dream fulfilled

college trip weeknd

here we go--

same ole me

it is weeks since i have written, stress brings me here more often than not... i am insecure and perhaps it is showing. i guess i need to let this go and have a vacation. selivie.

needles needless

for a couple of months ive told my boss that i need help... so now someone is coming in, but i am a bit perturbed. i dont want to lose my job, maybe i just need to move on from my job, and that would be fine with me. i dislike the bs that is happening and i need to talk to my boss... two new 204 b's and it is just ridiculous.

october19th

Watching the soxs my stomach churns up and down, i clean a little here and there unable to sit still, fred dips from station to station flipping back and forth driving me mad.... work is still tough --- too much to do and just too many employees who cant see the writing on the wall... not worth it

today the house was full... kids running in and out, small and tall, i felt myself smiling as i made brunch for us all... this is true happiness in choas... the children are just happy....no worries not a care not a woe... the bub had to leave early... i brought him to his bath, no i dont want to go, i want to stay here... i dont like... it was hard to let him go, but i know he would have fun where he was going.... his father calls, less crazy then he has been and that felt right ---


the family has been feeling sad... sad for ricky who is away from us and we cant even touch him if we went to see him. it doesnt feel right.. it feels ugly and i hate the system for what it is....this is punishment...and what the gf is doing is too... there is nothing we can do but try to support him...and st says it is our fault..you said people fall in love and stay together, but people dont. and it is true today, love is not a perfect science, love is not always something good, love can be sadness and forgiveness unfulfilled, love you may love a person but that doesnt mean you should marry that person, what makes a perfect marriage> the ability to give and recieve when what where and how whatever it is is needed... how tragic a description is that for love.

sept 24

i will be getting some help at my job...that will be a blessing, i need to be able to have a life.

tomorrow is our anniversary ... i am trying to think of a gift for Fred who never says that he wants anything.... well except for cigarettes yek...

anyway
time tumbles on... it is already wednesday and i have to make out the schedule. the clerks think that the new hours do not start until october, but they need to start now to come into effect. ill still have to eat 80 hours but so be it, it will free up another 80... and Chelsea needs somebody.


my life is all incompassed by my job right now, i would prefer to not have it so rich and to go into other facets. ive been working my butt off... oh well..so be it. i've put in for vacation around thanksgiving...i dont want to lose it.... no i dont.

still over not

climb over the knotted hill
it is easy but down is not so nice
mis footings tumbles bumps
bruised, how did I end up on such a path

leap jump how I wish it were just that
easy... but i am going to look

why not

what day is it?

Sept 18th, time is running me, my day is full before it starts.... i have so much laundry to do i need a maid. help is what i need overwhelemed at worka and home. yes, and the postal service is using my man Einstein on its employee theft program... hummmm what would he say about that.

oh well another day awaits.

a topical paradise lush ferns beach the beach salt air sand... i oculd use a little of that

exhausted

noise makes me cringe, my eyes slope
my head pounds easily at any noise
i want to crawl back into bed and feel the covers
comfort me, as nice blankets do comfort
just as a man's hug or being held when so
worn down from the day night or just so
overwhelmed with work

i want to say, i need a day off... as i do

tomorrow tomorrow... what will come will be

didnt get home til after 9 from the Bubs party. He is just a sweet boy, not a whine, not a cry. He really is an angel.

The way he plays and he is just so happy... it is great.

I didnt buy him much he has so much stuff but I did get him some Wonder Pet cd's as he loves the Wonder Pets... the Wonder Pets save the Beatles I wonder what that is about, and Nursery Rhymes too... but I brought some nice balloons and it was a great party, even though I was late. Thank God, Bus was there on time with Johnny, my job is just too much sometimes.

The Bub turns three

Today the Bubbins as we call him is three. He is truly growing to be a boy of strength and wit. Last evening before returning to his Nana and Momma he was very intent as he sat upon my bed telling the story of the Three Little Pigs, now the first pig, he said, built a house of sticks, and the wolf said, I'll huff and puff and blow your house down, and then a bunch of gibberish and the wolf said again, ill huff and puff and blow the house down, and he did!! So I said to the Bub, what was the first house made of? Twigs he said, and what was the second house made of? Sticks, and the third? Bricks, and the wolf could blow that house down.

His mother has returned home and he loves her, but he still wants his Nana all the time, yet when they were in my bed, the two grandchildren telling their version of stories... it was calm and quiet and relaxing... that is what story telling is... peaceful

on the other side of the mountain however is my job which is so stressfilled at this time I can only hope it gets better.

arghhh

who to vote for

I am disgusted at the democratic party. I am disgusted at men. Hillary should have been president. I would rather vote for John McCain and Sarah Palin.

My husband however perks up at Palin. He thinks she is cute. I can tell. It is like in the morning before work, if I am in dressed in one of my suits...wow.... the just "you look good" and the eyes.

To some men a woman in a suit with her hair up is just an invitation to loosen her up. a challenge hahaha

anyway... She certainly is a representation of alot of working American women with children building careers. The choices arent easy and they require a mate to do it or a lot of money for childcare assistance. But it is a very real deal.

the fall comiing in

goals
to get organized again, somehow my office at home and work... disasters
to get back to the gym -- my car is fixed supposedly...
to not worry so much that my insides feel like they are grinding
to breath deep before i speak
to have a real vacation some place warm and sunny with a beach

no glasses

it is a different world when you wear glasses and then you opt to go without, especially when writing and not using spell check. I laugh at my mistakes. oh well. I should fix them but I havent...it is my blog and if i want to be lazy or messy or however i think i shall be...especially since ive moved my office and i have the biggest disaster going... it is going to take the next week to straighten all things out. 15 days til our anniversary...what shall we do...hummmm

September is up

Ir is September 9th, wow, Johnny and Steph are still here with us. The family is a large family again. We have dinner at the dining room table, and many discussions I dont really want to have, we just have them because this family has so many things to discuss. Dinner is A one Act play most of the time, sometimes II.

The Dinner
Act I
Scene I

Sone one sets the table or
I put the food on the table and we do help yourself

Where are the napkins? Use your napkin.

If you dont have napkins in the holder someone better
get them or Ma will freak,

no napkins no dinner.

I dont freak

Oh yes you do,

you have your particular way of saying--
Dinner will not continue without napkins on the table.

So be it, what is wrong with napkins?

Nothing.

(Contented )everyone has his or her napkin... dinner resumes

Dad cant cook on the grill
He burns everything

Well that grill cooks fast

Yeah, you try it

Even I burned the burgers today

Who wants salad

I had some

Where is the butter

Oh D will you get the butter/

Any thing else?

Where are the paper plates?

In the pantry.

Don't you have anything else?

What did you cook for me?

Nothing Special?

We are not the vegatarian: I dont know what you wanted:

I am not cooking special
food for you.

I work too many hours.

He is going to do this

She is going to do that.

The car is broken down. AGAIN

Let's not talk about Ma's car.


Did you see this movie.
Did you see her this morning.
And who bore the brunt of her wrath.
The Cake.

Oh he shakes his head, Yup,( he twirls his finger beside his temple)
She was psycho, I mean psycho....

SHHHH dont let her see you doing that. She is your mother you know.


Close curtain.


