sept 10...

well well... today is the day before the wedding... all things must be packed and ready by 5pm our leave time... it should be fun to say the least if not interesting aside.

the best man severed his tendon in his finger creating a chain reaction of events... as he was a driver and he can no longer drive...so my brother is now picking up the slack and driving for two...so i will be worried all day....driving back and forth and round and round is not my cup of tea...

a good drive is motoring to a place--- pondering the roadside along the way, relaxing in the mire of the hills and curves and traffic if you must...and then you arrive....to the comfort of the place you've anticipated, even if it is a crowd such as in times sq, at the stadium, a sandy beach, overstuffed chair, bed or the arms of someone you love --- greeting you...

turn it around and travel home

home sometimes unappreciated... and why... housework...if only we had maids... too much commotion.... so many children.... but those are the things we love too... clean house and bright smiles.. and a dinner table with stuff to chew on...mentally and physically...

since i am avoiding all the things i must do by writing here i must say adeiu

thrusday

so very tired today, those 12 hour days kill me lately... lots to do between work and getting to the drs and finishing getting ready for the weekend...Mom has decided to go with my brother to the wedding... i would have liked her to spend some time with my family but it is her choice and it will probably be better for her.

i feel a slight change in the weather ... a bit cooler but i think i will survive...only 12 days til f and i take off and try to relax ...there is always a crisis here it is very exhausting.M has a job interview ...i hope all goes well...and then there is school for di tomorrow... i dont know what is really going on... i worry every day my stomach churns and i wish things were easier in the world... the world isnt nice...if you are one who never has to struggle you are lucky...i feel as if my entire life has been a struggle... and that kind of sucks... it shouldnt have to be that hard ...it shouldnt....
found out Andrew likes to paint...that is funny...not many men admit it.

sept 8

i missed yesterday,
but i wrote for 2 on the day before
is that cheating?


i am late this morning, lethergic, no desire to battle with those who just dont get it, why no do it in 8 that's it

anyway,
the wedding is just two days off... i am working only today and tomorrow then i have a mini vaca with the family...
i hope they have resolved their issues enough to be together for so many days.

it is different...adult family, adolescent family, young children family, tween familys...they all have different dynamics...
and i wish i didnt have to go to work as i could stay home and get stuff done...but that aint happening...
on ward

goal

my fiscal year.

write everyday even if i have nothing to say
even if there is no inspiration
even if it is insignificant
write
here
on paper
something
play

labor day

Morning...
starts slowing
sunshine slipping through the window
swaying sway sill in the pool deep
breath
scent soothing lotion peppermint or roses
on the feet
dew --- the grass newly cut
sausages frittering in the pan
eggs rolling over
muffins brown edges waving
white plates silver clicking
coffee and juices and conversation
lingering on the best of days
long hush why don't you stay?

September

This has always been my favorite month, the heat of the summer usually wanes, we close the pool, kids go back to school, even though there is more traffic in the morning, the days seem less crowded and the nights more peaceful, restful...this summer was the busiest summer on this homestead.... between people moving in, the 90 degree temps and the availability of the dinner table, the house has been jumping: nine for dinner nearly 5 days a week, the pool being used at all hours of the day and night, and the air conditioners pumping... whew... i am taking a deep breath....

the best view of this summer has been the watching of my morning glories that blumed slowly, lack of rain most likely the culprit.... but now they'r in full blume and every morning when i leave for work they are there to greet me wide awake --- a treasure to my eyes...

august 31

last day of the month and i have barely written...all year really.... there are so many thoughts but never that easy time of pen and paper..just busy busy busy all the time...last night sooo tired just dropped to the sheets... chivalry ---that is what my husband needs more of... and right now im not changing that song...if i wanted to be independent and self sufficient i would just be that way...there is nothing wrong with helping someone out.. too much stuff going on and i am stressed..i hate my nerves when i am stressed...ladda ladda

shot nerves

my nerves are shot, but for no reason except for the changes around here... managing but would be easier if i didnt worry so much... going to the airport to pick up Jeanne from Hawaii... nice vacation for her so i am glad... i think sometimes the perfect vacation for me would to be to just go away to a beach by myself... but now i cant even sit in the sun after going to the beach with Jo for 3 hours i got a nice burn..not a bad one, but red and i never get red... perhaps i will be totally brown by the time i return to work...

