overwhelming sensations

the squirt from an orange onto my face
the sight of an argument on the street
the smile of an old man and his hand shake
the sunshine on my bed in the afternoon
the sounds of my children
young, old, and inbetween laughing, crying, excited, and
their looks when they dont realize they are showing how happy he/or she is to see me

these are just a few of the unfelt touches that reach inside of me

should be in bed sleeping

my bed is beckoning me, come back, come back, do not go on the little machine, the big machine is consuming you lately, and ohhh how right it is... working 10 hours a day plus...
the temporary promotion is going ok... the boys' club:
clearing throat.... huuummm -- how else can one describe 21 men who fluctuate between the ages of 2 and 75 in action and 21 through 61 in age.., two women are included in the boys' club, and one woman who does the same job isn't. ---so
why the boys club?
topics they discuss daily that my privileged ears (not) get to listen to....
did you see her??
did you see the top on her
i would do her, i would do her, i would do her,
he would do her
she would do her
no, i couldn't wouldn't shouldn't do her
do you believe the balls on him?
do you believe the balls on her?
how many hours did you get?
how many hours did he get?
did you see that picture he has?
did you see that picture she has?
hang it here
did you read that article about so and so and so and so?
well i knew it was going on
im going to get wasted
im going to get a liquid lunch
any smokes?
hey did you see her on the corner?
nascar yeah!!
football yeah! ( i am included in this sport conversation)
baseball yeah! (i am included in this sport conversation)
hockey _is that still a sport?
the gas went up 15 cents this morning
now it is down 32
wait til 6 it will be up again
did you know that so and so?
did you know that he and she?
did you know?
hey how it is over there?
do you believe that one?
do I have to
I dont want to
did you see the shelf on her?
did you see her ________? fill in the blank
wonder if she is still?l
wonder is he is ----?
what balls you have!
snicker snicker snicker
I'm telling you
NO WAY!
NOT THAT!
F U!
GET F'd!
I'm outahere!


Now occasionally all 21 men plus the 2 women I work with do leave the boys club.... for a breath of manhood and woman hood and adulthood.
actually ---- When they get onto the street this boys' club, plus a few in their league, well, I guess I've got to say they are a pretty fine bunch of street walkers.

I wasnt intending to go on this rant. it just happened....so ill take it... God do not allow any lc's and i dont mean low carbers...to read this blog!

complaint of the day: I do not have a clone. How unfair! (is that true?)

brain full --- too many thoughts --- unleash the flood

I have a temporay promotion; my previous work mate, and friend, has been acting very weird. She knows that certain things are supposed to be done by the closer, yet she isnt doing them. It is a precarious situation, I will work through this, and hopefully she will change her attitude. Yea, I am not the big boss, but unfortunately I am a little boss, am I bossy?> no, do I want to be bossy?>, no, am I going to have to get bossy, Well, I think I am going to have to let it be known that I've been told certain things have to be taken care of, and they are not my job now--- just as I have been teased, dont touch it or ill write you up, then they must be hers. blah blah

trying a new diet plan as i have been going all day without eating ...breakfeast yes..i am forcing myself to eat it.... by the time i get home i am ravenous...unhealthily so... my poor body is doomed. I just dont have the time to eat.

dream dream dream
to have a personal chef, one that could make me food and deliver it to me -- and I don't mean prepacked grub, I mean fresh fruit and salads and a nice roast beef au j... ahhh what a dream..

another dream is a warm vacation, ....

but the best wish of all would be for the city to finish the construction on my street, it is worse than ever.... day and night now, and in a few days they will be digging in front of my house again. woe is me.

the petite woman syndrome boss took it pretty well when I told her that I needed to change my hours.... except of course the 1/2 hour lecture on finding a lawyer. The truth is lawyers dont like to take cases against the Federal government, they are seen as losing cases, money sucking up litagation, with everyone only getting a tiny piece of the pie ...if there is any pie at all.

well that is all i have time to let out...must get out in the big machine...

no pie... complaint of the day... i find the term "pie hole" totally disgusting. speaking of pie!

building a poem... just for fun

sometimes my kids say to me, how did you do that..does it just come to you...and i say no, it comes in phases...so i'm writing this to show them how it works... how some thoughts come about and how i might create a poem in the long run about it. so first i will free write...and later when ive played with it for awhile something different will come about...

