot of work, and alot of travel as we will probably start visits after January....She goes from one extreme to another about where she wants to go to school, so ... oh well, i will look at the positives.
Summer is winding down, not so many days at the beach this year, and a lot more dificult having no time to myself on Sundays --- but then again, the Bub, is growing in leaps and bounds, he calls us on the phone now, and he is just a happy special boy...
And the Cake, how he is just the most precious child growing into that inbetween age, and how he has grown with his friends and the time he had spent here this summer....
life is good....
oh yeah
Di is now a junior as she passed her math ... She did do her work and I think it was good for her. Next year will be easier I hope except for the fact that she is talking about going to college in Canada... this college thing will be a lot of work, and alot of travel as we will probably start visits after January....She goes from one extreme to another about where she wants to go to school, so ... oh well, i will look at the positives.
Summer is winding down, not so many days at the beach this year, and a lot more dificult having no time to myself on Sundays --- but then again, the Bub, is growing in leaps and bounds, he calls us on the phone now, and he is just a happy special boy...
And the Cake, how he is just the most precious child growing into that inbetween age, and how he has grown with his friends and the time he had spent here this summer....
life is good....
oh yeah
Monday, August 13, 2007
hot hot hot....im melting
Went back to work after a fab vacation mostly spent at home, but F and I did venture out to Mohegan Sun for a lazy Sunday alone ... It was really a fun evening... and we got to hear Eric Burdon and the Animals sing.... House of the Rising Sun, F's song that relates to his upbringing...and It's my life... lol and just a lot of fun music while we gambled away a few hours.
Probably the funniest part of the evening was when I decided I wanted a player's club card... I went to the desk and was told to "wait there" by the girl at the kiosk....however you spell it...anyway... I said after 5 minutes ..is there a problem.... oh, she said to me, there is a problem with the computer.... so i said... really? as others had come and gone.... and sure enough...along comes a security office.... hummm, i said, what is the problem...and i was told i was banned from the casino...... I said vehemently, I've never even been here... true true, and then.... away i had to go with the security office... where i was checked out...and vindicated --- innocent of the charges....apparently there is another person in Mass with my name and in bad standing.... hummmm an outlaw of some short... So I laughed at that one, and of course F thought it was unfair as he came to rescue me and we lost our place in the free line...
the ride home was dark and creepy for much of the time and we got off the road to get gas and ended up in a small town that came right out of a horror story...we laughed alot and hurried back home
...i know i probably wont go to Mohegan again... Foxwoods is far enough and they are supposed to be building a casino in mass...
my friends at work say suffolk downs...uh oh... that makes me nervous...very close to home... and to my employees...
temptation ...oh yeah
Probably the funniest part of the evening was when I decided I wanted a player's club card... I went to the desk and was told to "wait there" by the girl at the kiosk....however you spell it...anyway... I said after 5 minutes ..is there a problem.... oh, she said to me, there is a problem with the computer.... so i said... really? as others had come and gone.... and sure enough...along comes a security office.... hummm, i said, what is the problem...and i was told i was banned from the casino...... I said vehemently, I've never even been here... true true, and then.... away i had to go with the security office... where i was checked out...and vindicated --- innocent of the charges....apparently there is another person in Mass with my name and in bad standing.... hummmm an outlaw of some short... So I laughed at that one, and of course F thought it was unfair as he came to rescue me and we lost our place in the free line...
the ride home was dark and creepy for much of the time and we got off the road to get gas and ended up in a small town that came right out of a horror story...we laughed alot and hurried back home
...i know i probably wont go to Mohegan again... Foxwoods is far enough and they are supposed to be building a casino in mass...
my friends at work say suffolk downs...uh oh... that makes me nervous...very close to home... and to my employees...
temptation ...oh yeah
Thursday, August 09, 2007
work work work
I've been back to work only a few days and they have been hectic ones. Injuries to employees and paperwork, discipline and other various tasks constant ... at times i just hate it, but other times i love it. what is wrong with me?
alas, had a long conversation with my older sister about our Mom's health, and she and I agree on many of facets regarding the comings and goings of her health care. i feel vindicated in my feelings regarding the discussion with my brother.
My boss gave me tickets to the up and comings at Fenway, but no one is available to go ... so I guess I will give them off, perhaps another time... too bad St is down the cape, Dd is working and I refuse to go with Mugsey.... Fred cant get time as he took time earlier this week....oh well...I will give them to PB i am sure he would love to have them especially since his tickets are not in the same row...weird....
working on my novel finally -- i think i am stronger now and can deal with the rereads etc and the work involved in making it a better read...who knows... it will be an accomplish ment if i can work through each section and complete it as I never seem to be able to get there...but hopefully ....i will find the strength some place.
the big boss said if i look into classes he will investigate and sign off because i want to finish my masters but it is just too expensive so ...perhaps perhaps...
for now the laundry is cooking and so am i ...
alas, had a long conversation with my older sister about our Mom's health, and she and I agree on many of facets regarding the comings and goings of her health care. i feel vindicated in my feelings regarding the discussion with my brother.
My boss gave me tickets to the up and comings at Fenway, but no one is available to go ... so I guess I will give them off, perhaps another time... too bad St is down the cape, Dd is working and I refuse to go with Mugsey.... Fred cant get time as he took time earlier this week....oh well...I will give them to PB i am sure he would love to have them especially since his tickets are not in the same row...weird....
working on my novel finally -- i think i am stronger now and can deal with the rereads etc and the work involved in making it a better read...who knows... it will be an accomplish ment if i can work through each section and complete it as I never seem to be able to get there...but hopefully ....i will find the strength some place.
the big boss said if i look into classes he will investigate and sign off because i want to finish my masters but it is just too expensive so ...perhaps perhaps...
for now the laundry is cooking and so am i ...
Saturday, August 04, 2007
Perfect days
This week has been 7 days of laziness watching movies and just doing what we or i pleased. I only drove D to school three mornings...lol so that was a bank error in my favor for sleeping late. I never usually sleep later than 4 am so it will be difficult returning to work because i have been sleeping til 7 and today it was 8 ... long ago in the days of old i remember sleeping til noon... i wonder if that will ever happen again, my clock as just about everything else has and is constantly changing.
Fred turned 55 this week and had a fantastic day. All the kids were here and then some. I even went and got the Bubbins. He takes so much pleasure in seeing everyone enjoy themselves in the pool -- and this week they all have. We didnt get to bed til near 2 in the morning.... If only we could live like this all ways...
Cook outs and swimming day and night --- nothing could be better than that in this steamy weather. easyLiving in the city oh yeah!
Faithful the book by Steward O'Nan and Stephen King has also cracked me up all week. K sent it to me months ago but I never picked it up. What a great read that I can relate to. Thanks you two for some of the best short takes on the ups and downs of being a Red Soxs Lover.... and I am, I tell you I am. She also sent me a little slip that said Mothers are for loving and telling Stories... So I guess I am some kind of a mother. enough...
I cant believe it is August 4th, my sister birthday.... and I am ever closer to the big 50....arghhhh
Fred turned 55 this week and had a fantastic day. All the kids were here and then some. I even went and got the Bubbins. He takes so much pleasure in seeing everyone enjoy themselves in the pool -- and this week they all have. We didnt get to bed til near 2 in the morning.... If only we could live like this all ways...
Cook outs and swimming day and night --- nothing could be better than that in this steamy weather. easyLiving in the city oh yeah!
Faithful the book by Steward O'Nan and Stephen King has also cracked me up all week. K sent it to me months ago but I never picked it up. What a great read that I can relate to. Thanks you two for some of the best short takes on the ups and downs of being a Red Soxs Lover.... and I am, I tell you I am. She also sent me a little slip that said Mothers are for loving and telling Stories... So I guess I am some kind of a mother. enough...
I cant believe it is August 4th, my sister birthday.... and I am ever closer to the big 50....arghhhh
Friday, August 03, 2007
Vacation.... of sorts
I've forgotten how easy it is to just be home and not have the morning rush, not deal with suits, and stockings, and shoes. Not worry about my unkempt hair.... and shower without worry of time constraints.... it is all too short a time this week, or 10 days as it will be --
We took an impromptu trip to NYC, thanks to my boss who sold me his tickets to Xanadu... I wasnt sure I was going to like it.... but it turned out to be a fantastic funny show a stopper for sure....I remember the movie as horrid. The Cake enjoyed it and understood it.
Mugs whined the entire time he was with us, except at the theatre, so I learned never go on a vacation with him, what a drag...
I saved money by not staying in Times SQ, but it wasnt the same...and I will probably never do that again.
We did stay at a hotel behind the WTC site, so that was good, but very emotional, we could watch workers and tourists from near and far visit all day and night.... It just seems like a cold place, I hope the Freedom Tower will be a vision of light and least they dont forget the greenery.... it is a cement land down there... even though the water is not far, with the tall buildings gray shadows overtake all...