There is alot here going on. Sometimes it is too much, but I still smile even if it makes me nuts.

end of the what summer

This weekend came and went but not without thunder as I again seems to just not be able to keep my mouth shut when I should know it is futile, my entire life with my mother seems futile when it comes to explaining my take on certain behavior that is unnecessary. I dont need to be around someone who is critical of me and not just me, all in the world who made the decision to have children. I dont want to hear it, it is old and oppressive and just plain inappropriate if said around kids. However as our family makes peace... it is ignored just like the millions of other things that have happened through out time... ignore it, oh i am, but the next time i visit and this person starts ... i am going to say, why dont you go have therapy for this adversion of yours because i dont know if you are ever going to get over the decision that YOU decided not to have children. that might just be caustic enough, or maybe i should say to someone, i dont want to deal with you when you are fn drinking, just as you said, you dont want to deal with fn kids. what could have been a wonderful day and actually was a wonderful day in many ways, has been soured by my own inability to just say...why do you care...and it is not that i do care so much because they dont have anything to do with my life for the most part but i would like to just enjoy being at my mother's without all the pretentious bs they fling.

on the other hand my grandson had a great time with my other brother who generously took him quohogging after the temper tantrum by the 40 plus year old. Such a difference in men, of course one stands his ground, I think he must have to. The other, he must have whip marks we just cant see.

clammy

at 4:59am the sun lingers behind a gray scarf
wonder how long is it
the heat and the moisture meld together
and without the sun humid is here
aching bones reddening eyes
without mr sun the day is night


i ache and my eyes are exhausted
it will be a long week... and i have no camera
which really upsets me...
i will look for one.
i just have to

arghh

bad luck hopefully disappearing

it has been a spell of misfortunate events, bad luck in plain words, yet after the phone call last night from the gated one, who was moved to a different unit and was much happier than in the past few months, i am relieved and hopeful that the omen is subsiding....

There was what the weathermen call "a strawberry moon" the week. It hung in the sky Tuesday when the Celtics won the series, and had a had my camera, ( a bad luck check) I would have taken a great picture and prooved to everyone that indeed, it was not a Strawberry Moon, but A Basketball Moon as Orange as Orange could be in a dark night sky, it even had little black lines at times. Yes, it was a Basketball moon the night the Celtics took back the Championship.

Enough

This afternoon Im going to the game with my cake. That is the Red Soxs. They lost yesterday, not good. Today, they've got to get the muster out and KSA. KO is pitching and that should be exciting for Johnny.

School is winding down for Di and shortly the morning rush wont be there. Ill finish my counts before the 30 and then I wont have to worry until September. Which will be nice. Lots going on with the wedding coming up and we are going to Long Island next weekend. So that will be fun. What to Wear? OMy.. well off to work.......

June

I am exhausted, have has a sore throat for two weeks, post nasal...arghh ...d's prom was last night...so much moola and so little time...it is the last of the rushes ...i think i might be able to try to go back to the gym tomorrow... i am going to focus on taking off some weight....which has not been a focus but merely a hope it would happen with exercise, but my body being peri meno is holding on ...or so it seems....to no have so much stress would be helpful....

away... may 24th

30 years ago today at this time i was checking into bli, which no longer exists as it was, it is now a different hospital, it is modern, it is still cutting edge, but the old building is gone, the white stone brick facade, the sculptured courtyard, the frieze, it is red brick now and a different name, and nearly 7 hours later i delivered my first child, a daughter, pale skin, blue eyes, and bald as a cue ball, but she had an aura, and i felt it and noticed it, today ...30... does it seem possible that was 30 years ago...

27 years ago I lay in the new version of that old hospital with my new born son, same day, he was born in the morning, where she was born in the evening.... two distinctly different births, different children....and today, still the same, same day, different worlds, different delights, different pains....pangs... oh i have them...

ive been sick nearly a week, so sick i am ready to hit the doctors but i dread it...

however, i still yearn for my reserve body to awaken to make me well .... please...it would be better than any pill they can have me swollow...

today is just a sad day for me, ive been through so much trauma the last few months i suppose i am lucky to me going... i am going and going... will be glad when i feel like i can breath again....

thirty years, twenty seven years ago... how impossible it all seems, yet how true it is...

on the other hand my youngest got her results from her sats.... outstanding english, ok math,,,, but acceptable for any state schools we've looked at...and most ivy league too.... perhaps an sat math class would help her... we will see...she't just an awesome kid...

change

There is nothing like experiencing the phenonoma of knowing without knowing. I look for quiet and peace. Will work, mind my business and go forth. Something rotten is in the air.

windmills

the sun set the drive was long after working hours beyond and i drove the path covered with dirty snow streets glistening from the melting yet cruchy like ceral spawled on the kitchen floor, sand on asphalt fog coming down and the city dark woke before me the solitary windmill seen from the highway, but then more and more and more reminding me of the decent or the rise the hills of sanbernadino valley, and the awe of mankind, protect or destroy? at least it is a try though the fog i drive and wonder if i will ever see them again.

carefull

Wow where has time gone

Let me think,

my back went out...that was totally horrid, and at this stage i cant remember when it happened exactly, but i know i was suffering from about dec 17th til after the new year, and then suddenly as if it had never happened i returned to my only half injured self, i joined a gym, and i am trying very hard to be organized and take care of myself --- at that is the key to taking care of myself, if i am organized, i dont get so stressed and that i how i get to do the things i want to do for myself...since going into this job two years ago... it is like wow...where did i go, as i am the same but not, i guess i am stronger now and find it easier to say no... but i am still the same inside, my heart still hurts at this sights and sounds of someone else's pain... so i live with that...

let me go back...

well my husband and daughter...i say, daughter's idea and husband's wallet planned a surprise party for my 50th arghh...i dont know how i made it through that night...it was a wonderful gift to me, and i appreciate it totally but the $$$ geesh i could have bought a new fence for less then that...my sense and sensiblity is still sticking me.... stop stop stop... i have some great photos my sister took but i have yet to get to scanning them...i put them in the book they made me... and well...my sisters are just the greatest that is all i can say about them... and it is just sometimes so sad for me as i am do busy that i dont have a moment to breath...and i just forget to do the things i love to do...how can that possibly be ...it is just the way it is.... but i am going to get my thankyou notes finished in time for valentines day and that will be my plan....

so they had the big party...arghh...then Christmas came and we got the wii games and the competition started...but .... we havent played much lately ...we celebrated two BIG birthdays, the baby is 18 ....and the other younger is 21...how could this have happened.... we went to the midevil manor.... lol wrong spelling ...with the 18 year old and the 21 year old had a roast beef dinner and a 28 dollar bottle of merlot which isnt a lot to pay for a bottle of wine, but at least it was a decent one... two birthday weekends...never mind two nephews who also celebrated their special day too... something else i have to take care of this week... but again...my boss... he called on me to do something to help him out..and i am ... but i am trying to figure if he means for me to do this forever.... he wants me to move into the office in the front but i refused saying i like the office i have...and i do ...it is away from the front of the building and private, plus i have my own bathroom.... which is the best... so that has taken me to now... the failure of me writing and doing anything but taking care of holidays kids birthdays and recovering from my dancing frenzy at my party...oh my God...was that me??? anyway i will live with this til i die.

And that brings me to the current status of my dear husband....who had Vertigo and has taken the medicine incorrectly and is so sick that it is scaring me.... so i pray that he starts to feel better soon, coz i dont know how much i can take him feeling so crappy.

taking care of business....

my bouts of back misery have not helped my preparation for the upcoming holiday...although i have two tiny deer waiting to be placed upon the postage stamp lawn ... they remain in the house getting moved from living room to dining room to kitchen ... they have been tasted by the cat numerous times and sniffed by the dog, knocked over by children and grandchildren, and yet not one big person --- there are many in this house, has thought to place them outside where they belong, initiative -- is there any?

of course if i instructed someone to take them out side and set them up i am sure it would have been done...but i realize too.... sometimes the elders do take it upon him or her self to take or do whatever and the repercussion is .....the district attorney arrives with a zillion questions ...and there are no acceptable answers when one has not asked yet taken, however this is a performance issue.... i do think i will put the little deer out today ignoring everything else i must do -- first the giant wreath...the little deer and they do need a little tree... yes...and we need a little tree too... perhaps i will stop and get one on the way home....that might actually help to hasten my holiday pacing which is a bit on the up hill.

december

December ---

deceased one Uncle Junior
name in paper
no phone call
just the living listed
no one from the past, those already in the grave, not mentioned...
yet remembered...
those living remember, and remembered, and called....
yet the wonderment goes on --
how or why did this happen.

we will go to the wake for remembrance, one cannot change the past
only learn from it...

i learned alot from my mil.... some of what i do not want to be, and also some what i would like to be....

