Little Daffy Duck going to be a test specimen. Boo hoo

Link and Ricky and Heather

Can't sleep

Woke at 3:30 again. Too much stuff
Maybe it is the rain I hear crackling tapping or the wind I hear billowing blowing. Maybe it isn't heart yearning to make love perfect with all it's imperfections. Maybe it is me. Maybe it is you. Maybe

What maybe will be maybe. I can't change a thing. It doesn't matter how unhappy you are or I am or the family. It is all in his court and he uses every excuse do. Let go let God I say to you. You have those two little loves. Their lives so precious. I wish I could change things but I can't. For you for him. It just sucks for us too

Sad still

I can't take it when things are crazy. I can't stand people who let other people down. Selfish. God help me

No sense

Nonsense looking for something that will never be there

No sense

Nonsense looking for something that will never be there

Sad today

Realize how short life is. Yet again
My mom is the matriarch of the family. Her older sister is alive but not there mentally. So many gone since my Dad. Change is certain but there is nothing like knowing you are getting older too
No energy. Waiting for some sun

Nerves

I have a bad case of nerves today. Hopefully 7 days will go by fast.

waiting to hear is extremely taxing on the brain, you try not to think about it but it is there... i am dont with this crap i say to myself, yet i find myself wandering back there, into my medical record online,  looking to see if the results came in...i know i am ok but geesh it would be reassuring for the drs office to tell me...i have to wait they said 7 days.
thurs
fri
sat
sun
mon
tues
wed
thurs  this is the day... i call

it does not reassure me either that i log into here and see that i have a new set up boo hoo
i much figure it all out but no time today....
it is raining and my left ear is deaf  very bad oh well
time to get up and go
boo hoo...stopping the celebrex has enabled me to lose a few pounds thank God

Ugh

26 polyps. My God how did it happen

Freezing

Here at newton Wellesley and freezing. Long night with prep. Mouth taste like sewer. Brushed my teeth 3 times and I still feel yucky. My eyes are funny taking a long time to see things. My belly not so rumbly but I will be more relaxed when this is over. It may be routinte but I am being a big baby. Ugh

The Bridge

how foolish

i still have that utopianism in me that people do the right things but yesterday i was again faced with the fact that my people, my employees are like high school students or the lessor and just dont get it.
especially someone who is nice to my face and writes lies on paper, it is really disgusting. play play they will..and so will i
done with them all
it has got to stop

another day in ####

that is what i am looking at
yek.... God help me is all i can say

Lynk and family

Birds

Like babies vision unclear looking at the list craving ot

It makes me sick

Work

It sucks working with lying cheating dogs

Easter

I love Easter, it is a bright and fresh reminder that we are coming out of the winter and into the spring. Weather wise we had a great winter only 8 inches of snow which is rare by far
have so many thoughts in my head and for a bit i was just so out of it. managing now to make a little space for myself. oh how i love it.
Hope everyone has a happy day!

Lil Ricky sick and Lynk

Babies

very very difficult March in to April

March came in like a lion...for me that is for sure. I don't even know how I made it through it, it was like I was going to have a complete meltdown somewhere in the middle of it all. I had a little bruch for Heather and 4 days later she had Little Lynkoln who is really sooo cute.I just want to cuddle him up. I worry but I am not supposed to and that is just how it is.

Work is still bad and I have no idea what is going to come of it all but I have to keep on disciplining and try to get them to come on board ...Some of them will I think but not all of them.

It is APril and I;ve had more enery, I cooked baked stuffed chicken, made homemade chicken noodle soup, and a lasagna this week.... so that is good...a sign i am getting a little better...
depression comes in to my life because life is not always easy and sometimes i just need a break.
worrying about everyone doesn't help.
took a picture of me with my chickie hair and mom...will post later
just feeling the release of the gloom finally and the is the best thing for me...besides driving Dianna each am is exhausting...she doesnt even realize it. i just have to make sure i get up really early for a minute to myself..
today finish the easter shopping..can't believe it..Easter wow

very very difficult March in to April

March came in like a lion...for me that is for sure. I don't even know how I made it through it, it was like I was going to have a complete meltdown somewhere in the middle of it all. I had a little bruch for Heather and 4 days later she had Little Lynkoln who is really sooo cute.I just want to cuddle him up. I worry but I am not supposed to and that is just how it is.

