i wonder as i take this path if this is a mistake... like so many of the mistakes one makes but --- no one forced it upon you...
everyone in my station likes me, the carriers are good to me and even when they are messing with me, they still like me.
i dislike some of them because they try to screw with me, me being new, but it is just the way it has to be. i am so tired of having to not deal with them on my own basis.
now mike d seems to like me just fine. so i dont know what i did...tb has been different to me though. so .... something must have happened either inside his head or else where....
barbara has always been nice to me.... we did never go over my evaluation but hey what can i say....
now that jerk sj needs to be proven wrong... i just cant wait is all i can say.
bring it on.
one day left in the station
thank god...
but what ever nightmare i might enter ...that i am not too sure about.
Wednesday, April 26, 2006
Tuesday, April 25, 2006
Tuesday
got through the day--- it is true I am so unhappy, js is correct about that, but why wouldnt i be unhappy with the way i have been treated.... Fred is supportive but then again he is not in my shoes and he is just not getting my own reservations about the entire situation ...is it worth it... he says money...i am thinking more like moving out of the cs position into one where i dont have to deal with the carriers .... i am sick of the entire facade that is coming about through this process...suffering for sure. i dread graduation... f.this i feel like saying
getting by
well i was almost axed from the program. my coach who is supposed to meet with me a bunch of times during this process did not approve of my promotion. it went before the board and they voted ok to let me pass with reservations. i have my own reservations. but i am going to be quiet still....and just go in an do my best to do a good job, i dont know how i can learn anything from someone who doesnt see that he doesnt want to teach me. i am the loser though because i do not have the power that he has ...or bc had that obvicously went elsewhere. but what hurts me, what truly hurts me deeply is that my integrity has been questioned. And I said that to my coach. You have questioned my integrity. That bothers me. It is going to be a long day, and Valerie says, I have been labeled. I think that is absolutely true, by whom I do not know. Censured is what should be written. No new job is easy but i am worried about selling out my soul. more because i am not recognized for what i know but what i dont know. and well i just cant believe dg said anything bad about me..
Saturday, April 22, 2006
Training I dont wan
Training I don’t want to forget
More of THE FIRM
I have one week to go in this program. I am a bit dismayed for I am wondering just what will happen to me. Will I quit? Will I be assigned an early or a late end? Will I end up in a big station or a small station?
It really doesn’t matter to me, for the truth is I will still just be only an ASP graduate, but I will be a “real” supervisor which has been my goal since deciding to try to get into the program.
I feel lucky that I was trained by Dawnmaire my first few weeks as I really had a lot to learn. She was patient with me, and also followed protocol that we were taught in class. But the last few weeks have been a horror show for me, first being put with Brian Coyne who flunked someone out of our class, and then tried to flunk me too, because I dated to say that every station was different.
Now here I am again in a situation that I have tolerated but certainly have not excelled in. The first day I was with Tom B he trashed my class Too many ptf’s that don’t know the business. I know people who have been 204b’s for 5t years that were not taken into the program….etc. How much am I supposed to just say ok ok….
And stuff was brought up---
Information about our class that only people in the class could or should know. Humm, who is the informant.
Then of course, Janet Gomes flunked out. “She’s the first one we’ve lost” Yeah, well what can I say. I don’t know why Janet didn’t pass, she only needed a 1. In my mind she either wasn’t trained or she just blew the test. TB and all the other supervisors talk about the financial supervisor all the time behind her back. It is really disgusting. This is not a good place for me to be but I am just going to deal with it.
Week 2. More of the same, questioned without being taught. Not allowed to really do anything. David Y the manager was leaving. I requested to do a service talk, No one said wait, The entire episode was chaotic. Tom B spends most of his time in the office and on the phone. He bangs the desk with his fist while working things out on paper, he’s actually pretty scary. Not someone I would call for help. Jim Holland reamed him for inaccurate projections. I need to learn that stuff but he is not teaching me and that sucks.
Office hours change, street hours never change. I don’t make myself clear enough. How can I when I feel so intimidated. I am putting on the face and going with the flow as soon as I graduate I am going to get someone to teach me what I need to know. Right now I am just going to put up and shut up, I’ve been in enough trouble.
God help me is all I can say.
Week 15
This week has been a nightmare. I called ville the week before trying to do the right thing.
Barbara have a nice vacation.
Do you want me to work Saturday?
What time should I report?
I was informed that Jillian was shooting her mouth off. That the manager of Cheut Hill was brought into pedc.
My thoughts, Well what do you want me to say?
What happened?
Well that girl has just made herself a bunch of enemies.
