clammy

at 4:59am the sun lingers behind a gray scarf
wonder how long is it
the heat and the moisture meld together
and without the sun humid is here
aching bones reddening eyes
without mr sun the day is night


i ache and my eyes are exhausted
it will be a long week... and i have no camera
which really upsets me...
i will look for one.
i just have to

arghh

bad luck hopefully disappearing

it has been a spell of misfortunate events, bad luck in plain words, yet after the phone call last night from the gated one, who was moved to a different unit and was much happier than in the past few months, i am relieved and hopeful that the omen is subsiding....

There was what the weathermen call "a strawberry moon" the week. It hung in the sky Tuesday when the Celtics won the series, and had a had my camera, ( a bad luck check) I would have taken a great picture and prooved to everyone that indeed, it was not a Strawberry Moon, but A Basketball Moon as Orange as Orange could be in a dark night sky, it even had little black lines at times. Yes, it was a Basketball moon the night the Celtics took back the Championship.

Enough

This afternoon Im going to the game with my cake. That is the Red Soxs. They lost yesterday, not good. Today, they've got to get the muster out and KSA. KO is pitching and that should be exciting for Johnny.

School is winding down for Di and shortly the morning rush wont be there. Ill finish my counts before the 30 and then I wont have to worry until September. Which will be nice. Lots going on with the wedding coming up and we are going to Long Island next weekend. So that will be fun. What to Wear? OMy.. well off to work.......

June

I am exhausted, have has a sore throat for two weeks, post nasal...arghh ...d's prom was last night...so much moola and so little time...it is the last of the rushes ...i think i might be able to try to go back to the gym tomorrow... i am going to focus on taking off some weight....which has not been a focus but merely a hope it would happen with exercise, but my body being peri meno is holding on ...or so it seems....to no have so much stress would be helpful....

away... may 24th

30 years ago today at this time i was checking into bli, which no longer exists as it was, it is now a different hospital, it is modern, it is still cutting edge, but the old building is gone, the white stone brick facade, the sculptured courtyard, the frieze, it is red brick now and a different name, and nearly 7 hours later i delivered my first child, a daughter, pale skin, blue eyes, and bald as a cue ball, but she had an aura, and i felt it and noticed it, today ...30... does it seem possible that was 30 years ago...

27 years ago I lay in the new version of that old hospital with my new born son, same day, he was born in the morning, where she was born in the evening.... two distinctly different births, different children....and today, still the same, same day, different worlds, different delights, different pains....pangs... oh i have them...

ive been sick nearly a week, so sick i am ready to hit the doctors but i dread it...

however, i still yearn for my reserve body to awaken to make me well .... please...it would be better than any pill they can have me swollow...

today is just a sad day for me, ive been through so much trauma the last few months i suppose i am lucky to me going... i am going and going... will be glad when i feel like i can breath again....

thirty years, twenty seven years ago... how impossible it all seems, yet how true it is...

on the other hand my youngest got her results from her sats.... outstanding english, ok math,,,, but acceptable for any state schools we've looked at...and most ivy league too.... perhaps an sat math class would help her... we will see...she't just an awesome kid...

change

There is nothing like experiencing the phenonoma of knowing without knowing. I look for quiet and peace. Will work, mind my business and go forth. Something rotten is in the air.

windmills

the sun set the drive was long after working hours beyond and i drove the path covered with dirty snow streets glistening from the melting yet cruchy like ceral spawled on the kitchen floor, sand on asphalt fog coming down and the city dark woke before me the solitary windmill seen from the highway, but then more and more and more reminding me of the decent or the rise the hills of sanbernadino valley, and the awe of mankind, protect or destroy? at least it is a try though the fog i drive and wonder if i will ever see them again.

carefull

Wow where has time gone

Let me think,

my back went out...that was totally horrid, and at this stage i cant remember when it happened exactly, but i know i was suffering from about dec 17th til after the new year, and then suddenly as if it had never happened i returned to my only half injured self, i joined a gym, and i am trying very hard to be organized and take care of myself --- at that is the key to taking care of myself, if i am organized, i dont get so stressed and that i how i get to do the things i want to do for myself...since going into this job two years ago... it is like wow...where did i go, as i am the same but not, i guess i am stronger now and find it easier to say no... but i am still the same inside, my heart still hurts at this sights and sounds of someone else's pain... so i live with that...

