December 13

I thought Gabby would come today. I hope Tuesdsy for my birthday whst s gift she would be. If not Wednesdsy

Mom

Can it happen again?  Win I mean. Can we ?

Mom

We won. You were watching!

Tears

Today is Sunday. I would be with you.  Making sure you have what you need. Maybe doing something special. I would say. mom. Say go Patroits and they would win. Always you were the best cheerleader. Oh well. Can you be an angel right now. Let this be in my mind. 

I loved you

Mom

Mom I miss you.  I really do.  I know you must be in a better place   I love you

My Dad

My World

Momma

I feel you sometimes, I smell you sometimes,

It seems like you are touching me sometimes

I hurt sometimes, not because you have gone but 

Yes because you have gone to some place that I too 

Will go to someday, and it hurts not because I know some day I will go there too

But because 

I have this vacant space where we all come from and you have gone

That I filled with you

 

Space, this great frontier,

the light is always on for you to come visit me if you will

In a dream, in a spirit, in the innocence of a child

Like Scarlett who stuck her tongue out in the picture that day, 

She just reminded me of you.

I really try not to cry and actually I think I have been doing very well, except for

Yesterday and today, I guess I have been just too busy to see the vacancy light go on 

in

 

My world.  I don’t want to fill your space with anyone else’s

I don’t want to fill the time I had for you with anything or anyone else

I don’t want to stop sharing those moments 

I don’t want to stop having those thoughts, what would Mom like?

What does Mom need? What would Mom think? What can I surprise Mom with?

What would make Mom happy? What can I do to make things easier, better for Mom?

These thoughts are not suppositions. And I am sure that many have these thoughts

I have a vacancy, thoughts are filling it up but they are all for you Mom

 

10/19/2015

 

 

So life goes on

Today it is 16 days since my Mom died.  Every night I cry. Every day. I know she is in a better place but I still miss you mom. I still miss you

Pain and suffering

Here is something I wrote.  It is not for the booklet as I know me.  Now that my mind is truly reflecting on what we have been through these past through months. Lots of thoughts will come to me.  If you prefer me not to share them. Privately text me it is ok. We really did experience something remarkable spiritual painful and joyful all at once.  Love you all. 

October arrived September gone but I am still in September. I am still back Sunday to Monday to Tuesday. Days but only 1

Time could have been measured like medicine or the sounds of the phone or the beating of hearts or the tempo of breathing too loud.  To us signs of struggle but to the one leaving passing on just the process. I think the process sucks.  Sorry yes there are many other words that could be used

Dehumanizing

Strip the person of all control. There is fear there you can see it. No matter how much you care no matter how much you want to help at some times. No matter how they say. You can make her comfortable there are those horrid moments that stab you, slice you like a sword splitting you from head to groan. I want to say she was fine in the end. I want to believe it. Today it really comes to me that she suffered more than I but who am I wanted her to.  and I know the suffering is offered to help others so perhaps it is offered to us as a reminder. No matter how good you are. No matter how much you might think you won't have to suffer or have suffering regardless of how much you have had  already or perhaps have not ---remember to offer your suffering up so that others might not

Love u

Mom

Dear Momma.  I love you so.  Be in my heart. Hold my soul

Death

I've watched death come before. But this time it is different.  Blue feet bluest erytial eyes. They look into you almost showing a glimpse of another life.  I love you mom. Let it go.  Let her go I want to say to her body. Do not make her suffer bro not try to capture her soul. She is tired. Let her go 

Poem by my daughter

A Garden of Weeping Daughters

🌱🌱🌱🌱🌱🌱🌱

What is a garden

Without dew?

Without that which is wet

But that nourishes?

What is the old rose

That sheds her petals

Amongst the suppleness 

Of her daughters?

