Sunday

The cake is coming over today, we are going to see the Last Mimzy. I need a break. I am feeling ok, not the usual post op ... but swollen probably from all the iv fluids they pushed into me. arghh... just wish i could be normal back to the way things were 7years plus ago. .... frustrated with my own body, what could be worse. lots i suppose...

srr

after a horrendous week at work, i am out of there for approx 6 days...which will not be long enough. however... the surgery was a success or so it seems, although I don't remember saying anything to my dr or even seeing him after it was done.... it was done or so it seems as i had the worst pains i can ever remember and i said pain... and more than that i do think i was writhing for a bit and they put morphine in my iv... so that was that...except for the fact that I get nausea from the stuff, so ive been sick to my stomach for the rest of the day, never mind the dizziness because my blood pressure went down to 80 over 40 and they weren't going to let me go back home unless it rose...and it did to 100 over 48 ....and then they let me go home with the stipulation that i stay in bed and only get our to walk here or there so no emboli get me.

great now let us see what is going to happen...

r went to bw so i hope all else goes well... i am scared he is going to give up i am trying to have faith.

scheduled

woke up at 5:30 tried to sleep but fumbled about doing nothing, went back to sleep, now it is 9:20 my body is stiff from too much bed time... yesterday went well considering the morning mess...flooding etc. Monday will be a disaster that is all I can say.
I do not have the bub today. oh well. the meatball was thrown out of the place i drove him to on thursday, i picked him and his companion up, that meatball is his twin, came from the same bowl of grounded up ingredients that i dont know who concocted... there was nothing i could do. they said they are turning themselves into bw on monday. let us see as i dont believe them very stressfilled week and i am glad it is over.

dread

outside, it is light, but heavy,

snow, i hear your sister, rain hiding inside you
you are wonderful
what camouflage!
you look like fluff, but i know you are cement
please dont become slippery shoes

a miz, a mess, i dread the chore of cleaning you off--
snow
will be the wetness of my clothes
snow will guide the ride that will be like driving on
a skating rink.
everyone is talking about Easter, I just want to get through today and
next week
and be here convalescing.

disconnected

it is my first day off not being a Sunday that I have the baby, and my peace was interrupted by the meatball. yes that is what i am going to call him, because it is just like that song, on top of spaghetti...covered with cheese, i lost my poor meatball because somebody sneezed...

the kid just doesnt get it. and i'm just done.

and over that too.

bliss

simplicity, yes i like it, as i like this morning, this daylight savings time' morning, all is at rest here. and i've found bliss
i am lacking something in my day to day, solitude,
the quest for being together and being alone does not balance...

it is nearly 8:15, everyone is still in bed, i have made coffee, and accessed the situation -- mail and laundry are out of control....

I will establish a mail basket, all mail must be placed into it.

I will establish another laundry rule, the same one I established 30 years ago, no laundry downstairs, but it doesnt hold true. What I need is a laundry room up stairs and that is not happening either. So ... rules to make and be broken no doubt by all the inhabitants of the household....and visitors too, but why would they even know the rules.

it feels good to sit and ramble without a watcher, someone who asks what are you doing

what are you writing,

yes i lack privacy because my office still has the Christmas stuff out of the closet and on the floor, and other various things people decided to "store" in my office, because if i am not home they can just store what ever they like there, because there is so much stuff who knows who put what in there...

i hear a thumping... not a loud thump, but one nonetheless...a door closing, must be the bathroom...soon my solitude will be interrupted... and then i will have to explain all these thoughts...or maybe i wont, for my morning is now planned out, and no one even knows that... yet...perhaps they have plans of their own... the bub is coming today..he is such a love! time, it is a burden if you watch it. let it go

pinwheels

the pinwheels made of dough were left out on the window sill
the ice dripped from the gutter and they melted like
icicles in the heat from the sun

the pinwheel left out on the lawn through summer, fall, and winter
froze, then tipped, then disappeared,
into the trash it blew

the pinwheel inside the kaleidoscope was untouchable
but always changing, unlike the cookies, unlike the form,
into the tube it is, and stays

protected

unless someone was to break it, smash it
and then it would no longer be

i am a pinwheel.