let me go back...

well my husband and daughter...i say, daughter's idea and husband's wallet planned a surprise party for my 50th arghh...i dont know how i made it through that night...it was a wonderful gift to me, and i appreciate it totally but the $$$ geesh i could have bought a new fence for less then that...my sense and sensiblity is still sticking me.... stop stop stop... i have some great photos my sister took but i have yet to get to scanning them...i put them in the book they made me... and well...my sisters are just the greatest that is all i can say about them... and it is just sometimes so sad for me as i am do busy that i dont have a moment to breath...and i just forget to do the things i love to do...how can that possibly be ...it is just the way it is.... but i am going to get my thankyou notes finished in time for valentines day and that will be my plan....

so they had the big party...arghh...then Christmas came and we got the wii games and the competition started...but .... we havent played much lately ...we celebrated two BIG birthdays, the baby is 18 ....and the other younger is 21...how could this have happened.... we went to the midevil manor.... lol wrong spelling ...with the 18 year old and the 21 year old had a roast beef dinner and a 28 dollar bottle of merlot which isnt a lot to pay for a bottle of wine, but at least it was a decent one... two birthday weekends...never mind two nephews who also celebrated their special day too... something else i have to take care of this week... but again...my boss... he called on me to do something to help him out..and i am ... but i am trying to figure if he means for me to do this forever.... he wants me to move into the office in the front but i refused saying i like the office i have...and i do ...it is away from the front of the building and private, plus i have my own bathroom.... which is the best... so that has taken me to now... the failure of me writing and doing anything but taking care of holidays kids birthdays and recovering from my dancing frenzy at my party...oh my God...was that me??? anyway i will live with this til i die.

And that brings me to the current status of my dear husband....who had Vertigo and has taken the medicine incorrectly and is so sick that it is scaring me.... so i pray that he starts to feel better soon, coz i dont know how much i can take him feeling so crappy.

taking care of business....

my bouts of back misery have not helped my preparation for the upcoming holiday...although i have two tiny deer waiting to be placed upon the postage stamp lawn ... they remain in the house getting moved from living room to dining room to kitchen ... they have been tasted by the cat numerous times and sniffed by the dog, knocked over by children and grandchildren, and yet not one big person --- there are many in this house, has thought to place them outside where they belong, initiative -- is there any?

of course if i instructed someone to take them out side and set them up i am sure it would have been done...but i realize too.... sometimes the elders do take it upon him or her self to take or do whatever and the repercussion is .....the district attorney arrives with a zillion questions ...and there are no acceptable answers when one has not asked yet taken, however this is a performance issue.... i do think i will put the little deer out today ignoring everything else i must do -- first the giant wreath...the little deer and they do need a little tree... yes...and we need a little tree too... perhaps i will stop and get one on the way home....that might actually help to hasten my holiday pacing which is a bit on the up hill.

december

December ---

deceased one Uncle Junior
name in paper
no phone call
just the living listed
no one from the past, those already in the grave, not mentioned...
yet remembered...
those living remember, and remembered, and called....
yet the wonderment goes on --
how or why did this happen.

we will go to the wake for remembrance, one cannot change the past
only learn from it...

i learned alot from my mil.... some of what i do not want to be, and also some what i would like to be....

so far this month has completely filled all negative space with something dark and the unknown -- tears.... lots of them --- i wait for Christmas to come and go.... be gone I think, not that it isnt a good time when it gets here, but the angst before it is a killer...and the people around me --- at work, at home, and elsewhere, the tension of dealing with just day to day stuff.... and then the holidays... wow... what a storm.....

frustration....arghhhh

let's see.... on task...but not so sure we made goal today... the clerks are pushing me one way but i am going to push back...tomorrow i am going to make sure i get things the way i want...friggn ds is driving me nuts get out of my face ...arghhh and that is that...cant wait til sun and mon... days off yahooo....