right now i am sooo tired....my neck hurts...my head is heavy so I know I'm exhausted when I can't keep my eyes opened to watch Jay Leno's monalogue, I know I'm exhausted when my grandson has to shake me, "Grammy,Grammy" wake up. I know I'm exhausted if I skip the snooze button in favor of 15 minutes extra rest. I know I'm exhausted when I become scatterbrained. I know I'm exhausted when I cuddle up to my husband and just close my eyes and hold his hand. I know I'm exhausted when I cannot read. I know I'm exhausted if I go out of my house without ironing my clothing (no one is going to see me) this always back fires.
I know I'm exhausted when I look in the mirror and my eyes are red and think about that man at the beach with the beachball eye, gets the red out...
now the other thing is when i am exhausted i dream, which is good, because i dont sleep long enough to dream usually, but boy do i have some funny dreams... like i dreamed about getting so fat i couldnt slip by my bedpost and myhusband's dresser...which made me laugh, i dreamed about my husband and daughter... driving in her car with the sunroof open...his hair flying out of it like a suess character, and my daughter laughing at my husband's insane way of driving moving every car on the road out of the way by waving and commenting in some outlandish way.... well ill finish this later... got to drive now

new baby pic

one beautiful baby boy!

campingaugust2005

johnny camping 2005

dianna and steph dotday parade

steph, dianna, and erica on dot day 05

Spring05Mike'sshow (somePhoto updates)

mike 2005 baa graduate

New Baby

Little Ricky

Will

....

Ricky William W.
born September 15th 8:41 p.m.
8lbs 4 oz

blonde hair, blue eyes,
a little pointed head, hard delivery, but able to smile
cries for his Mom when he hears her voice
1st night midnight visit by Grammy and Papa
showed off his big smile, short grin, little groan, wriggle and big pout of his little lips
with his eyes peeking, he tried to suck on his hand or finger or thumb, couldn't tell, as all was buried beneath his t-shirt ---
the wrap around wrap up kind that keeps new babies from scratching themselves.
if not for the blue striped tag in his bassinet wouldn't be able to tell he is a boy, peachy skin, not a blemish, Eyes like his Mom's, Lips like his Dad's, and a nice loud cried to let you know he is there.

Papa was a proud papa indeed. He even held the tyke before I, I could feel him glowing with pride, just as his son....the new Dad


Got the phone call shortly after the birth, I didn't care what they named him, all I wanted to hear was that Mother and Child were fine. It had been a long night into day into evening. The Mom had an ok, but not easy delivery, much longer than any of mine, but the New Mom looked good, her face wasn't flushed, she was swollen and sore and she was surprised.

I kissed her head and said,"Welcome to motherhood." And she replied,"I'm never doing that again." My husband and I laughed. It isnt easy. Then she said, "I only had to push for an hour, and it felt so good to get him out!" We laughed again. Her happiness filled the room, and the new Dad came in with the new boy. ..., my mind wandered.... I'll get him trains, like J --- and back further to

Earlier in the night, I had been babysitting my oldest grandson, J, he was restless, he wanted to play with his trains. I told him it was late and he had to go to bed. He insisted on playing. So I said, "Ok I'm not going to lie down with you. You'll have to go to bed." He fussed a bit, then I heard him playing with his Thomass and I laughed to myself as I threatened him from the sofa, "You best get into that bed, Grammy is mad at you for making her be a mean Grammy because you won't go to sleep."
Soon, I checked on him, soundly snoring with his Koala bear beside him. I kissed him, and felt a little sad that I had to be so strict with him. He does love playing Thomas and he loves it when I play with him.

Inside my head I kept thinking of the soon to be new parents, are they going to be ok... Mom, Baby, Dad? Earlier in the day my tyrant boss said the wrong thing to me when I told her I was worried as the baby was going to be born. She said,"I feel sorry for you." a reference I knew to the circumstances of them not having a place of their own and 'life goals' for the new parents being unsettled.... and at times unsettling -- still....

I replied, "But why? I am not worried about anything but the health of Mother and Child. There can be many complications in childbirth." I shook my head and was glad to leave on time.

Some people don't get "It." "It" here being that love may not be all they need, but love is a beautiful thing. There has never been a thought in my mind that our new grandson came about because of something other than love. His life is a gift. I know the new parents have a strong love and I hope that love will bring them the strength they will need to give this baby a wonderful life.

Love is a well parents draw on when they have trouble and strife, love is what binds them to work together to create a better life, Love is not a fix-a-tive, it is an ingredient --- like water to the body, love to the soul, love = life.

Yes I know, one can not survive on love alone, but it helps alot.

More on little Ricky or Will and our visit later

real people, unreal me

Today I witnessed two -- I need a 'reality check' situations...

