Heat in your hands
Paper on the floor
bent by crushing weight
wheels not on the rug
on the paper on the floor
twisted not torn
unseen yet felt
like heat too warm
in the hands
Sometimes something comes over me, I can’t explain it
It is a suffering that I want to go away
That I do not want to endure
But nonetheless it is there
I can take a shower
I can get dressed
I can go out and visit friends
I can cook, and clean, and do laundry
And iron, but that something is still there
Like it is now
In my chest a hand pressing down
Is it my heart aching, or breaking
Is it my heart yearning or churning,
Is it my brain cooking and reaching down inside stirring up emotions
Desire
Is that what it is
Heat too warm in your hands
Sunday, June 25, 2006
things and people
things --- oh so many things
people --- oh so many people
things and people do fall apart
do get old
get worn out
and even get thrown away
like relationships you've out grown
or people you can't be bothered with
or people who don't want to be bothered with you
or is that true
bother bothers me
beseeches my mind why bother is a word that provokes me to such lengths
no one wants to feel bothered or to be told -- one is bothering another --
or you just don't bother to
does that makes sense
enough of being bothered by bother
the reality is
my green monster is dead, the beast is no longer able to be fixed
my daughter's car still isn't fixed
i have no car of my own, even though back and forth they (my husband and his buddies) have dithered over some contour
I am more than half tempted to purchase a vehicle on my own. I am tired with the annoyance of shuffling people...and my sister will be back from Rome soon. arghhhh
F's grill is deceptive, it looks fine on the outside, to an extent that is, and on the inside, the bottom is ready to fall out.
new grill needed
this is going to be an expensive summer
new mattress
new grill
new car
guess it is a good thing i am working like a dog.
blah
people --- oh so many people
things and people do fall apart
do get old
get worn out
and even get thrown away
like relationships you've out grown
or people you can't be bothered with
or people who don't want to be bothered with you
or is that true
bother bothers me
beseeches my mind why bother is a word that provokes me to such lengths
no one wants to feel bothered or to be told -- one is bothering another --
or you just don't bother to
does that makes sense
enough of being bothered by bother
the reality is
my green monster is dead, the beast is no longer able to be fixed
my daughter's car still isn't fixed
i have no car of my own, even though back and forth they (my husband and his buddies) have dithered over some contour
I am more than half tempted to purchase a vehicle on my own. I am tired with the annoyance of shuffling people...and my sister will be back from Rome soon. arghhhh
F's grill is deceptive, it looks fine on the outside, to an extent that is, and on the inside, the bottom is ready to fall out.
new grill needed
this is going to be an expensive summer
new mattress
new grill
new car
guess it is a good thing i am working like a dog.
blah
Sunday, June 18, 2006
vanilla toothpaste and Dad's day
i bought the vanilla toothpaste new on the market...i usually like everything vanilla, vanilla shake, vanilla coke, vanilla coffee, ice cream etc... but i dont care so much for the lingering vanilla flavor in my mouth after i am done. i dont know if it is being a creature of habit or what. on to the citrus and lemon, hummmm i really have to try that one out.
it is Father's day and my Dad has been gone for a long time. 8.5 years it seems like forever to me, it just really does and it sucks. my life within my family has such a hole in it sometimes i just dont care to be around them anymore, at times the relationships seem trivial.... and it isnt as if i am excluded, but it certainly feels that way. It is little things i am sensitive to, like my sister in law sending out invitaions to my brother's birthday party, but the invitation is specific, mr and mrs, instead of the w family, it just seems so weird to me. i am going to have to call to make sure everyone is invited which probably seems ridiculous as the entire family is going to be there, but it is just weird to me. Sil family got three invitations... her older kids got them, but not mine. i am not going to make a big deal about it, but i feel insulted, probably overly sensitive. they are having the party on a saturday which is just a suck day for us as we both work on saturdays and would have to get the day off.... i just dont see it happening --- we dont even have any vacation planned yet...we will probably send the kids and attend late....arghh...maybe we can get out early that would be a solution... just rambling thoughts....any way...it is Father's day... and I just really feel gloomy, like it is outside, our pool is still not open... the weather has not even been tropical, it has been cold raining foggy, someone said like England..i do not know as i have never been..................................................................being i am just being today... trying to get through this day without having a major melt down because things are not perfect... i have to go shopping and get the chickens and make a cake and do laundry and dishes that i shouldnt have to do.... and it is a day off but it is a day on too...
when i was being programed i asked my dad to help me everyday, he knows what management is like, and you know, my aspirations are not to become a manager, just being what i am is good enough for me. i have a full time job and im going to be able to retire someday...i have no intentions of letting the teacher in me slide and i hope to start school in january to finish my masters but i have to do some reseach first...enough of my dream... without those prayers to my Father i dont know if i would have made it through...it was just a very difficult time....so i know he is there in this universe somewhere...
then there is my husband, he over the years developed a special relationship with my dad, they used to go shellfishing together, something my husband hasnt done since my father died, well not true, we did go once over to the bay and that was a fun day, except for the people who lost their oars and i swam over to save them from being carried away by the current... i forgot about that day... and that was before the horrid back incident...but f rarely goes to my mother's house now; it is obvious to me that everything has changed for him too. we just dont talk about it, it is too painful for the both of us, the friendship...
my brothers are great guys, but... they are not my Dad, and my father was close to both my husband and I at different times, like when my mom moved to the cape with my younger brother and sister, my husband would go to my house and wait for me, my father and him would play cards and sometimes eat hot dogs or fix stuff. it was just the way it was. when my kids were younger, we would go down the cape in the summer, amd my mother always seemed to be away...my father would take my husband shellfishing and they would tinker about together and play cribbage etc...and later I would play too. but mostly they would play and i would take care of the kids and let them be chums. dad and i would food shop and he always remarked, 'i've filled up the napkin holder because i knew the w were coming' i do like napkins and neatness at the table...
