prevacation...

hummm... today i work and then i am off for a good 10 days...I will have to work my a-- off today but it will be worth it.
Tomorrow Steph, Mikey, the Cake and I will go to NYC for an overnight, see a show, and what else I am not sure of but something will arise... something not planned but just popped up --- then it will be work at home, our new fridge is coming monday, tuesday is Fred's birthday and well the rest of the week I will probably be cleaning and painting the kitchen.....but it will be nice to not have to work and just be home

My mom is not doing well... I am a nervous wreck... my sense of urgency is so elevated that I have to control it...arghhh... I got a key chain from one of the other supv at work..."I dont have an attitude problem, Its supposed to be like this." lol... Yup, bossy. or at least there is a correct way of doing it, then do it the correct way----

things are somewhat better... it has really been a difficult year.

when young, i never realized that as you get older, well at least for me, i am still growing...

4th of July?

Wow, another month of this year, it is frightening... i've so much to do. I canvased the fam to see who was interested in taking a cruise...d and m say no, but ha, i have no intentions of leaving them home. I have to have everyone get their passports soon... because you cant travel without them...how foolish of me to wait. Such is life.... i thought it wasnt until jan...

i am in ch again... it is okay, i am managing well... it is not too hard to manage...the mail volume is completely off...so that is another thing....i am relieved to be out of Win. There are certain people i just cannot stand over there..thank G i am gone.

plans are up and down.... weather predicting major rain tonight..fireworks..>>>.i dont know >>>> shopping... oh well have to see later.

trust

it is very hard to trust someone you know has lied over and over again.
it is very hard to say, this is okay, when you dont know if it is ok
when you have just been put some place and that is that...
i guess i will find out more as i go...nervous, you aint shhhhhh

Mom

My Mother's 80th had come and gone, in a hoopla, and hooray it was a wonderful day, the crowd appeared and dispersed -- it is so funny we are so closely related... I have two grandsons, my brother had two grandsons... my mother 4 great grandsons and 14 grandchildren and one angel in heaven, so that is 18 people on this planet... wow, how amazing life is.

work is coming along... my boss asked me if i wanted to stay in So so ville for a month...I blatantly said, you want to be rid of me, you think i suck...i really need to know if that is the case..he said no...and told me why he brought me... the bottom line was i said i would do whatever he wanted me to do, but to wait until after Saturday to make the decision as they dynamic will soon change. He agreed. whoa... did i say that? it is a lot less stressful -- but .... who knows..i will take things as they come.

removed

removed from the old and in with the new
removed from what i feel
removed from the space that could be
removed about the remiss
removed as in moved again, and again and again
removed as in rubbed out, it wont happen, it will happen
removed as in let me stand back and see what is the truth
removed as in truth is not always just
removed void the context of what was and what will be
removed replaced reestablished redefine reentry
of what

ole' Fireball

Tonight I look out into the yard
and it is vacant of the old soldier that
once owned it.

Pugsley lies with stretched out legs, his paws curled in, head
sloped to the deck boards. He misses his friend.

We will all miss Fireball, good ole dog, died at the age of 18.
well taken away and put to sleep as he wouldnt eat, or drink, his legs moved
only on quivers.

Dear Fireball, you were a good ole boy. We loved you.
Rest, and play in dog heaven.

sense

change again, and it is fine by me, i will be going to another city for a while which is a challenge but i will get to do what i like to do best, but there is a chance that all could change, i hope not, i am only too happy to oblige my boss and go with him on this detail.... what i have then left of me, is a bit of me, struggling to get time for itself and none ever available. the baby is coming over today so that will be a full day for me. and then work, and the trying to tie off the loose ends i might have. i will take everything with me, i dont trust a soul in there. so be it.

life sucks and then you die

this has never been a favorite tag of mine, some where a while ago, this was brought to keychains and bumper stickers...how depressing and how cynical we all are...but, right at this moment i think things couldn't get much worse for me mentally... f says he wouldnt have made it through..and my job, what can i say, that sucks too... no conforming... yup that is what is going on. push on push back, yep...so it goes. not fun, just flustering fuming and a bit of flaming.... yup
tomorrow i am glad i have the day off ...field of dreams day at Fenway, my poor Soxs... boo hoo... they are tired and need to regroup!! come on guys...get it together!!

