As I sit in my kitchen, taking the first sips of my coffee that was brewed three hours ago, I spy two brooms and one mop, and I remember my second mop is in the bucket in the hallway waiting to be either groomed, or put to another task and I laugh.
I have four brooms and three mops, each has a task, one broom is for the outside steps and deck, sidewalk, and driveway, one broom is for the cellar, one broom is for the porch, and one broom is for the kitchen, hallway and other areas strictly indoors and upstairs. One mop is for the kitchen, one mop is for the deck, and the third mop is for the bathrooms. Each broom and mop is a different size,weight, color, and head. Straw, plastic, woven, textured.red, yellow, blue, black, and oh I forgot to mention that I do have a Swiffer for I have a pet, and also a vacumn cleaner. Clean floors? I'm working on that.
Sunday, January 29, 2006
Wednesday, January 25, 2006
kids grow up
sometimes the things you want come along, and then, poof they are gone just in that moment of the coming and going
why do young people leave home and get their own apartments, houses, etc?
because they want to make their own rules.
It is a man's right to do what he does in his own home, one that he has worked for and paid for his entire life.
Smoking is bad in today's society. The pressure on smokers is enough for them to say, I'll never quit just because you hate it so much.
I am tired of my daughter in law complaining about my husband. He is mine regardless of how unpolished he can be at times. I think I will make my list of complaints about her.
She leaves cups, baby bottles, and dirty baby clothes where ever.
She always is complaining about something.
She slams doors.
She fights with my son everyday about stupid things.
She thinks that just because she lives in this house she should have a say on who does what.
On the positive side, since living here
I can count on my five fingers the number of times she has cleaned anything.
I can count on less than five fingers the number of times she has done laundry.
I can count the numerous times that she sat in the back room smoking cigarette, after cigarette when she first came to live here.
I better stop now before I continue my bad thoughts.
This girl of 25 needs to do some growing up. IF you dont like it go live someplace else.
You'd rather have me and my baby go to a shelter.
GO! I am so tired of hearing doors slam and stomping feet everyday. Even my own children out grew that by the time they were 10 grown up you spoiled brat
why do young people leave home and get their own apartments, houses, etc?
because they want to make their own rules.
It is a man's right to do what he does in his own home, one that he has worked for and paid for his entire life.
Smoking is bad in today's society. The pressure on smokers is enough for them to say, I'll never quit just because you hate it so much.
I am tired of my daughter in law complaining about my husband. He is mine regardless of how unpolished he can be at times. I think I will make my list of complaints about her.
She leaves cups, baby bottles, and dirty baby clothes where ever.
She always is complaining about something.
She slams doors.
She fights with my son everyday about stupid things.
She thinks that just because she lives in this house she should have a say on who does what.
On the positive side, since living here
I can count on my five fingers the number of times she has cleaned anything.
I can count on less than five fingers the number of times she has done laundry.
I can count the numerous times that she sat in the back room smoking cigarette, after cigarette when she first came to live here.
I better stop now before I continue my bad thoughts.
This girl of 25 needs to do some growing up. IF you dont like it go live someplace else.
You'd rather have me and my baby go to a shelter.
GO! I am so tired of hearing doors slam and stomping feet everyday. Even my own children out grew that by the time they were 10 grown up you spoiled brat
Sunday, January 15, 2006
same ole questions
i love the rain, warm rain in winter feels likes the spring
reminds me of flowers and budding trees yet it is not spring but
still winter and today all is frosted
i too am frosted, tired from driving around for 7 hours doing necessary things.... oh really
Hermes the chinchilla to the vet --- dehydration - bring back in 6 days ...it is only an hour drive to the vet .... it is always the same old question, people or proximity
i used to choose proximity, now i am beginning to thing about people, how many people, such as how long will the wait be at the vets, there was no wait, but there was an hour long drive, and an hour spent lost in the backroads of southeast massachusetts where I literally pulled over at one point and cried out to my daughter, "i fear we will never find a highway again" .... I dont think she took me seriously for one moment during this torture except when I criticized her and told her she was useless as the map from mapquest, little did I know that the street map, my son who drives quite a bit uses, was right behind her seat, what an idiot I am sometimes!!! How much does a navigation system cost anyway?
I did manage to escape from the woods to do some food shopping, get 7 new blinds, I am in the process of replacing all the blinds, well not all but ... a few... and clothes shopping for the spoiled younger daughter who needed a new outfit for today and the next day too. Geesh, what ever happened to my promise of "no"
anyway I dont miss my old job, or my old boss at the non profit. adios amigo. and i could complain about her rude ness but i am just going to let it go.
then there is "the program" --- I actually like it! I am in school with an old friend, and some new ones. Of course there is controversy! The first test was not overwhelmingly hard, but yes, it was still stressful. I hate taking tests!!! One woman left the test and then when back in.... I wonder what is going to come of that little walkoff... There are many students up in arms about it. I know the woman, if she is thrown out of the program, she will flip out. I dont know what is going to happen with that....
Well, i am really avoided the ole question of how I am going to just accept that the boys couldnt pull it together in Denver, but I love them anyway! NEW ENGLAND PATRIOTS Keep the Faith -- We love you Next Year will be here soon enough! And I for One will be ready for some Football yeee haahh
but this year is not over yet ---
I wonder if Indy will win? humm Im looking at those Seahawks
reminds me of flowers and budding trees yet it is not spring but
still winter and today all is frosted
i too am frosted, tired from driving around for 7 hours doing necessary things.... oh really
Hermes the chinchilla to the vet --- dehydration - bring back in 6 days ...it is only an hour drive to the vet .... it is always the same old question, people or proximity
i used to choose proximity, now i am beginning to thing about people, how many people, such as how long will the wait be at the vets, there was no wait, but there was an hour long drive, and an hour spent lost in the backroads of southeast massachusetts where I literally pulled over at one point and cried out to my daughter, "i fear we will never find a highway again" .... I dont think she took me seriously for one moment during this torture except when I criticized her and told her she was useless as the map from mapquest, little did I know that the street map, my son who drives quite a bit uses, was right behind her seat, what an idiot I am sometimes!!! How much does a navigation system cost anyway?