the power of a voice....

after my father passed away my mother kept my father's message on the answering maching for the longest time...after awhile someone said, dont you think it is time, but right now at this time i would love to hear my dad's voice and have his calm, after all he was in management for a long time and he was a strong leader with a way about him ... get people to do what they had to do, and it isnt easy working fot he tax man....so i say cheers to the voices of the dead.... and it would be nice to have a library of them....just some thoughts.

test that didnt work

i used to be able to upload my stuff from word..now it doesnt work...i have to figure that one out. ive become lazy though...wrote the little story...then added some jpegs from the net ...but none copied ...oh well another learn...

Go Patriots...Dont lose faith in yourselves!!

this is a test

A Bub Adventure

By Grammy
From December 2, 2007

Today, Grammy came to Nana's to get me, but I was a little crabby.
Then Nana said, "Do you want to go watch football with Papa and then come back?" I nodded yes and Nana put me in the car seat in Grammy's car.

First we went shopping to the Hilltop for steak, but I fell asleep. Then we went to the pet store. WOW I've never been there before.

First I saw doggies coming out of the store. Hummm, doggies in a store I have never seen that.

When we got into the store, I saw fishes, so many different kinds of fishes that I couldn't count them all if I wanted to. The store had fish tanks lined up against the walls. In each tank there was one kind of fish.
In one tank there were Neons.
In another tank there were Clown fish, in another tank there were Striper fish, and there was Catfish, and even Angel fish. Do you believe it?

I loved looking at those fishes. Grammy had to drive me away.

In the pet store there was a Dog training class going on. In the class there was a huge husky dog that was taller than me. I was afraid of him and told Grammie, “I want to see the fishes.”

Then I saw two beagles, a cocker spaniel, and a dog that looked like Auntie Sybil's new dog Kimba .

I went to see the guniea pigs but there was only one and it was a little fat one and it was scary as it was scurrying around.
There was not a hamster in the store because Santa had taken all the ones they had to the North Pole. Hum, I sure would have liked to see one.

After that I saw the birdies. They did not have any big birds, but they had beautiful Doves, they were chubby and gray, and sitting close together in their cage.
There were little Finches too and Blue birds that were singing.
I said to Grammy, "They are going to escape, and fly away," and I held my hands up and flutter my fingers in the air. Grammy said I did not have to worry because they were still in their cages and couldn't get me. Oh yeah, that's right.

In the lizard section I got to see a Gecko, but he was the only one, too. Where are all the pets I wondered?

Next, I stopped by to see the adoptable cats. These are not baby kittens, but grown cats that people do not want any more. I would have liked to bring one to Grammy’s, but Grammy said one cat is all we can have. I did not put my fingers in the cage, just like Grammy said.

They were all cute, but I wanted to see the fishes again, so back to the fishes we went. I wanted one of those fishes and I said to Grammy, just one fishy to take home, so Grammy looked around and found the male - Beta fish. It is just one fish in a little tank just right for me.

I held my Beta fish in the carriage as we went to the check out. Grammy said I could not shake it or it would die, so I didn't.
Grammy asked the man if my fish could take the cold outside. The man said, "Yes!" So I held onto my Beta fish in the carriage.

As we were leaving the store we passed by the spot where dogs were getting brushed and haircuts. Groomed. We watched them for a long time. They groomed a white fuzzy poodle, and a little black cha-cha dog, and a big big wrinkly dog and then a long hair Australian sheep herder dog. Well I don’t know what kind of dog it was but it looked like the dog from Babe the Pig only it had little legs. After a bit we had to leave cause Grammy said it was getting late. I could have stayed there all day.

At Grammy's house my fish sat on the table. Grammy asked what I was going to name my fish. I told her Dolly. And that is my fish’s name, Dolly. I let Dolly sleep over at Grammy and Papa's house. I can't wait to see him next week.