My Mom is fighting a blood pressure battle and I was upset with the fact that her drs. never seem to call her back for days. I made the mistake of calling my brother who said stuff to me like, You should be taking care of yourself... and with that I almost blew my top and found it hard to maintain my composure-- regardless My Mother, Our Mother is a part of my life, and if I feel as if the response she is getting from medical profession regarding her problem is lacking, I most certainly will question it. From Where and what he thinks---- I do not understand. Does he think because one has children, the parents arent of concern? He said I should call my sister and ask her about the timing. And I felt so angry, what would my need be.... Why because my sister has had dealing with the medical community not communicating as quickly as she likes either... geesh... Life experience... I just have to reason that he doesnt have a clue as to what I have dealt with, and leave it as that. or rather he thinks my life is overwhelming me and therefore i am concerned about my Mother, how ridiculous.
So, He did say to me that they have a deal, My Mom. They will move to the cape and take care of her if they have to when the time is needed... OK. Therefore Mom doesnt need to leave her home. I am happy they have such an agreement, but that doesnt take away the now of her blood pressure being out of sync for over three weeks...the damage it could cause is ....i dont want to even say it.... Yes, I know she is 80... i will be lucky if i live that long.
aside, it would be nice to have just one thing happen where my Mother and my brothers and sisters will stop pitying me for some of the stuff that has gone awry in my life. Hey that's what like is, nothing is perfect and I have one thing is my life that is constant, regardless of my struggles... and that is me and my creativity... and of course my husband...who always knows where I am coming from even if no one else does.
so i have rambled on about such stuff... some things therapy just cannot change, because you cant change others you can only change your reaction to them... enough!
It has been too hot to paint ... or do much of anything but be lazy. So I am.
We took an impromptu trip to NYC, thanks to my boss who sold me his tickets to Xanadu... I wasnt sure I was going to like it.... but it turned out to be a fantastic funny show a stopper for sure....I remember the movie as horrid. The Cake enjoyed it and understood it.
Mugs whined the entire time he was with us, except at the theatre, so I learned never go on a vacation with him, what a drag...
I saved money by not staying in Times SQ, but it wasnt the same...and I will probably never do that again.
We did stay at a hotel behind the WTC site, so that was good, but very emotional, we could watch workers and tourists from near and far visit all day and night.... It just seems like a cold place, I hope the Freedom Tower will be a vision of light and least they dont forget the greenery.... it is a cement land down there... even though the water is not far, with the tall buildings gray shadows overtake all...
My Mom is fighting a blood pressure battle and I was upset with the fact that her drs. never seem to call her back for days. I made the mistake of calling my brother who said stuff to me like, You should be taking care of yourself... and with that I almost blew my top and found it hard to maintain my composure-- regardless My Mother, Our Mother is a part of my life, and if I feel as if the response she is getting from medical profession regarding her problem is lacking, I most certainly will question it. From Where and what he thinks---- I do not understand. Does he think because one has children, the parents arent of concern? He said I should call my sister and ask her about the timing. And I felt so angry, what would my need be.... Why because my sister has had dealing with the medical community not communicating as quickly as she likes either... geesh... Life experience... I just have to reason that he doesnt have a clue as to what I have dealt with, and leave it as that. or rather he thinks my life is overwhelming me and therefore i am concerned about my Mother, how ridiculous.
So, He did say to me that they have a deal, My Mom. They will move to the cape and take care of her if they have to when the time is needed... OK. Therefore Mom doesnt need to leave her home. I am happy they have such an agreement, but that doesnt take away the now of her blood pressure being out of sync for over three weeks...the damage it could cause is ....i dont want to even say it.... Yes, I know she is 80... i will be lucky if i live that long.
aside, it would be nice to have just one thing happen where my Mother and my brothers and sisters will stop pitying me for some of the stuff that has gone awry in my life. Hey that's what like is, nothing is perfect and I have one thing is my life that is constant, regardless of my struggles... and that is me and my creativity... and of course my husband...who always knows where I am coming from even if no one else does.
so i have rambled on about such stuff... some things therapy just cannot change, because you cant change others you can only change your reaction to them... enough!
It has been too hot to paint ... or do much of anything but be lazy. So I am.
Friday, July 27, 2007
prevacation...
hummm... today i work and then i am off for a good 10 days...I will have to work my a-- off today but it will be worth it.
Tomorrow Steph, Mikey, the Cake and I will go to NYC for an overnight, see a show, and what else I am not sure of but something will arise... something not planned but just popped up --- then it will be work at home, our new fridge is coming monday, tuesday is Fred's birthday and well the rest of the week I will probably be cleaning and painting the kitchen.....but it will be nice to not have to work and just be home
My mom is not doing well... I am a nervous wreck... my sense of urgency is so elevated that I have to control it...arghhh... I got a key chain from one of the other supv at work..."I dont have an attitude problem, Its supposed to be like this." lol... Yup, bossy. or at least there is a correct way of doing it, then do it the correct way----
things are somewhat better... it has really been a difficult year.
when young, i never realized that as you get older, well at least for me, i am still growing...
Tomorrow Steph, Mikey, the Cake and I will go to NYC for an overnight, see a show, and what else I am not sure of but something will arise... something not planned but just popped up --- then it will be work at home, our new fridge is coming monday, tuesday is Fred's birthday and well the rest of the week I will probably be cleaning and painting the kitchen.....but it will be nice to not have to work and just be home
My mom is not doing well... I am a nervous wreck... my sense of urgency is so elevated that I have to control it...arghhh... I got a key chain from one of the other supv at work..."I dont have an attitude problem, Its supposed to be like this." lol... Yup, bossy. or at least there is a correct way of doing it, then do it the correct way----
things are somewhat better... it has really been a difficult year.
when young, i never realized that as you get older, well at least for me, i am still growing...
Wednesday, July 04, 2007
4th of July?
Wow, another month of this year, it is frightening... i've so much to do. I canvased the fam to see who was interested in taking a cruise...d and m say no, but ha, i have no intentions of leaving them home. I have to have everyone get their passports soon... because you cant travel without them...how foolish of me to wait. Such is life.... i thought it wasnt until jan...
i am in ch again... it is okay, i am managing well... it is not too hard to manage...the mail volume is completely off...so that is another thing....i am relieved to be out of Win. There are certain people i just cannot stand over there..thank G i am gone.
plans are up and down.... weather predicting major rain tonight..fireworks..>>>.i dont know >>>> shopping... oh well have to see later.
i am in ch again... it is okay, i am managing well... it is not too hard to manage...the mail volume is completely off...so that is another thing....i am relieved to be out of Win. There are certain people i just cannot stand over there..thank G i am gone.
plans are up and down.... weather predicting major rain tonight..fireworks..>>>.i dont know >>>> shopping... oh well have to see later.
Monday, July 02, 2007
trust
it is very hard to trust someone you know has lied over and over again.
it is very hard to say, this is okay, when you dont know if it is ok
when you have just been put some place and that is that...
i guess i will find out more as i go...nervous, you aint shhhhhh
it is very hard to say, this is okay, when you dont know if it is ok
when you have just been put some place and that is that...
i guess i will find out more as i go...nervous, you aint shhhhhh
Thursday, June 21, 2007
Mom
My Mother's 80th had come and gone, in a hoopla, and hooray it was a wonderful day, the crowd appeared and dispersed -- it is so funny we are so closely related... I have two grandsons, my brother had two grandsons... my mother 4 great grandsons and 14 grandchildren and one angel in heaven, so that is 18 people on this planet... wow, how amazing life is.
work is coming along... my boss asked me if i wanted to stay in So so ville for a month...I blatantly said, you want to be rid of me, you think i suck...i really need to know if that is the case..he said no...and told me why he brought me... the bottom line was i said i would do whatever he wanted me to do, but to wait until after Saturday to make the decision as they dynamic will soon change. He agreed. whoa... did i say that? it is a lot less stressful -- but .... who knows..i will take things as they come.
work is coming along... my boss asked me if i wanted to stay in So so ville for a month...I blatantly said, you want to be rid of me, you think i suck...i really need to know if that is the case..he said no...and told me why he brought me... the bottom line was i said i would do whatever he wanted me to do, but to wait until after Saturday to make the decision as they dynamic will soon change. He agreed. whoa... did i say that? it is a lot less stressful -- but .... who knows..i will take things as they come.