I did manage to escape from the woods to do some food shopping, get 7 new blinds, I am in the process of replacing all the blinds, well not all but ... a few... and clothes shopping for the spoiled younger daughter who needed a new outfit for today and the next day too. Geesh, what ever happened to my promise of "no"
anyway I dont miss my old job, or my old boss at the non profit. adios amigo. and i could complain about her rude ness but i am just going to let it go.
then there is "the program" --- I actually like it! I am in school with an old friend, and some new ones. Of course there is controversy! The first test was not overwhelmingly hard, but yes, it was still stressful. I hate taking tests!!! One woman left the test and then when back in.... I wonder what is going to come of that little walkoff... There are many students up in arms about it. I know the woman, if she is thrown out of the program, she will flip out. I dont know what is going to happen with that....
Well, i am really avoided the ole question of how I am going to just accept that the boys couldnt pull it together in Denver, but I love them anyway! NEW ENGLAND PATRIOTS Keep the Faith -- We love you Next Year will be here soon enough! And I for One will be ready for some Football yeee haahh
but this year is not over yet ---
I wonder if Indy will win? humm Im looking at those Seahawks
Friday, January 06, 2006
morning not my own
i used to own my morning time -- send children off to school, then i went to school myself, while husband slept the day away for he worked that horrid 11 -7 shift. he wouldnt sleep if i was here and he didnt sleep when i wasnt here either, but school made my days less stressful in many ways, I did what i had to do in the house, lived a very programmed life, and maintained it all somehow. Monday. I will start 'school' again, but a different kind of school, a training program that will last for 4 months, everyone's needs are just going to have to be met before or after my hours. how will this work? I honestly am just going to put my foot down, two feet down, no no no, no i will not baby sit in the am before work, no i will not drive you here or there, no you cannot have my car, no i will not drop this off, no i will not stop and get this and that or that either. NO. I will take this word to heart. All good parents need to learn to tell their children NO from the start or else they become spoiled brats. Like mine> ? Yeah they are.
Wednesday, January 04, 2006
tears ---- just leave me alone
self pity, self possessed self pity.... i suffer from them both at this moment.
my son is going to get his license and leave ...go to Tennessee because he can skate year round there and there is a job waiting for him, and he just needs to go he says
i said to my husband ...well now is the time for him to go, he has no responsibilities, and he needs to grow up, so maybe he is the type that needs to do so on his own. if we tell him, no stay, he can go anyway, or he may resent us: you made me stay, you wouldnt let me go, so now is the time. I agree... regardless of the less than perfect circumstances.... "at least he isnt saying he is going to join the service." i said.
hubby said, "i'd feel better if he said he was."
too horrified, i have taken my tears into my office. never over my dead body i would say. but i know he needs to choose his own path. i really dont want him to go so far away, but... i will let go if i need to and just pray. i will rejoice in his willingness to be free from parents, family and what ever else holds him here.
my son is going to get his license and leave ...go to Tennessee because he can skate year round there and there is a job waiting for him, and he just needs to go he says
i said to my husband ...well now is the time for him to go, he has no responsibilities, and he needs to grow up, so maybe he is the type that needs to do so on his own. if we tell him, no stay, he can go anyway, or he may resent us: you made me stay, you wouldnt let me go, so now is the time. I agree... regardless of the less than perfect circumstances.... "at least he isnt saying he is going to join the service." i said.
hubby said, "i'd feel better if he said he was."
too horrified, i have taken my tears into my office. never over my dead body i would say. but i know he needs to choose his own path. i really dont want him to go so far away, but... i will let go if i need to and just pray. i will rejoice in his willingness to be free from parents, family and what ever else holds him here.
Friday, December 30, 2005
an angel
I love angels . Here is a gift from my son. even a tortured one. Now to find a way to hang it as I think it weighs about 50 lbs.
Thursday, December 29, 2005
Believe
Believe
Some holidays contain more magic than others. This year I was blessed with a share that will stay with me til the end of my days.
A couple of years ago, my daughter split from her beau leaving her to be the main care taker for their son. (just to give the father credit -- He does take an avid interest in his son, but he is a control freak, too, which can often make child rearing difficult negotiations for the parents and the boy…) that aside, my younger son and I have taken to being Santa Claus, storing the lad’s gifts at our house and bringing them to hers after he has fallen asleep Christmas Eve.
This Christmas Eve went long. My daughter didn’t leave our house until nearly 1 a.m.. My son and I traveled to her house an hour later. But before we went, I pulled out a special Santa gift for my grandson, a replica of the bell from the movie Polar Express that was put out by Hallmark. The bell has the same look and jingle as the bell from the movie. It can also not jingle too if held the correct way. The box it comes in could be the one from the movie, too, a perfect connection for one who believes in Christmas magic. I wrapped the bell in special blue paper and put a big bow on it.
At my daughters, we helped her to set up the gifts. I left the blue box on top of the stack. It was the only wrapped gift in a plethora of others. I took a quick picture, kissed my daughter good-bye, and finally went home.
The morning came quickly; I got up at 8 but was exhausted. I puttered about for a while and tried to go back to sleep but I couldn’t. About 11, I called my daughter to see how Johnny was and say Merry Christmas.
She said, “Johnny, just left. You missed him.” Her tone was sad, as it is so hard for her to say goodbye to her boy for the day. But then she asked, “Mom did you leave that blue wrapped present here?”
I said,”Huh? What blue wrapped present?”
Then she said, “Mom, Johnny got up and looked at his gifts, but then he said,”Look one little wrapped present! What could it be Mama?”
My daughter looked too. “Where did that come from?”
Johnny opened it quickly and said, “Look Momma, a bell from Santa’s sleigh.” My daughter grinned and hugged her son. She said tears came to her eyes. Mom did you? And I Laughed. And she knew. But she said,
“For one minute Mom, really, my heart really fluttered, and I really did believe.”
I just giggled over the phone and said, “Of course Santa left it there.” And I didn’t say another word.
She has never seen the Polar Express, and I hope she gets to watch it soon, for I think she will smile ear to ear for the magic of the bell there, was here.
Some holidays contain more magic than others. This year I was blessed with a share that will stay with me til the end of my days.
