Friday Jan 27

How is it that time just goes by so fast all of a sudden one month is gone and on is upon
how is it that 25 years have gone by since I had my little Mikey... so cute and now today 25
how is it that i say wow...wow...wow alot lately and laugh at myself for my foolishness, and think that in 8 years i hope i can retire and then maybe something else...
i just hope i make it there...so many people don't make it to 62... that isnt that old..
but like Fred worrying because he is going to be 60 this year
Would you like a superparty...
a 60's party, no he says...
i have think of something else...
a pack your bags we are out of here sonny for him.
time to do the taxes and the fasa....
time to get on with things.
the two boys are coming to sleep over tomorrow
and tonight is Mikey's birthday party.
i dont know what is happening with Johnny...
that i need to explore ...
plain and mundane that is today
and ill take it..
still nursing sore throat and laryngitis...however you spell it

Jan26

Yesterday turned out to be a good day
and a day with bedlam in it....
sometimes fun, sometimes crazy but in all
Mom had some excitment which was good for her...
now she is back in quiet
I always bring a little zanyness to the situation
not that i try to but it happens
the comcast guy came and fixed the phone and hence the alarm
the alarm went off while i was talking to the adt personal...
the code did not work immediately, as if there was a delay
then it shut off, i called back the alarm company, no big deal it seemed
then my sister called, hummmm the alarm...
then the police showed up
then the neighbors down the street
and next door were there and out
Mikey was out side smoking.
the cop asked if everything was all right
yes, would you like to come in
no what is your name
it was 3 minutes of insanity
that exhausted Mom, but we laughed about it later
but Mikey and I brought her a happy meal, and it was cute
and she didn't even eat the entire thing...
as it had a sliced apple pack...
but she said it was good and she was happy!
and that is what a Happy Meal is all about.
We went food shopping and to the po and cvs
She wobbled a little bit and that made me nervous.
She needs to get out more I said to Fred
If he gets his car fixed maybe then he can take her out
1 day... I can't wait til it gets a little warmer
even though it has been mild
I hope my sister can come after school is out.
Mom could really use the company.
my psorisis on my elbow is ugly
why do i have to have this horrid disease
ugh

enough whinny...off to work bleck too too
if i had a million i would just quit my job...
or a least only work a 3 day week..
that would be heaven!

Alastair growing up

eyes watering

i cry alot lately when no one is around. the pain is unbearable. all the good things keep me sane and on top, it is when i am alone the fog comes down on me
i feel the grief
i feel the fear
i feel the unrest
i feel the sorrow
i feel the desire
i feel the craving
i feel the wishes
i feel the little ounce of humble ness in you crying to get out
i wish it was that which filled your heart soul and mind
your body too....

i like disney world because it takes all my horrow and makes it seem unreal
thank God for a place like that
it let's me be a kid again some place i havent been since i was around 10

quiet

the humming is loud but it is the machine
the machine calling you back to it
it lulls me to sleep, eyes seek out my pillow
rest, warm covers, hand holding, hugs and
cuddles
how i wish i could just stay in bed all day!

Wasted

Ha. Wasted the night sick in bed. Job stressing me out. Need vacation again!

Emotional

Ian as emotional as a geyser spurting spouting shooting the pain makes me writh within wounded twisted tortured tormented that must be how it is

I could not imagine a deeper hell. A visit to Hades everyday a journey of want and desire never able to have enough not high enough to take away the non reality that it creates until it is such a heavy burden.

Well it is done

They took him down to Nashua Street
Long time since I been there. I'm not going to visit him. But I am glad he is somewhat safe and not dead. He is like a dead person
And cops suck judgmental pricks. Their righteousness will come back to destroy them

Snow

pure white i can smell it
fresher than soap but it will change as we touch it
turning white to brown and yellow not gold not silver snow
it will melt and fade and shrink and we will whine
and shovel and dressup for it
snow you are in the big time
how you make us play for you

God

Help my son please

Maintaining hope

It is hope against fear
It is fear against anger
It is love against hatred
It is support against nothingness
It is desires but with the knowledge that the want may not be there no matter
What I wish for or hope for or want to believe
Heroin is the most evil drug
It is the devil
It is death knocking upon the door and seeping under it
Invisible

Fumes that wrap themselves around you Hug you and take you under

Di at 22

The most adorable snowman

Made with only 1.5 inches of snow. Just goes to show children can made things happen!