Ricky got a job and starts today, i am a nervous wreck... Mikey is challenged once again with his sybling rival...oh my i wonder how i will make it...oh well got to get into the shower..and fred has awaken... i dont want to miss a minute of not having to work...silly but true.

June 10th...

a moment of alone time because i need it, i just do...
very sad...
Aunt Ruth died... 83 is a good life but she was sick for 12 years that is a long time...and my Dad well he has been gone as long so perhaps that is why the hole feels very vacant very sad... I barely saw my Aunt Ruthie but when I did she always told stories that made me laugh...and I remember when I was very young going to her house and they always had snakes, turtles and other creatures my cousins would collect and store on their porch and of course I would always hang out with them.... Then they moved to Scituate and we didnt see them much after that.... i dont know ---things change--- life goes on...let go let go let go....

none of my brothers showed up at the funeral, Jeanne and I and Mom of course and it was just too fn sad so many memories
my cousin Danny said he didnt realize that my Mom was from the old neighborhood, how little he really knows --- do they ever talk?

all my cousins have the white hair...they all have those blue eyes like my Nana and the family just looks so much the same and just older

another day will go by and then another and I wont see that side of my family again until there is a death at least that is the way it seems ..its been a dozen since Dad died.....it should never be that way.... it just shouldnt and i dont really give a damn what the rest of my family thinks, my brother and his wife are anti family snobs and some day it is going to hit them right in the face because something is going to come along that they wish they were invited to and they are not going to be invited because why invite those who think they are above the rest. that is not charitable but it is just the way i feel.

God Bless my god son Brain a great kid he give me hope

May 20th how can that be

I can not believe it is the 20th of May... wow... Ricky will be home on or about July 19th so that is Two Months... I am behind in everything. Sunday is Steph's bd party and then she will be 32 on Monday...and Ricky will be 29... on Monday too... I remember when I was 32 that just seems impossible to me.

Went with Steph to Open Door last night. We had a good time...

Have to go to the hospital today for the halter...I wasnt going to do it, but I suppose I should for safety sake. I dont want anything being wrong with my heart and me just having a heart attack some place especially since things are not inorder.

I think I am suppose to take Fred's car so I best get going because I have to switch stuff around.

I wish I was still in Disney.

just another day

there is never just another day for me... every day is big... i have to live this way and i am certain it drives my husband mad... i might not be here tomorrow, i might not be able to walk tomorrow, i might not be anything tomorrow and how i wish tomorrow would never come so that i can just continue to live...

i am not afraid of dying, i do not feel as if i have accomplished everything that i should have while ive been here as me, but certainly i have accomplished much so if it were my time to leave then so be it, i would not want others to grieve for me so much as i would want them to remember me

but anyway the first day off ive had in ages it seems even though we went to Disney and I did have a couple of non work days that were of course scheduled with activities, well...it seems absurd to me that my husband would not allow me to go visit my mother, your car is not fixed...oh yeah i forgot...good enough for work not for travel...and again, ride my bike..disallowed...someone might knock you off it... so now i am in a bad mood..this really has to stop...overprotective husband... i said, you will let me go to nyc alone but you will not let me ride my bike which i havent been able to do for 10 years.... arghhhh... something has to be done...

it is now after 3 and my day had been impeded so much that i am exhausted from the disagreement... i will ride my bike, i will and i will find a way...the bike rack is coming out of the basement and then he wont be able to say a word.

least i forget to mention, he did say a little at a time..and i do agree however, i dont need him sitting on the front steps watching me like i am a 6 year old...help save me from the retireee not nice but i must vent dont worry i am emailing this post to him.

another little disney movie

alittle disney movie

Mother's Day

Well today is Mothers Day...a day to celebrate mothering-- ... not just a day for mothers etc... anyway...yesterday a trip to Derby Street.... I guess I am a snob...there is nothing like classical music being fed through the open air as you stroll....

