When my oldest were young, every New Year's Day, I would take the other cousins, and them out for the day; we went to Faneuil Hall, the Ice Sculptures, and a few other places, that was long ago. As my younger children got older I took my youngest to NYC on the Christmas Train---NYC became a tradition for 6 years, New Year's day became a quiet restful day after a two day jaunt .... But this year I couldn't find a decent hotel rate and was smart enough to say to the youngest, we will go for your birthday--- which is next month. I've found a great hotel rate, and also great theatre tickets and seats, plus taken a gift that was a non spoken gift and made it a gift so there ya go! saving. whoopptyde... I am looking forward to it all, i missed my excursion...
Beyond all this, I do not know what this year will bring, having achieved my promotion, I am at rest in the spire..... back to school, back to the lab, doing something creative would be great for my soul, but I have to work at myself and I think that will be my goal. With my nephew getting married in a year and 1/2 that is a good reason, besides turning a half century old, how can that possibly be... my breasts are saying --- there we go arghhh...
Having started on the treadmill, it feels good, now just to keep it up... I will, as I feel better already building up a sweat does something for me, now to not let life or laziness get in the way of health.
F wants a new tv for the bedroom. A wall tv because I always complain. I can't see the tv it is true, but it would be nice to cuddle up and watch something on a flat screen, so we might just spoil ourselves and do so. Ive measured by favorite painting and it is three feet by 43" on the diagonal... so that will be helpful when choosing size. transporting etc. that is another question. This just seems so frivolous will i forgive myself..?? i know i will be finding my children in my room... oh well...
2007 seven rhymes with heaven, heavenly, I hope so. Good by 2006, with nothing amiss....
I have a plan for my godson's bd... rock bottom for dinner, and a trip to the build a bear in dtb. it is just so much cooler than the plaza. Now I just have a few more bds to figure out and then I will be all set for a few months of r and r for myself...
Sunday, December 31, 2006
Saturday, December 30, 2006
vacation within
it is cold out side, i am lost in mystery, having 8 days off from the grind, what will i do with myself besides have a neat and tidy house for as many days, what a laugh, housekeeping is a job, curled up on the sofa blankets and tea, watching movies til my eyes cry, shopping for nothing online, shopping for some new house toy, dreaming of painting, redecorating, but not, exercise walk on the treadmill, stretch, drive children to their destinations and retreive them - husband asleep, will we drive each other mad, or maintain space easily, expectations change everything. what is mine? wow i am surprise to find so much time has gone by all ready.
Thursday, December 28, 2006
upgrading
i have up graded the blog, as probably most do, but i am a lazy reader here, not into finding out more about how it all works. for now things are as they are. I don't know what i am doing. tomorrow i will take off for the day and hope to have fun by myself. i dont know why but i am depressed. i am tired of stress.
wellness
i found this note i wrote to myself in January 22 of 2002, obviously it was a note to help me to continue with my studies and not deter from my goals, but it still rings true to this day for me--
wellness
wellnes is a state of being
physically and mentally equipped with the ability to cope with incapacity.
when you do not have the ability, stamina, to cope, you run to fantasy.
Fantasy makes what is unbearable bearable, but when your fantasy is something you can not make reality and you have strived beyond the fantasy and the reality, there goes the equipment to cope, to hold,
thereby this state of being creates an incapacity that can not be taken or understood as anything but grief.
Bereavment must take place for without it, the inability to cope will go on, insanity will remain.
Acceptance is a must, fill the void with what you are capable of doing and go from there.
Crushed dream, worked for, for so long, don't tell me it is okay, it is not, let me grieve for my desire, and let me say good bye, and then build something from the ashes of myself.
Where was I then? I was recovering from my surgery, stuggling everyday with the desire to go on to be well, to be myself, something i am now, but i am not, physically i lost strength, and power, mentally defeated, i carried on.... and now i am grateful i did not fall, but yes, i still look back and realize my physical incapacity is what killed my dream, the inability to work work and home, not enough strength in me. how wretched and cruel life can be, some day i will go back there, some day i will be doing it because i know i will
wellness
wellnes is a state of being
physically and mentally equipped with the ability to cope with incapacity.
when you do not have the ability, stamina, to cope, you run to fantasy.