my dad always offered me bombs and 1/2 bombs and i've only had 1 since he left. and well i rarely get to play cards anymore, and i rarely go to the cape... day trips for a few hours... that's it. and my husband wonders why i dont want to be buried down there beside him, my husband that is...
throw me in the ocean that is what i really want... i wish he would want that too.... but he says he wants to rot in the ground beside me... nooooooo noooo we have to work this one out....
so anyway i am still greiving for my father, but not just him, but the way things used to be, my kids are older now --- but i still say i miss those days... for they were some of the very very best... i would go off to the beach with the kids and leave the men to themselves... i would sometimes be gone all day... when i got home the men would have cooked...and played cards and napped.... that was a vacation for my husband... i would do the dishes, but i rarely had to cook now that i think about that.... it was just a time that will never be again .... and perhaps that is why F and I are having such a hard time trying to figure out what kind of vacation we would like to take, because for us, our vacations were spent with my Father, down the cape, and he would do his things with my dad, and i would do my things with the kids, and once in awhile f would go to the beach but less and less over the years, as he would chum with my dad... and play cards at night... and that was all we needed... nothing elaborate..... just a different way of being, a different life, that passed away with my Dad...
the closest day i've had since then was probably the day my sister and i went to the beach with the all the kids... that was a fine day. one of the best since i can remember when. my sister is coming at the end of the month... i wonder if we are going to have any good summer days at all... i need to call her for her itineray...
my daughter says i should go tanning to help my illness ...i wonder if it will help i have to go look that up.
well happy Father's day to all dads... i love that Dave mathews song... daughters and dads something special because my dad had a way to make all his daughters feel special...that is just the way he was
it is Father's day and my Dad has been gone for a long time. 8.5 years it seems like forever to me, it just really does and it sucks. my life within my family has such a hole in it sometimes i just dont care to be around them anymore, at times the relationships seem trivial.... and it isnt as if i am excluded, but it certainly feels that way. It is little things i am sensitive to, like my sister in law sending out invitaions to my brother's birthday party, but the invitation is specific, mr and mrs, instead of the w family, it just seems so weird to me. i am going to have to call to make sure everyone is invited which probably seems ridiculous as the entire family is going to be there, but it is just weird to me. Sil family got three invitations... her older kids got them, but not mine. i am not going to make a big deal about it, but i feel insulted, probably overly sensitive. they are having the party on a saturday which is just a suck day for us as we both work on saturdays and would have to get the day off.... i just dont see it happening --- we dont even have any vacation planned yet...we will probably send the kids and attend late....arghh...maybe we can get out early that would be a solution... just rambling thoughts....any way...it is Father's day... and I just really feel gloomy, like it is outside, our pool is still not open... the weather has not even been tropical, it has been cold raining foggy, someone said like England..i do not know as i have never been..................................................................being i am just being today... trying to get through this day without having a major melt down because things are not perfect... i have to go shopping and get the chickens and make a cake and do laundry and dishes that i shouldnt have to do.... and it is a day off but it is a day on too...
when i was being programed i asked my dad to help me everyday, he knows what management is like, and you know, my aspirations are not to become a manager, just being what i am is good enough for me. i have a full time job and im going to be able to retire someday...i have no intentions of letting the teacher in me slide and i hope to start school in january to finish my masters but i have to do some reseach first...enough of my dream... without those prayers to my Father i dont know if i would have made it through...it was just a very difficult time....so i know he is there in this universe somewhere...
then there is my husband, he over the years developed a special relationship with my dad, they used to go shellfishing together, something my husband hasnt done since my father died, well not true, we did go once over to the bay and that was a fun day, except for the people who lost their oars and i swam over to save them from being carried away by the current... i forgot about that day... and that was before the horrid back incident...but f rarely goes to my mother's house now; it is obvious to me that everything has changed for him too. we just dont talk about it, it is too painful for the both of us, the friendship...
my brothers are great guys, but... they are not my Dad, and my father was close to both my husband and I at different times, like when my mom moved to the cape with my younger brother and sister, my husband would go to my house and wait for me, my father and him would play cards and sometimes eat hot dogs or fix stuff. it was just the way it was. when my kids were younger, we would go down the cape in the summer, amd my mother always seemed to be away...my father would take my husband shellfishing and they would tinker about together and play cribbage etc...and later I would play too. but mostly they would play and i would take care of the kids and let them be chums. dad and i would food shop and he always remarked, 'i've filled up the napkin holder because i knew the w were coming' i do like napkins and neatness at the table...
my dad always offered me bombs and 1/2 bombs and i've only had 1 since he left. and well i rarely get to play cards anymore, and i rarely go to the cape... day trips for a few hours... that's it. and my husband wonders why i dont want to be buried down there beside him, my husband that is...
throw me in the ocean that is what i really want... i wish he would want that too.... but he says he wants to rot in the ground beside me... nooooooo noooo we have to work this one out....
so anyway i am still greiving for my father, but not just him, but the way things used to be, my kids are older now --- but i still say i miss those days... for they were some of the very very best... i would go off to the beach with the kids and leave the men to themselves... i would sometimes be gone all day... when i got home the men would have cooked...and played cards and napped.... that was a vacation for my husband... i would do the dishes, but i rarely had to cook now that i think about that.... it was just a time that will never be again .... and perhaps that is why F and I are having such a hard time trying to figure out what kind of vacation we would like to take, because for us, our vacations were spent with my Father, down the cape, and he would do his things with my dad, and i would do my things with the kids, and once in awhile f would go to the beach but less and less over the years, as he would chum with my dad... and play cards at night... and that was all we needed... nothing elaborate..... just a different way of being, a different life, that passed away with my Dad...
the closest day i've had since then was probably the day my sister and i went to the beach with the all the kids... that was a fine day. one of the best since i can remember when. my sister is coming at the end of the month... i wonder if we are going to have any good summer days at all... i need to call her for her itineray...
my daughter says i should go tanning to help my illness ...i wonder if it will help i have to go look that up.
well happy Father's day to all dads... i love that Dave mathews song... daughters and dads something special because my dad had a way to make all his daughters feel special...that is just the way he was
Thursday, June 15, 2006
quiet
My days have grown better, but still alot to do. The job is good, but need to get out on the street more, always more to learn.