A couple of years ago, my daughter split from her beau leaving her to be the main care taker for their son. (just to give the father credit -- He does take an avid interest in his son, but he is a control freak, too, which can often make child rearing difficult negotiations for the parents and the boy…) that aside, my younger son and I have taken to being Santa Claus, storing the lad’s gifts at our house and bringing them to hers after he has fallen asleep Christmas Eve.
This Christmas Eve went long. My daughter didn’t leave our house until nearly 1 a.m.. My son and I traveled to her house an hour later. But before we went, I pulled out a special Santa gift for my grandson, a replica of the bell from the movie Polar Express that was put out by Hallmark. The bell has the same look and jingle as the bell from the movie. It can also not jingle too if held the correct way. The box it comes in could be the one from the movie, too, a perfect connection for one who believes in Christmas magic. I wrapped the bell in special blue paper and put a big bow on it.
At my daughters, we helped her to set up the gifts. I left the blue box on top of the stack. It was the only wrapped gift in a plethora of others. I took a quick picture, kissed my daughter good-bye, and finally went home.
The morning came quickly; I got up at 8 but was exhausted. I puttered about for a while and tried to go back to sleep but I couldn’t. About 11, I called my daughter to see how Johnny was and say Merry Christmas.
She said, “Johnny, just left. You missed him.” Her tone was sad, as it is so hard for her to say goodbye to her boy for the day. But then she asked, “Mom did you leave that blue wrapped present here?”
I said,”Huh? What blue wrapped present?”
Then she said, “Mom, Johnny got up and looked at his gifts, but then he said,”Look one little wrapped present! What could it be Mama?”
My daughter looked too. “Where did that come from?”
Johnny opened it quickly and said, “Look Momma, a bell from Santa’s sleigh.” My daughter grinned and hugged her son. She said tears came to her eyes. Mom did you? And I Laughed. And she knew. But she said,
“For one minute Mom, really, my heart really fluttered, and I really did believe.”
I just giggled over the phone and said, “Of course Santa left it there.” And I didn’t say another word.
She has never seen the Polar Express, and I hope she gets to watch it soon, for I think she will smile ear to ear for the magic of the bell there, was here.
Wednesday, December 21, 2005
Johnny Damon is a traitor
money lovin grubin baseball players that is what they are becoming. what happened to the team? what happened to sticking with one team for a career?
I am seriously thinking of giving up baseball after this!
JOHNNY DAMON I HATE YOU FOR GOING TO THE YANKEES>>YOU HAVE NO LOYALTY
I really want to wish something bad upon you... this sucks!!!
I am seriously thinking of giving up baseball after this!
JOHNNY DAMON I HATE YOU FOR GOING TO THE YANKEES>>YOU HAVE NO LOYALTY
I really want to wish something bad upon you... this sucks!!!
Sunday, December 18, 2005
what is this something new
often I purchase new things for my husband, pants, shirts, wallets, you name it, I buy it. Most often he will just let what ever it is sit there until some time that has some significance to him--- sometimes it is a very long time, like three months for the t-shirt I purchased him at Disneyland---
bottom line, i can not make him exchange his old for what is new...he will choose to wear it when he chooses ---- and what ever has kicked around so long that I have washed and ironed it three times and he still has not bothered with it..., or something --- and maybe nothing out of the ordinary happens...just a whim comes upon him.... he is just not the, "it's new I want to wear it, or use it," type of guy. He likes was is tried, true, and comfortable, each adjective not applied to all....
but yesterday, while I was finally doing some xmas shopping, I spied a pair of wing tips, with soft rubber soles, his favorite! and in his size, not easy to find I must say.
when I came home last night, I had a big grin, "look what I found"...he looked in the box, "wingtips" no trying them on, no taking them out of the box to look at them...no nothing...hummm.... I let his unenthusiastic mood slide .... why why.. i didn't even question.... That is just how he is i reminded myself...oh something for me, thanks.... ... and six months later....hey this is great...lol... it is kind of funny...but...
This morning, I heard him rumbling about the bedroom, getting himself together, and then I kissed him goodbye with my eyes half opened....so exhausted from everything, I lay there listening to hear his car, and I didnt hear it for quite a long while--
so long a time passed that I got out of bed and looked out of the window... and I saw him leaving, 1/2 hour later than usual hummm... I wondered, what took him so long, .... and I paused for a few minutes, tried to go back to sleep, but I couldn't so I began my day.
After doing dishes and bottles and organizing my lists... I went into the living room to see the shoe bag near the sofa was empty. Humm... and the box was empty --- left on the buffet...hummm
Yes, he took the time to take his inserts ..he has special feet... and put them in his new shoes, so that means he tried them on, and they fit..yahooo!!!!
New shoes for a new day, wear them well. For some reason this simple act has me in a much cheerier mood. How silly... what does this mean? hummm I guess he is happy about his shoes...
bottom line, i can not make him exchange his old for what is new...he will choose to wear it when he chooses ---- and what ever has kicked around so long that I have washed and ironed it three times and he still has not bothered with it..., or something --- and maybe nothing out of the ordinary happens...just a whim comes upon him.... he is just not the, "it's new I want to wear it, or use it," type of guy. He likes was is tried, true, and comfortable, each adjective not applied to all....
but yesterday, while I was finally doing some xmas shopping, I spied a pair of wing tips, with soft rubber soles, his favorite! and in his size, not easy to find I must say.
when I came home last night, I had a big grin, "look what I found"...he looked in the box, "wingtips" no trying them on, no taking them out of the box to look at them...no nothing...hummm.... I let his unenthusiastic mood slide .... why why.. i didn't even question.... That is just how he is i reminded myself...oh something for me, thanks.... ... and six months later....hey this is great...lol... it is kind of funny...but...
This morning, I heard him rumbling about the bedroom, getting himself together, and then I kissed him goodbye with my eyes half opened....so exhausted from everything, I lay there listening to hear his car, and I didnt hear it for quite a long while--
so long a time passed that I got out of bed and looked out of the window... and I saw him leaving, 1/2 hour later than usual hummm... I wondered, what took him so long, .... and I paused for a few minutes, tried to go back to sleep, but I couldn't so I began my day.