First, I was driving down the Avenue. Now our Avenue is 5 miles long, it goes from the Fort Point Chanel downtown Beantown to Milton where the original George Bush was born. It's famous for a bar on every corner and ethnicities... A little Polish, A little Irish, A little Indian, as in from India, a little Vietnamese, a little Greek, a little Common Ground, Dunkin Donuts, plenty of gas stations, sub shops, nextels, corner stores, and as I mentioned earlier many a bar.

About Half way down the Avenue you will find "Fieldsie"... A place my mother never let me frequent as a child, and a place I still don't frequent as an adult. None the less, many people I know do frequent this 'hood.' They say on Friday and Saturday nights you'll find the best of the best in this square...Especially
at the Blarney Stone.
Now the Blarney used to have no windows -- It was a barn like drink and food establishment, a one story exterior, with no loft. Inside you would find a mahogany bar, and lots of large wooden chairs and tables, corned beef and cabbage, and Guiness, and Bud on tap.... an Irish pub haunted by many, frequented by locals.

The no smoking indoors law created a changed: indoor bars famous for their food and regulars created outdoor spaces.

The Blarney Stone took the law instride and did a complete make over on the exterior, installing windows that meet street level and rise to nearly the roof. They put in a patio, a place for smoking patrons to eat, drink, and be merry. The patio has iron gates and tables, and greenery that blocks the view from the Avenue.

They did this place over right.

Every morning I usually see the proprietor sweeping the sidewalk and the gutter keeping things neat and tidy. But today in front of the Blarney, I saw a man, with one short arm. I couldn't tell if it was short because of an accident or birth defect... His clothing was neat and it looked clean, a Red Sox shirt ok---and he was carrying a small plastic bag with stuff in it. I don't know why I noticed him. I was looking for the Blarney Stone Sweeper, instead I saw this clean cut man leaning into a corner by a Blarney Stone window. What was he doing? I stared. Poor man, missing an arm, did he drop something? I felt my nose wriggle and my face squinch, I was really really really pissed. The one armed man, I had felt an aire of sympathy for, was turning and zipping up his shorts, seeing the wetness on the building set me off.
Of course when I reported this story to others, they laughed, hahahah. "Wasn't expecting that were you?" Reality check me out please. Whizzz


My second awakening came shortly after that.

I work for Nepolianna. Many times she has said things that I've called her on, "You have spent the last 10 minutes criticizing me." Nepolianna's ususal reply, "What did I say? When did I criticize you?"

Today, I witnessed another attack of Nepolianna against my co-worker, whom I'm glad to say didn't quit, but I am very worried about her (as I am about my self after today.)

Nepolianna began questioning D about what she was doing.
D replied,
"You left this on my desk. I thought this was what you wanted me to prepare for the meeting?"
Nepolianna sighed so loud I thought she was snoring."Why would you think I want that. I am going to discuss with you" _--- and so forth went the conversation, with Nepolianna's pitch so high I thought she was plucking her vocal cords... But, Earlier my co worker had called the boss to ask her a few questions and Nepolianna said she would be in the office shortly and hung up. Almost 2 hours later Nepolianna showed up. ---- and what a mood she brought with her. Later as my co worker was crying in the ladies room, Nepolianna turned to me and said, "D is losing it. I don't know why she is so upset." I bit my tongue. Later that day ---as I am supposed to leave by 1:30.... and it was almost 2 Nepolianna said to me, "You must run, I am not the one keeping you"
"Yes Nepolianna, you are."
"No, I am not!" she replied.
And I said to her, "didnt you ask me to do this at 1:29 when you knew I was due to leave."
But she didnt hear me because she didnt care to hear what I said. By the time I walked home I was stamping my feet like a child, I was just p.o'd. Why am I doing this to myself. Reality check me out. time for a little fantasy...I am going to do something drastic this week I can feel it. Skipping spell check ...maybe later.

little face

little one awake
your face says hello
you look ready to come
into this world

i see wonder
i see surprise
i see your dimpled chin
come now, we are waiting
with open arms
and great big smiles

it is amazing what new technology can reveal : )

Patience...

My daughter in law is over due for her baby. She said she thought he would be born today, but I said, "I am hoping not"; September 11th is like Pearl Harbor Day, but then again, 12- 7 --- was the date my husband and I started dating, and it was the date my father died, so maybe 9-11 could be the date this new life comes into this world.

