avoiding going to work

this morning I wonder where the weekend went, well yes, i worked Saturday so that was 1/2 of it, and i have so much work to do at work I am avoiding it at all costs. It is just too crazy to continue but I will... back to the grind where I really dont want to be I would rather be home with the fam....but I am going in now to see what I can get accomplished which probably is not much.

Just a jaunt

This Thanksgiving I had a wonderful overnight trip to New York City with my grandson, and my husband ----in tow --- I say my husband was in tow because he never traveled to NYC with us before, and Johnny and I, when we get to the city, we spark, we awaken, we perk.

It was the middle of the afternoon by the time we checked into our hotel room. We had dinner, then it was after 6. My husband was tired, he wanted his constitutional nap.

Johnny was excited and unable to rest -- as was I. We put on our walking faces and went to Rockerfeller Center first.... we visited the ice rink, Prometheus, the Nintendo store. Johnny remembered it being there last year --- Then we took our usual jaunt down 5th avenue. By the time we could see Central Park it was very dark, and the air had a chill, but we stuck together and stopped to gaze at window displays in Bergdorf and Goodman.

Ever since I've been visiting NYC -- these are the windows that entice, pique, and satisfy something in me beyond the material or any holiday wrapping, these windows cling to me as a spiritual gift --- satisfying something in side my heart and mind....

and this night I saw my mother's eye, Can you see it? My mother make cakes and she made them before I can even remember...and this window...posted before --- cakes rich with decorator's frosting is her style,and although she couldnt be with us on this trip, I saw her and will always see her when I look at this...

After our 15 block walk, Johnny begged, can't we take a ride Grammy -- You see- in one of those bicycle taxis... and I said, Johnny, let's see what it cost?

A young man called to us, Hey do you want a ride? His accent was foreign what nation I do not know, not Spanish but Mediterranean? and we said how much, 20 bucks he said, Where are you going? 44th and 6th. We climbed in...

He rode with abandon down 5th Avenue, Johnny yelled and called out with joy! Woah Wow, ahha and The taxi driver pedaled faster swerving in an out between cars. I held onto the side -- whoosh whoosh we rode.... Johnny and I grinned foolishly at each other when we came to a red light but didn't stop fully, the driver pedaled backwards... and forwards and off again we went with the flow of yellow taxis and Christmas lights glittering in our eyes.

The best ride for one of our best walks. When we got back to the hotel, Papa was awake and ready to go out to Times Square, he'd never been there before, and even though it was crowded, he willingly walked up to the Hersey's store where he bought the freshest GoodNPlenty on Earth...as we usually do... only this time, he was there. And he even liked it. What more to be Thankful for? The Parade, and oh it was just as good as seeing it on tv, only Better coz it was a perfect day in November.

wonderous life

dream fulfilled

college trip weeknd

here we go--

same ole me

it is weeks since i have written, stress brings me here more often than not... i am insecure and perhaps it is showing. i guess i need to let this go and have a vacation. selivie.

needles needless

for a couple of months ive told my boss that i need help... so now someone is coming in, but i am a bit perturbed. i dont want to lose my job, maybe i just need to move on from my job, and that would be fine with me. i dislike the bs that is happening and i need to talk to my boss... two new 204 b's and it is just ridiculous.

october19th

Watching the soxs my stomach churns up and down, i clean a little here and there unable to sit still, fred dips from station to station flipping back and forth driving me mad.... work is still tough --- too much to do and just too many employees who cant see the writing on the wall... not worth it

today the house was full... kids running in and out, small and tall, i felt myself smiling as i made brunch for us all... this is true happiness in choas... the children are just happy....no worries not a care not a woe... the bub had to leave early... i brought him to his bath, no i dont want to go, i want to stay here... i dont like... it was hard to let him go, but i know he would have fun where he was going.... his father calls, less crazy then he has been and that felt right ---


the family has been feeling sad... sad for ricky who is away from us and we cant even touch him if we went to see him. it doesnt feel right.. it feels ugly and i hate the system for what it is....this is punishment...and what the gf is doing is too... there is nothing we can do but try to support him...and st says it is our fault..you said people fall in love and stay together, but people dont. and it is true today, love is not a perfect science, love is not always something good, love can be sadness and forgiveness unfulfilled, love you may love a person but that doesnt mean you should marry that person, what makes a perfect marriage> the ability to give and recieve when what where and how whatever it is is needed... how tragic a description is that for love.