Ok Tuesday reported to work. TB says nothing. He is at the supervisors stand up desk instead of the office. I go to the computer in the office and start some morning work…The printer is not working. I go to the stand up desk where Tom tells me we need a new cartridge etc….
I ask--- How is everything?
Good.
What’s going on?
Not much,
Tom works the number in Tacs and Doir. He says nothing to me.
Later he asks, “: Have you done an 1838?” Yes I answer. He takes me to case--- you’re going to count out Keefe.
It is 7:30 the carriers are coming in. He counted the mail etc. I start the count down I am working. Jen Bren prf comes to the case instead of Keefe. I still count her. She declined to count herself. It is about 8. I go to Tom and Mike DeM at the stand up desk. “You are going to work the floor.” Tom B says.
I ask well what has been done, what has been put into Dois. He says all the paper work is done. I really dislike this man; he is just not a good trainer. Great Supervisor, no doubt but not a good trainer. Just like Be Cy, knows the job but doesn’t know hoe to teach it. Arghh more of the same shit…
Later I go into the office TB is in a snit about having to change and adjust clerk schedules because the other supervisor, who was a clerk, doesn’t do her job, at least according to TB.
The oppression I felt was horrid.
At the end of the day, I spend time trying to pry open TB’s mind. We have a talk that I think he productive.
I found out the only reason why I was on the floor was because Jim Holland called. He wants to know if you can work the floor?“Well” I asked, “What do you think?”
“I don’t know.”
Well that was honest, how could he know. First of all, the first two weeks in the station I followed Barbara around like a puppy. The carriers even made jokes about it. But hey, that goes with the territory.
The next week, Barbara let me count mail and work with the carriers, but she sells the time, and when she is off one morning as I was selling time, Mike Do takes the clipboard from me, like I was doing something unthinkable. The look on his face was one of horror. I know they are thinking, she’ll sell out the ship. There was no feedback about anything. I request my evaluation from BH two days in a row, Friday and Saturday….and was told, don’t worry about it. I will get it to you.
That week was ok, but Barbara didn’t have me do any of the time changes that are regularly done … ? Nor could I do the schedule, “Not my schedule!” she said.
What am I supposed to do? She also said, “When I was in training I wasn’t allowed to do anything?” Hummm what is up with this…. I hear that a lot.
There is no consistency in the program that is the truth about the trainers…..
Anyway…Back to TB -- so how could he evaluate my floor performance or any of my performance… So he let me know that I was going to work the floor and he wss going to be hard on me.
So yesterday, he reamed me for not pivoting because we had 18 extra hours in the office. And I didn’t even ask him, why would I ask him anything, every time I asked him something he seemed annoyed. When I asked him Thursday what his impression of the day was, he said he hadn’t made the decision yet. We were under in DOIS and I knew it. But I just let it go… I had saved time even though I had to run the list. Did he say anything to me on Friday, no he didn’t. He looks at me as a lesser because I was a clerk, not a carrier. What a big head this man has!
About the 18 hours, I would have loved to say to him, well let me see, you did the schedule, You called in the entire F set to cover the day when you didn’t need to. If you hadn’t called in every person I could have pivoted people, but You called them in for 8, and you think I am going to send home the two subs who get the shit end everyday, That would not be how I treat my complement. For another fact, You think that I don’t know that Ed L was on a tirade in ally 58 because of the steward election. I was down there, but I did not intervene, I am only here next week, and it is not my place to get involved in something that has been going on in this station for months, and this employee felt obligated to voice his opinion. That is necessary for the work force to be able to speak.
So then he went on about the mail flow, hey, I was paying attention, I was the one who made sure Dale was going to do the hub, I also didn’t answer about the iop report because if I said that to you again, I was afraid you would take my head off again as you did a couple of weeks ago.
More stuff was said this week about my class, and about Jillian. Really I felt like saying, you are so big headed….. TB the great! whooptido
However the same courtesy is not afforded to me, for I don’t even have as much power as a 204b, I cant go out on the street and do any kind of street work without someone, I can’t do 3971’s even though the manager told me to do so, but I didn’t say to him, Mike I cant do them, T B told me so. I am so sick of this.
He says I miss volume but I didn’t miss volume: they inflate their volume, they also don’t count their curtailment. I am so pissed right now it is not funny. I need counseling from this. Is this the way it is going to be when I get to a station?
If my manager hammers me because I mess up, fine and dandy, but my trainer hammers me without me messing up, or about me messing up because I go to him or I don’t go to him. Geesh. God help me!!!
My trainer is not training me, he is testing me. Had I know I was going to have to jump through hoops, I might not have even bothered to try to succeed. My entire disposition toward the program has changed. It sucks.