I think when an important date comes into your life, it can be born into it. A date that you remember easily is a new life, a new home--. But there are some really important dates that just get tangled up into others. I am trying to figure out why this happens. Are those dates less important than others?
No, but is there something significant we do that determines days and dates that are remembered or saved and others discarded or forgotten or saved but just not mentioned..... is this determined by some extraneous calendar-- trained thought release... arghhh

Some 'times" are days that become muddled, like what day did New Orleans become a puddle? and what day did New Orleans fall and fail....? and what day, was there one specific day that this anarchy just happened.... it didn't happen in a day, it didn't happen in one night, it took a while...how long was the while ...the 4 days it took the ships to get there... ludicrous.... I have been reading so many papers on line --- so many good writers. So much tragedy, in so few weeks. I connect myself by reading, then disconnect by writing. I cannot write about it yet. I can only say one thing that I know is true. Some times people ignore "things" because it is easier to ignore than to make "good" --- am I talking right or wrong here? Patience, I remind my senses, look for the good -- it is there.


meanwhile back in this little world of ours...
My husband was watching TV the other night while I was babysitting. After I got home and into bed, he said, without any prior conversation, "They had the most ufo sightings in July of 1952. I could be part alien."

I felt myself grin,"that's all right with me," and we went on discussing intelligent life elsewhere...
later I reminded him, "I certainly hope so, I'd like to meet your real family someday." and we laughed. So I am married to a half-breed, part earthling and a seed from someplace else...

meanwhile my husband says, "we are on the edge," and it is true, as we are waiting for this baby to come, it is almost as bad as having one on the way ourselves. Patience patience....

To distract myself I am writing way too much foolishness, and avoiding house work..... which now I have to do.... Oh close the pool too.

Kisses (bad poetry) but fun

Kissing
Inspired by the radio… 100 top sexiest “things”…
Kissing was #1.

Personally, I think the sexiest thing is “The Look” …. However…


.

Kiss - Kiss - Kiss

Kiss Hello
one cheek, two
on the hand of a lady
the head of a child
the lips of a lover
the lips that smile
Kiss Good-bye-
On finger tips with a wave
blown in the air
over space.

Kisses kind
There is the peck,
Platonic, and then--
the slip
the tongue
the longest
wet, and succulent lips
mouth, neck, ears, eyelids
opened closed and round about
mouth to mouth
kisses melting

Hersey’s Kiss
Kisses silver
Kisses gold
Kisses clover
over and over
and over

Firsts Don't last

One child in high school
Three children home
Two children grown, not on their own
One grandchild
One daughter
One snuggle on my lap
One question
One statement
So many tasks
Consecutive days of First
Days quickly pass.

Firsts

Yesterday, Johnny started First Grade
He came to the house before school, but I missed him because I was still sleeping. He returned after school. He came over to me and put his head on my lap,”Grammy.” He wanted a snuggle.
His body seemed long, tall, his hair a darker blonde, cropped close to his head, longer than it had been,
in his white shirt and blue pants he appeared grown up,
not little anymore, a boy ready to explore, but the little one in him needed more, a warm lap, and a big hug.

Last night, I waited for him to come from his father’s.
They pulled up in the other Grammy’s car. As he stepped out,
he looked like a baby again, innocent face, thin arms and legs, blue cotton button shirt, crème colored safari shorts, and new white sneakers and socks. He hugged me again. I dragged his little bike upstairs, he rode it for only a minute as he said, “I can ride my bike without training wheels, the one at G’s,” he said.
I asked, “Did you ride it today?”
“No, I guess Daddy, well I guess,” he never finished his sentence and I didn’t ask.
“Daddy had Kim’s car today, but I wouldn’t ride in it. I don’t want to ride in Kim’s car.”
I didn’t ask him anymore questions. Maybe he wanted to keep his thought to himself, I don’t pry. I try to listen.
We read books; he took his bath, and made formulas.
We played Thomas even though I told him I didn’t know how.
We moved around track and set up the bridge and he said,
“See, you know how, you are playing Thomas!”
It was a hard for him to settle into rest, he tossed about on his bed, had a pillow fight, rubbed his feet against his dresser, stretched out his legs and his arms, “Keep the light on Grammy, I’m afraid of the dark”. Night came. “Maybe you should put out the light.”
He said it was a good day.
I hope day 2 is just as good.

This morning, Dianna went to school, she took the T. I am pleased. I need her to get her self there and home again, that drive was killing me.
I took her picture. She posed, “You haven’t taken my picture in ages.” Not so. She just forgets.
She has a purse this year.
“How do you carry a purse and a back pack?”
Suggestions:
“Put your back pack on your back and pick up your purse or put it into your back pack, what ever works for you.” I didn’t noticed what she did with it.
I think she is carrying it on the side.
I remember my first great pocket book, a saddle bag with two front pockets, a rich cocoa brown that went over my shoulder; I was into browns then…. Brown is coming back in---
Here, at home, I am, alone with the dog snoring, one son sleeping, not looking for a job, waiting for his child to be born, other son over his friends, the group of them are contemplating joining the service. I begged him no.