Tuesday was the Field of Dreams at Fenway Park. It was great. We had over 500 kids come to be face painted, make t-shirts and /or work with clay. There was a point where we were overwhelmed by the crowd, but it all went well, and the families went home happy. It was noticeable to me the significant socio-economic divide between the companies who paid to rent the park and those they are holding the fund raising for. Unfortunately, those who are actively participating in the fundraiser by playing a game will never see the ugliness of life the kids they are fundraising for often see. It is all about money. raising money, spending money, and having money --- "old money," not relatively new money because new money can make people make foolish choices, it is the tried and true money that has been invested and divested over the years that is the true wealth of money. What would really be amazing would be to have the kids who get jobs through ABCD come to the park and work that day, but that doesn't seem to be the case -- our students, the dot art students are the only ones we see... i wonder if that could be changed?
time otherwise goes on.
i have an appt for the dermatologist in July sometime. I am tired of the ugly disease. no short sleeves, not short anything -- the pain is pretty severe at times, but not any worse than the entire back incident... so i just keep plugging along.
R and H had another ugly fight, but thank G. not in this house. R is here, H is at the mothers. I miss seeing the baby, but I dont miss the fighting and the upset. It is hard on R. and i suppose on H too, but that is why people dont have babies without having a place of their own first where they can navigate their own space without interfering with other's space.
Personal space is very important when living. without it one might go nuts. dont i know it. i like this moment right now though. i am not tired. i do not have to do for someone else. it is my space alone. I like it, it is more natural the past few days then it has been for months. This I need and I like.
Fred asks for only a chocolate cake for Father's day. Very funny. Still working on that one --- he says he is happy... i believe him.
My mom and sister are away in Rome. Lucky for me, I get to use my sister's car while our car situation is being worked out. St blew her engine and nothing has been easy since then ... carting people around sucks. it probably is different if you have no children but it is certainly not a chariot ride
i want Red Sox's tickets. they are impossible to come by... but i am working on it. F says he will go whoo hoo!!!
Tuesday was the Field of Dreams at Fenway Park. It was great. We had over 500 kids come to be face painted, make t-shirts and /or work with clay. There was a point where we were overwhelmed by the crowd, but it all went well, and the families went home happy. It was noticeable to me the significant socio-economic divide between the companies who paid to rent the park and those they are holding the fund raising for. Unfortunately, those who are actively participating in the fundraiser by playing a game will never see the ugliness of life the kids they are fundraising for often see. It is all about money. raising money, spending money, and having money --- "old money," not relatively new money because new money can make people make foolish choices, it is the tried and true money that has been invested and divested over the years that is the true wealth of money. What would really be amazing would be to have the kids who get jobs through ABCD come to the park and work that day, but that doesn't seem to be the case -- our students, the dot art students are the only ones we see... i wonder if that could be changed?
time otherwise goes on.
i have an appt for the dermatologist in July sometime. I am tired of the ugly disease. no short sleeves, not short anything -- the pain is pretty severe at times, but not any worse than the entire back incident... so i just keep plugging along.
R and H had another ugly fight, but thank G. not in this house. R is here, H is at the mothers. I miss seeing the baby, but I dont miss the fighting and the upset. It is hard on R. and i suppose on H too, but that is why people dont have babies without having a place of their own first where they can navigate their own space without interfering with other's space.
Personal space is very important when living. without it one might go nuts. dont i know it. i like this moment right now though. i am not tired. i do not have to do for someone else. it is my space alone. I like it, it is more natural the past few days then it has been for months. This I need and I like.
Fred asks for only a chocolate cake for Father's day. Very funny. Still working on that one --- he says he is happy... i believe him.
My mom and sister are away in Rome. Lucky for me, I get to use my sister's car while our car situation is being worked out. St blew her engine and nothing has been easy since then ... carting people around sucks. it probably is different if you have no children but it is certainly not a chariot ride
i want Red Sox's tickets. they are impossible to come by... but i am working on it. F says he will go whoo hoo!!!
Friday, May 26, 2006
shame shame
ive been working so hard, i've no time for anything. havent been writing, havent been calling... looking forward to nyc this weekend. i really need to have some fun.
maybe a new buggy next week... too bad ive grown fond of the wagon..i dont know what we are going to do. Ricky bought a little car, it reminds me of my younger sister's old one. I think it will be a good car for him and his family. i pray that all things work out. cant believe it is memorial day weekend wow.
maybe a new buggy next week... too bad ive grown fond of the wagon..i dont know what we are going to do. Ricky bought a little car, it reminds me of my younger sister's old one. I think it will be a good car for him and his family. i pray that all things work out. cant believe it is memorial day weekend wow.
Wednesday, May 17, 2006
Life death, little annoyances
Today there was a comment on my blog, receive a college degree.... well I have two --- big deal... having to screen comments to avoid spam is an annoyance... but it is minor compared to the people here who have lost their homes, and are living in shelters because of the floods. Luckily, we have a new drainage system in place that seems to be working well, but we had 4 feet of water in the basement once, and I don't want to have to go through that again.
I pray for strength, and peace for those who have to deal with the aftermath and recovery ...water--- life giveth and taketh away...nature...
the job is going ok... lots to learn, but loving it.... i hope it stays this way...