Tuesday, June 12, 2007
removed
removed from the old and in with the new
removed from what i feel
removed from the space that could be
removed about the remiss
removed as in moved again, and again and again
removed as in rubbed out, it wont happen, it will happen
removed as in let me stand back and see what is the truth
removed as in truth is not always just
removed void the context of what was and what will be
removed replaced reestablished redefine reentry
of what
removed from what i feel
removed from the space that could be
removed about the remiss
removed as in moved again, and again and again
removed as in rubbed out, it wont happen, it will happen
removed as in let me stand back and see what is the truth
removed as in truth is not always just
removed void the context of what was and what will be
removed replaced reestablished redefine reentry
of what
Monday, June 11, 2007
ole' Fireball
Tonight I look out into the yard
and it is vacant of the old soldier that
once owned it.
Pugsley lies with stretched out legs, his paws curled in, head
sloped to the deck boards. He misses his friend.
We will all miss Fireball, good ole dog, died at the age of 18.
well taken away and put to sleep as he wouldnt eat, or drink, his legs moved
only on quivers.
Dear Fireball, you were a good ole boy. We loved you.
Rest, and play in dog heaven.
and it is vacant of the old soldier that
once owned it.
Pugsley lies with stretched out legs, his paws curled in, head
sloped to the deck boards. He misses his friend.
We will all miss Fireball, good ole dog, died at the age of 18.
well taken away and put to sleep as he wouldnt eat, or drink, his legs moved
only on quivers.
Dear Fireball, you were a good ole boy. We loved you.
Rest, and play in dog heaven.
Sunday, June 10, 2007
sense
change again, and it is fine by me, i will be going to another city for a while which is a challenge but i will get to do what i like to do best, but there is a chance that all could change, i hope not, i am only too happy to oblige my boss and go with him on this detail.... what i have then left of me, is a bit of me, struggling to get time for itself and none ever available. the baby is coming over today so that will be a full day for me. and then work, and the trying to tie off the loose ends i might have. i will take everything with me, i dont trust a soul in there. so be it.
Thursday, June 07, 2007
life sucks and then you die
this has never been a favorite tag of mine, some where a while ago, this was brought to keychains and bumper stickers...how depressing and how cynical we all are...but, right at this moment i think things couldn't get much worse for me mentally... f says he wouldnt have made it through..and my job, what can i say, that sucks too... no conforming... yup that is what is going on. push on push back, yep...so it goes. not fun, just flustering fuming and a bit of flaming.... yup
tomorrow i am glad i have the day off ...field of dreams day at Fenway, my poor Soxs... boo hoo... they are tired and need to regroup!! come on guys...get it together!!
tomorrow i am glad i have the day off ...field of dreams day at Fenway, my poor Soxs... boo hoo... they are tired and need to regroup!! come on guys...get it together!!
Saturday, June 02, 2007
stand up /stand down
if i were to tell my mother, i wonder if she would have a heart attack, so i will tell her, but after her party. the kid and his gf, well it has all caught up with him and her, and now, they are in the pen, my husband is without his big tv, i am without any jewelry of any value, his sister is without her diamond from her ex. and we are all a bit broken and fractured from the past .... and the present, i pray he gets some help now. the fbi and cops i guess were ok. hubby spared me from them...but not the kids, who found themselves home and they came into our house, without knocking and well..it has just been perhaps one of the most horrid days of my life. the tears finally came, and like the rain that happened today..they flooded my face, and i realized that i as explained it to his sister that a great part of my choking on my words was the strong sense of relief i felt...but then again i had such a horrid day at work, my boss on his ramage...and me again at the end of the page .... beaten up again... so angry...my job and the po...this just totally sucks again...
Monday, May 28, 2007
My Mother's recipe
I lose things.... i just cant keep myself together sometimes, and i just lose things....
but i am never going to lose this recipe because i put it everywhere...so today, since i am baking it, i am putting it in here.
Blueberry Cake
1 1/2 cups sugar
2 cups of flour
2/3 cups of shortening
blend into small piece
put aside 3/4 cups of mixture for topping later...
add to the original mix
2 tsp baking powder
1 cup milk
1 1/4 cups blueberrries
2 eggs
blend gingerly
mixture will be slightly lumpy
pour into 8x8 inch greased and floured pan
drop blueberries on top if you want a few extra
bake 350 for 40 minutes
but i am never going to lose this recipe because i put it everywhere...so today, since i am baking it, i am putting it in here.
Blueberry Cake
1 1/2 cups sugar
2 cups of flour
2/3 cups of shortening
blend into small piece
put aside 3/4 cups of mixture for topping later...
add to the original mix
2 tsp baking powder
1 cup milk
1 1/4 cups blueberrries
2 eggs
blend gingerly
mixture will be slightly lumpy
pour into 8x8 inch greased and floured pan
drop blueberries on top if you want a few extra
bake 350 for 40 minutes
Sunday, May 27, 2007
pleasure and pain ramblinds
Last Sunday the "girls" in the family that were interested (this does not exclude those that are miles away and couldnt have made it without paying airfare)....... got together at the oldest of the J' sister's house to work on my mother's surprise scrapbook. June 13th, Mom will be 80 years old. I consider that I will be 50 and think, Geesh, I really must keep living or else I will be done and never been cooked. So this week I lived a little in a short span of space and days.
Thursday was the duo birthday, two oldest turning 29 and 26 respectively... but Friday was the youngest first prom of two scheduled... thursday... the birth date, i spent 8 hours at work, 6 hours shopping and 3 doing hair. Went to bed at 1, up at 4:30, dragged myself to my job, left at 11:30, shopped more, drove to the North End with all the necessary trimmings the youngest wanted, returned to the homestead to cook and clean and get ready for a birthday bash, small intimate, and without a doubt one of our best. Giant Lobsters... over 10 lbs ...a piece and what a feast... so was the joy, so was the passion, the pleasure, the release... but throughout the evening out side the door stood the oldest with his gf... in and out, oppression, for us, anger for him.
he was excluded, the child looking in, as in the story of the children from Weathering Heights...or the cat, left outside, while the dog is pampered inside the house, or even still, the poor boy lookin at a vision of how it could be if he were different... it was cruel, some would say how could you? but we did, and we had to, a lesson to teach...trying a new thing? Prayer, if the entire world were to focus on the drug addicts and the drinkers of the world for just one day, would the thoughts pervade .... entwine and save one, one thousand... one thousand men women .... Americans, how many are dead across the world now, internal wars are big and small, yet each a significant statement, one line or a book, they both rage on, i rage on now... could write more, the paradox... the ying and yang, the ....
I have that on the list now to bring to Mom, one giant lobster for her birthday gift. So...in the midst of happiness is the opposite, the midst of despair, my son, lost cometh and goeth as he pleases, fights day and nights, waking to find him sleepin in the recliner chair, his gf stashed beside his bed, "Why wouldnt she sleep on the bed?" I asked. You sneak into the house, and sleep, "You think Im going to scream at you at 4 in the morning? She is not a dog sleeping on the floor!"
I've given you hundreds of dollars this year alone, I cant do it any more. I cant and I wont," I say it again and again.
The youngest boy says, "i can't live with you, with him here, fear."
I say, "dont go, and he is not living here, and why should i explain myself to you, and he isnt living here, and he isnt allowed to be here, he just comes here, we make him leave time and time again, ripping opened my guts on the floor, stepping on me, on them, on and on, over and over.
I am maintaining that all this is not going to kill me, or my spouse. however, it does make it easier to close our bedroom door and lock ourselves in and leave the world behind. It just does workfor a few hours, yet we do not sleep through the night, neither him nor i, we are plagued by reflux and leg cramps, and nightmares-- we keep trying though
.... this weekend, i finally have 2 days off...i will clean my porch, f will open the pool, and we will tender to our homestead as best as we can, weakened from the war ...
the world is at war .... with itself, nature ...killed by man, man killing man, children killing...child killing parents, killing family, it is a silent killer,
this country ...what does it stand for? what is man'kind's commitment to man. Men, Women our sons and daughters, nearly 1000 more dead in a year from the war, how many dead from the killer, heroin, what are the statistics... burn the field, shoot them dead, how many would there be, like vampires i once wrote, 6 years ago, and it continues, in to the night they draw blood, and leave behind someone broken or something broken into, stealing away, to ease their pain, that persists and grows with each waking moment, death just a knock, prison just an opening, and families, passing through invisible doors, never framed paths --- they never realized existed, the products of pain seeping through the flesh visible to doctors who treat them, knowing there is no end, only death, or a new beginning...
it is easier to take the same path, than to proceed on the new one
the old path is well worn, you know every corner, every rock, every stream to freshen up, every rain storm, and every hurricane,
the new path, is one taken slow, watching out for mines, you may lose a leg or an arm. you may lose the life you are trying to save.
is there any hope? the youngest son keeps his eyes opened at all times.
lying awake like waiting for the bomb to hit the house, there is not shelter here.
the war is taking its toll.