Fred and I went to the Summer Shack which has bad reviews on most of the web sites I have read....but I liked it, of course we did not go to the one at the casino or vacation hot spot so maybe that was the difference...

The clam chowder was brothy, not alot of cream --- excellent... and the full bellied clams ( I ordered the starter --clams only --- no extra stuff that I couldn't eat anyway ) were light and not overly breaded...Fred got the fried chicken, they made it to order....steaming even as he bit into his third piece....tasty.... He passed the wing onto me knowing I am partial to wings...mmmm tasti-too, I shared a few of my clams.... i must stop excusing my bad dieting...

We went into Williams and Sonoma.... and bought a donut cake pan...20 bucks..two pans --- 1 cake mix makes two cakes... or one big huge one so silly that i would not make it so big....so i created a chocolate sprinkle cake, a glazed cake, a coconut donut cake, and a rainbow sprinkled choc frosted yellow cake...what we are going to do with all these cakes i do not know...

We went into Brighton Collectibles where I tried on a perfect neckpiece that is now in my jewel collection along with a fantastic bracelet Fred picked out and earrings.... so it was a spending day but it was fun...now onto the big savings plan, tuition coming up soon enough...

on the dark side I worked over 54 hours this week for the kitty... and next week looks almost as bad but with two college tuitions to pay I must take it when it is offered...

It is a blustery day here... I dont know when I am going to get my journal from Disney blogged...when i read it I laugh...i guess it is great to be able to laugh at ones self...

and a few more unedited pics

WDW

morewdw

Dreaming on ward

WDW?

upon a dream
a dream vacation spent with our Two grandson and maybe a vacation that we will never be able to afford again, but we went with bags and baggage, youth and age, heart and soul, and the ability to go with the flow --- considering there were 5 personalities to contend with.

Some pics oh yeah....i am not going to edit them but put them in naturally for the salvation of time which i never have enough of

May 4

Today is my father's birthday. I can't believe he is gone over 11 years. It sucks and I can't help but to cry. Di's Beau got a car. Yippee for us we got a night off from driving. I am in class for three days. I hopefully will get certified to facilitate. This might give me some change. Journaling and just being happy with my life is my goal. I have to accept the things I cannot change and change the thing I can. Watching the xfiles creepy. Got to see ironman too. Time got lost. That's all

May 4th

Today would have been my Dads birthday. I don't think I will ever get over the fact that he is not here and has been gone almost 12 years. It sucks not having him around. And I can't help but to cry. Di's Beau has a car and us driving her to work. What a nice break. I went to class and have two more daysand I hope I will get certified

May already?

What a worldwind trip to WDW and what a blast...too bad i have had no time to rest since returning and of course they didnt fix my car.... this has me very cranky and upset,...oh well it is May 2nd maybe i can sqeeze in some time to myself this week as i just need it.

April and then some

quickly now for the time has come

no i havent gotten to Alice or the Titans... too busy all the time it is making me nuts...my brain is not absorbing or i am not paying attention...oh well...so here it is April and it is raining...
boo hoo

March 21

Went into facebook today, first day I've had to really go in there and they are having a day of silence for fallen heroes...ok, but i do not choose to participate... had i known earlier maybe...however i dont want my days' activities controlled by anything especially facebook...geesh... so i clicked not attending... i really dislike the things people write like...post this on you facebook --- if you dare -- leaving the dare out... blah... enough...

it is spring, Mom is home from Arizona, my starlights are grassy, my lilies are peaking out and my heather has gone from brown to brown with lavender specks.... what more sign of beauty than what is growing in my own front yard could give my eyes such joy and pleasure... I thank God to have made it through this tough winter... my body still aching but not such as before, I can only hope for more healing that i am ready to take...yes.... i can bend my knees and actually pick stuff up off the floor .... i can touch my joint below my second toe without screaming...i can wear most of my shoes again.. what more can i ask for.... i would love to be able to function in high heels? please

It is less then a month now until wdw vacation.... It can not come too soon....

yabba ....Took the bus to NYC by myself this Wednesday --- it was fantastic.... stayed away from Times Sq as the parade...st pats day --- was happening walked through Chelsea where I had never been before...lots of small galleries...and just a beautiful day.... Saw the play A Behanding in Spokane with Christoper Walken... funny and very funny at times, dark comedy... realistic...? very well acted...yes yes... and certainly could not have had a better seat then 4th row center stage...center... oh if my arms were long enough... yes it was a great day... exhausted when i got home but well worth it...