On the other note, death has come to the family. My aunt, 83, i think she was passed away. My daughters noticeably upset, my sons, a little shaken. "She always seemed so strong, so febrile,old but not so old" My oldest went crabbing with her as a child, my grandson has a big green seahorse given to him by my aunt...
my cousin, her daughter, we were close as children, well as close as cousins can be in a way... in our early teens, my cousin met someone and fell in love, her mother threatened her, do not marry him, he has no college degree, he wants to be a lock smith... they were madly in love...
my cousin went to cornell... left school to be with the locksmith...went to bu...mother threatened her again... do not marry him...
she moved away to delaware, started her life again, got her masters, met someone new, got married and within 6 months she was dead..plane crash, burned to death...
my aunt, strong women, but very controlling, she lived a good long life, even though tragic ..... My God Bless her and keep her...
It will be a long two days...wakes and funerals....
I pray for strength, and peace for those who have to deal with the aftermath and recovery ...water--- life giveth and taketh away...nature...
the job is going ok... lots to learn, but loving it.... i hope it stays this way...
On the other note, death has come to the family. My aunt, 83, i think she was passed away. My daughters noticeably upset, my sons, a little shaken. "She always seemed so strong, so febrile,old but not so old" My oldest went crabbing with her as a child, my grandson has a big green seahorse given to him by my aunt...
my cousin, her daughter, we were close as children, well as close as cousins can be in a way... in our early teens, my cousin met someone and fell in love, her mother threatened her, do not marry him, he has no college degree, he wants to be a lock smith... they were madly in love...
my cousin went to cornell... left school to be with the locksmith...went to bu...mother threatened her again... do not marry him...
she moved away to delaware, started her life again, got her masters, met someone new, got married and within 6 months she was dead..plane crash, burned to death...
my aunt, strong women, but very controlling, she lived a good long life, even though tragic ..... My God Bless her and keep her...
It will be a long two days...wakes and funerals....
Friday, May 05, 2006
one week gone by
it is a week since i went to my new assignment, and i like it..i really like it...
i have so much to learn, so many things to juggle...lots of paperwork, but i am managing, once i get the unit caught up and adjust some routes, i think it will be ok.... i am sure i will have some horrid days, but for the moment... i am liking it. whew!
i have so much to learn, so many things to juggle...lots of paperwork, but i am managing, once i get the unit caught up and adjust some routes, i think it will be ok.... i am sure i will have some horrid days, but for the moment... i am liking it. whew!
Monday, May 01, 2006
first day in new station
saturday i went to the station, it is being run by all people under 30...for the most part that is. i am impressed....i am also impressed at the cleanliness of the building as it used to dark and scary.
i am as nervous as a cat.... but saturday went ok..today i will be assigned wint.. a community that is on the water and the carriers will be mine.... i look forward to the challenge as it will be a new challenge for me being as the decisions will be mine. more learning, always more to learn...
I pray for strength after the beating I took.
i am as nervous as a cat.... but saturday went ok..today i will be assigned wint.. a community that is on the water and the carriers will be mine.... i look forward to the challenge as it will be a new challenge for me being as the decisions will be mine. more learning, always more to learn...
I pray for strength after the beating I took.
Wednesday, April 26, 2006
two days til i am doomed? i wonder
i wonder as i take this path if this is a mistake... like so many of the mistakes one makes but --- no one forced it upon you...
everyone in my station likes me, the carriers are good to me and even when they are messing with me, they still like me.
i dislike some of them because they try to screw with me, me being new, but it is just the way it has to be. i am so tired of having to not deal with them on my own basis.
now mike d seems to like me just fine. so i dont know what i did...tb has been different to me though. so .... something must have happened either inside his head or else where....
barbara has always been nice to me.... we did never go over my evaluation but hey what can i say....
now that jerk sj needs to be proven wrong... i just cant wait is all i can say.
bring it on.
one day left in the station
thank god...
but what ever nightmare i might enter ...that i am not too sure about.
everyone in my station likes me, the carriers are good to me and even when they are messing with me, they still like me.
i dislike some of them because they try to screw with me, me being new, but it is just the way it has to be. i am so tired of having to not deal with them on my own basis.
now mike d seems to like me just fine. so i dont know what i did...tb has been different to me though. so .... something must have happened either inside his head or else where....
barbara has always been nice to me.... we did never go over my evaluation but hey what can i say....
now that jerk sj needs to be proven wrong... i just cant wait is all i can say.
bring it on.
one day left in the station
thank god...
but what ever nightmare i might enter ...that i am not too sure about.
Tuesday, April 25, 2006
Tuesday
got through the day--- it is true I am so unhappy, js is correct about that, but why wouldnt i be unhappy with the way i have been treated.... Fred is supportive but then again he is not in my shoes and he is just not getting my own reservations about the entire situation ...is it worth it... he says money...i am thinking more like moving out of the cs position into one where i dont have to deal with the carriers .... i am sick of the entire facade that is coming about through this process...suffering for sure. i dread graduation... f.this i feel like saying
getting by
well i was almost axed from the program. my coach who is supposed to meet with me a bunch of times during this process did not approve of my promotion. it went before the board and they voted ok to let me pass with reservations. i have my own reservations. but i am going to be quiet still....and just go in an do my best to do a good job, i dont know how i can learn anything from someone who doesnt see that he doesnt want to teach me. i am the loser though because i do not have the power that he has ...or bc had that obvicously went elsewhere. but what hurts me, what truly hurts me deeply is that my integrity has been questioned. And I said that to my coach. You have questioned my integrity. That bothers me. It is going to be a long day, and Valerie says, I have been labeled. I think that is absolutely true, by whom I do not know. Censured is what should be written. No new job is easy but i am worried about selling out my soul. more because i am not recognized for what i know but what i dont know. and well i just cant believe dg said anything bad about me..
Saturday, April 22, 2006
Training I dont wan
Training I don’t want to forget
More of THE FIRM
I have one week to go in this program. I am a bit dismayed for I am wondering just what will happen to me. Will I quit? Will I be assigned an early or a late end? Will I end up in a big station or a small station?