After doing dishes and bottles and organizing my lists... I went into the living room to see the shoe bag near the sofa was empty. Humm... and the box was empty --- left on the buffet...hummm
Yes, he took the time to take his inserts ..he has special feet... and put them in his new shoes, so that means he tried them on, and they fit..yahooo!!!!
New shoes for a new day, wear them well. For some reason this simple act has me in a much cheerier mood. How silly... what does this mean? hummm I guess he is happy about his shoes...
Sunday, December 11, 2005
morning
the snow came quick
all was covered
the tree limbs and branches and even the
trunks
signs along the road look sprayed with white corn
or cotton
p.j.hernon was out in his truck with his dog
they both wore hats
looking forward driving along
christmas lights
peeking through the snow crested trees
and fences and porches and rooftops
for as far as eyes could see
12/10/05
i pray for my friend Bob Glavin
i pray he gets well
My love hate relationship of this season continues
i have yet to purchase one gift
i have yet to get my tree or my lights up on my house
i am losing it.
i told my boss i have an interview for a job
if i get into the program it wont be until january--- i told her on the 9th of december that means... it would be almost a months notice.....
she started to cry, i felt badly, but i cant
i have been telling her for weeks she needed to find someone
i am tired of her complaint, "i hate working early, i cant get into the office"
there is no certainty here .... i wanted her to understand
but she pressed, call your boss, they cant do that, they must give you a date
but that is not how it is, and she knows that
i did call one of my bosses, he told me the same, what does she think i am going to do, call and get myself throw out before i even get in.... geessh...it is a game..all a fn game...
she is the one who decided to go to europe for 3 weeks....
arghhh....
i will write poetry and next week get ready for xmazz haha.. or Christmas
all was covered
the tree limbs and branches and even the
trunks
signs along the road look sprayed with white corn
or cotton
p.j.hernon was out in his truck with his dog
they both wore hats
looking forward driving along
christmas lights
peeking through the snow crested trees
and fences and porches and rooftops
for as far as eyes could see
12/10/05
i pray for my friend Bob Glavin
i pray he gets well
My love hate relationship of this season continues
i have yet to purchase one gift
i have yet to get my tree or my lights up on my house
i am losing it.
i told my boss i have an interview for a job
if i get into the program it wont be until january--- i told her on the 9th of december that means... it would be almost a months notice.....
she started to cry, i felt badly, but i cant
i have been telling her for weeks she needed to find someone
i am tired of her complaint, "i hate working early, i cant get into the office"
there is no certainty here .... i wanted her to understand
but she pressed, call your boss, they cant do that, they must give you a date
but that is not how it is, and she knows that
i did call one of my bosses, he told me the same, what does she think i am going to do, call and get myself throw out before i even get in.... geessh...it is a game..all a fn game...
she is the one who decided to go to europe for 3 weeks....
arghhh....
i will write poetry and next week get ready for xmazz haha.. or Christmas
Thursday, December 08, 2005
cold heat
wear your gloves
wear your hat
cover your head
dont go out like that
where are your socks?
where are your boots?
do you need long underwear?
a sweater?
hot chocolate?
tea?
none of the above
give lasting heat
yesterday was one of those everlasting days
a day i took a nap in the afternoon
a day i cooked breakfasts (short order) after 4
a day the shopping took place so late
that by the time all was put away
husband and i went to bed
that was the deal...
if you go shopping with me, we can come home and go right to bed...
hahah ...
so we did...
first there was the unpacking by the crew, they picked and decided what they wanted to cook,
then there was the sneaking into bed, but hearing all kinds of noise---
the oil overheated and the smoke alarms and the baby and doors and windows......
the bellow of
"you're not paying the heating bills"
yesterday was 8 years since my father died...
and 33 years since my husband and i first kissed
yesterday we tested those kisses
they didnt seem 33 years old---
some things get better with age...
perhaps kissing does
the reason why our eyes get weaker is so that we cannot see the imperfections that come along with growing old.... some how my husband does not look like he is losing his hair, nor does his beard and mustache appear all white, i just dont see the way it is....
nor does he see how old lady ive become..well when it comes to driving with my seatbelt on, and worrying about wrinkles, and not wanting to wear anything but plain white cotton underwear.... that he never complains are old lady like..... thank you love for creating foolish visions and giving us heat when it is too cold to walk around the house in bare feet
enough rambling...
wear your hat
cover your head
dont go out like that
where are your socks?
where are your boots?
do you need long underwear?
a sweater?
hot chocolate?
tea?
none of the above
give lasting heat
yesterday was one of those everlasting days
a day i took a nap in the afternoon
a day i cooked breakfasts (short order) after 4
a day the shopping took place so late
that by the time all was put away
husband and i went to bed
that was the deal...
if you go shopping with me, we can come home and go right to bed...
hahah ...
so we did...
first there was the unpacking by the crew, they picked and decided what they wanted to cook,
then there was the sneaking into bed, but hearing all kinds of noise---
the oil overheated and the smoke alarms and the baby and doors and windows......
the bellow of
"you're not paying the heating bills"
yesterday was 8 years since my father died...
and 33 years since my husband and i first kissed
yesterday we tested those kisses
they didnt seem 33 years old---
some things get better with age...
perhaps kissing does
the reason why our eyes get weaker is so that we cannot see the imperfections that come along with growing old.... some how my husband does not look like he is losing his hair, nor does his beard and mustache appear all white, i just dont see the way it is....
nor does he see how old lady ive become..well when it comes to driving with my seatbelt on, and worrying about wrinkles, and not wanting to wear anything but plain white cotton underwear.... that he never complains are old lady like..... thank you love for creating foolish visions and giving us heat when it is too cold to walk around the house in bare feet
enough rambling...