Work is still bad and I have no idea what is going to come of it all but I have to keep on disciplining and try to get them to come on board ...Some of them will I think but not all of them.

It is APril and I;ve had more enery, I cooked baked stuffed chicken, made homemade chicken noodle soup, and a lasagna this week.... so that is good...a sign i am getting a little better...
depression comes in to my life because life is not always easy and sometimes i just need a break.
worrying about everyone doesn't help.
took a picture of me with my chickie hair and mom...will post later
just feeling the release of the gloom finally and the is the best thing for me...besides driving Dianna each am is exhausting...she doesnt even realize it. i just have to make sure i get up really early for a minute to myself..
today finish the easter shopping..can't believe it..Easter wow

My Ali baba

Moment that made me smile

Changing mom's bed and finding her socks between the sheets under the covers.

More if the same shit

Nothing like working with someone who will f u if he can. God help me

I wish

I wish I could change so many things. Things about people truths. You need to do your job swifter. Fact
There are things I would change about my boss. She'd I'd oppressive and I Chang breathe. So much stress my blood pressure must be outrage range
My coworkers. They are ass holes too
I just can't take the stress

I hate my job

I hate my job

Ali

Yes

Sitting in my car. Snow coming down. Radio loud listening to Pink Floyd. A liittle slice of heaven on earth YES

monday, modnay

today is modnay, inother words not a regular monday but a day of modular units that will guide me and keep me hole.
no i have no intentions of doing anything radically different but i am going to jump on the tread mill again to see if that helps this depression. winter is not a good thing even when it is a warm winter, heat is better for my heart and bones.
love always

More

In so much need of a vacation worked 12 hours then got home dinner. Phone. Kids. Then let's go up stairs what are you doing looking at fb. Blogging?
Yes
Me: I just want five minutes to myself

Didn't you get that at work

I could just scream
No not even argghghh

Alastair and Ricky

Feb18

Been away in some other world called real life taking me every where on the grid of emotions and yet yes, I am back here again writing the nothing to no one inparticular. just tired and trying to do the right thing, but i so want to be selfish so want to tell everyone except my Mom ---- Im too busy I only have time for her and then myself. This week coming looks like a great week to return to the gyn so I shall embark upon that journey somehow and then from there we shall see what happens. too much crap, too much stress, too many righteous people.
blah

Not a good month

So far this month has been tough in everyone I love. This has to stop. Come on give us some happy news

Argghh

I hate my job!!!!

no time but im making it

should be out the door, just wanted to stop by and say hello... it is freezing in eastern Europe the people are suffering and i lament the superbowl... how did i not read that... Pray for warmth for them.
also it is February, i think I shall make some valentines this year.
otherwise all is fine in the house...just wish my son would have gotten his sh)t together, now i worry but i can't control things, i just have to get by...i wonder if Steph and Shawm are planning on getting married..why dinner at the outback..Friday...hummmm

Arghh

Now the Pats have lost. And it sucks. I really believe there was too much hype. I couldn't even eat. I really believe in too much hype! Football season is over on with life

Super Bowl Sunday

Ah finally the day has come. Go Patriots Go! This is your year. Win it for Myra!


With so much going on it will be wonderful for the Pats to avenge the nasty loss to the Giants! Go team!

Made plans to spend the new year in NYC. One of my wishes
We will stay down near the waterfront and it should be awesome! It's only eleven months away. Hopefully we will get to Disney too


Ali is really growing up. Dianna got married and I've been fighting sinus for a month. Time to get on the tide. Come into the shore and see just what is going on

More Ali

Ali

happy February

Day 1
exhausted my ususal wine... shall i drink from you this morning or just be on my way...
yesterday a day of exhaustion, it is too tirering to work go to the cape and then have to work the next day. I need my day off that is the situation. so.....
Last Month...there were 6 family birthdays, those include nephews, children and nephews wives...and one big exciting wedding...
well...
not a big wedding but exciting...
and i am happy for my daughter who chose to make it legal
too many people don't
and for children, I believe in marriage I just do.
off to work so i wont be late
a wake today ....
God Bless Jimmy G, he lost his Dad now he had lost his Mom all too quick and just wrong...
that is how it is.

