November closing

This month started with a death and ended with a death... death is so many things, you can be alive and experience a death within your own self. My son I think he welcomes death but is just aftaid to do it, is that a horrid thing to write...yes, and it is even a more horrid thought, but after some of the communications we have had over the past couple of weeks I feel that...he says no, he is going to make it, and i pray for him that he can, i pray for him to have strenght because it is going to require a tremendous amount of strength... his patterns are so long and grooved within his life...he needs to change them and i dont know if he can. All I can do is pray. Let go let God for the rest of his life. There is nothing more I can do.
Sick to my stomach still... and gained 2 lbs, how is it possible. Really going back on the carrot, yogurt, salad diet...no choice. When I am stressed I gain weight from thinking, ridiculous.
Back to the horrid job, with my horrid boss..ugh.
and then onwards thinking about christmas and looking for a bit of fun.
alleulia is that how u spell it.

morning

hello morning that i am choosing to not shower before getting on the computer and blogging
hello morning that i am choosing to have a slice of toast and a cup of coffee before starting my day
hello morning that will soon find me in the shower, and blow drying my hair and running out the door to a job that i hate...at least at the moment...
it is unfair the way they are doing things, just completely unfair...
my son ....my eldest son ... had brought us into the the world of shadow again... and cursed as i feel because of his addiction, angry as i feel because of it too...my own family that one i grew up in, they just haven't got a clue. they do not know of the torture or the resentment or the horror that we have lived through and under, and i don't want their sympathy not do i want them to try to understand because their pity doesn't make it any easier, or thier horrification makes me angry ...it is a disease and it grows into being one, a need, as i wrote years ago, it will be him against it and there is nothing i can do...he cannot make it here we have been here too many times, and this one is the last, because i can't take it, it is just killing me and i dont even want the holidays to come but i have to put on that smile and do it and get through it when i would just asoon lay in bed and just stay there and let the world float on by

so much....

Sunday November 27 ---- I think I've made it but then something happens...and here I sit with a million things to take care of. I don't know when I'll get to see the Bub again as the gf is being a jerk and they actually have both been jerks for a while, not the Bub but the mother and father of the child. Why must I forever fight this battle? A question that I can't answer because I could just not bother, just not care, and not fight at all --- would that be giving up and giving in --- Is it my own stubbornness that keeps it all going on? Another Christmas and wow --- I'm just feeling so sick. I knew it and I said it, and of course denial set in around the house, like something shrink-wrapped with Teflon or even encase in formaldehyde....just disgusting my heart is ripped to shreds again. And the disappointment, the worry, the feeling out of control is back. I try to let go of the anger but I cry.
I try to let go of the sadness but the anger comes back and then I just want to fight.
I work with unscrupulous people sometimes. I want to shout at them and tell them off but I don't ...8-9 years until retire ment....am I going to make it? Doesn’t seem so far away really.
guess ill go make breakfast. just want to scream

John and Mom

Mom and cookies mmmm

Thanksgiving

Alastair's Turkey Bone

lament or not

it's after 530 am and i shouldnt be here writing but i am... so much crap...so shall i feel sorry for myself or move on... i am certain i will feel sorry for myself but that doesn't mean i can't try to move on..haha
we had a great great thanks giving turkey yesterday which made the dinner fantastic....all day was good til about 6 and that is when everything changed. Im going to make plans to go to NYC my hip is killing me I hope I can make it. I just don't have time to finish this now as i must go to work..i have had so many thoughts in my head and then when i get to write them down it is not the same...
i lost a very good crying song that was erased because someone called my phone while i was blogging that is eating at me...have to keep everything on the notes and email...always a lesson to learn.
another year gone by really sad...even with all my thank full ness. arghh

Lost post

Trying to get back to my crying song

Cry cry cry baby cry
Don't be afraid to let the tears come down cry cry cry
Sometimes you needs to cry just let the fall from your eyes
I can hear your tale I can hear your wails
Don't think that I can't see you
Don't think that I can't imagine you
Just know that I am beside you
Guiding you