the broken one, the smashed one, the melted one, the protected one,
the one thrown into the trash category
because, just because

sadness abounds me, tears don't stop falling
i am the wheel round and round pinned down
stuck and struck
happiness overrode by grief

sometimes i want to believe everything is the way it should be
but then sometimes reality checks me, that hip check or
knock upon my wooden door that says, you are so blind
and now that i have opened my eyes, i just know i believe things are the way they are because
they are, but i cant change them, well some of them
and it hurts.

then i realize that is why things are the way they are because I've put myself into that tube to be that pinwheel, that beautiful ever changing form of jewels or glass or paper that floats here and thither and yonder... so the pain that i am hiding from can't touch me, but it is not truth, because it is touching me and that is why i am there hiding from the reality

where is this taking me,
i don't really know.
i just know i cant fix things and make them right... i am not in control of the tube
it just ran out the door like the meatball

not able to complete much

a lost week, snow, slush, ice, kids skating on ball fields, and my self just skating through life unable to keep up with things, i am really exhausted all the time. managed to make two nice dinners for the family, and have two mornings off, but tomorrow back to the grind. i have to think of a purpose here, perhaps plain poetry might be the best, it is nearly 10 pm, and my eyes are droppy. 4 will come soon and i will be off again. energy has to come from someplace, because i just dont have any. arghhh

Valentines day.. and other stuff..

As I get older Valentines Day means a lot to me, it means a lot to me that I communicate with those people I love and care about just to say he or she is wonderful, this year I was a complete failure within my own standard. Time just got away from me, I worked way too late and didnt get home til it was too late to call anyone, and I just felt too tired to too. My job is taking it's toll on me, not having a day off in the middle of the week leaves only after work and Sunday to complete the chores that need to be done, and Im just exhausted from my own body failing me as of late. with this in my head it doesnt surprise me that i had a melt down today and just left work without all my work completed...something i never do, and on top of all that passed out after hitting my bed just 1 hour after being home. i need to call the dr in the morning with questions and see where this is all going... so that kind of sucks too... and then there is my boss who is being a complete jerk... just let me run my unit i want to say, but he likes drama... yes he does, right now i just want rest. a nice trip to the sun would help tremendously. Sat three people are off... who is closing...no answer...I dont think It is going to be me. It is ridiculous.... I am going to tell my boss that i need to extend my sick leave as things are not going as planned. waiting for a break that isnt happening... that is what it seems to be happening. arghhh..

just thoughts

Sunday, a day of rest, not, a busy day, cant say im happy cant say im not
cant say much of anything it seems as of late
words are just complaints
and how i dont want to be woe be gone
i just keep going on.


the Bub came today, he is such a sweet sweet lad
his father on the other hand... dont even know what to say
how he could make the choices he makes i dont know.

It makes me sad....

My brother called, says everyone wants the party on Saturday... geesh ...

too much

nearly a month has passed and i havent written, perhaps because i keep hoping for changes to occur, but not much has changed since the new year. my dysfunctional uterus is maintaining it's temper tantrum for what ever reason my body seems to be ignoring the medication the dr has given me and continues to be upset ... i am working 6 days a week and that is exhausting because i could really use some time to relax, now today i have sometime to relax and i am sort of, but of course i feel guilty because there is a zillion things i should be doing.
i am currently waiting for the hot water to replenish so that i can take a hot shower, instead of a luke warm one since both my teens decided to jump into the shower without asking me what my plans for the day were, are> plans for the day, I am not going to watch the superbowl, i am refusing to watch it, as a matter of fact i am beginning to think that football is fixed, and i am not at all happy with that thought at all.

yesterday was a wonderful day, Johnny made his First Penance and I got out of work early, so I could be there. It was over 2 hours long... much longer than my First Penance a trip to church in the middle of my catholic school day, and as regular as going home for lunch. The church is forever changing, as I heard my nephew made his Confirmation yesterday too. So there was a blessing there too. So congrat to them both.

On the other side of my life, i did get my promotion, and i did get a small raise, and now i am wondering if i am going to get my promotion raise, I have to wait and see this week as i've no form 50 to prove any of this.

Tomorrow is back to work as usual, and me, well, i just have to stop feeling sorry for my self, angry at the way things are, pissed off at the death of innocents, outraged at the acts of violence that seems to be overwhelming my city, and be greatful that i have a job, a wonderful husband even if he isnt perfect, and a good family, even though they are all driving me mad. Perhaps I am just snippy as I have no control over anything it seems lately arghhh... including the bubble that has decided to pop out of the wall of my tire. blah.