🌹

A small girl gently wails

Her delicate mouth looking for the nectar

Of her mother

Curling herself into the warmth

And sighing before she rests for the night

A young woman  loses tears

Spilling over dark and heavy lashes

Thinking of her mother

And wanting to be close

Wondering how she will ever be able to rest tonight despite the quiet bundle breathing at her side

A woman cannot cry as she has before

Sitting too calmly at the side of her mother

In a somber darkness

The world is buzzing and folding and she knows that this is the last night

She will feel the warmth of her mother

A gray woman has tread this earth

For nearly 9 decades 

She has birthed 

And nourished

And traveled

And she has loved

She has kissed the robe of the Pope

She has kissed the feet of dozens of babies

She kissed the love of her life for more than 50 years

She has been loved 

And she is trying to rest

As daughters of daughters of daughters look for light and warmth as they grow

In this garden of weeping women

Who are also strong 

And full of nourishment

And searching for rest

She is trying to find peace

And the old rose

Is in the garden

Losing her petals

Kissing her kin

With these remnants of her beauty 

She, who blossomed so long ago

And rose in thorns and sunlight 

Is ascending softly

She is loved.

She is a legacy.

She is showered in dew.

She is not leaving

She is going home

To the earth

To the Earth.

Vacation life

Blue

Momma likes her blue blanket and my blue shirt. She likes the blue dress better

On vacation for 2 weeks

Yeah!!!

Cape

TDown cape with Mom. Made cranberry orange muffins. Soo good

She actually ate one happily.  Sleeping with her hot chocolate on her lap. With a nice smile on her face

She is really happy. This is difficult watching her sleep.  Going to do some cleaning and keep busy.  Love us Mom

Ing

This is hell

Ugh

Pics

Cape

At the cape again worried and I don't know why. Silence and the meds make her lose track of time. I still have a headache and my eyes hurt.  Finding it hard to deal with everything's. Pray pray I say pray for help to get you through.  That's all you can do

Tuesday

Today I am completely exhausted. Could big get to sleep. Now up early with a headache.  Back to work. Not that I mind my job at all. I just really have z headache.  Dress is taking its toll on me. It is 4 months with Bell's palsy.  My fear is that it will will me on the other side. And we'll.  hopefully by the time our vacation comes it won't be so bad

I actually feel like eating

Well this is a change.  

Also saw Gollum today. You're pinching me she said. But I wasn't and then she said it again. I gave her my wrist and said. Pinch me

She pops up from having her eyes closed and says. I'll have a crab cake please. Would you like a salad?  A small salad.  No. The crab cake and then we'll see.

Sleeping Beauty

She opens her eyes and says good morning!  A faint smile and her eyes are tired.  How are you?

I'm happy I'm still here ---but I wonder if she means it.  I should stop wondering I suppose.

She asks for Tea. And I ask do you want breakfast?  1/2 hour later? A banana? No. I had opened it so I eat it myself.  1/2 hour later---  how about breakfast?  No. How about bacon?  Ok

I bring her two strips of bacon and she eats them in between resting her eyes. No juice.  2 sips of tea. Eyes closed again   Sleeping

She opens her eyes and looks at her watch. 1030.  Closes her eyes

No paper has come. Will that wake her. I need to change her

Monday

Today mom is not that hungry. She did have her fav cherry yogurt at 9 pm. She also watched paradise. Crazy reality show. She cracks me up.  I must drive her crazy with my phone. She doesn't say anything.  Ken will be down for classes.  All is as it will be I guess.  Sometimes I just watch her breathing making sure she still is.  As long as she is eating  once she stops it won't be good 

Truth

Today mom said.  I want to be home

But you are home

No she said. This is a bed. Fact 

Lolly rises

More wandering

Mom rests.  I see her hand reach out.  I sit beside her doing nothing. Praying the Lord's Prayer.  I do not want her to suffer.  I do not wish for her death but deep Jesus.  I wish for her to be peaceful without pain without worry. Without want. 

Wandering

Sitting with Mom. Her breathing is rough. They brought in oxigen but she doesn't want it.  Was up for approx 2 hours.  HHA and nurse are supposed to come today.  My brothers that are here but don't want to give up time are just ridiculous. If it is the 

Scarlett turned 1