Knitting

Knitting

About a year ago, maybe longer, no one really knows when it started, my mother, the mother of 7 children, an invincible woman, developed a diabetic ulcer, better known as a hole in her skin that went straight to her ankle bone. Osteomyolitis is the technical term.
For nearly a year, minus the time Mom spent in Arizona with my younger sister, Joan, --- my older sister, Jeanne, took Mom to the wound clinic.
My younger sister, Joan helped her through a skin graft while she was in Arizona--that did not work, and finally Mom decided--- after visiting a Dr. suggested by my brother James, at another hospital --- Surgery was the only answer.
Her regular wound care Doc was chosen to do the surgery.
Dr Shaun, ---- I’ll just call him that because he is Polish, like my mother, ----
And his name does not at all spell the way you say it, -----
Dr Shaun has my mother’s faith and trust, as I said, he is Polish and Dr. Shaun is put above the rest.
On August 13th my mother entered the CC hospital, had the surgery, was put on insulin because her diabetes went wild and her kidneys gave her a run for her wellness… She stayed in the hospital an extra day until they felt she was well enough to go to a nursing home, The Royal Arms, I’ll call it. She wanted to go there because she thought she could go to church every morning as it is right beside a church, but… that did not happen.
As it went, Mom was remanded to the nursing home in a wheelchair for quite sometime as Dr Shaun did not want her walking on her leg until the incision was clean. Finally nearly a month later, September 15th arrived and the incision was clean, Mom could go home, but she was to see Dr Shaun the next day.
My sister Jeanne took Mom to the Drs. And it was not a very good appointment. Mom still had some stitches and a section of the foot had opened. Bad news. She was required to stay off the foot and have a baby sitter: Mom’s definition: one who would be there to keep her from doing what she wanted to do.
I worked that day, went home, and did a few things about the house, and drove to the cape. My sister Jeanne was still there waiting. Mom was on the sofa knitting. We chatted a bit. Then Jeanne went home….. The first few days of caring for Mom was getting to know her, what she wanted, when she wanted, how she liked things, hot, cold, size, softness, times…..I asked lots of questions and Mom was ok, not unhappy, being home was wonderful for her, but I could see in her face an apprehension about the foot, and how long and tiresome this procedure had become. This hole had taken her life as she knew it and she wondered if she would ever recover. When I helped her to bed that night she said, “I wish I wasn’t such a pain.”
“You’re not a pain, and you never have been,” was my reply.
My mother has never been a pain. She is the most independent, progressive person I’ve known in my life. This statement broke my heart. I could feel myself welling with tears, but I wasn’t going to cry. I was there to help her get better, get stronger, and that was what I was going to do. And that Feisty hole was not going to win---I said to myself.
The next day, Mom was knitting a very special blanket for her granddaughter, my niece, Marie;
I took up a knitting book and searched for something easy I could possibly make. I found a Baba Doll, similar to the nesting dolls we have in our homes. Mom helped me find some yarn in her yards and yards of remnants and off I went… needles in hands, and started this doll….. I tore it out a few times, but finally she was complete….with the help of Mom’s coaching, she didn’t come out too bad.

Saturday, my brother John and his wife, Patrice were down the cape. Mom insisted that I go home. I left in the late morning. I went home, cleaned about the house, did laundry, ironed, shopped for food, picked up my youngest grandson, and returned to Mom’s the next day.
My daughter Stephanie came to the cape house to pick up my grandson with her son. The two grandchildren picked out knitted toys they wanted me to make. Lil Ricky said he wanted an Elephant then he changed his mind to an alligator, but he still wanted the elephant. I could just tell. Johnny wanted a chick, but the chick he picked was more like a ball not a knitted one. So the elephant was begun, and the Chick was put on the list.
I had work to do; Mom was still working on the blanket for Lil Marie.

Tuesday came and the visiting nurse, Ken, like Barbie’s Ken, came to the house.
When I saw the foot ---Questions came out of my mouth --- What are those black spots, can I massage it? What should I be doing? The nurse said stitches, and he thought I could massage it, but… I was nervous and decided to wait until we visited the Drs the next day.
And although that baby Elephant required knitting with 4 needles, I did not say I am not going to do this, I took up the needles and began….
The ride to the wound clinic was enlightening. In all the years I’ve been going to the cape I’d never driven to Sandwich through the roads we took, plus route 28 where I rode my bike for a few summers long…. Was totally changed. I was sad and awakened --- the cape as I knew it had changed. Had it been that long since I was down there--- traveling these roads -- yet yesterday’s memories are as strong as the days they were made --- my heart ached and I felt a knot twist in my mind and my heart because of the years that had passed. It was almost 33 years since the date my husband and I married. When we were first married we went to the cape quite often, but as our family grew we traveled there less, with work and a house full… there just wasn’t as much time… and suddenly it was 33 years later from then…
Mom was early to the drs and we waited. The patients at the clinic were different than her but the same. Special shoes, special dressings, wheelchairs, canes ---
The chairs in the exam rooms are similar to the ones at the dentist offices, large cushiony with the ability to go up and down, and side to side. No spit sink though which was good. The nurses were happy to see my mom, and when they took her bandage off,
I asked immediately, “What are those black things? Can I massage her foot? How does it look?” And I took out my camera and took pictures. The Feisty Foot was not the prettiest picture, but Mom said she couldn’t really see it, so I wanted to show it to her, and I ended up sharing the photos with all my brothers and sisters, why not? I would want to see.
Dr Shaun came in, Mom introduced me, as he poked and prodded at her foot. Mom didn’t wince too much. She did ask, “Do I still need a baby sitter.” To which Dr. Shaun replied, “Yes.”
I asked for a couple of stockinets so we could change the one she had, and they were supplied. “Next week.” said the Doc. “No Changes for the nurse, No PT.”
Mom insisted on going to Roche Brothers and then we went home. I read over the paper. “No standing on right leg” Keep up at least 30 minutes 5 times a day. No changes to visiting nurse, no pt.
Mom said, “If I don’t do stuff I am going to lose my ability to do stuff.” I said to Mom, “If you do not stay off that foot it is not going to heal. This is the time, not next week or the week after. You are just going to have to put up with me doing stuff for you and stay off the foot.”
Mom wasn’t happy but I was not going to just let her do what ever she wanted. That night I didn’t insist on massaging her foot. But I was going to start, and she was going to have to tolerate me taking care of her.
We knitted and talked and watched TV. My husband came down and we celebrated our anniversary. We took Mom to Job Lot where she strolled off with a carriage. My heart was pounding. We were only supposed to be looking at yarn. What if someone bops that leg? Arghhhhhhhh
After Job Lot Mom allowed us to drop her at home while my husband and I finished the shopping for lunch. Eyeyeye.
Well, later that afternoon, Mom threw me out. “Go home, John will be here.”
And so I went. I went home to cook and clean and shop and take the baby out… And then I returned to Mom and the baby Elephant that was giving me plenty of problems. I massaged Mom’s foot every night starting with it cold and white ending when it turned warm and just pink…
Tuesday, Mom baked while sitting in a chair, I was the assistant, just the lumper carrying things to the table and sink and stove and back again. Mom was happy.
The next day we went to the Drs. Mom brought some brownies with her and she was taken in right away. The girls were singing and giggling and giving Mom hugs. When they took the bandage off, I looked at it and I thought the hole was closed. But one nurse said to the other, “I’m going in.” I held my breath as they took a Qtip to the wound. “2cm,” she called out. I was disappointed. I really wanted that hole to be gone. But Mom took out her list, “copper bottom socks, (I still have to get her some), have you heard of them, can I wear them? Can I go to the heart Drs Appts? Can I get a flu shot, can I? DO I Still need a BABYSITTER?”
Dr. Shaun turned and looked right at me, “Yes, she does too much.”

