pinwheels

the pinwheels made of dough were left out on the window sill
the ice dripped from the gutter and they melted like
icicles in the heat from the sun

the pinwheel left out on the lawn through summer, fall, and winter
froze, then tipped, then disappeared,
into the trash it blew

the pinwheel inside the kaleidoscope was untouchable
but always changing, unlike the cookies, unlike the form,
into the tube it is, and stays

protected

unless someone was to break it, smash it
and then it would no longer be

i am a pinwheel.

the broken one, the smashed one, the melted one, the protected one,
the one thrown into the trash category
because, just because

sadness abounds me, tears don't stop falling
i am the wheel round and round pinned down
stuck and struck
happiness overrode by grief

sometimes i want to believe everything is the way it should be
but then sometimes reality checks me, that hip check or
knock upon my wooden door that says, you are so blind
and now that i have opened my eyes, i just know i believe things are the way they are because
they are, but i cant change them, well some of them
and it hurts.

then i realize that is why things are the way they are because I've put myself into that tube to be that pinwheel, that beautiful ever changing form of jewels or glass or paper that floats here and thither and yonder... so the pain that i am hiding from can't touch me, but it is not truth, because it is touching me and that is why i am there hiding from the reality

where is this taking me,
i don't really know.
i just know i cant fix things and make them right... i am not in control of the tube
it just ran out the door like the meatball

not able to complete much

a lost week, snow, slush, ice, kids skating on ball fields, and my self just skating through life unable to keep up with things, i am really exhausted all the time. managed to make two nice dinners for the family, and have two mornings off, but tomorrow back to the grind. i have to think of a purpose here, perhaps plain poetry might be the best, it is nearly 10 pm, and my eyes are droppy. 4 will come soon and i will be off again. energy has to come from someplace, because i just dont have any. arghhh

Valentines day.. and other stuff..

As I get older Valentines Day means a lot to me, it means a lot to me that I communicate with those people I love and care about just to say he or she is wonderful, this year I was a complete failure within my own standard. Time just got away from me, I worked way too late and didnt get home til it was too late to call anyone, and I just felt too tired to too. My job is taking it's toll on me, not having a day off in the middle of the week leaves only after work and Sunday to complete the chores that need to be done, and Im just exhausted from my own body failing me as of late. with this in my head it doesnt surprise me that i had a melt down today and just left work without all my work completed...something i never do, and on top of all that passed out after hitting my bed just 1 hour after being home. i need to call the dr in the morning with questions and see where this is all going... so that kind of sucks too... and then there is my boss who is being a complete jerk... just let me run my unit i want to say, but he likes drama... yes he does, right now i just want rest. a nice trip to the sun would help tremendously. Sat three people are off... who is closing...no answer...I dont think It is going to be me. It is ridiculous.... I am going to tell my boss that i need to extend my sick leave as things are not going as planned. waiting for a break that isnt happening... that is what it seems to be happening. arghhh..

just thoughts

Sunday, a day of rest, not, a busy day, cant say im happy cant say im not
cant say much of anything it seems as of late
words are just complaints
and how i dont want to be woe be gone
i just keep going on.


the Bub came today, he is such a sweet sweet lad
his father on the other hand... dont even know what to say
how he could make the choices he makes i dont know.

It makes me sad....

My brother called, says everyone wants the party on Saturday... geesh ...

too much

nearly a month has passed and i havent written, perhaps because i keep hoping for changes to occur, but not much has changed since the new year. my dysfunctional uterus is maintaining it's temper tantrum for what ever reason my body seems to be ignoring the medication the dr has given me and continues to be upset ... i am working 6 days a week and that is exhausting because i could really use some time to relax, now today i have sometime to relax and i am sort of, but of course i feel guilty because there is a zillion things i should be doing.
i am currently waiting for the hot water to replenish so that i can take a hot shower, instead of a luke warm one since both my teens decided to jump into the shower without asking me what my plans for the day were, are> plans for the day, I am not going to watch the superbowl, i am refusing to watch it, as a matter of fact i am beginning to think that football is fixed, and i am not at all happy with that thought at all.

yesterday was a wonderful day, Johnny made his First Penance and I got out of work early, so I could be there. It was over 2 hours long... much longer than my First Penance a trip to church in the middle of my catholic school day, and as regular as going home for lunch. The church is forever changing, as I heard my nephew made his Confirmation yesterday too. So there was a blessing there too. So congrat to them both.

On the other side of my life, i did get my promotion, and i did get a small raise, and now i am wondering if i am going to get my promotion raise, I have to wait and see this week as i've no form 50 to prove any of this.

Tomorrow is back to work as usual, and me, well, i just have to stop feeling sorry for my self, angry at the way things are, pissed off at the death of innocents, outraged at the acts of violence that seems to be overwhelming my city, and be greatful that i have a job, a wonderful husband even if he isnt perfect, and a good family, even though they are all driving me mad. Perhaps I am just snippy as I have no control over anything it seems lately arghhh... including the bubble that has decided to pop out of the wall of my tire. blah.