Fantasy makes what is unbearable bearable, but when your fantasy is something you can not make reality and you have strived beyond the fantasy and the reality, there goes the equipment to cope, to hold,
thereby this state of being creates an incapacity that can not be taken or understood as anything but grief.
Bereavment must take place for without it, the inability to cope will go on, insanity will remain.
Acceptance is a must, fill the void with what you are capable of doing and go from there.
Crushed dream, worked for, for so long, don't tell me it is okay, it is not, let me grieve for my desire, and let me say good bye, and then build something from the ashes of myself.
Where was I then? I was recovering from my surgery, stuggling everyday with the desire to go on to be well, to be myself, something i am now, but i am not, physically i lost strength, and power, mentally defeated, i carried on.... and now i am grateful i did not fall, but yes, i still look back and realize my physical incapacity is what killed my dream, the inability to work work and home, not enough strength in me. how wretched and cruel life can be, some day i will go back there, some day i will be doing it because i know i will
Sunday, December 24, 2006
6:40 am
Ive been awake since 4, my usual body clock now, very very weird, but i can stay up late if i need to, it is the nap that is killing me, if i take one i end up sleeping ...all night. let me say i am tired and that is that.but this week was pretty good in some aspects and in others well i will learn to deal with them.
first of all i must truly believe that if a person wrongs another it will come back to that person and so be it. second, i must not let people get to my mind or my decision making. i have the ability, now i must keep it in my mind set.
third, just because i received my promotion, i will not change, i will be as i have been, diligent in learning.
fourth, today i will do what i can do and not be apologetic for what i cannot get done
five, i will forget about my job and enjoy my life
i will forgive and i will try to forget the angst i have been through, but i will keep the eyes in the back of my head open.
first of all i must truly believe that if a person wrongs another it will come back to that person and so be it. second, i must not let people get to my mind or my decision making. i have the ability, now i must keep it in my mind set.
third, just because i received my promotion, i will not change, i will be as i have been, diligent in learning.
fourth, today i will do what i can do and not be apologetic for what i cannot get done
five, i will forget about my job and enjoy my life
i will forgive and i will try to forget the angst i have been through, but i will keep the eyes in the back of my head open.
Thursday, December 21, 2006
Christmas
I think I had my Christmas today. Johnny came for the third day in a row. My daughter was her usually :mememe: self. arghh... .... My grandson however made today good...
I promised him yesterday that he could make a volcano. And today we did, and he learned to do it all by himself. Did he make a mess, well sort of, did he try to help clean it up, yes. Did he show his mother what he could do all by himself? yes, did she care, yes, but she was tired, and hungry, and it just sucks that i have to deal with her attitude. i just really dont need it. It is like i cant get tired, i cant not feel well. i am supposed to be invincible or something.
I promised him yesterday that he could make a volcano. And today we did, and he learned to do it all by himself. Did he make a mess, well sort of, did he try to help clean it up, yes. Did he show his mother what he could do all by himself? yes, did she care, yes, but she was tired, and hungry, and it just sucks that i have to deal with her attitude. i just really dont need it. It is like i cant get tired, i cant not feel well. i am supposed to be invincible or something.
Tuesday, December 19, 2006
laughin
I am lauging to myself this morning because if I really thought about all I have to do, I would be in bed from a severe stress attack. But things are coming together slowly. B asked me if I was working tomorrow, and no, I am not... tomorrow I am finishing all I have to do as far as gift and my menu and basic clearing and setting up... I didnt get some stuff done that I wanted but I can live with that.