Thursday was the duo birthday, two oldest turning 29 and 26 respectively... but Friday was the youngest first prom of two scheduled... thursday... the birth date, i spent 8 hours at work, 6 hours shopping and 3 doing hair. Went to bed at 1, up at 4:30, dragged myself to my job, left at 11:30, shopped more, drove to the North End with all the necessary trimmings the youngest wanted, returned to the homestead to cook and clean and get ready for a birthday bash, small intimate, and without a doubt one of our best. Giant Lobsters... over 10 lbs ...a piece and what a feast... so was the joy, so was the passion, the pleasure, the release... but throughout the evening out side the door stood the oldest with his gf... in and out, oppression, for us, anger for him.
he was excluded, the child looking in, as in the story of the children from Weathering Heights...or the cat, left outside, while the dog is pampered inside the house, or even still, the poor boy lookin at a vision of how it could be if he were different... it was cruel, some would say how could you? but we did, and we had to, a lesson to teach...trying a new thing? Prayer, if the entire world were to focus on the drug addicts and the drinkers of the world for just one day, would the thoughts pervade .... entwine and save one, one thousand... one thousand men women .... Americans, how many are dead across the world now, internal wars are big and small, yet each a significant statement, one line or a book, they both rage on, i rage on now... could write more, the paradox... the ying and yang, the ....
I have that on the list now to bring to Mom, one giant lobster for her birthday gift. So...in the midst of happiness is the opposite, the midst of despair, my son, lost cometh and goeth as he pleases, fights day and nights, waking to find him sleepin in the recliner chair, his gf stashed beside his bed, "Why wouldnt she sleep on the bed?" I asked. You sneak into the house, and sleep, "You think Im going to scream at you at 4 in the morning? She is not a dog sleeping on the floor!"
I've given you hundreds of dollars this year alone, I cant do it any more. I cant and I wont," I say it again and again.
The youngest boy says, "i can't live with you, with him here, fear."
I say, "dont go, and he is not living here, and why should i explain myself to you, and he isnt living here, and he isnt allowed to be here, he just comes here, we make him leave time and time again, ripping opened my guts on the floor, stepping on me, on them, on and on, over and over.
I am maintaining that all this is not going to kill me, or my spouse. however, it does make it easier to close our bedroom door and lock ourselves in and leave the world behind. It just does workfor a few hours, yet we do not sleep through the night, neither him nor i, we are plagued by reflux and leg cramps, and nightmares-- we keep trying though
.... this weekend, i finally have 2 days off...i will clean my porch, f will open the pool, and we will tender to our homestead as best as we can, weakened from the war ...
the world is at war .... with itself, nature ...killed by man, man killing man, children killing...child killing parents, killing family, it is a silent killer,
this country ...what does it stand for? what is man'kind's commitment to man. Men, Women our sons and daughters, nearly 1000 more dead in a year from the war, how many dead from the killer, heroin, what are the statistics... burn the field, shoot them dead, how many would there be, like vampires i once wrote, 6 years ago, and it continues, in to the night they draw blood, and leave behind someone broken or something broken into, stealing away, to ease their pain, that persists and grows with each waking moment, death just a knock, prison just an opening, and families, passing through invisible doors, never framed paths --- they never realized existed, the products of pain seeping through the flesh visible to doctors who treat them, knowing there is no end, only death, or a new beginning...
it is easier to take the same path, than to proceed on the new one
the old path is well worn, you know every corner, every rock, every stream to freshen up, every rain storm, and every hurricane,
the new path, is one taken slow, watching out for mines, you may lose a leg or an arm. you may lose the life you are trying to save.
is there any hope? the youngest son keeps his eyes opened at all times.
lying awake like waiting for the bomb to hit the house, there is not shelter here.
the war is taking its toll.
Wednesday, May 16, 2007
pleasure
here is the Bubbins a super lad having fun at Great Grammy's at Christmas time
New York City I am an addicted and not ashamed to say it, tourist.
Where have I been?
It is a couple of months since I've stepped inside here. Too much stress going on. job home. i guess it is life. the surgery has worked out positive. so far so good. i didnt realize that it took me longer to recover than i thought, but that is ok...
more on the positive... my little vacation to NYC what a blast we had... If I can afford it we must do something similar every April vacation! whoopee... anyway i am going to try to post a few pics something else i havent done for a bit.
life takes hold of me, the rain comes down, the red soxs continue to give me joy, and all else is wonder... wonder why, wonder why not -- not much free time, not much energy... but lots of love, lots of joy, and lots of learning everyday. -- cant complain.
it is May 15th, my nephew's birthday, Happy Birthday ....
Soon school will be out, but things for me wont be that much different... my sister is coming up and i told my boss i need all my ns days in july...so i will let her know Wednesdays will be a visiting day for me. Vacation will be the usual week at hubby's birthday space. 55 ...wow
age: something that everyone on the outside sees but your insides dont
Sunday, March 25, 2007
Sunday
The cake is coming over today, we are going to see the Last Mimzy. I need a break. I am feeling ok, not the usual post op ... but swollen probably from all the iv fluids they pushed into me. arghh... just wish i could be normal back to the way things were 7years plus ago. .... frustrated with my own body, what could be worse. lots i suppose...
Friday, March 23, 2007
srr
after a horrendous week at work, i am out of there for approx 6 days...which will not be long enough. however... the surgery was a success or so it seems, although I don't remember saying anything to my dr or even seeing him after it was done.... it was done or so it seems as i had the worst pains i can ever remember and i said pain... and more than that i do think i was writhing for a bit and they put morphine in my iv... so that was that...except for the fact that I get nausea from the stuff, so ive been sick to my stomach for the rest of the day, never mind the dizziness because my blood pressure went down to 80 over 40 and they weren't going to let me go back home unless it rose...and it did to 100 over 48 ....and then they let me go home with the stipulation that i stay in bed and only get our to walk here or there so no emboli get me.
great now let us see what is going to happen...
r went to bw so i hope all else goes well... i am scared he is going to give up i am trying to have faith.
great now let us see what is going to happen...
r went to bw so i hope all else goes well... i am scared he is going to give up i am trying to have faith.
Sunday, March 18, 2007
scheduled
woke up at 5:30 tried to sleep but fumbled about doing nothing, went back to sleep, now it is 9:20 my body is stiff from too much bed time... yesterday went well considering the morning mess...flooding etc. Monday will be a disaster that is all I can say.
I do not have the bub today. oh well. the meatball was thrown out of the place i drove him to on thursday, i picked him and his companion up, that meatball is his twin, came from the same bowl of grounded up ingredients that i dont know who concocted... there was nothing i could do. they said they are turning themselves into bw on monday. let us see as i dont believe them very stressfilled week and i am glad it is over.
I do not have the bub today. oh well. the meatball was thrown out of the place i drove him to on thursday, i picked him and his companion up, that meatball is his twin, came from the same bowl of grounded up ingredients that i dont know who concocted... there was nothing i could do. they said they are turning themselves into bw on monday. let us see as i dont believe them very stressfilled week and i am glad it is over.
Saturday, March 17, 2007
dread
outside, it is light, but heavy,
snow, i hear your sister, rain hiding inside you
you are wonderful
what camouflage!
you look like fluff, but i know you are cement
please dont become slippery shoes
a miz, a mess, i dread the chore of cleaning you off--
snow
will be the wetness of my clothes
snow will guide the ride that will be like driving on
a skating rink.
everyone is talking about Easter, I just want to get through today and
next week
and be here convalescing.
snow, i hear your sister, rain hiding inside you
you are wonderful
what camouflage!
you look like fluff, but i know you are cement
please dont become slippery shoes
a miz, a mess, i dread the chore of cleaning you off--
snow
will be the wetness of my clothes
snow will guide the ride that will be like driving on
a skating rink.
everyone is talking about Easter, I just want to get through today and
next week
and be here convalescing.
Thursday, March 15, 2007
disconnected
it is my first day off not being a Sunday that I have the baby, and my peace was interrupted by the meatball. yes that is what i am going to call him, because it is just like that song, on top of spaghetti...covered with cheese, i lost my poor meatball because somebody sneezed...
the kid just doesnt get it. and i'm just done.
and over that too.
the kid just doesnt get it. and i'm just done.
and over that too.
Sunday, March 11, 2007
bliss
simplicity, yes i like it, as i like this morning, this daylight savings time' morning, all is at rest here. and i've found bliss
i am lacking something in my day to day, solitude,
the quest for being together and being alone does not balance...
it is nearly 8:15, everyone is still in bed, i have made coffee, and accessed the situation -- mail and laundry are out of control....
I will establish a mail basket, all mail must be placed into it.