I asked for some more stockinet and home we went. Mom was happy it had closed from 4 cm to 2 cm. But she still needed a baby sitter. My brother Kenney was next on the list.
Thursday, Mom and I searched the internet for patterns. We found a great one for a little chick and a cat for her to make Little Alan my nephew, her grandson. And I finally finished the baby Elephant that night as she slept.
Friday, I packed up my stuff, washed all the laundry and started the baby Chick. The chick’s math was incorrect. Mom helped me to figure it out. I worked on it, did more laundry and linens, and the day grew into the afternoon. Mom never asked what time I was leaving like every other time. This time she took the day as it was. At 3:30 I said I was going to massage her foot one last time and then I was going to go. All the linens were changed; I was all packed up….
I massaged her foot and we were quiet. I gave her a kiss and told her I was going to miss her and I left. Tears streamed down my cheek as I drove away. She couldn’t wave good bye at the door like she always did before the feisty hole.
It was as hard to leave her as it was to leave my baby daughter in the hospital when she was born and go home. I knew she was on the mend though, and I took the knitting I was working on with me.



My brother Kenny took over where I left off. He massaged Mom’s foot and cooked for her and took her shopping, and did just what she needed. He even fixed the drawer that I couldn’t figure out how it was broken.
Best of all ---- He took her to her visit with Dr Shaun. Mom brought brownies for the nurses and a hat she knitted for Dr. Shaun. Dr Shaun said he would wear it as he was going to Vermont. And with Kenny there, Dr. Shaun told Mom that she didn’t need a babysitter any more.
Today, just a few days later, I visited Mom with my oldest grandson in tow. Her foot looks great. She was baking on her own and she had her foot in its protective sponge and she was keeping it up.
I gave the feisty foot a great massage…. And Mom gave me her secret hat pattern…. as it happened that yesterday Little Ricky said to me, “Can’t you knit me a hat, right now? Before I go home. And I laughed, “I am no way near that fast.”
Today lucky us---- Johnny and I both got new knitted hats made the Grammy way.
Johnny’s is green and mine is blue. His goes perfect with his jacket and mine goes perfect with my postal sweatshirt. I heard my brother John got one too.
I am working on a hat now for Lil Ricky…
10/12/2009

sept

i am tired it has been a long and busy day.. i was knitting hshs...i am the slowest knitter on the planet...but Mom enjoyed helping me with my questions and mistakes. I was always the seamstress so to speak much better at sewing than knitting but if this little doll comes out ok i will make some more. havent started reading have just been busy making sure Mom does not walk on her foot. Ive caught her a few times...ugh...typical... guess i should get to bed.

it is so dark down here i wonder if stars are in the sky.

eight years ago

found poem

undate poem When did I write this?


Wonder

Like water waiting to touch the earth
like the earth waiting to drink the water
like roots digging
it is wonder
How does she know?

like the fence sagging longing to be streched
like a wilted flower longing to be pinched
like a puppy waiting for a pat

It is me, now longing,
feel something
energy take me -lead me
like water through a spigot
sucked through a straw
string hoping to be wound
fruit on the bottom waiting to be stirred

pain-full, yet peace-full
peace-full, yet pain-full
fear to leap,
Will I fall
I wait
I long for
and I wonder

How long?

route

yesterday i traveled old and new... old to visit my mom... her leg - the ankle looks pretty good, but there is that one -- 1/2 inch that is still oozing something... I am praying that it heals...please let this happen for my mom's health and well being...

Lil Ricky and I got stuck in a traffic jam rolling 10 mile an hour can be long and tedious, the little one managed ... he played with the two toys...a little man and an airplane I had in the car... and we finally made it, downtown Falmouth was bursting with tourists, so different from the last time I visited.... this is / was labor day weekend... and I felt so sad, no weekend on the cape for me this year, only one trip to the beach arghhh....so frustrating as I love the sand and surf....

on the way to visit his father we got lost and i ended up on route 44... who ever knew it existed...well i did know it existed but i never traveled it before for the hour i was lost....i dont want to live in burbia that is all i know...too creepy for me... lost and no way out....so that was new, but i finally found my way to the Forest and it was beautiful. Lil Ricky loved the roller coaster road and we saw wild turkeys and it was just so wonderful. He got scared as the night came down though.... dark as the woods can be we left with the high beams on and in my mind i thought of all the scary dark movies i love to watch and said to myself...no wonder.. however from the winding road to the roller coaster road Ricky wheeed and whoa'd and the made the ride all the better. He was a happy boy all the way home... and he was glad to get there because he is at an anxious age...worried about his Nana and Papa going away....


I am trying to get Fred to get his passport..when is mine coming ---i am wondering soon i hope...and then we are going on a trip wether he wants to or not ... his friends at work are telling him to wait...they offered the clerks 15 grand... they are saying the supervisors are next... I dont know if he will wait... He is tired... knowing the post office I am sure they are waiting to see how many clerks and mailhandlers take the offer... it isnt that much but it is more than before....twelve years ---how long i have to work and maybe if my health straightens out i will work even longer who knows...if the post office survives... im not working at anything else right now and that is bad bad bad.... i might have my son pull my tarot drawings out of the attic and paint them that would be a project worth doing. soon the fall will draw in...everything will need to be covered and put away... the pool will be closed, the sunbrella table cloth washed and dried..wow that thing really did work... Today --- I will do the yard and work about here...

Our anniversary is coming... cant believe it is 33 years... where did that time go....it just doesnt seem possible...

the only thing on my mind is Mom getting better and she needs a podiatrist

feeling the sorrow

For a time now I've known that I am sensitized to what is known as the collective conscious...and i completely believe in it especially over the last couple of days with the passing of Ted Kennedy. The air is thick here with grief and reminisce. My neighborhood mourns his loss...

People criticize and with every right, however in my life time, and through personal experience, I know that when you called Ted's office they assisted you, he assisted them, and well, I have a few letters myself signed by Ted and I cherish them. I thanked him then, and I thank him now for choosing to be the man he became, and helping so many people like me, or not like me, it doesn't really matter who or what but it matters to me, that for whatever reason he helped, he helped. He was perhaps the Lion in the Senate as the news is tooting him, but he was more the Godfather of Massachusetts in more ways then words.

God Bless Ted. He will be sorely missed. God Bless his family and may they continue to think of others as they do. There is no perfect person, nor perfect family, but living is not about being perfect, living is about learning, giving, laughter, joy, and well for me it is about creativity too... And although I can't be too creative here as my heart is pounding and my eyes are watering and my head just feels like it is in the clouds somewhere, i can't sleep, my legs are restless, and i am warm all over from the feelings of the caring and the grief.

Ted, he had a good life, a full life, he overcame and he was overcome--- he survived and truly, oh so truly, there is no one that I know of that can compare to the action that he instill others to take. There is no one that I know of that taught others --- young people working for him in his office --- how to wield his name. Ted again, thank you.

just stuff

The Di is off to college...wow what a change, the house is quiet and not so crazy, less milk and food being bought and devoured.... but she will return for only a few days before the real deal begins. I am glad she had this experience, certainly she can decide that she might like to live on campus... but let's see how all else goes...she has a hectic schedule ahead of her, `18 credits..and she's going in with 11 almost a complete semester...she'll rate sophomore status before her time... I am sooo happy she is happy. That is what really matters.

