Mom

Mom I miss you.  I really do.  I know you must be in a better place   I love you

My Dad

My World

Momma

I feel you sometimes, I smell you sometimes,

It seems like you are touching me sometimes

I hurt sometimes, not because you have gone but 

Yes because you have gone to some place that I too 

Will go to someday, and it hurts not because I know some day I will go there too

But because 

I have this vacant space where we all come from and you have gone

That I filled with you

 

Space, this great frontier,

the light is always on for you to come visit me if you will

In a dream, in a spirit, in the innocence of a child

Like Scarlett who stuck her tongue out in the picture that day, 

She just reminded me of you.

I really try not to cry and actually I think I have been doing very well, except for

Yesterday and today, I guess I have been just too busy to see the vacancy light go on 

in

 

My world.  I don’t want to fill your space with anyone else’s

I don’t want to fill the time I had for you with anything or anyone else

I don’t want to stop sharing those moments 

I don’t want to stop having those thoughts, what would Mom like?

What does Mom need? What would Mom think? What can I surprise Mom with?

What would make Mom happy? What can I do to make things easier, better for Mom?

These thoughts are not suppositions. And I am sure that many have these thoughts

I have a vacancy, thoughts are filling it up but they are all for you Mom

 

10/19/2015

 

 

So life goes on

Today it is 16 days since my Mom died.  Every night I cry. Every day. I know she is in a better place but I still miss you mom. I still miss you

Pain and suffering

Here is something I wrote.  It is not for the booklet as I know me.  Now that my mind is truly reflecting on what we have been through these past through months. Lots of thoughts will come to me.  If you prefer me not to share them. Privately text me it is ok. We really did experience something remarkable spiritual painful and joyful all at once.  Love you all. 

October arrived September gone but I am still in September. I am still back Sunday to Monday to Tuesday. Days but only 1

Time could have been measured like medicine or the sounds of the phone or the beating of hearts or the tempo of breathing too loud.  To us signs of struggle but to the one leaving passing on just the process. I think the process sucks.  Sorry yes there are many other words that could be used

Dehumanizing

Strip the person of all control. There is fear there you can see it. No matter how much you care no matter how much you want to help at some times. No matter how they say. You can make her comfortable there are those horrid moments that stab you, slice you like a sword splitting you from head to groan. I want to say she was fine in the end. I want to believe it. Today it really comes to me that she suffered more than I but who am I wanted her to.  and I know the suffering is offered to help others so perhaps it is offered to us as a reminder. No matter how good you are. No matter how much you might think you won't have to suffer or have suffering regardless of how much you have had  already or perhaps have not ---remember to offer your suffering up so that others might not

Love u