I will establish another laundry rule, the same one I established 30 years ago, no laundry downstairs, but it doesnt hold true. What I need is a laundry room up stairs and that is not happening either. So ... rules to make and be broken no doubt by all the inhabitants of the household....and visitors too, but why would they even know the rules.
i am lacking something in my day to day, solitude,
the quest for being together and being alone does not balance...
it is nearly 8:15, everyone is still in bed, i have made coffee, and accessed the situation -- mail and laundry are out of control....
I will establish a mail basket, all mail must be placed into it.
I will establish another laundry rule, the same one I established 30 years ago, no laundry downstairs, but it doesnt hold true. What I need is a laundry room up stairs and that is not happening either. So ... rules to make and be broken no doubt by all the inhabitants of the household....and visitors too, but why would they even know the rules.
it feels good to sit and ramble without a watcher, someone who asks what are you doing
what are you writing,
yes i lack privacy because my office still has the Christmas stuff out of the closet and on the floor, and other various things people decided to "store" in my office, because if i am not home they can just store what ever they like there, because there is so much stuff who knows who put what in there...
i hear a thumping... not a loud thump, but one nonetheless...a door closing, must be the bathroom...soon my solitude will be interrupted... and then i will have to explain all these thoughts...or maybe i wont, for my morning is now planned out, and no one even knows that... yet...perhaps they have plans of their own... the bub is coming today..he is such a love! time, it is a burden if you watch it. let it go
Thursday, February 22, 2007
pinwheels
the pinwheels made of dough were left out on the window sill
the ice dripped from the gutter and they melted like
icicles in the heat from the sun
the pinwheel left out on the lawn through summer, fall, and winter
froze, then tipped, then disappeared,
into the trash it blew
the pinwheel inside the kaleidoscope was untouchable
but always changing, unlike the cookies, unlike the form,
into the tube it is, and stays
protected
unless someone was to break it, smash it
and then it would no longer be
i am a pinwheel.
the broken one, the smashed one, the melted one, the protected one,
the one thrown into the trash category
because, just because
sadness abounds me, tears don't stop falling
i am the wheel round and round pinned down
stuck and struck
happiness overrode by grief
sometimes i want to believe everything is the way it should be
but then sometimes reality checks me, that hip check or
knock upon my wooden door that says, you are so blind
and now that i have opened my eyes, i just know i believe things are the way they are because
they are, but i cant change them, well some of them
and it hurts.
then i realize that is why things are the way they are because I've put myself into that tube to be that pinwheel, that beautiful ever changing form of jewels or glass or paper that floats here and thither and yonder... so the pain that i am hiding from can't touch me, but it is not truth, because it is touching me and that is why i am there hiding from the reality
where is this taking me,
i don't really know.
i just know i cant fix things and make them right... i am not in control of the tube
it just ran out the door like the meatball
the ice dripped from the gutter and they melted like
icicles in the heat from the sun
the pinwheel left out on the lawn through summer, fall, and winter
froze, then tipped, then disappeared,
into the trash it blew
the pinwheel inside the kaleidoscope was untouchable
but always changing, unlike the cookies, unlike the form,
into the tube it is, and stays
protected
unless someone was to break it, smash it
and then it would no longer be
i am a pinwheel.
the broken one, the smashed one, the melted one, the protected one,
the one thrown into the trash category
because, just because
sadness abounds me, tears don't stop falling
i am the wheel round and round pinned down
stuck and struck
happiness overrode by grief
sometimes i want to believe everything is the way it should be
but then sometimes reality checks me, that hip check or
knock upon my wooden door that says, you are so blind
and now that i have opened my eyes, i just know i believe things are the way they are because
they are, but i cant change them, well some of them
and it hurts.
then i realize that is why things are the way they are because I've put myself into that tube to be that pinwheel, that beautiful ever changing form of jewels or glass or paper that floats here and thither and yonder... so the pain that i am hiding from can't touch me, but it is not truth, because it is touching me and that is why i am there hiding from the reality
where is this taking me,
i don't really know.
i just know i cant fix things and make them right... i am not in control of the tube
it just ran out the door like the meatball
Monday, February 19, 2007
not able to complete much
a lost week, snow, slush, ice, kids skating on ball fields, and my self just skating through life unable to keep up with things, i am really exhausted all the time. managed to make two nice dinners for the family, and have two mornings off, but tomorrow back to the grind. i have to think of a purpose here, perhaps plain poetry might be the best, it is nearly 10 pm, and my eyes are droppy. 4 will come soon and i will be off again. energy has to come from someplace, because i just dont have any. arghhh
Thursday, February 15, 2007
Valentines day.. and other stuff..
As I get older Valentines Day means a lot to me, it means a lot to me that I communicate with those people I love and care about just to say he or she is wonderful, this year I was a complete failure within my own standard. Time just got away from me, I worked way too late and didnt get home til it was too late to call anyone, and I just felt too tired to too. My job is taking it's toll on me, not having a day off in the middle of the week leaves only after work and Sunday to complete the chores that need to be done, and Im just exhausted from my own body failing me as of late. with this in my head it doesnt surprise me that i had a melt down today and just left work without all my work completed...something i never do, and on top of all that passed out after hitting my bed just 1 hour after being home. i need to call the dr in the morning with questions and see where this is all going... so that kind of sucks too... and then there is my boss who is being a complete jerk... just let me run my unit i want to say, but he likes drama... yes he does, right now i just want rest. a nice trip to the sun would help tremendously. Sat three people are off... who is closing...no answer...I dont think It is going to be me. It is ridiculous.... I am going to tell my boss that i need to extend my sick leave as things are not going as planned. waiting for a break that isnt happening... that is what it seems to be happening. arghhh..
Sunday, February 11, 2007
just thoughts
Sunday, a day of rest, not, a busy day, cant say im happy cant say im not
cant say much of anything it seems as of late
words are just complaints
and how i dont want to be woe be gone
i just keep going on.
the Bub came today, he is such a sweet sweet lad
his father on the other hand... dont even know what to say
how he could make the choices he makes i dont know.
It makes me sad....
My brother called, says everyone wants the party on Saturday... geesh ...
cant say much of anything it seems as of late
words are just complaints
and how i dont want to be woe be gone
i just keep going on.
the Bub came today, he is such a sweet sweet lad
his father on the other hand... dont even know what to say
how he could make the choices he makes i dont know.
It makes me sad....
My brother called, says everyone wants the party on Saturday... geesh ...
Sunday, February 04, 2007
too much
nearly a month has passed and i havent written, perhaps because i keep hoping for changes to occur, but not much has changed since the new year. my dysfunctional uterus is maintaining it's temper tantrum for what ever reason my body seems to be ignoring the medication the dr has given me and continues to be upset ... i am working 6 days a week and that is exhausting because i could really use some time to relax, now today i have sometime to relax and i am sort of, but of course i feel guilty because there is a zillion things i should be doing.
i am currently waiting for the hot water to replenish so that i can take a hot shower, instead of a luke warm one since both my teens decided to jump into the shower without asking me what my plans for the day were, are> plans for the day, I am not going to watch the superbowl, i am refusing to watch it, as a matter of fact i am beginning to think that football is fixed, and i am not at all happy with that thought at all.
yesterday was a wonderful day, Johnny made his First Penance and I got out of work early, so I could be there. It was over 2 hours long... much longer than my First Penance a trip to church in the middle of my catholic school day, and as regular as going home for lunch. The church is forever changing, as I heard my nephew made his Confirmation yesterday too. So there was a blessing there too. So congrat to them both.
On the other side of my life, i did get my promotion, and i did get a small raise, and now i am wondering if i am going to get my promotion raise, I have to wait and see this week as i've no form 50 to prove any of this.
Tomorrow is back to work as usual, and me, well, i just have to stop feeling sorry for my self, angry at the way things are, pissed off at the death of innocents, outraged at the acts of violence that seems to be overwhelming my city, and be greatful that i have a job, a wonderful husband even if he isnt perfect, and a good family, even though they are all driving me mad. Perhaps I am just snippy as I have no control over anything it seems lately arghhh... including the bubble that has decided to pop out of the wall of my tire. blah.
i am currently waiting for the hot water to replenish so that i can take a hot shower, instead of a luke warm one since both my teens decided to jump into the shower without asking me what my plans for the day were, are> plans for the day, I am not going to watch the superbowl, i am refusing to watch it, as a matter of fact i am beginning to think that football is fixed, and i am not at all happy with that thought at all.
yesterday was a wonderful day, Johnny made his First Penance and I got out of work early, so I could be there. It was over 2 hours long... much longer than my First Penance a trip to church in the middle of my catholic school day, and as regular as going home for lunch. The church is forever changing, as I heard my nephew made his Confirmation yesterday too. So there was a blessing there too. So congrat to them both.
On the other side of my life, i did get my promotion, and i did get a small raise, and now i am wondering if i am going to get my promotion raise, I have to wait and see this week as i've no form 50 to prove any of this.