It really doesn’t matter to me, for the truth is I will still just be only an ASP graduate, but I will be a “real” supervisor which has been my goal since deciding to try to get into the program.
I feel lucky that I was trained by Dawnmaire my first few weeks as I really had a lot to learn. She was patient with me, and also followed protocol that we were taught in class. But the last few weeks have been a horror show for me, first being put with Brian Coyne who flunked someone out of our class, and then tried to flunk me too, because I dated to say that every station was different.
Now here I am again in a situation that I have tolerated but certainly have not excelled in. The first day I was with Tom B he trashed my class Too many ptf’s that don’t know the business. I know people who have been 204b’s for 5t years that were not taken into the program….etc. How much am I supposed to just say ok ok….
And stuff was brought up---
Information about our class that only people in the class could or should know. Humm, who is the informant.
Then of course, Janet Gomes flunked out. “She’s the first one we’ve lost” Yeah, well what can I say. I don’t know why Janet didn’t pass, she only needed a 1. In my mind she either wasn’t trained or she just blew the test. TB and all the other supervisors talk about the financial supervisor all the time behind her back. It is really disgusting. This is not a good place for me to be but I am just going to deal with it.
Week 2. More of the same, questioned without being taught. Not allowed to really do anything. David Y the manager was leaving. I requested to do a service talk, No one said wait, The entire episode was chaotic. Tom B spends most of his time in the office and on the phone. He bangs the desk with his fist while working things out on paper, he’s actually pretty scary. Not someone I would call for help. Jim Holland reamed him for inaccurate projections. I need to learn that stuff but he is not teaching me and that sucks.
Office hours change, street hours never change. I don’t make myself clear enough. How can I when I feel so intimidated. I am putting on the face and going with the flow as soon as I graduate I am going to get someone to teach me what I need to know. Right now I am just going to put up and shut up, I’ve been in enough trouble.
God help me is all I can say.
Week 15
This week has been a nightmare. I called ville the week before trying to do the right thing.
Barbara have a nice vacation.
Do you want me to work Saturday?
What time should I report?
I was informed that Jillian was shooting her mouth off. That the manager of Cheut Hill was brought into pedc.
My thoughts, Well what do you want me to say?
What happened?
Well that girl has just made herself a bunch of enemies.
Ok Tuesday reported to work. TB says nothing. He is at the supervisors stand up desk instead of the office. I go to the computer in the office and start some morning work…The printer is not working. I go to the stand up desk where Tom tells me we need a new cartridge etc….
I ask--- How is everything?
Good.
What’s going on?
Not much,
Tom works the number in Tacs and Doir. He says nothing to me.
Later he asks, “: Have you done an 1838?” Yes I answer. He takes me to case--- you’re going to count out Keefe.
It is 7:30 the carriers are coming in. He counted the mail etc. I start the count down I am working. Jen Bren prf comes to the case instead of Keefe. I still count her. She declined to count herself. It is about 8. I go to Tom and Mike DeM at the stand up desk. “You are going to work the floor.” Tom B says.
I ask well what has been done, what has been put into Dois. He says all the paper work is done. I really dislike this man; he is just not a good trainer. Great Supervisor, no doubt but not a good trainer. Just like Be Cy, knows the job but doesn’t know hoe to teach it. Arghh more of the same shit…
Later I go into the office TB is in a snit about having to change and adjust clerk schedules because the other supervisor, who was a clerk, doesn’t do her job, at least according to TB.
The oppression I felt was horrid.
At the end of the day, I spend time trying to pry open TB’s mind. We have a talk that I think he productive.
I found out the only reason why I was on the floor was because Jim Holland called. He wants to know if you can work the floor?“Well” I asked, “What do you think?”
“I don’t know.”
Well that was honest, how could he know. First of all, the first two weeks in the station I followed Barbara around like a puppy. The carriers even made jokes about it. But hey, that goes with the territory.
The next week, Barbara let me count mail and work with the carriers, but she sells the time, and when she is off one morning as I was selling time, Mike Do takes the clipboard from me, like I was doing something unthinkable. The look on his face was one of horror. I know they are thinking, she’ll sell out the ship. There was no feedback about anything. I request my evaluation from BH two days in a row, Friday and Saturday….and was told, don’t worry about it. I will get it to you.
That week was ok, but Barbara didn’t have me do any of the time changes that are regularly done … ? Nor could I do the schedule, “Not my schedule!” she said.
What am I supposed to do? She also said, “When I was in training I wasn’t allowed to do anything?” Hummm what is up with this…. I hear that a lot.
There is no consistency in the program that is the truth about the trainers…..
Anyway…Back to TB -- so how could he evaluate my floor performance or any of my performance… So he let me know that I was going to work the floor and he wss going to be hard on me.
So yesterday, he reamed me for not pivoting because we had 18 extra hours in the office. And I didn’t even ask him, why would I ask him anything, every time I asked him something he seemed annoyed. When I asked him Thursday what his impression of the day was, he said he hadn’t made the decision yet. We were under in DOIS and I knew it. But I just let it go… I had saved time even though I had to run the list. Did he say anything to me on Friday, no he didn’t. He looks at me as a lesser because I was a clerk, not a carrier. What a big head this man has!
About the 18 hours, I would have loved to say to him, well let me see, you did the schedule, You called in the entire F set to cover the day when you didn’t need to. If you hadn’t called in every person I could have pivoted people, but You called them in for 8, and you think I am going to send home the two subs who get the shit end everyday, That would not be how I treat my complement. For another fact, You think that I don’t know that Ed L was on a tirade in ally 58 because of the steward election. I was down there, but I did not intervene, I am only here next week, and it is not my place to get involved in something that has been going on in this station for months, and this employee felt obligated to voice his opinion. That is necessary for the work force to be able to speak.