stand up /stand down

if i were to tell my mother, i wonder if she would have a heart attack, so i will tell her, but after her party. the kid and his gf, well it has all caught up with him and her, and now, they are in the pen, my husband is without his big tv, i am without any jewelry of any value, his sister is without her diamond from her ex. and we are all a bit broken and fractured from the past .... and the present, i pray he gets some help now. the fbi and cops i guess were ok. hubby spared me from them...but not the kids, who found themselves home and they came into our house, without knocking and well..it has just been perhaps one of the most horrid days of my life. the tears finally came, and like the rain that happened today..they flooded my face, and i realized that i as explained it to his sister that a great part of my choking on my words was the strong sense of relief i felt...but then again i had such a horrid day at work, my boss on his ramage...and me again at the end of the page .... beaten up again... so angry...my job and the po...this just totally sucks again...

My Mother's recipe

I lose things.... i just cant keep myself together sometimes, and i just lose things....
but i am never going to lose this recipe because i put it everywhere...so today, since i am baking it, i am putting it in here.


Blueberry Cake

1 1/2 cups sugar
2 cups of flour
2/3 cups of shortening

blend into small piece
put aside 3/4 cups of mixture for topping later...

add to the original mix

2 tsp baking powder
1 cup milk
1 1/4 cups blueberrries
2 eggs

blend gingerly
mixture will be slightly lumpy

pour into 8x8 inch greased and floured pan

drop blueberries on top if you want a few extra

bake 350 for 40 minutes

pleasure and pain ramblinds

Last Sunday the "girls" in the family that were interested (this does not exclude those that are miles away and couldnt have made it without paying airfare)....... got together at the oldest of the J' sister's house to work on my mother's surprise scrapbook. June 13th, Mom will be 80 years old. I consider that I will be 50 and think, Geesh, I really must keep living or else I will be done and never been cooked. So this week I lived a little in a short span of space and days.

Thursday was the duo birthday, two oldest turning 29 and 26 respectively... but Friday was the youngest first prom of two scheduled... thursday... the birth date, i spent 8 hours at work, 6 hours shopping and 3 doing hair. Went to bed at 1, up at 4:30, dragged myself to my job, left at 11:30, shopped more, drove to the North End with all the necessary trimmings the youngest wanted, returned to the homestead to cook and clean and get ready for a birthday bash, small intimate, and without a doubt one of our best. Giant Lobsters... over 10 lbs ...a piece and what a feast... so was the joy, so was the passion, the pleasure, the release... but throughout the evening out side the door stood the oldest with his gf... in and out, oppression, for us, anger for him.

he was excluded, the child looking in, as in the story of the children from Weathering Heights...or the cat, left outside, while the dog is pampered inside the house, or even still, the poor boy lookin at a vision of how it could be if he were different... it was cruel, some would say how could you? but we did, and we had to, a lesson to teach...trying a new thing? Prayer, if the entire world were to focus on the drug addicts and the drinkers of the world for just one day, would the thoughts pervade .... entwine and save one, one thousand... one thousand men women .... Americans, how many are dead across the world now, internal wars are big and small, yet each a significant statement, one line or a book, they both rage on, i rage on now... could write more, the paradox... the ying and yang, the ....

I have that on the list now to bring to Mom, one giant lobster for her birthday gift. So...in the midst of happiness is the opposite, the midst of despair, my son, lost cometh and goeth as he pleases, fights day and nights, waking to find him sleepin in the recliner chair, his gf stashed beside his bed, "Why wouldnt she sleep on the bed?" I asked. You sneak into the house, and sleep, "You think Im going to scream at you at 4 in the morning? She is not a dog sleeping on the floor!"
I've given you hundreds of dollars this year alone, I cant do it any more. I cant and I wont," I say it again and again.
The youngest boy says, "i can't live with you, with him here, fear."
I say, "dont go, and he is not living here, and why should i explain myself to you, and he isnt living here, and he isnt allowed to be here, he just comes here, we make him leave time and time again, ripping opened my guts on the floor, stepping on me, on them, on and on, over and over.