Tomorrow is back to work as usual, and me, well, i just have to stop feeling sorry for my self, angry at the way things are, pissed off at the death of innocents, outraged at the acts of violence that seems to be overwhelming my city, and be greatful that i have a job, a wonderful husband even if he isnt perfect, and a good family, even though they are all driving me mad. Perhaps I am just snippy as I have no control over anything it seems lately arghhh... including the bubble that has decided to pop out of the wall of my tire. blah.
Sunday, December 31, 2006
New Year past present....on the verge of tomorrow
When my oldest were young, every New Year's Day, I would take the other cousins, and them out for the day; we went to Faneuil Hall, the Ice Sculptures, and a few other places, that was long ago. As my younger children got older I took my youngest to NYC on the Christmas Train---NYC became a tradition for 6 years, New Year's day became a quiet restful day after a two day jaunt .... But this year I couldn't find a decent hotel rate and was smart enough to say to the youngest, we will go for your birthday--- which is next month. I've found a great hotel rate, and also great theatre tickets and seats, plus taken a gift that was a non spoken gift and made it a gift so there ya go! saving. whoopptyde... I am looking forward to it all, i missed my excursion...
Beyond all this, I do not know what this year will bring, having achieved my promotion, I am at rest in the spire..... back to school, back to the lab, doing something creative would be great for my soul, but I have to work at myself and I think that will be my goal. With my nephew getting married in a year and 1/2 that is a good reason, besides turning a half century old, how can that possibly be... my breasts are saying --- there we go arghhh...
Having started on the treadmill, it feels good, now just to keep it up... I will, as I feel better already building up a sweat does something for me, now to not let life or laziness get in the way of health.
F wants a new tv for the bedroom. A wall tv because I always complain. I can't see the tv it is true, but it would be nice to cuddle up and watch something on a flat screen, so we might just spoil ourselves and do so. Ive measured by favorite painting and it is three feet by 43" on the diagonal... so that will be helpful when choosing size. transporting etc. that is another question. This just seems so frivolous will i forgive myself..?? i know i will be finding my children in my room... oh well...
2007 seven rhymes with heaven, heavenly, I hope so. Good by 2006, with nothing amiss....
I have a plan for my godson's bd... rock bottom for dinner, and a trip to the build a bear in dtb. it is just so much cooler than the plaza. Now I just have a few more bds to figure out and then I will be all set for a few months of r and r for myself...
Beyond all this, I do not know what this year will bring, having achieved my promotion, I am at rest in the spire..... back to school, back to the lab, doing something creative would be great for my soul, but I have to work at myself and I think that will be my goal. With my nephew getting married in a year and 1/2 that is a good reason, besides turning a half century old, how can that possibly be... my breasts are saying --- there we go arghhh...
Having started on the treadmill, it feels good, now just to keep it up... I will, as I feel better already building up a sweat does something for me, now to not let life or laziness get in the way of health.
F wants a new tv for the bedroom. A wall tv because I always complain. I can't see the tv it is true, but it would be nice to cuddle up and watch something on a flat screen, so we might just spoil ourselves and do so. Ive measured by favorite painting and it is three feet by 43" on the diagonal... so that will be helpful when choosing size. transporting etc. that is another question. This just seems so frivolous will i forgive myself..?? i know i will be finding my children in my room... oh well...
2007 seven rhymes with heaven, heavenly, I hope so. Good by 2006, with nothing amiss....
I have a plan for my godson's bd... rock bottom for dinner, and a trip to the build a bear in dtb. it is just so much cooler than the plaza. Now I just have a few more bds to figure out and then I will be all set for a few months of r and r for myself...
Saturday, December 30, 2006
vacation within
it is cold out side, i am lost in mystery, having 8 days off from the grind, what will i do with myself besides have a neat and tidy house for as many days, what a laugh, housekeeping is a job, curled up on the sofa blankets and tea, watching movies til my eyes cry, shopping for nothing online, shopping for some new house toy, dreaming of painting, redecorating, but not, exercise walk on the treadmill, stretch, drive children to their destinations and retreive them - husband asleep, will we drive each other mad, or maintain space easily, expectations change everything. what is mine? wow i am surprise to find so much time has gone by all ready.
Thursday, December 28, 2006
upgrading
i have up graded the blog, as probably most do, but i am a lazy reader here, not into finding out more about how it all works. for now things are as they are. I don't know what i am doing. tomorrow i will take off for the day and hope to have fun by myself. i dont know why but i am depressed. i am tired of stress.
wellness
i found this note i wrote to myself in January 22 of 2002, obviously it was a note to help me to continue with my studies and not deter from my goals, but it still rings true to this day for me--
wellness
wellnes is a state of being
physically and mentally equipped with the ability to cope with incapacity.
when you do not have the ability, stamina, to cope, you run to fantasy.
Fantasy makes what is unbearable bearable, but when your fantasy is something you can not make reality and you have strived beyond the fantasy and the reality, there goes the equipment to cope, to hold,
thereby this state of being creates an incapacity that can not be taken or understood as anything but grief.
Bereavment must take place for without it, the inability to cope will go on, insanity will remain.
Acceptance is a must, fill the void with what you are capable of doing and go from there.
Crushed dream, worked for, for so long, don't tell me it is okay, it is not, let me grieve for my desire, and let me say good bye, and then build something from the ashes of myself.
Where was I then? I was recovering from my surgery, stuggling everyday with the desire to go on to be well, to be myself, something i am now, but i am not, physically i lost strength, and power, mentally defeated, i carried on.... and now i am grateful i did not fall, but yes, i still look back and realize my physical incapacity is what killed my dream, the inability to work work and home, not enough strength in me. how wretched and cruel life can be, some day i will go back there, some day i will be doing it because i know i will
wellness
wellnes is a state of being
physically and mentally equipped with the ability to cope with incapacity.
when you do not have the ability, stamina, to cope, you run to fantasy.
Fantasy makes what is unbearable bearable, but when your fantasy is something you can not make reality and you have strived beyond the fantasy and the reality, there goes the equipment to cope, to hold,
thereby this state of being creates an incapacity that can not be taken or understood as anything but grief.
Bereavment must take place for without it, the inability to cope will go on, insanity will remain.
Acceptance is a must, fill the void with what you are capable of doing and go from there.
Crushed dream, worked for, for so long, don't tell me it is okay, it is not, let me grieve for my desire, and let me say good bye, and then build something from the ashes of myself.
Where was I then? I was recovering from my surgery, stuggling everyday with the desire to go on to be well, to be myself, something i am now, but i am not, physically i lost strength, and power, mentally defeated, i carried on.... and now i am grateful i did not fall, but yes, i still look back and realize my physical incapacity is what killed my dream, the inability to work work and home, not enough strength in me. how wretched and cruel life can be, some day i will go back there, some day i will be doing it because i know i will
Sunday, December 24, 2006
6:40 am
Ive been awake since 4, my usual body clock now, very very weird, but i can stay up late if i need to, it is the nap that is killing me, if i take one i end up sleeping ...all night. let me say i am tired and that is that.but this week was pretty good in some aspects and in others well i will learn to deal with them.
first of all i must truly believe that if a person wrongs another it will come back to that person and so be it. second, i must not let people get to my mind or my decision making. i have the ability, now i must keep it in my mind set.
third, just because i received my promotion, i will not change, i will be as i have been, diligent in learning.
fourth, today i will do what i can do and not be apologetic for what i cannot get done
five, i will forget about my job and enjoy my life
i will forgive and i will try to forget the angst i have been through, but i will keep the eyes in the back of my head open.
first of all i must truly believe that if a person wrongs another it will come back to that person and so be it. second, i must not let people get to my mind or my decision making. i have the ability, now i must keep it in my mind set.
third, just because i received my promotion, i will not change, i will be as i have been, diligent in learning.
fourth, today i will do what i can do and not be apologetic for what i cannot get done
five, i will forget about my job and enjoy my life
i will forgive and i will try to forget the angst i have been through, but i will keep the eyes in the back of my head open.
Thursday, December 21, 2006
Christmas
I think I had my Christmas today. Johnny came for the third day in a row. My daughter was her usually :mememe: self. arghh... .... My grandson however made today good...
I promised him yesterday that he could make a volcano. And today we did, and he learned to do it all by himself. Did he make a mess, well sort of, did he try to help clean it up, yes. Did he show his mother what he could do all by himself? yes, did she care, yes, but she was tired, and hungry, and it just sucks that i have to deal with her attitude. i just really dont need it. It is like i cant get tired, i cant not feel well. i am supposed to be invincible or something.