Monday, December 05, 2005
sleepy
the morning is quiet, i can hear the ticking of the clock,
the soft touch keys beat as they are tapped, the baby coos, and squeaks in his swing, my eyes droop, mothering for an hour
i remember the endless mornings, one child, then later, another, and more years, another, and more years another... til there was four. today they run out the door, each on their own path, for the most part happy, so that should be it,
but sadness comes over me, covers me like snow turned to ice-- glazed
how fast they have grown.... their lives are going by, just as mine, slipping--
even with the hardships, i would relive it again to get to this day, this moment, this feeling of peacefulness,
i breathe longer and harder
everyday is full, but i take each moment of joy for all it gives,
yet i am sad, i really have no more babies. my youngest will be 16 after the first of the year, the oldest will turn 28
i dont want another child to care for, i just want this to keep going
this way
quiet
Peace
calm
the dog is barking, i laugh, being so annoyed, he wants to go out in the snow
you are too old, your hind legs will freeze,
stay in be warm, he reminds --
the world outside is barking for me
.
the soft touch keys beat as they are tapped, the baby coos, and squeaks in his swing, my eyes droop, mothering for an hour
i remember the endless mornings, one child, then later, another, and more years, another, and more years another... til there was four. today they run out the door, each on their own path, for the most part happy, so that should be it,
but sadness comes over me, covers me like snow turned to ice-- glazed
how fast they have grown.... their lives are going by, just as mine, slipping--
even with the hardships, i would relive it again to get to this day, this moment, this feeling of peacefulness,
i breathe longer and harder
everyday is full, but i take each moment of joy for all it gives,
yet i am sad, i really have no more babies. my youngest will be 16 after the first of the year, the oldest will turn 28
i dont want another child to care for, i just want this to keep going
this way
quiet
Peace
calm
the dog is barking, i laugh, being so annoyed, he wants to go out in the snow
you are too old, your hind legs will freeze,
stay in be warm, he reminds --
the world outside is barking for me
.
Saturday, December 03, 2005
Tests Suck
Tests Suck
Who at 47 years old wants to take a test that could possibly change the direction she has been working toward for over 12 years –
The reason for the test would be to be accepted into a program that will turn her life upside down for 4 months, and then from there, the future could be endless, if she manages to make it through it all….
So she took the test… she stressed during the test, she freaked during the test, not that it was hard, but because it was work. Yes, you must work at math she reminded herself. Yes, you can do math she reminded herself.
The test had a grammar mistake…how dare they
The test had stupid questions….why would they?
She left the test with a feeling of “I know I blew it”
But she didn’t… excellent, excellent, excellent, that is how they grade you,
Excellent, strong, minimal, and non-eligible. So she passed that part. Now she has to wait for an interview. Will she get one? God help her through this crap. Who at 47 years old needs it? All should be settled and straightened out by now! Isn’t that the way it is supposed to be?
There is no supposed to be in life and living. To truly live one must keep learning, that is the teacher in me. Oh it is fun to be a fool sometimes. So many paths... How much time?
Who at 47 years old wants to take a test that could possibly change the direction she has been working toward for over 12 years –
The reason for the test would be to be accepted into a program that will turn her life upside down for 4 months, and then from there, the future could be endless, if she manages to make it through it all….
So she took the test… she stressed during the test, she freaked during the test, not that it was hard, but because it was work. Yes, you must work at math she reminded herself. Yes, you can do math she reminded herself.
The test had a grammar mistake…how dare they
The test had stupid questions….why would they?
She left the test with a feeling of “I know I blew it”
But she didn’t… excellent, excellent, excellent, that is how they grade you,
Excellent, strong, minimal, and non-eligible. So she passed that part. Now she has to wait for an interview. Will she get one? God help her through this crap. Who at 47 years old needs it? All should be settled and straightened out by now! Isn’t that the way it is supposed to be?
There is no supposed to be in life and living. To truly live one must keep learning, that is the teacher in me. Oh it is fun to be a fool sometimes. So many paths... How much time?
Wednesday, November 30, 2005
New York New York
Truly Scrumptious
Johnny, my grandson, 7, curious, observant, smart, dislikes school, but he doesn’t dislike learning. He dislikes the regiment, and finds his imaginative mind much more entertaining than school lessons. He loves music, likes to sing, and likes to watch TV. He hates to color but in his words, “loves to draw.” There is a difference, he will let you know.
This summer, I asked him,”Would you like to go to New York City, would you like to go see Chitty Chitty Bang Bang?
He asked, “What’s that Grammy?”
I explained that “it” is a musical on Broadway and more questions came easily.
What’s Broadway? Where is New York? Why is it far away? What is a musical? What is Chitty Chitty Bang Bang?
“Oh, yes Grammy, I would like to go.” he finally said. So we went.
The night before we watched a movie and cuddled up on the sofa, but sleep came lightly, or no sleep, so it seemed, we were both too excited, and woke up easily at 5:30. Papa dropped us at South Station where a twisting line 100 people strong waited to get on the bus. Would we make it on the first bus out?
The driver looked at our papers, and at Johnny, “Laddie, where is your ID? I suppose you’re not old enough? Do we have to put him with the luggage?” he asked another driver. Johnny tightened his grip around my already held hand and leaned into me. I laughed a bit as we entered the bus.
“He was just teasing me?” Johnny said looking back, I laughed and agreed.
We found the last, free, two- seater, at the very back of the bus near the bathroom. Arggh I thought, I hope it doesn’t smell, and it didn’t seem to.
Johnny settled in near the window and gazed out of it, and then at me, “Is it going to be a long ride Grammy?”
About 4 hours, like when we went by plane to visit Aunt Joni.
Humm, but then we were flying, here we are driving, and it takes the same time. Are we going to go down hills and up hills and around hills?
Yes, I would say so, but not big hills.
I hate hills in buses, he said just as we turned onto the long hill that lead the bus to the Mass Pike. Grammy that was fun. Johnny looked at the buildings as we passed and in the stir, we talked a bit, but then he relaxed and rested against me and fell asleep.
We were in Connecticut when he woke up.
Are we there yet? Not yet? Just how much longer? I have to go potty. Want to try?
Sure, he bravely went to the bathroom door, lock it from the inside, and said, “Don’t touch that thing over head or else you have a problem.” he giggled, and I heard his feet slip on the floor, his voice saying…..oh no oh no, ---- metal seat warned not to touch or sit on,------ and the bus rumbling along, oh no oh no I can’t, I heard him say again as he came out the door holding onto his pants. I can’t Grammy, it’s too bumpity. I’ll wait till we get there…. And he did.