I've misplaced some papers and have been in a funk since. I keep praying to find them. Today s--d at work...didnt get out until 1 becasue of all the bs and I have to finish my valentines...not a good time to have my truck driver on hiatus... enough...joined facebook..it can be fun but also time consumming...

having a difficult time on my diet ...need to go back to the gym which i think i will tomorrow... I definitely need exercise and my knee is feeling pretty good after the last shot...\knock on wood...except when i am sleeping ....then my legs just hurt and that sucks. oh well going for a swim enjoying it while i have it. anxious about my drs appt next week...will probably be on edge until them oh well...

The FW project

Well here it is, the hubby working on a project.
We've been on vacation all week, of course it kills me to sit around and I rarely do.... I've been battling a nasty sinus bug but I still keep going. In the spring I tried to convince the Boss that we should purchase patio furniture... and it rained and rained ...time passed...and we didn't... and then a piece of the ole picnic table clunked on the deck one evening.

"I suppose we need a new table," F said.
"You suppose?" I laughed. We had a long discussion about patio furniture.
1. cost... set would run 6 - 800 .... not a great idea with the college bills facing us.... frivolous...
2. storage, it would have to be stored in the basement, Don't we store enough with the pool stuff... or covered, and the covered furniture takes a beating in a bad winter...
3. the picnic table, sensible.... My mother in law bought us two tables before she passed away... we had a lot of company that summer and we needed the two tables. They were on sale for 35 bucks a piece, they were made completely of 2x4's. They were regular wood, I stained them, and then I painted them. One lasted 8 years, and this year, 11 years later the second one is going out....so...
4. Called the Mill Store, an 8 footer--- tooo big.... the hexagon one I really wanted... all sold out or already weathered without a discount and 164 bucks..not bad really.
5. We shopped on line, picnic table schmatics..... found numerous for free...
the easiest, one day plan... the old fashioned table...
prices out at 93 bucks... and a day of work...
6. We agreed this was the most sensible plan.
7. We went to home depot, 93. 58 cents which included purchasing two 3/8 inch drill bits, that we didnt really need, but we put the stuff in my awesome little Honda Accord with the back seat that fold down, and
Here is the final project.
Complete with waterproof stain etc. I love it. Thank you F.

what i have done on vacation....

I have not had much of a vacation... the first few days were spent on the refi of the house to have money to pay for college for d and get our bathroom and basement rehabed... so that is good, but...work...all left to me because hubby doesn't want to know or care... he just wants to retire and this way he can, all our bills will be paid and the new mortgage hopefully it will come through will be paid off in 12 years with the plan...of course i know all things dont always go well but that will be fine, just in time for me to be able to retire. Fred is going to retire in December and well I hope it is every thing he wants it to be, I will be working for another 12 years or at least i hope the post office doesnt go under... arghhh...what a thought. anyway...we shall survive i guess...

so, i finished the front of the house, no rain so i could paint and stain, it really looks so nice out there now, -- i planted a morning glory sunflower circle and the sunflowers are starting to rise --- and the morning glories open up underneath them in the morning, i have to say that is a pretty sight to me.... if i catch one youngin smokin and leaving ash and butts that youngin will be grown a few gray hairs--- what else, we have replaced some of the boards on the deck and will probably replace a few more, fixed the driveway up, bought a shop vac and vac'd the basement, reorg'd my office and the upstairs room which is now a storage room that has belonging of persons who do not live here but leave stuff all the time...oh i painted the downstairs foyer and washed all the wood work... so i have a few projects left, like doing over di's room when she is in school for two weeks, but i dont know if i will be able to do it, im gonna try though...on top of all that my dr made me schedule a preop appt for next tuesday --- so i guess the surgery is inevitable, i am not keen on having my belly cut open with this psoriasis -- so we are going to talk more about it when i see her.looks like ill be getting another couple of weeks off... whooptdo...this vacation has not been much of a vacation but it will be good to have things done the way i want them to be done when i am home recovering from my inners being taken out. ugh... who needs to be carrying around a softball inside of oneself?

vacation and sickness

have acquired a cold that will not let go... started last Saturday, today is Wednesday, going to try to work it out of me. Doing work on the house and have to get Dianna settled. My nerves are shot.

Brain dead

How I could put the coffee maker on and forget to put the carafe in is beyond me? results: coffee all over the counter and floor.... and I didnt even realize it was happenning because I am too busy goofing off on the computer

Fred is 57 today, I just can not believe it. I have to go shopping, pick up the Bub, make his diet coke chocolate cake, I dont know how he is going to like that one, but I will try it.... The decision on dinner is the baked stuffed chicken but I will make the stuffing with whole wheat bread and he will have to tone his serving size a bit, but I think it will surfice.

Went to Foxwoods with Steph yesterday, it was a good day except for my "female problem" that decided to visit... arghh... I have to go to Newton Wellesly at some point today and talk to my dr. But.... maybe I can get away with sometime, I just dont feel right.

Anyway, we did not win any moola, but we had some nice chat for the most part -- but I do hate it when daughters think they know it all and know you sooooo well...lol...grown children teach you how to be more patient then ever.

How, you learn to keep your mouth shut because it just isnt worth it, and then pray they go away at times.

July 29th

Fuuny how looking at old pictures can really zap my memories... all god and wonderful things... and how sad I am about R right noe... I have to stay out of that zone or I just dont know if i can handle that spot...

di and me

Went on the college get ready for trip.... here we are in our usual headshots

ugh

went to the hospital with f today... he is so spoiled and he showed it at the appt. and he said to the nutritionist, you dont look it, talking about age...and i said to him later, you dont think she looks in her 50's and he said, i was just being polite. omg...me are such smoozers...blah!!!

to my kids chargin i joined facebook... it is kinda fun and i can see how people get addicted to it. steph is a riot... and di is mad because she said i bitched at her..."YOu shouldnt be my friend" So i said ok take me out.... i dont know what is happening.... but it is oh well

my car is still broken after f picked it up... depressing to say the least...well i best do laundry or ill have nothing to wear tomorrow. blah blah blah...this is life...boring

pics for June 09

pics to go with previous post....

I miss the old word program to up load pics and text... here are my favorite photos from June, the kids are growing and i remember the days when i was their ages...how significant is that?

pictures of June

I miss being able to upload my word piece to the blogger... Unfortunately I have not spent the time figuring out many parts of this place... for now I will just post my pics here although they go with the post previous. It is July 12th, tomorrow my oldest brother will turn 61. Wow, life just goes by. When I look at him I still see him coming in the door after being away in Vietnam, his blonde mustache not visable in the black and white photos he sent. His gentle relaxed personality, hardworking and willing to do for others, that is my brother.


anyway here are some of my favorite pics from last month.

This past June was perhaps one of the busiest we’ve had in the homestead for a few years. Yes, there have been graduations, birthdays, weddings, and other festivities that we have journeyed to and hosted, but this year, we had a party for The Lady D, who was long ago a lady before the Lady Gaga.
Di or The Doll as her Dad calls her, the youngest of 4, graduated high school and not just any high school,--
BLS high school, which exemplifies the pinnacle of success, --- \
BLS was the first public school in America-- its standards are above the norm; every course is viewed as an advanced class, or honors class, which of course leads to expectations and rewards that are top notch and exceed the average. These students are told from day one that they are the brightest of the bright of Boston, and they are future leaders of the world.
The graduates were reminded at the celebration that a prerequisite to graduation is the giving of service to the community. And with graduation, they are expected to continue to give, volunteer, or work, in the small communities of this city, or in the large community of the world through social, political, scientific, and other types of service. My hope is that they listened and learned and will continue to do as their advisors suggested for there are far too many people in this world who are in need and other who are devoted to only themselves.


This graduation was a great celebration for her and also for her father and me --- although she said so in the planning, “This party isn’t for me, it is for you,” when I rejected fried plantains and salmon she requested on the menu. She did get her macaroni and cheese, colossal grilled shrimp, and everything vegetarian with the exception of meatballs and lunch meats for us carnivores.
She was right though, yes, the party was in celebration of her success, but also in relief ---the baby graduated and is moving onward to better things.