New Year past present....on the verge of tomorrow

When my oldest were young, every New Year's Day, I would take the other cousins, and them out for the day; we went to Faneuil Hall, the Ice Sculptures, and a few other places, that was long ago. As my younger children got older I took my youngest to NYC on the Christmas Train---NYC became a tradition for 6 years, New Year's day became a quiet restful day after a two day jaunt .... But this year I couldn't find a decent hotel rate and was smart enough to say to the youngest, we will go for your birthday--- which is next month. I've found a great hotel rate, and also great theatre tickets and seats, plus taken a gift that was a non spoken gift and made it a gift so there ya go! saving. whoopptyde... I am looking forward to it all, i missed my excursion...

Beyond all this, I do not know what this year will bring, having achieved my promotion, I am at rest in the spire..... back to school, back to the lab, doing something creative would be great for my soul, but I have to work at myself and I think that will be my goal. With my nephew getting married in a year and 1/2 that is a good reason, besides turning a half century old, how can that possibly be... my breasts are saying --- there we go arghhh...


Having started on the treadmill, it feels good, now just to keep it up... I will, as I feel better already building up a sweat does something for me, now to not let life or laziness get in the way of health.

F wants a new tv for the bedroom. A wall tv because I always complain. I can't see the tv it is true, but it would be nice to cuddle up and watch something on a flat screen, so we might just spoil ourselves and do so. Ive measured by favorite painting and it is three feet by 43" on the diagonal... so that will be helpful when choosing size. transporting etc. that is another question. This just seems so frivolous will i forgive myself..?? i know i will be finding my children in my room... oh well...

2007 seven rhymes with heaven, heavenly, I hope so. Good by 2006, with nothing amiss....

I have a plan for my godson's bd... rock bottom for dinner, and a trip to the build a bear in dtb. it is just so much cooler than the plaza. Now I just have a few more bds to figure out and then I will be all set for a few months of r and r for myself...

vacation within

it is cold out side, i am lost in mystery, having 8 days off from the grind, what will i do with myself besides have a neat and tidy house for as many days, what a laugh, housekeeping is a job, curled up on the sofa blankets and tea, watching movies til my eyes cry, shopping for nothing online, shopping for some new house toy, dreaming of painting, redecorating, but not, exercise walk on the treadmill, stretch, drive children to their destinations and retreive them - husband asleep, will we drive each other mad, or maintain space easily, expectations change everything. what is mine? wow i am surprise to find so much time has gone by all ready.

upgrading

i have up graded the blog, as probably most do, but i am a lazy reader here, not into finding out more about how it all works. for now things are as they are. I don't know what i am doing. tomorrow i will take off for the day and hope to have fun by myself. i dont know why but i am depressed. i am tired of stress.

wellness

i found this note i wrote to myself in January 22 of 2002, obviously it was a note to help me to continue with my studies and not deter from my goals, but it still rings true to this day for me--

wellness
wellnes is a state of being
physically and mentally equipped with the ability to cope with incapacity.
when you do not have the ability, stamina, to cope, you run to fantasy.
Fantasy makes what is unbearable bearable, but when your fantasy is something you can not make reality and you have strived beyond the fantasy and the reality, there goes the equipment to cope, to hold,
thereby this state of being creates an incapacity that can not be taken or understood as anything but grief.
Bereavment must take place for without it, the inability to cope will go on, insanity will remain.
Acceptance is a must, fill the void with what you are capable of doing and go from there.
Crushed dream, worked for, for so long, don't tell me it is okay, it is not, let me grieve for my desire, and let me say good bye, and then build something from the ashes of myself.

Where was I then? I was recovering from my surgery, stuggling everyday with the desire to go on to be well, to be myself, something i am now, but i am not, physically i lost strength, and power, mentally defeated, i carried on.... and now i am grateful i did not fall, but yes, i still look back and realize my physical incapacity is what killed my dream, the inability to work work and home, not enough strength in me. how wretched and cruel life can be, some day i will go back there, some day i will be doing it because i know i will

6:40 am

Ive been awake since 4, my usual body clock now, very very weird, but i can stay up late if i need to, it is the nap that is killing me, if i take one i end up sleeping ...all night. let me say i am tired and that is that.but this week was pretty good in some aspects and in others well i will learn to deal with them.

first of all i must truly believe that if a person wrongs another it will come back to that person and so be it. second, i must not let people get to my mind or my decision making. i have the ability, now i must keep it in my mind set.

third, just because i received my promotion, i will not change, i will be as i have been, diligent in learning.

fourth, today i will do what i can do and not be apologetic for what i cannot get done

five, i will forget about my job and enjoy my life

i will forgive and i will try to forget the angst i have been through, but i will keep the eyes in the back of my head open.