so far this month has completely filled all negative space with something dark and the unknown -- tears.... lots of them --- i wait for Christmas to come and go.... be gone I think, not that it isnt a good time when it gets here, but the angst before it is a killer...and the people around me --- at work, at home, and elsewhere, the tension of dealing with just day to day stuff.... and then the holidays... wow... what a storm.....

frustration....arghhhh

let's see.... on task...but not so sure we made goal today... the clerks are pushing me one way but i am going to push back...tomorrow i am going to make sure i get things the way i want...friggn ds is driving me nuts get out of my face ...arghhh and that is that...cant wait til sun and mon... days off yahooo....

the power of a voice....

after my father passed away my mother kept my father's message on the answering maching for the longest time...after awhile someone said, dont you think it is time, but right now at this time i would love to hear my dad's voice and have his calm, after all he was in management for a long time and he was a strong leader with a way about him ... get people to do what they had to do, and it isnt easy working fot he tax man....so i say cheers to the voices of the dead.... and it would be nice to have a library of them....just some thoughts.

test that didnt work

i used to be able to upload my stuff from word..now it doesnt work...i have to figure that one out. ive become lazy though...wrote the little story...then added some jpegs from the net ...but none copied ...oh well another learn...

Go Patriots...Dont lose faith in yourselves!!

this is a test

A Bub Adventure

By Grammy
From December 2, 2007

Today, Grammy came to Nana's to get me, but I was a little crabby.
Then Nana said, "Do you want to go watch football with Papa and then come back?" I nodded yes and Nana put me in the car seat in Grammy's car.

First we went shopping to the Hilltop for steak, but I fell asleep. Then we went to the pet store. WOW I've never been there before.

First I saw doggies coming out of the store. Hummm, doggies in a store I have never seen that.

When we got into the store, I saw fishes, so many different kinds of fishes that I couldn't count them all if I wanted to. The store had fish tanks lined up against the walls. In each tank there was one kind of fish.
In one tank there were Neons.
In another tank there were Clown fish, in another tank there were Striper fish, and there was Catfish, and even Angel fish. Do you believe it?

I loved looking at those fishes. Grammy had to drive me away.

In the pet store there was a Dog training class going on. In the class there was a huge husky dog that was taller than me. I was afraid of him and told Grammie, “I want to see the fishes.”

Then I saw two beagles, a cocker spaniel, and a dog that looked like Auntie Sybil's new dog Kimba .

I went to see the guniea pigs but there was only one and it was a little fat one and it was scary as it was scurrying around.
There was not a hamster in the store because Santa had taken all the ones they had to the North Pole. Hum, I sure would have liked to see one.

After that I saw the birdies. They did not have any big birds, but they had beautiful Doves, they were chubby and gray, and sitting close together in their cage.
There were little Finches too and Blue birds that were singing.
I said to Grammy, "They are going to escape, and fly away," and I held my hands up and flutter my fingers in the air. Grammy said I did not have to worry because they were still in their cages and couldn't get me. Oh yeah, that's right.

In the lizard section I got to see a Gecko, but he was the only one, too. Where are all the pets I wondered?

Next, I stopped by to see the adoptable cats. These are not baby kittens, but grown cats that people do not want any more. I would have liked to bring one to Grammy’s, but Grammy said one cat is all we can have. I did not put my fingers in the cage, just like Grammy said.

They were all cute, but I wanted to see the fishes again, so back to the fishes we went. I wanted one of those fishes and I said to Grammy, just one fishy to take home, so Grammy looked around and found the male - Beta fish. It is just one fish in a little tank just right for me.

I held my Beta fish in the carriage as we went to the check out. Grammy said I could not shake it or it would die, so I didn't.
Grammy asked the man if my fish could take the cold outside. The man said, "Yes!" So I held onto my Beta fish in the carriage.

As we were leaving the store we passed by the spot where dogs were getting brushed and haircuts. Groomed. We watched them for a long time. They groomed a white fuzzy poodle, and a little black cha-cha dog, and a big big wrinkly dog and then a long hair Australian sheep herder dog. Well I don’t know what kind of dog it was but it looked like the dog from Babe the Pig only it had little legs. After a bit we had to leave cause Grammy said it was getting late. I could have stayed there all day.

At Grammy's house my fish sat on the table. Grammy asked what I was going to name my fish. I told her Dolly. And that is my fish’s name, Dolly. I let Dolly sleep over at Grammy and Papa's house. I can't wait to see him next week.


The End.

another Bub adventure

Today Grammy came to Nana's to get me, but I was a little crabbby. Then Nana said, "Do you want to go watch football with Papa and then come back?" I nodded yes and Nana put me in the carseat in Grammy's car.

First we went shopping to the Hilltop for steak, but I fell asleep. Then we went to the pet store. WOW I've never been there before.

I saw fishes, so many different kinds of fishes I couldn't count them all if I wanted to. The store had fish tanks all lined up against the wall. In each tank there was one kind of fish, like in one tank there were NEONs in another tank there were Clown fish, in another tank there were Striper fish, and there was Catfish, and even Angel fish. Do you believe it? I loved looking at those fishes.

In the pet store there was a Dog training class going on. In the class there was a huge husky dog that was taller than me. I was afraid of him.

I also saw two beagles, a cocker spaniel, and a dog that looked like Auntie Sybil's new dog Kimba.

After that I went to see the Genie Pigs and the hamsters, but there was not a hamster in the store. They said they were waiting until next week for new hamsters because Santa had taken all the ones they had to the North Pole. Hummm, I sure would have liked to see one.

After that I saw the birdies. They did not have any big birds, but they had beautiful Doves, they were fat and sitting close together in their cage. There were little Finches too and Blue birds that were singing. I said to Grammy, "They are going to escape, and fly away," and I was scared. But Grammy said, I did not have to worrry because they were still in thier cages and couldnt get me. Oh yeah, that's right.

In the lizard section I got to see a Gecko, but he was the only one.

Next I stopped by to see the adoptable cats. These are not baby cats, but grown cats that people do not want any more. I would like to get one but Grammy said one cat is all we can have.

They were all cute, but I wanted to see the fishes again so back to the fishes we went. I wanted one of those fishes and I said to Grammy, just one fishy to take home, so Grammy looked around and found the Beta fish. It is just one fish in a little tank just right for me.

I held my Beta fish in the carriage as we went to the check out. Grammy said I could not shake it or it would die, so I didn't. Grammy asked the man if my fish could take the cold outside. The man said, "Yes!" So I held onto my Beta fish in the carriage.

As we were leaving the store we passed by the spot where dogs were getting brushed and haircuts. Groomed. We watched them for a long time. They groomed a white fuzzy poodle, and a little black chichua, and a big big wrinkly dog and then a long hair austrialia sheep herder dog. Well i dont know what kind of dog it was but it looked like the dog from Babe the Pig only it had little legs. After a bit we had to leave cause Grammy said it was getting late. I could have stayed there all day.