Soon we came to the Bronx and the bridges and Johnny perked up. How soon Grammy? Please say “We’re here!” when we get there. But I was just as dazed as him, and soon we were in the terminal with out my cheer. Grammy you didn’t say “We’re here!” I laughed; well we’re here, hooray! And we both grinned.
We found the rest rooms and had lunch in the bus station; it was much easier to make our plans that way.
Where to first? Let’s find the theatre and walk from there. So we did.
Times Square on this Sunday Morning was the quietest I’ve ever found it to be. There were fewer people, much fewer than I ever remembered, but it was only 10:30 am. Of course.
We found the theatre and then walked up to the middle of the square. Johnny noticed and pointed out the neon signs immediately. Look! Grammy Look! He shouted as he watched them lighten and go dark or change picture from picture. We walked up to the Hershey’s store where he picked out a few things he was interested in. He also helped the man in the store make buckets of Hershey’s treats with a machine. What time are you open till? 10 pm Mam. Johnny and I decided to return after the show. From there we walked back to the Toys R Us. Look, Grammy, look, he shouted as we walked by the Ferris wheel.
Want to go on that?
Nope, Grammy I do not.
I’ll go with you.
Nope, I don’t like heights.
We continued walking ….WOW look Grammy! Johnny shouted, look King Kong made out of Lego’s and the Statue of Liberty made of out Lego’s, too. And on and on Johnny’s eyes took in the magic, and his voice let out his glee. Certainly, he has been to other toy stores, he has been to Disneyland, he has seen all kinds of displays, but today, that day, right then, right there, all was new, and wonderful to him, and he was seeing it all for himself, by himself without me pointing a thing out, he was exploring and enjoying and for me, and actually for quite a few passersby, and a few clerks in the store, Johnny had that certain magic that wonder and innocence creates, the magic that joy and simplicity can spray, and that most grown ups, at least the ones I like, love to hear and see and be touched by.
Johnny played for a bit, then we walked to the theatre for his first Broadway Musical, Chitty Chitty Bang Bang, that was perfect for a child of 7.
Perfect for the settings, bright bold, and amicable to children’s eyes. The windmill looked like a playspace with beds on lofted stilts,
The music was fun and playful, and especially nice with melodies from flutes from time to time.
You could watch the conductor on the TV if you wanted to --- Johnny did a few times. The show was perfect for him because the children in it were about his size,
It was perfect because the Child Catcher was very very scary, and the stage setting so dramatic that Johnny remarked, “That doesn’t look real, it looks like it is on TV.” And Johnny shivered in his seat as the Child Catcher caught the children because he was in a disguise.
The show was perfect for the live puppies that ran across the stage, and the underground tunnel that made Johnny afraid, and the guns that shot confetti that floated down upon us, but most of all, it was perfect for the vision of Chitty, the magical car that could float and fly and Johnny could not figure out how, for there were no strings to make it fly. Johnny clapped, and cheered, and then sighed as we went outside.
This could have been the down of the day, the show was over, it was a little gloomy, but it wasn’t, for when we began to walk up the street, Santa Claus and an Elf were suddenly there. Hello, Santa Claus, Johnny said.
Well Hello Young Man, Santa said and they shook hands. The Elf gave Johnny a candy cane and we kept walking.
Grammy, Santa wasn’t there before, where did he come from?
I don’t know, maybe magic, I said.
Yes, Johnny agreed as he grinned ear to ear.
When we got to Times Square we stopped to take his picture, and passersby stopped too to let the shot be done. Everyone was extremely nice.
We went back to the Toys R Us where the Ferris wheel was still too daunting for him and Johnny picked out Buckaroo, a game small enough that he could carry himself. We went back to the Hershey’s store where he bought a big huge Hershey’s Kiss and some big Hershey’s bars and then we walked and talked. Tickets were available for David Letterman, but he was too young. Cabs were there to jump into, but he wanted to walk, and by the time we got to Central Park the sun had set. It was just too dark to go exploring. Another time, Johnny, I said, and he agreed. We took the A train back to 42nd street, had our dinner at the same place we had our brunch, and then found ourselves in a 200 person line waiting for a bus back to Boston. Johnny was excited to go home, but then again sad to leave, When are we coming back Grammy?
In the spring Johnny, I’ll bring you here for an over night.
Ok, Grammy, that sounds good.
When we came from the bus station at home, Papa was waiting for us.
Johnny ran to his car, Papa, Papa, we’re back!
My husband, said, “You’re smiling, you look so happy, I love that.”
I said, “I had a wonderful day with my grandson.”And from the back seat up piped little Johnny’s voice, “I had a wonderful day, too”
He stayed over that night, and he went to the school the next day. And actually I haven’t seen him since, but I see his handsome face in the picture and in my mind, and I know I’ll be seeing him soon. I wonder if or what tune he has playing in his head? I’ll have to ask him, because I can’t get Truly Scrumptious out of mine! And yes, it actually was a Truly Scrumptious time.
Monday, November 21, 2005
rush
i heard him in the shower and moaned
it was going to be one of those mornings when my space would not be my space one of those mornings that i could easily stay in bed curled up
in my blankets, my feather pillow
beneath my head dreaming instead of planning
scheming oh please give me a way out---
before 5:00 am he knocked on the door
did you get me that phone?
no
then more
do me a big big favor?
what is it?
sew a patch on my jeans?
no i dont really want to, but i suppose i'll have to
fine I'll do it myself
i would let you but you need to use the sewing machine, set it up
so he did
and i did
and well he was happy, and i was my old self, proud i could accomplish something that many people couldn't or wouldn't want to do
i like to sew, it has a meditative effect
much like ironing, that process too has a reflective state while in the doing
years ago women, who did not come with money, worked in the home, they sewed, they ironed, they took an entire day to do laundry, they even shoveled their own coal, grew potatoes in their cellars, and grapes vines in their yards, they cooked, and scrubbed, and still made love....
my my mind does wander...
how little space is does one own?
that the answer is none
even when alone you are sharing space
I loved the book the Subtle Knife, to have a knife that cuts a hole into another world and then back into your own, yes exciting, treacherous, dangerous, but oh what a form of escapism
a transporter would be good too.