I promised him yesterday that he could make a volcano. And today we did, and he learned to do it all by himself. Did he make a mess, well sort of, did he try to help clean it up, yes. Did he show his mother what he could do all by himself? yes, did she care, yes, but she was tired, and hungry, and it just sucks that i have to deal with her attitude. i just really dont need it. It is like i cant get tired, i cant not feel well. i am supposed to be invincible or something.
Tuesday, December 19, 2006
laughin
I am lauging to myself this morning because if I really thought about all I have to do, I would be in bed from a severe stress attack. But things are coming together slowly. B asked me if I was working tomorrow, and no, I am not... tomorrow I am finishing all I have to do as far as gift and my menu and basic clearing and setting up... I didnt get some stuff done that I wanted but I can live with that.
My b day this year was one of the best and one of the worst at the same time. The reality of the son who is on the edge coming by and planting himself, haunting and taunting... could have ruined the day
the reality that the principal at BLA said to the youngest, you are hangin in where you are. You should stay there. was totally torture for the youngest, but true too. Her perception was right now if only the younger will believe in herself that would work.
the reality that the job was just not going to work out, well that rang true too... so vacation time will be used to have him sign up for school as he says he is ready now.
the reality that my grandson jc makes my day... is so true. all he wants is someone who gives him time....
today he is coming over after school again. we will take him to pick out a tree with his mother. and he will help us decorate ours. i am looking forward to this
i miss my baby grandson, i hope i get to see him soon. i cant talk to the otherones mother. she just doesnt get it. what an ass she is.
on a positive note, i did spend about 16 hours working on a poem ...that i sorta finished but let it be finished because it was comsuming all my energy and i really needed to get on with things. the best thing about it for me, is that i proved to myself that i can still do it, although it takes time, and quiet, something i have a lack of. alas... the feeling was still there...
there is nothing like writing for me,
the quiet, the tapping of the keys, the scratch of the pen on paper
the atmosphere here, but there, in that other side, that other divide where i go
i like it there, but if i stayed there i would get nothing done, i wonder sometimes if i will end up there.... that is why ive not written much, the void, it takes you in, and you dont want to come out... and i get so many disruptions... i feel good. and that is what counts.
My b day this year was one of the best and one of the worst at the same time. The reality of the son who is on the edge coming by and planting himself, haunting and taunting... could have ruined the day
the reality that the principal at BLA said to the youngest, you are hangin in where you are. You should stay there. was totally torture for the youngest, but true too. Her perception was right now if only the younger will believe in herself that would work.
the reality that the job was just not going to work out, well that rang true too... so vacation time will be used to have him sign up for school as he says he is ready now.
the reality that my grandson jc makes my day... is so true. all he wants is someone who gives him time....
today he is coming over after school again. we will take him to pick out a tree with his mother. and he will help us decorate ours. i am looking forward to this
i miss my baby grandson, i hope i get to see him soon. i cant talk to the otherones mother. she just doesnt get it. what an ass she is.
on a positive note, i did spend about 16 hours working on a poem ...that i sorta finished but let it be finished because it was comsuming all my energy and i really needed to get on with things. the best thing about it for me, is that i proved to myself that i can still do it, although it takes time, and quiet, something i have a lack of. alas... the feeling was still there...
there is nothing like writing for me,
the quiet, the tapping of the keys, the scratch of the pen on paper
the atmosphere here, but there, in that other side, that other divide where i go
i like it there, but if i stayed there i would get nothing done, i wonder sometimes if i will end up there.... that is why ive not written much, the void, it takes you in, and you dont want to come out... and i get so many disruptions... i feel good. and that is what counts.
Monday, December 04, 2006
tears that slip
my young son took a job, not a great job, just a job where he can earn money-- so he can have some money and his father and i wont have to keep giving him money... this taking of this simple job has made me happy, he is doing something... no not what i would like him to do, but something other than skateboarding...now he is a great skateboarder, and he would love to be sponsored, but that isnt an easy feat, like being a writer...you have to be discovered...hahaha...so he is a dreamer and and artist....that i can live with... he says he will go to college when he feels like doing the work, and well, i can agree with him there too. he has probably another 80 years to live so why rush responsiblity beyond the need....
my youngest daughter is doing ok too. she is finally adjusting to school even though she wants to transfer, and perhaps she will but she is adjusting and that is a start too.
what a rough september... just horrid....after we returned from our vacation...
so today ive had alot of tears that seem to ooze from my eyes, but not so much sadness, a touch of relief, a touch of worry, and a touch of life. that is what the tears are from...life keeps grabbing me and pinching me. and that is just how it is.
my youngest daughter is doing ok too. she is finally adjusting to school even though she wants to transfer, and perhaps she will but she is adjusting and that is a start too.
what a rough september... just horrid....after we returned from our vacation...
so today ive had alot of tears that seem to ooze from my eyes, but not so much sadness, a touch of relief, a touch of worry, and a touch of life. that is what the tears are from...life keeps grabbing me and pinching me. and that is just how it is.
Sunday, November 26, 2006
giving thanks
i give thanks for my children this Thanksgiving who helped me get everything ready and even helped to clean up.
i give thanks to God and the universe for looking over my son who is out of his mind, but not so out of his mind that he had my baby grandson come by.
i give thanks for being able to work, having a decent job, and also having money to pay my bills, and keep going on.
i give thanks that i can walk because 6 years ago i could not.
i give thanks for being me, and being strong, and having the strength to go on when all seems like what for.
i give thanks for my Johnny cake who gives me reason to smile, and laugh every day.
i give thanks to God and the universe for looking over my son who is out of his mind, but not so out of his mind that he had my baby grandson come by.
i give thanks for being able to work, having a decent job, and also having money to pay my bills, and keep going on.
i give thanks that i can walk because 6 years ago i could not.
i give thanks for being me, and being strong, and having the strength to go on when all seems like what for.
i give thanks for my Johnny cake who gives me reason to smile, and laugh every day.
Sunday, November 19, 2006
overdone
by far i am over done, over worked, over worried, over and over and over
it is an over world for me at this moment and there is no other word that is as fitting as the word over because over isnt over even when it is over
it is over... work, laundry....relationships, meetings, day, night, holiday, eclipse, test, dinner, of couse this over is different than the other variables that have to do with over
such as over there
over here
under and over
over and under
over such as on top of....
this i am not
i am not on top of my housework, my laundry, my kids, paying my bills, i am under-- overridden with the overs that i am suppose to have under control, or at least believing so.
it is obsurd that i can mail things on time, but then again if i stopped working then i would have plenty of time to take care of the things i am supposed to be taking care of. this wednesday johnny is coming over, i will try to call h. and see if she will bring the bub over, see there is over and over again. this will make me happy, also i will leave work at 3 pm monday and tues and take my ns off ... this is needed because i am over done....
and i dont want my turkey day to be over done because i could very easily become undone at this moment.
plus, a note to myself, you cant eat ff from mcd's it makes you sick! dont forget.
and to my sister whom i love, if she just happens to pop by,
i do not care if liberals or conservatives are bigger hypocrites... every individual suffers from hypocrazies...hahaha... at times. -- certainly i dont want to be pegged as either a liberal or a conservative, i just want to live!
it is an over world for me at this moment and there is no other word that is as fitting as the word over because over isnt over even when it is over
it is over... work, laundry....relationships, meetings, day, night, holiday, eclipse, test, dinner, of couse this over is different than the other variables that have to do with over
such as over there
over here
under and over
over and under
over such as on top of....
this i am not
i am not on top of my housework, my laundry, my kids, paying my bills, i am under-- overridden with the overs that i am suppose to have under control, or at least believing so.
it is obsurd that i can mail things on time, but then again if i stopped working then i would have plenty of time to take care of the things i am supposed to be taking care of. this wednesday johnny is coming over, i will try to call h. and see if she will bring the bub over, see there is over and over again. this will make me happy, also i will leave work at 3 pm monday and tues and take my ns off ... this is needed because i am over done....
and i dont want my turkey day to be over done because i could very easily become undone at this moment.
plus, a note to myself, you cant eat ff from mcd's it makes you sick! dont forget.
and to my sister whom i love, if she just happens to pop by,
i do not care if liberals or conservatives are bigger hypocrites... every individual suffers from hypocrazies...hahaha... at times. -- certainly i dont want to be pegged as either a liberal or a conservative, i just want to live!