My b day this year was one of the best and one of the worst at the same time. The reality of the son who is on the edge coming by and planting himself, haunting and taunting... could have ruined the day
the reality that the principal at BLA said to the youngest, you are hangin in where you are. You should stay there. was totally torture for the youngest, but true too. Her perception was right now if only the younger will believe in herself that would work.
the reality that the job was just not going to work out, well that rang true too... so vacation time will be used to have him sign up for school as he says he is ready now.
the reality that my grandson jc makes my day... is so true. all he wants is someone who gives him time....
today he is coming over after school again. we will take him to pick out a tree with his mother. and he will help us decorate ours. i am looking forward to this
i miss my baby grandson, i hope i get to see him soon. i cant talk to the otherones mother. she just doesnt get it. what an ass she is.
on a positive note, i did spend about 16 hours working on a poem ...that i sorta finished but let it be finished because it was comsuming all my energy and i really needed to get on with things. the best thing about it for me, is that i proved to myself that i can still do it, although it takes time, and quiet, something i have a lack of. alas... the feeling was still there...
there is nothing like writing for me,
the quiet, the tapping of the keys, the scratch of the pen on paper
the atmosphere here, but there, in that other side, that other divide where i go
i like it there, but if i stayed there i would get nothing done, i wonder sometimes if i will end up there.... that is why ive not written much, the void, it takes you in, and you dont want to come out... and i get so many disruptions... i feel good. and that is what counts.
My b day this year was one of the best and one of the worst at the same time. The reality of the son who is on the edge coming by and planting himself, haunting and taunting... could have ruined the day
the reality that the principal at BLA said to the youngest, you are hangin in where you are. You should stay there. was totally torture for the youngest, but true too. Her perception was right now if only the younger will believe in herself that would work.
the reality that the job was just not going to work out, well that rang true too... so vacation time will be used to have him sign up for school as he says he is ready now.
the reality that my grandson jc makes my day... is so true. all he wants is someone who gives him time....
today he is coming over after school again. we will take him to pick out a tree with his mother. and he will help us decorate ours. i am looking forward to this
i miss my baby grandson, i hope i get to see him soon. i cant talk to the otherones mother. she just doesnt get it. what an ass she is.
on a positive note, i did spend about 16 hours working on a poem ...that i sorta finished but let it be finished because it was comsuming all my energy and i really needed to get on with things. the best thing about it for me, is that i proved to myself that i can still do it, although it takes time, and quiet, something i have a lack of. alas... the feeling was still there...
there is nothing like writing for me,
the quiet, the tapping of the keys, the scratch of the pen on paper
the atmosphere here, but there, in that other side, that other divide where i go
i like it there, but if i stayed there i would get nothing done, i wonder sometimes if i will end up there.... that is why ive not written much, the void, it takes you in, and you dont want to come out... and i get so many disruptions... i feel good. and that is what counts.
Monday, December 04, 2006
tears that slip
my young son took a job, not a great job, just a job where he can earn money-- so he can have some money and his father and i wont have to keep giving him money... this taking of this simple job has made me happy, he is doing something... no not what i would like him to do, but something other than skateboarding...now he is a great skateboarder, and he would love to be sponsored, but that isnt an easy feat, like being a writer...you have to be discovered...hahaha...so he is a dreamer and and artist....that i can live with... he says he will go to college when he feels like doing the work, and well, i can agree with him there too. he has probably another 80 years to live so why rush responsiblity beyond the need....
my youngest daughter is doing ok too. she is finally adjusting to school even though she wants to transfer, and perhaps she will but she is adjusting and that is a start too.
what a rough september... just horrid....after we returned from our vacation...
so today ive had alot of tears that seem to ooze from my eyes, but not so much sadness, a touch of relief, a touch of worry, and a touch of life. that is what the tears are from...life keeps grabbing me and pinching me. and that is just how it is.
my youngest daughter is doing ok too. she is finally adjusting to school even though she wants to transfer, and perhaps she will but she is adjusting and that is a start too.
what a rough september... just horrid....after we returned from our vacation...
so today ive had alot of tears that seem to ooze from my eyes, but not so much sadness, a touch of relief, a touch of worry, and a touch of life. that is what the tears are from...life keeps grabbing me and pinching me. and that is just how it is.
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