My husband and I grew up in different styles of family. My family, the parents stayed together and worked through hardships, both my parents attended college, and their children were expected to follow suit, go to school better themselves and be independent beings in this world. My mother volunteered, worked, and taught. She is an independent woman who expected and taught her children from the get go ----- you must work to achieve and I expect you to do so.

His family is the opposite of mine, his parents split after years of turmoil and only one brother in a family of 6 graduated high school. He grew up tough but with a sense of integrity that made him the man he is today. A hard worker who understands now the value of an education, but still, rejects the status quo pressures society places on everyone today.

We both believe that Drs and Educators place people in boxes and individuals can break out of those walls, but it isn’t easy to do so…. Those with money get more powerful, those who work hard without luck or spoon often can be overwhelmed by life itself. Living often times gives notices without reason…and believe me, we have gotten our share of those kinds of notices…yet we survive and continue to grow and change as the world is changing.

I don’t know how my parents would have handled lazy children or obstinate older adults such as the world is creating today, and --- I say the world because entitled young adults seem to be everywhere, not just in my family, but numerous families that I know. Young adults expect their parents to help out. These upstarts should not have to ask, nor should they be made to feel guilty if they do so. Parents should willingly make allowance for their adult children and extend their pocket books whenever necessary. College tuitions, cars, car insurance, even cell phone use --- parents are obligated to support these luxuries, because they are necessities … or so it seems. And I must admit, I am guilty of over giving and capitulating to the “entitled.”

But to get on with it. June passed by quickly and a wonderful month it was… and here are the happenings that made it so wonder-full beyond the graduation even though it was the rainiest month on record since 1931 here are the days spent and the wonder of life so good.


This was the top to Lady Di’s Cake, and of course the bottom….


When all was said and done we had a great day and it was wonderful to have so many family member and friends who came to visit. Although it was Father’s Day and I miss my Dad still, I was reminded of him many times, we had two christenings on Father’s Day and my Dad never rejected attending although they were his special day. Also, my son kept saying, Aren’t we going to have manhattans? For which I supplied no booze. I couldn’t be tempted not for that day…. Both my sisters came and my sister in law Syb who is a dear sister to me too. I don’t know where’d I’d be sometimes with out these three wonderful vibrant women in my life. So many times it is just knowing that they are there by the phone to listen of course I have other friends and family but they are my mainstays for sure.

Another best of the day was my wonderful beautiful daughters --- What would I do without them I often think…. Each has her own personality and strengths but they are such beautiful people who wouldn’t be grateful to have them. I am eternally so.
Another best of June was my new walk way in the front of my house built by Mike after a vision or so my husband calls all the ideas that come into my mind and that are made into reality. I just love it. Thank you Mikey.
My mother came to my house for the graduation. She was happy and she said to me, She’d “forgotten how nice it was to be here. “ So that was a compliment to me.





Another little delight was our outing to www.spohrgardens.org-- check it out. A tiny place on Oyster Bay filled that could be called a Secret Garden. I love this picture of the kids, even though my nephew is nearly a teen his goofing around for this picture shows he has a sense of humor and it makes me smile.


I also took another picture of a bell. I love the big bells… perhaps I will go on an excursion to discover more… maybe I’ll just make a collection of them on paper…something to be creative with…and idea that just blossomed.



Bells chime, the phone rings, calling together you and me
Spring and Summer paths do cross Winter wonder and Fall not lost
I long to hear the ringing and singing of the bells tossed
Wind and Wonder, Cast and Caught
Bells twingling, bells sought
Bells for Angels no one is naught

July 9

Working on separating things previously saved. Found little note left to myself...

No Time or 15 Minutes

like seaweed left on the beach once free flowing ever changing as the tide comes in and goes out somehow my roots gave way and here i sit


I do not know what obscure moment of time this took place in or at...it was a thought some time ago I imagine, but i'm writing it down here now because i am throwing this slip of paper way.

June gone by

add a video hummm

This just cracks me up, I never noticed that I could upload a video... I am going to find one of my favorites and try it... It is not often in life that your kids do something by themselves and you get to spy on them, the grown children that is...One night Fred and I were some place I do not even know... sleeping or out or something and the kids the threesome as they are right now had a party of their own --- Just a dance party.... let me see if I can find it... all i know is that when I watched it I cried .... tears just because of the happiness... ...the youngest, not in the video, tape it...the older danced it... and ever time I watch it... I smile

june

Sacrifice isnt always giving yourself to the dragon...A sacrifice and be giving yourself to an Avatar --- for others to enjoy --- D' created of herself, very close to whom she can be sometimes, I found out today that she doesnt mind her own business, and the kids are getting older and boy are they making life interesting.

Today was a horrid day, while sorting out clothes in the back closet I suddenly thought, hummm the walk way has to go, so that with that, MM took the sledge hammer and away it went... then the trip to Lowe's and the decisions and the parade in between, St took the kids, thank goodness but I missed the fun with them, however the walk way was ever more pressing, and as Fred says, I start more projects and have more things going at once, yes yes I do, but it will get finished is my reply quicker... and i do manage to get things finished soooo ---hahah..stop me now --- dream on dream on... and how I wish I could but time is passing by and here I am at this computer instead of working within my plan.

Surprisingly enough the new medication seems to be helping my legs, I just hate the thought that i could be messing with my heart... oh well, if i cant walk what is the sense of beating about any way, my heart beating....and that is just how i feel --- if i cant keep going just put me in the ground --

Tomorrow D graduates and embarks on a new journey, just as Fred and I ....11 weeks non smoking ---- a reason for a big party..oh yes it is. Hooray for Fred!!

keep it going on.

The pool should be ready by weeks end, and then the fun begins, everything is moving along as planned.... Mom's b day is next Saturday... I wonder if I can get out of work early, oh well must remember to mail a card and something else if I can't...
cant wait til tomorrow...Yahoo Dianna!!!

My oh my

It is May 29th, the month is almost gone... I dont know where time has flown just that every day I am so busy I dont have any extra time. The mall closes now at 9 am which is just too early for me why does the world not have anything for night owls... Fred has quit smoking for 9 weeks now..it is awesome..no more stinky Papa and the savings is great....but the money seems to get soaked up by others at all times.... D is graduating the 8th and her party is Father's day, I have yet to get the invitations in the mail ...tonight tonight i say.... lethergic from leg pain --- I really need something to help with this crap...i will call the dr next week as she should be back from vacation. otherwise all is going well... quiet and i would just like some time off of work or to not have to work my ns days would be great... had a bad week for going to the gym, but i will get back to it tomorrow and try to get in the swing of things...

such is life... just bored i guess ....why cant i just relax...

living on the edge

a trip to washington with my grandson, and what a whirlwind tour we took

Tuesday

Who wants a ferret? I've never wanted a ferret but somehow we have one, a ferret obviously my daughter loves. He is stinky sometimes, and that I do not like at all, but all pets are stinky at times from my observations.... he is cute, special Ed they call him --- or sometimes just Eddie.

The child

My youngest daughter has always had insight, insight into some of the harsher realities of life, insight into what is going on, now she has been accepted into Wheelock College, the place she says she really wants to go. She has a good plan, a five year master's degree in child life she says... so I say go for it, where all the money is going to come from I do not know yet, but we will get there some how. I went to look for a picture of her to post, instead I found this picture by her, strong in truth and tone, she is a multitalented woman, and I hope she never stops being who she is, but if only she had the wisdom that comes with age, oh my, she will be someone who places a mark in the world, even if i do say so myself being her mother.

tuesday

it is a tuesday, now my day off and i am enjoying it immensly... i have time to myself, no pressure from others ...do this for me, do that for me.... this is nice, i could get used to this.

awake at 2 am....

