vacation really?

yesterday after an extremely strange day at the office, my vacation began. i dropped off the rental and took the train home. The transfer from blue to orange to red seemed exceedingly long and it was, as I missed one train, then they had two braintree trains, and the heat in the tunnels made everything smell and i thought, how i really wouldnt want to live in heat all the time.

F and i went to get "my car" and of course, I wasnt happy. The door was not fixed as it was supposed to be, the air conditioning isnt working right, and really, the car is a fine car for my son, but not for me, and that is how I feel. I am tired of having things that are second class. I am just going to surprise F and save the money and buy my own car. I think it is about time, so that is my plan for that.

I fell asleep early because r and h had another horrid fight, and i just cant take it. I am not used to it, it is makes me sick to my stomach. F and I woke up in the middle of the night and it was nice to have the quiet and the time to just chat. He had to go to work, so he teased me as he was leaving how he will be exhausted all day, but at least We had some time together.

Today I am heading to my mom's. I dont know when I will get there, and I might be traveling back tomorrow, I really dont know as of yet. But i will try to get some sun as the dr recommended especially on my legs and hopefully I wont be so bad on vacation, but then again, I dont think I will care. I need to do what I need to do to get better.

My house is a tumble of stuff. Every child'f mine has stuff. in the hallway, in my upstairs hallway, in my office, in the basement, in the back yard. it is ridiculous. they are going to have to do something about all their stuff that is all i can say, because i am tired of looking at it!

last night f was teasing me, he was licking the back of my neck, i said to him, stop you are annoying me, he said, but i am kissing you, and i said, no you are licking me, and it feels yucky... kissing has more pressure and sucking... and he laughed, and so did i.

of the utmost importance is the fact that i cannot find my bill pay notebook... it is freaking me out. I must take my laptop to best buy and have the shift key fixed ... i like my office but it is much more user friendly to be on my computer downstairs...especially when bill paying, as it is such a horrid task.... back into the groove.

rain

Seems as though time is floating on by, as I am working too many hours, as I feel like it is summer, but not the summers I once dreamed of, yet still, I go on and move within the circles watching and looking and learning. My job, yes, I really do like my job, weird as it is, even when I dislike it, I like it. The paperwork and computer work is a bit much, but managing the floor, and the people and getting things done, that is that challenge everyday, everyday moods, and what nots.

Today it is raining, It is my brother's 50th birthday party, and it should be alot of fun. I havent heard from St all week really as she has been working nights. I miss my grandsons as I haven't seen either of them all week, but it is really ok.
I dont miss the fam that has gone away, I love having my house to just us. It has been a relatively quiet week... no fighting, yelling, and best of all, no agitation...
this i have enjoyed the most.
one week til vacation yippee....then i might get something done.

time to collect all that stuff that hasnt been used or touch for over a year and just chuck. perhaps paint my kitchen, find a plumber, and carpenter to replace my bathroom floor, and work on the yard. so is the plan.

chat

I've learned... so much... yesterday I talked to T my old boss, the person who really wanted me to go into the program. It was the first time we've talked since all the craziness a couple of months ago. She has always been there for me, and stood by me. And yesterday, we were as peers in our discussions, and knowing things as I do, learning as I have, we both said at the same time, better to keep your mouth shut, or else you just get labeled--- whiner. So we laughed at that, but of course, She and I both know, it is a world of the third leg, and we have survived most of its grim truth, although, we don't accept it, we know it is there and maneuver as best we can within the confines... Her husband has to have surgery again, Tuesday, i cant imagine, an aneurysm. God bless them all.

just busines or busyness

stuff just going on...living... i am exhausted and much annoyed as i discovered after i left work yesterday that the hours i have work, i havent gotten paid. over 31 hours to be more precise and that just makes me mad at my boss... i am trying not to be. I learn a valuable lesson. I am going to watch to make sure I get paid every nickle from now on!!!

On another note, the car, my car is still not ready, but it is suppose to be ready this week... that will be a wondershot. Ive not freedom, only work. but it will get better...
i have week's vaca at the end of the month and then two weeks off in september.

today i have to get myself in gear and apply for that job at the imc and hope i get it. some sense of security would be good.

onto doing my job app and housework in very much need.

emotions

yesterday i received a hit of emotional awareness...
the brick came at me so swiftly and has left me profoundly astonished
amazed
a vision come true
the big boss actually said,"if you have problems with a trainer you should let us know." Email M C.
The truth is I am afraid.
I ended up talking with my husband at length about this quandary.
Should I or shouldn't I. But no one should have happen to him or her what happened to me. And --- there are consequences of opening one's mouth... not the same consequences of opening one's mind.
the emotional impact of the entire less than 5 minute chat is still with me this morning. tears...what from -- relief...happiness--- no certainly not.
perhaps just knowing and believing there is something in the universe...some power that knows what is going on...and is willing to let me know it is there, listening and believing in me. Thank you.