Be strong even if you cry
Be stronger than you thought I was when I died
Cr cry cry
Dry tears and smile

Ong. It was erased. So p offed

ugh ugha ugh

trying to be upbeat considering
ugh

My Mom is depressed...very difficult for her...she wants to drive and she should have had me drive with her yesterday....I wish I could buy her a little car that is what she needs.... sooo frustrating....so worried to my stomach...She wants to be at home and She wants to travel but she is afraid to go alone. I wish I could take her but I can't ... I just don't have the Funds... That being said...here i am at this computer i have 5 minutes before i have to get ready for work...
my son has driven me mad again...for this i do not know what to say..he brings it upon the entire family--- i am sooo pissed is it ever going to stop...really God help me and help him...He needs to find religion I swear.
They could all use a dose of it...belief in something stronger than themselves...I trully believe that if you want to have children you need to be responsible for them, not have someone else
and what is he teaching his son...going in an out of his life days are like weeks to kids... i am just so pissed.
well happy thanksgiving ...i am thankful for many things but right now i am just tooo angry and I am thankful that i can admit that too.

Tuesdays

Tuesdays with Mom, like Tuesdays with Morrie, not
That guy is not the only one with claim to spending Tuesdays with someone that he loves.
Sooo tired today and I have no clue why
Watched the Patriots..awesome win after loathsome start
hahah
having pie and coffee for breakfast then off to the cape...
car doing ok just still needs a good cleaning

I feel so happy to have my own mechanic, is that ridiculous or what...but really it is a trust situation, you have to trust your mechanic to not screw you...which would be very easy for me because i know nothing about cars and i do not want to know anything about them...why should I have to know about cars when i know so much about so much other stuff... it is something i choose to be dumb in...know nothing say nothing
last night all the kids were here, there was no fighting and that was good -- some times they bicker and that drives me mad but otherwise when i woke up this morning i had the same sensation i had as a kid, safe, warm, comfortable, i heard the mother telling her son to get up...(i was so glad it wasn't me)
for so many years i had to get people up, now i only have to get myself up, it is easier to just get yourself up then one or two or three or four...i wonder how i did it, i wonder how my mother did it...7 kids my lord!!!

Funny husband

Came home from work
Made my own dinner as usual
Kids asked me ffor something
So I said- gheesh. Come home after work and shopping. . Order my prescriptions. Cook my dinner run out and get the meds. And Fred pipes up. I guess your wife sucks. And I cracked up. Yup guess so

more about time

Let’s Have Coffee
there are people who like coffee, people who can take it or leave it, and people who can’t stand coffee, just the smell of it makes them sick.
So let’s talk about coffee, DD, Starbucks, Honey Dew, Marylou’s, name the coffee place and I’ll check and out and give you the view.
First and foremost, not all Dunkin Donuts all the same. Some Dunkin’s just don’t make the grade, on the other hand every Starbuck’s I’ve ever been too, consistency, they have it. Except for the Starbucks at the Hotel in the Marriot at Niagara Falls, not up to par, but then again the hotel had just opened.

Time goes by and stuff happens, just stuff
Everyone says, what happened...and the reply is....
Life gets in the way...
Life can be solo---life can be joint, or joined, life can be great and you give and give of yourself to certain ways and goals, and then things change
And that is gone but what is gone is filled up by something else
And you say... what happened how come we don’t talk anymore>
How come we don’t see each other any more?
Because it is not convenient...
Many friendships are friendships of convenience...they work when you are there together by fate but when the wheel changes and everything moves on often those friendships are left on the sideline...
Some friends you will have forever
And some friends you might find out were never really friends at all
But some friends when you don't get to say good bye to them because you have grown up or gone away or they did...
and then you find out that that person is dead, it can just be really really painful
This year I found out 3 people my age are dead, I never got to say good bye or hug them that is what hurts the most.

staying up too late

have been staying up late, watching the football games this week... must knock it off and do some stuff...just lazy i would say...trying to relax after work is difficult adrenaline pumping...but here i go again for another day and this one looks like a late one. ugh...so be it.hopefully it will change is all i can say.
and im am done with the c brothers.