sept 24

i will be getting some help at my job...that will be a blessing, i need to be able to have a life.

tomorrow is our anniversary ... i am trying to think of a gift for Fred who never says that he wants anything.... well except for cigarettes yek...

anyway
time tumbles on... it is already wednesday and i have to make out the schedule. the clerks think that the new hours do not start until october, but they need to start now to come into effect. ill still have to eat 80 hours but so be it, it will free up another 80... and Chelsea needs somebody.


my life is all incompassed by my job right now, i would prefer to not have it so rich and to go into other facets. ive been working my butt off... oh well..so be it. i've put in for vacation around thanksgiving...i dont want to lose it.... no i dont.

still over not

climb over the knotted hill
it is easy but down is not so nice
mis footings tumbles bumps
bruised, how did I end up on such a path

leap jump how I wish it were just that
easy... but i am going to look

why not

what day is it?

Sept 18th, time is running me, my day is full before it starts.... i have so much laundry to do i need a maid. help is what i need overwhelemed at worka and home. yes, and the postal service is using my man Einstein on its employee theft program... hummmm what would he say about that.

oh well another day awaits.

a topical paradise lush ferns beach the beach salt air sand... i oculd use a little of that

exhausted

noise makes me cringe, my eyes slope
my head pounds easily at any noise
i want to crawl back into bed and feel the covers
comfort me, as nice blankets do comfort
just as a man's hug or being held when so
worn down from the day night or just so
overwhelmed with work

i want to say, i need a day off... as i do

tomorrow tomorrow... what will come will be

didnt get home til after 9 from the Bubs party. He is just a sweet boy, not a whine, not a cry. He really is an angel.

The way he plays and he is just so happy... it is great.

I didnt buy him much he has so much stuff but I did get him some Wonder Pet cd's as he loves the Wonder Pets... the Wonder Pets save the Beatles I wonder what that is about, and Nursery Rhymes too... but I brought some nice balloons and it was a great party, even though I was late. Thank God, Bus was there on time with Johnny, my job is just too much sometimes.

The Bub turns three

Today the Bubbins as we call him is three. He is truly growing to be a boy of strength and wit. Last evening before returning to his Nana and Momma he was very intent as he sat upon my bed telling the story of the Three Little Pigs, now the first pig, he said, built a house of sticks, and the wolf said, I'll huff and puff and blow your house down, and then a bunch of gibberish and the wolf said again, ill huff and puff and blow the house down, and he did!! So I said to the Bub, what was the first house made of? Twigs he said, and what was the second house made of? Sticks, and the third? Bricks, and the wolf could blow that house down.

His mother has returned home and he loves her, but he still wants his Nana all the time, yet when they were in my bed, the two grandchildren telling their version of stories... it was calm and quiet and relaxing... that is what story telling is... peaceful

on the other side of the mountain however is my job which is so stressfilled at this time I can only hope it gets better.

arghhh

who to vote for

I am disgusted at the democratic party. I am disgusted at men. Hillary should have been president. I would rather vote for John McCain and Sarah Palin.

My husband however perks up at Palin. He thinks she is cute. I can tell. It is like in the morning before work, if I am in dressed in one of my suits...wow.... the just "you look good" and the eyes.

To some men a woman in a suit with her hair up is just an invitation to loosen her up. a challenge hahaha

anyway... She certainly is a representation of alot of working American women with children building careers. The choices arent easy and they require a mate to do it or a lot of money for childcare assistance. But it is a very real deal.

the fall comiing in

goals
to get organized again, somehow my office at home and work... disasters
to get back to the gym -- my car is fixed supposedly...
to not worry so much that my insides feel like they are grinding
to breath deep before i speak
to have a real vacation some place warm and sunny with a beach

no glasses

it is a different world when you wear glasses and then you opt to go without, especially when writing and not using spell check. I laugh at my mistakes. oh well. I should fix them but I havent...it is my blog and if i want to be lazy or messy or however i think i shall be...especially since ive moved my office and i have the biggest disaster going... it is going to take the next week to straighten all things out. 15 days til our anniversary...what shall we do...hummmm

September is up

Ir is September 9th, wow, Johnny and Steph are still here with us. The family is a large family again. We have dinner at the dining room table, and many discussions I dont really want to have, we just have them because this family has so many things to discuss. Dinner is A one Act play most of the time, sometimes II.