right now i have to transport myself to work ---
it was going to be one of those mornings when my space would not be my space one of those mornings that i could easily stay in bed curled up
in my blankets, my feather pillow
beneath my head dreaming instead of planning
scheming oh please give me a way out---
before 5:00 am he knocked on the door
did you get me that phone?
no
then more
do me a big big favor?
what is it?
sew a patch on my jeans?
no i dont really want to, but i suppose i'll have to
fine I'll do it myself
i would let you but you need to use the sewing machine, set it up
so he did
and i did
and well he was happy, and i was my old self, proud i could accomplish something that many people couldn't or wouldn't want to do
i like to sew, it has a meditative effect
much like ironing, that process too has a reflective state while in the doing
years ago women, who did not come with money, worked in the home, they sewed, they ironed, they took an entire day to do laundry, they even shoveled their own coal, grew potatoes in their cellars, and grapes vines in their yards, they cooked, and scrubbed, and still made love....
my my mind does wander...
how little space is does one own?
that the answer is none
even when alone you are sharing space
I loved the book the Subtle Knife, to have a knife that cuts a hole into another world and then back into your own, yes exciting, treacherous, dangerous, but oh what a form of escapism
a transporter would be good too.
right now i have to transport myself to work ---
Saturday, November 19, 2005
cool air
Here is a funny picture of the new baby in his baby Einstein... he is growing way too fast!
suddenly it really is November, the air is crisp, the wind frisky at times, and Thanksgiving is next week.
This weekend I have to do all the shopping, then start the baking. We are staying home this year. I need the time to be home as I am so rarely here. I miss my house, its warmth, just having the time to snuggle up and watch a movie on TV without falling asleep would be a gift. Hub Bub is building some kind of external harddrives for his work, computers are expensive erector sets to him, so go for it, but of course some day I might feel like I am living in a museum....of the old and new. We do have two huge closets full of computer parts.
The crew went to see Harry Potter 4. It was a wonderful night. The movie made me cry, and with that, I have to say, it is the best Harry Potter yet.
There is something special in a movie that can make me cry. And even more something in a movie that can make a man cry. Would my husband have cried at this? I don't rightly know, but... oh I cant tell tales. Off to work I go......
Friday, November 11, 2005
Construction
Construction
Since April we have lived in a construction zone:
The T is doing a major overhaul on the 100 year old red line section where we live.
The city is working on the water/sewer separation project mandated by the Federal Government.
Discovery ---- …. we live in a bed from an old river, when the city put in piping …sewer pipes, any kind of piping…under our little section of H street … the main junctions-- were build here… these bases give access to the electricity, cable, gas, and who only knows what other utilities---they lie beneath the concrete and black top of our neighborhood -- a city unto their own… Just how much of the neighborhood I do not know, but if this is any indication of what lies beneath our houses…. Hummm ---- they keep records of this… a job someone could go into as far as the dating is concerned because our project is always being put on “hold’ waiting for one utility or another to finish its “section” of the job.
It has been mornings, afternoons, and evenings of
Useless policemen on details….cops in orange and white belts….orange vested sewer workers, baseball caps, swearing and more swearing…, hardhats and all and all a lot of nastiness.
My grandson has received a fine construction vehicle education:
Shovel trucks
Dump trucks
Fork lift trucks
Trucks that men jump out of with jack hammers in their hands
Trucks that men jump out of and unload other machines from
Trucks with huge metal plates--- the metal plates are dropped on the big fat holes they make everyday
little and sizeable Trucks people wearing orange vests drive….carrying clips boards and papers and what ever else…
He also is witness to the pipes they took out and replaced…
8 foot round pipes
6 foot round pipes that look like huge tunnels we used to play in at the playground… but I can’t remember what they would called at this moment… but I am trying
2 foot round pipes
4 inch round pipes
And holes------- oh all kinds of holes…
Holes the size of my kitchen from sidewalk to sidewalk and some
Making the street impassable…and sink holes here and there… Where did that one come from?
One day a
Little street cutter drove out of a truck, it was a small three wheeled vehicle with a huge circular saw that sliced up the black top, and as it did the slicing, it also sprayed water. This water and digging at the same time splashed up mud, a mud so thick you would be a sculpture if you passed by. This mud marked all the vehicles as it sliced up the street. Everyone’s car looked as if it had been driving through a treacherous rain storm in a South American country------ movie cliché I know…
The workers didn’t take the time to warn anyone…
So today after a week of quiet
The Nstar trucks
Keyspan trucks
And some construction company trucks are out on the street again. It makes me wonder what folly has taken place, but I know it isn’t a folly, it is that the planning for this project has been poor, filled with set backs.
Life dreams in time and space, construction projects remind us to be patient. = soon it will be gone away, until the next bright idea… But this project will be back after the snow and probably in-between snowstorms too, because the black top is not going to make it. It is too loose.
Which prepares me to say I am still looking for the greatest bath tub… and ive yet to find one..? A deep one I can soak in … a hide away for some private time.
My own construction project… Humm, perhaps I’ll wait til spring, it will be warmer, and and and…. Hummmm…. There is always more to do.
Since April we have lived in a construction zone:
The T is doing a major overhaul on the 100 year old red line section where we live.
The city is working on the water/sewer separation project mandated by the Federal Government.
Discovery ---- …. we live in a bed from an old river, when the city put in piping …sewer pipes, any kind of piping…under our little section of H street … the main junctions-- were build here… these bases give access to the electricity, cable, gas, and who only knows what other utilities---they lie beneath the concrete and black top of our neighborhood -- a city unto their own… Just how much of the neighborhood I do not know, but if this is any indication of what lies beneath our houses…. Hummm ---- they keep records of this… a job someone could go into as far as the dating is concerned because our project is always being put on “hold’ waiting for one utility or another to finish its “section” of the job.
It has been mornings, afternoons, and evenings of
Useless policemen on details….cops in orange and white belts….orange vested sewer workers, baseball caps, swearing and more swearing…, hardhats and all and all a lot of nastiness.