My friend is also complaining that they too are not getting the training they need.
Some are left to sit and do nothing, others are told to do mundane tasks. Others are told to be quiet. Others are told you don’t cut the mustard. When I get through I am going to write something about this to the postmaster. I best wait for if I open my mouth now they probably won’t pass me.
It is the FIRM
More of THE FIRM
I have one week to go in this program. I am a bit dismayed for I am wondering just what will happen to me. Will I quit? Will I be assigned an early or a late end? Will I end up in a big station or a small station?
It really doesn’t matter to me, for the truth is I will still just be only an ASP graduate, but I will be a “real” supervisor which has been my goal since deciding to try to get into the program.
I feel lucky that I was trained by Dawnmaire my first few weeks as I really had a lot to learn. She was patient with me, and also followed protocol that we were taught in class. But the last few weeks have been a horror show for me, first being put with Brian Coyne who flunked someone out of our class, and then tried to flunk me too, because I dated to say that every station was different.
Now here I am again in a situation that I have tolerated but certainly have not excelled in. The first day I was with Tom B he trashed my class Too many ptf’s that don’t know the business. I know people who have been 204b’s for 5t years that were not taken into the program….etc. How much am I supposed to just say ok ok….
And stuff was brought up---
Information about our class that only people in the class could or should know. Humm, who is the informant.
Then of course, Janet Gomes flunked out. “She’s the first one we’ve lost” Yeah, well what can I say. I don’t know why Janet didn’t pass, she only needed a 1. In my mind she either wasn’t trained or she just blew the test. TB and all the other supervisors talk about the financial supervisor all the time behind her back. It is really disgusting. This is not a good place for me to be but I am just going to deal with it.
Week 2. More of the same, questioned without being taught. Not allowed to really do anything. David Y the manager was leaving. I requested to do a service talk, No one said wait, The entire episode was chaotic. Tom B spends most of his time in the office and on the phone. He bangs the desk with his fist while working things out on paper, he’s actually pretty scary. Not someone I would call for help. Jim Holland reamed him for inaccurate projections. I need to learn that stuff but he is not teaching me and that sucks.
Office hours change, street hours never change. I don’t make myself clear enough. How can I when I feel so intimidated. I am putting on the face and going with the flow as soon as I graduate I am going to get someone to teach me what I need to know. Right now I am just going to put up and shut up, I’ve been in enough trouble.
God help me is all I can say.
Week 15
This week has been a nightmare. I called ville the week before trying to do the right thing.
Barbara have a nice vacation.
Do you want me to work Saturday?
What time should I report?
I was informed that Jillian was shooting her mouth off. That the manager of Cheut Hill was brought into pedc.
My thoughts, Well what do you want me to say?
What happened?
Well that girl has just made herself a bunch of enemies.
Ok Tuesday reported to work. TB says nothing. He is at the supervisors stand up desk instead of the office. I go to the computer in the office and start some morning work…The printer is not working. I go to the stand up desk where Tom tells me we need a new cartridge etc….
I ask--- How is everything?
Good.
What’s going on?
Not much,
Tom works the number in Tacs and Doir. He says nothing to me.
Later he asks, “: Have you done an 1838?” Yes I answer. He takes me to case--- you’re going to count out Keefe.
It is 7:30 the carriers are coming in. He counted the mail etc. I start the count down I am working. Jen Bren prf comes to the case instead of Keefe. I still count her. She declined to count herself. It is about 8. I go to Tom and Mike DeM at the stand up desk. “You are going to work the floor.” Tom B says.
I ask well what has been done, what has been put into Dois. He says all the paper work is done. I really dislike this man; he is just not a good trainer. Great Supervisor, no doubt but not a good trainer. Just like Be Cy, knows the job but doesn’t know hoe to teach it. Arghh more of the same shit…
Later I go into the office TB is in a snit about having to change and adjust clerk schedules because the other supervisor, who was a clerk, doesn’t do her job, at least according to TB.
The oppression I felt was horrid.
At the end of the day, I spend time trying to pry open TB’s mind. We have a talk that I think he productive.
I found out the only reason why I was on the floor was because Jim Holland called. He wants to know if you can work the floor?“Well” I asked, “What do you think?”
“I don’t know.”
Well that was honest, how could he know. First of all, the first two weeks in the station I followed Barbara around like a puppy. The carriers even made jokes about it. But hey, that goes with the territory.
The next week, Barbara let me count mail and work with the carriers, but she sells the time, and when she is off one morning as I was selling time, Mike Do takes the clipboard from me, like I was doing something unthinkable. The look on his face was one of horror. I know they are thinking, she’ll sell out the ship. There was no feedback about anything. I request my evaluation from BH two days in a row, Friday and Saturday….and was told, don’t worry about it. I will get it to you.
