october19th

Watching the soxs my stomach churns up and down, i clean a little here and there unable to sit still, fred dips from station to station flipping back and forth driving me mad.... work is still tough --- too much to do and just too many employees who cant see the writing on the wall... not worth it

today the house was full... kids running in and out, small and tall, i felt myself smiling as i made brunch for us all... this is true happiness in choas... the children are just happy....no worries not a care not a woe... the bub had to leave early... i brought him to his bath, no i dont want to go, i want to stay here... i dont like... it was hard to let him go, but i know he would have fun where he was going.... his father calls, less crazy then he has been and that felt right ---


the family has been feeling sad... sad for ricky who is away from us and we cant even touch him if we went to see him. it doesnt feel right.. it feels ugly and i hate the system for what it is....this is punishment...and what the gf is doing is too... there is nothing we can do but try to support him...and st says it is our fault..you said people fall in love and stay together, but people dont. and it is true today, love is not a perfect science, love is not always something good, love can be sadness and forgiveness unfulfilled, love you may love a person but that doesnt mean you should marry that person, what makes a perfect marriage> the ability to give and recieve when what where and how whatever it is is needed... how tragic a description is that for love.