At Grammy's house my fish sat on the table. Grammy asked what I was going to name my fish. I told her Dolly. And that is my fishes name, Dolly. I let Dolly sleep over at Grammy and Papa's house. I can't wait to see him next week.

lilRicky

projects

again ive been moved into a special project...will i succeed.... two days now we have made goal, my boss was happy...today however i worked 12 hours to get stuff done that should have been done a month ago...oh well.... cant do everything.

i am so mad at my dr.... her sec faxed the wrong test results to my gyn....they called me.....What's going on...they sent us stuff from January.... arghhh...now i have to wait even longer to find out what the decision is going to be...it may not just be a lap....... arghhh...

i took my b day off..and havent told a soul hahahah...
.i just want to take off and go to NYC... i could and no one would even know ... they could think i am in work and i would be sitting in the theatre enjoying a wonderful play... now that the strike is over that's all i can think about....

mk...got refused for his passport, if he was an illeagle...that's how i'll call it to be politically correct he would have a license and God knows what other identification...here he is an american born kid and he has to have 5 pieces of something to prove it....it is bs that is what it is.

well my new medication is working some what except that i feel like a greased pig and that part sucks. this is just a whine session....and i know it....so much for that ...it is really bugging me that i am turning 50...it just really is...not that i feel so much different but gheeze ive got so much to do in my life...

hp is coming tomorrow to remove her furniture, that will free 1.5 rooms in my house...wow wow.... space yahoo... that is something every one will enjoy...i will be able to use my treadmill and the tv room will be a delight to everyone...welcome back house.

on the other hand rw is not here and i am really really sad about that too...3-5 years he said and it aint even the final count.... not that he isnt a jerk..it is just that feeling fractured sucks...and that is how i feel when we are all together and he is not here...and i think about the times we could be having together with his baby ...the little love that he is and my heart is just ripped up and that is the part that is sometimes killing me the most because i cant think about it, coz if i do i just feel so very very sad...enough bitching...

there is nothing i can do to change the way things are
just keep going and praying and hoping that someday he will gain the strength to be whole...and not be part of that clan that is forever labeled.... a drug addict...
that would be a gift...when i was really sick i prayed to God, make him well, i dont even care if i ever get better if he was to get well...but that didnt happen..and i am still not well... figures...

next thurday i am going to join the senior choir at church - i will be the youngest one there. ha! this is something i will enjoy alleluia...

the unthinkable....

Somehow throughout my life I manage to get myself into trouble, being nice, well.... in the supply closet at work there were some pretty nifty hats, hats that should be given to people not just collecting dust, but i suppose....well i asked the jr manager who they were for, and he told me for a certain crew but that they were never given out, so i ask if i could give one to bn .... who is really deserving of a gift for no reason, a just because gift because he would never qualify for anything in the real of po logic...so i gave him one, you would think it was the best thing, he loves it...wears it with pride...that was a great gift some of the people in there you can give them something and they just wont care...it is only trash to them.....so anyway... the nosey body got ahold of bn and questioned him, where'd you get that hat.... of course he said...supervisor stupid gave it to me ---which by all means i am glad i gave it to him ---- so i get this email in work...
You took a hat out of the supply room and gave it to bn. We will talk about this Monday...from ds...well..you would think she was my boss...i felt like responding yes you fn bi it took it, now what...but... i just ignored her message ....this morning i get another email.... you gave bn a hat from the supply room you must pay jlb 12.00 for the hat as soon as possible.

I answered ....no problem


the truth is my boss never said a word to me, and he probably knows of the story... maybe he is pissed, but i did ask someone about the hats and thinking they were to be given out i saw nothing wrong in giving it out... however my judgment was laxs...yet again....yet i dont care about the 12 bucks.... i am still happy that i gave bn the hat because he appreciates it and wears it with a smile. however i am pissed at the pissy secretary... and feel like asking her what her problem is... i would prefer to not have to work with her as she shows so little courtesy and consideration, she could have just talked to me, but no she email...fine...and i didnt mention it and neither did my boss... so what does he really think? arghhhh

shopping surgery and passports

Fred made it through his surgery, I hope this stops his chocking and hacking in the middle of the night, i know i have reflux, but he has it so horrid, i guess i am pretty used to it all, back takes all the attention... i dont know just cant figure it all out, he's been home three days, and i have been home 1 and i just dont get much done, did take the dd and mike for their passports, if all goes right di will be going to the motherland, Germany and Czech for a world wind tour of numerous depression monument to the Holicaust which isnt a bad thing. I wouldnt mind going myself, but with her school I know she will experience a different kind of trip without me being with her, lots to do as usual. did start the xmas shopping and have about 1/2 of it done...if i get the rest done before the end of the month i will feel good and wont be a nut at the end of the holidays. so much to do around the house i will be glad when i get back on schedule with work so i can spend more time organizing... I am looking forward to Christmas and just enjoying life. i am completely ignoring the result of the pelvic ultrasound... why fix it if nothing is bothering you and surgery is not something i want to add to my holidays. yup lets have fun.

november

yes, somehow, some way, the year is coming to a close, time is not a friend of mine at this moment. I did buy a turkey...and i will have a three day weekend which will be awesome -- perhaps I can get ready for the holiday. Fred's surgery is today, and of course every time he has surgery i get nervous... But hopefully this will help him breath better --- the smoking is over whelming... and he needs to quit, how can i make him...cant... we all die sooner or later he says...oh ill put that on his tombstone. arghhhhh....

from my iphone

This is totally amazing, blogging from my iPhone? Is this possible
iguess this is the test.

from my iphone

This is totally amazing, blogging from my iPhone? Is this possible
iguess this is the test

ever persistent change

the old boy network is at work in the old po. the processes that were in place are going over significant change. I have no idea what will happen next. covering a co worker while she is out of a month...or so it seems... oh well new things do keep me going. working again like a dog and my house is a disaster this has got to be fixed. went to the drs...my mri shows my back is still the same, will i ever recover, no... this is it, so live with it, and within it... proof..i need to get inot shape. I have the number for a personal trainer that works out of the Sheraton in Boston, but I think I might just join the bac.... i just have to do it.

the other surprise was the pelvic ..fibroid uterus, enlarged, two cysts and just a mess great... primary stated call the gyn... ill pass. im feeling just fine.... well most of the time.

WOWWHEE

Well they did it! The Soxs socked those Rocks, and we had a great time watching them...it is sooo crazy having an awesome tv in our bedroom....

Wow and WOW

After a long series, but an entertaining one the Red Soxs have made it to the series. Now the Sox have to take on the Rocks, and Boy do I hope they Sox it to them! My love of baseball beseeches me. I dont know why I continue this affair as it gives me so many ups and downs, and worst of all it isnt like I get to go to a game much. the priciness of the tickets is a killer oh well but the tv is free, but as i told hubby, it is a lot easier to watch a game at the park...

there are distractions at the park that keep you ---
at home ---the pacing the floor infront of you, through to the kitchen and back again, the guant stares and groans while standing by the sofa alone, the clapping weakly and then loudly and the screaming that shakes the house is just a small example of watching a do or die game --- and kids looking at you like you are out of your mind only happen in my living room. At the park you can cheer and jeer, and sing and dance and

geesh ill have to finish this later....

a boy not a baby?

time gone by

seems impossible that the pool is closed, ive put the summer things away, and fall has been knocking on the window for over a week. the redsox's loss last night....arghh it was painful, but we could have won...faith and the faithful...

have been lacks about posting, writing and doing much of anything as my back has been out for a couple of weeks now, the cool air is not helping it much --- looking for a hotel in NYC trying to plan for that. January looks like the best rates. I have to check and see if Dianna wants to come and go from there.

some of my favorite pictures from days gone by recently....

hair cuts

the Bubbins got his first hair cut... his curly white locks sent to the bin, saving forver ... Karen said he tired to put them back on. "As each one fell, he would lift it and pat it to his head." He is a handsome boy, and looks like his father....and yes, although a toddler, a big boy, not so much a baby. He used his new Ikea cups and loved his new chair and the Diego toy we purchase for him for his birthday....

His father is still crazy....i dont know if he will ever change. Love cant fix him.

This morning is one of those mornings that I just feel like crawling back to bed and sleeping.... Our vacation last week was way too short. How i enjoy just hubbing along.... October 1st....time to think of Christmas organization and getting ready for the holidays. Steph is still away not back til thrus or fri.... i miss my JC.... i am just writing this to avoid going to work

The series starts this week...tonight is football...and Mikey has yet to start painting the kitchen ...procrastinator...he is painting every thing but.

clinched

Oh my heart is a pounding! Will i win in the lottery? please

apple cart

one symbol used in the wrong space can upset the entire apple cart...
so i would say that is me...
death has come to the imc and i am back in my old haunt...
i dont know how long i am staying there...
oh well...
of course they ask, isnt he going to be here for monday
probably not ....but...i feel like saying would you be here if your father died...
anyway...life goes on
there must be an alternative to working this hard.