I am maintaining that all this is not going to kill me, or my spouse. however, it does make it easier to close our bedroom door and lock ourselves in and leave the world behind. It just does workfor a few hours, yet we do not sleep through the night, neither him nor i, we are plagued by reflux and leg cramps, and nightmares-- we keep trying though

.... this weekend, i finally have 2 days off...i will clean my porch, f will open the pool, and we will tender to our homestead as best as we can, weakened from the war ...

the world is at war .... with itself, nature ...killed by man, man killing man, children killing...child killing parents, killing family, it is a silent killer,
this country ...what does it stand for? what is man'kind's commitment to man. Men, Women our sons and daughters, nearly 1000 more dead in a year from the war, how many dead from the killer, heroin, what are the statistics... burn the field, shoot them dead, how many would there be, like vampires i once wrote, 6 years ago, and it continues, in to the night they draw blood, and leave behind someone broken or something broken into, stealing away, to ease their pain, that persists and grows with each waking moment, death just a knock, prison just an opening, and families, passing through invisible doors, never framed paths --- they never realized existed, the products of pain seeping through the flesh visible to doctors who treat them, knowing there is no end, only death, or a new beginning...
it is easier to take the same path, than to proceed on the new one
the old path is well worn, you know every corner, every rock, every stream to freshen up, every rain storm, and every hurricane,
the new path, is one taken slow, watching out for mines, you may lose a leg or an arm. you may lose the life you are trying to save.
is there any hope? the youngest son keeps his eyes opened at all times.
lying awake like waiting for the bomb to hit the house, there is not shelter here.
the war is taking its toll.

pleasure

here is the Bubbins a super lad having fun at Great Grammy's at Christmas time

New York City I am an addicted and not ashamed to say it, tourist.

Where have I been?

It is a couple of months since I've stepped inside here. Too much stress going on. job home. i guess it is life. the surgery has worked out positive. so far so good. i didnt realize that it took me longer to recover than i thought, but that is ok...

more on the positive... my little vacation to NYC what a blast we had... If I can afford it we must do something similar every April vacation! whoopee... anyway i am going to try to post a few pics something else i havent done for a bit.

life takes hold of me, the rain comes down, the red soxs continue to give me joy, and all else is wonder... wonder why, wonder why not -- not much free time, not much energy... but lots of love, lots of joy, and lots of learning everyday. -- cant complain.

it is May 15th, my nephew's birthday, Happy Birthday ....

Soon school will be out, but things for me wont be that much different... my sister is coming up and i told my boss i need all my ns days in july...so i will let her know Wednesdays will be a visiting day for me. Vacation will be the usual week at hubby's birthday space. 55 ...wow

age: something that everyone on the outside sees but your insides dont

Sunday

The cake is coming over today, we are going to see the Last Mimzy. I need a break. I am feeling ok, not the usual post op ... but swollen probably from all the iv fluids they pushed into me. arghh... just wish i could be normal back to the way things were 7years plus ago. .... frustrated with my own body, what could be worse. lots i suppose...

srr

after a horrendous week at work, i am out of there for approx 6 days...which will not be long enough. however... the surgery was a success or so it seems, although I don't remember saying anything to my dr or even seeing him after it was done.... it was done or so it seems as i had the worst pains i can ever remember and i said pain... and more than that i do think i was writhing for a bit and they put morphine in my iv... so that was that...except for the fact that I get nausea from the stuff, so ive been sick to my stomach for the rest of the day, never mind the dizziness because my blood pressure went down to 80 over 40 and they weren't going to let me go back home unless it rose...and it did to 100 over 48 ....and then they let me go home with the stipulation that i stay in bed and only get our to walk here or there so no emboli get me.

great now let us see what is going to happen...