Sunday, November 12, 2006
dreams
sometimes my dreams prepare me for my future, so last night I had the dream of searching for my son, here, there, everywhere I've known him to be, and nothing. So that says to me, that I dont really want to find him, because I dont want to know him right now. The reunion would be one of sword thrusting in .... and slowing being withdrawn... that is how it would be.
i finally told my mother that i wouldnt be going to the cape for turkey day, we will stay home and relax, i need more relaxation time fighting this bug doesnt help my energy level. she said, you know you have to live your life, and i have said that myself, but i have no energy for driving when i only have the one day off.... i dont know if f has more time or not, and he doesnt even know if he has the time either. i put in for time after xmas that i wasnt going to take, but i might take one less day, i cant decide. i am just really worn out i think and that is keeping me from doing other things. f has computer parts all over the place so i am trying to get his stuff together, it is a bit ridiculous as he should be doing it himself. work is okay, but friday bit as half the people didnt show up and well... that just makes it suck.
driving ro again, which isnt bad, but no more personal phone calls to friends and family ... she says she doesnt want to stay... so something might happen who knows.
i finally told my mother that i wouldnt be going to the cape for turkey day, we will stay home and relax, i need more relaxation time fighting this bug doesnt help my energy level. she said, you know you have to live your life, and i have said that myself, but i have no energy for driving when i only have the one day off.... i dont know if f has more time or not, and he doesnt even know if he has the time either. i put in for time after xmas that i wasnt going to take, but i might take one less day, i cant decide. i am just really worn out i think and that is keeping me from doing other things. f has computer parts all over the place so i am trying to get his stuff together, it is a bit ridiculous as he should be doing it himself. work is okay, but friday bit as half the people didnt show up and well... that just makes it suck.
driving ro again, which isnt bad, but no more personal phone calls to friends and family ... she says she doesnt want to stay... so something might happen who knows.
Wednesday, November 08, 2006
rain
I finally have my laptop back after months of being in disrepair. The keyboard is soft and nice, they changed the entire board, so that is good.
It is raining, F and I dropped off my car to see if they can finally fix it. I would like it to be finally fixed. I have also been looking at the chrysler milan v 6 ... I like it, it is more sensible than a mini, and 5 grand less. We shall see. Penny pinching is getting me down.
I am exhausted as my body is aching me. We ran about to a bunch of different shops but were unable to find what F was looking for. Figures.
I think Kristy Alley looks great. Kudos to her.
I hope something goes right today, as I cant stay in this funk much longer.
Thinking of going to NYC for the parade ..I know F wont go. I would just like to go once in my life time. oh well...
It is raining, F and I dropped off my car to see if they can finally fix it. I would like it to be finally fixed. I have also been looking at the chrysler milan v 6 ... I like it, it is more sensible than a mini, and 5 grand less. We shall see. Penny pinching is getting me down.
I am exhausted as my body is aching me. We ran about to a bunch of different shops but were unable to find what F was looking for. Figures.
I think Kristy Alley looks great. Kudos to her.
I hope something goes right today, as I cant stay in this funk much longer.
Thinking of going to NYC for the parade ..I know F wont go. I would just like to go once in my life time. oh well...
Tuesday, November 07, 2006
voting
tonight when i went to vote, i had a difficult time,
the font on the ballot was so small even with my glasses on I had to use a magnifier,
i was not NOT the only one,
even young people voting held their ballots close to their eyes to read....
complaints logged:
better lighting needed
more space, and more privacy, there was NONE
disgusting display in this tech age of cheap voting desks, and even cheaper money spent on what is purported as an inalienable right!!! shame on our state for allowing such cheap ness!
on the other hand my shoulder is still killing me,
havent heard from the son or anyone relative to the situation,
and i am glad i have tomorrow off...
laundry, and well lots of other chores await, but at least i dont have to run out the door at the younger is sick.
the font on the ballot was so small even with my glasses on I had to use a magnifier,
i was not NOT the only one,
even young people voting held their ballots close to their eyes to read....
complaints logged:
better lighting needed
more space, and more privacy, there was NONE
disgusting display in this tech age of cheap voting desks, and even cheaper money spent on what is purported as an inalienable right!!! shame on our state for allowing such cheap ness!
on the other hand my shoulder is still killing me,
havent heard from the son or anyone relative to the situation,
and i am glad i have tomorrow off...
laundry, and well lots of other chores await, but at least i dont have to run out the door at the younger is sick.
sleeping on shoulder
woke at 2 am shoulder sore, unable to move
frozen by the weight of my own self
i know i passed out earlier
the stress makes me sleep
R's friend call, "Havent seen him all day"
I checked the caller ID, the friend called at 11 30 in the morning,
so there it is --- Is he dead? Hurt? Arrested?
My mother called to ask about Thanksgivng ... I have no plans. I dont even have a plan for ourselves. I dont tell her, why and what for... She says she loves me as she hangs up. I believe her, we just dont have the same plane, my plane never steers straight... it is constantly running into turbulence.... on the other hand, i dont know how my mother would handle it all, and why should she have to? when my brothers wanted to live a different life they removed themselves from her, and i see it now, years later how it is easier for her to not talk about it, or what ever it maybe.... and I am not that way, but I am, as I am doing it with my own daughter right now, not seeing i to i, it is her righteousness
I am supposed to attend a baby shower Sunday with the oldest, but I dont think Ill go to that either. I am pissed, my youngest is never invited, the oldest one says, but she, they dont know her, but the man is her god father.... I dont blame her for feeling forgotten. I can send a gift and keep my time for myself --- snob..maybe ...but no...just relative to where i am right now...
Cant even talk about it with people I know, because regardless of their ... sympathy, or support it doesnt help. The weight is there, my shoulder hurts when I move it, but not when I touch it, a sign of weight not injury.
and that is the point...
this weight can not be seen by those that do not know
this weight can not be felt by those who do
everything else is connected to the weight
all perspective is made upon bearing of the weight
and all decisions too.
the weight upon my shoulder is the not knowing
the pain is true, real, physical
anger sits there too
as does frustration, and the knowledge of
the relativity of truth
the weight, i refuse to let it own me
but it is chewing away at me,
i run, but it wont let up,
the disease has taken over
thought that is all i can do
i wonder, if one day I will not be able to get
out of bed, and go to work, and do my job because
they know nothing of what I am going through, it is like a safe
haven. To go there, is peaceful, and then to have someone yell in my face
and point a finger at me, I feel like saying to him, what is your problem
you think your finger shaking and voice mean a thing to me, you are nothing --
i have the strength of a Spartan when it comes to you, you have no idea of the weight I already carry, you are only a feather to me. It is odd... they say I have the toughest job in the office, the truth is it isnt, because if I am not there, someone else will be, and well, all that is not relative to my life, only this weight that i carry, that is killing me.
frozen by the weight of my own self
i know i passed out earlier
the stress makes me sleep
R's friend call, "Havent seen him all day"
I checked the caller ID, the friend called at 11 30 in the morning,
so there it is --- Is he dead? Hurt? Arrested?
My mother called to ask about Thanksgivng ... I have no plans. I dont even have a plan for ourselves. I dont tell her, why and what for... She says she loves me as she hangs up. I believe her, we just dont have the same plane, my plane never steers straight... it is constantly running into turbulence.... on the other hand, i dont know how my mother would handle it all, and why should she have to? when my brothers wanted to live a different life they removed themselves from her, and i see it now, years later how it is easier for her to not talk about it, or what ever it maybe.... and I am not that way, but I am, as I am doing it with my own daughter right now, not seeing i to i, it is her righteousness
I am supposed to attend a baby shower Sunday with the oldest, but I dont think Ill go to that either. I am pissed, my youngest is never invited, the oldest one says, but she, they dont know her, but the man is her god father.... I dont blame her for feeling forgotten. I can send a gift and keep my time for myself --- snob..maybe ...but no...just relative to where i am right now...
Cant even talk about it with people I know, because regardless of their ... sympathy, or support it doesnt help. The weight is there, my shoulder hurts when I move it, but not when I touch it, a sign of weight not injury.
and that is the point...
this weight can not be seen by those that do not know
this weight can not be felt by those who do
everything else is connected to the weight
all perspective is made upon bearing of the weight
and all decisions too.
the weight upon my shoulder is the not knowing
the pain is true, real, physical
anger sits there too
as does frustration, and the knowledge of
the relativity of truth
the weight, i refuse to let it own me
but it is chewing away at me,
i run, but it wont let up,
the disease has taken over
thought that is all i can do
i wonder, if one day I will not be able to get
out of bed, and go to work, and do my job because
they know nothing of what I am going through, it is like a safe
haven. To go there, is peaceful, and then to have someone yell in my face
and point a finger at me, I feel like saying to him, what is your problem
you think your finger shaking and voice mean a thing to me, you are nothing --
i have the strength of a Spartan when it comes to you, you have no idea of the weight I already carry, you are only a feather to me. It is odd... they say I have the toughest job in the office, the truth is it isnt, because if I am not there, someone else will be, and well, all that is not relative to my life, only this weight that i carry, that is killing me.
Sunday, November 05, 2006
stress = sleep
too much stress has me exhausted. I need to find some energy somewhere -- today I will not run away but deal with what i must. would much rather run, but the problems will still be here, so i am no. ... bring me the chair
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