Happy Birthday D

Today my baby is 22, very difficult to believe, how did this happen? Why do I not feel any different than I did 22 years ago or for that fact since I was about 30 or 18 or 16, my heart remains the same, of course I've done some growing and acquire some wisdom, but my likes loves desire and my quests are the same, even if the energy to work on them is not as strong, if I would only devote a small, measley amount to work I would of plenty of energy left over for other things, but It just isn't working.
So happpy 22 DD...my very hard working daughter. tonight cake with chocolate covered strawberries and a song.

otherwise things are well... off to work and then some

Would like a new job

Writing. Any one want to hire me

thursday

will be a long day i am really not looking forward to...riding with a skunk..oh well... got some tubs to organize and let me have some room in my office. so much going on, yesterday a bad day for nerves, let's hope today is better
i like people to be here on earth so i can see them, some part of me can't let go of people....persons that i've trully enjoyed who have died, this year was extreme for remembrance.
i dont want to let go ever

Knuckleball. Curveball fastball

You name it I am getting pitched to and stoking out over and over again. I want to run away can't I just escape

Wednesday

Dreaming of going to NYC to see the memorial... I hear it is still running in winter... so tired... lots of stress... but our sink is fixed, received to phone called from R same number so hopefully he is in the same place so sick can't even explaing it. two minutes is all i have here, then off again, waking the d and on the road busy busy busy, pt at 1 when i am supposed to be doing something else, it is all crazy but i will get there.
hoping for a 4 day weekend, it all depends upon what A decides. It wouldn't hurt us if he leaves except for time off, but he is a whippersnapper, a trouble maker and sometimes we just don't need that especially since we found out we are not going to get a figgen raise for 3 years, wonderbar.
off i go
to the rat race focus...with standing

Monday

will spend little time here...off to the grind, need to find out if they want me to work tomorrow, would rather not work but we shall see --- it is too much with taking care of my mom.
Had a good weekend except for the worry of R and then the pressure canteen we drank from, reading so that is good but would love more energy than I have and I don't know if I am ever going to get it back again.... but i will try.
off to work off to work off to work... work off, off work.
better

Ugh

Not the boots. The son. Afflicted and he comes down again swooping upon us. We hold our arms up trying to protect ourselves but it is too late. The vampire is striking again. And again relentless in his attack pressure plead persistent until we capitulate. Coming undone we retreat even after a question. Weakened we are the victims again

At Foxwoods.

The line is ridiculous. But we will make it. I am sitting for a minute. Very tired. Oh well

Does money
Does love
Does meaning
Take place in your hell
So sad. No hearing just trying to fathom why you wouldnt get into my car yesterday. Broken heart keeps on
Can't tell a soul
If there is a color I'd like to see it
I need help but there is nothing to hold onto

Saturday and I am here hummmm

It is a Saturday morning and it feels great to not have to work, to know I have two days off in a row makes a difference. Why? Because I get to enjoy life for a day and then the next day too. Work is just way too stressfull and there is nothing I can do about it, the stressors are internal and external being pulled and pushed in so many directions I feel as if I could split, it is not as simple as everyone thinks it is, like working in retail, there is more to it than just working a register or stocking groceries. arghhh...
too tired this week and i dont know why just wiped out.
today going to visit the Diana exhibit at Foxwoods soooo excited. And i just can't wait. I remember watching the Wedding on tv, we lived down the port and I was as innocent as she. wow wow wow

Happiest. Moment today

Seein Alastair pick up a nummy with his tiny hand and put it in his mouth!

Messages

I have a voice message from little Ricky every time I listen to it it brings tears to my eyes