That week was ok, but Barbara didn’t have me do any of the time changes that are regularly done … ? Nor could I do the schedule, “Not my schedule!” she said.
What am I supposed to do? She also said, “When I was in training I wasn’t allowed to do anything?” Hummm what is up with this…. I hear that a lot.
There is no consistency in the program that is the truth about the trainers…..
Anyway…Back to TB -- so how could he evaluate my floor performance or any of my performance… So he let me know that I was going to work the floor and he wss going to be hard on me.
So yesterday, he reamed me for not pivoting because we had 18 extra hours in the office. And I didn’t even ask him, why would I ask him anything, every time I asked him something he seemed annoyed. When I asked him Thursday what his impression of the day was, he said he hadn’t made the decision yet. We were under in DOIS and I knew it. But I just let it go… I had saved time even though I had to run the list. Did he say anything to me on Friday, no he didn’t. He looks at me as a lesser because I was a clerk, not a carrier. What a big head this man has!
About the 18 hours, I would have loved to say to him, well let me see, you did the schedule, You called in the entire F set to cover the day when you didn’t need to. If you hadn’t called in every person I could have pivoted people, but You called them in for 8, and you think I am going to send home the two subs who get the shit end everyday, That would not be how I treat my complement. For another fact, You think that I don’t know that Ed L was on a tirade in ally 58 because of the steward election. I was down there, but I did not intervene, I am only here next week, and it is not my place to get involved in something that has been going on in this station for months, and this employee felt obligated to voice his opinion. That is necessary for the work force to be able to speak.
So then he went on about the mail flow, hey, I was paying attention, I was the one who made sure Dale was going to do the hub, I also didn’t answer about the iop report because if I said that to you again, I was afraid you would take my head off again as you did a couple of weeks ago.
More stuff was said this week about my class, and about Jillian. Really I felt like saying, you are so big headed….. TB the great! whooptido
However the same courtesy is not afforded to me, for I don’t even have as much power as a 204b, I cant go out on the street and do any kind of street work without someone, I can’t do 3971’s even though the manager told me to do so, but I didn’t say to him, Mike I cant do them, T B told me so. I am so sick of this.
He says I miss volume but I didn’t miss volume: they inflate their volume, they also don’t count their curtailment. I am so pissed right now it is not funny. I need counseling from this. Is this the way it is going to be when I get to a station?
If my manager hammers me because I mess up, fine and dandy, but my trainer hammers me without me messing up, or about me messing up because I go to him or I don’t go to him. Geesh. God help me!!!
My trainer is not training me, he is testing me. Had I know I was going to have to jump through hoops, I might not have even bothered to try to succeed. My entire disposition toward the program has changed. It sucks.
My friend is also complaining that they too are not getting the training they need.
Some are left to sit and do nothing, others are told to do mundane tasks. Others are told to be quiet. Others are told you don’t cut the mustard. When I get through I am going to write something about this to the postmaster. I best wait for if I open my mouth now they probably won’t pass me.
It is the FIRM
Monday, April 17, 2006
more of the same
went to class today... of course there were the same issues...
reminders that we are still trainees and expected to behave in such a manner
reminders that we have yet to graduate
it is bull shit...
threatening is what I call it
again not allowed to question, or when we question given non specific answers.
i will see where i am assigned next week i really dont give a shit what they do coz it is bs
giving someone no credit for what that person knows is a degrading and a force in itself....
and well my trainer who said ...ill give you a good one gave me a great one until she evaluated me on stuff I didnt do with her, how can she evaluate such things. Ive really had it with the entire process, and right now I feel like quitting. I feel as if I am selling my soul to get someplace... it is like academia... games games games...God give me strength
reminders that we are still trainees and expected to behave in such a manner
reminders that we have yet to graduate
it is bull shit...
threatening is what I call it
again not allowed to question, or when we question given non specific answers.
i will see where i am assigned next week i really dont give a shit what they do coz it is bs
giving someone no credit for what that person knows is a degrading and a force in itself....