The End.

another Bub adventure

Today Grammy came to Nana's to get me, but I was a little crabbby. Then Nana said, "Do you want to go watch football with Papa and then come back?" I nodded yes and Nana put me in the carseat in Grammy's car.

First we went shopping to the Hilltop for steak, but I fell asleep. Then we went to the pet store. WOW I've never been there before.

I saw fishes, so many different kinds of fishes I couldn't count them all if I wanted to. The store had fish tanks all lined up against the wall. In each tank there was one kind of fish, like in one tank there were NEONs in another tank there were Clown fish, in another tank there were Striper fish, and there was Catfish, and even Angel fish. Do you believe it? I loved looking at those fishes.

In the pet store there was a Dog training class going on. In the class there was a huge husky dog that was taller than me. I was afraid of him.

I also saw two beagles, a cocker spaniel, and a dog that looked like Auntie Sybil's new dog Kimba.

After that I went to see the Genie Pigs and the hamsters, but there was not a hamster in the store. They said they were waiting until next week for new hamsters because Santa had taken all the ones they had to the North Pole. Hummm, I sure would have liked to see one.

After that I saw the birdies. They did not have any big birds, but they had beautiful Doves, they were fat and sitting close together in their cage. There were little Finches too and Blue birds that were singing. I said to Grammy, "They are going to escape, and fly away," and I was scared. But Grammy said, I did not have to worrry because they were still in thier cages and couldnt get me. Oh yeah, that's right.

In the lizard section I got to see a Gecko, but he was the only one.

Next I stopped by to see the adoptable cats. These are not baby cats, but grown cats that people do not want any more. I would like to get one but Grammy said one cat is all we can have.

They were all cute, but I wanted to see the fishes again so back to the fishes we went. I wanted one of those fishes and I said to Grammy, just one fishy to take home, so Grammy looked around and found the Beta fish. It is just one fish in a little tank just right for me.

I held my Beta fish in the carriage as we went to the check out. Grammy said I could not shake it or it would die, so I didn't. Grammy asked the man if my fish could take the cold outside. The man said, "Yes!" So I held onto my Beta fish in the carriage.

As we were leaving the store we passed by the spot where dogs were getting brushed and haircuts. Groomed. We watched them for a long time. They groomed a white fuzzy poodle, and a little black chichua, and a big big wrinkly dog and then a long hair austrialia sheep herder dog. Well i dont know what kind of dog it was but it looked like the dog from Babe the Pig only it had little legs. After a bit we had to leave cause Grammy said it was getting late. I could have stayed there all day.

At Grammy's house my fish sat on the table. Grammy asked what I was going to name my fish. I told her Dolly. And that is my fishes name, Dolly. I let Dolly sleep over at Grammy and Papa's house. I can't wait to see him next week.

lilRicky

projects

again ive been moved into a special project...will i succeed.... two days now we have made goal, my boss was happy...today however i worked 12 hours to get stuff done that should have been done a month ago...oh well.... cant do everything.

i am so mad at my dr.... her sec faxed the wrong test results to my gyn....they called me.....What's going on...they sent us stuff from January.... arghhh...now i have to wait even longer to find out what the decision is going to be...it may not just be a lap....... arghhh...

i took my b day off..and havent told a soul hahahah...
.i just want to take off and go to NYC... i could and no one would even know ... they could think i am in work and i would be sitting in the theatre enjoying a wonderful play... now that the strike is over that's all i can think about....

mk...got refused for his passport, if he was an illeagle...that's how i'll call it to be politically correct he would have a license and God knows what other identification...here he is an american born kid and he has to have 5 pieces of something to prove it....it is bs that is what it is.

well my new medication is working some what except that i feel like a greased pig and that part sucks. this is just a whine session....and i know it....so much for that ...it is really bugging me that i am turning 50...it just really is...not that i feel so much different but gheeze ive got so much to do in my life...

hp is coming tomorrow to remove her furniture, that will free 1.5 rooms in my house...wow wow.... space yahoo... that is something every one will enjoy...i will be able to use my treadmill and the tv room will be a delight to everyone...welcome back house.