My hands are rough, spending too much time doing dishes, in water, and too much paper work...so much to do as it is...
work is a big mess
yesterdays snow storm and lack of personnel did not help...so be it, i am glad to have today off let someone else deal with it....

i will go to the gym and enjoy myself if possible...it sucks getting older why oh why

over the bridge

the world became gray because the clouds would not let the sun in
rain poured upon the earth and the earth clammered go away
its frozen tundra pooled the water and the wind waved
the bridge wrapped in plastic

driving over it
the gray dank world turned opaque white
green girders stetched above and below arms carrying
lifting above
gated,

don't stop -- if you do you will be crushed by moving
metal and rubber and plastic
ships below wait to swollow you
above you the crunching goes on
breath in
reach for the exit,
the ground gray world waits
and welcomes you back again

Frebrewaire

So the world goes round and round, people that pay their bills will continue to pay the rest of the worlds debt -- it is disgusting let's face it, there is nothing fair about what is happening in the world, the stock market deflats every single day, companies are selling off merchandise and do not have the funds to make more, outsourcing has taken jobs away from our own country and kids today cant even find jobs at mickeyd's --- dunkins here and there. so many people i know are working two jobs ....they are burnt out... and i am only burnt out from the one job where my boss is expecting me to do two jobs without saying so....

as it is....

took the Bub to see his Dad, what a sad day, he was happy, but it was weird and it must seem weird to the baby, Who sees someone through glass except grandparents visiting the new baby in the nursery. It just sucked. My son is depressed and he looks it, his tshirt was not iron and it hung off him, his face was not broken out which is good, but it was the same routine. I said, why dont you stay here at least it is clean, but he said no, he needs to get out of there, so i wonder what is really going on behind those locked doors, he doesnt say and that is scary, what is the truth, i will never know, he never tells me.

my daughter drives me nuts, she has less enery then my self, as after we got home she was napping on the sofa while i took care of the kids, i really really need to make a change


my sugar is still out of wack and i am really trying i have classes to go to and also have to get into a rythnm at the gym that should help

so i have it

Since I got sick in Ocotober I've been on a diabetic watch, now here it is, have it diabetes, I would love to be able to say my dr is wrong and went on a witch hunt to make sure i have it, but i can't. My sugar is off and has been for over a year, only this doctor chose to look and research, not ignore what it is, anyway friday to the drs again, and then i guess classes and medication, great. arghhhh

Ground Hog Day was Yesterday

and they didnt even mention it on the news. What is wrong with the world... A little ground hog, hedge hog or well I could be fresh here but I wont...

Ive got to go look up the prediction.

motivation

i have no motivation, and D,was supposed to be here and she left. well i will just go with that it is okay... today i do not need to stretch my self beyond where i am and i could have mindlessly, but i will let her try this and see what happens. all her college apps are in so now we are waiting... time is not so important but if she goes away to college then we will see what happens. oh well...

i am just going to take my shower here and go to work as usual, maybe i will go to the gym after wards

Goodbye January

Goodbye January 2009
I cannot say that this has been a good month,
but then again I can't say it has been a bad month.

I need change signifigant change, I need to get away from my boss who is a complete egomaniac and poor in communication. It is disturbing for me to know, to think what I think and not be able to voice my opinion. I have so many thoughts it is frightful, and it all goes back to the po way of f...n someone and certainly, nice people finish last. that is the fact of it all. I really really do not like having a boss that I cannot communicate with, he is smug and sarcastic, and i am grateful to not have to deal with him on the same level as I dealt with him before, not this person who is taking over my job, well, let me just say this, good luck to her, because that job really really sucks, i am glad i will not be working at hard and earning as much cash, how that doesnt sound like me but in reality that is the way it is going to be. thank you God, this may not seem right but it is the way it is going to be for awhile, i will be glad to be able to try to get away from him too, because who knows how long he is going to be in the position he is in, and i am just sick of it....so this is the ramblin on of my incomprehensible situation but yet a very postal situation. arghhhh i h t p o

me

january 22

Today is like no other day, exhausted from work ...12 hours again, no break in site really, i need a vacation. F is sick pneumonia.... too much.... and i have a zillion things to do besides... i hope today will be a better day. that's all

A prayer

I pray with tears held back by my jaw.


joy, relief, hope
today brings a new beginning,
everyone in this world can belong
get along.... better ....

I pray that thoughtful leadership breaks
the jail of prejudice and creates bonds
acceptance, hand and hand,
everyone hold on.

I pray that a child who is innocent
can face a future when the time for
understanding comes
a future that is less selfish
and more cooperative to get things done.

I pray that you and I
and he and she
and they come together with the goal
that we are one nation, one world, one mankind
with the ability to laugh, love and cry.

test

http://www.rainbowvideoandphoto.com/21088_7263.asp

avoiding going to work

this morning I wonder where the weekend went, well yes, i worked Saturday so that was 1/2 of it, and i have so much work to do at work I am avoiding it at all costs. It is just too crazy to continue but I will... back to the grind where I really dont want to be I would rather be home with the fam....but I am going in now to see what I can get accomplished which probably is not much.

Just a jaunt

This Thanksgiving I had a wonderful overnight trip to New York City with my grandson, and my husband ----in tow --- I say my husband was in tow because he never traveled to NYC with us before, and Johnny and I, when we get to the city, we spark, we awaken, we perk.

It was the middle of the afternoon by the time we checked into our hotel room. We had dinner, then it was after 6. My husband was tired, he wanted his constitutional nap.

Johnny was excited and unable to rest -- as was I. We put on our walking faces and went to Rockerfeller Center first.... we visited the ice rink, Prometheus, the Nintendo store. Johnny remembered it being there last year --- Then we took our usual jaunt down 5th avenue. By the time we could see Central Park it was very dark, and the air had a chill, but we stuck together and stopped to gaze at window displays in Bergdorf and Goodman.

Ever since I've been visiting NYC -- these are the windows that entice, pique, and satisfy something in me beyond the material or any holiday wrapping, these windows cling to me as a spiritual gift --- satisfying something in side my heart and mind....

and this night I saw my mother's eye, Can you see it? My mother make cakes and she made them before I can even remember...and this window...posted before --- cakes rich with decorator's frosting is her style,and although she couldnt be with us on this trip, I saw her and will always see her when I look at this...

After our 15 block walk, Johnny begged, can't we take a ride Grammy -- You see- in one of those bicycle taxis... and I said, Johnny, let's see what it cost?

A young man called to us, Hey do you want a ride? His accent was foreign what nation I do not know, not Spanish but Mediterranean? and we said how much, 20 bucks he said, Where are you going? 44th and 6th. We climbed in...

He rode with abandon down 5th Avenue, Johnny yelled and called out with joy! Woah Wow, ahha and The taxi driver pedaled faster swerving in an out between cars. I held onto the side -- whoosh whoosh we rode.... Johnny and I grinned foolishly at each other when we came to a red light but didn't stop fully, the driver pedaled backwards... and forwards and off again we went with the flow of yellow taxis and Christmas lights glittering in our eyes.