Friday Jan 27

How is it that time just goes by so fast all of a sudden one month is gone and on is upon
how is it that 25 years have gone by since I had my little Mikey... so cute and now today 25
how is it that i say wow...wow...wow alot lately and laugh at myself for my foolishness, and think that in 8 years i hope i can retire and then maybe something else...
i just hope i make it there...so many people don't make it to 62... that isnt that old..
but like Fred worrying because he is going to be 60 this year
Would you like a superparty...
a 60's party, no he says...
i have think of something else...
a pack your bags we are out of here sonny for him.
time to do the taxes and the fasa....
time to get on with things.
the two boys are coming to sleep over tomorrow
and tonight is Mikey's birthday party.
i dont know what is happening with Johnny...
that i need to explore ...
plain and mundane that is today
and ill take it..
still nursing sore throat and laryngitis...however you spell it

Jan26

Yesterday turned out to be a good day
and a day with bedlam in it....
sometimes fun, sometimes crazy but in all
Mom had some excitment which was good for her...
now she is back in quiet
I always bring a little zanyness to the situation
not that i try to but it happens
the comcast guy came and fixed the phone and hence the alarm
the alarm went off while i was talking to the adt personal...
the code did not work immediately, as if there was a delay
then it shut off, i called back the alarm company, no big deal it seemed
then my sister called, hummmm the alarm...
then the police showed up
then the neighbors down the street
and next door were there and out
Mikey was out side smoking.
the cop asked if everything was all right
yes, would you like to come in
no what is your name
it was 3 minutes of insanity
that exhausted Mom, but we laughed about it later
but Mikey and I brought her a happy meal, and it was cute
and she didn't even eat the entire thing...
as it had a sliced apple pack...
but she said it was good and she was happy!
and that is what a Happy Meal is all about.
We went food shopping and to the po and cvs
She wobbled a little bit and that made me nervous.
She needs to get out more I said to Fred
If he gets his car fixed maybe then he can take her out
1 day... I can't wait til it gets a little warmer
even though it has been mild
I hope my sister can come after school is out.
Mom could really use the company.
my psorisis on my elbow is ugly
why do i have to have this horrid disease
ugh

enough whinny...off to work bleck too too
if i had a million i would just quit my job...
or a least only work a 3 day week..
that would be heaven!

Alastair growing up

eyes watering

i cry alot lately when no one is around. the pain is unbearable. all the good things keep me sane and on top, it is when i am alone the fog comes down on me
i feel the grief
i feel the fear
i feel the unrest
i feel the sorrow
i feel the desire
i feel the craving
i feel the wishes
i feel the little ounce of humble ness in you crying to get out
i wish it was that which filled your heart soul and mind
your body too....

i like disney world because it takes all my horrow and makes it seem unreal
thank God for a place like that
it let's me be a kid again some place i havent been since i was around 10

quiet

the humming is loud but it is the machine
the machine calling you back to it
it lulls me to sleep, eyes seek out my pillow
rest, warm covers, hand holding, hugs and
cuddles
how i wish i could just stay in bed all day!

Wasted

Ha. Wasted the night sick in bed. Job stressing me out. Need vacation again!

Emotional

Ian as emotional as a geyser spurting spouting shooting the pain makes me writh within wounded twisted tortured tormented that must be how it is

I could not imagine a deeper hell. A visit to Hades everyday a journey of want and desire never able to have enough not high enough to take away the non reality that it creates until it is such a heavy burden.