on the other hand rw is not here and i am really really sad about that too...3-5 years he said and it aint even the final count.... not that he isnt a jerk..it is just that feeling fractured sucks...and that is how i feel when we are all together and he is not here...and i think about the times we could be having together with his baby ...the little love that he is and my heart is just ripped up and that is the part that is sometimes killing me the most because i cant think about it, coz if i do i just feel so very very sad...enough bitching...

there is nothing i can do to change the way things are
just keep going and praying and hoping that someday he will gain the strength to be whole...and not be part of that clan that is forever labeled.... a drug addict...
that would be a gift...when i was really sick i prayed to God, make him well, i dont even care if i ever get better if he was to get well...but that didnt happen..and i am still not well... figures...

next thurday i am going to join the senior choir at church - i will be the youngest one there. ha! this is something i will enjoy alleluia...

the unthinkable....

Somehow throughout my life I manage to get myself into trouble, being nice, well.... in the supply closet at work there were some pretty nifty hats, hats that should be given to people not just collecting dust, but i suppose....well i asked the jr manager who they were for, and he told me for a certain crew but that they were never given out, so i ask if i could give one to bn .... who is really deserving of a gift for no reason, a just because gift because he would never qualify for anything in the real of po logic...so i gave him one, you would think it was the best thing, he loves it...wears it with pride...that was a great gift some of the people in there you can give them something and they just wont care...it is only trash to them.....so anyway... the nosey body got ahold of bn and questioned him, where'd you get that hat.... of course he said...supervisor stupid gave it to me ---which by all means i am glad i gave it to him ---- so i get this email in work...
You took a hat out of the supply room and gave it to bn. We will talk about this Monday...from ds...well..you would think she was my boss...i felt like responding yes you fn bi it took it, now what...but... i just ignored her message ....this morning i get another email.... you gave bn a hat from the supply room you must pay jlb 12.00 for the hat as soon as possible.

I answered ....no problem


the truth is my boss never said a word to me, and he probably knows of the story... maybe he is pissed, but i did ask someone about the hats and thinking they were to be given out i saw nothing wrong in giving it out... however my judgment was laxs...yet again....yet i dont care about the 12 bucks.... i am still happy that i gave bn the hat because he appreciates it and wears it with a smile. however i am pissed at the pissy secretary... and feel like asking her what her problem is... i would prefer to not have to work with her as she shows so little courtesy and consideration, she could have just talked to me, but no she email...fine...and i didnt mention it and neither did my boss... so what does he really think? arghhhh

shopping surgery and passports

Fred made it through his surgery, I hope this stops his chocking and hacking in the middle of the night, i know i have reflux, but he has it so horrid, i guess i am pretty used to it all, back takes all the attention... i dont know just cant figure it all out, he's been home three days, and i have been home 1 and i just dont get much done, did take the dd and mike for their passports, if all goes right di will be going to the motherland, Germany and Czech for a world wind tour of numerous depression monument to the Holicaust which isnt a bad thing. I wouldnt mind going myself, but with her school I know she will experience a different kind of trip without me being with her, lots to do as usual. did start the xmas shopping and have about 1/2 of it done...if i get the rest done before the end of the month i will feel good and wont be a nut at the end of the holidays. so much to do around the house i will be glad when i get back on schedule with work so i can spend more time organizing... I am looking forward to Christmas and just enjoying life. i am completely ignoring the result of the pelvic ultrasound... why fix it if nothing is bothering you and surgery is not something i want to add to my holidays. yup lets have fun.

november

yes, somehow, some way, the year is coming to a close, time is not a friend of mine at this moment. I did buy a turkey...and i will have a three day weekend which will be awesome -- perhaps I can get ready for the holiday. Fred's surgery is today, and of course every time he has surgery i get nervous... But hopefully this will help him breath better --- the smoking is over whelming... and he needs to quit, how can i make him...cant... we all die sooner or later he says...oh ill put that on his tombstone. arghhhhh....

from my iphone

This is totally amazing, blogging from my iPhone? Is this possible
iguess this is the test.