and well my trainer who said ...ill give you a good one gave me a great one until she evaluated me on stuff I didnt do with her, how can she evaluate such things. Ive really had it with the entire process, and right now I feel like quitting. I feel as if I am selling my soul to get someplace... it is like academia... games games games...God give me strength
Friday, April 14, 2006
Good Friday
It is the Friday before Easter. I don't have to work having worked til 5 am... but I am exhausted even though I slept well from about 5 til 9 30... I guess 4.30 hours just doesnt do it for me anymore--6 straight is workable, even though I rested on the sofa i still am exhausted...eyes tired no energy tired, but it is really nice outside. Johnny is here for the day and being patient with his tired grandmother. I do feel okay though, 2 weeks left to the program or 10 working days. Two classroom days, 7 days in the station and one graduation day. We get to invite 2 people but I've invited only one, my husband ---i sorted invited my mother, but i dont think she really wants to come, it would be a hassel for her to come up from the cape... Everyone else has school or work so that's that's except for dil...and well, She just drives me mad. She left today before I even got up, she knew Johnny was coming and it is obvious to me that she doesnt like to share the house with the child, which is total bs because he is my grandson too And I am happy to have him here. When will she get over herself? that's what I am wondering. And actually, I wish she would get a job so they could afford to move out, but i dont see that happening either. this journal is becoming a whine mobile. arghhh.
Thursday, April 13, 2006
travel..and unravel...or raveling
humm... drove about 5 hours tonight between going to nwb nashua nwb and back to beantown.... my leg is kicking up badly. tomorrow i will have the two boys, go to build a bear and pray it isnt raining for i wanted to take them to the park. it is 2 am ...we were dimissed abit early which was good. i dont know how much more of this we can all take. two weeks after tomorrow and i have to call my trainer and Vf to find out what is going on with that. the last week we will only have two days in the station whoopee and everyone says report to new job on saturday..also take time off...well i am not putting in for time until i see where i end up and then from there. i would like to have some time off in the summer ...everyone laughs.
got into an argument with jilliam..the girl just doesnt get it... of course the state has standards of learning...i could seriously have some issues with that girl.
got into an argument with jilliam..the girl just doesnt get it... of course the state has standards of learning...i could seriously have some issues with that girl.
Tuesday, April 11, 2006
more of the same...
no evaluation from my trainer yesterday.... vf says.... call her up get her to do her job. it is so frustrating having to ask people to do their jobs. it just sucks. it is so frustrating to be in this program and have all my classmates feel like i feel. we only have 2 plus weeks left and it is torture. God help us all!
Sunday, April 09, 2006
as time goes by
i never wonder about the past, but often about the future, not any more than when i was younger though... i am more fearful of "losing" not wealth, but health, more fearful of "losing" touch with my inner self, and bowing down to the minions.... the other day an argument of sorts took place. a person i work with who has 4 children also, the oldest is 10, the youngest still an infant...
---he said.....i am going to direct my children to where i want them to be. my daughters will be nurses, my son -- he's in sports, he's making connections, I know he wont be a bobby orr but he is still making connections that will be useful for getting a job in a high paying position later in life...
he continued,
it isn't about being happy it is all about money...
i said -- not everyone can be a nurse....
he said....there are other types of nursing careers...
i said, but who wants to be one? a very difficult choice....
and then he said...my wife is a teacher she made a bad choice, she cant teach while the kids are home...
sure she could, i could have continued to argue but why bother...
there are always choices one has to make and from there things are decided...
career / no career
business / arts / humanity / science / politics / education / how many fields
and where is the money?
money does matter but it isnt the only satisfaction in life
i have learned to do without many times in my life, not just clothing but going out, new cars, new lots of things that really just get old and need to be thrown out after awhile... entertainment... ---- you name it, i've gone without because living life and being happy doesnt necessitate always having the best of every "thing" to me, the best part of my life is my relationship with my husband,
integrity, respect and a love that people dream of ...but it has not come about easily....
my innocence in youth perhaps helped me upon this path, but the truths i have witnessed as i have aged and watched my children grow have given me a vision i really dont care to see or to know but nonetheless i have to accept...
still for myself... i choose
for life and living,
the drive to no where
a walk in the woods, or a hike in the hills
lazing on the beach from 9 til sunset
reading and swimming
sleeping til noon
or staying in bed all day and night ... til the next day... if i could
staying up late and watching a good movie even though i know i have to work the next day
making a great dinner and having a small group over for conversation
my family coming together impromptly
and children who have opinions but dont have to argue --- could this be possilbe?
i choose simplicity
if only it were that simple
---he said.....i am going to direct my children to where i want them to be. my daughters will be nurses, my son -- he's in sports, he's making connections, I know he wont be a bobby orr but he is still making connections that will be useful for getting a job in a high paying position later in life...
he continued,
it isn't about being happy it is all about money...
i said -- not everyone can be a nurse....
he said....there are other types of nursing careers...
i said, but who wants to be one? a very difficult choice....
and then he said...my wife is a teacher she made a bad choice, she cant teach while the kids are home...
sure she could, i could have continued to argue but why bother...
there are always choices one has to make and from there things are decided...