My Soxs

Red now
in my youth, there was only gray and white and blue sox's to wear,
but with the Red, we shout I dare, I will, Come and get me, and I'll see you through... Believe in us, we believe in you. For long ago a dream that was true, is still that dream filled with God Bless You. too...

It comes like a sneeze, a cathchew cauchew.... the memory, the angst, the wonder, the news....

I watched Yaz and Scott, and Tony C
I watched too, when Buckner bent his knees---
I long ago swooned at Lonberg and though Reggie was cool, and then Nomar and the rest of that crew.... long ago...I sat in the bleachers for less than a duece. I stood by the fence near Landsdowne Street and kissed many a summer goodbye in the heat.

I've watched as September became boring beyound belief, no Red Soxs playing, who cares, the rest stink...

But this year, this team, yes this TEAM -- This ONE -- has had glory and honor, and struggles and grief, it has seasoned players and new kids on the block and sometimes they all stink...but for the most part...it has been a season of bliss....lets keep it going on guys....lets give everyone else the hip!... This year these boys, yes boys i must say, remember the fun in the game,

Let's go!!! Lester and Pap, and oh ho, hummm Big Pappi, let's go Ellsbury, Pedroia, Lowell and Youki ---Mike Lowell, and Coco, and let's not forget Manny, let's go Varitek, and J D too let's go Red Soxs GO RED dont be blue!!!! to be continued....: )

is it ?

it is past my bed time, i ve not slept ...legs keeping me awake, i stretched out for hours it seems...didnt make it to dds school just could not do the walking as still recovering from the horrid flu..... spent two days in my old haunt and think i will return to Eb tomorrow ...i do not know what is happening...one day at a time. will be off sun thru tuesday a little vacation well needed... tomorrow i will be exhausted from no slept although i tried to catch it sometimes


sleep it is a he or a she
it is a star or the moon
is it a firefly or a mosquito
is it a lightbulb or a hue
sleep what are you>

sleep the city cover by fog sleeps no lights gray shadows tall building looming over smaller one like monsters and robots ready to leap cool gray water touched the thick cotton sky and i watch to see lights flicker on and off off and on on and off boats sail moored shrink wrapped presents docked upon the shore no ribbons but bows and my skin feels the salt air and my tongue thirst for refreshment ---- water but not from the mist or the ocean a cool clean river to walk upon yes and drink from it anew refresh

sleep are you?

plans

hub wants me to take next tuesday off... silly if i do not get monday off too... i will ask...i should not have delayed but... i will try---.it is our anniversary... i asked. what are we going to do? and he didnt say much... I wonder if he has a plan? something i should never wonder.

i went crazy last night and had all my hair chopped off... now to get the color straightened out that would be good. the bug is lingering in me...arghhhh....

change

the once tepid morning is now cool,
need of robe, hot shower
dry hair, with warmth in mind
heater on in auto
mobile, noble wind, earth, sea,
what chilly news will you bring?

given

it is 8:35 --- my eyes are barely open... chills...leg pains.... home from work which is a never... but here i am sick .... and i wish i wasnt...home is okay at least there is hope i might get better.

not picked....

not chosen, and not complaining... it would have been a two week trial i think ...or longer a murder trial... something i do not regret getting challenge for..... it was nice to get home early and just enjoy my life a little, make dinner, make a few phone calls, wow there is life out there besides work.i have three bags of baseball peanuts in my office....just the small ones.... i wonder what the shelf life is considering that i have had them here since june hummm..september ...12th almost half way through....i need to go shopping for the bub...who will be 2 wow--- and johnny will turn 9 even scarier...

let me get through the next few days as work is going to be an uproar

ceiling

the fan swirls above me as i sit half covered by a towel although the air is cool i am drying before dressing not in a hurry tomorrow the government the people's choice will take me for a few hours maybe maybe more i wouldnt mind being sequestered at this moment perhaps my idealism of the entire mystic would change if it would to be true, but i look forward to this little time to serve in the judicial system and the truth be known, i dont have to go to work. It isnt that i do not like my job, it is that right now --- i dread working with someone who really is quite harsh and i cannot get a sense of who this person is--- as if there is something else there... and then there is this other man twerp who is just so rude to me at times i feel like telling him to go ---- well i wont say it...is it i that cant stand her or is it she that cant stand me... what her truth is is beyond me. i think she is a liar. maybe i am wrong ....however we shall see

still exhausted...

i am exhausted today... still... came home and slept but not peacefully everyone was waking me up... read this, can you find this? I need a vacation... again...i do pray for a better day today.

more work and not working out

somehow my plan to join the bac hasnt worked out... i am too friggen tired...last night i didnt get home til 8, i spent the time with dd doing her hair and getting her ready for the 1st day of school. i watched a movie with her, but then i ...i... had to go to bed, i forgot that i woke up at like 3 something am...no wonder i was exhausted...and now i am still exhausted but off to work...and she will be off to school with her day dropping her at the t.... junior girl...i remember my junior year as one of my best.... go di go ...

sleep

somehow between the rush at work yesterday, and dinner, and the last quiet moment i remember feeling the softness of my husband's face... i feel asleep only to wake before the alarm, 3:30 am. wow! I was exhausted when I got home yesterday, but i guess i didnt realize how tired. I wish I felt this way every day when I wake, just enough sleep.... and relaxed as i dont have work for two and so so hours. ive had a headache for days, and this sleep... helped--but work sucked yesterday, it just really did.

half tellers

once someone said to me, only show half your ass, or in other words never tell the entire truth, or story or what ever it maybe, this way you can cya, or cover your ass, or leave a door or window open or something like that....but throughout my life, i have never been a cyar... I can be brutally honest, and even more so, say things at the wrong time, and then again, i am anot keep my mouth shutter..or nkmsr. now... what is the point of all this? if you cant tell the entire truth than why bother to tell anything at all> If you tell the story so changed around and embellished from the facts then it is fiction even if it is truth to you -- yes it is still fiction.... There are many truths, how many times must i remind my self of that.... but.... i have met so many liars who tell untruths for so many various reasons.... it would be nice to run into honesty someday.... it just really would be and then i would be faced with an almost vision of myself except when i am practicing the art of being a half teller, cyar, or even a kmar... or even a nkmsr -- git... what is that again?

tired before i begin

went to bed early and woke a t 1 am... now i am up for work and Mikey is just coming in... college age and only in the collage of life..yes deliberate typeo ...yes i make many... i am exhausted and now have to go to the grind --- arghh why think of them...f has three days off... i will get 2...yahoo... holding my own thinking... fearful of the month that are going to follow

one day left

I count down the days, well the last few days waiting for August to end and September to come in... What am I waiting for I wonder as the 6th will change the quiet of the last few weeks with the D going back to school...and then Halloween will be upon us, and Thanksgiving and Christmas all over again...

I will turn 50 in between all that and my dream was to take a cruise to some place hot without any kids to harrass me, but i dont see that happening with all the has happened this year...so again it will be postponed to something else. I am going to look into last minute trips, but our passport or rather lack of them even though i filled our the forms a year ago...well they still haven't been done...arghhhh... this weekend will be a good time to get them together....everyone has all kinds of plans...i just plan on staying home and enjoying my time off...least i forget the shopping trip with the d...oh well there goes my pocket book.

August 29th

Labor day weekend is coming... it is going to be some time in work, no one has been in.... those that do come in work like dogs...it sucks.... but we continue on.

S says she has a new puppy, i couldnt deal with one....i forgot to ask if yk took sugar to the new house.... I need to get into focus to take care of myself... so much work...oh well... September is my favorite month....wow...

Bubbins goes to the Beach

I went to the big beach with Grammy. The beach is not a pool. The beach is the ocean and the water is very salty. VBlahhh.

Grammy said, "The beach has waves." I waved to it a few times, but it kept waving and waving and waving. I guess the beach never stops waving.

The beach I go to has very soft sand and a sand bar. That means that the water is not too deep most of the time for little ones like me.