My grandson has received a fine construction vehicle education:
Shovel trucks
Dump trucks
Fork lift trucks
Trucks that men jump out of with jack hammers in their hands
Trucks that men jump out of and unload other machines from
Trucks with huge metal plates--- the metal plates are dropped on the big fat holes they make everyday
little and sizeable Trucks people wearing orange vests drive….carrying clips boards and papers and what ever else…
He also is witness to the pipes they took out and replaced…
8 foot round pipes
6 foot round pipes that look like huge tunnels we used to play in at the playground… but I can’t remember what they would called at this moment… but I am trying
2 foot round pipes
4 inch round pipes
And holes------- oh all kinds of holes…
Holes the size of my kitchen from sidewalk to sidewalk and some
Making the street impassable…and sink holes here and there… Where did that one come from?
One day a
Little street cutter drove out of a truck, it was a small three wheeled vehicle with a huge circular saw that sliced up the black top, and as it did the slicing, it also sprayed water. This water and digging at the same time splashed up mud, a mud so thick you would be a sculpture if you passed by. This mud marked all the vehicles as it sliced up the street. Everyone’s car looked as if it had been driving through a treacherous rain storm in a South American country------ movie cliché I know…
The workers didn’t take the time to warn anyone…
So today after a week of quiet
The Nstar trucks
Keyspan trucks
And some construction company trucks are out on the street again. It makes me wonder what folly has taken place, but I know it isn’t a folly, it is that the planning for this project has been poor, filled with set backs.
Life dreams in time and space, construction projects remind us to be patient. = soon it will be gone away, until the next bright idea… But this project will be back after the snow and probably in-between snowstorms too, because the black top is not going to make it. It is too loose.
Which prepares me to say I am still looking for the greatest bath tub… and ive yet to find one..? A deep one I can soak in … a hide away for some private time.
My own construction project… Humm, perhaps I’ll wait til spring, it will be warmer, and and and…. Hummmm…. There is always more to do.
Sunday, November 06, 2005
wanted
girls day out. di and i do this occasionally, take a day to ourselves. and we-- usually --- in some way have our picture taken, today it was after 5 hours at the mall, she maintained her sense of humor, me, all i could think about was the work i had to get done at home... i cant believe i had four inches cut off my hair, and it looks green arggghhh.....what a bore!
Saturday, November 05, 2005
Life, Living, and Running Away
Running Away sometimes is just what I have to do to keep living.... or else all there would be is work...
We ran away to Salem the day before Halloween-- My sister in law, my godson, my two daughters, and my grandson all took the train. It was much easier than driving, then we walked.... all about the town which isnt too large, and has many sights to see even when it isn't close to Hallow's Eve....
There was a bike run which brought in over 7500 motorcycles of various styles, Johnny and I waited and watch for them all to come by. He was so excited, look Grammy over and over again. He was a tired lad that day, so watching the run from stacks of hay, curled up to his Grammy was just what he needed to enjoy the rest of the evening....
In Salem there were haunted houses, and ghost stories, and witches, and warlocks, and scary creatures, like Chuckie, and Jason, but I didnt see a Freddie this year... Oh how I hate Chuckie! and so does my little love Johnny, he turned into me as a large 6 foot Chuckie passed us on the street... There were wizards, and lots of Harry Potter stuff, but I just wore my black clothing and long black coat and an angel's halo. My daughter Di dressed up too, as a Cat with wings, she looked very cute.... Scary that she is only fifteen.. But the rest of the troop dressed down in their everyday clothes, but it didnt make a difference because in Salem there is room for both the costumed and the viewers...
There were one act plays about ghosts, and goblins, and murderers... We went to see a certain one act play .... and in the dark theatre Johnny sat up quickly, and peeped out, "Excuse me, Excuse me Sir" as he was frightened, but we shsshed him quiet and he sat down for the rest of the show. When we were leaving a man came up to me and said, "Gee, he was the best. I've never laughed so hard in my life."
I met a writer and illustrator of a book who self published, and of course my kids were yearning to hear me say I was going to do the same, but I didnt. I just enjoyed meeting Maryanne and her husband and chatting with her for awhile.
My daughters were just wonderful, exploring the inns and outers of the town, not an argument, just joy, and of course a few bikers who are the biggest flirts in the world, added levity to my all too consumming working world. I have so much more to say but of course, I have to go off to work. maybe I'll have some time tomorrow.
We ran away to Salem the day before Halloween-- My sister in law, my godson, my two daughters, and my grandson all took the train. It was much easier than driving, then we walked.... all about the town which isnt too large, and has many sights to see even when it isn't close to Hallow's Eve....
There was a bike run which brought in over 7500 motorcycles of various styles, Johnny and I waited and watch for them all to come by. He was so excited, look Grammy over and over again. He was a tired lad that day, so watching the run from stacks of hay, curled up to his Grammy was just what he needed to enjoy the rest of the evening....
In Salem there were haunted houses, and ghost stories, and witches, and warlocks, and scary creatures, like Chuckie, and Jason, but I didnt see a Freddie this year... Oh how I hate Chuckie! and so does my little love Johnny, he turned into me as a large 6 foot Chuckie passed us on the street... There were wizards, and lots of Harry Potter stuff, but I just wore my black clothing and long black coat and an angel's halo. My daughter Di dressed up too, as a Cat with wings, she looked very cute.... Scary that she is only fifteen.. But the rest of the troop dressed down in their everyday clothes, but it didnt make a difference because in Salem there is room for both the costumed and the viewers...
There were one act plays about ghosts, and goblins, and murderers... We went to see a certain one act play .... and in the dark theatre Johnny sat up quickly, and peeped out, "Excuse me, Excuse me Sir" as he was frightened, but we shsshed him quiet and he sat down for the rest of the show. When we were leaving a man came up to me and said, "Gee, he was the best. I've never laughed so hard in my life."
I met a writer and illustrator of a book who self published, and of course my kids were yearning to hear me say I was going to do the same, but I didnt. I just enjoyed meeting Maryanne and her husband and chatting with her for awhile.
My daughters were just wonderful, exploring the inns and outers of the town, not an argument, just joy, and of course a few bikers who are the biggest flirts in the world, added levity to my all too consumming working world. I have so much more to say but of course, I have to go off to work. maybe I'll have some time tomorrow.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)