The Dinner
Act I
Scene I

Sone one sets the table or
I put the food on the table and we do help yourself

Where are the napkins? Use your napkin.

If you dont have napkins in the holder someone better
get them or Ma will freak,

no napkins no dinner.

I dont freak

Oh yes you do,

you have your particular way of saying--
Dinner will not continue without napkins on the table.

So be it, what is wrong with napkins?

Nothing.

(Contented )everyone has his or her napkin... dinner resumes

Dad cant cook on the grill
He burns everything

Well that grill cooks fast

Yeah, you try it

Even I burned the burgers today

Who wants salad

I had some

Where is the butter

Oh D will you get the butter/

Any thing else?

Where are the paper plates?

In the pantry.

Don't you have anything else?

What did you cook for me?

Nothing Special?

We are not the vegatarian: I dont know what you wanted:

I am not cooking special
food for you.

I work too many hours.

He is going to do this

She is going to do that.

The car is broken down. AGAIN

Let's not talk about Ma's car.


Did you see this movie.
Did you see her this morning.
And who bore the brunt of her wrath.
The Cake.

Oh he shakes his head, Yup,( he twirls his finger beside his temple)
She was psycho, I mean psycho....

SHHHH dont let her see you doing that. She is your mother you know.


Close curtain.


There is alot here going on. Sometimes it is too much, but I still smile even if it makes me nuts.

end of the what summer

This weekend came and went but not without thunder as I again seems to just not be able to keep my mouth shut when I should know it is futile, my entire life with my mother seems futile when it comes to explaining my take on certain behavior that is unnecessary. I dont need to be around someone who is critical of me and not just me, all in the world who made the decision to have children. I dont want to hear it, it is old and oppressive and just plain inappropriate if said around kids. However as our family makes peace... it is ignored just like the millions of other things that have happened through out time... ignore it, oh i am, but the next time i visit and this person starts ... i am going to say, why dont you go have therapy for this adversion of yours because i dont know if you are ever going to get over the decision that YOU decided not to have children. that might just be caustic enough, or maybe i should say to someone, i dont want to deal with you when you are fn drinking, just as you said, you dont want to deal with fn kids. what could have been a wonderful day and actually was a wonderful day in many ways, has been soured by my own inability to just say...why do you care...and it is not that i do care so much because they dont have anything to do with my life for the most part but i would like to just enjoy being at my mother's without all the pretentious bs they fling.

on the other hand my grandson had a great time with my other brother who generously took him quohogging after the temper tantrum by the 40 plus year old. Such a difference in men, of course one stands his ground, I think he must have to. The other, he must have whip marks we just cant see.

clammy

at 4:59am the sun lingers behind a gray scarf
wonder how long is it
the heat and the moisture meld together
and without the sun humid is here
aching bones reddening eyes
without mr sun the day is night


i ache and my eyes are exhausted
it will be a long week... and i have no camera
which really upsets me...
i will look for one.
i just have to

arghh

bad luck hopefully disappearing

it has been a spell of misfortunate events, bad luck in plain words, yet after the phone call last night from the gated one, who was moved to a different unit and was much happier than in the past few months, i am relieved and hopeful that the omen is subsiding....

There was what the weathermen call "a strawberry moon" the week. It hung in the sky Tuesday when the Celtics won the series, and had a had my camera, ( a bad luck check) I would have taken a great picture and prooved to everyone that indeed, it was not a Strawberry Moon, but A Basketball Moon as Orange as Orange could be in a dark night sky, it even had little black lines at times. Yes, it was a Basketball moon the night the Celtics took back the Championship.

Enough

This afternoon Im going to the game with my cake. That is the Red Soxs. They lost yesterday, not good. Today, they've got to get the muster out and KSA. KO is pitching and that should be exciting for Johnny.

School is winding down for Di and shortly the morning rush wont be there. Ill finish my counts before the 30 and then I wont have to worry until September. Which will be nice. Lots going on with the wedding coming up and we are going to Long Island next weekend. So that will be fun. What to Wear? OMy.. well off to work.......