The rain comes down I hear crackling and plop and patters. I hear running in the gutters the street table rises and the sewer fills pushing back I'm crying because he is trying to make me do something I don't want to do I feel like the rain on the earth going down the gutter

The rain comes down I hear crackling and plop and patters. I hear running in the gutters the street table rises and the sewer fills pushing back I'm crying because he is trying to make me do something I don't want to do I feel like the rain on the earth going down the gutter

J

Coffee

Had a nice coffe with bl. It was too short though. Have to plan something elses

November 15th

mind not completely there... sister coming in from hawaii and i thought it was today but it is tomorrow... Tomorrow would have been or is Connie's birthday... it has been over 13 years since she passed, and 14 since my father --- when you love someone and you think of them passing on, alot of thought are postive, you think of the things that drove you crazy and you laugh, you think of the things you laughed about and you laugh harder, you think about the struggles and the strife and they aren't so bad. it is all over when they die, or is it...
i don't believe it is,
there is spirit that lives on,
words or mannerisms,
glimmers cast your eye,
a glimpse
you've seen before in another --
tears shed like dew dripping in the woods wet
the mist coming from the pond
mourning you
i care not to
but remember you as the smile
and the fighter that you were

Monday Grind

So back to the job, and still sick, exhausted and would love to just take a week off, but it's not going to happen...arghhhhhhh
i wish the mail would calm down so I can get back to my life. I don't know if it is going to though.
Cold has come in and I have a chill...
So let's have coffee or tea if you will

found poem

Morning Walk

Daylight sun-up slacks pressed for lover
Little black pug sits in the kitchen chair
Waiting for his mother ---

She takes the jeans from the bedroom floor
Crinkled as they lie, an accordion
A snake curled, unzipped fly….

She dips her feet into them, pulling up, they slip over her skin
Without any panties there, thoughts of a warm shower
Don’t take the stale ones, save the clean ones for later.

In the pockets are slips of paper, a few pennies, and a nickel
But in the back, there is a bulge, a bulbous bump
She reaches in and her fingertips are greeted by coarse giant pebbles
Slip into the pocket by a tiny hand.

She smiles, she remembers, and she cries inside, she fears for him,
Worries, he is only part her child. If she could fix things and
Make them right she would, but she can’t change your Daddy
Or your Mommy… Each thinking what each other could or should or won’t do
There is no compromise.


jwillard july 10,2004

for my Johnny cake I love u so, I’m sorry you have to go through all this. Grammy

still tired

still tired and not well
long day and i should just be in bed.
i want to quit my job and run away to where it is warm and where it will stay warm. im tired is all i seem to say

Tummy ache

Tummy ache tummy ache please go away
Tired of the monster scratching the inside of my belly
Tired of the gurgling groaning and moaning
Afraid of the nausea and headache that woke quit. Go to sleep wake up still queased
Go away please please please

Halloween

It is Halloween and I have no candy...wowo..
not like me at all, must hit the store sometime in work I guess.
My boss will be back today, not something I am looking forward to but none the less done.
Tomorrow is November 1st and Thanksgiving is not far away then Christmas, what is happening...
Time going by way to fast. just WOW

sat

Have been thinking alot about Christmas... what to do, it is at my sister's and i hope things go well there. I wonder sometimes but that is all i can do wonder, spend my entire life wondering...wandering thoughts that do not make sense some home come to me ...very intense.
i don't hear voices, nor see ghoasts, but words come through me like waves touch the coast,
today is just another day, Saturday but it is blue, because it is getting chilly out and my stomach is aching me too.
spent the day in bed yesterday, but it hasn't changed a thing,
i want to climb back into it and pretend that Im a Queen,
churn churn goes the knots in my belly, and I would really like to cry,
but i won't
Ill dress and ride and take that climb to where
there are bratty men that today I just might chide.
and a couple of women too!