One child in high school
Three children home
Two children grown not on their own
One grandchild
One daughter
One snuggle on my lap
One question
One statement
So many tasks
Consecutive days of First
Days quickly pass.

whimp whimpers

September came in, I noticed but didn't. The world news, home news, family news, all news: grim, flooding, homeless, cancer, "the, you'll never be normal again," "i have great admiration for you," speech from a doctor who misdiagnosed my lyme disease, and still has yet to read my chart about my back surgery. "Massage therapy would be good for you, if you have the time and money." Massage therapy is great for everyone, Too bad I have neither time nor money. I need a note for work, a prescription for therapy, and my medication, too. I left the doctors with none of those things.
I have no idea why I am such a whimp about my own needs. Speaking up is what I need to do.

old love, the m word, and Smurfs

My kids say we suffer from old love. Arghhh they say, "you are sick,gross, you are old." I say everyone should be as fortunate as my husband and I. As we have grown older, we've grown closer: possible because we don't and never have played mind games with each other. We talkalot, we also struggle to communicate, and listen with out hearing at times, at other times we know what the other person is feeling because of the body language or the sighs or even the quiet, sometimes we just communicate with our eyes. it happened over our 29 years of marriage--- well almost...

Today is another sad Sunday for me because the man has to work, I have the day off. Sometimes it is okay, butsometimes it isn't. We can never just take off for a weekend. We can never go to family functions together and we rarely entertain as we used to because we don't have the same days off as other people. He saw it in my eyes this morning, my red eyes --- the sadness, the longing, the love.... he left me his car, his ultimate sacrifice, his - i want you to have a good time--- i do...but....

We do have our children though who entertain us immensely --- and whom we are trying to figure out how to escape from at times because children, even grown children don't realize that sometimes the parents need space. Anyway, I will be traveling today with my daughter and grandson --- I don't know if I will come home or stay overnight. Why am I so undecided? Because I would rather be home with my husband, but he has to work, so why bother. I never thought that being married would mean we would see less of each other. Marriage complicates things because you can no longer just be lovers, you become tagged, labeled: husband, wife, workers, parents, father, mother, dishwasher, laundress, shoppers, chefs, greens keepers, pool man/woman, dog walker, fish feeder, turtle tenderhearted, garbage man/lady, accountants, mechanics, computer junkie, junkette, coach potato, and lovers. I think I will just keep that last thought in my mind, although we are all those other things, above all being lovers keeps us together, it is all the trapping of being married that keep us apart. Whew hah!

an observation:
just something my 27 year old daughter mentioned the other day....
about those Smurf from years ago. "Times are different, no one commented on Vanity Smurf, how he was some what a gay smurf, and what about Smurfette, the only female smurf. What a slut. How do they make Smurfs anyway?"

more no reason

There was a time in my life when I thought that everything happened for a reason, every reason had some explanation, experience; every experience, Karma, good, bad, but never indifferent. Today, I don't believe this anymore. I believe experience teaches, but not that every "happening" is for a reason. Stuff that happens for no reason serves to show that there are times when control cannot be achieved, and prevention doesn't always work.

Not all is as it seems ---how many times have I read or said this?

Apparently healthy young people can drop dead for no reason at least until an autopsy proves otherwise. Apparently, thin people can be very sick, and fat people can be healthy.

My mother always said, "Who says life is fair?" "noone"

Life is hard, filled with choices.
Life is what you make it

My back is fr---n killin me.
I make choices to go on living.
My sister has cancer, she's battling.
She has to make choices to go on living.
But she has the right to share her feelings
they shouldnt be negated.

I wish she would come to Boston for a second opinion before she makes any drastic decisions.
decisions decisions decsicions
reasoning
that is

another learning expericence

New Orleans, Biloxi Ms, Alabama, all hit by a storm, all suffering homelessness, lawlessness, and fear rule. babies cry and die, mothers tears that can't be wiped, older folks without thier own... who what where when and why?
I asked my son, would you like to go and help, I will pay your way. No Ma he says I couldnt I wouldnt know what to do. I said, Someone will help train you.
I wish there was something I could do. I pray, I send in my thoughts strength. I send in my heart love for strangers to give them faith so they can go on until they can feel safe. Will they ever again?
What will they do, the government?
What have they done?
Not enough, but it will come. Please believe. I want to.