career / no career
business / arts / humanity / science / politics / education / how many fields
and where is the money?
money does matter but it isnt the only satisfaction in life
i have learned to do without many times in my life, not just clothing but going out, new cars, new lots of things that really just get old and need to be thrown out after awhile... entertainment... ---- you name it, i've gone without because living life and being happy doesnt necessitate always having the best of every "thing" to me, the best part of my life is my relationship with my husband,
integrity, respect and a love that people dream of ...but it has not come about easily....
my innocence in youth perhaps helped me upon this path, but the truths i have witnessed as i have aged and watched my children grow have given me a vision i really dont care to see or to know but nonetheless i have to accept...
still for myself... i choose
for life and living,
the drive to no where
a walk in the woods, or a hike in the hills
lazing on the beach from 9 til sunset
reading and swimming
sleeping til noon
or staying in bed all day and night ... til the next day... if i could
staying up late and watching a good movie even though i know i have to work the next day
making a great dinner and having a small group over for conversation
my family coming together impromptly
and children who have opinions but dont have to argue --- could this be possilbe?
i choose simplicity
if only it were that simple
Saturday, April 08, 2006
another week gone...
down to only 3 weeks minus one day left. am i going to make it? I best because I never want to have to go through this shit again. Sometimes I really second guess this reality, but then again, I know what is out there is not worse than what i have to deal with. There are three bids still up west roxbury, quincy, two in cambridge and a few more places whoa... what will I be looking at in May...hum hum hum
pouring out
rain washes the earth today, sometimes rain can be so dirty, i wonder what we are doing to our planet or so that is the way of nature, maybe to earthy crunchy but it is true, mankind rages havoc with the planet...
read today zimbawee however you spell it as i have to go to work, age 36 ..life expectancy. i would most likely be dead if i lived there. sad and tragic.
i think about what i can be thankful for and i am...
i just hope my husband gets well...he has been having trouble with his reflux and it gets upsetting to see him suffer
off to work to deal with the carriers, i will just let Barbara sell as i dont want to give the house away.
i know it wont be easy when i am sent wherever but at least i will be able to have some initiative without being watched at every moment. arghhh God help me get through this.
read today zimbawee however you spell it as i have to go to work, age 36 ..life expectancy. i would most likely be dead if i lived there. sad and tragic.
i think about what i can be thankful for and i am...
i just hope my husband gets well...he has been having trouble with his reflux and it gets upsetting to see him suffer
off to work to deal with the carriers, i will just let Barbara sell as i dont want to give the house away.
i know it wont be easy when i am sent wherever but at least i will be able to have some initiative without being watched at every moment. arghhh God help me get through this.
Thursday, April 06, 2006
1:30
time moves on. it is strange to me that i write stuff and post it and then see spelling etc. errors later, but it really doesnt matter coz this stuff is to clear my head and work through the crap i am going through.
now tb has been off and it has been a good couple of days. bh and i get along fine. i am really thinking that alot of men have problems with women in the workplace... Especially if it is a smart man who meets a smart woman, intimidation seems to be the way they progress. now i haven't had any other problems with any of the other people in the office. even those who bark...and i did find out about a barker... and i could write about that one, but since i will only be there this week and then i get a break from them maybe i best just try to get out of the place... unscathed.... for what ever it is worth i just really can't wait til this is over ...it is like torture.
on the home side there was a terrible blow up the other day... and well i just dont know how much more i can take. i am not going to sacrifice the health and well being of the entire family because i have one tyrant child ---man. i see this as his challenge to get over his control freak, and abusive behavior...... then he would be a really great person.
so i hope for this. until then may God help us All!
i have to pay my taxes this weekend or by the 15th .... boo hoo... that would have been a nice vacation.
now tb has been off and it has been a good couple of days. bh and i get along fine. i am really thinking that alot of men have problems with women in the workplace... Especially if it is a smart man who meets a smart woman, intimidation seems to be the way they progress. now i haven't had any other problems with any of the other people in the office. even those who bark...and i did find out about a barker... and i could write about that one, but since i will only be there this week and then i get a break from them maybe i best just try to get out of the place... unscathed.... for what ever it is worth i just really can't wait til this is over ...it is like torture.
on the home side there was a terrible blow up the other day... and well i just dont know how much more i can take. i am not going to sacrifice the health and well being of the entire family because i have one tyrant child ---man. i see this as his challenge to get over his control freak, and abusive behavior...... then he would be a really great person.
so i hope for this. until then may God help us All!
i have to pay my taxes this weekend or by the 15th .... boo hoo... that would have been a nice vacation.