But today there was a lot of seaweed along the shoreline. There was brown seaweed with little bulbs on it. There was skinny grassy strappy type seaweed and there was also big leafy green seaweed. Grammy said there are all kinds of seaweed. She said some people eat seaweed. "Ick" is what I say about seaweed. It tried to get me a few times but I pulled it off of my little feet. By the time I left the beach I was no longer afraid of seaweed, but it is still "ICKKKKKKY."

When I was swimming in the water with Grammy, I saw something scary. It had two arms that went up and down in the water, it had a squished face with one big square eye, and it had a tube that stuck out of the water as it moved its arms. I was scared at first and held Grammy tight, but Grammy told me not to worry, that it was a person snorggling. I watched as the snorkler swam this way and that way. Soon I was saying hello, but he didn't hear me.

I also saw a buoy in the water when I was swimming. It was white and red and blue. It bobbed up and own in the water. The buoy tells boats they cannot come any closer. It also tells people they cannot go past it. The lifeguard always blew his whistle and waved his arms at anyone who went out to the buoy.

At the beach there was a little boy from France. I know this because Grammy said his parents spoke French. I said hi but the boy didn't understand me. We had the same shaped pail and shovel but they were different colors. I had a purple shovel and he had a purple pail. I had a blue pail and and he had a green shovel. We both made sand castles with our pails and shovels. I stepped on all of mine. He left his standing.

Grammy and I walked along the edge of the water where the waves come into the sand. We were looking for seaglass. I found no seaglass, and Grammy found only one piece on the entire beach. It was brown and looked like a seahorse. I found lots and lots of rocks, little rocks and big rocks, gray and white rocks, black rocks and brown rocks and marble type rocks. I found so many rocks that I could not bring them home. I left them in a pile for someone else to play with.

I played, ready, on your Market, get set, and go, at the beach. I ran from the big rock wall to the blanket over and over again. Grammy said most of the time you cannot run at the beach because it is too crowded, but it was okay today because the beach was not crowded. Grammy even let me jump on the blanket. It was great.

In the water at the beach there were boats, motor boats and sailboats. The motor boats made funny noises and lots of waves. The sailboats just floated along.

Above the water I saw two planes carrying big giant flags. One was about lemonade and the other was about sharks. I did not understand them at all.

After awhile it started to sprinkle, Grammy said we had to leave before it poured. I don't know why as we were getting wet anyway.

I love the beach. It is the ocean.

for Little R. 8/26, 2007

lament

the night once a deep blue sea has turned like a black crayon covered by film, watched and waxed, fine filtered fog finds the morning
wet dripping in gauze, the sun is hiding, the moon is too
leaves once soft and supple are tough and aged their lives cut
too short soon they will turn and fall jumble tumble
they will be raked and bagged and burned and buried and jumped into
not necessarily in any order the little shelters built only for a month will be
crushed and regenerated into the land building soil and garden and hutch
like a movie set and just as expensive because after they fall they are useless

The Bubs FIrst Adventure

Sunday, Grammy came to pick me up. Just Grammy, no Papa, because we were going to the cape to visit my greater Grammy, Great Grammy.

I fussed a little bit about half way down, but then Grammy and I began to sing songs. We sang The Three Little Fishes, and Willoby Wolloby, and my very favorite of all Bingo. I love that clapping.

Just as we were almost at Great Grammy's, the Papa car had a problem. The brakes stopped working. Grammy drove slow, and then we almost rode into the house, just kidding. We made it okay. But, we didn't get to go the the little beach because Grammy had to get the car fixed and find a way back home.

I played with Great Grammy in the back yard. We played three ball, and one big ball, we played with rocks, and best of all we read my picture book. I counted all the fishes, and told Great Grammy all my colors. After a while we went into the house because the sqeetos were coming out and we don't want to catch EEE.

Grammy had to get a tow truck. She was on the phone off and on. I played with Great Uncle Jim's little chair, and Grammy's little chair. They are both over 45 years old. Grammy's is a rocker. Great Uncle Jimmy's has no rockers because he rocked them off when he was my age. That is what I heard.

We waited for the tow truck. I played the piano. Grammy told me,"One finger, One finger." So that is what I did. Plick, plunk, tink, wink, plick, plunk, but every once in a while I've have to let those keys have allllmy little fingers and, "Whump" or "Tinkleingunk" would come from the piano.

The big tow truck arrived. I watched the man load Papa's car onto the ramp truck.
"Bye," I said to Papa's car as he went away.

Great Grammy drove Grammy and I to the bus stop. I fell asleep until it was time to get onto the bus.
Grammy picked me up, I saw all the people, I was so tired they looked like a bunch of monsters on the bus. And it was FULL - Full of Monsters! I was so scared I started to scream and cry. All the monsters on the bus looked at me. They had mean faces. Grammy held me tight so I would not be scared. I closed my eyes and slept on Grammy the entire way home.

When I woke up at the bus station all the monsters were gone. They turned into people again. I was happy.

That was my first bus ride, and what a ride it was.

Little R The Bubbins August 19, 2007

morning

seeking quiet --- everyone is up.... i am still tired as i stayed up way too late -- the Cake is so thoughtful of Pugsly... now if he would just stop lifting his leg.....

I cannot believe it is August 18th..it seems near impossible, Dianna will be back in school in three weeks... and I who was going to do something about taking a class has yet to do so... God it will be tough I havent been in school for over 5 years.... Is that Possible? I have to decide what I am going to do... now... wow...

I will have the Bub tomorrow and drive his mother back home ...I will see how that goes.
It is fully how G and I get along... omg.

quiet tired

Friday, G is going to nights, EB is mine for the day. Work is crazy and I've been a yoyo.... oH WELL give me strength...to think about other thinks.

back at the grind

it's been less than a week and i am back into the grind, i also blew monday off and was told Tuesday that I was needed to work at least through September... Mondays off goodbye.... it was nice while it lasted. my main intention is to get out of work on time instead of being so late everyday ... it crimps the focus on what i can do and what i can get done.

Di is now a junior as she passed her math ... She did do her work and I think it was good for her. Next year will be easier I hope except for the fact that she is talking about going to college in Canada... this college thing will be a lot of work, and alot of travel as we will probably start visits after January....She goes from one extreme to another about where she wants to go to school, so ... oh well, i will look at the positives.

Summer is winding down, not so many days at the beach this year, and a lot more dificult having no time to myself on Sundays --- but then again, the Bub, is growing in leaps and bounds, he calls us on the phone now, and he is just a happy special boy...

And the Cake, how he is just the most precious child growing into that inbetween age, and how he has grown with his friends and the time he had spent here this summer....

life is good....
oh yeah

back at the grind

hot hot hot....im melting

Went back to work after a fab vacation mostly spent at home, but F and I did venture out to Mohegan Sun for a lazy Sunday alone ... It was really a fun evening... and we got to hear Eric Burdon and the Animals sing.... House of the Rising Sun, F's song that relates to his upbringing...and It's my life... lol and just a lot of fun music while we gambled away a few hours.
Probably the funniest part of the evening was when I decided I wanted a player's club card... I went to the desk and was told to "wait there" by the girl at the kiosk....however you spell it...anyway... I said after 5 minutes ..is there a problem.... oh, she said to me, there is a problem with the computer.... so i said... really? as others had come and gone.... and sure enough...along comes a security office.... hummm, i said, what is the problem...and i was told i was banned from the casino...... I said vehemently, I've never even been here... true true, and then.... away i had to go with the security office... where i was checked out...and vindicated --- innocent of the charges....apparently there is another person in Mass with my name and in bad standing.... hummmm an outlaw of some short... So I laughed at that one, and of course F thought it was unfair as he came to rescue me and we lost our place in the free line...

the ride home was dark and creepy for much of the time and we got off the road to get gas and ended up in a small town that came right out of a horror story...we laughed alot and hurried back home

...i know i probably wont go to Mohegan again... Foxwoods is far enough and they are supposed to be building a casino in mass...

my friends at work say suffolk downs...uh oh... that makes me nervous...very close to home... and to my employees...

temptation ...oh yeah

work work work

I've been back to work only a few days and they have been hectic ones. Injuries to employees and paperwork, discipline and other various tasks constant ... at times i just hate it, but other times i love it. what is wrong with me?

alas, had a long conversation with my older sister about our Mom's health, and she and I agree on many of facets regarding the comings and goings of her health care. i feel vindicated in my feelings regarding the discussion with my brother.