One new thing...in times sq you can go into the American Eagle and get your pic taken for it to be shown in the Square on a neon sign for 15 seconds...cool...maybe next time...

Definite wanting to see...next to normal... adams family and SHREK still....

So happy so happy it is Spring.

Full

Writing from my iPhone in bed. Fred went to get di at work. I am an emotional mess. Very melancholy today worried about everything. Ricky getting into a pre release program. Steph fell down her steps. Mickey upset that life isn't so easy for him. And Dianna running herself24 Very hard day at work and just too many feelings climbing inside the particles of my mind.
My Mom called we talked for awhile. She said she's having differculty shutting off her car. She could have a push button. Oh if I could just make things easier for her. She said she's feeling lousy and that makes me want to cry.

March marched in

Somehow from February to March... time has flown by. Fred is getting comfortabley retired --- and busy all the time. I am doing better somewhat... i hope that the next increase in my medication will make me feel even better... but at least I dont feel like i cant walk all the time anymore... postive postive... work is strange... no one communicates much... i dont know...have lots to do and will get there i am sure. spring spring please come in, come knocking today and sunshine your way into my gloom. i know heat will be good for me so please do come and stay and play.

February where are you going?

I'm in work ... well at working doing nothing now because I am all caught up on what I brought here to work on. I am job sitting as construction is going on in this building. It is a holiday, I posted signs and people are still coming in. I can't believe tomorrow is the 16th, have the month is gone with Feb only having 28 days. It is a short months. Nothing new and exciting going on ... Fred's retirement is okay, a few quirky things to get used to but I will survive. Have not gone back to the gym because I am not feeling well ... I keep hoping that something will click and I will feel better... It has to... Disney World in approx 2 months well a little more than that but not much more. All ready started making the lists on what to bring and have a sorta plan on where we are going on what days according to our dining schedules.... it will be really great to get away... have much to do but have yet to do it planning for the spring... is it really 2010... wow! i wish i brought my knitting.

sausage toe

hahah.... finally went to the drs today as my toe, the second digit, the one next to my big toe has been swollen and sore since before Christmas. it isnt my toe per say, but the bottom of my foot...near the bottom of my toe

dr mayo looked at the foot, " hum do you remember injuring it?"

"no"

"I don't think it is a fracture. It would be feeling better by now. It looks to me like a classic case of sausage toe."

"it feels like im walking on a ping pong ball"

"well, this is your toe, and this is the toe joint and this is where the pain is coming from" she squeezed my foot together "any pain?"

"no. it is underneath and at the bottom on the top when you touch it"


"i think it is psoriatic arthritis and if it is you will have to go on methotrexate"

"Oh my niece was on that for her RA"

"well it is chemotherapy and you will have to be watched"

"can't a trip to Florida straighten me out?"

"No unfortunately not, remember when Dr Quinn wanted you to see the rheumotolgist at mass general?"

"yup"

"well this is why -- you need to go to the hospital today and also get these test done today."

"Okay"

Sausage toe, I hope she is wrong. arghhhh

blogg

a post was attacked months ago...and i just noticed it... disgusting. How can i get rid of the bs

just have the blues

Fred being retired it ok. He's doing well. But I am still the maintainer of the major things in our life, like the mortgage company sending a threatening letter that if we do not have insurance our mortgage is in default. HA! This set me off, we did not ask our other mortgage company to sell our mortgage to this company. A phone call or a nicer letter would have been more appropriate. And I told them so in the letter that I wrote to them in no uncertain terms.