r went to bw so i hope all else goes well... i am scared he is going to give up i am trying to have faith.

scheduled

woke up at 5:30 tried to sleep but fumbled about doing nothing, went back to sleep, now it is 9:20 my body is stiff from too much bed time... yesterday went well considering the morning mess...flooding etc. Monday will be a disaster that is all I can say.
I do not have the bub today. oh well. the meatball was thrown out of the place i drove him to on thursday, i picked him and his companion up, that meatball is his twin, came from the same bowl of grounded up ingredients that i dont know who concocted... there was nothing i could do. they said they are turning themselves into bw on monday. let us see as i dont believe them very stressfilled week and i am glad it is over.

dread

outside, it is light, but heavy,

snow, i hear your sister, rain hiding inside you
you are wonderful
what camouflage!
you look like fluff, but i know you are cement
please dont become slippery shoes

a miz, a mess, i dread the chore of cleaning you off--
snow
will be the wetness of my clothes
snow will guide the ride that will be like driving on
a skating rink.
everyone is talking about Easter, I just want to get through today and
next week
and be here convalescing.

disconnected

it is my first day off not being a Sunday that I have the baby, and my peace was interrupted by the meatball. yes that is what i am going to call him, because it is just like that song, on top of spaghetti...covered with cheese, i lost my poor meatball because somebody sneezed...

the kid just doesnt get it. and i'm just done.

and over that too.

bliss

simplicity, yes i like it, as i like this morning, this daylight savings time' morning, all is at rest here. and i've found bliss
i am lacking something in my day to day, solitude,
the quest for being together and being alone does not balance...

it is nearly 8:15, everyone is still in bed, i have made coffee, and accessed the situation -- mail and laundry are out of control....

I will establish a mail basket, all mail must be placed into it.

I will establish another laundry rule, the same one I established 30 years ago, no laundry downstairs, but it doesnt hold true. What I need is a laundry room up stairs and that is not happening either. So ... rules to make and be broken no doubt by all the inhabitants of the household....and visitors too, but why would they even know the rules.

it feels good to sit and ramble without a watcher, someone who asks what are you doing

what are you writing,

yes i lack privacy because my office still has the Christmas stuff out of the closet and on the floor, and other various things people decided to "store" in my office, because if i am not home they can just store what ever they like there, because there is so much stuff who knows who put what in there...

i hear a thumping... not a loud thump, but one nonetheless...a door closing, must be the bathroom...soon my solitude will be interrupted... and then i will have to explain all these thoughts...or maybe i wont, for my morning is now planned out, and no one even knows that... yet...perhaps they have plans of their own... the bub is coming today..he is such a love! time, it is a burden if you watch it. let it go

pinwheels

the pinwheels made of dough were left out on the window sill
the ice dripped from the gutter and they melted like
icicles in the heat from the sun

the pinwheel left out on the lawn through summer, fall, and winter
froze, then tipped, then disappeared,
into the trash it blew

the pinwheel inside the kaleidoscope was untouchable
but always changing, unlike the cookies, unlike the form,
into the tube it is, and stays

protected

unless someone was to break it, smash it
and then it would no longer be

i am a pinwheel.

the broken one, the smashed one, the melted one, the protected one,
the one thrown into the trash category
because, just because

sadness abounds me, tears don't stop falling
i am the wheel round and round pinned down
stuck and struck
happiness overrode by grief

sometimes i want to believe everything is the way it should be
but then sometimes reality checks me, that hip check or
knock upon my wooden door that says, you are so blind
and now that i have opened my eyes, i just know i believe things are the way they are because
they are, but i cant change them, well some of them
and it hurts.

then i realize that is why things are the way they are because I've put myself into that tube to be that pinwheel, that beautiful ever changing form of jewels or glass or paper that floats here and thither and yonder... so the pain that i am hiding from can't touch me, but it is not truth, because it is touching me and that is why i am there hiding from the reality

where is this taking me,
i don't really know.
i just know i cant fix things and make them right... i am not in control of the tube
it just ran out the door like the meatball