My boss gave me tickets to the up and comings at Fenway, but no one is available to go ... so I guess I will give them off, perhaps another time... too bad St is down the cape, Dd is working and I refuse to go with Mugsey.... Fred cant get time as he took time earlier this week....oh well...I will give them to PB i am sure he would love to have them especially since his tickets are not in the same row...weird....

working on my novel finally -- i think i am stronger now and can deal with the rereads etc and the work involved in making it a better read...who knows... it will be an accomplish ment if i can work through each section and complete it as I never seem to be able to get there...but hopefully ....i will find the strength some place.

the big boss said if i look into classes he will investigate and sign off because i want to finish my masters but it is just too expensive so ...perhaps perhaps...

for now the laundry is cooking and so am i ...

Perfect days

This week has been 7 days of laziness watching movies and just doing what we or i pleased. I only drove D to school three mornings...lol so that was a bank error in my favor for sleeping late. I never usually sleep later than 4 am so it will be difficult returning to work because i have been sleeping til 7 and today it was 8 ... long ago in the days of old i remember sleeping til noon... i wonder if that will ever happen again, my clock as just about everything else has and is constantly changing.

Fred turned 55 this week and had a fantastic day. All the kids were here and then some. I even went and got the Bubbins. He takes so much pleasure in seeing everyone enjoy themselves in the pool -- and this week they all have. We didnt get to bed til near 2 in the morning.... If only we could live like this all ways...

Cook outs and swimming day and night --- nothing could be better than that in this steamy weather. easyLiving in the city oh yeah!

Faithful the book by Steward O'Nan and Stephen King has also cracked me up all week. K sent it to me months ago but I never picked it up. What a great read that I can relate to. Thanks you two for some of the best short takes on the ups and downs of being a Red Soxs Lover.... and I am, I tell you I am. She also sent me a little slip that said Mothers are for loving and telling Stories... So I guess I am some kind of a mother. enough...
I cant believe it is August 4th, my sister birthday.... and I am ever closer to the big 50....arghhhh

Vacation.... of sorts

I've forgotten how easy it is to just be home and not have the morning rush, not deal with suits, and stockings, and shoes. Not worry about my unkempt hair.... and shower without worry of time constraints.... it is all too short a time this week, or 10 days as it will be --

We took an impromptu trip to NYC, thanks to my boss who sold me his tickets to Xanadu... I wasnt sure I was going to like it.... but it turned out to be a fantastic funny show a stopper for sure....I remember the movie as horrid. The Cake enjoyed it and understood it.
Mugs whined the entire time he was with us, except at the theatre, so I learned never go on a vacation with him, what a drag...
I saved money by not staying in Times SQ, but it wasnt the same...and I will probably never do that again.

We did stay at a hotel behind the WTC site, so that was good, but very emotional, we could watch workers and tourists from near and far visit all day and night.... It just seems like a cold place, I hope the Freedom Tower will be a vision of light and least they dont forget the greenery.... it is a cement land down there... even though the water is not far, with the tall buildings gray shadows overtake all...

My Mom is fighting a blood pressure battle and I was upset with the fact that her drs. never seem to call her back for days. I made the mistake of calling my brother who said stuff to me like, You should be taking care of yourself... and with that I almost blew my top and found it hard to maintain my composure-- regardless My Mother, Our Mother is a part of my life, and if I feel as if the response she is getting from medical profession regarding her problem is lacking, I most certainly will question it. From Where and what he thinks---- I do not understand. Does he think because one has children, the parents arent of concern? He said I should call my sister and ask her about the timing. And I felt so angry, what would my need be.... Why because my sister has had dealing with the medical community not communicating as quickly as she likes either... geesh... Life experience... I just have to reason that he doesnt have a clue as to what I have dealt with, and leave it as that. or rather he thinks my life is overwhelming me and therefore i am concerned about my Mother, how ridiculous.

So, He did say to me that they have a deal, My Mom. They will move to the cape and take care of her if they have to when the time is needed... OK. Therefore Mom doesnt need to leave her home. I am happy they have such an agreement, but that doesnt take away the now of her blood pressure being out of sync for over three weeks...the damage it could cause is ....i dont want to even say it.... Yes, I know she is 80... i will be lucky if i live that long.

aside, it would be nice to have just one thing happen where my Mother and my brothers and sisters will stop pitying me for some of the stuff that has gone awry in my life. Hey that's what like is, nothing is perfect and I have one thing is my life that is constant, regardless of my struggles... and that is me and my creativity... and of course my husband...who always knows where I am coming from even if no one else does.

so i have rambled on about such stuff... some things therapy just cannot change, because you cant change others you can only change your reaction to them... enough!

It has been too hot to paint ... or do much of anything but be lazy. So I am.

prevacation...

hummm... today i work and then i am off for a good 10 days...I will have to work my a-- off today but it will be worth it.
Tomorrow Steph, Mikey, the Cake and I will go to NYC for an overnight, see a show, and what else I am not sure of but something will arise... something not planned but just popped up --- then it will be work at home, our new fridge is coming monday, tuesday is Fred's birthday and well the rest of the week I will probably be cleaning and painting the kitchen.....but it will be nice to not have to work and just be home

My mom is not doing well... I am a nervous wreck... my sense of urgency is so elevated that I have to control it...arghhh... I got a key chain from one of the other supv at work..."I dont have an attitude problem, Its supposed to be like this." lol... Yup, bossy. or at least there is a correct way of doing it, then do it the correct way----

things are somewhat better... it has really been a difficult year.

when young, i never realized that as you get older, well at least for me, i am still growing...

4th of July?

Wow, another month of this year, it is frightening... i've so much to do. I canvased the fam to see who was interested in taking a cruise...d and m say no, but ha, i have no intentions of leaving them home. I have to have everyone get their passports soon... because you cant travel without them...how foolish of me to wait. Such is life.... i thought it wasnt until jan...

i am in ch again... it is okay, i am managing well... it is not too hard to manage...the mail volume is completely off...so that is another thing....i am relieved to be out of Win. There are certain people i just cannot stand over there..thank G i am gone.

plans are up and down.... weather predicting major rain tonight..fireworks..>>>.i dont know >>>> shopping... oh well have to see later.

trust

it is very hard to trust someone you know has lied over and over again.
it is very hard to say, this is okay, when you dont know if it is ok
when you have just been put some place and that is that...
i guess i will find out more as i go...nervous, you aint shhhhhh

Mom

My Mother's 80th had come and gone, in a hoopla, and hooray it was a wonderful day, the crowd appeared and dispersed -- it is so funny we are so closely related... I have two grandsons, my brother had two grandsons... my mother 4 great grandsons and 14 grandchildren and one angel in heaven, so that is 18 people on this planet... wow, how amazing life is.

work is coming along... my boss asked me if i wanted to stay in So so ville for a month...I blatantly said, you want to be rid of me, you think i suck...i really need to know if that is the case..he said no...and told me why he brought me... the bottom line was i said i would do whatever he wanted me to do, but to wait until after Saturday to make the decision as they dynamic will soon change. He agreed. whoa... did i say that? it is a lot less stressful -- but .... who knows..i will take things as they come.

removed

removed from the old and in with the new
removed from what i feel
removed from the space that could be
removed about the remiss
removed as in moved again, and again and again
removed as in rubbed out, it wont happen, it will happen
removed as in let me stand back and see what is the truth
removed as in truth is not always just
removed void the context of what was and what will be
removed replaced reestablished redefine reentry
of what

ole' Fireball

Tonight I look out into the yard
and it is vacant of the old soldier that
once owned it.