So then he went on about the mail flow, hey, I was paying attention, I was the one who made sure Dale was going to do the hub, I also didn’t answer about the iop report because if I said that to you again, I was afraid you would take my head off again as you did a couple of weeks ago.
More stuff was said this week about my class, and about Jillian. Really I felt like saying, you are so big headed….. TB the great! whooptido
However the same courtesy is not afforded to me, for I don’t even have as much power as a 204b, I cant go out on the street and do any kind of street work without someone, I can’t do 3971’s even though the manager told me to do so, but I didn’t say to him, Mike I cant do them, T B told me so. I am so sick of this.
He says I miss volume but I didn’t miss volume: they inflate their volume, they also don’t count their curtailment. I am so pissed right now it is not funny. I need counseling from this. Is this the way it is going to be when I get to a station?
If my manager hammers me because I mess up, fine and dandy, but my trainer hammers me without me messing up, or about me messing up because I go to him or I don’t go to him. Geesh. God help me!!!
My trainer is not training me, he is testing me. Had I know I was going to have to jump through hoops, I might not have even bothered to try to succeed. My entire disposition toward the program has changed. It sucks.
My friend is also complaining that they too are not getting the training they need.
Some are left to sit and do nothing, others are told to do mundane tasks. Others are told to be quiet. Others are told you don’t cut the mustard. When I get through I am going to write something about this to the postmaster. I best wait for if I open my mouth now they probably won’t pass me.
It is the FIRM
More of THE FIRM
I have one week to go in this program. I am a bit dismayed for I am wondering just what will happen to me. Will I quit? Will I be assigned an early or a late end? Will I end up in a big station or a small station?
It really doesn’t matter to me, for the truth is I will still just be only an ASP graduate, but I will be a “real” supervisor which has been my goal since deciding to try to get into the program.
I feel lucky that I was trained by Dawnmaire my first few weeks as I really had a lot to learn. She was patient with me, and also followed protocol that we were taught in class. But the last few weeks have been a horror show for me, first being put with Brian Coyne who flunked someone out of our class, and then tried to flunk me too, because I dated to say that every station was different.
Now here I am again in a situation that I have tolerated but certainly have not excelled in. The first day I was with Tom B he trashed my class Too many ptf’s that don’t know the business. I know people who have been 204b’s for 5t years that were not taken into the program….etc. How much am I supposed to just say ok ok….
And stuff was brought up---
Information about our class that only people in the class could or should know. Humm, who is the informant.
Then of course, Janet Gomes flunked out. “She’s the first one we’ve lost” Yeah, well what can I say. I don’t know why Janet didn’t pass, she only needed a 1. In my mind she either wasn’t trained or she just blew the test. TB and all the other supervisors talk about the financial supervisor all the time behind her back. It is really disgusting. This is not a good place for me to be but I am just going to deal with it.
Week 2. More of the same, questioned without being taught. Not allowed to really do anything. David Y the manager was leaving. I requested to do a service talk, No one said wait, The entire episode was chaotic. Tom B spends most of his time in the office and on the phone. He bangs the desk with his fist while working things out on paper, he’s actually pretty scary. Not someone I would call for help. Jim Holland reamed him for inaccurate projections. I need to learn that stuff but he is not teaching me and that sucks.
Office hours change, street hours never change. I don’t make myself clear enough. How can I when I feel so intimidated. I am putting on the face and going with the flow as soon as I graduate I am going to get someone to teach me what I need to know. Right now I am just going to put up and shut up, I’ve been in enough trouble.
God help me is all I can say.
Week 15
This week has been a nightmare. I called ville the week before trying to do the right thing.
Barbara have a nice vacation.
Do you want me to work Saturday?
What time should I report?
I was informed that Jillian was shooting her mouth off. That the manager of Cheut Hill was brought into pedc.
My thoughts, Well what do you want me to say?
What happened?
Well that girl has just made herself a bunch of enemies.
Ok Tuesday reported to work. TB says nothing. He is at the supervisors stand up desk instead of the office. I go to the computer in the office and start some morning work…The printer is not working. I go to the stand up desk where Tom tells me we need a new cartridge etc….
I ask--- How is everything?
Good.
What’s going on?
Not much,
Tom works the number in Tacs and Doir. He says nothing to me.
Later he asks, “: Have you done an 1838?” Yes I answer. He takes me to case--- you’re going to count out Keefe.
It is 7:30 the carriers are coming in. He counted the mail etc. I start the count down I am working. Jen Bren prf comes to the case instead of Keefe. I still count her. She declined to count herself. It is about 8. I go to Tom and Mike DeM at the stand up desk. “You are going to work the floor.” Tom B says.
I ask well what has been done, what has been put into Dois. He says all the paper work is done. I really dislike this man; he is just not a good trainer. Great Supervisor, no doubt but not a good trainer. Just like Be Cy, knows the job but doesn’t know hoe to teach it. Arghh more of the same shit…
Later I go into the office TB is in a snit about having to change and adjust clerk schedules because the other supervisor, who was a clerk, doesn’t do her job, at least according to TB.
The oppression I felt was horrid.
At the end of the day, I spend time trying to pry open TB’s mind. We have a talk that I think he productive.
I found out the only reason why I was on the floor was because Jim Holland called. He wants to know if you can work the floor?“Well” I asked, “What do you think?”
“I don’t know.”
Well that was honest, how could he know. First of all, the first two weeks in the station I followed Barbara around like a puppy. The carriers even made jokes about it. But hey, that goes with the territory.
The next week, Barbara let me count mail and work with the carriers, but she sells the time, and when she is off one morning as I was selling time, Mike Do takes the clipboard from me, like I was doing something unthinkable. The look on his face was one of horror. I know they are thinking, she’ll sell out the ship. There was no feedback about anything. I request my evaluation from BH two days in a row, Friday and Saturday….and was told, don’t worry about it. I will get it to you.
