giving thanks

i give thanks for my children this Thanksgiving who helped me get everything ready and even helped to clean up.
i give thanks to God and the universe for looking over my son who is out of his mind, but not so out of his mind that he had my baby grandson come by.
i give thanks for being able to work, having a decent job, and also having money to pay my bills, and keep going on.
i give thanks that i can walk because 6 years ago i could not.
i give thanks for being me, and being strong, and having the strength to go on when all seems like what for.
i give thanks for my Johnny cake who gives me reason to smile, and laugh every day.

overdone

by far i am over done, over worked, over worried, over and over and over
it is an over world for me at this moment and there is no other word that is as fitting as the word over because over isnt over even when it is over
it is over... work, laundry....relationships, meetings, day, night, holiday, eclipse, test, dinner, of couse this over is different than the other variables that have to do with over
such as over there
over here
under and over
over and under
over such as on top of....
this i am not
i am not on top of my housework, my laundry, my kids, paying my bills, i am under-- overridden with the overs that i am suppose to have under control, or at least believing so.

it is obsurd that i can mail things on time, but then again if i stopped working then i would have plenty of time to take care of the things i am supposed to be taking care of. this wednesday johnny is coming over, i will try to call h. and see if she will bring the bub over, see there is over and over again. this will make me happy, also i will leave work at 3 pm monday and tues and take my ns off ... this is needed because i am over done....
and i dont want my turkey day to be over done because i could very easily become undone at this moment.

plus, a note to myself, you cant eat ff from mcd's it makes you sick! dont forget.

and to my sister whom i love, if she just happens to pop by,
i do not care if liberals or conservatives are bigger hypocrites... every individual suffers from hypocrazies...hahaha... at times. -- certainly i dont want to be pegged as either a liberal or a conservative, i just want to live!

dreams

sometimes my dreams prepare me for my future, so last night I had the dream of searching for my son, here, there, everywhere I've known him to be, and nothing. So that says to me, that I dont really want to find him, because I dont want to know him right now. The reunion would be one of sword thrusting in .... and slowing being withdrawn... that is how it would be.

i finally told my mother that i wouldnt be going to the cape for turkey day, we will stay home and relax, i need more relaxation time fighting this bug doesnt help my energy level. she said, you know you have to live your life, and i have said that myself, but i have no energy for driving when i only have the one day off.... i dont know if f has more time or not, and he doesnt even know if he has the time either. i put in for time after xmas that i wasnt going to take, but i might take one less day, i cant decide. i am just really worn out i think and that is keeping me from doing other things. f has computer parts all over the place so i am trying to get his stuff together, it is a bit ridiculous as he should be doing it himself. work is okay, but friday bit as half the people didnt show up and well... that just makes it suck.
driving ro again, which isnt bad, but no more personal phone calls to friends and family ... she says she doesnt want to stay... so something might happen who knows.

rain

I finally have my laptop back after months of being in disrepair. The keyboard is soft and nice, they changed the entire board, so that is good.

It is raining, F and I dropped off my car to see if they can finally fix it. I would like it to be finally fixed. I have also been looking at the chrysler milan v 6 ... I like it, it is more sensible than a mini, and 5 grand less. We shall see. Penny pinching is getting me down.

I am exhausted as my body is aching me. We ran about to a bunch of different shops but were unable to find what F was looking for. Figures.

I think Kristy Alley looks great. Kudos to her.

I hope something goes right today, as I cant stay in this funk much longer.

Thinking of going to NYC for the parade ..I know F wont go. I would just like to go once in my life time. oh well...

voting

tonight when i went to vote, i had a difficult time,
the font on the ballot was so small even with my glasses on I had to use a magnifier,
i was not NOT the only one,
even young people voting held their ballots close to their eyes to read....

complaints logged:
better lighting needed
more space, and more privacy, there was NONE

disgusting display in this tech age of cheap voting desks, and even cheaper money spent on what is purported as an inalienable right!!! shame on our state for allowing such cheap ness!

on the other hand my shoulder is still killing me,
havent heard from the son or anyone relative to the situation,
and i am glad i have tomorrow off...
laundry, and well lots of other chores await, but at least i dont have to run out the door at the younger is sick.

sleeping on shoulder

woke at 2 am shoulder sore, unable to move
frozen by the weight of my own self
i know i passed out earlier
the stress makes me sleep
R's friend call, "Havent seen him all day"
I checked the caller ID, the friend called at 11 30 in the morning,
so there it is --- Is he dead? Hurt? Arrested?

My mother called to ask about Thanksgivng ... I have no plans. I dont even have a plan for ourselves. I dont tell her, why and what for... She says she loves me as she hangs up. I believe her, we just dont have the same plane, my plane never steers straight... it is constantly running into turbulence.... on the other hand, i dont know how my mother would handle it all, and why should she have to? when my brothers wanted to live a different life they removed themselves from her, and i see it now, years later how it is easier for her to not talk about it, or what ever it maybe.... and I am not that way, but I am, as I am doing it with my own daughter right now, not seeing i to i, it is her righteousness


I am supposed to attend a baby shower Sunday with the oldest, but I dont think Ill go to that either. I am pissed, my youngest is never invited, the oldest one says, but she, they dont know her, but the man is her god father.... I dont blame her for feeling forgotten. I can send a gift and keep my time for myself --- snob..maybe ...but no...just relative to where i am right now...

Cant even talk about it with people I know, because regardless of their ... sympathy, or support it doesnt help. The weight is there, my shoulder hurts when I move it, but not when I touch it, a sign of weight not injury.

and that is the point...

this weight can not be seen by those that do not know
this weight can not be felt by those who do
everything else is connected to the weight
all perspective is made upon bearing of the weight
and all decisions too.

the weight upon my shoulder is the not knowing
the pain is true, real, physical
anger sits there too
as does frustration, and the knowledge of
the relativity of truth

the weight, i refuse to let it own me
but it is chewing away at me,
i run, but it wont let up,
the disease has taken over
thought that is all i can do

i wonder, if one day I will not be able to get
out of bed, and go to work, and do my job because
they know nothing of what I am going through, it is like a safe
haven. To go there, is peaceful, and then to have someone yell in my face
and point a finger at me, I feel like saying to him, what is your problem
you think your finger shaking and voice mean a thing to me, you are nothing --
i have the strength of a Spartan when it comes to you, you have no idea of the weight I already carry, you are only a feather to me. It is odd... they say I have the toughest job in the office, the truth is it isnt, because if I am not there, someone else will be, and well, all that is not relative to my life, only this weight that i carry, that is killing me.

stress = sleep

too much stress has me exhausted. I need to find some energy somewhere -- today I will not run away but deal with what i must. would much rather run, but the problems will still be here, so i am no. ... bring me the chair