Pugsley lies with stretched out legs, his paws curled in, head
sloped to the deck boards. He misses his friend.

We will all miss Fireball, good ole dog, died at the age of 18.
well taken away and put to sleep as he wouldnt eat, or drink, his legs moved
only on quivers.

Dear Fireball, you were a good ole boy. We loved you.
Rest, and play in dog heaven.

sense

change again, and it is fine by me, i will be going to another city for a while which is a challenge but i will get to do what i like to do best, but there is a chance that all could change, i hope not, i am only too happy to oblige my boss and go with him on this detail.... what i have then left of me, is a bit of me, struggling to get time for itself and none ever available. the baby is coming over today so that will be a full day for me. and then work, and the trying to tie off the loose ends i might have. i will take everything with me, i dont trust a soul in there. so be it.

life sucks and then you die

this has never been a favorite tag of mine, some where a while ago, this was brought to keychains and bumper stickers...how depressing and how cynical we all are...but, right at this moment i think things couldn't get much worse for me mentally... f says he wouldnt have made it through..and my job, what can i say, that sucks too... no conforming... yup that is what is going on. push on push back, yep...so it goes. not fun, just flustering fuming and a bit of flaming.... yup
tomorrow i am glad i have the day off ...field of dreams day at Fenway, my poor Soxs... boo hoo... they are tired and need to regroup!! come on guys...get it together!!

stand up /stand down

if i were to tell my mother, i wonder if she would have a heart attack, so i will tell her, but after her party. the kid and his gf, well it has all caught up with him and her, and now, they are in the pen, my husband is without his big tv, i am without any jewelry of any value, his sister is without her diamond from her ex. and we are all a bit broken and fractured from the past .... and the present, i pray he gets some help now. the fbi and cops i guess were ok. hubby spared me from them...but not the kids, who found themselves home and they came into our house, without knocking and well..it has just been perhaps one of the most horrid days of my life. the tears finally came, and like the rain that happened today..they flooded my face, and i realized that i as explained it to his sister that a great part of my choking on my words was the strong sense of relief i felt...but then again i had such a horrid day at work, my boss on his ramage...and me again at the end of the page .... beaten up again... so angry...my job and the po...this just totally sucks again...

My Mother's recipe

I lose things.... i just cant keep myself together sometimes, and i just lose things....
but i am never going to lose this recipe because i put it everywhere...so today, since i am baking it, i am putting it in here.


Blueberry Cake

1 1/2 cups sugar
2 cups of flour
2/3 cups of shortening

blend into small piece
put aside 3/4 cups of mixture for topping later...

add to the original mix

2 tsp baking powder
1 cup milk
1 1/4 cups blueberrries
2 eggs

blend gingerly
mixture will be slightly lumpy

pour into 8x8 inch greased and floured pan

drop blueberries on top if you want a few extra

bake 350 for 40 minutes

pleasure and pain ramblinds

Last Sunday the "girls" in the family that were interested (this does not exclude those that are miles away and couldnt have made it without paying airfare)....... got together at the oldest of the J' sister's house to work on my mother's surprise scrapbook. June 13th, Mom will be 80 years old. I consider that I will be 50 and think, Geesh, I really must keep living or else I will be done and never been cooked. So this week I lived a little in a short span of space and days.

Thursday was the duo birthday, two oldest turning 29 and 26 respectively... but Friday was the youngest first prom of two scheduled... thursday... the birth date, i spent 8 hours at work, 6 hours shopping and 3 doing hair. Went to bed at 1, up at 4:30, dragged myself to my job, left at 11:30, shopped more, drove to the North End with all the necessary trimmings the youngest wanted, returned to the homestead to cook and clean and get ready for a birthday bash, small intimate, and without a doubt one of our best. Giant Lobsters... over 10 lbs ...a piece and what a feast... so was the joy, so was the passion, the pleasure, the release... but throughout the evening out side the door stood the oldest with his gf... in and out, oppression, for us, anger for him.

he was excluded, the child looking in, as in the story of the children from Weathering Heights...or the cat, left outside, while the dog is pampered inside the house, or even still, the poor boy lookin at a vision of how it could be if he were different... it was cruel, some would say how could you? but we did, and we had to, a lesson to teach...trying a new thing? Prayer, if the entire world were to focus on the drug addicts and the drinkers of the world for just one day, would the thoughts pervade .... entwine and save one, one thousand... one thousand men women .... Americans, how many are dead across the world now, internal wars are big and small, yet each a significant statement, one line or a book, they both rage on, i rage on now... could write more, the paradox... the ying and yang, the ....

I have that on the list now to bring to Mom, one giant lobster for her birthday gift. So...in the midst of happiness is the opposite, the midst of despair, my son, lost cometh and goeth as he pleases, fights day and nights, waking to find him sleepin in the recliner chair, his gf stashed beside his bed, "Why wouldnt she sleep on the bed?" I asked. You sneak into the house, and sleep, "You think Im going to scream at you at 4 in the morning? She is not a dog sleeping on the floor!"
I've given you hundreds of dollars this year alone, I cant do it any more. I cant and I wont," I say it again and again.
The youngest boy says, "i can't live with you, with him here, fear."
I say, "dont go, and he is not living here, and why should i explain myself to you, and he isnt living here, and he isnt allowed to be here, he just comes here, we make him leave time and time again, ripping opened my guts on the floor, stepping on me, on them, on and on, over and over.

I am maintaining that all this is not going to kill me, or my spouse. however, it does make it easier to close our bedroom door and lock ourselves in and leave the world behind. It just does workfor a few hours, yet we do not sleep through the night, neither him nor i, we are plagued by reflux and leg cramps, and nightmares-- we keep trying though

.... this weekend, i finally have 2 days off...i will clean my porch, f will open the pool, and we will tender to our homestead as best as we can, weakened from the war ...

the world is at war .... with itself, nature ...killed by man, man killing man, children killing...child killing parents, killing family, it is a silent killer,
this country ...what does it stand for? what is man'kind's commitment to man. Men, Women our sons and daughters, nearly 1000 more dead in a year from the war, how many dead from the killer, heroin, what are the statistics... burn the field, shoot them dead, how many would there be, like vampires i once wrote, 6 years ago, and it continues, in to the night they draw blood, and leave behind someone broken or something broken into, stealing away, to ease their pain, that persists and grows with each waking moment, death just a knock, prison just an opening, and families, passing through invisible doors, never framed paths --- they never realized existed, the products of pain seeping through the flesh visible to doctors who treat them, knowing there is no end, only death, or a new beginning...
it is easier to take the same path, than to proceed on the new one
the old path is well worn, you know every corner, every rock, every stream to freshen up, every rain storm, and every hurricane,
the new path, is one taken slow, watching out for mines, you may lose a leg or an arm. you may lose the life you are trying to save.
is there any hope? the youngest son keeps his eyes opened at all times.
lying awake like waiting for the bomb to hit the house, there is not shelter here.
the war is taking its toll.

pleasure

here is the Bubbins a super lad having fun at Great Grammy's at Christmas time

New York City I am an addicted and not ashamed to say it, tourist.

Where have I been?

It is a couple of months since I've stepped inside here. Too much stress going on. job home. i guess it is life. the surgery has worked out positive. so far so good. i didnt realize that it took me longer to recover than i thought, but that is ok...

more on the positive... my little vacation to NYC what a blast we had... If I can afford it we must do something similar every April vacation! whoopee... anyway i am going to try to post a few pics something else i havent done for a bit.

life takes hold of me, the rain comes down, the red soxs continue to give me joy, and all else is wonder... wonder why, wonder why not -- not much free time, not much energy... but lots of love, lots of joy, and lots of learning everyday. -- cant complain.

it is May 15th, my nephew's birthday, Happy Birthday ....

Soon school will be out, but things for me wont be that much different... my sister is coming up and i told my boss i need all my ns days in july...so i will let her know Wednesdays will be a visiting day for me. Vacation will be the usual week at hubby's birthday space. 55 ...wow

age: something that everyone on the outside sees but your insides dont