Tuesday, April 04, 2006
inspiration and hope
well it is 5 am and i am trying to get myself together to go back to this place that i dont really want to go to ...so it is a challenge. It is so weird when you have to sit down and look at yourself and say, what did i do to create this situation, and then assess what you can do to fix things. i dont really know how to fix things because with them i never knew i was saying anything that would shock or horrify or otherwise insult them until i had already said it, so here is Tuesday and I have to work straight through Saturday which is not very appealing to me, not because I dont want to work, but because of the weight of the oppression i feel.... just sucks.
but I will try to be positive and build upon the negatives (even if I disagree) I will not say anything about anything but just go in and run report and educate myself as that is the way it appears to me that I have to do. I obviously appear incompetent and that is not good. Especially since I know I am not. I am totally trying to keep my nerves intact. This really really sucks.
On the other hand...yesterday while in my usual doodles I came across a theme for some work which i hope I will create... So if i make it through this i might actually do some artwork and some more writing besides all this whinning and get on with things.
i hate being a grown up. it is much easier to play in a world where there are no responsibilites and you can just do what you want when you want.
i suppose the opposite of BIG would be me. let me be little again with my innocence intact, without the knowledge of the world and what it does to people and dreams and families and the innocents themselves. the burden of knowledge is sometimes too great. it is a weight that can imprision ones mind and being, it is also a tool though however if you are an educated person working with those who think you think you are something better than those who are not educated that can sometimes cause great strife. fear...who is this person ...what is he she trying to prove.
arghh i must get on with this
but I will try to be positive and build upon the negatives (even if I disagree) I will not say anything about anything but just go in and run report and educate myself as that is the way it appears to me that I have to do. I obviously appear incompetent and that is not good. Especially since I know I am not. I am totally trying to keep my nerves intact. This really really sucks.
On the other hand...yesterday while in my usual doodles I came across a theme for some work which i hope I will create... So if i make it through this i might actually do some artwork and some more writing besides all this whinning and get on with things.
i hate being a grown up. it is much easier to play in a world where there are no responsibilites and you can just do what you want when you want.
i suppose the opposite of BIG would be me. let me be little again with my innocence intact, without the knowledge of the world and what it does to people and dreams and families and the innocents themselves. the burden of knowledge is sometimes too great. it is a weight that can imprision ones mind and being, it is also a tool though however if you are an educated person working with those who think you think you are something better than those who are not educated that can sometimes cause great strife. fear...who is this person ...what is he she trying to prove.
arghh i must get on with this
Monday, April 03, 2006
more of the old
There is nothing like the dread that comes, like being a little kid and not doing your homework, the feeling like, I'm in for it. That is how I feel. I am so worn out by this entire process it is disgusting that I am still in it.
Last night I said I was gong to quit, if this is what things are like now, what are they going to get to be like. only worse before better.
quitter that's what was said -- dont be a quitter... they are trying to push you out because of fear, or jealousy or some other motivation
what is the motivation behind the conversation. what a horrid why to go through all of this
with 4 weeks less it is Mom's way, put up and shut up, dont say a word-- it is obvious that other supervisors feel threatened when a person comes in and views their operations and see that things are not the way the instructors are instructing, never mind the fact that it is sooo difficult to work with a group that identifies themselves as such and if you are not in that group watch out. The select fews have "chit chats" about those who are not, it is highschool again and it is bs. I was never like that in High School why would I be that way now?
Last night I said I was gong to quit, if this is what things are like now, what are they going to get to be like. only worse before better.
quitter that's what was said -- dont be a quitter... they are trying to push you out because of fear, or jealousy or some other motivation
what is the motivation behind the conversation. what a horrid why to go through all of this
with 4 weeks less it is Mom's way, put up and shut up, dont say a word-- it is obvious that other supervisors feel threatened when a person comes in and views their operations and see that things are not the way the instructors are instructing, never mind the fact that it is sooo difficult to work with a group that identifies themselves as such and if you are not in that group watch out. The select fews have "chit chats" about those who are not, it is highschool again and it is bs. I was never like that in High School why would I be that way now?
Sunday, April 02, 2006
dream
For the past few weeks I've had this horrid dream that wakes me up, and sends me running out of the bed, it is so real that I cannot rest again until I've talked to all of my kids, ...I am sleeping and I hear a horrid cry, Mom, Mommy and then I wake up. The cry seems as it if is real life, I wonder if my soul is suffering.
I've also had bad dreams about the po. Never mind the daydreaming on how to deal with the situation, but my daughter reminded me that the po sucks. She reminded me of how many supervisors have an fantastic attitude about what they do, they are great and you suck... She reminded me of all the reasons why I wanted to leave the place, and here I am going some place on the career path that is the opposite to all that I am.