Feel better oh how i wish

Ugh

Have the day off and nothing is going right. Sick in bed. My heart hurts too. Left my meds in my car which I am afraid to go into after being sick in it yesterday. Cleaned it up but some smells don't leave their nests. Maybe take it and get it detailed. I do t know. Just wish things were better. Too emotional and need to not cry

Katelyn, the Bub, Heather Halloween 2011

Al

hooray for Thursday

I have tomorrow off and I need it...I think I have a cold which is not good.
Just tired and runned down. Ive been going to bed but the stress at work is kicking my ass...arghh...
today is another day with the brats. and my boss will be on my ass again..blah blah blah ...
it is not an easy job. oh well...
trying to save truck 61...that's Billy Nevulis's job. I wonder if it can be done? why not? ops blah blah blah...
not looking forward to the cold I really don't feel well enough to handle it.

morning

It's 6:52am been up since I can't remember, early early, and I don't have to work. Going to the cape but need to do a few things around here. Told Fred, D died, and he said, D isn't anything,he is dead...just seemed a cold and cruel thing to say. What did he die of a drug od? really sometimes he can be a jerk. get over it. Life goes on

Life Goes on I cant go back to my future and the beyond to whereever this tact is taking me...to get in a sailboat and float then fly with the wind and seaspray in my face.ok.

let's go

Funny

Funny how ruffled and rippled people can get when you say. I love u
There is all kind of love and most of it is pretty good. I don't get into the bad love scene. It is a waste of my energy

Truth

I feel sorry for anyone who has no faith as to believe in the collective conscience. It truly exists

just messed up

Monday and I'm going to work, life goes on and that is how it is... tomorrow I will go to my mother's and do what I have been doing for a while now. She needs to get stronger or else she won't have the life she wants. She is working on it but it is not easy.
I on the other hand am just floating along, days and nights, sports suck lately --- they have me depressed to say the least. I haven't changed not one ioda and I do not think I can nor do I really want to. I need more energy that I do not have so be it.
It is messed up. What I wrote and then what happened. I need to let it go and get back to it. I can't change anything If I don't change. So I will and that will be it.

It is cold all ready. I hate the cold.

Sunday

The weather has turned fall is definitely here. Nice day for driving the sun is out and it is warm in the car, not open air though too cold on the legs.

mind crippled

my mind is not thinking clearly too much stuff from the past
ghost like and odd...
let's have coffee she says and i think yes we should
but then i think what for
we are in the same place but different directions for so long
what would be the point,
rehashing the past not worth it
i have too much positive since then
no ammends were made there, it all still confuses me, was i that warped
or what he that mad, as insane, unalbe to talk
i dont know and i would like to that is a sad question
a very sad question that cannot be answered because he is dead now.
live long and prosper that is it
dream on in my heart i know what went on
if you call me i will be there he said
i never did so i don't know
there was no point to it
a friendship i would be denied because of my chosen life.
rip

ouch

sick to my stomach...so much to do at work, would rather have too much to do at home...funny how when someone dies that you never made peace with it can feel uneasy and questionable...like what happened there. oh well life goes on.

November 3

Dark morning dark day light and lift and melt away
come into the sun come into the shine
come into the light and let's go for a ride
all I think of doing lately is driving the Mohawk Trail.
I wonder when we will

November

Was down the cape, Mom seems tired. I want to give her a pep pill but I dont know if that will help. SO sad leaving her and she is not in a rush to have me go. I don't know what to say or do. She would be better off if more people were around her like in the summer, but I have to work. How do I convince others to take her out and keep her busy. I might call senior help in Falmouth today.