The best ride for one of our best walks. When we got back to the hotel, Papa was awake and ready to go out to Times Square, he'd never been there before, and even though it was crowded, he willingly walked up to the Hersey's store where he bought the freshest GoodNPlenty on Earth...as we usually do... only this time, he was there. And he even liked it. What more to be Thankful for? The Parade, and oh it was just as good as seeing it on tv, only Better coz it was a perfect day in November.

wonderous life

dream fulfilled

college trip weeknd

here we go--

same ole me

it is weeks since i have written, stress brings me here more often than not... i am insecure and perhaps it is showing. i guess i need to let this go and have a vacation. selivie.

needles needless

for a couple of months ive told my boss that i need help... so now someone is coming in, but i am a bit perturbed. i dont want to lose my job, maybe i just need to move on from my job, and that would be fine with me. i dislike the bs that is happening and i need to talk to my boss... two new 204 b's and it is just ridiculous.

october19th

Watching the soxs my stomach churns up and down, i clean a little here and there unable to sit still, fred dips from station to station flipping back and forth driving me mad.... work is still tough --- too much to do and just too many employees who cant see the writing on the wall... not worth it

today the house was full... kids running in and out, small and tall, i felt myself smiling as i made brunch for us all... this is true happiness in choas... the children are just happy....no worries not a care not a woe... the bub had to leave early... i brought him to his bath, no i dont want to go, i want to stay here... i dont like... it was hard to let him go, but i know he would have fun where he was going.... his father calls, less crazy then he has been and that felt right ---


the family has been feeling sad... sad for ricky who is away from us and we cant even touch him if we went to see him. it doesnt feel right.. it feels ugly and i hate the system for what it is....this is punishment...and what the gf is doing is too... there is nothing we can do but try to support him...and st says it is our fault..you said people fall in love and stay together, but people dont. and it is true today, love is not a perfect science, love is not always something good, love can be sadness and forgiveness unfulfilled, love you may love a person but that doesnt mean you should marry that person, what makes a perfect marriage> the ability to give and recieve when what where and how whatever it is is needed... how tragic a description is that for love.

sept 24

i will be getting some help at my job...that will be a blessing, i need to be able to have a life.

tomorrow is our anniversary ... i am trying to think of a gift for Fred who never says that he wants anything.... well except for cigarettes yek...

anyway
time tumbles on... it is already wednesday and i have to make out the schedule. the clerks think that the new hours do not start until october, but they need to start now to come into effect. ill still have to eat 80 hours but so be it, it will free up another 80... and Chelsea needs somebody.


my life is all incompassed by my job right now, i would prefer to not have it so rich and to go into other facets. ive been working my butt off... oh well..so be it. i've put in for vacation around thanksgiving...i dont want to lose it.... no i dont.

still over not

climb over the knotted hill
it is easy but down is not so nice
mis footings tumbles bumps
bruised, how did I end up on such a path

leap jump how I wish it were just that
easy... but i am going to look

why not

what day is it?

Sept 18th, time is running me, my day is full before it starts.... i have so much laundry to do i need a maid. help is what i need overwhelemed at worka and home. yes, and the postal service is using my man Einstein on its employee theft program... hummmm what would he say about that.

oh well another day awaits.

a topical paradise lush ferns beach the beach salt air sand... i oculd use a little of that

exhausted

noise makes me cringe, my eyes slope
my head pounds easily at any noise
i want to crawl back into bed and feel the covers
comfort me, as nice blankets do comfort
just as a man's hug or being held when so
worn down from the day night or just so
overwhelmed with work

i want to say, i need a day off... as i do

tomorrow tomorrow... what will come will be

didnt get home til after 9 from the Bubs party. He is just a sweet boy, not a whine, not a cry. He really is an angel.

The way he plays and he is just so happy... it is great.

I didnt buy him much he has so much stuff but I did get him some Wonder Pet cd's as he loves the Wonder Pets... the Wonder Pets save the Beatles I wonder what that is about, and Nursery Rhymes too... but I brought some nice balloons and it was a great party, even though I was late. Thank God, Bus was there on time with Johnny, my job is just too much sometimes.

The Bub turns three

Today the Bubbins as we call him is three. He is truly growing to be a boy of strength and wit. Last evening before returning to his Nana and Momma he was very intent as he sat upon my bed telling the story of the Three Little Pigs, now the first pig, he said, built a house of sticks, and the wolf said, I'll huff and puff and blow your house down, and then a bunch of gibberish and the wolf said again, ill huff and puff and blow the house down, and he did!! So I said to the Bub, what was the first house made of? Twigs he said, and what was the second house made of? Sticks, and the third? Bricks, and the wolf could blow that house down.

His mother has returned home and he loves her, but he still wants his Nana all the time, yet when they were in my bed, the two grandchildren telling their version of stories... it was calm and quiet and relaxing... that is what story telling is... peaceful

on the other side of the mountain however is my job which is so stressfilled at this time I can only hope it gets better.

arghhh

who to vote for

I am disgusted at the democratic party. I am disgusted at men. Hillary should have been president. I would rather vote for John McCain and Sarah Palin.

My husband however perks up at Palin. He thinks she is cute. I can tell. It is like in the morning before work, if I am in dressed in one of my suits...wow.... the just "you look good" and the eyes.

To some men a woman in a suit with her hair up is just an invitation to loosen her up. a challenge hahaha

anyway... She certainly is a representation of alot of working American women with children building careers. The choices arent easy and they require a mate to do it or a lot of money for childcare assistance. But it is a very real deal.

the fall comiing in

goals
to get organized again, somehow my office at home and work... disasters
to get back to the gym -- my car is fixed supposedly...
to not worry so much that my insides feel like they are grinding
to breath deep before i speak
to have a real vacation some place warm and sunny with a beach

no glasses

it is a different world when you wear glasses and then you opt to go without, especially when writing and not using spell check. I laugh at my mistakes. oh well. I should fix them but I havent...it is my blog and if i want to be lazy or messy or however i think i shall be...especially since ive moved my office and i have the biggest disaster going... it is going to take the next week to straighten all things out. 15 days til our anniversary...what shall we do...hummmm

September is up

Ir is September 9th, wow, Johnny and Steph are still here with us. The family is a large family again. We have dinner at the dining room table, and many discussions I dont really want to have, we just have them because this family has so many things to discuss. Dinner is A one Act play most of the time, sometimes II.

The Dinner
Act I
Scene I

Sone one sets the table or
I put the food on the table and we do help yourself

Where are the napkins? Use your napkin.

If you dont have napkins in the holder someone better
get them or Ma will freak,

no napkins no dinner.

I dont freak

Oh yes you do,

you have your particular way of saying--
Dinner will not continue without napkins on the table.

So be it, what is wrong with napkins?

Nothing.

(Contented )everyone has his or her napkin... dinner resumes

Dad cant cook on the grill
He burns everything

Well that grill cooks fast

Yeah, you try it

Even I burned the burgers today

Who wants salad

I had some

Where is the butter

Oh D will you get the butter/

Any thing else?

Where are the paper plates?

In the pantry.

Don't you have anything else?

What did you cook for me?

Nothing Special?

We are not the vegatarian: I dont know what you wanted:

I am not cooking special
food for you.

I work too many hours.

He is going to do this

She is going to do that.

The car is broken down. AGAIN

Let's not talk about Ma's car.


Did you see this movie.
Did you see her this morning.
And who bore the brunt of her wrath.
The Cake.

Oh he shakes his head, Yup,( he twirls his finger beside his temple)
She was psycho, I mean psycho....

SHHHH dont let her see you doing that. She is your mother you know.


Close curtain.