June

I am exhausted, have has a sore throat for two weeks, post nasal...arghh ...d's prom was last night...so much moola and so little time...it is the last of the rushes ...i think i might be able to try to go back to the gym tomorrow... i am going to focus on taking off some weight....which has not been a focus but merely a hope it would happen with exercise, but my body being peri meno is holding on ...or so it seems....to no have so much stress would be helpful....

away... may 24th

30 years ago today at this time i was checking into bli, which no longer exists as it was, it is now a different hospital, it is modern, it is still cutting edge, but the old building is gone, the white stone brick facade, the sculptured courtyard, the frieze, it is red brick now and a different name, and nearly 7 hours later i delivered my first child, a daughter, pale skin, blue eyes, and bald as a cue ball, but she had an aura, and i felt it and noticed it, today ...30... does it seem possible that was 30 years ago...

27 years ago I lay in the new version of that old hospital with my new born son, same day, he was born in the morning, where she was born in the evening.... two distinctly different births, different children....and today, still the same, same day, different worlds, different delights, different pains....pangs... oh i have them...

ive been sick nearly a week, so sick i am ready to hit the doctors but i dread it...

however, i still yearn for my reserve body to awaken to make me well .... please...it would be better than any pill they can have me swollow...

today is just a sad day for me, ive been through so much trauma the last few months i suppose i am lucky to me going... i am going and going... will be glad when i feel like i can breath again....

thirty years, twenty seven years ago... how impossible it all seems, yet how true it is...

on the other hand my youngest got her results from her sats.... outstanding english, ok math,,,, but acceptable for any state schools we've looked at...and most ivy league too.... perhaps an sat math class would help her... we will see...she't just an awesome kid...

change

There is nothing like experiencing the phenonoma of knowing without knowing. I look for quiet and peace. Will work, mind my business and go forth. Something rotten is in the air.

windmills

the sun set the drive was long after working hours beyond and i drove the path covered with dirty snow streets glistening from the melting yet cruchy like ceral spawled on the kitchen floor, sand on asphalt fog coming down and the city dark woke before me the solitary windmill seen from the highway, but then more and more and more reminding me of the decent or the rise the hills of sanbernadino valley, and the awe of mankind, protect or destroy? at least it is a try though the fog i drive and wonder if i will ever see them again.

carefull

Wow where has time gone

Let me think,

my back went out...that was totally horrid, and at this stage i cant remember when it happened exactly, but i know i was suffering from about dec 17th til after the new year, and then suddenly as if it had never happened i returned to my only half injured self, i joined a gym, and i am trying very hard to be organized and take care of myself --- at that is the key to taking care of myself, if i am organized, i dont get so stressed and that i how i get to do the things i want to do for myself...since going into this job two years ago... it is like wow...where did i go, as i am the same but not, i guess i am stronger now and find it easier to say no... but i am still the same inside, my heart still hurts at this sights and sounds of someone else's pain... so i live with that...

let me go back...

well my husband and daughter...i say, daughter's idea and husband's wallet planned a surprise party for my 50th arghh...i dont know how i made it through that night...it was a wonderful gift to me, and i appreciate it totally but the $$$ geesh i could have bought a new fence for less then that...my sense and sensiblity is still sticking me.... stop stop stop... i have some great photos my sister took but i have yet to get to scanning them...i put them in the book they made me... and well...my sisters are just the greatest that is all i can say about them... and it is just sometimes so sad for me as i am do busy that i dont have a moment to breath...and i just forget to do the things i love to do...how can that possibly be ...it is just the way it is.... but i am going to get my thankyou notes finished in time for valentines day and that will be my plan....

so they had the big party...arghh...then Christmas came and we got the wii games and the competition started...but .... we havent played much lately ...we celebrated two BIG birthdays, the baby is 18 ....and the other younger is 21...how could this have happened.... we went to the midevil manor.... lol wrong spelling ...with the 18 year old and the 21 year old had a roast beef dinner and a 28 dollar bottle of merlot which isnt a lot to pay for a bottle of wine, but at least it was a decent one... two birthday weekends...never mind two nephews who also celebrated their special day too... something else i have to take care of this week... but again...my boss... he called on me to do something to help him out..and i am ... but i am trying to figure if he means for me to do this forever.... he wants me to move into the office in the front but i refused saying i like the office i have...and i do ...it is away from the front of the building and private, plus i have my own bathroom.... which is the best... so that has taken me to now... the failure of me writing and doing anything but taking care of holidays kids birthdays and recovering from my dancing frenzy at my party...oh my God...was that me??? anyway i will live with this til i die.

And that brings me to the current status of my dear husband....who had Vertigo and has taken the medicine incorrectly and is so sick that it is scaring me.... so i pray that he starts to feel better soon, coz i dont know how much i can take him feeling so crappy.