For the first time i

For the first time in week’s ive a moment to myself, it is 154 in the morning and just about everyone is asleep.  Tears slip from my eyes… so many thoughts, too many decisions to make, some worry, some fears, so much change in the past month ---

What I as has been blown away.

The holidays are coming, and I hate/love the holidays.  So much pressure, so much work, so much expectation. so much happiness, but then so much sadness too.  I cant bear it at times, the less fortunate=== what do they do… scoff at the holiday fools…those who have not a care what do they do>…what ever they choose… and me torn between helping and giving and getting… yes I like to get … and I’m being honest here…. Too many times I have gone without so others can have things, and well, im just working too hard to not have what I want too, at least once in awhile.===


Beside me on the desk --- is this thing call a peach puppy ---- a decision about a complaint that I filed… Do I have hope and expectations that I’ve won…no… I’ve lost without even going to get the answer.

I’ve lost because I let my back injury kill my dream, I’ve let money determine my fate.  So that makes me cry, but I have my other dream, the one I’m working on …some what… and well…maybe that is just what I need to do…keep writing… and let it all come out some how or some way.  

My peace has been disrupted… Son up and out the door, it’s two a.m.  
M R’s been arrested.  
For what?
Driving on the highway/
His parents--- do they know?
NO, that’s why we are going to get him out
He wasn’t drinking?  Was he?
Not that I know of.

It: Alternative

I pray for my sister who is fighting cancer …keep fighting
It is too scary to explain

I pray for my son who is fighting addiction.  keep fighting
It is too scary to explain

I pray for my daughter who is still recovering from a divorce.
It is too scary to explain

I pray for my other son and my other daughter too.
Growing up is sooooo
Scary to explain

I pray for my husband. To quit smoking
If you get lung cancer ---
That is too scary to explain too…

What is not too scary to explain?

It is not too scary for me to say I miss my 7 year old grandson, probably too much
It is not too scary to say that I know I have some decisions to make.
It is not too scary to say, Where is Time going?

It is too scary to think that I can’t even talk to my sister because I am so upset about her being so sick that I cry and she just doesn’t need to hear me crying about what she probably wants to cry about but she cant because she has to be so fucken strong and just keep believing that she is going to beat this thing.

What an idiot I am.