It would be to our own detriment to not have house insurance.... who is writing these letters from these companies is what I'd like to know. A total lack of ettiquette which is an example of the young people growing up today. No respect! Rodney where are you? You said it sooo clearly. Anyway today is another day with the BUB... Then I have to gear up for a long week of work... Work Tues, have lunch with Joe Tues, then work late Thursday... So it will be over a 50 hour work week because I always seem to put in extra time...

just too tired

I had a couple of days off but I didn't really rest, went to the gym, and was busy ... Fred and I watched the Lord of the Rings trilogy, watching inspired by our nephews' choice. It was really great, but in the middle of it all I worked over 12 hours and had to go to Back Bay and get the DD from her NYC. Which just added to my already exhausted body.

I think I am worn out from the cold and snow never mind the fact of the two broken toes and the ball of nerves collecting in the padding of my foot. Fred insists that I need to go to the drs, but I've had it with the drs. Every time I go they find something else wrong... why can't i just be healthy. Hopefully I will hear from the arthritis clinic and they can do something about the pain in my knees and legs... I wonder if I have PAD ... they advertise it on tv like it is rampant ... the determination to lose more weight just might help me even more if i can get back to the gym with regularity....

the Snow....I like the way it looks in the yard and front of the house, but my feet have been cold now for 5 days even with socks and slippers.... this makes me grumpy.

My old boss Joe called me about a job in Braintree. I am going to meet him someday for lunch and talk about it. It would have Sun/ Mon off and be on the South Shore, the drive might be a little more convoluted but it may be better than having to go over the Tobin every day which still scares me. Plus if I got stuck I could take the Train...woo hoo...I could even give up my car if I had to...

I do not know what it is about bridges, they turn my stomach over and my heart races. The Tobin especially ==it is soo dark and menacing in the morning before the sun rises, and at night when on the top it is as if a giant bird can come from the sky and scoop you up and drive away with you ... open to the nights whim.... I dont know why they are constantly working on the thing... I think just to keep state employees employed never mind the 3.25 in tolls a day one has to pay if driving into the city... avoiding the tolls cost me about 30 minutes a day... hummm it really is something to think about....

yesterday i gave my boss a taste of his own habit, emails, i flooded him with them --- probably about 25, I went home last night and was laughing about the entire situation... fearful of the repercussions today, but alas there was none, no nasty emails waiting for me in the box... yet tomorrow is another day and well.... i suppose there is Saturday too.... arghh.. i hate those emails....Joanne is on vacation...i will miss her camaraderie....but today was fun as I told Rob who was being a complete dick --- F U and that worked because he came to my desk and was pretty nice. I guess he figured out he was being a not nice word. I've had it with men bossing and pushing me around.

January 1 2010

Wow, the year is over and I had to look back at my blog to see what I was doing at this time last year. How could I forget. I was still in that horrid job that fried me day and night, employees with bad attitudes can take you down and stomp on you...that is what i learned in the year of 2008 unfortunately it took all this year to discover what i trully did learn from that experience. My boss was a complete jerk, and actually he still is, but it is not all the time, it floats from here to yesterday --- bipolar which is a term i hate because everyone has highs and lows... me too withstanding my own yanciness... and i do get ants in my pants and the urge to just roam...i said to Fred i dont think i could be retired I would go out of my mind from boredom or be poor because i would want to be doing something more than what i am doing now which of course would create what kind of expense i do not know ...today i looked for trips to london, new orleans, a cruise, and of course las vegas ---vegas is relativly cheap and i found out why ...it is only 37 degreees there....bottom line, i need heat lots of it... and that is only going to be found below the line....so i am still thinking and planning a trip... maybe a trip to the tanning salon might help because i do need that heat!
aching body and bones, tight muscles and ligaments groan
winter cold comes in and shrinks the insides of me
how i whine for heat heat heat

So now, 2010, Fred is officially retired in 2 days!!! I do not have to work... Sun, Mon, and Tues, it will be great to have some time off...just the few days.

Happy New Year to everyone everywhere.