That week was ok, but Barbara didn’t have me do any of the time changes that are regularly done … ? Nor could I do the schedule, “Not my schedule!” she said.
What am I supposed to do? She also said, “When I was in training I wasn’t allowed to do anything?” Hummm what is up with this…. I hear that a lot.
There is no consistency in the program that is the truth about the trainers…..
Anyway…Back to TB -- so how could he evaluate my floor performance or any of my performance… So he let me know that I was going to work the floor and he wss going to be hard on me.
So yesterday, he reamed me for not pivoting because we had 18 extra hours in the office. And I didn’t even ask him, why would I ask him anything, every time I asked him something he seemed annoyed. When I asked him Thursday what his impression of the day was, he said he hadn’t made the decision yet. We were under in DOIS and I knew it. But I just let it go… I had saved time even though I had to run the list. Did he say anything to me on Friday, no he didn’t. He looks at me as a lesser because I was a clerk, not a carrier. What a big head this man has!
About the 18 hours, I would have loved to say to him, well let me see, you did the schedule, You called in the entire F set to cover the day when you didn’t need to. If you hadn’t called in every person I could have pivoted people, but You called them in for 8, and you think I am going to send home the two subs who get the shit end everyday, That would not be how I treat my complement. For another fact, You think that I don’t know that Ed L was on a tirade in ally 58 because of the steward election. I was down there, but I did not intervene, I am only here next week, and it is not my place to get involved in something that has been going on in this station for months, and this employee felt obligated to voice his opinion. That is necessary for the work force to be able to speak.
So then he went on about the mail flow, hey, I was paying attention, I was the one who made sure Dale was going to do the hub, I also didn’t answer about the iop report because if I said that to you again, I was afraid you would take my head off again as you did a couple of weeks ago.
More stuff was said this week about my class, and about Jillian. Really I felt like saying, you are so big headed….. TB the great! whooptido
However the same courtesy is not afforded to me, for I don’t even have as much power as a 204b, I cant go out on the street and do any kind of street work without someone, I can’t do 3971’s even though the manager told me to do so, but I didn’t say to him, Mike I cant do them, T B told me so. I am so sick of this.
He says I miss volume but I didn’t miss volume: they inflate their volume, they also don’t count their curtailment. I am so pissed right now it is not funny. I need counseling from this. Is this the way it is going to be when I get to a station?
If my manager hammers me because I mess up, fine and dandy, but my trainer hammers me without me messing up, or about me messing up because I go to him or I don’t go to him. Geesh. God help me!!!
My trainer is not training me, he is testing me. Had I know I was going to have to jump through hoops, I might not have even bothered to try to succeed. My entire disposition toward the program has changed. It sucks.
My friend is also complaining that they too are not getting the training they need.
Some are left to sit and do nothing, others are told to do mundane tasks. Others are told to be quiet. Others are told you don’t cut the mustard. When I get through I am going to write something about this to the postmaster. I best wait for if I open my mouth now they probably won’t pass me.
It is the FIRM
Monday, April 17, 2006
more of the same
went to class today... of course there were the same issues...
reminders that we are still trainees and expected to behave in such a manner
reminders that we have yet to graduate
it is bull shit...
threatening is what I call it
again not allowed to question, or when we question given non specific answers.
i will see where i am assigned next week i really dont give a shit what they do coz it is bs
giving someone no credit for what that person knows is a degrading and a force in itself....
and well my trainer who said ...ill give you a good one gave me a great one until she evaluated me on stuff I didnt do with her, how can she evaluate such things. Ive really had it with the entire process, and right now I feel like quitting. I feel as if I am selling my soul to get someplace... it is like academia... games games games...God give me strength
reminders that we are still trainees and expected to behave in such a manner
reminders that we have yet to graduate
it is bull shit...
threatening is what I call it
again not allowed to question, or when we question given non specific answers.
i will see where i am assigned next week i really dont give a shit what they do coz it is bs
giving someone no credit for what that person knows is a degrading and a force in itself....
and well my trainer who said ...ill give you a good one gave me a great one until she evaluated me on stuff I didnt do with her, how can she evaluate such things. Ive really had it with the entire process, and right now I feel like quitting. I feel as if I am selling my soul to get someplace... it is like academia... games games games...God give me strength
Friday, April 14, 2006
Good Friday
It is the Friday before Easter. I don't have to work having worked til 5 am... but I am exhausted even though I slept well from about 5 til 9 30... I guess 4.30 hours just doesnt do it for me anymore--6 straight is workable, even though I rested on the sofa i still am exhausted...eyes tired no energy tired, but it is really nice outside. Johnny is here for the day and being patient with his tired grandmother. I do feel okay though, 2 weeks left to the program or 10 working days. Two classroom days, 7 days in the station and one graduation day. We get to invite 2 people but I've invited only one, my husband ---i sorted invited my mother, but i dont think she really wants to come, it would be a hassel for her to come up from the cape... Everyone else has school or work so that's that's except for dil...and well, She just drives me mad. She left today before I even got up, she knew Johnny was coming and it is obvious to me that she doesnt like to share the house with the child, which is total bs because he is my grandson too And I am happy to have him here. When will she get over herself? that's what I am wondering. And actually, I wish she would get a job so they could afford to move out, but i dont see that happening either. this journal is becoming a whine mobile. arghhh.
Thursday, April 13, 2006
travel..and unravel...or raveling
humm... drove about 5 hours tonight between going to nwb nashua nwb and back to beantown.... my leg is kicking up badly. tomorrow i will have the two boys, go to build a bear and pray it isnt raining for i wanted to take them to the park. it is 2 am ...we were dimissed abit early which was good. i dont know how much more of this we can all take. two weeks after tomorrow and i have to call my trainer and Vf to find out what is going on with that. the last week we will only have two days in the station whoopee and everyone says report to new job on saturday..also take time off...well i am not putting in for time until i see where i end up and then from there. i would like to have some time off in the summer ...everyone laughs.
got into an argument with jilliam..the girl just doesnt get it... of course the state has standards of learning...i could seriously have some issues with that girl.
got into an argument with jilliam..the girl just doesnt get it... of course the state has standards of learning...i could seriously have some issues with that girl.
