hard days for no reason, just not feeling well, have a sinus cold, watery eyes, no energy. the pain in my hips has subsided a bit, had another nasty headache dont know if it was from the lyme disease or my back situation or the fact that my weight is out of control. I am out of control I must face this fact. Tired and have no time for myself without getting up and staying up at dawn, cant wait for things to level off.
tomorrow is a big day, son's h.s. graduation. invited my mom but she is already busy, she was already busy, she knew the date long ago, she could have saved it, but she didn't. i can't be sad because i cant expect her to be here for me, it has never been that way. i feel like she stopped being there long ago, not that she stopped advising me, to me there is a difference between mothering and advising, between parenting and mothering --- it is easy to be a mom, not for all women, there are many women who just shouldnt choose motherhood, there are many parents who are good parents but expect too much from themselves, then there are those who just well ... dont care about being a good or bad parent, they just are. time for reading
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