I will be silent in class tomorrow as much as I can be. The oppression has to stop!!! I believe in myself and that counts for alot if you ask me.
I've also had bad dreams about the po. Never mind the daydreaming on how to deal with the situation, but my daughter reminded me that the po sucks. She reminded me of how many supervisors have an fantastic attitude about what they do, they are great and you suck... She reminded me of all the reasons why I wanted to leave the place, and here I am going some place on the career path that is the opposite to all that I am.
I will be silent in class tomorrow as much as I can be. The oppression has to stop!!! I believe in myself and that counts for alot if you ask me.
Saturday, April 01, 2006
thinking
my soul is reaching out and feeling what is this that has come about
what karmic lesson or what new journey, what do i not want to become
I certainly do not want to become that which I have visited or been priviledged to bear witness to, why would I
the negativity is great.
I will bear with it.
Only one week in this station and then I have a break from them thank God, then I will be with the ass alone, and what will happen then I do not know, but personally I really dont care.
He doesnt see himself.
I try to see myself everyday, but that doesnt mean I dont see myself as a fool wandering a path back and forth
questioning, is this worth it?
I ve been through so much shit it really sucks,
I am just trying to do something for my family to make our lives a bit better
I didnt get here through the help of anyone but myself, i did higher level I didn a 991 i did pass the interview, and the tests and the first section of the training, and now to be berated just because I mention something where does that put me, do i want to co operate, no i want to run
I want to run so fast it isnt funny
Can i change things in the long run?
who knows what are my goals...stay in focus, just stay in focus....
what karmic lesson or what new journey, what do i not want to become
I certainly do not want to become that which I have visited or been priviledged to bear witness to, why would I
the negativity is great.
I will bear with it.
Only one week in this station and then I have a break from them thank God, then I will be with the ass alone, and what will happen then I do not know, but personally I really dont care.
He doesnt see himself.
I try to see myself everyday, but that doesnt mean I dont see myself as a fool wandering a path back and forth
questioning, is this worth it?
I ve been through so much shit it really sucks,
I am just trying to do something for my family to make our lives a bit better
I didnt get here through the help of anyone but myself, i did higher level I didn a 991 i did pass the interview, and the tests and the first section of the training, and now to be berated just because I mention something where does that put me, do i want to co operate, no i want to run
I want to run so fast it isnt funny
Can i change things in the long run?
who knows what are my goals...stay in focus, just stay in focus....
thoughts write it out
i have no way to deal with this really... there is only one thing to do and that is to write it out or else i will go mad. the temptation is too great, i want to call him and say what is your fn problem, what did i do to you, ive had to sit and listen to you on how you think theyve made so many mistakes picking people for the program and other stuff you have said about it, and i have to wonder really what is up your ass? but i dont because it just seems to me that talking to you will get me know where, there should be a joint communication, that is all and i dont think that being questioned is like being taught...but hey so goes the way of the world,
you cant show someone how to do something once and expect the person to know it. I think it is just bs that is for sure.
this is such a lonely place,a very lonely place.... not knowing how to handle it, is it worth it, i want to call him and say ...did i do something to piss you off... i want to say to him, what is your problem? but i am not at least for now, my better judgement tells me to let it go and just get on with things...not say a word to b or him about anything for certain they really have made some judgments about me that they are not sharing, but they judge everyone in the office.... it is really sickening. Help!
you cant show someone how to do something once and expect the person to know it. I think it is just bs that is for sure.
this is such a lonely place,a very lonely place.... not knowing how to handle it, is it worth it, i want to call him and say ...did i do something to piss you off... i want to say to him, what is your problem? but i am not at least for now, my better judgement tells me to let it go and just get on with things...not say a word to b or him about anything for certain they really have made some judgments about me that they are not sharing, but they judge everyone in the office.... it is really sickening. Help!
another bad day
I dont know how much longer I can take the bs. as that is what it is.
Now i am in another situation a team, that I am dividing, how does someone come into a place and disrupt the team>? it is bs. I feel some severe bad energy from him but what can I say. F says let it go. Yes, I want to let it go but it is bs. There is only so much I can take. I'll do this week and be glad to go on to the otherside. It is really ridiculous the feedback that this guy is giving out about my class, and I havent said a word back. God save me from all this!
Now i am in another situation a team, that I am dividing, how does someone come into a place and disrupt the team>? it is bs. I feel some severe bad energy from him but what can I say. F says let it go. Yes, I want to let it go but it is bs. There is only so much I can take. I'll do this week and be glad to go on to the otherside. It is really ridiculous the feedback that this guy is giving out about my class, and I havent said a word back. God save me from all this!
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