Well it is done

They took him down to Nashua Street
Long time since I been there. I'm not going to visit him. But I am glad he is somewhat safe and not dead. He is like a dead person
And cops suck judgmental pricks. Their righteousness will come back to destroy them

Snow

pure white i can smell it
fresher than soap but it will change as we touch it
turning white to brown and yellow not gold not silver snow
it will melt and fade and shrink and we will whine
and shovel and dressup for it
snow you are in the big time
how you make us play for you

God

Help my son please

Maintaining hope

It is hope against fear
It is fear against anger
It is love against hatred
It is support against nothingness
It is desires but with the knowledge that the want may not be there no matter
What I wish for or hope for or want to believe
Heroin is the most evil drug
It is the devil
It is death knocking upon the door and seeping under it
Invisible

Fumes that wrap themselves around you Hug you and take you under

Di at 22

The most adorable snowman

Made with only 1.5 inches of snow. Just goes to show children can made things happen!

Happy Birthday D

Today my baby is 22, very difficult to believe, how did this happen? Why do I not feel any different than I did 22 years ago or for that fact since I was about 30 or 18 or 16, my heart remains the same, of course I've done some growing and acquire some wisdom, but my likes loves desire and my quests are the same, even if the energy to work on them is not as strong, if I would only devote a small, measley amount to work I would of plenty of energy left over for other things, but It just isn't working.
So happpy 22 DD...my very hard working daughter. tonight cake with chocolate covered strawberries and a song.

otherwise things are well... off to work and then some

Would like a new job

Writing. Any one want to hire me

thursday

will be a long day i am really not looking forward to...riding with a skunk..oh well... got some tubs to organize and let me have some room in my office. so much going on, yesterday a bad day for nerves, let's hope today is better
i like people to be here on earth so i can see them, some part of me can't let go of people....persons that i've trully enjoyed who have died, this year was extreme for remembrance.
i dont want to let go ever

Knuckleball. Curveball fastball

You name it I am getting pitched to and stoking out over and over again. I want to run away can't I just escape

Wednesday

Dreaming of going to NYC to see the memorial... I hear it is still running in winter... so tired... lots of stress... but our sink is fixed, received to phone called from R same number so hopefully he is in the same place so sick can't even explaing it. two minutes is all i have here, then off again, waking the d and on the road busy busy busy, pt at 1 when i am supposed to be doing something else, it is all crazy but i will get there.
hoping for a 4 day weekend, it all depends upon what A decides. It wouldn't hurt us if he leaves except for time off, but he is a whippersnapper, a trouble maker and sometimes we just don't need that especially since we found out we are not going to get a figgen raise for 3 years, wonderbar.
off i go
to the rat race focus...with standing

Monday

will spend little time here...off to the grind, need to find out if they want me to work tomorrow, would rather not work but we shall see --- it is too much with taking care of my mom.
Had a good weekend except for the worry of R and then the pressure canteen we drank from, reading so that is good but would love more energy than I have and I don't know if I am ever going to get it back again.... but i will try.
off to work off to work off to work... work off, off work.
better

Ugh

Not the boots. The son. Afflicted and he comes down again swooping upon us. We hold our arms up trying to protect ourselves but it is too late. The vampire is striking again. And again relentless in his attack pressure plead persistent until we capitulate. Coming undone we retreat even after a question. Weakened we are the victims again

At Foxwoods.

The line is ridiculous. But we will make it. I am sitting for a minute. Very tired. Oh well

Does money
Does love
Does meaning
Take place in your hell
So sad. No hearing just trying to fathom why you wouldnt get into my car yesterday. Broken heart keeps on
Can't tell a soul
If there is a color I'd like to see it
I need help but there is nothing to hold onto

Saturday and I am here hummmm

It is a Saturday morning and it feels great to not have to work, to know I have two days off in a row makes a difference. Why? Because I get to enjoy life for a day and then the next day too. Work is just way too stressfull and there is nothing I can do about it, the stressors are internal and external being pulled and pushed in so many directions I feel as if I could split, it is not as simple as everyone thinks it is, like working in retail, there is more to it than just working a register or stocking groceries. arghhh...
too tired this week and i dont know why just wiped out.
today going to visit the Diana exhibit at Foxwoods soooo excited. And i just can't wait. I remember watching the Wedding on tv, we lived down the port and I was as innocent as she. wow wow wow

Happiest. Moment today

Seein Alastair pick up a nummy with his tiny hand and put it in his mouth!

Messages

I have a voice message from little Ricky every time I listen to it it brings tears to my eyes