Tuesday, April 11, 2006
more of the same...
no evaluation from my trainer yesterday.... vf says.... call her up get her to do her job. it is so frustrating having to ask people to do their jobs. it just sucks. it is so frustrating to be in this program and have all my classmates feel like i feel. we only have 2 plus weeks left and it is torture. God help us all!
Sunday, April 09, 2006
as time goes by
i never wonder about the past, but often about the future, not any more than when i was younger though... i am more fearful of "losing" not wealth, but health, more fearful of "losing" touch with my inner self, and bowing down to the minions.... the other day an argument of sorts took place. a person i work with who has 4 children also, the oldest is 10, the youngest still an infant...
---he said.....i am going to direct my children to where i want them to be. my daughters will be nurses, my son -- he's in sports, he's making connections, I know he wont be a bobby orr but he is still making connections that will be useful for getting a job in a high paying position later in life...
he continued,
it isn't about being happy it is all about money...
i said -- not everyone can be a nurse....
he said....there are other types of nursing careers...
i said, but who wants to be one? a very difficult choice....
and then he said...my wife is a teacher she made a bad choice, she cant teach while the kids are home...
sure she could, i could have continued to argue but why bother...
there are always choices one has to make and from there things are decided...
career / no career
business / arts / humanity / science / politics / education / how many fields
and where is the money?
money does matter but it isnt the only satisfaction in life
i have learned to do without many times in my life, not just clothing but going out, new cars, new lots of things that really just get old and need to be thrown out after awhile... entertainment... ---- you name it, i've gone without because living life and being happy doesnt necessitate always having the best of every "thing" to me, the best part of my life is my relationship with my husband,
integrity, respect and a love that people dream of ...but it has not come about easily....
my innocence in youth perhaps helped me upon this path, but the truths i have witnessed as i have aged and watched my children grow have given me a vision i really dont care to see or to know but nonetheless i have to accept...
still for myself... i choose
for life and living,
the drive to no where
a walk in the woods, or a hike in the hills
lazing on the beach from 9 til sunset
reading and swimming
sleeping til noon
or staying in bed all day and night ... til the next day... if i could
staying up late and watching a good movie even though i know i have to work the next day
making a great dinner and having a small group over for conversation
my family coming together impromptly
and children who have opinions but dont have to argue --- could this be possilbe?
i choose simplicity
if only it were that simple
---he said.....i am going to direct my children to where i want them to be. my daughters will be nurses, my son -- he's in sports, he's making connections, I know he wont be a bobby orr but he is still making connections that will be useful for getting a job in a high paying position later in life...
he continued,
it isn't about being happy it is all about money...
i said -- not everyone can be a nurse....
he said....there are other types of nursing careers...
i said, but who wants to be one? a very difficult choice....
and then he said...my wife is a teacher she made a bad choice, she cant teach while the kids are home...
sure she could, i could have continued to argue but why bother...
there are always choices one has to make and from there things are decided...
career / no career
business / arts / humanity / science / politics / education / how many fields
and where is the money?
money does matter but it isnt the only satisfaction in life
i have learned to do without many times in my life, not just clothing but going out, new cars, new lots of things that really just get old and need to be thrown out after awhile... entertainment... ---- you name it, i've gone without because living life and being happy doesnt necessitate always having the best of every "thing" to me, the best part of my life is my relationship with my husband,
integrity, respect and a love that people dream of ...but it has not come about easily....
my innocence in youth perhaps helped me upon this path, but the truths i have witnessed as i have aged and watched my children grow have given me a vision i really dont care to see or to know but nonetheless i have to accept...
still for myself... i choose
for life and living,
the drive to no where
a walk in the woods, or a hike in the hills
lazing on the beach from 9 til sunset
reading and swimming
sleeping til noon
or staying in bed all day and night ... til the next day... if i could
staying up late and watching a good movie even though i know i have to work the next day
making a great dinner and having a small group over for conversation
my family coming together impromptly
and children who have opinions but dont have to argue --- could this be possilbe?
i choose simplicity
if only it were that simple
Saturday, April 08, 2006
another week gone...
down to only 3 weeks minus one day left. am i going to make it? I best because I never want to have to go through this shit again. Sometimes I really second guess this reality, but then again, I know what is out there is not worse than what i have to deal with. There are three bids still up west roxbury, quincy, two in cambridge and a few more places whoa... what will I be looking at in May...hum hum hum
pouring out
rain washes the earth today, sometimes rain can be so dirty, i wonder what we are doing to our planet or so that is the way of nature, maybe to earthy crunchy but it is true, mankind rages havoc with the planet...
read today zimbawee however you spell it as i have to go to work, age 36 ..life expectancy. i would most likely be dead if i lived there. sad and tragic.
i think about what i can be thankful for and i am...
i just hope my husband gets well...he has been having trouble with his reflux and it gets upsetting to see him suffer
off to work to deal with the carriers, i will just let Barbara sell as i dont want to give the house away.
i know it wont be easy when i am sent wherever but at least i will be able to have some initiative without being watched at every moment. arghhh God help me get through this.
read today zimbawee however you spell it as i have to go to work, age 36 ..life expectancy. i would most likely be dead if i lived there. sad and tragic.
i think about what i can be thankful for and i am...
i just hope my husband gets well...he has been having trouble with his reflux and it gets upsetting to see him suffer
off to work to deal with the carriers, i will just let Barbara sell as i dont want to give the house away.
i know it wont be easy when i am sent wherever but at least i will be able to have some initiative without being watched at every moment. arghhh God help me get through this.
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