Christmas

I think I had my Christmas today. Johnny came for the third day in a row. My daughter was her usually :mememe: self. arghh... .... My grandson however made today good...

I promised him yesterday that he could make a volcano. And today we did, and he learned to do it all by himself. Did he make a mess, well sort of, did he try to help clean it up, yes. Did he show his mother what he could do all by himself? yes, did she care, yes, but she was tired, and hungry, and it just sucks that i have to deal with her attitude. i just really dont need it. It is like i cant get tired, i cant not feel well. i am supposed to be invincible or something.

laughin

I am lauging to myself this morning because if I really thought about all I have to do, I would be in bed from a severe stress attack. But things are coming together slowly. B asked me if I was working tomorrow, and no, I am not... tomorrow I am finishing all I have to do as far as gift and my menu and basic clearing and setting up... I didnt get some stuff done that I wanted but I can live with that.

My b day this year was one of the best and one of the worst at the same time. The reality of the son who is on the edge coming by and planting himself, haunting and taunting... could have ruined the day
the reality that the principal at BLA said to the youngest, you are hangin in where you are. You should stay there. was totally torture for the youngest, but true too. Her perception was right now if only the younger will believe in herself that would work.
the reality that the job was just not going to work out, well that rang true too... so vacation time will be used to have him sign up for school as he says he is ready now.
the reality that my grandson jc makes my day... is so true. all he wants is someone who gives him time....
today he is coming over after school again. we will take him to pick out a tree with his mother. and he will help us decorate ours. i am looking forward to this
i miss my baby grandson, i hope i get to see him soon. i cant talk to the otherones mother. she just doesnt get it. what an ass she is.
on a positive note, i did spend about 16 hours working on a poem ...that i sorta finished but let it be finished because it was comsuming all my energy and i really needed to get on with things. the best thing about it for me, is that i proved to myself that i can still do it, although it takes time, and quiet, something i have a lack of. alas... the feeling was still there...

there is nothing like writing for me,
the quiet, the tapping of the keys, the scratch of the pen on paper
the atmosphere here, but there, in that other side, that other divide where i go
i like it there, but if i stayed there i would get nothing done, i wonder sometimes if i will end up there.... that is why ive not written much, the void, it takes you in, and you dont want to come out... and i get so many disruptions... i feel good. and that is what counts.

tears that slip

my young son took a job, not a great job, just a job where he can earn money-- so he can have some money and his father and i wont have to keep giving him money... this taking of this simple job has made me happy, he is doing something... no not what i would like him to do, but something other than skateboarding...now he is a great skateboarder, and he would love to be sponsored, but that isnt an easy feat, like being a writer...you have to be discovered...hahaha...so he is a dreamer and and artist....that i can live with... he says he will go to college when he feels like doing the work, and well, i can agree with him there too. he has probably another 80 years to live so why rush responsiblity beyond the need....

my youngest daughter is doing ok too. she is finally adjusting to school even though she wants to transfer, and perhaps she will but she is adjusting and that is a start too.

what a rough september... just horrid....after we returned from our vacation...

so today ive had alot of tears that seem to ooze from my eyes, but not so much sadness, a touch of relief, a touch of worry, and a touch of life. that is what the tears are from...life keeps grabbing me and pinching me. and that is just how it is.

giving thanks

i give thanks for my children this Thanksgiving who helped me get everything ready and even helped to clean up.
i give thanks to God and the universe for looking over my son who is out of his mind, but not so out of his mind that he had my baby grandson come by.
i give thanks for being able to work, having a decent job, and also having money to pay my bills, and keep going on.
i give thanks that i can walk because 6 years ago i could not.
i give thanks for being me, and being strong, and having the strength to go on when all seems like what for.
i give thanks for my Johnny cake who gives me reason to smile, and laugh every day.