There is alot here going on. Sometimes it is too much, but I still smile even if it makes me nuts.

end of the what summer

This weekend came and went but not without thunder as I again seems to just not be able to keep my mouth shut when I should know it is futile, my entire life with my mother seems futile when it comes to explaining my take on certain behavior that is unnecessary. I dont need to be around someone who is critical of me and not just me, all in the world who made the decision to have children. I dont want to hear it, it is old and oppressive and just plain inappropriate if said around kids. However as our family makes peace... it is ignored just like the millions of other things that have happened through out time... ignore it, oh i am, but the next time i visit and this person starts ... i am going to say, why dont you go have therapy for this adversion of yours because i dont know if you are ever going to get over the decision that YOU decided not to have children. that might just be caustic enough, or maybe i should say to someone, i dont want to deal with you when you are fn drinking, just as you said, you dont want to deal with fn kids. what could have been a wonderful day and actually was a wonderful day in many ways, has been soured by my own inability to just say...why do you care...and it is not that i do care so much because they dont have anything to do with my life for the most part but i would like to just enjoy being at my mother's without all the pretentious bs they fling.

on the other hand my grandson had a great time with my other brother who generously took him quohogging after the temper tantrum by the 40 plus year old. Such a difference in men, of course one stands his ground, I think he must have to. The other, he must have whip marks we just cant see.

clammy

at 4:59am the sun lingers behind a gray scarf
wonder how long is it
the heat and the moisture meld together
and without the sun humid is here
aching bones reddening eyes
without mr sun the day is night


i ache and my eyes are exhausted
it will be a long week... and i have no camera
which really upsets me...
i will look for one.
i just have to

arghh

bad luck hopefully disappearing

it has been a spell of misfortunate events, bad luck in plain words, yet after the phone call last night from the gated one, who was moved to a different unit and was much happier than in the past few months, i am relieved and hopeful that the omen is subsiding....

There was what the weathermen call "a strawberry moon" the week. It hung in the sky Tuesday when the Celtics won the series, and had a had my camera, ( a bad luck check) I would have taken a great picture and prooved to everyone that indeed, it was not a Strawberry Moon, but A Basketball Moon as Orange as Orange could be in a dark night sky, it even had little black lines at times. Yes, it was a Basketball moon the night the Celtics took back the Championship.

Enough

This afternoon Im going to the game with my cake. That is the Red Soxs. They lost yesterday, not good. Today, they've got to get the muster out and KSA. KO is pitching and that should be exciting for Johnny.

School is winding down for Di and shortly the morning rush wont be there. Ill finish my counts before the 30 and then I wont have to worry until September. Which will be nice. Lots going on with the wedding coming up and we are going to Long Island next weekend. So that will be fun. What to Wear? OMy.. well off to work.......

June

I am exhausted, have has a sore throat for two weeks, post nasal...arghh ...d's prom was last night...so much moola and so little time...it is the last of the rushes ...i think i might be able to try to go back to the gym tomorrow... i am going to focus on taking off some weight....which has not been a focus but merely a hope it would happen with exercise, but my body being peri meno is holding on ...or so it seems....to no have so much stress would be helpful....

away... may 24th

30 years ago today at this time i was checking into bli, which no longer exists as it was, it is now a different hospital, it is modern, it is still cutting edge, but the old building is gone, the white stone brick facade, the sculptured courtyard, the frieze, it is red brick now and a different name, and nearly 7 hours later i delivered my first child, a daughter, pale skin, blue eyes, and bald as a cue ball, but she had an aura, and i felt it and noticed it, today ...30... does it seem possible that was 30 years ago...

27 years ago I lay in the new version of that old hospital with my new born son, same day, he was born in the morning, where she was born in the evening.... two distinctly different births, different children....and today, still the same, same day, different worlds, different delights, different pains....pangs... oh i have them...

ive been sick nearly a week, so sick i am ready to hit the doctors but i dread it...

however, i still yearn for my reserve body to awaken to make me well .... please...it would be better than any pill they can have me swollow...

today is just a sad day for me, ive been through so much trauma the last few months i suppose i am lucky to me going... i am going and going... will be glad when i feel like i can breath again....

thirty years, twenty seven years ago... how impossible it all seems, yet how true it is...

on the other hand my youngest got her results from her sats.... outstanding english, ok math,,,, but acceptable for any state schools we've looked at...and most ivy league too.... perhaps an sat math class would help her... we will see...she't just an awesome kid...

change

There is nothing like experiencing the phenonoma of knowing without knowing. I look for quiet and peace. Will work, mind my business and go forth. Something rotten is in the air.

windmills

the sun set the drive was long after working hours beyond and i drove the path covered with dirty snow streets glistening from the melting yet cruchy like ceral spawled on the kitchen floor, sand on asphalt fog coming down and the city dark woke before me the solitary windmill seen from the highway, but then more and more and more reminding me of the decent or the rise the hills of sanbernadino valley, and the awe of mankind, protect or destroy? at least it is a try though the fog i drive and wonder if i will ever see them again.

carefull

Wow where has time gone

Let me think,

my back went out...that was totally horrid, and at this stage i cant remember when it happened exactly, but i know i was suffering from about dec 17th til after the new year, and then suddenly as if it had never happened i returned to my only half injured self, i joined a gym, and i am trying very hard to be organized and take care of myself --- at that is the key to taking care of myself, if i am organized, i dont get so stressed and that i how i get to do the things i want to do for myself...since going into this job two years ago... it is like wow...where did i go, as i am the same but not, i guess i am stronger now and find it easier to say no... but i am still the same inside, my heart still hurts at this sights and sounds of someone else's pain... so i live with that...

let me go back...

well my husband and daughter...i say, daughter's idea and husband's wallet planned a surprise party for my 50th arghh...i dont know how i made it through that night...it was a wonderful gift to me, and i appreciate it totally but the $$$ geesh i could have bought a new fence for less then that...my sense and sensiblity is still sticking me.... stop stop stop... i have some great photos my sister took but i have yet to get to scanning them...i put them in the book they made me... and well...my sisters are just the greatest that is all i can say about them... and it is just sometimes so sad for me as i am do busy that i dont have a moment to breath...and i just forget to do the things i love to do...how can that possibly be ...it is just the way it is.... but i am going to get my thankyou notes finished in time for valentines day and that will be my plan....

so they had the big party...arghh...then Christmas came and we got the wii games and the competition started...but .... we havent played much lately ...we celebrated two BIG birthdays, the baby is 18 ....and the other younger is 21...how could this have happened.... we went to the midevil manor.... lol wrong spelling ...with the 18 year old and the 21 year old had a roast beef dinner and a 28 dollar bottle of merlot which isnt a lot to pay for a bottle of wine, but at least it was a decent one... two birthday weekends...never mind two nephews who also celebrated their special day too... something else i have to take care of this week... but again...my boss... he called on me to do something to help him out..and i am ... but i am trying to figure if he means for me to do this forever.... he wants me to move into the office in the front but i refused saying i like the office i have...and i do ...it is away from the front of the building and private, plus i have my own bathroom.... which is the best... so that has taken me to now... the failure of me writing and doing anything but taking care of holidays kids birthdays and recovering from my dancing frenzy at my party...oh my God...was that me??? anyway i will live with this til i die.

And that brings me to the current status of my dear husband....who had Vertigo and has taken the medicine incorrectly and is so sick that it is scaring me.... so i pray that he starts to feel better soon, coz i dont know how much i can take him feeling so crappy.

taking care of business....

my bouts of back misery have not helped my preparation for the upcoming holiday...although i have two tiny deer waiting to be placed upon the postage stamp lawn ... they remain in the house getting moved from living room to dining room to kitchen ... they have been tasted by the cat numerous times and sniffed by the dog, knocked over by children and grandchildren, and yet not one big person --- there are many in this house, has thought to place them outside where they belong, initiative -- is there any?

of course if i instructed someone to take them out side and set them up i am sure it would have been done...but i realize too.... sometimes the elders do take it upon him or her self to take or do whatever and the repercussion is .....the district attorney arrives with a zillion questions ...and there are no acceptable answers when one has not asked yet taken, however this is a performance issue.... i do think i will put the little deer out today ignoring everything else i must do -- first the giant wreath...the little deer and they do need a little tree... yes...and we need a little tree too... perhaps i will stop and get one on the way home....that might actually help to hasten my holiday pacing which is a bit on the up hill.

december

December ---

deceased one Uncle Junior
name in paper
no phone call
just the living listed
no one from the past, those already in the grave, not mentioned...
yet remembered...
those living remember, and remembered, and called....
yet the wonderment goes on --
how or why did this happen.

we will go to the wake for remembrance, one cannot change the past
only learn from it...

i learned alot from my mil.... some of what i do not want to be, and also some what i would like to be....

so far this month has completely filled all negative space with something dark and the unknown -- tears.... lots of them --- i wait for Christmas to come and go.... be gone I think, not that it isnt a good time when it gets here, but the angst before it is a killer...and the people around me --- at work, at home, and elsewhere, the tension of dealing with just day to day stuff.... and then the holidays... wow... what a storm.....

frustration....arghhhh

let's see.... on task...but not so sure we made goal today... the clerks are pushing me one way but i am going to push back...tomorrow i am going to make sure i get things the way i want...friggn ds is driving me nuts get out of my face ...arghhh and that is that...cant wait til sun and mon... days off yahooo....

the power of a voice....

after my father passed away my mother kept my father's message on the answering maching for the longest time...after awhile someone said, dont you think it is time, but right now at this time i would love to hear my dad's voice and have his calm, after all he was in management for a long time and he was a strong leader with a way about him ... get people to do what they had to do, and it isnt easy working fot he tax man....so i say cheers to the voices of the dead.... and it would be nice to have a library of them....just some thoughts.

test that didnt work

i used to be able to upload my stuff from word..now it doesnt work...i have to figure that one out. ive become lazy though...wrote the little story...then added some jpegs from the net ...but none copied ...oh well another learn...

Go Patriots...Dont lose faith in yourselves!!

this is a test

A Bub Adventure

By Grammy
From December 2, 2007

Today, Grammy came to Nana's to get me, but I was a little crabby.
Then Nana said, "Do you want to go watch football with Papa and then come back?" I nodded yes and Nana put me in the car seat in Grammy's car.

First we went shopping to the Hilltop for steak, but I fell asleep. Then we went to the pet store. WOW I've never been there before.

First I saw doggies coming out of the store. Hummm, doggies in a store I have never seen that.

When we got into the store, I saw fishes, so many different kinds of fishes that I couldn't count them all if I wanted to. The store had fish tanks lined up against the walls. In each tank there was one kind of fish.
In one tank there were Neons.
In another tank there were Clown fish, in another tank there were Striper fish, and there was Catfish, and even Angel fish. Do you believe it?

I loved looking at those fishes. Grammy had to drive me away.

In the pet store there was a Dog training class going on. In the class there was a huge husky dog that was taller than me. I was afraid of him and told Grammie, “I want to see the fishes.”

Then I saw two beagles, a cocker spaniel, and a dog that looked like Auntie Sybil's new dog Kimba .

I went to see the guniea pigs but there was only one and it was a little fat one and it was scary as it was scurrying around.
There was not a hamster in the store because Santa had taken all the ones they had to the North Pole. Hum, I sure would have liked to see one.

After that I saw the birdies. They did not have any big birds, but they had beautiful Doves, they were chubby and gray, and sitting close together in their cage.
There were little Finches too and Blue birds that were singing.
I said to Grammy, "They are going to escape, and fly away," and I held my hands up and flutter my fingers in the air. Grammy said I did not have to worry because they were still in their cages and couldn't get me. Oh yeah, that's right.

In the lizard section I got to see a Gecko, but he was the only one, too. Where are all the pets I wondered?

Next, I stopped by to see the adoptable cats. These are not baby kittens, but grown cats that people do not want any more. I would have liked to bring one to Grammy’s, but Grammy said one cat is all we can have. I did not put my fingers in the cage, just like Grammy said.

They were all cute, but I wanted to see the fishes again, so back to the fishes we went. I wanted one of those fishes and I said to Grammy, just one fishy to take home, so Grammy looked around and found the male - Beta fish. It is just one fish in a little tank just right for me.

I held my Beta fish in the carriage as we went to the check out. Grammy said I could not shake it or it would die, so I didn't.
Grammy asked the man if my fish could take the cold outside. The man said, "Yes!" So I held onto my Beta fish in the carriage.

As we were leaving the store we passed by the spot where dogs were getting brushed and haircuts. Groomed. We watched them for a long time. They groomed a white fuzzy poodle, and a little black cha-cha dog, and a big big wrinkly dog and then a long hair Australian sheep herder dog. Well I don’t know what kind of dog it was but it looked like the dog from Babe the Pig only it had little legs. After a bit we had to leave cause Grammy said it was getting late. I could have stayed there all day.

At Grammy's house my fish sat on the table. Grammy asked what I was going to name my fish. I told her Dolly. And that is my fish’s name, Dolly. I let Dolly sleep over at Grammy and Papa's house. I can't wait to see him next week.


The End.

another Bub adventure

Today Grammy came to Nana's to get me, but I was a little crabbby. Then Nana said, "Do you want to go watch football with Papa and then come back?" I nodded yes and Nana put me in the carseat in Grammy's car.

First we went shopping to the Hilltop for steak, but I fell asleep. Then we went to the pet store. WOW I've never been there before.

I saw fishes, so many different kinds of fishes I couldn't count them all if I wanted to. The store had fish tanks all lined up against the wall. In each tank there was one kind of fish, like in one tank there were NEONs in another tank there were Clown fish, in another tank there were Striper fish, and there was Catfish, and even Angel fish. Do you believe it? I loved looking at those fishes.

In the pet store there was a Dog training class going on. In the class there was a huge husky dog that was taller than me. I was afraid of him.

I also saw two beagles, a cocker spaniel, and a dog that looked like Auntie Sybil's new dog Kimba.

After that I went to see the Genie Pigs and the hamsters, but there was not a hamster in the store. They said they were waiting until next week for new hamsters because Santa had taken all the ones they had to the North Pole. Hummm, I sure would have liked to see one.

After that I saw the birdies. They did not have any big birds, but they had beautiful Doves, they were fat and sitting close together in their cage. There were little Finches too and Blue birds that were singing. I said to Grammy, "They are going to escape, and fly away," and I was scared. But Grammy said, I did not have to worrry because they were still in thier cages and couldnt get me. Oh yeah, that's right.

In the lizard section I got to see a Gecko, but he was the only one.

Next I stopped by to see the adoptable cats. These are not baby cats, but grown cats that people do not want any more. I would like to get one but Grammy said one cat is all we can have.

They were all cute, but I wanted to see the fishes again so back to the fishes we went. I wanted one of those fishes and I said to Grammy, just one fishy to take home, so Grammy looked around and found the Beta fish. It is just one fish in a little tank just right for me.

I held my Beta fish in the carriage as we went to the check out. Grammy said I could not shake it or it would die, so I didn't. Grammy asked the man if my fish could take the cold outside. The man said, "Yes!" So I held onto my Beta fish in the carriage.

As we were leaving the store we passed by the spot where dogs were getting brushed and haircuts. Groomed. We watched them for a long time. They groomed a white fuzzy poodle, and a little black chichua, and a big big wrinkly dog and then a long hair austrialia sheep herder dog. Well i dont know what kind of dog it was but it looked like the dog from Babe the Pig only it had little legs. After a bit we had to leave cause Grammy said it was getting late. I could have stayed there all day.

At Grammy's house my fish sat on the table. Grammy asked what I was going to name my fish. I told her Dolly. And that is my fishes name, Dolly. I let Dolly sleep over at Grammy and Papa's house. I can't wait to see him next week.

lilRicky